Wayne



(Ep 1 - "Pilot")

(Kevin drops a football pass. The ball heads toward Winnie, who picks it up. Kevin and Winnie approach each other.)
It was a pretty hard pass.
Well, uh...yeah, I think it had sort of a reverse-spin on it...
Come on Kevin, stop gabbing with your girlfriend.
(Kevin takes the ball, and heads back to the huddle.)
She's not my girlfriend!
This was true, Winnie Cooper was not my girlfriend. When we were very little we used to go down to Harper's Woods and catch fireflies but we really hadn't hung out at all together since we were about nine.
Uh-oh, think girlfriend's mad at you. Maybe you'd better go give her a big French kiss.
Shut up, Wayne!
Hey girls, come on over here. Kevin's gonna show you what a French kiss is!
Buttface.
What did you say?
Nothing.
(Wayne pushes Kevin over and pounds Kevin's shoulder.)
Come on Wayne, let him up!
I'm sorry Paul, this is a family matter.
That was my best friend, Paul Pfeiffer. Paul was allergic to everything. Wayne used to say he was even allergic to his own snot. Wayne was really a funny guy.
Hey Wayne! Knock it off before I do the same thing to you!





*
(Cafeteria.)
Hi! Do you guys mind if I sit with you?
Sure, Winnie.
We were on our way. Our group was forming. And Winnie - I mean, Gwendolyn - was not chopped liver. Who knows, maybe we even had an outside chance to become the cool seventh grade group, if we could just remain inconspicuous until we picked up a few more members.
(Wayne approaches.)
Hey Steve, it looks like my baby brother and his girlfriend have found each other.
She's not my girlfriend.
(Wayne looks at Kevin but talks to Winnie.)
He thinks you are so...cute!
I don't think she's cute!
He wants to give you a big...wet...kiss.
(Wayne makes sucking noises, and turns to Winnie.)
He told me.
You liar, I never said that! I don't want to kiss her, I don't even like her!
(Kevin gets flustered and exits.)

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 2 - "Swingers")

(Kevin and Paul are in Kevin's bedroom as Wayne enters.)
Ha, working on your sex education I see. Not sure you boys are old enough for this.
(Wayne snatches the book from Kevin.)
Give it back, Wayne.
Let's see, oh pretty hot stuff. Ya know I bet the guys who wrote this stuff have never even been to second base.
Well, what's that supposed to mean?
You don't know what second base is?
Course we know what second base is, sort of.
And then with an air of confident authority that only an idiot, or an older brother can have, Wayne proceeded to elaborate a baseball metaphor that changed the way we looked at women - and baseball - for ever.
(Wayne swings at imaginary baseball. The boys follow the imaginary homerun.)
And I'm telling you, everybody gets to at least second base by the seventh grade.
This was a lot of pressure. Especially since most of the girls we knew had no second bases.
Look, I'll tell you what you guys should do. You should get a real book.
A real book?
Yeah, you should get "Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask".
There's a book called that?
Yeah sure, it was a best seller, just go to a bookstore.
Well have you read it?
No, I don't have to. The great ones go on instinct.
Oh, yeah. I go on instinct too.
*
(Kevin and Paul return later to get the book, hidden under the mattress. It is gone. They hear a snicker from behind the other bed.)
Wayne.
Oh, looking for this?
Gimme that you jerk!
Well, I don't know. Think I'm going to have to preview this for you boys.
Thought you didn't need it, Wayne.
Yeah, give it back. We got it!
(Wayne flips through the book.)
Now, I bet you'd like to try this with your little girlfriend Win-nie!
Shut up, Wayne.
Or this! No wait a minute. I think Winnie kinda might like this one.
Shut up, Wayne!
How far are you going to go with her Kev, you gonna try for a home run pal, huh?
(Wayne takes a little baseball swing with the book and makes sound of hitting the ball.)
No wait a minute, wait a minute. Now this one looks like a lotta fun, why don't I read it to you.
(Kevin hurls himself at Wayne and they start to wrestle around.)
It's hard to know just how it happened but suddenly at that moment with an intensity that no one in that room had previously thought possible, twelve and a half years of pent up impotent rage became potent! Sort of...Wayne still outweighed me by a good thirty pounds.
(Wayne tosses Kevin onto the bed, and stands up.)
What's the matter with you!?
(Norma flings open the door. Kevin and Wayne stop fighting.)
What is going on in here?
(Norma spots the book lying on the floor.)
Oh my God! Uh, Paul, I think you better go home now.
(Paul tries to take the book with him. Norma stops him on his way out, and Paul hands it to her.)
Well, you gotta give Paul credit for trying!
What are you boys doing with this book?
Don't ask me - Kevin got it.
Kevin? Is that true?
Yes.
Wayne, go outside.
Kids...I don't know...(Exits.)

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 3 - "My Father's Office")

(On the bus with Steve, Paul, and Wayne.)
Now look, first you have to have something you really want to be, and then you have to have a fallback position. So like, I wanna be a professional baseball player, but my fallbacks...are either...an astronaut or a forest ranger.
OK. OK, I want to be a professional baseball player too.
Well what's your fallback?
A professional football player.
Why don't you fall back a little further.
I don't know. I'd probably go into business with my father.
What's your dad do?
I don't know - he works.
You don't know what your father does? That's the most stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah, well what does your father do?
He works at NORCOM.
Yeah, he works at NORCOM.
Nor-com? What the hell is that?
It's a company, moron.
What does he do there? Is he the janitor?
No, he's the manager, jerk.
What does he manage, toilet bowls?
No, business, stupid! He manages business.
"He manages business"? What the hell's that supposed to mean?
And that's when it hit me. I had absolutely no idea what that meant. Fortunately, Wayne was able to salvage some of our family dignity.
So, you're too stupid to understand anyway, so, so...
(Wayne makes farting noises.)
Oh yeah?
(Steve starts making retaliatory farting noises. Paul joins in.)

*
(In the kitchen, Kevin is dressed in a suit and tie.)
Hey, Uncle Sid finally kicked the bucket?
Wayne.
What's with Sir Lancelot here?
Your brother has an interest in what your father does, so he's going to the office with him.
You mean - instead of school?
Yep.
Well, I've always interested in Dad's work - I wanna go, too! Gimme that toast, butthead.
(Wayne snatches Kevin's toast.)

*
(Kevin has a fantasy about doing Jack's work.)
I imagined myself in that role...
(Kevin puts his feet up on the desk. The nameplate on the desk changes from "Jack Arnold" to "Kevin Arnold".)
Administering things...giving orders, chewing people out.
(Karen enters, dressed as a secretary.)
What the hell do you want?!
(Timidly): Well, Mr. Arnold, sir, i-if...if you're not too busy, sir, I have some papers for your approval, sir.
(She puts some papers on the desk. Kevin snatches them up.)
Sure, I do everything else around here, don't I?
(Kevin stamps the papers forcefully.)
Thank you, sir.
(Karen backs up and exits, as Wayne enters on his knees.)
Good morning...buttface!
Good morning, sir. I spent all night working on these for your approval, sir.
(Kevin flips through some pages, then rips and throws papers back in Wayne's face.)
They stink. Do 'em over again.
Thank you, sir.
Yeah, this was OK. Like father, like son, I guess.

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(Ep 4 - "Angel")

(In Kevin and Wayne's bedroom. Karen's boyfriend, Louis, is visiting Karen.)
This Louis guy's a major butthead! (Gestures.)
(Wayne flips to the centerfold of a Playboy magazine.)
OK. Historically, Wayne was not the guy I turned to in times of crisis.
(Wayne opens up the centerfold and assesses it.)
But bottom-line...
(Wayne reaches for a pair of scissors.)
The Wayner...was my brother. And when it came to protecting our kinfolk, I knew we stood as one.
(Wayne starts to cut the centerfold.)
So, he's a butthead. It's just Karen...
So, he said stuff to mom. (Gestures.)
So?
And he's a radical! You know...(nods)...like at college...(Gestures.)
So?
And he and Karen are lovers.
(Wayne pauses and looks up.)
And I'm not sure if Karen knows about this.
(Wayne looks off in thought.)
But he's got another love named Marissa.
Whoa! Two lovers?
(Wayne stands up.)
You know, I bet they do it in the microbus. I mean, I swear I saw it rocking back and forth before.
(Wayne points excitedly at Kevin.)
You know what we could do?! We could drill a hole in it! And set up a camera!
(Wayne puts his hand on Kevin's shoulder and walks behind him.)
You know, I bet sometimes, when he's doing it with Karen, he shouts...
(Wayne hugs Kevin.)
"Oh, God! Marissa! Oh God! Oh..."
(Wayne makes kissing sounds as Kevin frowns.)
"Marissa".
Well, there was one more hope.
(Cut to dinner. Jack sits down and looks at Louis.)
Hi, Louis. Nice to meet you.
And it was no small hope. It was Dad. The Maginot Line of family resistance. Things were gonna be OK...Dad would take care of this guy. Now the Arnold men would stand together.
(Wayne leans toward Kevin.)
"Oh, God. Marissa, Marissa."

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 5 - "The Phone Call")

(Kevin is still trying to call Lisa. He is at the phone, looking at a piece of paper.)
Well, something deep inside me told me - this was really, really, it. It wasn't the way every muscle in my body tightened, although it did. And it wasn't because every nerve ending in my body tingled, although it did. No, it was because the way every piece of food I had eaten for dinner suddenly went into a spin-cycle in my stomach.
(Kevin timidly reaches toward the phone. The phone rings as he touches it, and he jerks back.)
Ah!
(The phone rings again. Kevin answers it.)
H-hello? Yeah Jeff, just a minute. Wayne! Wayne!!
(Wayne enters. Kevin passes him the handset.)
It's Jeff, but, could you kinda keep it short? Because I gotta, you know, use the phone.
I'll be off when I'm off, scrote. This happens to be a very important phone call. (To Jeff): Yo, buttface. Yeah, how you doin'? Did you see the way I nailed Jimmy on the bus today?
Wayne's idea of an important call was obviously a little different from mine, or any human being's for that matter.
Wayne, can this wait?
(To Kevin): Nah, in a minute. (To Jeff): Oh yeah. Oh God, he's a real weeder. You know, I feel we should all tie him up and uh...
(Fade to "later".)
...yeah, all right, talk to you tomorrow. (To Kevin): All yours, scrote.
(Wayne shoves the phone against Kevin. Wayne starts to leave, then stops.)
Oh no, no, please, no. Why didn't I call before? Why? Maybe he was just going to ask if I wanted the door shut.
Who you calling, scrote?
No one.
Been waiting kind of a long time to be calling no one, pal.
Leave me alone, Wayne.
Could it be - a girl?
Leave me alone!
Let's see, who could it be?
No-one, now get out!
Could it be Debbie Ackerman?
Get out!
Katie Osborne?
Quit it!
Well, the number's got to be here somewhere.
(They both grab for the paper near the phone.)
Uh-uh-uh. Thank you. Oh, Lisa. Do we know any Lisa's?
That's not even it.
Oh? I'm sure you won't mind if I...call her then, will you, pal, huh?
Not at all.
Alright.
No! Give me it, please, Wayne, oh God, no! Please, please, oh please! Give...
It's ringing.
Oh god, no! Please!
Hey, what the hell is going on in there?
(Wayne and Kevin bang the phone down.)
Argh! Nothing.
Wayne, get out of here and leave him alone. Now!
(Wayne pushes Kevin's forehead.)
Butthead.

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 8 - "Our Miss White")

(At dinner, Kevin said he wants to be in Miss White's play.)
What the hell ever happened to "My Fair Lady"?
Dad! Theater's supposed to be a form of political expression.
Not when you're twelve.
(Karen stands up.)
Don't you understand? I mean a play like this can raise people's consciousness about racial oppression. (Frowns.) Sheesh.
Watch your tone with your father.
(Wayne looks at Karen.)
Yeah, and give me that potato if you're not gonna eat it.
(Wayne holds his plate out and scoops the potato onto it.)


See also Full Transcript



(Ep 9 - "Christmas")

Of course, you didn't want to tip your hand. This was a delicate procedure, that required the touch...
So, Dad. You gonna buy us that color TV, or not?
Of a sledgehammer.
What TV?
He didn't tell you?
Uh...
What do we need a color TV for?
So you can watch things. In color!
Watch what?
Bonanza!
Baseball...football! Uh...baseball!
TV's cost money kids.
Uh-oh.
And money doesn't grow on trees. Ya know that.
*
Was that a smile on the old man's face? An actual smile? We'd caught him off-guard! Now was our chance. With the right combination of tact and finesse, we might just -
Dad? Are you gonna get us that new color-TV set, or not?
Unbelievable.
What TV?
Nothing, honey.
What TV?
Really! Nothing.
Mom said that we were gonna get one. Didn't you, Mom?
Obviously something critical had malfunctioned in Wayne's brain.
I didn't say definitely...I did say that your father and I might -
Everybody else has one!
*
Christmas Eve. In homes all over the known universe, an age-old celebration was about to unfold. A time of joy - and harmony. And family.
(Wayne is sitting in front of the TV, wearing a Santa hat. A noisy TV show is on.)
Gee! Would ya look at that car? I wonder what color it is...Oh, wait - there's the ocean! You think it's orange? Nah, it's probably blue. But, how would I know?
(Karen frowns at Wayne.)
Wayne! Turn it down.
That night, all the seams were showing. Only Mom was in there pitching, like a lone fireman at a five-alarm blaze.
Eggnog, anyone! Lydia Herschmuller just called. To remind us about the carolling party tonight. I told her we'd be there with bells on!
Wayne! Turn it down!
You had to wonder - maybe every family was given only so much Christmas cheer to begin with. Maybe this year my family had run out.
Woops! (Points.) That guy's eating a gray banana!
We have to sing "Little Drummer Boy" tonight.
This was pathetic. Someone had to do something.
Hey, you remember the year I played Santa in the school play?
Well, I'd given it my best shot. Nothing.
If we put on sunglasses, we can watch this in black-and-green!
Wayne had finally reached the limit.
(Wayne slide his Santa hat over his eyes, and reaches out his hands. Jack lowers his newspaper slowly in the background.)
I think I'm picking up some color, here! Oh, it's beautiful. It's -
Wayne! Will you just give it up?! We're not getting a TV! Just forget it!


See also Full Transcript



(Ep 10 - "Steady As She Goes")

Wayne, why don't you get up off your butt and help out a little?
I put away the dishes.
Oh, well, in that case, why don't I feed you some grapes?
Peel them if you would, please.
(Phone rings. Wayne answers.)
Hello?.......Kevin? Kevin who?
Give me it, Wayne.
(On the phone): Oh, you mean little Kevin Arnold? Just one moment, please. (To Kevin, teasingly.) Kevin, it's for you.
Wayne!
(On the phone: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to ask who's calling. May I ask who's calling?.......Becky Slater? Oh, just one moment - let me see if he'll take your call. (To Kevin) Kevin.
Wayne!
It's your girlfriend.
Girlfriend?
(On phone, quietly): Hello? .......Yeah, yeah..........Look, I gotta go. We're eating dinner. (Annoyed) Yes! Bye.
Becky Slater? Is that the Slater family on Elm Street?
Here we go.
(Kevin slaps down some bread and frowns.)
Serve up my love life for a little dinner conversation.
(To Jack): Honey, you remember the Slater's? We met them last fall at the PTA fair.
Oh. Tire business, right?
Little Becky Slater, huh? She's a cute one, Kevin.
Why do mothers always feel at liberty to discuss your love life at the dinner table? Probably the same reason they feel it their business to check the crotch of your pants in the middle of a crowded clothing store and say, "Plenty of room in there!"
Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it, Mom.
It's no big deal.
Now, Kevin, I wouldn't call going steady "no big deal."

See also Ken's Transcript



(Ep 11 - "Just Between You and Me...and Kirk and Paul and Carla and Becky")

(Norma and Wayne come down the basement stairs. Paul and Carla, and Kevin and Becky are making out, and separate quickly.)
(Loudly): Hi, Mom. So, you're doing laundry! (Gestures.)
(Norma looks at the kids.)
Yeah, I thought I would.
(Wayne puts a towel on Kevin's head.)
You're folding, Kevin.
(Norma takes the towel off Kevin's head, then peers at Kevin's neck.)
Kevin, what's that on your neck?
(Kevin looks nervous, and casually covers the hickey with his hand.)
Mom, be cool.
Oh this? It's - it's - it's a bug bite!
Ugh, it was embarrassing for everyone.
Hmmm...
(Wayne claps his hands together in preparation.)
Almost everyone.
(Wayne pushes Kevin's head over to look at the hickey.)
I don't know, Mom. Looks to me as though it just might be...a monstro-hickey. A love bite. A big...juicy...lip burn.
(Wayne stands up and smiles.)
But that's just a guess.
(Wayne makes kissing noises. Norma comes out of the laundry with the hamper.)
(To Wayne): Take this upstairs!
(Wayne takes the hamper from Norma and exits making kissing sounds.)

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 12 - "Pottery Will Get You Nowhere")

(Norma is having everyone handle a bowl she made.)
Oh, Wayne? You see that bowl?
Yeah.
Will you take it over to the table?
(Wayne frowns and shrugs.)
Sure.
(Wayne sets it on the table as Karen enters.)
Oh, not there. Karen...That bowl there?
This one?
Yeah. Will you put that in the middle of the table? (Nods.) Well...I guess that's everything. Oh, uh, Jack - could you lift up that bowl?
Something about a bowl, here?
(Jack and Norma look at each other a moment.)
What?
Notice anything different?
You changed your hair. (Smiles.)
I changed my hair three weeks ago...
That's what I meant. (Gestures.) Three weeks ago...(Smiles.)
No...(Smiles.) The bowl. Didn't anybody notice the new bowl? I made it!
(Jack looks at the bowl and raises his eye-brows.)
Hmmm...
Wow!
How'd you make it?! (Smiles.)
Well, I signed up for this ceramics course at the community college. I never would have thought of doing that...but Joyce Lynn Sedakis was signing up for it...and she said it sounded really neat...and I thought..."Why not?"! So, I didn't tell anyone, cause I didn't know if I'd be really good at it. I mean, I know it's not really good...but it's just my first one.
(Wayne glances at the bowl, then Norma.)
It's supposed to be lopsided? (Shrugs.)
Well, no...I tried to...
I think it's cool that it's lopsided. I mean, it's like...(nods)...more natural-looking.
It really is kind of neat, you know. (Nods.) You put this piece of clay on the potter's wheel...you flip the switch, poke your fingers into it, and it just turns into a bowl...like magic. It's amazing to think of all the things you could do with this...
Mom? That's fascinating. Maybe we could talk about it over dinner. (Nods.)
*
(In the morning, Jack frowns as he looks in a cabinet. Karen, Kevin and Wayne are eating at the kitchen table.)
Where the hell is my cup?!
Uh, I think Kevin used it.
I did not! (Frowns.)
I'm sorry...but in a situation like this...we must explore all avenues.
*
(Earlier, Jack and Norma argued about Jack's cup.)
That night at dinner, things were quiet. Too quiet. I couldn't even figure out what my parents were so mad about. I just wished they'd say something.I didn't even mind if they yelled at me, at least it would be something they could do together. That was it! If I just did something really, really bad...then Dad would yell at me...then Mom would yell at me, and then both would yell at me...and before ya knew it they'd be thinking and feeling as one!
(Kevin catapults some mashed potatoes onto Wayne's cheek.)
Kevin, what the hell are you doin'?! (Frowns.)
(Kevin looks at Jack and smiles.)
OK. That's great. Now, Mom...
(Norma looks down as she brushes her hair back. She glances at Kevin as she stands up, then walks off. Kevin frowning slightly. Jack frowns and throws his fork down. He stands up and tosses his napkin down, then exits. Wayne grabs Kevin's shirt.)
Tonight? (Nods.) Why you sleep, pal!
Woops.

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(Ep 13 - "Coda")

(Kevin wants to give up piano lessons. Now, at dinner.)
Did you know this years' recital was coming up?
Well...Yeah.
Are you gonna be playing in it?
Well...
Mom...(frowns)...recitals are for wusses. Of course he's gonna play.
Wayne, there is nothing feminine about playing the piano. And even if there was...(nods)...I think it's good that Kevin is in touch with that.
(Wayne laughs.)
Look. (Gestures.) I'm not going to be playing in the recital, anyway. I already told Mrs. Carples that.
Why not? (Frowns.)
Cuz I just don't feel like it. (Gestures.) Look. I'm not like Ronald Hirschmuller.
Well, that's too bad, because, you know I bumped into Mrs. Carples at the supermarket, too.
Jeez, Mom. Did ya bump into any food?
And she said...that you have real talent. (Smiles.)
What?!
She said you didn't practice enough, but that you have real talent.
Jeez - real talent.
And she said it right in front of Mrs. Hirschmuller, too.
A key bit of information. But there was still one thing I wanted to know.
Well...did she say I'm as good as Ronald Hirschmuller?
Well, no...I-I don't think she said that.
Isn't Ronald Hirschmuller like really, really good?
(Wayne laughs.)
You as good as Ronald Hirschmuller...Fat chance.

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 14 - "Hiroshima, Mon Frere")

(Kevin is lying in bed, awake.)
Sometimes, when you're a kid, you lie awake at night and ponder the kinds of questions that grownups have long since stopped asking. Questions like - What did it feel like to be dead? Are time and space really infinite? What was there before the universe began?
(Kevin looks at Wayne.)
Why are there people like Wayne?
(Wayne snorts and tosses in his sleep.)
Butthead!
I could never figure it out. Even in his sleep, my brother seemed to hate my guts. I guess he'd just never forgiven me for something I did to him very early in life - I'd been born. Then, to make things worse, I stayed. Not that the Wayner didn't try to adjust. In fact, our relationship eventually settled into a fairly stable pattern.
(Home movies of Wayne pounding Kevin's shoulder.)
I always imagined things would pretty much always be that way. But I guess no matter how much your brother hates your guts, and no matter how much you hate his, there's always something you hold back. There are things you could use against him that you don't use.
(Kevin is looking at Wayne in bed.)
No matter how much you hate your brother's guts, you don't really want to hurt him.
(Wayne opens his eyes and scowls at Kevin.)
What are you looking at?
Until, one day, things go too far.
*
(On the bus. Kevin and Paul have their hamsters with them.)
Paul, you better close the cage, or they're gonna get away.
(Paul is holding one, and pets it.)
They wouldn't do that. They like us.
If we lose these guys, Cantwell'll kill is.
(Wayne walks up the aisle.)
Oh, here! I'll protect them for ya! (Laughs.)
No, Wayne...
(Wayne takes it from Paul.)
No, Wayne, stop.
Hey, hey, hey!
Wayne! (Frowns.)
He's fighting me - he's gonna make a break for it!
Wayne! Give him back!
Give him back, Wayne!
(Wayne holds the hampster out the window.)
Back boys - wouldn't want to see anything to happen to your little rat now, would we? (Frowns.)
They're hampsters!
Hampsters? Really - how interesting. Do hampsters always land on their feet?
Wayne!
(Kevin starts slapping Wayne's arms.)
We needed help. We needed...(Wayne pushes Kevin)...stop...a bat! A big bat! We needed...
(Angela walks up the aisle.)
Angela Chompsky.
Wayne! (Nods.) It's your girlfriend.
(Angela walks past.)
Hi, Angela! (Waves.)
(Wayne frowns and takes the hampster to the seat in front of Angela.)
Heh-heh-heh. The last thing he'd want is for his little brother to embarrass him in front of Angela Chompsky.
(Wayne lifts the hampster over the seat-back, and speaks in a "hampster voice".)
Oh, Angela...
(Wayne laughs. Angela and her girlfriend giggle.)
No...he'd rather embarrass himself in front of Angela Chompsky.
Wayne! Give it back. You're gonna squish it!
(Kevin moves near Wayne. Wayne pulls out a pencil and holds it next to the hampster.)
Hey! Back, scrote! Or the little guy gets it! (Smiles.)
(Wayne holds the hampster in front of Angela, and speaks in a squeaky voice.)
Oh, Angela - I want to go mountain climbing!
(Wayne holds the hampster near Angela's...mountain.)
Wayne! (Frowns.)
(Wayne laughs, then holds the hampster in front of himself.)
Oh-oh, hampster out of control! Hampster out of control!
Wayne! (Frowns.) Wayne!
(Wayne holds the hampster out and lurches toward Angela.)
Oh, God! Look out! Look out! Ahhh!
(Angela screams.)
Wayne! (Frowns.) Wayne!!
(Wayne looks at Kevin.)
What? (Shrugs.)
*
(Kevin and Paul are discussing their experiment in the kitchen.)
They're still upset from this afternoon. Wheezer's breathing very fast, and Puffy - I mean the control-subject - has the, uh...hiccups. Maybe we should go to my house and do this.
Relax. Wayne won't try anything - not with Mom and Dad around.
(Sound of Norma's high-heels clicking on the floor.)
Oh, no. What was that sound?
Mom! You're wearing high-heels. (Frowns.)
It could only mean one thing.
You're father and I are going out, honey! (Smiles.)
Oh...no...!
(Wayne enters.)
OK - get the rats out of the kitchen! (Frowns.)
They're hampsters!
Mom's given us permission!
Mom...you're not gonna let them do their stupid experiment in here...
I already told them they could.
But Angela's coming over.
Angela's coming over? (Frowns.) In your dreams!
Eat your heart out, sonny boy - she wants me. (Frowns.) Now, beat it!
You beat it!
No, I'll beat you!
Yeah, right!
I'll beat -
Yeah, get off me, stupid.
Now, can't your father and I leave you for two hours, without you two at each other's throats?! (Frowns.)
(They pause, holding each other's throat.)
Uh-uh.
Wayne - you and Angela can use the living room...Kevin and Paul can use the kitchen.
Mom...(Frowns.) You don't want these little rodents in here! I mean, we eat in here.
It'll be alright!
They're so dirty and smelly!
They are not - they're clean!
They'll leave these little pellets...(gestures)...all over the place. And they're gonna get in your walls and breed! (Frowns.)
Wayne knew just how to play Mom. If there was one thing she dreaded, it was that animals would get in her walls and breed.
Kevin - I want them in the cage at all times. Do you understand?
Yes, Mom.
I'm gonna go get the vacuum out, and I want you to clean up after them. (Exits.)
I don't care what Mom says. As soon as they're gone, you're gone, butthead!
No, I'm not, butthead!
Yes you are, dorkface!
Things were going badly.
Dorkhead...
I needed help in a big way.
(Jack enters.)
Dad! Mom gave me permission to do my project in here, and Wayne's starting to -
I don't want to hear it.
(Jack turns to Karen who enters.)
Karen? You're in charge.
Karen?
Can we rely on you, honey? (Smiles.)
Don't worry, Mom. Now, go on, or you're gonna miss your movie. (Nods.)
Well, OK...bye-bye...
It came down to this...my last hope for peaceful co-existence lay in the hands of a seventeen-year-old flower-child.
(Karen looks out the window.)
And yet - call it crazy - I felt a sudden rush of faith in my sister.
I'm outta here. You guys are on your own. (Exits.)
Well - alright! (Smiles.) Where do we stand? Dad's gone. Mom's gone. Karen's gone. Well, who's next in the chain of command? Of course - how silly of me. Why, it's me. (Frowns.) And I say, you two are out of here, right now!
You get out of here!
Alright - I didn't want it to come to this...
(Wayne takes a hampster from the cage.)
Stop it, Wayne!
Leave Wheezer alone!
"Wheezer"? Oh, don't want to hurt little Wheezer, do we?
Give him back, or I'll -
You'll what?!
Give me a break - the guy out-weighed me by four-thousand pounds.
(Kevin stands up.)
Or, I'll take 'em back.
He'll take 'em back!
(Kevin and Wayne start to fight. Wayne hurries to the garbage-disposal and turns it on.)
Back!
You wouldn't dare!
Observe.
(Wayne drops a carrot in the disposal.)
Stop him!
You don't scare me, Wayne.
He's getting heavy...
Alright! Alright.
Say "I give up, oh mighty Wayne, my lord and master"!
Eat it! (Frowns.)
Um! The blades whirl so fast, you can hardly see 'em!
Stop him!
"I give up, oh mighty Wayne, my lord and master" - now turn it off!
First - I want you to pick up all that junk, take it into your bedroom, and then close the door. And I don't want to see either of you for the rest of the night!
Gimme the hampster! (Frowns.)
When you're in your room, and not before...and then I'll give it to your little lab-partner, here.
(Kevin and Paul walks off.)
That's what I like to see, boys - a little cooperation!
(Kevin heads to the bedroom. Paul waits at the kitchen doorway.)
(V/O): Alright! Give it!
All the way in - not in the hallway.
(V/O): I'm in!
Paul? Check him. (Frowns.)
He's in the bedroom.
(Wayne hands the hampster to Paul.)
This is the last I want to see of you, Pfeiffer.
(Paul exits as Wayne kicks him in the butt. Cut to Kevin's bedroom. Kevin is pacing.)
One of these days! I'm gonna kill 'em! I'm gonna smash his brains out! Rip 'em to pieces!
Rip his eyeballs out and roll 'em down the sewer!
Are you OK, Wheezer?
Uh! I'll...
Split his head open like a ripe melon!
Come on, Kevin. It's time to feed them!
What? Oh! Right, right.
Next time...I'm not backin' down. I don't care what he does.
(Cut to Wayne on the phone.)
Hi, Angela? Yeah, it's Wayne. I pretty much have the place to myself, right now...so, why don't you come on over?
*
(In Kevin's bedroom. They are about to start the maze experiment.)
Where's the rootbeer?
Oh, it's in the...
(Paul looks toward the door, and pauses.)
Kitchen.
(Kevin stands up.)
Hey! We can't go back in there! Wayne said if we were in-
Hey! This is my house, too! He can't control our lives!
(Cut to Wayne on the phone. Kevin pauses at the doorway.)
Oh, come on, Angela - you promised!.....Well, your hair looked pretty clean to me......I'll tell ya what - I'll wash it and blow it dry for you......Oh, come on, Angela - I'm just gonna keep calling until you say "yes". I'm gonna bug you and bug you, until you can't....Really? You're really coming over? Alright, OK - seeya in ten minutes.
(Wayne hangs up, and does a little hula dance.)
What are you lookin' at, dorkface?!
(Kevin walks to the refrigerator.)
You know, I thought I told you what part of the house you were restricted to. Or am I forgetting? It's just seems so fresh in my mind, though! (Gestures.)
I guess you were right about Angela wanting you. (Frowns.) She sounds pretty desperate.
Oh, shut up, butthead!
Alright, alright!
(Kevin backs up, shaking a bottle of rootbeer at Wayne.)
Touchy, touchy!
*
(Later, Wayne is standing in the living room, rehearsing.)
Oh, Angela...I'm glad you could make it. I know it's short notice and all, but...I just had to see you.(Gestures.)
(Wayne brushes his hair back, and sits on the couch. Shot of the clock advancing from 7:45 to 9:30 PM. Wayne is gloomily slumped on the couch.)
*
(Later, Wayne is on the phone. Kevin approaches for some water and pauses at the doorway.)
Ah, but Angela - I thought you were comin' over......Oh - are you serious?.....Oh, hah! Are you kidding me? I do stuff like that all the time, too.
(Wayne leans forward and gestures.)
Angela...Come on! Come on over!....Please?...Or I could come over there?.....Angela? Angela?
(Wayne hangs up and sighs. Kevin walks back to his room. Wayne looks over his shoulder. Cut to Kevin's bedroom.)
Where's the water?
Forget it.
But he needs a glass of water!
Paul! Let's just finish the experiment.
(Wayne pushes the door open with his foot, holding a vacuum-cleaner, and wearing a kid's plastic fireman's helmet. Wheezer runs under the bed.)
Hampster patrol!
Stay outta here, Wayne!
"Stay outta out of here, Wayne!"
(Wayne switches on the vacuum, and points with it.)
Your mother told you to be sure to clean up after those little devils...(Smiles and laughs.)
(Wayne approaches and Kevin starts wrestling with him.)
Wayne, gimme that!
(Wayne laughs.)
Wayne! Get out of here!
Work, work, work. It's all I ever do around here.
Get out of here!
Just tryin' to help...
You're gonna hurt them!
Now, would I do somethin' like that? I'm just tryin' to...
(Wayne sticks the vacuum hose under the bed, sucking up Wheezer.)
No! Wheezer!
(Kevin and Wayne pause as Wayne turns off the vacuum. Kevin pushes Wayne. Wayne stands and looks around.)
At that moment, as I looked at my brother - something snapped inside me. I didn't hate his guts. I hated him. I hated everything about him. And at that moment, I didn't care what it cost me - I didn't care about anything...I just wanted to hurt him.
You want to know why Angela wouldn't come over?!
Shut up.
Because she doesn't like you, Wayne!
Shut up!
She doesn't - nobody does!
Shut up!
No! You may be bigger than me...and stronger than me. But you know what, Wayne? I have friends! (Smiles.) Nobody likes you, Wayne! You're just mean...to everybody, all the time, because...nobody likes you! You're pathetic!
(Wayne's hair flies back in a bright white flash. Fade to a nuclear explosion and mushroom cloud.)
*
(Another day, Kevin is on a park bench, poking the sidewalk with a stick.)
I didn't see Wayne very much, for the next couple of days. In fact, I stayed out of the house, a lot. So as not to run into him.
(Wayne approaches and pauses.)
What are you doing here?
Nothing. What are you doing here?
None of your business.
(Wayne picks up a rock, glances around, and sighs. Kevin is looking down.)
Look - I'm sorry, OK?! (Gestures.) What do you want me to say?! I'm sorry!
Pfff - yeah. (Frowns.) Well, it was a stupid thing to do!
I know that! What do you think I am?! An idiot?! You don't think I meant to do it, do you?
(Kevin looks down and hesitates.)
No...
(Wayne looks off and frowns, then looks down and shakes his head.)
Sorry I said all that stuff.
Look, I'm goin' home, OK? You going home? (Gestures.)
Yeah, I guess so.
(They walk off together.)
As my brother and I walked home that day, I guess we both knew that things would never be quite the same between us. Everything would be more complicated now. Now, we both knew...that I could hurt him. The funny thing was, I'm not sure I was glad about that.

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(Ep 18 - "Fate")

(Dinner.)
Honey, you're not eating.
I'm not hungry.
Even if I had been, no way I was going to take on an ear of corn with a busted jaw.
But you love corn on the cob!
(Wayne takes Kevin's corn.)
I'll take it.
Thank God so far no one had even noticed my souvenir. With a little luck...
(Karen frowns at Kevin.)
Uh, Kevin, what's that on your face?
Uh-uh...it's nothing.
Looks like a huge hickey.
It's not!
Honey, what is that?
(Jack frowns at Kevin.)
Yeah, what the hell is that?
It-it's...nothing, really.
Eddie...heh-heh...Pinetti.
Who's Eddie Pinetti?
Wayne...
Well he's this guy...in eigth grade who rips tonsils out with his bare hands.
Wayne!
Kevin picked a fight with him.
I did not!
Eh, that's what I heard.

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(Ep 19 - "Birthday Boy")

(On the bus. Wayne and Steve are turned backwards facing Kevin and Paul.)
So what the hell's a bar mitsvah, anyways?
It's a ceremony when you become a man, stupid.
A man? Pfeiffer? Hah-hah. That's got to be the funniest thing I 've heard all day. Steve? Are you hearing this? Pfeiffer's about to become a man...
What's so funny about that?
You're not a man until you lose your virginity.
That's right. So I'd say you guys are little boys...until you're at least...forty-five.
Oh, I think that's optimistic. (Nods.)
Well, I mean, if your actually talking about having sex with another person.
Oh, shut up, Wayne! You're just jealous.
Yeah, you're just jealous.
Jealous? (Frowns.) Why? Because you get to wear one of those little beanies on your head? (Gestures.)
It's called a yarmulke. And for your information, it happens to be a very big deal! I get to stand up in front of all my friends and my whole family...(gestures)...and say prayers and make this big speech and stuff.
(Wayne looks at Paul in mock surprise.)
A speech? A speech? Well...(gestures)...now I'm jealous, now I'm jealous.
And then we have this huge party.
Oh, I've heard of those Pfeiffer parties. (Nods.)
Very hot...(Gestures.)
Catered...all you can eat and drink...
Ooohh...
And hundreds of guests...(gestures)...and all the girls I want to invite.
Make sure you keep 'em on a leash, now.
And a band.
A live band?
And tons of presents. Well, if you figure a hundred people...and they each bring one...
You're really gonna get a hundred presents?
Yeah, of course! (Shrugs.) And that's not including the money.
Like how much money? (Gestures.)
Hmmm...maybe a thousand bucks.
Did he say...a thousand bucks?
*
Hey, Wayne! Get out here and start the car!
I-I can do it!
Nah, I don't think so, Kev - you're not tall enough.
(Wayne approaches behind Jack, and Jack hands the keys to him.)
Here, start it up nice and easy.
Yes I am!
(Wayne pushes Kevin as he passes him.)
Step aside, little sprout!
Don't give it too much gas till I tell ya. I don't want to flood the engine.
The story of my twelve-and-three-quarter-year-old life. As much a man as the next guy, until the cards were on the table. Then it's a fine "how do you do", a pat-him-on-the-head, and -
(Kevin rests his hand near the engine.)
Dammit, Kevin! Get the hell away from that engine. (Points.) That thing'll take your hand off!
(The motor pops and dies. Jack frowns.)
Not...anymore.

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(Ep 20 - "Brightwing")

(Kevin has put a note in a locker for Karen. He wants to hang out with her and her friends, but they drop him off at school.)
Not exactly what I had in mind. Still, Karen and I had kinda shared something. And there was no harm done.
(Cut to evening in the living room.)
Where you and Karen go in Julie's car this morning? Hmmm?
Woops. Maybe I spoke too soon.
Not that it's any of my business, of course. I saw you at the bus-stop. So, let's just say I'm...curious.
Leave it to Wayne to ferret out potential mis-doings.
(Wayne eats a banana.)
You gave Kevin a ride?
Well, sure! (Smiles.)
A ride to where?
To school...Right, Kev?
Uh, yeah! To school.
In...Julie's car?
(Karen and Kevin nod.)
Oh. (Nods.) That was nice of you.
Except...they didn't go right to school. Did ya, guys?
No...(nods)...we didn't, Wayne.
I didn't think so.
See, Julie's car was sputtering - it does that when it's low on gas - but Julie thought that we could make it to a gas-station.
(Kevin frowns.)
What?!
Really...
But then...we saw Kevin and Paul...so Sandy said, "Let's pick 'em up, in case we have to push".
(Kevin frowns.)
Help!
And then?
And then...(gestures)...we made it to the gas-station. And there was this really cute guy working the pumps...so we stopped to talk for a while...and then...we dropped Kevin and Paul off at school! Right, Kev?
What was I gonna say? This story wasn't gonna float!
Well...(Frowns.) You were lucky.
Huh?!
You could have been late for school. (Nods.) Both of you!
Mom, they didn't - (Frowns.)
Why the hell is Julie drivin' around with no gas. Didn't she ever hear of checkin' the gas-gauge?
Dad...(Frowns.)
That funny little dial on the dashboard.
*
(Kevin has spent the afternoon with Karen at the hill, and has just hung up the phone after talking to Paul.)
What's that on you face?
Uh...I was, uh...
Uh-oh...Stay calm, now. How would Karen handle this?
Fingerpainting!
Fingerpainting? (Laughs.)
Uh, yeah...in art class.
Come on, Kevin. (Frowns.) Fingerpainting is for five-year-olds.
Th-th-that's the idea...it was just...like, uh...an experiment.
Oh, please continue. (Laughs.) This is fascinating.
Uh...see...uh...
(Norma accidentally cuts her finger with a knife.)
Um. Wayne...Wayne - run and get me a band-aid...Thank you...

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(Ep 21 - "Square Dance")

(At dinner.)
I hear you're in love. I hear you really, really, want her. An hour a day isn't enough, huh? (Smiles.)
Shut up, Wayne.
(Karen enters.)
Shut up about what?
Nothing.
Kevin was square dancing in gym today.
Square dancing? (Frowns.) What kinda sport is that? Don't they teach wrestling anymore?
Oh, I don't know, honey. I'm sure it teaches good...eye-foot...coordination.
So, uh...
(Wayne smiles and elbows Kevin.)
Who'd you get as a partner, Kev?
Some girl. Some girl? Oh, surely you're too modest.
Well? Who was it, Kevin?
(Kevin looks at his food and puts a forkful in his mouth.)
Margaret Farquhar...
I didn't get that. Could you speak up? (Smiles.)
Margaret Farquhar? (Nods.) Trudy Farquhar's sister? She's a little different, isn't she?
Hah-hah-hah. Are you kidding? She's a joke! She's a gleep!
(Wayne laughs, then frowns at Kevin.)
Sorry, Kevin...
*
(Margaret has come to visit Kevin, who reluctantly let her in, but has spent an OK time after all.)
Kevin? Will you're friend be staying for dinner?
(Kevin glances off and smiles.)
Now, that was a picture. Margaret, Mortimer, Mom, and Dad...
(Kevin looks at Margaret worriedly.)
And...
(Shot of Margaret resting her head on her hand, as Wayne fades into the shot, sitting next to her. He looks from Kevin to Margaret and smiles.)
Wayne!
Margaret!
(Kevin hurries to the door and looks out the window, then turns to Margaret.)
You gotta go!
(Kevin starts to help her up.)
Now?!
Yes, now!
Can I have another drink of water?
Here! Here's a glass - there's a hose up the street around the corner.
Kevin! (Frowns.)
Sorry, Mom - it was ditch her or die.
Well...maybe you can come over to my house sometime.
Sure! Sure!
If you come tonight you could meet Isabelle...
(Kevin guides Margaret toward the door.)
I-I'll be there!
Is that a promise? (Smiles.)
(V/O): Mom?!
(Kevin looks over his shoulder, then back to Margaret.)
Yeah, OK! I promise!
Really?! You promise?! (Smiles excitedly.)
(Kevin pushes Margaret outside.)
I promise!
(Kevin slams the door and turns around. Wayne leans in the dining room doorway.)
What'd I miss, here?
Nothing!
(Wayne approaches behind Norma and crosses his arms.)
Nope. Nothin'. Nothin' at all. Except for one...meaningless...little promise.

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(Ep 22 - "Whose Woods Are These")

(At school, Kevin scratched his initials in Mr. Diperna's desk. Now, he's in his bedroom. Jack is at the open door, and Wayne stands behind him.)
You're grounded, buster!
(Wayne smiles and points.)
You hear me? No parties...no friends! You're grounded! (Frowns.)
(Jack turns toward the door. Wayne crosses his arms and smiles at Jack, as Jack exits and slams the door. Wayne smiles at Kevin and gives him the "thumbs up" sign.)
Nice goin', dorkface!
(Kevin sighs and looks off. Wayne points and frowns at Kevin.)
It was a real dumb stunt. (Smiles.)
(Wayne turns toward the door.)
Wayne!
(Wayne half-turns and laughs as he opens the door and exits. Kevin looks off and frowns slightly.)
Wayne was right. The fact was, I wasn't sure myself why I'd done it. Except that nothing seemed...permanent, anymore. Harper's Woods...Paul and Winnie...our friendship. What'd it all mean?
(Wayne opens the door and frowns at Kevin.)
Grow up, butthead.
(Wayne closes the door.)

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(Ep 23 - "How I'm spending My Summer Vacation")

(Kevin is moping in the kitchen.)
(Whining) Why can't we go on vacation?
Maybe next summer.
Well it's not fair. I have nothing to do.
(Jack enters the kitchen from behind Kevin.)
What was that?
Ah...
I'm not exactly sure, but I believe he said, "I have nothing to do."
"Nothing to do"?
Uh-ohhhhh.

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(Ep 24 - "Summer Song")

(The Arnold's are just getting the car packed.)
Honey? Where's Wayne?
(Norma looks in the car window.)
Wayne.
The fact was, we were starting to outgrow this annual ritual.
(Norma knocks on the window. Wayne and Delores are kissing.)
Wayne. Honey? It's time for you and Delores to say goodbye, now.
That's what we're doing. (Smiles.)
Outta the car!
My brother was a victim of bad timing. Two weeks before, he had met the girl of his dreams,
only to have her ripped away by a trip to Ocean City.
Hey, Mr. Arnold!
There were other changes, too.
(Paul smiles, showing his braces.)
I can't wait - this is gonna be great!
I'm not comin'! (Shrugs.)
Want to stay home and get a haircut?
I'm comin', I'm comin'...(Frowns.)


*
Yep. Maybe a family vacation would do me some good.
(On the road. Wayne elbows Kevin.)
Watch it, butthead!
Hey! What did I do? (Gestures.)
You crossed the line.
Course, I'd have to survive the car trip, first.
*
(Driving through Ocean City.)
Ocean City. Where mom and dad had spent their honeymoon in 1949. We'd grown up hearing them talk about it. Quaint seaside bungalows...the soft drum of the surf.
(Cut to the noisy motel parking lot.)
Kind of a castaway's paradise.
Forty-eight bucks for two lousy rooms? What happened to this place?
Two rooms? Who am I staying with?
You ain't staying with me, Karen.
I don't want to stay with you, Wayne!
Good! I hope you don't stay.
Dad?
Why don't you go on a peace march?
I'm not talking to you, Wayne!
Alright, you two, that's enough...
I wish I could find somewhere else, I would be there right now...
Yeah, you would be there...
Wayne!
If it was a dump...
*
(The beach.)
Heck - you don't even know what long is! This is not long! I mean, look at that guy Karen was talkin' to!
Who was Karen talkin' to?
Can we please try to have a good time? Karen's going away to college next year - this is the last time we have to all be together.
Why...do there have to be so many flies here?
*
(At the restaurant.)
Who's Teri? Some boy you met on the beach?
Not exactly.
What do you mean?
Well...
I didn't want Mom to think I was having some kind of illicit rendezvous. This would have to be handled delicately.
Some bimbo he met on the beach!
She's not a bimbo, Wayne!
Can I have a beer, Mom.
Wayne! Go back to the room.
But, I -
Now!

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(Ep 26 - "Wayne On Wheels")

(Paul and Kevin are in the front yard as the Arnold's car approaches. Wayne is driving, with Jack riding shot-gun. Wayne turns the car sharply into the driveway, and screeches to a stop.)
Dammit, Wayne! (Frowns.)
I had my blinker on. (Smiles.)
I don't believe this! Wayne is driving?
Yeah. He got his learner's permit yesterday.
OK, Wayne. Slower this time.
Gotcha. (Smiles.)
(Wayne puts the car in reverse and begins to back up.)
*
(Wayne and Delores are at the kitchen table. Kevin stands at the refrigerator, looking at them. Delores is looking at a pamphlet.)
OK...When the traffic signal is out-of-order, you should..."A", use caution and proceed through the intersection, "B", slow down then take the right-of-way, "C", treat the intersection as a four-way stop?
(Wayne rubs his forehead.)
Uh...Let's see. Four-way stop.
(Kevin smiles and makes a fist.)
Yes! (Smiles.)
It was the first time I ever rooted for my brother.
OK. The speed limit in a school zone is..."A", five miles per hour, "B", fifteen miles per hour, "C", twenty miles per hour?
The way I saw it...it was my future hanging in the balance.
Wait, wait, wait - I know this one.
(Delores sighs and flips the booklet closed.)
It's "B", Wayne...
"B", right...
You better study harder...
Delores...(frowns)...I don't -
If you don't pass this test and you don't get this license...you know what else you don't get.
(She rests her chin in her palm, makes a little face, looks off, chews her gum rapidly and blows a bubble.)
The woman was obviously a keen student of motivational dynamics.
OK, OK...(Frowns.)
Yep - with a little luck...Wayne was on his way...leaving me on the threshold of a brave new world.
*
(Another day in the kitchen. Wayne opens a letter from "Motor Vehicle Registration and Licensing". Kevin watches.)
Yes.
(Wayne takes a few little steps in excitement.)
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes! (Smiles.)
Whoo!
It was a moment to remember. For one brief instant...my brother and I were in total agreement.
(Kevin raises his arms.)
Congratulations, Wayne! (Smiles.)
(Norma enters from the living room carrying a basket of laundry.)
Thanks, butthead.
(Wayne taps Kevin on the arm with the letter. Norma passes between them.)
Excuse me.
And then it happened.
(Kevin and Wayne look at Norma and speak at the same time.)
Mom, I need a ride to the mall.
Mom, I gotta to go pick up Delores.
(Norma pauses and looks over her shoulder, slightly puzzled.)
Uh-oh...
Wait, Mom - it's Saturday. You promised to take me to the mall.
(Wayne holds up the letter.)
And you said as soon as I got this...(points)...I could have the car.
It was a case for King Solomon. Mom, however, rose to the occasion.
Well, I have to take your father's suits to the cleaners. (Shrugs.)
(K & W): Mom!
Uh-uh. Unacceptable.
Well, then...
Here it came...a landmark decision.
I know...Wayne, you take Kevin to the mall, and then you can have the car. (Smiles.)
(K & W): What?
Mom!
Mom, it's totally out of my way! (Gestures.)
But, honey...now that you have a license...(nods), and car privileges...(nods), you have to assume some of the responsibilities. And one of those...is driving Kevin.
This was unbelievable! A terrible twist of fate. The hoped-for boon had instantly turned into a curse.
(Cut to the far corner of the mall as the car jerks to a stop.)
Wayne and I were thrown together once again.
OK - buttheads out! (Gestures.)
Here?
Hey...Mom said the mall...I mean, technically...(gestures)...this is the mall.
Come on, Kev...Let's just go.
Eh! (Points.) Be on the curb at six-thirty...or spend the night. (Smiles.) Have fun shopping, girls.
(Wayne puts the car in gear and drives off.)
*
(Outside the theater at the mall, Kevin finally sees the girl he has been trying to meet all day, and approaches her.)
Hi...(Sighs.)
(Sound of squealing tires. Kevin and the girl look toward the parking lot.)
Well, well, well. What do we have here - a new girlfriend perhaps? (Laughs.) Getting a little smoocharoo at the movies, baby brother?
(Wayne laughs and turns toward Delores. Kevin sighs and frowns at Wayne.)
There was only one thing to do.
Bye.
Bye.
(Kevin approaches the back door of the car as Wayne honks the horn.)
Salvage what I could of my dignity.
(Wayne scoots the car forward a few feet, and stops abruptly, while looking at Kevin.)
Oops! (Laughs.)
Wayne!
(Kevin reaches for the door handle. Wayne smiles over his shoulder as he scoots the car forward again. Kevin frowns at Wayne as he takes a few steps forward. Wayne honks the horn and Kevin glances over his shoulder toward the girls.)
Wayne - don't do this to me.
Do what? I'm just having a little trouble here with the brakes, that's all. (Gestures.) I swear, I won't do it this time.
(Wayne scoots forward again, then stops.)
Wayne!
Hey! OK. I swear...(gestures)...I won't do it. Just get in.
(Kevin reaches for the handle as the car scoots forward. Wayne looks over his shoulder at Kevin as he stops the car abruptly. Kevin takes a few steps.)
Wayne...
Really, come on - I-I gotta get home.
(Kevin reaches for the handle as the car scoots forward. The movie theme starts again. Wayne looks over his shoulder at Kevin as he pulls away. Kevin trots after the car.)
Wayne.
(Wayne makes a turn, and Kevin runs next to the car.)
Wayne!
(Fade to the Arnold kitchen. Jack looks glum, seated at the kitchen table holding a set of keys on a ring.)
I don't get it? I mean, what's the big deal? (Gestures.) Hey - I tried to pick him up - he just wouldn't get in.
Wayne, we are very disappointed in you.
Actually, I think Dad was a wee bit more than disappointed.
A car is not a toy...and the privilege of driving is not something to be taken lightly.
Now, anyone with half a brain would have settled for a lecture. But...well...Wayne was Wayne.
Well...(gestures)...what good is having a license if all I get to do is drive Kevin around!
You're right.
Huh?
No more driving for you. Privileges suspended. Indefinitely.
A funny thing happens when you're thirteen and your brother gets punished...
(Cut to the bathroom. Kevin is in pajamas, taking a mouthful of water from a plastic glass. Wayne enters behind him and pauses, staring at him. Kevin looks over his shoulder, then turns forward smiling slightly. He spits the water into the sink as Wayne walks away.)
You kind of enjoy it.
(Kevin has toothpaste all over his mouth as he looks over his shoulder again. Wayne is looking at him then takes a step toward Kevin, who wipes his mouth with a tissue as he turns forward, grinning.)
What are you grinnin' at? (Frowns.)
(Wayne exits as Kevin looks after him. Cut to another day. Kevin approaches the front window and looks out.)
In fact...you revel in it.
(Wayne is riding his bike in circles in the street. A red Corvair pulls up next to him. Delores rides in the back seat. Wayne rides forward.)
Sure, I felt some pity. But somehow I knew...
(Wayne leans against the car, talking and gesturing to Delores.)
Deep down...
(The car pulls forward. Wayne runs his hand along the car as it moves away from him.)
It was him, or me.
(Wayne awkwardly straddles his bike and looks after the car.)


*
(Another day. Kevin has learned he may be able to meet his dream girl at the mall. He is approaching the kitchen.)
Mom? Hey, Mom? Can you take me to the...
(Kevin slows up in the doorway. Jack holds up the car keys in front of Wayne. Sound of squealing tires as the camera zooms in on the keys. Kevin looks aghast.)
Mall...Oh, no...(Sighs.)
Wayne'll drive you. Won't you, Wayne?
Sure. I'd be glad to.
But, I - (Frowns.)
Your brother and I had a little talk. About responsibility. Right, Wayne? (Nods.)
(Wayne reaches for the keys.)
Right, Dad. Ready to go, Kev? (Smiles.)
"Kev"? This was nuts. Did they really believe Wayne had changed his spots?
Would six o'clock be OK with you, Kev?
(Wayne looks at Jack, and smiles as he waves slightly. Wayne pats Kevin's shoulder and exits.)
Still, it was possible.
(Cut to a residential street. Wayne, Kevin and Paul lurch to a stop.)
In theory.
Get out!
Note I said..."in theory".
What?
Here. Here's ten bucks. Why don't you just go hang out at Paul's house for a couple hours?
No way! (Frowns.) We're going to the mall.
No, you're not. (Frowns.)
Yes, we are. (Nods.)
Look - I have a date with Delores...(gestures)...and I don't have time to drive you all the way to the mall...
Well, I have a date, too.
(Wayne makes a face.)
Yeah, right. (Smiles.) Come on - I'm already late.
So are we. We're not getting out, Wayne. (Gestures.)
Fine. Then we'll just sit here. (Shrugs.)
Fine. (Gestures.)
(Cut to later. It is darker outside, and crickets are chirping. Wayne looks at Kevin and waves the money.)
Kevin, quit foolin' around! Just take the money and get out!
No, you promised Dad!
(Wayne smacks Kevin on the head then waves his finger sideways in front of him.)
I didn't get my license...so I could be your chauffeur.
OK...(gestures)...so what are we supposed to do? (Frowns.)
I'll give you a choice. Get out of the car...or die!
Is today Friday? (Frowns.) I just remembered...(Nods.) I-I gotta take my sister to *Kitty City*. Maybe I'll just walk home from here. (Exits.)
Well?
Just take me to the stupid mall! (Frowns.)
Kevin, I'm not kidding! (Frowns.)
I'm not, either! (Frowns.)
Get out of the damn car! (Gestures.)
Maybe I should have. But I knew if I gave in now...I'd be riding a bike for the rest of my life.
Look, Wayne - will you stop acting like a selfish jerk?
Fine! (Frowns.) You want to go to the mall?!
(Wayne hesitates, then smiles slightly as his nostrils flare.)
Well, let's go to the mall.
(Cut to the road. Wayne looks at Kevin, who looks straight ahead.)
Instinctively, I knew I had to show no fear.
(The car swerves back-and-forth as it approaches.)
I knew Wayne would never push it past a certain limit.
(Wayne turns the steering-wheel sharply as he looks at Kevin, then smiles.)
I was wrong.
(A car is in the middle of the road with the hood up.)
Wayne.
(Wayne is looking toward Kevin and laughing as he guns the motor.)
Wayne! (Gestures.) Look out!
(Wayne looks forward, and jerks he car off the road into a cornfield.)
Ahhhhhhhhh!
At that moment, all I could think of was that great big house with the great big yard I'd never see again.
(They lurch to a stop.)
Wayne!
(Wayne sits back with his mouth open, then blinks rapidly.)
Wayne! You're crazy, you know that!?
(Wayne closes his eyes and swallows.)
You could have got us killed!
(Wayne blinks and opens his mouth as he looks forward. Kevin turns forward and bangs his door with his fist. Wayne turns toward Kevin.)
Are you OK?
It was the first time he had asked me that question in thirteen years.
Yeah, I think so. (Frowns.)
(Fade to on the road. The car approaches at about ten miles an hour. The front right tire is flat.)
As we drove home in silence...we began to realize the absurdity of our situation. We were two people, with almost nothing in common...thrown together by circumstance. The harder we struggled against that fact, the more tightly we were bound together.
(Kevin and Wayne glance at each other, then start to laugh.)
That night, the gap between thirteen and sixteen...got a little smaller.
(Cut to the Arnold driveway. Jack sighs and slowly walks toward the front of the car with his hands in his back pockets. Kevin and Wayne stand side-by-side, as Jack takes a long breath and looks at the front of the car. Jack frowns and looks at the boys.)
What the hell happened?
(Kevin hesitates, then glances toward Wayne.)
The...tire blew, Dad.
(Wayne looks at Kevin. Jack frowns.)
The spare was flat.
How fast were you goin'?
(Wayne frowns and looks down. He frowns again, shrugs, looks at Kevin, then rubs his hands together.)
Only about thirty.
(Jack frowns and tilts his head. Kevin glances at Wayne, then frowns.)
Thirty-five. (Nods.)
(Wayne turns toward Kevin. They nod slightly, and Wayne turns forward again. Jack frowns heavily at the boys, then turning slightly toward the car and looks down. He hesitates, then leans forward, holds up a corn tassle and looks at it, then frowns at the boys. Wayne looks off, puts his hands behind his back, glances at Kevin, then at Jack. Fade to the street as Kevin walks along the curb.)
I didn't make it back to the mall for several weeks.
(Wayne approaches behind him in the car.)
Somehow I just didn't feel like gettin' in a car.
Want a lift?
No, I'll walk. (Frowns.)
Ah, come on - get in. (Smiles.)
(Kevin looks forward in thought, then at Wayne, and shrugs slightly as he approaches the door.)
As for Wayne and me...we'd reached a new understanding.
(Wayne sticks his tongue out as he starts to pull forward.)
Wayne!
Come on - get in. (Smiles.)
(Kevin approaches the door, and reaches for the handle. Wayne smiles as he starts to pull forward.)
We didn't have to be friends or anything.
Wayne!
No, no! Really!
(Kevin reaches for the handle as Wayne drives away slowly. Kevin chases after the car as Wayne continues to tease him.)
But we'd always be brothers.

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(Ep 27 - "Mom Wars")

(In the kitchen. Kevin is lying about the blood on his shirt.)
Did I say fish sticks? I'm sorry - fish sticks was yesterday. This is, uh, pizza sauce.
Oh.
There! Neatly done, thereby avoiding any needless discussions about -
(Wayne enters.)
So I heard, uh, Doug Porter got creamed at your football game today, huh?
Football? (Frowns.) Is that tackle football?
Great...now the fat was in the fire.

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(Ep 28 - "On the Spot")

(At dinner.)
I think it sounds like fun! I used to love school plays.
What are you playing? A buttercup? Ehh...
(Jack looks at the boys and chuckles.)
"Our Town." That's the one about the girl that falls in love, and then she dies...but she comes back for one last visit to see her family? (Smiles.)
Mom. "Our Town"...is an indictment...of the meaninglessness of bourgeois middle-class existence. (Nods.)
Oh.
How much is it gonna cost me?
Dad, as always, had his own perspective on the arts.
Jack.
Just askin'. (Gestures.)
Who else is in it?
Uh, no one. Except...Winnie.
Well, then - we have to go! (Smiles.)
Hah? (Frowns.)
Oh, nice goin', butthead! (Frowns.)
Look, Mom, it's really not -
Kevin, get tickets for all of us! (Smiles.)
(Jack looks at Kevin and frowns, then rips his roll apart.)

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(Ep 30 - "The Family Car")

(The boys are "helping" Jack fix the car. The neighbor pulls up in a new car.)
Boy, it'd sure be cool to have one of those, hah?

*
(In the kitchen after the car "died" on Norma.)
You've been putting so much time and effort into that car...
I'll take a look at it. (Nods.)
It's just that it's...becoming so unreliable, Jack. Especially now that Wayne and Karen are driving...it's getting so much use. Maybe it's time we started looking for a new car.
OK. (Nods.) We'll look.
Yes. (Smiles.)
Yes! (Smiles.)
Cool. (Nods.)

*
(At the car dealership, the Arnold's are watching Jack and the salesman "deal" in the office.)
What are they saying?
Look! He's smiling, he's actually smiling!
Oh, please - oh, please!
(Jack looks at the the salesman's offer and frowns. The kids sigh and frown.)
Oh!
Alright. Dad always says never take the first offer.
What about a second offer?
(Jack looks at the second offer and smiles. Wayne pats Kevin on the shoulder.)
Yes! Dad had actually done it! We were going home in a brand-new Mustang convertible! Maybe we could blow past Craig Hobson's house and cut a few donuts in his front yard. It was the kind of night where anything could happen.
(Jack looks at the salesman's notepad in shock.)
And then it did.
(Jack mouths "Two hundred fifty dollars?!")
What's he asking? (Frowns.) What is it?! What's happening?!
(Jack throws his hands up and hurries out of the office.)
Honey?
I don't want to talk about it! We're leaving!
(The kids start to squawk. Norma gestures.)
Just do what he says.
(Everyone follows Jack off-screen.)
Dad...
*
(At dinner.)
I have an idea. How about if we all go in there car and get some ice-cream? Come, on. We'll all pile in and take a drive - how long's it been since we've done that?
Dad, are you gonna sell the car or not?
Wayne!
Of course I am. It just takes a little time. Matter of fact, I've been thinking - maybe should change the ad in the paper.

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(Ep 31 - "The Pimple")

(At dinner, Norma is looking at a letter.)
Oh, my Lord - they're coming to visit! (Smiles.)
Who?
The Pruitt's. Phil and Claire. They're gonna be in town next week! It's been eight years.
Actually, it had been nine years.
(Kevin frowns as Wayne smiles at him.)
I remembered the occasion quite distinctly. It was something I'd just as well have forgotten.
Kevin, you remember little Gina, don't you? (Smiles.)
Not that anyone was gonna let me.
(Wayne rubs his hand through Kevin's hair, and leans closer.)
Gina...Gina...
*
(Kevin has gotten a zit. Now, he's in the kitchen with Norma as Wayne enters.)
Uh-oh.
What's with you?
(Wayne passes Kevin and gets some oatmeal.)
Nothing.
I couldn't believe it - Wayne missed it! I was in the clear!
(Karen enters.)
Whoa - check out the zit. (Smiles.)
A zit?
(Wayne turns around. Kevin hangs his head.)
Well...(smiles)...let's have a look-see, shall we?
As usual, I could count on my family to treat my private adolescent pain with compassion.
Looks pretty deep, Kev. (Smiles.) We might have to...(frowns and gestures)...operate! (Laughs.)
*
(Noerma has just told Kevin the Pruitt's will arrive in two days.)
Two days? Oh, gee - that's perfect. She'll be here just in time. (Smiles.)
In time for what?
Never mind. (Frowns.)
Aw, Kev. (Smiles.) It won't be so bad. after the first few hours, you probably won't even notice all the...(gestures)...pointing and whispering. (Laughs.) Oh, Gina! Oh, Gina! (Exits.)
*
(At Paul's suggestion, Kevin tried steaming his face in lemon-water, with no success.)
So much for taking advice from a rank amateur. It was time to enlist the help...of a pro.
(Kevin is looking in the bedroom mirror.)
Go for it!
Ya think so?
That's what I would do. (Nods.)
Think what ya like, Wayne was a seasoned veteran on this turf.
Squeeze it!
I don't know...(Frowns.)
It's the only way to get rid of it.
(Wayne circles behind Kevin.)
Unless...it makes it about...ten times bigger. But then again, it could just go away by tomorrow.
(Wayne taps Kevin's elbow and walks across the room.)
Or...No - the chances of that...(gestures)...happening are really remote.
Or, what?
Well, it could get infected and go directly to your brain.
Wayne! (Frowns.)
Hey - if you don't want my help, that's fine. I'm sure you're gonna figure it out by yourself.
(Wayne starts to exit.)
Wait. (Frowns.)
(Wayne turns and smiles. Cut to the bathroom as Wayne slowly opens a drawer of bottles and tubes.)
Wayne's drawer. The toxic wasteland of the Arnold bathroom.
(Sound of a Geiger counter as Wayne picks up a tube and smiles.)
It made ya wonder if the Atomic Energy Commission knew about this.
Here it is. Don't ever say I didn't do anything for you.
Sure - I was suspicious. But maybe Wayne finally saw a little of himself in his younger brother. Maybe he'd been down this hellish road himself and understood the seriousness of the situation.
Give me a buck.
Or, maybe he needed a buck.
What?!
Take it or leave it. (Smiles.)
What could I say? These were desperate times.

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(Ep 33 - "Rock-n-Roll")

That Friday night, I actually felt relieved. Or, so I told myself.
Don't you want some cookies, honey.
No, thanks.
I mean, playing in Larry's garage was one thing, but...risking my reputation? That was just...dumb.
So, Kev...I heard you quit the old Electric Shoes, eh? Thinkin' about...goin' solo? (Smiles.)
You're not playing in the band, anymore?
No, mom!
Oh...that's too bad.
Yeah? I was kinda looking forward to watching you crash and burn.
Oh, hah-hah! (Frowns.)

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(Ep 35 - "The Powers That Be")

(Grampa Arnold has arrived.)
Oh...Wayne. (Blows whistle) Remember this?
No...
Oh, sure you do...used to play with it all the time, when we were in that old house. You'd take it out into the yard, and you'd say "fly away birdies, I'm comin' to get ya..." (Blows whistle.)
O-kay...
Wayne...thank Grampa for the gift!
Oh, yeah, thanks, I'm gonna go test it right now.

*
(Everyone is at the dinner table, after Jack and Albert argued earlier.)
Did you, uh...did you put pepper in these spuds?
Oh, Albert! I'm so sorry - I forgot.
Forgot what?
Gas. Pepper gives me gas.
(Wayne laughs, Kevin smacks him.)
Oh, maybe you'd like some corn instead?
No...I think not. Corn sticks in my teeth.
Well I'm going shopping tomorrow - maybe I can pick you up some things.
Don't you be foolish, Norma. You buy everything the same way you always do.
Sure...spend another day cooking a meal he won't eat. (Frowns.)
Grampa, why don't you try some biscuits - they should be easy to digest.
He can't eat biscuits. Right, Dad?
I can't...
Tell 'em why not.
The starch.
Too much starch, Norma. (Frowns.)
Um, Mom, I've got a...date. (Exits.)
Yeah, me too.
(Wayne follows Karen out.)

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(Ep 36 - "She, My Friend, and I")

(Kevin and Delores are on the couch watching "Mr. Ed".)
Look at the way he moves his lips - it's disgusting. Totally unbelievable! He water skis in this one.
(She shakes her head, and works her gum around.)
Delores - do you mind? (Gestures.)
(Delores grabs her gum. Wayne approaches from the kitchen with two bottles of soda.)
Yep. Nothin' like an afternoon with Wayne's girlfriend to clear the cobwebs.
(Wayne sits next to Delores and hands her a bottle.)
Did I miss anything?
Ed's got a plan.
(She works her gum around, then smacks it.)
Do you have to do that? (Frowns.)
What's the matter with him?
He's just havin' a bad day.
Aw...what's the matter, Kev? (Nods.) Something wrong in Kevieland?
None of your business, butthead! (Frowns.)
My, my! Strong words! This wouldn't by chance have anything to do with a certain best friend, would it? And a certain ex-best girl? (Smiles.)
Who told you that?
Oh, news gets around.
(Wayne leans back and smiles.)
Lisa saw 'em at Winky's havin' a soda.
Great. My private hell was now a matter of public record.
I must say - I'm not surprised.
What's that supposed to mean.
Nothing. Except I saw it coming. From a mile away.
(Wayne smiles and puts his arm around Delores, then presses his cheek against hers. She frowns.)
I wonder if he takes his glasses off when they make out? (Smiles.)
(Delores sighs and pushes Wayne back.)
I'm tryin' to watch...
Look, Wayne - I don't have to take this! (Frowns.)
Sorry, sorry.
(Wayne looks down somberly, then looks at Kevin and smiles.)
Gotta hand it to old Pfeif, though - he's a sneaky one.
(Wayne laughs a little, then sips his soda.)
Aw, what did Wayne know? Paul wasn't a sneak.
(Delores pulls out a string of gum, winding it around her finger. Wayne frowns and watches.)
Besides, I was the one who set 'em up!
(Kevin frowns and looks toward the TV.)
Or was I?
-WILBUR: Ed, what's the matter?
-MR. ED: Is Kevin blind, Wilbur? Can't he see what Paul and Winnie are up to?
(Kevin frowns.)

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(Ep 40 - "Night Out")

(Wayne is at the refrigerator. Kevin is doing homework at the table.)
Robbie Hudson's?
Uh-oh.
You got invited to a...Robbie Hudson party?
Wayne!
Who's Robbie Hudson?
"Who's Robbie Hudson?" Well, let's see, uh, how to put this...
He's no-one. He's just a guy in school - a ninth-grader.
Oh, well...that's nice! And he's having a party?
Yeah, Friday night. And I need a ride, alright?
We wouldn't by any chance be taking little Win-nie, would we?
Wayne!
Of course he's taking Winnie. They're a couple. Right honey?
Little did she know.
I'm sure we can arrange something.
(Norma winks at Kevin and exits.)
So. You sure you're up for this?
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing. Just want to be absolutely certain...you know what your getting into.
Oh, come on, Wayne, it's just a party.
Of course.
(Kevin smiles and resumes his homework.)
Of course. Just a party!
(Wayne puts the milk away, then slowly approaches Kevin.)
Still, there was that guy last year. He went down into Hudson's basement...didn't know how to French kiss.
("Jaws"-like music plays.)
Got the breathing all wrong! Uhhhhhhhhhh! Suffocated. But I'm sure you'll have better luck! Hahahahah!
*
(In Kevin's room after the party. Kevin is moping on his bed as Wayne bursts in.)
So! How'd it go?
What?
The party. Aren't you home...just a smidge early?
Uh? I guess it was...kinda...boring.
"Boring"? Do tell. That doesn't sound like Robbie Hudson.
Wayne, just butt out! Will ya?
I'd like to, scrote. I'd really would. However, being your older brother, I've certain responsibilites.
Like what?!
Hickey check. The doctor's in!
(Wayne smiles, and hops on Kevin.)
Get off, I'm gonna tell Mom. Wayne! Wayne! Wayne, you're sick, you know that?!
(Wayne holds Kevin's head over, then hops up. Kevin sits up.)
Yeah, not a mark. I knew it.
You don't know anything.
Now, now. Come on, don't be so sensitive, Kev. I mean, it's not the end of the world, is it?
(Kevin sighs. Wayne walks toward the door.)
Think of it this way, uh - you and the Coopster can always be...(gestures)...good friends. Hahahah! Oooh-ooh! Heheheheh...(Exits.)

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(Ep 41 - "Faith")

(Evening in the livingroom.)
What's that?
Nothing.
Which was true. I'd been staring at that page for an hour-and-a-half without coming up with a single word. Some kind of writer's block, I guess.
An obituary? Oh, lemme see...(gestures)...maybe I can help.
Wayne...
Let's see...
(Wayne gestures, and Kevin looks forward and sighs.)
"Kevin Arnold."
(Wayne looks at Kevin.)
"Born a butthead. Lived a butthead's life."
(Wayne looks off and squints.)
"Died..."
(Wayne looks at Kevin.)
"A butthead!" (Frowns.) Did ya get any of that down?
Wayne! Stop teasing Kevin. Your father's trying to watch the news.
Mom was serious. Every year, the night before he paid his taxes, my father had a ritual of watching the news. We figured it made him feel better to know that others were suffering.
(The TV shows an astronaut in the capsule.)
Astronaut John Swigert today joked he'd forgotten to file his Federal income tax returns. Manned-spacecraft Center officials assured him...he'd get an extension.
(Jack frowns, nods and growls.)
Oh, abandon couch.
(Wayne stands on the couch and hops over the back of it, and exits to the hallway.)

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(Ep 42 - "The Unnatural")

(Evening in the kitchen. Despite many errors during practice...)
You made the cut?! (Smiles.)
Uh-huh...
Uh-huh.
I'd made the first cut. Never mind I had no idea why.
I didn't know they had tryouts for batboys. (Gestures.)
Hey...
(Wayne smiles and swings an imaginary bat.)
Knock it off. Your brother did good out there today. (Nods.)

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(Ep 45 - "Daddy's Little Girl")

(Kevin and Wayne are in their bedroom as Karen and Jack argue in the livingroom.)
Think it's safe to go out?
I wouldn't. Unless you want to clean out the downspouts.
Sound reasoning. It seemed like every time Dad and Karen passed each other in the hall...it meant -
(Knock on the door.)
Boys...
More slave labor.
Dad - I raked the leaves.
I straightened out the garage.
I walked the dog.
Oh.
There. We'd stumped him. Not a chore left unchored.
In that case - come on.
Uh-oh. This did not bode well. If Dad couldn't make us work...he was gonna make us play.
*
(At the driving range.)
Maybe we oughta get you guys a starter set.
Oh, no thanks! (Frowns.)
(Kevin pushes Wayne on the shoulder.)
Shut up!
A small price to pay for a little good cheer.
Matter of fact, maybe we'll come again. Maybe bring your mom, maybe your sis.
(Wayne laughs.)
Karen?
(Wayne waggles his fingers next to his head.)
Space-girl playin' golf? (Laughs.)
Hey...leave you sister alone. (Nods.) She's not so bad. She means well.
*
(Kevin is looking at a comic book and Wayne is looking at a Playboy magazine in their bedroom. Sound of slamming doors.)
I guess you could say my sister's eighteenth birthday started off with a bang.
(Sound of slamming doors again.)
Still, there was a bright side to the war between Dad and Karen. It had brought my brother and me...
What are you looking at?
Closer together.
Nothing. (Frowns.)
Well, look somewhere else. (Frowns.)
Hey, this is a free country. (Frowns.)
Get lost, will ya scrote?
I can't get lost. (Shrugs.)
Butthead!
Dork!
We were kinda like rats in a laboratory experiment.
(Kevin walks across the room.)
And the worst thing was...
(Kevin opens the door. Jack turns toward them. Kevin closes the door.)
There was no way out.
(Wayne flips out the centerfold.)
Oh...
On the other hand...
(Kevin opens the door again.)
Maybe it was time to deal with this thing.
(Jack sighs and sits on the couch.)
Oh!
Anything was better than spending the morning with Wayne and Miss May.

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11/21/14 18:11