Wayne



(Ep 46 - "Moving")

After seventeen years of cleaning out gutters, plugging leaks, and patching roofs...my father had developed a philosophical view about residential living.
I oughta sell this dump.
Not that we didn't take him seriously.
Have some coffee, Jack. (Smiles.)
Nope, the best thing to do when Dad was talking real estate...was...change the subject.
Dad? Can I have a raise in my allowance?
That was one way.
Hey, you know how the babes are when it's summer - "Take me here, give me this, give me that..."
Get a job.
What?
You heard me. You want money? Make it.
Well how come she's not getting a job?
She's got other things to do. She's busy with her graduation.
Hhhhhh...
Nice play, Shakespeare.
Eat it, dork.
*
A waiter?
Well, at least I wasn't the only one who was suffering.
Wayne, your father went through a lot of trouble to find you this job.
I don't get it. I mean, what did I ever do to him?
What's your job - to scare away the customers?
Kevin...
One more word and you die, butthead.
*
The Cooper's thought it was best if Winnie told you. They're not moving far, honey. Just a few miles.
Oh.
You know what the best part is? The Coopster's going to a different school next year...across town. Looks like bye-bye, butthead.
*
Don't worry, scrote. I'm sure she'll send you a postcard. Hehhhhh.

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(Ep 47 - "Growing Up")

(Kevin and Winnie are smiling at each other.)
Yep, these were golden moments - in a golden summer. When every day was perfect, and you knew it would go on forever.
(Sound of a loud car backfire. Cut to shot of the bumper and headlight of Wayne's car as it careens up the street.)
Except of course, at my own house.
(The car belches smoke as Wayne approaches the house. Jack stands near his car in the driveway. Close shot of the bumper of Jack's car as Wayne's car squeals to a stop 6 inches from it. Wayne smiles as he sets the parking brake. Jack frowns.)
Dammit, Wayne! The hell ya think you're doin'?
(Wayne stands up in his car, which emits a loud shuddering backfire.)
Driving? (Gestures.)
Driving where?! The graveyard?!
At the Arnold house, the dog days had set in early.
The way you're drivin' makes me nuts!
(Cut to the kitchen. Jack enters, holding his briefcase, with his jacket draped over it.)
Honey?
I don't want to talk about it...
(Norma hands Jack a drink as he keeps walking. Karen is thumbing though a college catalog.)
Hey, Dad?
I don't want to hear about it...
(Wayne enters, looking down.)
What happened?
Beats me.
This much was clear. My family wasn't getting along.
(Karen and Wayne are at an open cabinet.)
Watch it!
You watch it!
Mom!
She's hogging the chips!
I'm not hogging them.
Even for us.
Mom - I didn't even...
(Cut to the dining room table. Shot of a girl rapidly eating mashed potatoes. Jack watches her and frowns.)
Maybe that had something to do with Wayne's new girlfriend...Angela.
More potatoes, dear?
Um, thank you, Mrs. Arnold.
For some reason...my dad seemed to resent seeing his paycheck disappear down the mouth of a total stranger. The rest of us just resented her in general.
So. I heard you and your pals were out drooling over Marsha Millany at the pool today. Heh-heh.
Or maybe it had to do with my brother.
Shut up, butthead!
(Angela continues to eat as Kevin and Wayne slap each other behind her.)
No!
Yes!
*
(Wayne has had a fender-bender with Jack's car in the picnic parking lot. Fade to clips of previous company picnics.)
There's nothin' quite as American as an office picnic. Mountains of hotdogs...buckets of soft-drinks...a chance for kids to hang out with the big guys. It makes you proud to have a family. Proud to have a dad. It makes you never want to leave.
(The final home-movie clip has the Arnold's sitting at a picnic table. The identical present-day scene is superimposed over it. Jack frowns and swats away buzzing flies. Kevin is looking around, bored, and sighs. Angela is working on corn-on-the-cob as Norma and Karen watch her.)
Can we go home now?
Honey! You haven't really given it a chance.
Well it's crowded, it's noisy...I hate it.
Well...seeya later, suckers.
Where're you goin'?
For a drive. (Shrugs.)
Hnnn...(Frowns.)
Uh...for a walk?
(Wayne taps Angela.)
Come on.
Uh-uh-uh.
(Wayne starts to walk off. Angela puts food in her mouth and joins him.)
Yeah, come on.
Somehow Mom's plan to reunite the Arnold clan wasn't exactly comin' off in a blaze of family harmony.
*
There are times in a man's life when there's only one cure for pain and humiliation - drown your sorrows in a cold one.
(A man approaches and takes a beer from Kevin.)
Thanks, kid!
This, however, was...not one of those times.
(Kevin gets another beer, as Wayne approaches.)
Out of my way, butthead.
(Wayne walks back to Angela, who is talking to a guy.)
Excuse me. Excuse me.
*
Wayne?
(Wayne glances at Kevin, then away. Long pause.)
Where's Angela?
Shut up, butthead.
Which I guess, was Wayne's way of saying he'd been dumped.
I can't believe it.
I'm sorry.
Eat it. I don't get it - what did I do?
Well, you -
You shut up, OK?
OK...
Nobody liked her anyway.
The aweful thing was it was true.
Why do these things always happen to me?
Maybe it was the cry of every kid who'd ever put on long pants. Who'd ever had his heart-broken - who'd ever been disappointed. In any event...
I know what you mean. (Smiles.)
(Wayne frowns at Kevin, then smiles.)
For that one moment, I actually felt..close...to my brother.
(Jack approaches, accompanied by thunder and lightning.)
I'm outta here!
(Wayne runs off past Jack.)

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(Ep 49 - "The Journey")

(Kevin, Doug and others are in a tent as Wayne approaches.)
Look out!
Wah!
(Wayne collapses the tent. Paul emerges and stands up. Kevin is on his back, struggling to get up as Wayne holds him down.)
Well, well, well. What do we have here? A rabbit? A fox? Why, no - it's a Kevie! (Smiles.)
Wayne, get off you butthead!
Can't do it. (Smiles.)
(Randy and others step forward.)
Get off him.
Back off! One move and he dies. (Frowns.)
Wayne!
Lucky thing for you girls, and I just happened to be strolling by. Seems I overheard something about a...slumber party?
(Wayne sees the bottles of beer and frowns.)
Oh, and beer?
Wayne, leave 'em alone.
(Wayne picks up the beer.)
Oh, well, these of course...will have to be destroyed.
Oh, no...
Let's see...anything else? Ah, yes...(frowns)...the address. (Nods.)
You're crazy.
(Wayne begins to pummel Kevin.)
Go ahead - I'm not gonna tell ya anything. Wayne!
It was a desperate moment. Still, lying there...
Let me go!
Ground into the mud...
Wayne!
I understood for the first time...what the guys had been telling me all along.
Get off!
That some things were worth fighting for. No matter how stupid.
Don't do it - I'll tell you! It's seven twenty Goodman avenue!
Ugh!
Thanks, Mr. Pfeiffer. (Smiles.) Gentlemen...(Frowns.) Better not see you at the party. (Frowns.)
(Wayne pushes Kevin's face, then laughs and exits.)

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(Ep 50 - "Cost of Living")

(Jack reaches for his wallet, pulls it out and slaps it down. He looks forward and sighs.)
Allowance!
There's the word. "Allowance".
(Jack slides out a bill and holds it out for Wayne.)
One...
The lifeblood of adolescence.
Two...
(Wayne gestures with his finger.)
Three...
The fine line between expectation...
Four.
And reality.
Four bucks? (Frowns.) Again?
Not to imply that we weren't grateful for Dad's largesse. We just...weren't.
Come on, Dad, give me a break, here. I gotta live, ya know, eh - gas, girls...(Gestures.)
But when it came to taking pity on our financial lifestyles...Dad was impervious.
Ya know what the problem with you boys is? (Frowns.)
Uh-oh.
(Sound of a snapping bull-whip.)
You don't understand the value of a dollar.
(Some "Lost in the Desert" - type music plays and the camera is very close on Jack's mouth.)
When I was you're age...(nods)...I had to walk to school! Thirty miles! Blizzards! Outdoor plumbing!
Under a barrage of this magnitude...resistance was futile.
(Music stops.)
Four beans? (Gestures.) I can't believe this. (Exits.)

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(Ep 51 - "It's a Mad, Mad, Madeline World")

(Kevin is opening the box holding the replacement bracelet he just had engraved.)
And finally things were back to normal. Sure, I made a few missteps. But now everything was gonna be fine. I acted in the nick of time. Covered my tracks. Reclaimed the good name of...
(Kevin looks at the name engraved on the bracelet: "KEVIN AMOLD".)
Kevin Amold?! A fungus in the Petri dish of life.
Oh my gosh!
I'd fallen victim to a fatal combination - poor penmanship, haste and a nearsighted jeweler.
Oh my gosh!
(Wayne's hand grabs the bracelet away from Kevin.)
Kevin Amold? Eehhhhh...
(Wayne falls on his back and laughs hysterically.)
Kevin Amold!
(He hands the bracelet back to Kevin.)

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(Ep 53 - "The Ties That Bind")

Corn or carrots, honey?
Whatever.
By nineteen-seventy...my parents had elevated "providing" into something close to an art-form.
Guess we dip into the Christmas club again.
Dad was the maestro of payment plans. Mom was a virtuoso with vegetables.
Broccoli.
You had to hand it to 'em...they were good at what they did. Of course, it was all for a good reason.
Hey!
(At the dining table, Wayne holds up an empty plate.)
Their three beautiful children.
Are we going to eat here, or what?
With all the rights and privileges therof. Not that we took the folks for granted. It's just with Thanksgiving coming...we had certain...needs.
Daddy? When I go back from break, I-I'm gonna need money for a few things. OK?
Like what?
Some books...(nods)...some art supplies...(nods). A yoga mat.
(Wayne has two celery sticks tucked into his upper lip and hanging down like snake fangs.)
A yoga...mat?
What the hell d'ya need a yoga mat for?
Yoga.
And no matter how ridiculous those needs were...we knew somehow...they'd come through for us.
We'll work it out, honey!
Thanks!
(Kevin and Wayne turn to Jack and speak simultaneously.)
I need a new stereo.
I need a new baseball glove.
Hnnnn.
(Wayne grabs Kevin's shirt.)
Back of the line, butthead.
Hey, I asked him first.
I need a new stereo.
(They continue to argue.)
*
Poor Mom. All she really wanted was a working stove so that she could take care of her family. And poor Dad. All he wanted was to provide Mom with a working stove so that she could take care of her family.
Olive loaf?
And poor us. All we wanted was something besides cold-cuts for dinner. Seemed like it was time to explore the alternatives.
Jack...I was checking the paper today, and...Montgomery Wards is having a sale on appliances.
How much would a new stove set us back?
Only about two-hundred and fity dollars.
Don't say "only"...and "two-hundred and fifty dollars" in the same breath, Norma.
Gee. How do they get the little ugly green olives in there?
*
(Jack is dressed up in preparation of asking for a raise at work.)
After all, Dad was the great provider.
Whoa! Check it out!
Fully supported by his providees.
Wow. Dad, you look great!
What happened? Somebody kick the bucket, heh-heh?
(Norma appraches Jack.)
Jack?
Oh, hunh.
Oh, Jack, are you sure you want to wear that tie?
What's wrong with this tie?
Jack...
It worked for me once. Maybe it'll do it again. Wish me luck?
It was nice seeing my parents like this.
Good luck, honey.
Doin' what they had to do. For the family.
Bye, bye!
I guess we were all kinda caught up in the moment.
(Kevin put his hands on Karen and Wayne's shoulders.)
Hands off, scrote.
OK, so you'll just have to take my word for it.
*
(Jack has gotten a raise, but must leave on a business trip.)
But hey, it's for the best, right?
Of course, honey.
And maybe it was. Mom looked happy.
Hefty raise, Dad?
Not too shabby...
(Jack and Wayne begin to playfully box each other.)
And Dad finally had the recognition he deserved.
(Jack pulls Karen in front of himself.)
Protect you father...
Oh, get out of the way.
Oh, right...
*
(Jack hurriedly gathers his things, and is leaving to get the waiting taxi.)
So, uh...that's it, then, huh? OK, you kids...you better take care of your mother now, huh?
Goodbye, Dad.
(Jack turns to Norma.)
Oh, yeah...why don't you go ahead and buy that new stove.
(Jack looks at Kevin.)
Take care huh?
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Dad.
Bye.
(Jack and Norma approach the taxi in the driveway.)
It was a romantic as some old movie on the late show.
(Jack gets in and Norma closes the door after him.)
Well, as romantic as my parents got, anyway.
*
Pot pies! These took no time at all in the new stove.
And let's not forget to mention that new stove!
(Wayne pokes his pot pie with a fork.)
Uh, Mom? (Frowns.) Don't ya think these are a little underdone, in the middle?
Yeah. Mine's still frozen, too.
Must be that new timer. I'll have your father take a look at it when he gets back.
*
Well, one thing was clear. Between Dad's new job and Mom's new stove...this holiday was going to the dogs. That night, I thought a little family reconnaisance might be in order.
(Kevin is brushing his teeth as Wayne enters.)
Wayne?
What?
Can I ask you something?
The answer's "no".
No, really. Have you noticed anything...funny, about the way Mom's been acting? It's kinda like...things are weird around here. You know?
(Wayne looks thoughtful.)
And for a moment...I knew I wasn't alone. Wayne actually understood.
You know...you've got a big glob of toothpaste right there on your nose.
(Kevin looks in the mirror. Wayne laughs and switches off the light as he exits.)
*
Mom? Who's gonna carve?
I don't know...(Frowns.)
(Norma sets her apron on the table, and exits.)
Nice goin', butthead!

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(Ep 54 - "The Sixth Man")

I tried to study for my American history test that evening. But somehow, I just couldn't concentrate.
(Kevin rubs the back of his neck and turns around.)
Maybe there as a reason.

(Wayne sits on his bed and flicks popcorn toward Kevin.)
Butthead at three o'clock. Launch missile.
Wayne - knock it off, will ya?! (Frowns.) I'm tryin' to study!
(Wayne continues.)
Wayne!
(Wayne sets the popcorn down.)
What's the matter, little brother? You seem...(gestures)...troubled. You want to talk about it?
No.
I understand. (Smiles.) Some things...(gestures)...just too deep for words. (Nods.)
And even though I knew I should let the matter drop...
What do you mean by that?
You think I'm made out of stone?
(Wayne stands near the foot of the bed.)
Hey, I live around here. I see things. It's Paul, isn't it? (Frowns.) I mean...(shrugs)...you carry the guy on your back for fourteen years, and...now, he doesn't need you anymore. (Frowns) Ungrateful twerp. But, uh, don't let it get to you. I mean...the guys always been a loser, right? (Nods.)
It was...horrible. I one fell swoop...my neanderthal brother had looked into my innermost feelings. And it wasn't a pretty sight.
He's not a loser, Wayne. (Frowns.)
Sure he is. (Frowns.) You know it, and I know it. If he walks like a duck...if he talks like a duck...then it must be the Pfeiffster. (Laughs.)
But suddenly, I knew it wasn't true...not any more. And at that moment, I knew what I had to do.
(Kevin stands up and pushes wayne onto the bed. Wayne grabs Kevin and throws him on the bed and starts hitting him.)
Wayne! Think about it!

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(Ep 58 - "Denial")

(Kevin is dialing the phone in the kitchen. Wayne's hand and arm reaches in and presses the button to cut off Kevin's call. Kevin is surprised and turns around.)
Don't do it.
What?
You're going to call her, right, hmm?
Darn! I'd been picked up on my brother's misery antenna.
I wasn't going to call her.
Good. Because it's a "losers" move.
(Wayne gives Kevin a dumb look and shakes his head, then starts to walk to refrigerator.)
Course, Wayne had been dumped by every girl in the tri-county area...so he did speak with a certain authority.
OK, then what should I do?
(Wayne gestures with the milk container.)
You keep your distance...
Uh-huh.
You make her suffer...
Uh-huh.
Otherwise, you're just some road kill on the side of the highway, waiting to get run over a second time. (Frowns.)
Wayne, this is none of your business. (Frowns.)
Fine! Do what you want.
(Wayne backs up a few steps, then points his finger at Kevin.)
But if you do call her back, may as well hang a billboard up saying "Winnie, come back, please." Better yet, maybe you should throw a party for her.
(Wayne smiles, then makes a face.)
Uh-hhehhe.
Huh. Talk about stupid!
(Wayne walks away, pauses to laugh at Kevin again, then exits.)

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(Ep 59 - "Who's Aunt Rose?")

(At dinner.)
Wayne, don't forget the trash - tomorrow's Tuesday.
Hey, it's Kevin's turn. (Frowns.)
No, it's not!
Just...do it.
Our lives were made up of little moments...
More scalloped potatoes, honey?
All delicately intertwined.
Oh, thanks mom.
(Norma looks at Jack.)
Karen called today.
How much?
Just...thirty-five dollars till the end of the month. (Frowns.)
Send her a check.
(Kevin and Wayne reach for a roll. Wayne grabs it, and they look at each other.)
Hey, that's mine! (Frowns.)
Not anymore, angleface.
(Wayne smiles exxageratedly, and holds up the roll. Kevin reaches for it and Wayne pulls it back - twice.)
Wayne...give your brother the roll.
(Wayne hesitates, then quickly licks the roll and hands it to Kevin. Kevin frowns and sets it on his plate.)
*
(Albert, Wayne, and Kevin are sitting on Kevin's bed looking at a photographs.)
Actually, she wasn't you aunt. She was, uh...(gestures.)...well, she was my first-cousin.
(Kevin yawns sleepily.)
By ten o'clock that night, I was sorry I asked.
Look at that. You know where that was taken?
No...why don't you tell us Grandpa.
That was up at the lake house.
Nice bathing suit.
Yeah, well...that's what they looked like in those days, Wayne.
*
(At the church.)
Hey! I'll bet I missed a few birthdays in there somewhere...
(Lloyd holds up a money-clip of folded bills, and slides a $20 out.)
I don't have any change...You can split this up, can't you?
Hell-o, 'Cous!
Sure...
(Wayne nods and smiles slightly.)
You bet! (Smiles.) Thanks!
No problem...(Smiles.) Get yourself somethin' real nice. OK?
*
(Kevin and Wayne are looking in the casket.)
As we stood there...face-to-face with mortality...it's hard to describe the emotions that swelled within us.
Give me the money! (Frowns.)
What?! (Frowns.)
Half of it's mine - I'll get the change.
Wrong...I'll get the change. (Nods.)
OK - fine. I trust you.
(Wayne reaches into Kevin's pocket and snatches the money. Kevin grabs it back. Wayne grabs it again and smiles. Kevin reaches for it again, and it falls out of Wayne's hand onto the camera.)
In the presence of death...mere words often seem...inadequate.
Go on, get it.
No way! (Frowns.)
(Wayne grabs him by the lapel.)
I said...get it! (Frowns.)
Why don't you get it?
I don't think so.
Sure - it was only about eighteen inches or so, but in the greater scheme of things...that twenty-dollar bill was from here to eternity.
*
(In the restroom, Wayne sticks some gum on the end of the string.)
Alright...we walk up to the casket...
(Wayne looks at Kevin and points.)
You keep a look out...
(Wayne smiles and jerks his thumb at himself.)
And I'll take care of the rest. You got it?
Are you sure we should do this?
What's the matter...(frowns)...ya chicken?
No, I'm not chicken.
Well, then you gotta help me.
No, I don't!
Yes, you do! (Gestures.) You dropped it!
I didn't drop it!
Yes you did drop it!
No, I didn't drop it!
(Kevin and Wayne scuffle against the sinks, as Albert walks in and pauses.)
It's twenty bucks!
I reached for your hand and you...
Hey! Hey! Hey! What's goin' on? (Frowns.)
Nothing, Grandpa.
Well, cut it out! (Frowns.) This is a funeral - not a fist-fight. Now, where's your dad?
We don't know. (Shrugs.)
It's time to drive to the cemetery. (Frowns.) Besides, he's already missed the coffin-closing. (Gestures.)
*
(On the road to the funeral.)
But while Gramps and Dad chewed the fat in the front seat...where I sat...I had problems of my own.
(Wayne hits Kevin on the shoulder.)
Hey! Cut it out! (Frowns.)
Oh, sure - after I hit you once...(gestures)...for every dollar you lost.
Hey, I didn't lose it!
(Wayne starts hitting Kevin. Wayne pauses and smiles.)
Ooh - lost count. I better start over again. (Smiles.)
Wayne! Kevin! Stop it!
Alright - I told you boys!
*
(Kevin resumed hitting Wayne. Albert kicked them out of the car.)
And there ya had it. Stranded in the middle of nowhere...with nothing to show for it but a clean suit.
(A dirt clod hits Kevin on his shoulder.)
Ow!
(Wayne is across the road, pointing at Kevin.)
First - you lose my money!
(Wayne bends down and picks up a dirt clod.)
And now this, butthead!
(Wayne throws it at Kevin.)
You idiot! (Frowns.)
(Kevin throws a dirt clod. Wayne dances out of the way, then gestures.)
Whoa! Jerk!
Moron!
(Wayne throws a dirt clod.)
Dorkface!
(Wayne frowns, then starts to walk along the side of the road.)
Where are you goin'?
I'm walkin'!
Grief wears a lot of faces. Some people cry...some people hand out money...others throw dirt clods. And for the first time that day...
Hey, wait up!
I was starting to feel a little grief of my own.
Jerk!
(Wayne and Kevin throw more dirt clods.)
Idiot!
Scrote!
*
(Albert has just given his speech.)
I guess that's when I understood what my grandfather had been trying to explain to me. That my life was bigger than the little neighborhood I lived in. And that these strangers who surrounded me weren't just relatives...they were my family. And the death of one...affected each of us in some way.
(Wayne is about to cry. Wayne turns to Kevin and shrugs.)
Hey! It's twenty bucks...
(Wayne looks down and wipes his eye.)

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(Ep 60 - "Courage")

(In the basement. Kevin is arguing with Doug, Tommy and Paul about who is gonna get Mr. Gardenia with a whoopee-cushion.)
OK - I'll do it! But you guys have to do it next time.
Yeah!
Alright!
You guys are completely idiotic.
Maybe so. But I wasn't the kind of guy to shrink from a challenge. I was a man of action.
(Wayne descends the stairs.)
Hey, butthead! (Frowns.)
A man with a brother.
Hasenfuss called.
A man who got phone calls from his dental hygienist.
She did? What'd she say? (Smiles.)
What do I look like - your secretary? (Gestures.) She said she wanted to see you this afternoon.
Now, since I wasn't due for a check-up for another six months, this could mean only one thing...
(Wayne sits down between Tommy and Paul on the whoopee-cushion - Pfffffft! Everyone giggles. Wayne smirks, then looks at Tommy and elbows Paul.)
*
(In the kitchen.)
But it wasn't Dr. Tucker I was worried about. It was looking like a craven coward in front of Miss Hasenfuss. It was time to seek help. From the Grand Poo-Bah of tooth decay himself.
Wayne, you go to Doctor Tucker a lot, don't you?
None of your business.
Well, when you do, and he, well, you know, when he...fills a cavity? (Frowns.) Does it hurt much?
Nah...He gives you Novocain.
Of course - Novocain.
And that works?
Sure...you don't feel a thing. (Smiles.)
(Kevin smiles and looks at his book. Wayne gestures with his soda.)
Once you get passed that needle.(Grimaces.) Ooh.
What needle?
(Wayne sips his soda, then points at Kevin.)
The big one. 'Bout the size of a telephone pole. See, he jams the thing right...(points)...into your gums. Then all you hear is sounds...Crunch - crack - zhhh-zhhh-zhhh! Then you feel tooth fragments flyin' everywhere. Oh, and then there's that unbelievable smell. Gotta be sure you don't gag or somethin'. But other than that...it's a piece of cake.

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(Ep 61 - "Buster")

It's just...when it came to Buster, the rest of the family preferred a less...hands on role.
What's wrong with 'em?
Isn't he hungry?
Maybe he has fleas.
Oh, not fleas...honey, they'll get in the carpet.
Kevin, haven't you been sprayin' 'em?
Dad, he doesn't have fleas.
Well, then...take him for a walk.
Why me? Why can't he do it?
Because he's your dog. Gramp gave him to you. Hah!
*
He ate my shoes.
Are you sure?
Ya, I'm sure.
No...are ya, are you sure it was Buster?
Oh, come on. I mean who else would be gross enough to eat Dad's loafers, huh?
(Buster barks.)
He also mistook my closet for a fire-hydrant.
*
(Cut to Kevin's bedroom. In the basement, Buster barks. Wayne throws a pillow at Kevin.)
Hey!
OK, butthead - here's the deal. Every time your dog barks, I throw something at ya.
(Buster barks. Wayne throws something at Kevin.)
Hey! Wayne! Cut it out!
Why don't ya tell your dog to shut-up already!
*
Still, over the next few days, the problem seemed to be solved. Not a yip, not a peep - nothin'.
(Kevin smiles, and naps on the couch.)
And losing a little sleep wasn't so bad, if it kept the dogs at bay.
Oh...Kevie? Whatcha doin'?
I'm trying to take a nap. Why?
Oh, nothin'. Just thought you might want to know...Buster...
(Wayne holds up some shredded paper.)
Ate Dad's homework.
(Kevin runs into the demolished and finds Buster on the bed. Buster barks. Wayne laughs.)
Glad he's not my dog.
It was pretty clear what was gonna happen when my father found out.
Dad's not gonna take him to the vet. He's gonna take him to the pound.

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(Ep 62 - "Road Trip")

(At breakfast, Norma sees a newspaper ad for suits.)
Mom, I don't want a new suit, OK? (Frowns.)
They're open till five. And they're only an hour away.
Mom! (Frowns.)
What do you think, Jack?
Kid needs a suit...kid needs a suit.
Have fun, sucker!
(Wayne exits toward the door, laughing.)

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(Ep 63 - "When Worlds Collide")

(The guys are trying to watch TV as Norma stands in front of it.)
And...I've got some news. I was in line this morning at the A & P...and Marietta Milburn was ahead of me. She mentioned that her next-door neighbor had just quit her job, and they needed someone to fill her position. Just temporarily.
So? (Gestures.)
So, I went in. (Smiles.) It's...mostly just light typing and filing, nothing difficult...and I'd be home in plenty of time to cook dinner. (Smiles.) What do you think?
Now obviously what was required here was a show of enthusiasm. However half-hearted.
Fine with me then...(Gestures.)
Sounds great, Mom. (Smiles.)
Mom...(Frowns.) You're blocking the TV!
*
(Norma caught Kevin trying to steal a hall pass for Barbella, then was fired from work, and is late arriving home for dinner. The guys are impatiently waiting in the kitchen.)
So where is she? I'm hungry . (Gestures.)
How should I know?! (Gestures.)
That night I didn't feel up to explanations.
Something happen at school?
No! I-I mean...nothing that I know of.
I knew I was gonna be in trouble for what I'd done, but, that's not what troubled me most. Standing in that kitchen where Mom had made her family grilled-cheese sandwiches for past eighteen years, I knew that something had changed.
(Sound of Norma pulling up, and flash of headlights on Kevin's face. Kevin turns toward Jack and Wayne.)
About time...
Um-hmmm.
Dad? Wayne?
The least I could do was prepare them for the shattered soul about to walk through that door.
(Norma enters quickly, smiling.)
Hi! (Smiles.) Anybody hungry?
JACK: Uh-hnnnnn. (Smiles.)
Sorry! I lost track of time. We'll eat in twenty minutes. Just let me get this casserole in the oven. Oh! And I stopped by and picked up the crumb-cake you all love. (Smiles.)
Great...
Oh...

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(Ep 64 - "Separate Rooms")

(Home movie clips play, mostly of Wayne picking on Kevin.)
I guess you could say I had a pretty uncomplicated childhood. With one exception. My brother, Wayne. From the moment we first laid eyes in each other, we had an instinctive, natural, bond.
(Wayne swats Kevie's hand, causing Kevin to drop his ice-cream. Another clip of Wayne holding Kevie down and pounding on his shoulder with his fist.)
It was kind of touching, really. So to insure that bond would flourish and grow...my parents provided us with something. Something to keep us together through thick and thin. A room. Our room. The thing is, we actually had some pretty good times there. But looking back now, when I think of that room...
(Clip of Wayne and Kevie on Wayne's bed, fighting.)
What I remember is how big it seemed when we were little.
(Fade to present with an identical scene of Kevin and Wayne fighting.)
Wayne!
And how little it seemed when we got big.
Sorry, scrote.
Get off, butthead!
"Butthead...sir".
Wayne!
By nineteen-seventy-one...our room was beginning to seem about the size of a postage stamp.
Please?
(Wayne puts a scissors-lock around Kevin's chest.)
Say "pretty please"...
Idiot.
Get off!
(Jack approaches in the doorway, holding the ends of his untied tie.)
Eh!
(Wayne and Kevin sit up and look at Jack.)
What's goin' on here? (Frowns.)
(K & W): Nuthin'.
Try and get along, will ya? (Frowns.)
Right, Dad. (Smiles.)
(Jack frowns at them as he exits.)
But it wasn't that simple.
(Wayne reaches for a sock, then holds the back of Kevin's head and rubs the sock in his face.)
Dork! (Frowns.)
(Wayne tosses the sock at Kevin.)
Buffoon!
(Kevin tosses the sock toward Wayne. Wayne stands up.)
After fourteen years of living cheek-to-jowl...Wayne and I were drowning in a rising tide of old comic books, smelly sweat socks, and petty disputes.
(Kevin picks up an album.)
Hey! That's mine! (Frowns.)
No, it's not! (Frowns.)
Gimme that!
(Wayne reaches for the album, and they struggle for the album, which falls onto the bed. They start fighting again.)
No. No.
(Jack appears at the doorway.)
Boys?!
(K & W): Right, Dad. (Smiles.)
(Jack frowns as he backs away and turns. Wayne holds Kevin's head up by his hair.)
Don't touch my stuff.
The thing is...it wasn't our fault. We were just two guys, tryin' to get by.
(They approach the door.)
Tryin' to get...
(They bump each other and get stuck in the doorway.)
Out.
Watch it! (Frowns.)
(Wayne elbows Kevin backward.)
You watch it! (Frowns.)
(Wayne walks forward and Kevin follows. They pause in the hallway and look into Karen's room.)
Not that there wasn't a solution. Karen's room. One hundred fifty square feet of prime, unoccupied, real estate. Right next door to where we lived.
(Norma approaches behind them and squeezes past them.)
Excuse me. (Smiles.)
Just one little hitch.
Mom, what are you doing?
Just...straightening up. (Smiles.)
It isn't fair.
What, honey?
Karen's at college. I mean, she's never here. How come she gets her own room?
Yeah. What about us?
But if we were lookin' for even-handed justice...we were barkin' up the wrong mom.
Now, don't be silly. You have a room. That's the way it's always been. One room for the boys...and one...for the girls. (Smiles.)
And there ya had it.
(Cut to breakfast. Kevin is looking at Wayne, who is stirring his cereal.)
By accident of birth...we'd been doomed.
(Wayne lifts the bowl to his mouth and starts to slurp the milk.)
Do ya have to do that?
Do what?
(Norma looks toward Wayne and frowns slightly. Wayne slurps from the bowl again.)
That.
Hey, if you don't like it...(nods directionally)...then leave. (Frowns.)
Alright, I will.
But, no matter how we tried to get away from each other...
(Norma looks down and turns slightly with Kevin as he passes her.)
Something kept drawing us back.
Kevin? Are those Wayne's socks you're wearing? Ya know...now that I think of it - I may have mixed up your bureau drawers yesterday. Did you boys notice whose underwear you put on this morning? (Frowns.)
*
(Kevin, Paul and Doug are on the sidewalk as Wayne pulls up behind them.)
Hey! Butthead! (Points.) Don't touch my stuff!
(Wayne drives off. Kevin turns toward Paul.)
I still say you're lucky. Having someone to talk to....someone there to share your dreams...someone sleeping next to you at night.
(Cut to night. Wayne is snoring. Kevin is tossing and turning.)
Wayne. Wayne! Wayne!
(Wayne stirs awake.)
What?
Shut up, will ya? (Frowns.)
No, you shut up. (Frowns.)
No. You shut up. (Frowns.)
You shut up.
You shut up.
You shut up.
You shut up.
You shut up.
You shut up.
Paul's theories aside...
Why'd you wake me up?
It was pretty clear Wayne and I had reached the point-of-no-return.
(Wayne hits Kevin with a pillow.)
I don't snore.
(Wayne hits Kevin again with the pillow.)
Yes, you do. ****I am living proof!****
(Wayne hits Kevin again with the pillow.)
No, I don't.
It was time for a change.
(Kevin swings his pillow at Wayne.)
The only question was...how. And when.
Now, shut up!
(Wayne repeatedly hits Kevin with his pillow.)
*
(Karen has come to visit. Now at dinner, Jack has asked her about school, grades, and now...)
Money?
Well, that's what I want to talk to you about.
Here it came...the mid-semester bite. The freshman pinch.
How much?
Nothing. (Smiles.) I got a job.
(Wayne chokes on his milk.)
A job? (Frowns.)
You're kidding.
Job? (Nods.)
Yes, Dad - a job.
Well, that's nice, honey. (Smiles.) What kind of a job?
At the co-op. On campus for the summertime.
But I thought you were...coming home this summer.
Nope. I'm gonna be living up there. (Nods.)
(Jack and Norma frown.)
Now, let's take moment to consider what just happened here. My sister had told her family...she wouldn't be home for the summer. To my parents, that meant losing their eldest child. Their only girl. Their flesh-and-blood. But, to Wayne and me, it meant something much more immense.
(K & W): Can we have her room?
(Cut to the porch as Jack frowns and slams the door closed. The camera pulls back to reveal Wayne and Kevin standing on the porch.)
Hmmmm. Musta been something we said.
(Kevin and Wayne run around the back corner of the house and up to the kitchen window and look in. Wayne points.)
There they are.
What do you mean, you're not coming home? (Gestures.)
Look, Daddy...(Gestures.)
You could tell Karen was fighting for her freedom. But there was more than just her freedom at stake, here.
Man, I hope they'll let her go. (Frowns.)
(Jack looks toward them.)
Mom, we do have to discuss...
(Kevin and Wayne smile self-consciously. Jack frowns, then approaches the window, and pulls the blinds closed. Cut to "later". Kevin and Wayne are seated on the swing-set. Kevin holds his feet off the ground, and swings back and forth slightly.)
So, for the next hour...while our future hung in the balance...we waited.
They gotta let her go. (Frowns.)
(Cut to "later" as they play catch. Kevin tosses the ball to Wayne.)
Kinda like...expectant fathers.
(Wayne tosses the ball to Kevin.)
Think they're gonna let 'er go?
(Kevin catches the ball, then throws it back. Cut to "later" as they play basketball. Wayne dribbles the ball and shoots a lay-up. Kevin gets the ball and dribbles.)
The funny thing is, we actually had...fun.
(Kevin shoots a short jumper.)
Hanging out...being together.
(Kevin grabs the ball and they look at each other.)
I'm gonna get some soda - ya want some?
(They turn toward the camera, then pause as Karen backs out of the kitchen doorway, then turns and looks down.)
Ah, no...
It was pretty clear what had happened.
Well, guys...I'm outta here. (Shrugs.) Looks like the room is yours. (Exits.)
Yes!
(Kevin hops up and down.)
Yes!
(They smile at each other and "high five".)
Yes!
Yes!
(They smile and hop up and down, holding each others arms.)
Oh, yes! Yes!
*
(Immediately after Karen leaves, Wayne and Kevin enter their room, smiling excitedly.)
Yes! Yes!
(Kevin dives onto his bed and rolls onto his back.)
Yes!
Wayne and I were saying farewell to an era.
(They relax, and sigh.)
It was almost...poignant.
Nice knowing you.
Yeah.
(Kevin sits up.)
You, too.
(Wayne sits up, then sighing.)
Well...(Shrugs.)
The time had come. There was nothing left to say, but...
Seeya, butthead.
(Wayne holds out his hand. Kevin smiles and they shake hands.)
Seeya. (Smiles.)
Just...one little detail.
So when you leavin'? (Smiles.)
Me? (Smiles.) No, I'm not leavin'...
What?
I thought you were leaving. (Frowns.)
No. (Gestures.) No, I'm staying right here - you're leaving.
I don't think so. (Frowns.)
No. No. No, see...(gestures)...this is my room.
Wrong! (Frowns.) This is my room. (Points.) That's your room.
And that's when the full horror of what was transpiring hit us. After more than a decade of strife...it had come down to this. We'd clawed our way to the very brink of freedom. From each other.
(They stand up. Wayne frowns, then pushes Kevin.)
And, now...
(Kevin pushes Wayne.)
Butthead!
(They fall onto Kevin's bed.)
Idiot!
Suddenly...
Stop it, you stupid jerk!
We were going nowhere.
It's my room!
I'm gonna kill you.
(They slide onto the floor.)
Ahhh!
(Fade to "later". Kevin is sitting on his bed, as Wayne sets a box of games and miscellaneous stuff on his bed.)
OK. Move out...(gestures)...you can have anything on this bed.
And so...
(Wayne puts his hands on his hips and smiles, then hurriedly picks up the basketball.)
Negotiations began.
I don't want anything on this bed. (Frowns.)
What?
It's all junk. (Gestures.) Why don't ya take somethin' of mine?
You must be joking. (Frowns.)
Alright, fine. (Gestures.) Suit yourself.
(Wayne paces, then looks at Kevin and gestures.)
I'll drive you to school every day.
In your car?
(Wayne makes fists in front of himself.)
Ahhhhh. (Frowns.)
(Wayne paces one direction.)
Apparently...
(Wayne frowns and turns the other direction.)
Our negotiational skills left something to be desired.
(Wayne pauses, then points toward Kevin.)
I'll pay you ten bucks.
No!
Twenty. (Frowns.)
No!
(Wayne straightens up slightly and gestures.)
A thousand.
(Kevin frowns. Wayne shrugs slightly and gestures.)
A hundred.
Look, Wayne. (Frowns.) This isn't about money, OK?
Whatever it was about, this was too important to be left to mere dollars and cents.
(Cut to the dining room. Kevin and Wayne face each other at the table, shaking their fists in unison in front of themselves.)
One, two, three, shoot!
(Wayne extends two fingers, and Kevin extends one.)
So, we left it up to...blind luck.
Odds. Mine. One, zip.
(Wayne smiles and raises his eyebrows.)
What the heck. At least this would settle it.
(They shake their fists in unison in front of themselves again.)
One way or the other.
Shoot!
(They both extend two fingers.)
Evens. One, up.
(Wayne looks down and frowns.)
Heh-heh.
(They shake their fists again.)
Shoot!
(They each extend one finger. Kevin tilts his head back.)
Yes! Yes!
(Kevin looks toward Wayne and laughs.)
There it was. An indisputable victory.
I win. (Smiles.)
I don't know what you're talkin' about.
I win. (Gestures.) Two-outta-three. (Smiles.)
It's the best three-out-of-five. (Smiles.)
No, it's not. (Frowns.)
Yes, it is. (Smiles.)
It's two-out-of-three. (Frowns.)
Three-out-of-five. (Frowns.)
Two-out-of-three!
Three-out-of-five.
Wayne - that's cheating.
Fine.
(Wayne stands up.)
You don't want to play fair? (Smiles.) Then we'll just forget the whole thing. (Nods.)
(Wayne turns and walks off. Cut to the living room. Everyone is watching a movie on TV.)
The thing is, I wasn't sure myself why Wayne and I couldn't agree on the one thing we both wanted so much.
So, uh...who's movin' into Karen's room?
(Wayne and Kevin point toward each other.)
(K & W): He is.
All I knew was...neither one of us...was backing down.
*
(Later, Kevin walks from the bathroom to the bedroom. The door is locked.)
Wayne!
(Wayne opens the door.)
Come in! (Smiles.)
(Wayne smiles as he puts his arm around Kevin's shoulder, as Kevin steps forward. Kevin pauses and looks down.)
What is this? (Frowns.)
(Close shot of the carpet, which has parallel strips of masking tape on it. The camera pans up the tape, accompanied by Doppler sound effects. The camera pans up Wayne and Kevin.)
This? (Points.) Well, let's just think of this as...
(Wayne looks at Kevin and squeezes him.)
Traffic control.
Meaning what? (Frowns.)
Meaning if you insist on coming into my room...(points)...you will obey the traffic regulations. You will stay in authorized lanes at all times, otherwise...
(They look at each other. Kevin frowns. Wayne makes a fist.)
There's a penalty. (Frowns.)
Wayne...
(Kevin frowns heavily and shakes Wayne's hand off his shoulder.)
You're crazy - you know that?
(Wayne looks at Kevin's feet.)
Oops. Over the line.
(Wayne punches Kevin on the shoulder.)
Sorry.
(Kevin frowns, then walks toward his bed. Wayne grabs his arm.)
Out of bounds. (Nods.) Penalty.
(Wayne punches Kevin on the shoulder again.)
Wayne...(frowns)...I'm warning you...
Too much time in the red-zone.
(Wayne draws his fist back. Kevin turns away. Wayne punches him with his left hand.)
That's it.
(Kevin grabs Wayne, and they fall onto the floor and fight.)
Idiot! I'm gonna kill you.
Get off me!
Eat it!
You punk! Scrote!
(Jack emerges from his bedroom as he puts on his robe, and approaches the boys' room, pausing in the doorway.)
The hell's goin' on here?! (Frowns.)
(Kevin and Wayne sit up.)
It's about that damn room, isn't it?
Look, Dad -
Fine. (Gestures.) You can't make a decision...I'll make it for ya. Nobody gets it. (Frowns.)
But, Dad...(Frowns.)
You heard me. Nobody. (Frowns.) I'll turn it into a den.
Uh, but, Dad...(Frowns.)
And I don't want to hear another word about it. You've been bickering long enough. (Frowns.) Am I understood? (Nods.)
(Kevin and Wayne look off.)
Good. (Frowns.)
(Jack starts to back away, then glances at the door and pulls it closed quickly.)
We sat there, stunned by one horrible irony. In struggling to get apart...we'd locked ourselves together...once again.
That's it.
Where are you going? (Frowns.)
(Wayne reaches into the closet, yanks a sleeping bag out, and opens the door.)
Wayne! (Gestures.)
(Kevin grabs his shoes and hurries after Wayne. In the front yard, Wayne hurries outside and hops through the hedge.)
Wayne!
Uh! Beat it!
Wait - wait up!
(He reaches for the other shoe and hops after Wayne as he puts it on.)
You heard me.
(Kevin pauses in front of Wayne, who is standing next to his car at the curb.)
Get outta here! (Points.) This is all your fault! (Points.)
(Wayne turns toward the car. Kevin points at himself.)
Mine?! Hey, I didn't...(Gestures.)
Look, I don't even want to talk about it. Now, scram!
Where are you going?
Where does it look like I'm going? (Frowns.)
Are you gonna sleep in your car?
You got it, butthead. (Frowns.)
Well...why? (Gestures.) I mean, you got a bed in the house.
Because, I would rather sleep here...(points)...than spend one more night in that room with you! (Points.)
What?
Don't you get it? I'm sick of you. (Frowns.) I'm sick of hearing you. And I'm sick of knowing you. (Frowns.) Now, get outta here! (Frowns.)
(Wayne gets in his car and slams the door.)
It wasn't just what he said that hurt.
(Wayne is in the back seat, settling into the sleeping bag.)
It was the fact that he meant it. And at that moment, I felt...betrayed. After fourteen years of putting up with the guy - a guy virtually no one could stand...he had the nerve to say a thing like that?
(Kevin kicks the bumper.)
Hey, cut it out! (Frowns.)
(Kevin kicks the bumper again.)
I said cut it out, scrote! (Frowns.)
But I didn't care. I was sick of Wayne. For the first time in my life...I truly wanted him gone.
(Kevin kicks the bumper and it falls off.)
And then...
(The car starts to roll backward.)
Wayne went.
(Wayne looks around quickly.)
Ehhh!
Wayne!
(Kevin starts to run after the car.)
Wayne!
(Wayne struggles in the sleeping bag as Kevin approaches the passenger door.)
Help!
(Kevin grabs the handle, then bangs on the door.)
Unlock the door!
(Wayne struggles with the sleeping bag.)
I can't!
Unlock the door!
I can't!
(The car pulls away slightly as it speeds up.)
Wayne!
(Kevin grabs the radio antenna, which breaks off. Wayne sticks his head out the back window and Kevin slows up.)
Your gonna pay for that!
(Kevin holds the antenna and looks at the car as Wayne screams.)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
(The car backs over the curb and knocks a fire-hydrant away, which shoots water about twenty-five feet into the air. Some trashcans are knocked over. Wayne gets out of the sleeping bag and opens the door, falling onto the sidewalk. He stands up as Kevin runs up, then slows and looks at the fountain of water.)
Sometimes it takes a tragedy to put things in perspective.
(Wayne looks at the fountain of water, panting.)
Sometimes it takes a worn-out brake, five trashcans, and a busted fire-hydrant. In any event...
I'll take Karen's room.
That night...Waynee and I reached an understanding.
(Wayne looks at Kevin, then smiles and shakes his head slightly.)
No. (Nods.) I'll take it.
No. No, really. (Shrugs.) I'll take the room.
No. (Gestures.) I want it, really.
No. It's OK. I'll take it.
No, no, no - I know it's OK, Kev.
Wayne, I'll take the room.
It's OK. I'll take the room.
No. Wayne, don't worry about it - I'll...
I mean, I want the room...
I know you don't. I'll take it...I know you'd rather...
In the end, Dad flipped a coin.
(Fade to the bathroom. Kevin dries his face, turns out the light, then approaches his room. He and Wayne meet in the hallway. Wayne is holding a box of stuff.)
Childhood is a struggle.
(They pass each other slowly.)
In struggling to separate ourselves from one another...Wayne and I had also struggled to stay together. In order to break apart...we had to hurt each other. And now...we'd done what we had to do.
(Fade to "later". Kevin is lying in bed, awake. Sound of knocking. Kevin slowly gets out of bed. Sound of four knocks. Kevin goes to the closet and slides the hangers of clothes over to one side, and sits down. He knocks three times. Sound of four knocks. Kevin smile slightly as he knocks in the "shave-and-a-haircut" pattern. Sound of knocking in the "two-bits" pattern. Kevin smiles and looks at the closet wall, then returns to bed.)
The thing is, even today...on nights when I lie in bed, listening to my children in their rooms, breathing next to one another...I wish for them what my parents had wished for my brother and me. I wish for them...what we had.

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(Ep 67 - "The House That Jack Built")

(Karen has told everyone she's going to be sharing a house.)
What's it like? (Smiles.)
In fact, for some reason...Mom had a hold of this house thing like a dog with a bone.
I don't know, it's um...(shrugs)...just a big old house...(gestures)...it's roomy, lots of windows...it's a nice place.
Well, maybe we should...drive up and see it.
All of us? (Frowns.)
Come on, Mom. (Frowns.) We don't need to go up there.
Yeah, Mom. Besides...the house still needs a lot of work, and...that's why we're getting such a good deal. Maybe you should wait a few weeks.
Well, if you think so. (Smiles.)
And once again, the issue was settled.
Needs a little fix-up, hah?
Oh, no.
Daddy...(smiles)...it's being handled.
Yeah...but someone's gotta make sure it's done right.
(Jack looks at Norma.)
Maybe we should drive up - take a look, huh? (Nods.) Right, Kev?
Me?! (Frowns.)
(Wayne looks at Kevin and smiles. Kevin gestures toward him.)
Why can't he help? (Frowns.)
(Wayne leans a little closer.)
Looks like you're Daddy's little helper. (Smiles.)
(Wayne looks at his food and frowns.)
Sucker.
*
(The Arnold's have returned during a rain storm.)
Welcome back.
(Norma and Jack enter, and brush some water off themselves.)
Hey, Dad - you better check the basement.
What?
The floor's a little wet.

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(Ep 68 - "Graduation")

In the three years sice I'd entered seventh-grade...a lot of things had changed. Still, in the suburbs where I lived, the currency of life remained about the same. The whir of lawn-mowers. The cries of hide-and-seek. The dreams of parents. The struggles of children.
(Cut to the kitchen as Norma is helping Wayne with a vocabulary homework.)
The grinding of very small minds.
"B".
Oh...honey, I think maybe it's "C".
That's what I said. (Gestures.) "C".
After a decade of hiding out in the cracks of the public school system...my brother was facing the hard choices.
Come on, now...try another one.
That would be, uhhhhhh...
Not that he wasn't going down without a fight.
Nnnnn-eeee...."A"! Can we eat, now?
*
(In the hospital, Kevin holds Mrs. Heimer's baby.)
Suffice it to say, that that afternoon...I embraced the future. I became a dad - well, kinda. nd that night...
(Cut to graduation as Mr. Diperna speaks.)
Ladies and gentlemen...the class of 1971!
I graduated from junior high school.
Kevin Arnold...
Yeah - whoo!
(Wayne raises his fist.)
Butthead!
*
What I remember...are green lawns and sprinklers...and the smell of backyard grills. And the nearness of friends.
(Wayne steps onto the porch.)
Hey. Butthead. (Gestures.) Dinner's ready.
In a minute.
(Wayne turn and pauses, then frowns at Kevin and goes inside.)



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(Ep 70 - "The Lake")

(At the picnic tables.)
All the family togetherness was more than my adolescent soul could take. What I needed was...
(Sound of a car backfire.)
A saviour.
(Music "I Fought the Law" plays as Wayne and Wart drive through the campground and squeal to a stop, with the radio blasting. They hop out, and Wayne perfunctorily straightens clothes and hair, as his car gives a final shuddering backfire. Wayne approaches and grabs a hamburger.)
Sorry we're late.
You guys were supposed to be here three hours ago!
Yeah, well, uh, we took the scenic route. Tell him, Wart!
Hehehe, we took the scenic route.
That was Wayne's buddy Dave Wirtshafter. Everybody called him "Wart". Hard guy to look at.
Say, I have a fun idea for tonight. How about a campfire!
(Debbie looks at Kevin and smiles.)
Sounds good to me, Mom!
Oh, no..
Sorry we're...going to be at the drive-in tonight.
But...hang on! Did he say...?
At the drive-in, hhehe. "Planet of the Apes".
Great. We'll come with you.
You must be joking.
(Sound of car backfire.)
*
(The four boys are in Wayne's car, going over the humps of the lot.)
OK, so it cost us fifteen bucks, plus gas. At least we found a place to hide out for the night.
Get out!
(Kevin and Paul look puzzled.)
Tell 'em, Wart!
Get out!
(Kevin and Paul hop out. Wayne and Wart laugh as they drive off.)
And there you had it. We'd hit bottom.
(Loudest car backfire.)
*
Here we go!
(Jack places a cooked fish on an aluminum tray in the center of the table.)
Eat up. (Smiles.)
Fish turned out great, honey. Aren't you all proud of your father?
Yeah, we've got fish for days, hehehh.
Yeah, hehhh, we've got fish for days.
Of course I was more than glad to be there for Dad's moment of triumph.
Well, I got to run.
Honey? Run where?
To the drive-in. You know, with Paul.
'Fraid not, honeybunch. The Pfeiffster's not going anywhere. Mr. Rubberhead's grounded for life.
Wayne!
Hnnnn...


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(Ep 71 - "Day One")

(Kevin walks up the hallway.)
OK, I'd learned my first lesson. In high school, one had to be careful when dealing with authority figures.
(Wayne and Wart grab Kevin and push him back.)
Hey, Wart. Looks like somebody forgot to read the scrote handbook.
Get outta my way, Wayne!
Sorry, Kev. Can't! You're on the seal.
(Kevin looks down. He is standing on the school seal in the hallway.)
The sacred emblem of our fine school.
So?
So? So, only seniors are allowed to walk on the seal.
Yeah, only seniors are allowed to walk on the seal.
Now, coming from anyone else...maybe I would have believed it. But from these jokers?
That's crazy! What kind of rule is that?
Kev, Kev - this seal is an emblem for the school, and protecting it is a long-standing tradition passed from one senior class to the next.
Get outta my way, butt-breath.
(Kevin starts to push through them. Wayne shoves him against the lockers.)
Let me explain something to you. Maybe you were some kind of "hot-shot" in junior high, but you're nothing here. You're the lowest of the low, the putridest of the putrid. You're that stuff that mom sweeps out from underneath the refrigerator. And we're in charge here. And if we catch you walking on the seal, you get...the "boosh"! The royal flush.
The "boosh"!
Not that I knew what that was. Still, the terminology seemed pretty self-explanatory.
Thanks for lettin' me know.
(Wayne smiles.)
You're my brother, I care about ya.
(Kevin starts to move, and Wayne pushes Kevin's forehead back, then smiles and walks off.)
*
I'm going this way, so...I'll see you later, OK?
(Winnie smiles, pats Kevin's arm, and walks off.)
And ya know, hearing that voice, seeing that smile, for one moment I actually felt a little twinge of...
Oh, Kevie?
(Kevin notices he is standing on the seal.)
Absolute fear.
You get - the "boosh".
(Cut to restroom. Kevin's legs stick out the top of a stall.)
Hey! Hey!
(The camera pans down the stall, showing Wayne and Wart's feet. Sound of - the "boosh". About $3.00 in coins clatters onto the floor.)
You heard it here. I got - the "boosh".

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(Ep 72 - "The Hardware Store")

(At dinner.)
So...(smiles)...how was work today?
My father had gotten me the job.
Work's work.
Old man's runnin' your tail off, huh? (Smiles.)
Kinda.
For some reason...Dad seemed to find a certain humor in seeing his youngest child do time at hard labor. Come to think of it - so did my entire family.
So how was your day, hon-ey?(Smiles.)
Shut up, butthead! (Frowns.)


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(Ep 75 - "Triangle")

(Wayne and Sandy approach Kevin near the school bus area.)
Hey. Kev...how's it going?
Kevin...(Smiles.)
Hi. (Smiles.) How ya doin'?
Good.
(Sandy glances down toward a book Kevin holds.)
"Scarlet Letter", huh? Yeah, we read that last year.
Yeah. It's really...(Gestures.)
Thick?
Yeah. It's really thick. (Smiles.)
And stupid. (Giggles.) I mean, the lady is tempted once by love, and she's made a complete outcast.
(Wayne looks off and sighs.)
I think the town over-reacted. Right, Wayne?
Uh...uh...
(Wayne looks at Kevin and smiles.)
Indubitably.
It was amazing.
Well...we better get goin'. Come on.
OK...
(Sandy looks at Kevin.)
Bye...
By some fantastic stroke of cosmic luck, my brother had found paradise. A girl with charm. A girl with style.
(Cut to dinner.)
A girl...who used her silverware.
This is great, Mrs. Arnold. (Smiles.)
Yes, it's, uh...superb. (Smiles.)
Oh, well...thank you.
Needless to say...
(Jack looks at Norma and mouthes "superb?")
It was a shock. I was shocked...Dad was shocked...only my mother seemed to have expected this.
So...how did you two meet?
Lemme tell. (Giggles.) I was running to class...and I tripped on the stairs, and I was falling, and all of a sudden...there was Wayne. (Smiles.)
Lucky me. (Smiles.)
(K & J): I'll say.
Yep - Wayne was really improving himself socially.
(Wayne burps, then covers his mouth. Cut to typing class.)
Not to mention academically.
(Mr. Finora approaches in the background.)
Don't look at the keys, don't look at the keys, don't look at the keys, don't look at the keys, don't look at the keys...Excellent technique, Mr. Arnold.
Thanks. (Smiles.)
Not you. (Frowns.)
(Wayne leans out from the seat behind Kevin.)
Thanks. (Smiles.)
(Wayne smiles and raises his eyebrows as Kevin looks at him.)
Let's face it. The guy was on a roll.
Let's see your work, Mr. Arnold.
Whereas for me...the story of my life read more like...
Dodoplinflerclompssterodinumbelumka.
I didn't look at the keys. (Smiles.)
Sophomores. (Frowns.)
*
(Kevin is in a "dating slump". He is going into the basement.)
I decided to get away. Be alone, by myself. Forget all about things, like...
(Wayne and Sandy are watching "The Sonny and Cher Show". She has her head on his shoulder as they laugh.)
Romance.
Hi.
Hi! (Smiles.)
Hi...
(Wayne makes a face and smiles.)
Sorry...(gestures)...I didn't know anyone was down here.
It's OK. Come on, sit down.
Yeah. (Frowns.) Join us.
Talk about your warm welcomes.
No, thanks. (Frowns.) I got a lot of stuff to do.
Kevin...sit down. We're watching "Sonny and Cher".
Yeah.
(Wayne frowns and nods.)
Well...(gestures)...maybe for a second.
Great.
(Wayne and Sandy separate slightly, and Kevin sits next to her. They look toward the TV and laugh. Shot of the TV as Sonny looks toward the audience. Cher has a "I know better" look.)
Being...being sexy is not that big of a deal.
How would you know?
(The audience laughs, as do Wayne, Sandy and Kevin.)
OK...best comedy team...
Abbott and Costello. (Gestures.)
Laurel and Hardy. (Smiles.)
Martin and Lewis.
The Three Stooges. (Giggles.)
(Wayne does a little hand-waving "Moe" imitation. Sandy laughs and taps him on the head.)
Good stuff.
I couldn't believe it. My brother, Wayne...was actually being funny. And charming.
Uh, I think I gotta go to the can. (Frowns.)
(Wayne hops over the back of the couch. After some conversation, Kevin and Sandy reach for the popcorn, and look at each other. Sandy leans closer and they kiss briefly. They separate slightly as Wayne approaches from the stairs in the background. He kneels behind them and looks at the TV.)
Did I miss anything?
(K & S): No.
(Wayne looks at the TV and laughs.)
*
(Kevin is feeling guilty about the kiss.)
It was time to talk this out. Privately. One on one.
Hey, Sandy. (Smiles.)
Hi, Kevin. (Smiles.)
(She closes her locker, revealing Wayne on the other side of it.)
Hey.
(Wayne puts his arm around her.)
Hey. (Smiles.) How ya guys doin'?
Great!
Well, I...better...(nods)...go to class.
*
(Kevin and Sandy decide to "just be friends", then make out in and around school all day.)
Sure, I knew it was wrong, but...I didn't care.
(Cut to dinner.)
Dad? Can I borrow a couple bucks?
Until that Friday.
Well, I'm takin' Sandy to the dance, tonight.
Oh...(Nods.)
Things were getting a little complicated.
Are you going, Kevin?
To put it mildly.
Are you kidding? (Smiles.) Butthead can't get a date. (Laughs.)
(Wayne looks at Kevin and winks.)
Yeah...I'm goin'.
Oh, well that's good. Maybe you'll meet someone there. (Smiles.)
If only she knew.
You know...your father and I met at a school dance. Do you remember that, Jack? (Smiles.)
Uh-huh...(Smiles.)
It was the last time you talked to Dick Claiborne.
Great. I'm stuck in this terrible situation...and my mother is gonna relive old times.
He was your father's best friend. (Nods.) Dick took me to the dance...but I saw your father there. Of course I had seen him before, but...he was in a new suit. Skinny as a rail.
(Kevin and Wayne chuckle.)
Anyway...they had this terrible fight over me, and...they haven't talked since. (Smiles.)
So? (Shrugs.)
So...it was worth it.
And for some reason...suddenly, I was listening. Had he really said that?
(Special effect of the film rewinding, then playing forward. Jack's voice is distorted very low.)
So...it was worth it.
He had. And as those words rang in my head like a gong...I made up my mind.
(Cut to Kevin's bedroom. Kevin is looking at himself in the mirror as he tucks in his shirt.)
No matter what it did to Wayne, I would have to be with Sandy. She was definitely worth it.
(Wayne approaches and pauses in the doorway.)
Hey, butthead. (Gestures.) What do you think of the shirt? (Smiles.)
It looks cool.
I'll change. (Smiles.)
(Wayne approaches the mirror as Kevin sits on the bed.)
I began to build my case. Look at him.
(Wayne leans forward and looks in the mirror.)
He didn't deserve her.
(Wayne squeezes a zit on his chin.)
He was disgusting.
(Wayne frowns and makes faces as he squeezes.)
"Basic"? He was subhuman. He was a cretin. He always picked on me...took my stuff...treated me like dirt. The guy nwever offered me one thing in his entire life.
(Wayne fluffs his collar, nods at himself, then turns toward Kevin.)
You need a ride tonight? (Smiles.)
Except for a ride.
You're talking to me? (Gestures.)
Yeah! You can come with Sandy and me.
I don't know, Wayne. (Shrugs.)
Come on...it'll be fun.
It was horrible. Here I was, trying to knock the guy down...and all he was being was...nice.
You really like her, huh?
(Wayne looks off, then at Kevin.)
Duh...Yeah. (Frowns.)
And then he said something I'll never forget.
Sandy...makes me better than I am.
(Wayne off suddenly.)
Whatever that means.
(He looks at Kevin.)
Uh...I'm leaving in a half hour. (Gestures.) Be ready. (Smiles.)
And then I realized who the cretin really was. It was me.
(Cut to the parking lot. "If" - Bread plays as Wayne's car approaches slowly, then turns into a parking space.)
I was lower than a cretin. I was lower than subhuman. I was yeast.
(Wayne stops the car, then turns to Sandy and sings (badly) along with the radio.)
"If a picture paints a thousand words...then why can't I paint you..."
(Kevin speaks to himself.)
Don't do this.
"The you I've grown to know..."
As I sat there, feeling the romance in that car...I knew I'd been kidding myself. I could never go through with this.
(Wayne turns forward.)
Hmmm...
(Wayne turns toward Sandy and smiles, slightly embarrassed.)
Let's boogie.
(Wayne reaches for the door handle.)
Wayne? Let's just stay in the car a minute. I-I need to talk to you.
Unfortunately, Sandy could.
Uh, yeah! (Smiles.) Let's all stay.
Kevin, I need to talk to Wayne alone.
Well, I don't mind staying. Really.
He likes hangin' around me. (Smiles.)
Kevin...
(Kevin stands up, hops out, and walks away. Sandy turns toward Wayne.)
Um...
(Kevin looks at them.)
I couldn't hear what they were saying. But I didn't have to. I knew what it meant.
*
(Later at the dance, Sandy tells Kevin she broke up with Wayne, and wants to be with Kevin. Kevin wants to talk to Wayne, who is moping in the bleachers as Kevin approaches him.)
Hey.
(Wayne looks at him.)
How ya doin'?
(Wayne looks down and frowns.)
Look, Wayne...listen, I...
I broke up with Sandy.
What?! (Frowns.)
Dumped her.
You did?
(Wayne frowns and nods slightly.)
Yeah. (Shrugs.) It wasn't working out. (Shrugs.) She wasn't my type.
(Wayne looks down.)
The thing is...
(Wayne looks at Kevin.)
I don't mean to get philosophical...
(Wayne looks forward as he swallow some air, then burps.)
But I think...even though she's hurt...and even though she feels...that nobody loves her...and she's all alone...it's...better if it ended...fast. Because she...(sighs)...has a better chance of gettin' over it...
(Wayne looks at Kevin. The camera pans over slowly.)
Someday.
(Kevin looks toward Sandy. She waves slightly.)
As I sat there...listening to my brother's pain...and the lies he told to cover it...I didn't know what to do. I knew I wanted to be with Sandy.
(A guy approaches and taps her on the shoulder.)
Holding her in my arms...
(She glances at Kevin, then says something to the guy.)
Dancing with her.
(They start to dance.)
But in the end...I stayed with my brother...because, after all...he was my brother.
(Wayne elbows Kevin, then looks forward and shakes his head.)
Butthead.
(Kevin looks off.)
Buttbrain. (Frowns.)


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(Ep 76 - "Soccer")

(At dinner.)
Soccer? Is that where they use the brooms to sweep in front of the little...thingy?
That's curling, Mom. Soccer's where...little boys chase the ball around in shorts and knee-socks.

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(Ep 77 - "Dinner Out")

My dad was always a sucker for birthdays. Every year, he loved the ritual. The attention. The cake. Heck, we all loved the cake. But most of all...Dad loved our gifts. No matter what we gave him...it was his moment of glory. His time in the sun. His chance to be king for a day.
(Fade to Jack looking off and frowning as he tries to cut some tough meat.)
Unfortunately by birthday-time, nineteen-seventy-one...the king wasn't looking so...
(Wayne burps, and the others look at him.)
Kingly.
Sorry. (Smiles.)
Maybe it was because he was about to turn forty-three in a week. Maybe it was the day-to-day irritations. Maybe it was something else.
Jack? I spoke to Karen today. (Smiles.)
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, she just wanted to know how we're all doing. (Smiles.)
We're doing fine.
And she mentioned that she and...
I don't want to talk about it.
Face it. For the past six months, ever since he'd found out my sister was co-habitating without benefit of clergy...Dad had become kinda...monosyllabic. We, of course, did our best to humor the big guy.
So, Dad...(smiles)...who do you think's gonna be in the superbowl this year?
(Jack frowns at Kevin.)
I don't get it.
(Wayne picks up a large spoonful of mashed potatoes.)
I mean, what's the big deal?
(Wayne thwacks the potatoes onto his plate and gets another spoonful.)
Just because she's shacking up...
(Wayne thwacks the potatoes onto his plate.)
With some guy. (Frowns.)
*
(At a department store, Wayne picks up a card which reads...)
Happy birthday, Dad. You're not getting older - that would be impossible. (Laughs.)
Come on - you don't want to get him that. (Frowns.)
(Wayne puts the card back.)
Mom said we can get him anything we want. (Frowns.)
(Wayne starts to walk past Kevin, bumps shoulders, and walks away.)
Which, for my brother, meant anything under a buck.
*
(Norma tells Jack that Karen and Michael will drive down on Saturday. Jack is not happy about it.)
She wants to come to your birthday, Jack. (Gestures.)
Not with that guy! (Points.) Not in my house! (Frowns.)
And there it was. Dad's final proclamation. End of discussion.
(Wayne is on the couch, watching TV and chewing some popcorn.)
There was nothing left to say, except...
So why don't we go someplace else? (Gestures.)
Huh?
It may have been the most inspired moment of Wayne's long and abysmal adolescence.
(Wayne eats some more popcorn.)
*
(Karen and Michael joined the Arnold's outside the restaurant. Jack would not shake Micahel's hand, but Norma did.)
Looking back, it was quite a moment. Historic, really. After all, we were crossing the Rubicon, here.
(Wayne leans toward Michael slightly.)
So. (Smiles.)
(They shake hands.)
You're the guy who's sleeping with my sister, hah?
And there was nothing to do but...swim for our lives.
*
(Kevin tipped the maitre d' a dollar for a good table. They get a small table with wooden chairs.)
Well...(nods)...this is...(gestures)...nice.
Yeah.
Yeah...
So, where do we sit?
Well, let me see, uh...(frowns)...how about...(shrugs)...boy-girl, boy-girl? (Smiles.)
*
(The waitress approaches.)
And how are we all this evening? (Smiles.)
If only she only.
Can I get you folks a drink?
Uh, yeah! I'll have a double...
(Wayne smiles at Jack, then looks at the waitress.)
Scotch-rocks, with a twist. (Nods.)
(Jack frowns slightly. The waitress frowns. Wayne looks toward Jack and points.)
For him. (Smiles.)
(Wayne looks at the waitress.)
Natch.
Oh...(Nods.)
If we could just see the menus, please.
Oh, our special tonight is a sixteen-ounce prime rib. (Smiles.)
Prime rib, huh? (Smiles.)
Alright - this was the ticket. Mellow the guy out with a good old fashioned hunk o'...
Dead cow. (Frowns.)
Uh, Karen...
Well, that's what prime rib is, isn't it? Cow flesh?
(Karen frowns at the waitress.)
How many innocent beasts had to be slaughtered so we could have this meal?
I don't know, honey...(nods)...I just work here. I'll be back to take your orders. (Exits.)
Who chose this place, anyway?
Dad did. (Points.)
*
(At the salad bar, Wayne grabs some serving tongs and looks at Kevin.)
Excuse me.
(Wayne piles more salad on his plate, which is already overflowing.)
It's all you can eat, butthead - not all you can carry.
Yeah...
(Wayne puts more salad on his plate, much of it falling off.)
Pow...
*
(At the table, Wayne hands Jack a manila envelope. Jack pulls out a colorful op-art designed tie.)
Sorry I didn't have time to wrap it, but uh...(frowns)...it's really cool, huh? (Nods.)
Thanks.
(Jack nods and frowns slightly. Wayne nods and smiles as he chews a roll.)
Fortunately, as it turned out, the evening didn't hinge on Wayne's taste in haberdashery.
*
(Jack liked the ratchet set Karen gave him - until he found out Michael chose it.)
That's it.
(Karen stands and tosses her napkin down.)
I'm leaving. (Frowns.)
Karen!
You know...I-I don't know why I thought tonight would be any different. (Frowns.) Come on, Michael - we're out of here.
No. You're not out of here.
(Jack stands up and tosses his napkin down.)
We're out of here. (Frowns.) Where's the check? (Frowns.)
It was horrible.
No, wait a minute, Dad - I was gonna pay...
(Jack tosses some bills down and walks off.)
Jack? Please...
(Wayne holds up Kevin's roll as Norma gathers Jack's presents.)
Ya gonna eat this?

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(Ep 78 - "Christmas Party")

(Norma puts a TV-dinner in front of Jack.)
What's this?
Salisbury steak.
(Norma holds up the box and smiles.)
See?
Oh...
By December of 1971...My family was afloat in the conveniences of modern life. Whether we liked it or not.
Hey, Mom? What happened to, ya know, like...dinner?
*
(Jack is on a ladder putting up Christmas lights.)
Every year, for two weeks before the big night...Dad roped us into something akin to indentured servitude. Kinda like...elves.
Dad? Do I have to stand here?
No! You can go sweep off the driveway...(Gestures.) And hose out those ice-buckets for spiders. I don't want you guys to run out of ice Saturday night. Got that?
It was humiliating.
You know, Dad...I've been thinking, you know, maybe I...(shrugs)...wouldn't come to the party this year.
Yeah, me too.
What do you mean not come to the party?
Well, I don't want to hang out with your friends. I've got my own life.
Me, too!
You know, I'm not a little kid anymore. I could be a father.
Me, too!
*
(Shopping.)
While Dad was pondering economics, we were plotting our escape.
Who's gonna talk to him?
You.
Me? You talk to him, butthead.
OK, I will! (Gestures.) I'll handle this. (Frowns.)
Wait a minute...
Wayne? Wayne - no - I'll talk to him.
After all, we were hittin' Dad where he lived. This was gonna require tact...timing...diplomacy.
Dad? Um, we were thing about the party...And we've decided that -
We wanna get paid.
Paid?
Yeah - for the work we're gonna do at the party. (Frowns.)
Paid...
(Jack gets three pennies in change from his purchase.)
Fine! You wanna get paid?! (Frowns.)
(Jack slaps the coins in Kevin's hand.)
There! Split it up. (Gestures and exits.)
(Wayne takes the pennies, and holds one out. Kevin takes it. Wayne exits.)
*
As the party got nearer, two things became obvious.
(Jack is sitting on the couch, frowning at the plug on the coffee-maker.)
Shoulda kept the manual.
One...the old coffee-maker wasn't working. And two...the elves were getting restless.
(Kevin and Wayne are decorating the tree.)
Hand me the manger, idiot!
(Wayne smiles and looks at the TV.)
No thanks.
Wayne?
I'm on a break.
Your brain's on break.
(Wayne kicks Kevin on the leg.)
Shut up, dork.
*
(Kevin and Wayne are putting guest's jackets away.)
Yoohoo! Make sure you hang that up, young man!
(Wayne takes the woman's fox stole.)
And don't throw it on the bed with everything else! (Exits.)
Yep - all the same old faces were here.
(Wayne squeezes the fox head, which squeaks.)
Eww!
(Wayne sticks the stole in Kevin's face and squeaks it.)
Not to mention the same old furs.
(Wayne looks over his shoulder toward the door.)
Bag!
(Wayne walks toward the closet and holds out the fur. Kevin and Wayne look at each other.)
Still, you could feel the holiday spirit all through the house.
(Wayne drops the fur, smiles at Kevin, puts his hands in his pockets, and exits past the camera.)
*
(Guests are playing Twister. A pretty young woman is bent over, and tugs her short skirt down. Wayne is watching her.)
Holy cow...I gotta get out of here.
(Wayne wipes his forehead and exits.)
*
(In the garage, getting sodas, after Mr. Ermin gets busted in the basement.)
Think Mr. Ermin...buys it, or does he grow it himself?
Ah, shut up!
S'matter with you?
Nothing, OK?
But there was something wrong. I knew it, Wayne knew it...
(Kevin and Wayne look toward the door as they hear Jack and Norma outside.)
I'm just saying, you could have handled it a little better.
Better?
(Sound of a slamming door.)
How was I supposed to handle it better?! Tell me.
You simply could have asked him to leave.
Maybe Mom and Dad knew it, too.
You've known him for twenty years, Jack.
(Kevin and Wayne peek around the doorway.)
Then he shouldn't have done somethin' so stupid!
No - you should not have pushed him all the way up the stairs - he could have gotten hurt!
The guy's a jerk!
No - the man is a friend!
Look, Norma! It was not my idea to have this damn party in the first place!
Now it's my fault?!
No, it -
(Kevin and Wayne fall forward, and a bunch of stuff clatters to the ground. Kevin and Wayne pop up, as a hubcap rattles to a stop.)
Hi, Dad! (Smiles.)
Hi, Mom! (Smiles.)
Get outta here.
What?
Go to the store and get some soda.
(Wayne points and frowns.)
We got sodas in the garage!
Then go get more.
*
(Kevin and Wayne pull up to the curb, after going to the store.)
Where'd everyone go? (Frowns.)
Man, what a bust.
It's pretty quiet in there.
Yeah. Come on.
I wasn't sure what to expect - chaos...mayhem...
(They enter and pause, surprised. Norma and Jack are on the couch, alone.)
Or, maybe, two love-birds on a couch.
Ahem! We got some soda.
Thanks, honey.
Well, I'll just...put 'em in the 'fridge.

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(Ep 79 - "Pfeiffer's Fortune")

(Jack is trying to fix the living room TV. Wayne and Kevin are on the couch. Sparks fly from the rear of the TV.)
Damn!
You OK, Dad?
Fine.
That was my dad. He had his own way of taking care of his family.
(Jack reaches for tools.)
More of the "do-it-yourself" approach. Of course, we tried to give him as much support as possible.
(Wayne looks at his watch and frowns.)
Hey! "Get Smart" starts in fifteen minutes. Maybe we should drop in on the Pfeiffer's.
After all, billionaire or not, he was the man we looked up to, and trusted.
(Norma approaches.)
Jack? Maybe we should call someone before you electricute yourself.
Everything's under control, Norma.
Hey! I got an idea. You should buy some land like old man Pfeiffster.
Shut up, butthead!
You shut up!
Wayne! Your father takes good care of us. Besides, I like this old TV.
Alvin's lucky he didn't lose his shirt. (Frowns.)
Yeah.
(Wayne looks at Kevin.)
Instead he got a color TV.
*
(A truck carries a swimming pool past the Arnolds' house as Jack, Wayne and Kevin wax the car.)
Over the next few days, as the Pfeiffer's continued to parade their good fortune, the Arnold community spirit began to run a little thin.
Now he's puttin' in a pool. (Gestures.) Can you believe that guy?
Why can't we have a pool?
You want a pool? (Frowns.) Start diggin'!
*
(Jack is trying to fix the kitchen TV during dinner. Earlier Alvin told Kevin that Jack could have invested with Alvin as well.)
Damn...
That's great, Dad. Now it matches the one in the livingroom.
I don't understand this. (Frowns.)
But Dad wasn't the only one feeling confused.
So how was your eye appointment today, honey?
Fine. Except...Mr. Pfeiffer said that -
Oh - that reminds me. Jack? Ida called today...she invited us all to the country club on Saturday.
Forget it - we're not going.
Why not?
Because. We got other things to do.
What other things? (Frowns.)
Things.
But Jack - it's just that...I already accepted. I-I thought it'd be fun, and we haven't spent -
I said...we're not going.
Of course we all knew what was going on here. So I guess it was up to me to put it all in perspective.
What's your problem, Dad? I mean, it's his money, isn't it? He earned it. He took the risk!
(Jack looks off.)
Looking back, it was one of those moments that makes you really, really proud to have been a smart-aleck kid.
(Wayne holds out the bowl of mashed potatoes.)
More potatoes, butthead? (Smiles.)
*
(At the country club, the Arnolds approach Ida.)
I'm so glad you could come!
(Norma and Ida kiss cheeks.)
Oh, it's lovely, here. Isn't it lovely Jack?
Where's Alvin?
Oh, he'll be joining us in a while. He had some business calls to make. Is anyone thirsty.
Sure.
No.
Great. (Frowns.)
*
(Later, everyone is seated around an outdoor table at the restaurant.)
It was grim. Here we were, two families who grew up practically next door, with nothing to say to each other but -
Anybody got any more saltines, huh?
Face it - money had come between us. Two decades of neighborly goodwill had run aground on a few measley acres of beachfront investment-property. And there was nothing any of us could do to make it better.
(Norma makes a toast to the Pfeiffer's. Alvin starts to cry.)
It was...horrible.
Al...honey?
It's gone.
What?
I said it's gone. The whole investment. The whole shebang.
Oh, God!
Not the beach, Dad!
Under water. All of it.
His face told the tale. One phone call, and the Pfeiffer fortunes had landed on the continental shelf. So of course, being neighbors, there was only one thing we could do.
Waiter? Double steak sandwich - make it fast, huh?

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(Ep 80 - "Road Test")

(Jack and Norma give Kevin a cake after he said he got his license.)
Congratulations, Kev! (Smiles.)
You did it honey! (Smiles.)
Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad. This is really - great.
But it was horrible. I was a failure and a liar...in front of my whole family.
Well, let's see it, butthead!
See what?
The driver's license - where is it?
Uh...
You didn't lose it already, did ya?
No! No! I just left it...in my other pants - in my other wallet! Besides, it's just a temporary!

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(Ep 81 - "Grandpa's Car")

(After Albert has his driver's license taken away.)
That cop wouldn't know a good driver if he got run over by one.
Honest, Gramps, I mean...did ya have the peddle to the metal? (Gestures.) Were you gunnin' it? (Gestures.)
What are ya talkin' about? Twenty-five miles an hour.
Twenty-five miles an hour, and you-you still hit the guy? (Frowns and laughs.)
*
(Next morning, Albert has driven to the market.)
Albert...It's just that we're worried about you.
Worried? (Frowns.) Well let me tell you something right now. You won't have to worry about me! (Nods.)
(Wayne looks down as he eats.)
Come on, Gramps - be reasonable...
You too, huh? Anybody else? (Frowns.)
*
(Albert is packing, ready to drive home.)
You're not drivin' home, Dad.
I am driving home.
You're not driving home!
And there it was again. The final word.
Fine. (Nods.) Let the boy drive me.
(Squirms) Aw, Gramps, I-I don't wanna...(Frowns.)
Not you...him!
Me? (Frowns.)
Kevin?!
He's got his license, doesn't he? That's what you need in this State to drive isn't it - a license? How about it, son? (Nods.) You want to drive your dottering old grampa home?
(Wayne looks at Kevin.)
And suddenly, I was trapped between a Gramps, and a hard place.
Sure! (Shrugs.) I guess I could.

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(Ep 82 - "Kodachrome")

(Kevin is explaining Miss Shaw's "pass/no pass" grading system.)
Dad, I don't think you really understand.
Oh, I don't?
Well, I mean...this isn't a math class. (Shrugs.) There are no...right or wrong answers. I mean...(shrugs)...you can't grade people's thoughts. Or society'd turn into uh...(gestures)...an abyss of mediocrity. Well, besides...it doesn't even matter what you think of me. It only matters what I think of me. (Smiles.)
There! Philosophically speaking...you couldn't argue with that.
As long as you're living under my roof, you damn well better care what I think of you. (Nods.)
Right. (Smiles.)
(Wayne is eating cookies from a jar. He puts his hand on Kevin's.)
I think you're swell.
(Wayne laughs and snorts as he eats his cookie.)

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11/21/14 09:30