Wayne



(Ep 83 - "Private Butthead")

In nineteen-seventy-two, the war was still raging in Vietnam. Politicians kept talking. Soldiers kept dying. And no one seemed to know why. But, maybe because the war had gone on too long...or, maybe because it had caused too much pain...whatever the reason...most of us managed to keep it at a distance.
(Cut to Norma and Wayne at the kitchen table. Norma is flipping through an SAT-prep book. Wayne is sticking a paperclip in his nose.)
And go on, with our everyday, normal lives.
Oh, come on, Wayne - you know this one. "Obsequious". "A", toxic... "B", easily upset, "C"...fawning..."D", ambitious.
(Wayne pushes the paperclip into his nose as Norma looks at him.)
My brother, for example, was studying for his college entrance exams.
(Wayne pulls the paperclip out.)
Ow!
What's the matter?
I just cut my nose with this paperclip! (Frowns.)
Well, "studying" may have been an overstatement.
Wayne...You have to concentrate, or you're never gonna be ready for your SAT's!
Well, I don't know why I have to take 'em - I already took 'em once. (Gestures.)
I know, honey, but...you just...need to do a little bit better.
You know...(gestures)...I don't know what the big deal is about college anyway. It's not like if I don't go...(gestures)...I'm gonna get drafted or somethin'. (Frowns.)
Luckily, Wayne's draft lottery number was 312...Unfortunately, that was also his first SAT score.
"Obsequious"...means...fawning.
OK, OK...
OK?
OK.
OK...
I hope this doesn't get infected.
(Wayne squeezes his nose, looks at his fingers, then rubs his nose.)
The thing is, the guy wasn't a total idiot.
So, obsequious is...
(Norma nods and looks at Wayne expectantly. Wayne looks up suddenly at her, blankly.)
He was just...unconscious.
Fawning!
Great! Break my concentration!
(Wayne throws the paperclip at Kevin.)
But no matter how much of a problem the SAT's were...
(Wayne sticks a pencil in his ear.)
"Lugubrious". "A", tasty...
Wayne had an even bigger problem.
"B", mournful..."C", unnatural...
A problem of cosmic proportions.
"D", sympathetic.
(Norma looks up at Wayne and pulls the pencil out of his ear.)
Ow!
(Wayne grabs his ear, as Norma looks at the book. Cut to shot of the sun flaring the lens, and Jack's shoulder in one corner.)
A problem...
(Jack stands up, wearing his football sweatshirt, holding a hammer. Jack, Kevin and Wayne are putting shingles on the roof.)
That could block the sun.
Wayne?! What are you doin'?
What? What'd I do, now?
I told you...(points)...the shingles have to overlap.
They are overlapped.
And there's supposed to be two nails in every shingle. How many nails you got in there?
About two...
Pay attention, will ya?
Whatever you say, Dad.
As Wayne inched his way towards graduation...Dad worried about everything he did.
(Wayne reaches for some shingles.)
And his worries came out as complaints.
(A roll of tar-paper rolls down the roof past Kevin.)
Oh!
(Kevin tries to hook the roll with his hammer as it rolls over a stack of shingles, off the roof.)
Hey! Hey!
Oops!
Unfortunately, the more Dad complained...
(Wayne smiles and shrugs.)
The worse Wayne did. It was almost as if Wayne thought he was expected to screw up.
I don't believe it...(Frowns.)
Dad, I know what I'm doin', OK?! (Gestures.)
Then do it. Use your head, will ya?
Whatever you say, Dad.
But even though the problem seemed clear enough...
Look, Wayne...Dad's just tryin' to help. He cares about ya - that's why he does this.
For some reason...the solution just wasn't that simple.
(Wayne hits Kevin on the arm.)
Butthead!
Butt breath!
*
(Kevin is leaving Mrs. Ruebner's office. Wayne and Wart are on a bench. Wart smiles as a girl walks past, and shoots her with a spit-wad launched from a rubber band.)
Jerk!
Ummmm!
Wayne...
Hey, look! It's butthead!
Yeah. It's butthead! (Smiles.)
That was Wayne's friend, Wart.
(Wart frowns as a boy passes, and Wart shoots him. Wart looks at Wayne and laughs.)
They were two pea-heads in a pod.
What are you doing here?
We're getting an award for being the top students in our class.
Yeah. We're valedorians. (Giggles.)
(Mr. Quaranta is in the distance.)
Arnold! Wirtshafter! Get over here.
Wayne, what's going on?
None of your business.
Yeah, none of your business.
What'd you do? (Nods.) Murder someone?
Eh-heh.
You're next!
(Wart rips a folio, and walks off.)
We just skipped school. (Shrugs.) That's all.
(Wayne smacks Kevin on the forehead, and walks past him.)
Hmmm...
(Cut ot the Arnold living room. Wayne is sitting on the couch with his feet on the table, eating popcorn.)
You skipped school?
(Wayne leans over and looks at Kevin who is sitting at the dining room table, studying. He looks up and gestures.)
Oh, I didn't say anything.
He didn't have to - the principal called. (Frowns.)
Honey? How could you skip school?
Well...(gestures)...we didn't skip...I mean...we were gonna go, but then we just...didn't go, at the last minute.
Well...where did you go? (Nods.)
Nowhere. (Gestures.) We didn't do anything.
Coulda done that at school...
Honey? This is going to go on your permanent record!
So?
So...Suppose you don't get into college? What are you gonna do then?
I don't know...then I'll work at NORCOM.
Fat chance. (Smiles.)
What do you mean? (Points.) Dad did it!
Wayne. First I went to college, then I went into the Marines, and then I went to work at NORCOM. (Nods.)
So, I'll just get there a little faster. (Smiles.)
But if my brother was looking for a free lunch...
You wouldn't get in the front gate.
Seemed the kitchen was closed.
Well, thanks for your support, Dad. (Nods.)
(Wayne picks up the TV remote.)
I really appreciate it.
Wayne...go into your room, and study for your SAT's.
(Wayne is looking at the TV off-screen and shakes his head slightly.)
No, thanks.
(He clicks the remote.)
And there it was. A classic power-struggle. A stand-off between generations.
Son...
(Wayne frowns and slowly looks at Jack.)
Now!
(Wayne hurriedly sets the bowl of popcorn down and stands up, hops over the couch and hurries into the hall.)
Not that the outcome was really in doubt.
(Cut to the Arnold hallway. Kevin emerges from the bathroom, wearing pajamas. He turns of the light and walks toward the camera.)
Still, it was becoming clear to me, that in the war between Dad and Wayne...
(Kevin glances in Wayne's room and pauses.)
The casualties were beginning to mount.
(Wayne is sitting on his bed, looking at a book.)
Wayne? What are you doing?
Bowling.
You want me to ask you some questions or somethin'?
Buzz off. I don't even know why I'm bothering with this stuff. Eh, I mean, look at this word - "phlegmatic". Do you know what that means? (Gestures.)
Calm.
"Calm". (Gestures.) Can you believe that. I mean, it doesn't even sound like calm. "Phlegmatic". Sounds like...when your nose is stuffed up and you have a cold...you're...(shrugs)..."phlegmatic".
Yeah, you're right. (Smiles.)
Shut up, will ya! And why can't people just say they're calm? Why say...(gestures)...they're "phlegmatic"?
They're just jerks...
Yeah.
Anyway...you have a few more days...
Yeah. You're right. Gotta be more...phlegmatic.
Yeah.
But I guess we both knew...
What am I gonna do?
Somehow...this problem went deeper than phlegm.
*
(Wayne and Wart get out of Wart's car and approach the house. Kevin and Jack are shingling the roof.)
Hey! Dad!
How was the test? Was it tough?
Well, um...about the test...
We didn't take it.
What do you mean you didn't take it?
Well, we did somethin' a little better! (Gestures.)
A lot better.
What'd you do?
Well...we've been thinkin'...
Yeah, we were thinkin'.
And, why spend four years in a college, when there's a much better way to get a career? (Smiles.)
Wayne! What did you do?!
Well, we talked it over, and -
We joined the Army! (Smiles.)
(Fade to the Arnold kitchen.)
This can't be happening! (Frowns.)
Even so, it had. My mother's worst nightmare was coming true.
Honey - you are just in high school!
Mom, we're eighteen years old. And besides, the sergeant really liked us.
Yeah! He said we were special.
Yeah!
It was unbelievable. My brother had joined the Army.
You guys are kidding, right?
No, butthead.
Which left only one sane reasonable response.
How did you come up with such a dumb, stupid, idiotic idea?!
Well, actually...it was my idea. (Smiles.)
(Jack looks at Wayne.)
And you listened to him? That's real bright. (Nods.)
Thanks! (Smiles.)
Dad...listen, you know...It's not as dumb...as it sounds. I mean, if you just think about it - it makes sense! (Frowns.) The pay is good...and besides, they'll teach us to be anything we want - mechanics, uh, engineers, uh...
Topographical specialists...(Smiles.)
Yeah!
Wart? Go home...
Well, I asked him to stay for dinner...
Goodbye, Wart.
And with those social pleasantries out of the way...
Nice seeing you folks.
(Wart smiles and gives a left-handed salute with the bread, then exits.)
It was time for the family to talk turkey.
Jack! We can't let this happen.
You didn't take your physical yet, right?
No, but, you know, that's just...(Gestures.)
(Jack looks at Norma.)
He's not in the Army.
(Jack looks at Wayne.)
Tomorrow, you'll go down there and tell 'em you changed your mind.
No, you don't understand...
You don't understand. (Frowns.) They're gonna send you off to Vietnam! They're gonna pack you up and ship you off so fast...your head's gonna spin!
That's not what the sergeant said. The sergeant said that -
What's the matter with you?! They'll tell you anything!
Well, you went to Korea.
That was different.
Why? (Gestures.) What was different about it?
Because you're a dumb young kid!
Well, you were a young dumb kid, too.
Wayne! Listen to me! You're not goin'.
Whatever you say, Dad. (Shrugs.)
And with that...so ended my brother's brief career in the military.
(Cut to the cafeteria. Wayne and Wart sit face-to-face as they bang their straws on the table simutaneously to open them.)
For the next few days...
(They put the straws in their mouth, turn toward a girl at the next table, and blow the paper from the straws at her.)
Things pretty much went back to normal. Normal for Wayne, anyway.
(A girl walks past them. Wart smiles and rolls his head around, looking at her.)

*
(Kevin and Jack are looking at the motor.)
Wayne? Wayne!
(Jack taps Wayne's arm, and holds his hand out.)
What?
(The wrench slips of Wayne's finger and clatters onto the ground. Cut to Kevin's bedroom.)
In a way, it was almost...reassuring.
Hey!
Hey.
(Wayne approaches with a box of stuff.)
What's goin' on?
Well, I was just cleaning out my room, and I...thought maybe you'd want to buy some of this stuff. Five bucks each...
Hey...that's my football.
Oh. Oh. That I'll sell ya for two.
I'm not gonna pay ya to get my own stuff back.
Fine. (Shrugs.) Take it all. Take whatever you want.
(Wayne sets the box on Kevin's bed.)
What's going on?
I, uh...I'm goin' down to take my physical, now.
What?! Wayne, you can't do this. (Frowns.)
Hey - it's my life!
Wayne?!
Yeah, but...you told Dad that you...
Well, I had to get him off my back!
(Jack enters.)
Told Dad what? (Frowns.)
Course I knew I should keep my mouth shut. Still, brotherly confidentiality was one thing...
He's going in to take his physical.
The Army...was quite another.
What are you talkin' about?
You heard him.
Uh-uh...
And suddenly...war had broken out again.
I thought we said you weren't gonna do that.
No, Dad. (Gestures.) You said...I wasn't gonna do it.
Wayne. You're not goin' anywhere.
Oh, yes I am, Dad. (Shrugs.) And this time you're not gonna stop me.
Fine.
(Wayne steps forward, and Jack pokes him on the chest.)
But if you go down there...don't expect me to get ya out of this.
Maybe Dad was bluffing...maybe not. In any event...
Bye, Dad.
This time...Wayne didn't blink.
I'm going with him, Dad.
(Cut to the AFEES Station as Wayne parks his car.)
I'm not sure why I went along. Maybe I thought I could help. Maybe I just didn't want him to go there alone.
Well...this is it.
Yeah.
Look, um...I'm not gonna be around to take care of you anymore. Well, see - the thing is...(Gestures.) Even when I'm not around...I'm gonna be around. (Nods.) I mean, I want you to have fun...uh, get into trouble...don't be...obsequious...or...phlegmatic, and, and...(frowns)...when you think of me, don't be...lugubrious.
Let's face it. The guy was no orator.
I won't.
I better get in there.
I knew there was something I should say. Some way to tell him all the things I was feeling.
Good luck.
I guess I just didn't say it very well.
(Jack drives up, then approaches Kevin.)
He still in there?
Yeah.
Takes awhile...
(Wayne finally emerges.)
Kevin, uh...let me have a minute. (Frowns.) OK?
(Jack approaches Wayne. They slow up as Wayne puts his hands in his jacket pockets.)
How'd it go?
You know...
Yeah...I remember my physical - it's a real pain in the rear. (Smiles.)
Is that what you came down to talk to me about?
Nah, I guess not. Wayne, you know I'm against this. I haven't prepared you for it...
Dad...
Let me - let me finish. I haven't prepared you for anything. You've been lookin' for my help...I don't know where I've been. I, uh...I wanted so much more for ya. I wanted -
I failed my physical. (Nods.) I've got psoriasis. They're afraid my back will really peel in the jungle. (Frowns.) Psoriasis. Can you believe that? (Shrugs.) I couldn't even do this right.
(Jack steps closer and puts his hand on Wayne's shoulder.)
It's OK...It's OK.
I just didn't know what else to do...
(Jack puts his arms around Wayne and they hug.)
Love is never simple. Not for fathers and sons. We spend our lives full of hope and expectations. And, most of the time...we're bound to fail. But that afternoon, as I watched my father sheltering his son...against a future that was so unsure...all I knew was...they didn't want to let each other down, anymore.
(Fade to the AFEES Station. Wart is standing in front of a soldier holding a clipboard.)
Name?
David Wirtshafter.
(The soldier gestures over his shoulder, and the Wart's parents walk past him. Wart approaches Wayne and Kevin.)
Hey, you buttheads. Hey, you take care of yourself.
You take care of yourself, man.
Don't take any crud from anyone. (Nods.)
I won't. (Nods.)
Wish you were coming with me! (Smiles.)
(Wart pats Wayne on the shoulder and walks past him, toward his parents waiting near the bus door.)
A few days later, Wart left for basic training.
(Wart hugs his mother.)
He spent two months at Fort Polk, Louisiana.
(Wart smiles and shakes his father's hand.)
And then, David Wirtshafter...
(Wart takes his suitcase from his father and enters the bus.)
Was shipped to Vietnam.
(Wart leans out and smiles. He gives a left-handed salute.)
A big goofy kid. Who didn't know what his future would be.

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(Ep 84 - "Of Mastodons and Men")

(Kevin is at Julie's house for dinner.)
It was nice being in a civilized home. A home where people actually said "please"...and used butter-knives. As opposed to say...
(Cut to Arnold's breakfast.)
The Arnold house. We were a house of men. A house of slobs.
(Wayne burps. Kevin burps. Jack burps.)
A house of hunters.
(Norma turns from the refrigerator and frowns, mildly disgusted. The guys turn to her and speak simultaneously.)
(Guys): 'Scuse me.
Fortunately, as it happened, there had wandered into our camp one person who did her best to look out for our best interests.
Kevin, I thought you hated that striped shirt.
Me? No - I saw it in my closet, and I think it suits me.
Well, why is the collar up?
It just so happens that some people like the way this looks, butt-brain.
Oh, oh - what people?
None of your business!
Ju-lie...Heh-heh.
(Wayne picks his teeth with a knife.)
Who's Julie?
No one.
She's got you on a...pretty short leash there, hah, Kev?
This from a guy who's last successful relationship was with a nose-hair clipper.
At least I got a girlfriend.
You're running over to her house every, uh, single day...
I for one, think Julie's very good for you, Kevin. Jack? Look how nice Kevin looks.
Why's your collar up? (Frowns.)
(Kevin sighs, and heads toward the door.)
I'm outta here.
Hey, no sense explaining myself to these cretins.
Hey, butthead? Make sure your seams are straight! (Laughs.)
After all, why wallow in abuse?

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(Ep 86 - "Hero")

(Jack is working on a report in the dining room.)
There it was...portrait of the worker ant. His nose to the grindstone...and the weight of the world on his shoulders. Not that we didn't appreciate him...
(Wayne turns toward Kevin and grabs the newspaper.)
Gimme the sports section.
Nah - I'm readin' it.
(They struggle over the paper.)
Give it!
No!
(Jack frowns.)
We just had more important things on our minds.
Hey...Hey! Hey!
(Kevin and Wayne pause. Jack frowns at them.)
I thought you were supposed to be studying.
Well, I am.
(Wayne pushes Kevin away, and Kevin picks up the newspaper.)
I'm just taking a little break. And reading about the team this week. You know, Dad - you really ought to check out a game.
I don't have time. (Nods.) Somebody's gotta put the food on the table.
(Wayne holds up a potato chip and smiles, then pops it into his mouth.)
Thanks, Dad. (Smiles.)

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(Ep 87 - "Lunch Stories")

(At lunch, Donnelly has asked Kevin to ditch class and drive them to an X-rated movie. Kevin declined.)
Let's face it - I wasn't the "ditching" type. I was more your average, everyday...
(Wayne snatches Kevin's soda.)
Thanks, butthead.
Victim.
Hey!
I need this, OK?!
Buy your own!
It's not for me! It's for...him.
(They look at Maniac sitting a lone at a table.)
We called him "Maniac". You know the type. You never knew where he came from, what he was thinking...how many family members he might have killed...
(Nerd-Boy sets his tray down, and starts to pull out a chair. Maniac looks at him. Nerd-Boy walks away.)
Some guys bet me twenty bucks I couldn't find out Maniac's real name. Heh-heh.
And you think a can of soda's gonna do it?
Nah-nah-nah. This's just the ice-breaker.
You're out of your mind.
Hey. For twenty bucks, I'd lick the paint off our house with my tongue.
(Wayne laughs as they look at each other.)
I got news for ya. A year later - he did it, for ten.
Ah! Here we are.
(Maniac looks up a Wayne takes a seat opposite him.)
Hi! You don't know me, but, uh, I'm Wayne Arnold, and...you would be?
(Wayne holds his hand out. Maniac looks at him.)
Here. Bottoms up! Heh-heh.

*
(Wayne and Maniac are at the table. Food is scattered all around Maniac's tray.)
So, I...notice you eat alone all the time. Bet you'd like some friends. Heh.
(Maniac is holding a Twinkie, poking it with a large pocket-knife.)
Hey, I got an idea! Maybe if I...knew your name, I could introduce you around, you know...get to know some people. (Gestures.)
(Maniac looks at Wayne, and pokes his Twinkie.)
So, you have any hobbies?
(Some of his Twinkie falls onto his tray.)
*
Look! I'll level with you. I made a bet for twenty dollars, that I could find out your name. Now, I'll give you...
(Maniac looks at him. Wayne pulls a bill from his pocket and spreads it on the table.)
Ten bucks right now...
(Wayne frowns and points. Maniac looks at him.)
If you will just tell me your name! Please!
(Wayne bites his nails and glances around.)
Florence.
(Wayne pauses, then looks at him and frowns.)
Excuse me?
My name's Florence.
(Florence slowly grabs the money.)
Florence. Well, thanks a lot! (Smiles.) I'll never forget this, Florence! Hee.
Just one thing. If I find out you told anyone, I swear I'll kill you.
(Florence frowns and flips open his knife, and sticks it in the table. Wayne frowns.)

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(Ep 89 - "The Lost Weekend"

(Clips of sperm, eggs, and embryos.)
Genetics. The heartbeat of heredity...the lynch-pin of the family. Parents supply their children with the same basic building blocks. The same blood types. The same involuntary responses. The same essential gene-pool. Yet, despite all this potential for similarity...sometimes things get confused. Sometimes, Mother Nature, in all her wry sense of humor...
(Fade to the bathroom. Kevin is brushing his hair in front of the mirror.)
Goes off and creates...
Move, butthead.
(Wayne bumps Kevin sideways away from the mirror. Wayne has toothpaste all over his lips and dribbling down his chin.)
Total and complete opposites.
Try to get some toothpaste in your mouth - it might help, buttbreath.
(Kevin brushes his hair as Wayne brushes his teeth, and spits in the sink.)
Like me and my brother, Wayne. It was hard to believe we ever occupied the same womb.
That's disgusting. (Frowns.)
Where's the deodorant?
You haven't even showered yet.
Well, I'm...dry-cleaning.
(Wayne sticks the deodorant under his robe and applies it.)
The only thing we had in common...
(Wayne sticks his toothbrush in his mouth, switches the deodorant to his other hand, and sticks it under his robe.)
Was our complete and utter contempt for one another.
(Wayne flaps his arms, then puts the cap on the deodorant and tosses it into the drawer. Kevin frowns.)
You're really gross. You know that?
So? (Shrugs.)
(Jack approaches the doorway.)
Wayne?! How many times I have to tell ya to leave my things alone?
I'm sorry, Dad. Uh, it'll never happen again.
All in all...
(Jack frowns, then turns and walks away. Kevin chuckles.)
My brother and I were just two different branches...on the family tree. Me, the good branch...Wayne...tThe dead-end.
(Wayne spits toothpaste into the sink.)
*
(Wayne and Kevin are eating breakfast. Jack and Norma are getting ready to leave.)
April, 1972. History was being made. For the first time in our lives, our parents were leaving us alone for the weekend. To us it meant freedom, independence.
Boys? The white casserole dish is for tonight, and the cold-cuts are for Saturday.
And, of course, instructions.
Right, Mom. (Nods.)
There's a list of chores on the fridge. I want them done when we get back.
Right, Dad. (Smiles.)
And Wayne...don't leave your towels by the heater while we're gone...(Nods.)
I won't! (Frowns.)
You did last week, and look what happened.
W-I put it out!
Wayne!
Honey - we better go.
Yeah.
And you have the number where we'll be...
Right, Mom.
Right, Mom.
(Jack walks toward the door with a large valise.)
And don't forget those chores!
(Norma opens the door and exits. Jack pauses behind her and looks toward the boys.)
And don't tie up the line in case we want to call you.
(Jack takes a step through the door, then pauses and looks back at the boys.)
And I don't want a lot of kids over here while we're gone this weekend - ya got that?!
Dad! (Frowns.) We're not babies, anymore - we can take care of ourselves.
Well, in a manner of speaking, anyway.
(Jack sighs and exits.)
Don't worry, Dad...I'll look after him...
(Jack leans in and frowns. Cut to the driveway. Jack and Norma are getting ready to leave. Wayne and Kevin walk out to watch.)
Not that as loyal loving children we weren't going to miss our parents...
Dad? (Smiles.)
Yeah?
You gonna give us any money? (Gestures.)
Here's a twenty. It's the smallest I got. Split it. (Nods.)
Thanks. (Smiles.)
(Wayne chuckles and turns away.)
Are you sure you two boys are gonna be alright?
Yeah, Mom. Have a good time. (Gestures.)
Yeah. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. (Laughs.)
(Kevin and Wayne smile and wave as the car drives off.)
Bye!
(Wayne smiles and waves again.)
And with that...
(Norma leans out her window as the car pulls forward.)
Don't be late for school!
My parents were gone. Leaving us to defend the Arnold family fortress.
Well...I'm outta here.
Wait a minute. You're going to school early?
No! (Frowns.) There's no school today - it's a holiday. It's national "parents go away day."
(Wayne makes a face and chuckles, then walks away.)
Ta-ta, scrote!
So much for defending the old fortress...
Hey!
(Kevin hurries toward Wayne at his car.)
Hey, what about my money? Wayne, ya owe me ten bucks! (Gestures.)
Oh!
(Wayne smiles and slaps his pockets, then gestures.)
Fresh out of change. (Smiles.)
Wayne! (Gestures.)
I'm sorry. (Frowns.) It'll never happen again. (Smiles.)
(Wayne gets in and sits down, then looks over his shoulder and smiles.)
Don't wait up for me, honey.
(Wayne starts the car and pulls away, with a loud backfire. He smiles and waves.)
*
(Next morning in the kitchen. Wayne is in his bathrobe, getting juice from the refrigerator.)
My brother. The slug.
(Kevin is sitting at the table, looking at the list of chores.)
Nice of you to get out of bed, butthead.
Shut up, troll. Besides, what's the hurry?
(Wayne sips from the carton.)
Well, for one thing, it's eleven o'clock...
What? (Gestures.) What do you have a plane to catch? (Frowns.)
No...
(Kevin looks over his shoulder and holds up the list.)
But Dad did leave some chores for us to do.
Oh. (Gestures.)
(Wayne looks at the list.)
Wax Wayne's car. Heh-heh.
(Wayne snatches the list and looks at it.)
That's not on the list, Nimrod. (Frowns.)
Hmm.
(Wayne reaches for the pencil on the table, hands the carton of juice to Kevin, walks over to the counter, and writes on the list.)
It is now.
(Wayne hands the list back to Kevin.)
There ya go. (Chuckles.)
Wayne...we have to get this stuff done!
Sorry - I made other plans. (Smiles.)
Well, I made other plans, too, ya know!
Like what?
Well...I'm having a party here, tonight.
You're having a party. What are you gonna do - rent a pony? (Frowns.)
No. (Gestures.) Just some of the guys are comin' over to play poker.
That's not a party! (Frowns.) That's a butthead convention!
(Wayne walks to the refrigerator and puts the juice away.)
Hold on, here.
Hey! (Frowns.) What are you doing tonight that's so great?!
(Wayne turns near the doorway.)
Well, it just so happens...
(Wayne reaches to both sides and rest his hands on the counters.)
There's a guy from North Central, who's having a beer-blast, so...don't leave the light on for me. (Smiles.)
Fine! I won't.
(Wayne points with both hands and makes a face, then exits.)
*
It was six A.M. when the last guest left. After three hours of cleaning, I'd barely scratched the surface. It was like trying to straighten up after Woodstock. Still...
(Sound of Wayne's car squealing to a stop outside. Kevin looks up suddenly, worried.)
It wasn't the cigarette-burns or carpet-stains that worried me most.
Hey, butthead - are you home?
(Wayne walks into the dining room and pauses in disbelief.)
Oh...my...god.
(Wayne smiles slightly as he glances around.)
What happened?!
(Wayne takes a few steps forward, looking at the floor in disbelief.)
Shut up, Wayne!
(Wayne holds out both arms.)
This is unbelievable. (Laughs.) Man, are you in trouble!
(Wayne walks forward, bends down, and picks up a piece of pizza, holding it out, laughing.)
You think so?
There's no doubt about it!
(Wayne laughs and tosses the pizza toward the door.)
What am I gonna do?
(Wayne holds some kind of utensil which has pizza and stuff on the end of it. He pulls a cigarette out of the food and gestures suavely with it.)
Well, uh, if it were up to me...
(Wayne snaps the utensil downward, flinging the food to the floor.)
I'd probably kill myself. (Frowns.)
(Wayne tosses the utensil away.)
Wayne - you gotta help me.
(Wayne picks up an empty beer bottle from the coffee table, and pats Kevin on the shoulder.)
Hey - relax! (Gestures.) The folks don't get home till four...and that gives you about three hours...to get the place in shape...(Giggles.)
(Wayne walks toward the front door.)
What a comfort.
Wayne, where are you going? Aren't you gonna give me a hand? (Gestures.)
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm all booked up this afternoon.
(Wayne pokes Kevin in the chest and smiles, then exits.)
Clearly...it was time for a last-minute desperate plea.
(Kevin hurries after Wayne. Outside, Wayne is on the walkway, smiling with his hands on his hips, as Kevin catches up next to him.)
Wayne! Wayne, come on - you gotta help me!
(Wayne yawns and takes a few steps forward, looking off.)
You know...I actually think this is gonna be good for you.
And I guess that's when I realized...
(They pause at the edge of the driveway.)
Wayne Arnold - my brother...my own flesh-and-blood - had the heart...of a toadstool.
Fine! If you don't want to help me, then I'll do it myself! (Gestures.)
Hey, I didn't need him. I didn't need anyone.
(Sound of a car horn. Kevin and Wayne look toward the street. Jack's car approaches.)
Except maybe a priest. Or a registered nurse.
Boy...
(Wayne looks at Kevin, then back toward the car and dramatically nods.)
This really isn't your day.
(Wayne raises his arm over his head and waves.)
Hi!
(Wayne walks toward the car in the driveway.)
Thanks.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. You guys are home a bit early.
Well, you know your father...
Yeah, good old Dad.
Everything OK?
Yeah. Everything's fine.
(Wayne turns over his shoulder to Kevin.)
How about you, Kev? (Smiles.)
But somehow...there were just no words to express it.
(Kevin shrugs and smiles. Norma kisses Wayne and Kevin on the cheek, then walks toward the house. Jack follows.)
Well, I'm goin' in. You boys bring in the luggage. It's good to be home.
And so, it came down to this. A tragic end to the age of innocence. A farewell to the era...
(Wayne approaches with the large valise and a smaller bag.)
Of parental trust.
(Wayne pauses, and waits for Kevin to look at him.)
Maybe they won't notice.
(Wayne laughs as he holds out the bags, giving Kevin the larger one. Kevin hesitates, then follows Wayne to the house.)
The thing is...I was prepared for the yelling, screaming, the gnashing of teeth.
(Kevin pauses in the doorway, behind Wayne. )
But what I wasn't prepared for was...the complete and utter silence.
(Norma bends down and picks up a couch cushion. She shakes the cushion, looking at the floor. Jack leans down to the coffee table, holds up a piece of pizza with a cigarette stuck in it, and looks at it.)
What happened?! (Frowns.)
Well, maybe this was justice. A pay-back for all the times I'd laughed at Wayne...when he got in trouble.
I don't believe this. (Frowns.)
In any case...there was no way out.
Look...Dad. I know you're angry...And...you have every right to be, because...
Kevin! (Points.) You stay out of this! (Frowns.)
What?
Wayne...(Frowns.) How could you do somethin' like this?!
(Wayne frowns and looks off, then at Kevin, then back to Jack, and shakes his head.)
What?! (Frowns.)
No...(frowns)...Dad...
Wayne! I want an answer - I want an answer now!
Course, he should have told. It was the moment he had been waiting for his whole life.
I'm sorry. It'll never happen again.
But he didn't. I'm not sure why he didn't. Maybe he saw it was futile to try to explain. Maybe he knew how much harder my parents would be on me...than on him. Or maybe he forgot, and though he really did it.
We'll talk about this later, Wayne. Right now...(points down)...start cleaning this mess up.
(Wayne nods slightly and looks down. Norma glances over the floor. Jack walks toward the kitchen. Norma turns slowly and follows. She pauses at the crooked picture at the kitchen doorway. She straightens it, but it hangs crooked again, as she walks into the kitchen.)
Or just maybe...for that one afternoon...
Wayne...
My brother saw in me, a little bit of himself.
(Wayne smiles and nods slightly.)
You know...you really are a butthead.
(Wayne walks to the living room, picks up a paper sack from the couch, and more trash. Kevin picks up some trash from the table near the door. Fade to the driveway. Wayne approaches his car, carrying a large trash bag.)
Growing up brothers is kind of a mixed bag. Strangers. Warriors.
(Kevin is wiping Wayne's car with a rag.)
Enemies. Idiots. Friends. One day you fight to the death. The next...you'd lay down your lives for each other. I never did say "thanks" to Wayne...
(Wayne looks at Kevin, then skips off, then runs toward the house.)
For what he did. But I washed his Corvair. And waxed it, too. I figured, hey - any guy who did that...
(Wayne walks out carrying another trash bag.)
Deserved a shiny car.

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(Ep 90 - "Stormy Weather")

(Karen has returned in the middle of the night.)
Still, for some reason...there was something about this night that was just a tad more baffling than usual.
Is that Karen? (Frowns.)
No, butthead - it's Santa Claus.
Oh...
*
(In the kitchen, Karen doesn't want to "talk about it".)
I'm going to bed.
What bed?
What bed?
The one in my room...(gestures)...of course. (Exits.)
She's taking my room! (Gestures.) Mom...
Honey...don't worry, you can sleep in Kevin's room.
Mom! Wait!
And there ya had it.
Mom!
Can't she sleep in the garage?
No.
In one burst of confusion, Karen had blown back into our house...and completely rearranged our lives.
*
(Morning in the kitchen.)
I did not.
Ya did so.
That wasn't me...
Yes it was, troll. You snore tonight, you lose your tongue.
(Wayne takes a muffin from Kevin.)
Me?
(Kevin reaches for the muffin.)
What about you?
(They start to slap each other's hands.)
Hey. Hey! Hey!!
(They look at Jack and settle down.)
Knock it off.
All in all, it was kind of a restless night.
(Karen enters.)
Morning!
For some of us, anyway.
Good morning, honey. How'd ya sleep?
Great.
So, Karen...what happened last night?
Michael and I got into an argument.
And?
D'you guys have any orange juice? (Frowns.)
Karen...(Frowns.)
Look - It's really very simple...I just decided things weren't working between me and Michael. So, I'm moving out.
Now, considering Karen had been shacking up with the guy for a year...this was no small news.
Honey...does this mean you're gonna be moving back into the college dorms? (Frowns.)
Not exactly. (Frowns.) As a matter of fact...(gestures)...I was thinking of moving back here. (Nods.)
(K & W): What?!
I'm goin' out to the garage. (Exits.)
Needless to say, it was a decision not without repercussions. For all of us.
(Jack looks at Norma.)
What's goin' on, here?
I'm not sure she knows what she's doing. (Frowns.)
(Wayne points and looks at Norma.)
Well, somebody better go talk to her.
(He looks at Jack and nods slightly.)
After all, moving out was one thing...moving back in was quite another.
*
(The guys have gone to get Karen's stuff from Michael.)
Where's Karen?
She, ummm...
She couldn't be here.
She kinda asked us to, uh...
We came to get her loot.
(Kevin elbows Wayne.)
Well, we did, didn't we? (Frowns.)
And with that, we were through the gates and onto the deck.
(Wayne follows Kevin in and they look around.)
Of the Titanic.
(Sound of a deep ship's horn.)
*
(Upstairs in the house.)
It was time to get packing. Not that that was gonna be easy...in the middle of the lucky couple's bedroom.
So...this is were it all happened. (Nods.)
Sorry. Didn't have a chance to make the bed.
Clearly, there was only one thing to do. Load up, and move out.
So...(smiles)...where do we start?
(Wayne approaches Michael, holding up a camping tent.)
How about this?
That's our tent. (Frowns.) Karen and I were supposed to go to Mount Pine next week...for our first anniversary.
*
(Michael followed the guys back to the Arnold house, and invited himself to dinner.)
You know, Michael, I...really wasn't expecting you here. (Smiles.)
Yeah...I guess not. (Snorts.)
So...(smiles)...why are you here? (Nods.)
I...
Simple. Uh, Dad invited him.
What?! (Frowns.)
No, Norma. I, uh...didn't...invite him.
*
(During dinner, Karen asked Michael to leave, which he did.)
And there ya had it. It was as if a tornado had blown through our house. And left no survivors.
(Norma sets her napkin down and looks at Jack.)
Would you mind getting the dishes, Jack? (Frowns.)
(She stands and exits after Karen. Wayne looks at Jack.)
Dad, can I have his roll? (Points.)
(Kevin punches Wayne on the shoulder.)
*
For the rest of that day...nobody really said much. For some reason, we all pretty much kept to ourselves. The funny thing is...you'd think a marriage proposal would bring a family together. But this was nineteen-seventy-two.
(Kevin and Wayne are sleeping. A light shines briefly into the room. Sound of an idling motorcycle is heard.)
Things had gotten very complicated.
(Kevin gets up and sees Michael outside. Wayne rises onto his elbow.)
What's goin' on?
I don't know. (Frowns.)
(Michael walks onto the yard, carrying the tent slung over his shoulder, then pauses.)
It was kinda like watching the Marines land at Omaha beach.
(Michael drops the tent onto the ground.)
*
(Everyone is looking through the window at Michael as he pitches the tent.)
Michael. Have you lost your mind? Michael!
But somehow, the guy didn't appear in the mood for conversation.
(Wayne approaches and stands next to Kevin and points.)
He's lost it. (Frowns.)
*
(Later in the kitchen.)
There we were. Prisoners in our own house. Bunkered down at three AM, while some maniac banged tent-poles into our flower patch.
Ya know, this is stupid! (frowns.) Ya know that, don't ya? I mean, are we just gonna sit here all night? We can't. Right? I mean, that would be idiotic. So, I think we should do something.
There. It was a clear and bold call for action.
Mom? Is there any more meatloaf? (Frowns.)

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(Ep 91 - "The Wedding")

(In Karen and Michael's VW van. Kevin, Norma and Jack are in back, and Wayne is behind them.)
So, what do you think? (Smiles.)
(Norma moves some beads aside. The car backfires.)
It's...nice honey. (Smiles.)
Yeah! We got a real deal on it. Michael's gonna paint it and fix it up. Aren't you, Michael?
Uh, yeah. Sure.
Well...whatever you do...don't get rid of the mattress back here.
(Wayne makes a little face, and and "OK" sign with his fingers.)
Face it. The Arnold family was undergoing...a radical shift.
Everybody comfortable?
(Kevin, Norma and Jack shift around uncomfortably.)
We were in a period of readjustment. A state of...flux.
*
But even I knew enough about weddings to know they weren't about getting married.
(Cut to the tuxedo store. Kevin, Wayne and Jack face a full-length mirror, adjusting their suits.)
They were more about...
I feel like a monkey. (Gestures.)
Making total fools of ourselves.
(Wayne adjusts his collar.)
You look like a monkey.
In public.
*
(In the living room, Norma adjusts Karen's dress, and looks at Jack.)
What do you think, Jack? (Smiles.)
Well...
(Jack leans back in his chair. Wayne stands up and puts his hand on Jack's arm.)
Don't ask him...(gestures)...he just pays the bills. (Gestures.)
*
(In the car to the reception before the wedding.)
Little did my parents know their only daughter...was about to be whisked away to an igloo, in the land of the midnight sun.
Do you have the check, honey?
(Jack pats his jacket pocket.)
Right here.
(Wayne leans forward.)
Check? What check? (Frowns.)
For Karen and Michael. A little wedding gift.
How much is it?
Never mind. It's for a down payment when they find a house.
(Wayne sighs and looks down, then leans back.)
*
(Karen is making introductions.)
And these are my friends...Rainbow and Wind.
(Karen turns and stands between Wayne and Jack.)
My family. (Gestures.)
We were kinda like strangers in a strange land.
It's...nice to meet you...Wind.
No, no...(gestures)...I'm Rainbow. (Gestures.) This is Wind.
(Wind blows some air out, gestures in a rolling motion, and smiles.)
Oh, yeah?
(Wayne gestures toward Kevin with his thumb.)
And this is Butthead. (Smiles.)
*
That night, we joined together to celebrate the next day's wedding. Sure, maybe it wasn't exactly the kind of bash my parents had in mind. But in its own funky way...it was...classic.
(Norma turns toward Michael and Karen.)
The food is wonderful. (Smiles.)
Oh, thanks, Mrs. Arnold. (Smiles.)
(Wayne reaches across Kevin.)
Yep - the grub is great.
(Wayne takes a bite from a piece of bread.)
*
(Jack and Norma have just found out Karen is going to move to Alaska. Now, Kevin joins them in the kitchen.)
I, uh...(Gestures.)
I wasn't quite sure what to say. Except maybe...
(Wayne brushes past him, looks at Norma, and points to his plate of cake.)
Is there any ice cream in here? (Frowns.)
(Norma looks at the dishes as Jack looks off and shakes his head slightly.)
Shut up, butthead.
Oh...

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(Ep 92 - "Back to the Lake")

As for me that summer of 1972, I was sixteen. Still young enough to bask in the pleasures of summer. The real delights...
(Kevin is drinking from a jar of orange juice when he spots Wayne sulkily stirring his food.)
The harbingers of doom.
Wayne, what's the matter with you?
None of your business, dork.
(To Jack): What is he, sick?
Worse.
He got a job.
Oh.
Your father found Wayne a position at NORCOM.
On the loading dock. (Frowns.)
You're kidding!
It was grim. Within hours of his graduation, my brother had been Shanghai'd by the American workforce.
Well, congratulations butthead. I'm sure it will be good for you.
Shut up, scrote.
Not that I wasn't sympathetic. Still, it was about time the Wayner got a taste of the old Puritan work ethic.
(Kevin sits at the table.)
Ah, come on Wayne, don't look so miserable. (He taps Wayne.)
One more word, and I swear I'll kill you.
Ooohh...
Here you go, honey.
(Norma brings some food.)
I mean after all, this was Wayne's problem, not mine.
And how about you?
Until of course, it was.
Me?
You. What are you going to do for a summer job?
Well...uh...I, uh.
(Sound effects as Jack swats the folded newspaper down onto the table.)
Oh, God.
(Sound effects as Jack slides the paper toward Kevin.)
Here they came.
(Sound of gongs.)
Those two words which meant death to summer fun.
Start looking.
(Wayne leans over and pats Kevin's shoulder.)
Eee-ee.

See also "Full Transcript"



(Ep 93 - "Broken Hearts and Burgers")

When you're twelve years old, and a guy, the whole subject of women tends to be pretty much a mystery. Communications with the opposite sex are still kinda rudimentary. Still, little by little, you begin to catch on. Until, by the time you leave junior high school, you're right back where you started. Yeah, you're on top of your game, the pinnacle of poise, the essence of cool.
(Winnie is in a jealousy snit. Kevin is waiting for her outside the ladies' room.)
Butthead! Watcha doin'?
None of your business.
Yeah, I heard the Coopster dumped ya.
She didn't dump me!
(Winnie and girls exit single file and walk past Kevin.)
Winnie!
(Winnie's girlfriend) We're not talking to you...
Yeah, you're right, Kev, the girl's all over you.
Bug off, Wayne!
Hey, man, I'm sorry. Really!
Yeah, right.
No, no, I am - I've been there.
Yeah?
Sure. Lotsa times. Hey, I got an idea - maybe I should go over and talk to her for ya.
No, no, really, Wayne.
Come on, I'm your brother! Who else you gonna turn to?
Well...
And of course the guy did have a point. I mean, he was family...or so my parents told me. Come to think of it, much of my early formal education in the subtleties of male-female relationships came from a guy who was even more ignorant than I was. Which isn't to say the Wayner didn't mean well enough. Still, the truth was, when it came to Winnie Cooper - I'd always been a desperate man.
Come on, I won't say anything. Lemme just do this.
And sometimes desperate times require desperate measures.
OK.
(Wayne approaches Winnie.)
Winnie! Hi!
(Wayne sits opposite Winnie, frowns in thought, then gestures. Some dramatic music plays.)
Here's the deal...(Gestures.)
Besides, think of it this way - when the whole world hands in the balance, the help often comes from the least likely places.
I think you oughta...
(Winnie slaps Wayne.)
Creep!
Huhh...
(Wayne returns.)
She's all yours!

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(Ep 94 - "Homecoming")

(Wayne enters the kitchen after work.)
Hey, suckers! What's for dinner?
Well...
(Wayne moves the refrigerator.)
Never mind - that's alright. I'll just make somethin' myself!
My brother, Wayne. He'd gone to work in the mail-room at Dad's company, NORCOM.
(Wayne pulls out bread and mustard. Norma, with ther hands on her hips, and Jack, look toward Wayne.)
Eighty-nine-fifty a week, take-home.
Don't forget to unwrap that before ya eat it.
(Wayne takes the milk from Kevin and taps him on the nose with it.)
Vanish, scrote!
(Wayne laughs and looks at the milk, then walks off.)
And not only that, he'd moved into new digs.
(Wayne descends the basement stairs.)
His own personal, customized, rat's nest.
(Wayne flips on radio which plays some loud rock-and-roll, and flops onto his back on the bed.)
He was happy as a clam in mud.
(In the kitchen, Wayne's music can be heard.)
Well, I...guess it's only three for dinner. (Smiles.)
*
(NORCOM Lot. Wayne is pushing a large mail-cart across the asphalt. Sound of a steam-whistle.)
Things were happening. Things that mattered.
Hey, Wayne!
Things that made men out of boys.
(Wart, dressed in a soldier uniform, stands near a fence, smiling. He salutes. Wayne smiles and claps his hands together.)
What's up?
Hey, man!
(They shake hands and hug. Cut to the Arnold living room.)
David! Look at you!
Wart! Heh-heh.
(Jack and Wart shake hands.)
It's good to see you!
Thanks. It's good to be back. (Smiles.)
Look at all those medals. Were you wounded?
Ah, it's nothin' really.
Yeah, Mom - he's fine. (Nods.)
Yeah! (Smiles.)
It was awesome. Wayne's pal, Dave Wirtshafter, had left for Vietnam a goofy kid...and he came back...a hero.
So...was it bad?
Well, you know...(Smiles.)
(Wart looks toward Kevin and nods.)
Hey, man! You haven't changed a bit! (Smiles.)
Yeah! Well, uh....I got my driver's license! (Smiles.) On the first try. (Smiles.)
That's great! (Smiles.)
Yeah...
Well...we're all very proud of you, son. Very proud.
Yeah! And hey! I got a new room in the basement. It's really cool - you wanna see it? (Smiles.)
(Wayne holds a bottle of soda out toward Wart.)
Yeah, sure!
*
(At the diner.)
I don't believe it. How could I blow it like that? We had it...and then...I mean, I blew it! Right?
Fact! The great owl heist had been a bust.
Hey, aren't you going to say anything?
You got some ketchup on your shirt.
Hey, I hear you blew it last night, huh, big guy?
Uh-oh.
What?
Oh, it's all over town. Some bozos tried to raid Central High.
What makes you think it was me?
Oh, intuition. Plus the guard said he saw a car with some stupid dragon on the side. Nice going, "Double-Oh-Seven".
(Wayne takes Kevin's drink as he walks away.)
Thanks.
*
(Still at the diner. Some guys are asking Wart about his war experience.)
So, what was it like?
Was it scary?
Well, you know...(shrugs)...it wasn't really much.
Are you kiddin'? (Frowns.) This guy was everywhere! Tell em, Wart.
Well, I spent a little time in *Ple Ku*, and *Kwan Tri*...and down in the delta. Hey, but I did my R and R in Hong Kong (Smiles.) Hah, that was somethin'! (Smiles.)
Yeah, that was somethin'. There was this place...(Gestures.)
(Kevin watches them, frowning.)
Look at that. The way my brother was grand-standing...you'd think he'd been driving a tank...instead of pushing a mail-cart.
So'd you kill anybody?
What? Uh, no.
(Wart frowns and looks down. He frowns again and shakes his head.)
Nothin' like that.
Yeah? What are you talkin' about? (Smiles.) It was nothin' like that.
(Wayne and Wart look at each other, and laugh a little.)
OK, everybody - show's over. Heh. Bye, bye now. Have fun. Don't forget your homework. Don't stay up too late. Tell your sister I say hi.
Hey, you know, I was thinkin'...(Frowns.) Maybe I ought to change out of my clothes. Get into my civvies. Right?
Yeah, alright. (Nods.) And I'll pick you up tonight - we'll go to the game.
There's a game?
Yeah! (Shrugs.) It'll be fun - we'll goof it. (Smiles.)
Alright - sure! (Smiles.)
(Wayne picks up Wart's hat.)
Lemme try this on...
*
(Under the bleachers at the homecoming game, Kevin sees Wart by himself.)
The funny thing is, out of uniform...he looked like the old..goofy...Wart.
Gangway, scrote!
(Wayne barges past Kevin.)
Watch it, butthead! (Frowns.)
Hey! (Points.) It's "Mr. Butthead" to you, OK?
(Wayne and Wart look at each other and chuckle.)
(On the P.A.): Murderer!
(Wart looks off.)
What was that?
Uh...
(Wayne looks toward Kevin.)
Nothin'.
(Wayne looks at Wart, glances at Kevin, then looks at Wart.)
Hey, forget it - it didn't mean anything, OK?
Yeah...They probably just...
Yeah, sure. Hey, listen - I'm gonna take a walk, OK?
OK, well I'll go with you. (Gestures.)
Nah, that's OK. Um, I'm gonna check out the old school. I'll be back. (Gestures.) Really - save my seat! (Smiles and exits.)
Yeah, OK, well... (gestures)...I'll seeya there!
What the heck. You had to figure where he'd been, the guy could take care of himself.
*
(Later, Kevin is at the baseball field, carrying the stolen owl in his jacket.)
Wart? (Frowns.) Wart? Is that you? Wart! Hey...this is perfect! (Smiles.) I got it. I got their mascot. I got the owl. (Smiles.)
And I guess that's when I saw it clearly. He was sitting on that bench...on the third-base line. And his clothes were in a little pile on the ground.
Oh, God. (Frowns.)
(Wayne is behind a chain-link fence, looking at Wart.)
Wart? Wart?!
(Wayne hesitates, then looks at Kevin. Wayne pushes the gate open and approaches Wart.)
Wart, whatchya doin', man?
Nothin'.
Hey, man...it looks like you lost your clothes...
(Wart is looking down, as tears drip off his nose. He hesitates, then nods slightly.)
I know.
(He hesitates, then snorts, then turns and looks toward Wayne.)
Nothin' seems to fit anymore.
(Wayne frowns and looks down. He looks toward Wart, then down again. Wart looking down. Wayne looks at Wart, then unbuttons his shirt, then pulls it off. Wart is looking down.)
Here ya go...
(Wayne holds his shirt out. Wart looks at it.)
Wear mine.
(Wart looks at the shirt. He glances between Wayne and the shirt, and starts to cry. Wart stands up and hugs Wayne. Wayne puts his arms around him.)
It's OK. It's OK...
They say men are children. But, sometimes...children are men. Maybe that's where the confusion lies. All I knew was...that night...the world seemed suddenly very big. And I felt very small. So I did what I could.
(Kevin kneels down and lets the owl fly off.)

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(Ep 95 - "Fishing")

(In the early morning, the guys are loading the car with fishing equipment.)
Got everything?
I think so.
Yeah.
Ah, lemme check.
Every few years, Dad would round up the poles and boots and his old Army tent from the attic...and pack us off for a weekend at Berlinger Falls. Not that we had a choice in the matter.
OK. Looks like we got it all. Everybody ready?
No.
(Jack frowns at Wayne.)
Yes.
Right, Dad. (Nods.) We're ready.
Good. Let's get started.
So, that fall of nineteen-seventy-two...we headed off for our first expedition since I was twelve.
(At the car door, Kevin and Wayne jostle each other.)
I get the front seat.
I get the front. (Frowns.)
Just get in the car!
Fine. Then I get the back seat. (Laughs.) Sucker.
(Wayne flops into the back seat, puts his hands behind his head and laughs at Kevin.)
Butthead.
The funny thing is...
(Kevin opens the front door and gets in.)
Of all the trips we ever made...
(Jack starts the car and begins to pull out of the driveway.)
It's the one I remember most. Not because it was the best...or the worst...
(The car drives off.)
Are we there, yet?
Wayne...
Hey - just asking.
But because...it was the last.
*
(On the road.)
Gee, Dad...(frowns)...you think you could drive a little bit slower?
What are ya talkin' about? (Frowns.) I'm drivin' fifty-five.
Whoa...
Not that bickering in the bucket was anything new to us.
Kevin, I said turn down that music.
Why? (Frowns.)
It's too loud.
It is not. (Frowns.)
(Jack frowns at Kevin.)
Still this time...
(Kevin frowns and turns down the radio. Wayne looks at a small bottle.)
It was clear something had changed. Something hard to define.
Who thought of this stupid trip, anyway? (Frowns.)
What's that supposed to mean?
(Wayne sniffs the open jar and frowns.)
Means why are we going?
Fortunately, when it came to questions of cosmic dimensions...the old man was a pro.
Look. I took a day off, I got you two a day off...and now we're goin' fishin'. And it's all I want to hear.
(Jack looks at Kevin.)
Understood?
Got it.
(Wayne frowns and shrugs.)
*
(At Ed's bait shop.)
OK - fan out. We need hooks, leaders, waders and lures.
Wait a minute.
(Kevin and Wayne look at each other.)
Uh, Dad? (Gestures.) How 'bout some food? (Frowns.)
Food?
Yeah. You know - to eat.
What are ya talkin' about? We don't need food. (Frowns.) We're gonna catch fish!
(Kevin and Wayne look at Jack.)
Get beans. (Frowns.)
Yeah. (Points.) And beer.
Yeah. (Smiles.)
Yeah.
And soda for Kevin.
*
(The guys are at the register as a female cashier approaches.)
Where's Ed?
Ed?
You know - Ed. Runs this place - nice old guy.
Oh...he's dead. Boating accident. Couple years ago.
Hmmmm.
Well...send him our regards, anyway.
(Jack frowns and elbows Wayne.)

*
(The car is slowly approaching on an overgrown dirt road which was closed the previous summer. Branches and leaves drag across the car. Wayne frowns and leans away from the window, raising his arms slightly.)
I can't believe this. (Frowns.)
Dad, you sure you know what you're doin'? (Frowns.)
What are ya talkin' about? It's just a few leaves.
(Jack is jostled in his seat as the car hits some bumps.)
Even though it was more like the whole forest.
Ya know...
(Wayne rolls up the window.)
Maybe we oughtta...scrap this plan. Head for home. What do ya think?
Yeah, I think he's got a point. (Frowns.)
Seemed clear to us. Some things were meant to be - some weren't.
Don't be ridiculous. We've come this far...we're not turnin' back.
But, Dad...we don't even know where we are.
Course we do. I never get lost.
And so...thanks to Dad's built-in compass, and a lot of good luck...
(The car bogs down to a stop. Shot from behind the car as the camera rises slowly to reveal a small river and some trees.)
We finally arrived. Three hours later.
Well, we're here.
Oh, good.
Yeah. (Nods.) Great.
So? (Smiles.) What d'ya think?
But what could we say? We'd been Shanghai'd from our beds...hauled through the woods and dumped here. And for what?
It's perfect, isn't it? Just like it always was.
And the funny thing is, at that moment...seeing it through Dad's eyes...suddenly that stupid little spot didn't seem all that bad.
It's OK. (Nods.)
Not bad.
And, there was only one more thing to say.
Let's get movin'. Time to make camp. (Smiles.)
*
(In the evening, Jack, Wayne and Kevin are sitting around the fire, playing cards.)
Don't worry. Tomorrow we'll get up early and catch us a mess of fish. Right?
Sure, Dad.
(Jack draws a card and Wayne burps loudly.)
Um...
(He waves his hand in front of his face and frowns.)
It was great. Old times...good times. Sittin' around the fire, Dad and me skinning Wayne at cards...
Gin.
(Wayne lays down his cards.)
What?!
It was kinda like finding out your pet hampster could do calculus.
Dad, pop me a beer, will ya?
Unhhh.
Yeah, me too.
(Jack and Wayne look at Kevin and frown.)
What the hey...it was worth a shot.
Never mind.
Ya know...I've been thinkin'. One of these days I'm gonna chuck it all...find us a place to retire...(nods)...like this. We could build us a cabin. Logs maybe. Wouldn't have to be much.
It was the same old dream Dad had talked about since I was three years old.
We could come here in April and stay till it snowed. We could catch fish all summer...live off what we caught. (Smiles.)
It was like a litany. We'd heard it a hundred times before. Still, that night, for some reason...
Yeah, but what about your mortgage?
What's that gotta do with it? (Frowns.)
Well...
(Wayne looks off, draws a card, then looks at Jack.)
Don't ya like owe the bank a pile?
Yeah. I mean...(gestures)...is that really practical? (Frowns.) I mean, with...what you make, and everything?
Course, looking back...our two cents might not have been exactly in the spirit of the moment.
(Wayne laughs, then pauses.)
Gin. (Laughs.) 'Nother hand, huh?
Uh, I don't think so. Maybe we oughtta hit the hay, huh?
Yeah, sure!
Sure, Dad.
(They head toward the tent.)
Good call. After all, if things were a little rough around the fire...
(Wayne crawls into the tent.)
At least we always had the comfort of the old tent.
(Wayne, Jack and Kevin trying to settle in. Kevin rolls onto his back and frowns.)
Hey...
(Wayne pulls a sleeping bag up.)
Come on...
(Kevin spreads out his sleeping bag.)
Watch it!
You watch it.
You can wait...
Wayne...
(Wayne pushes Kevin's arm.)
Hey - that's my spot. You're in my spot.
(Kevin slides onto Jack as he tries to change his position.)
OK, OK.
No...
Wait - wait a minute! (Frowns.) Let's think this out! (Sighs.) What happened?
(Wayne frowns and taps the side of the tent.)
But it wasn't gonna take a genius to figure this one out. Stated simply...we were thirty-eight square feet of family...in thirty-two square feet of tent. Which added up to one thing.
Who thought of this stupid trip in the first place?
Knew we should have stayed in a motel. (Frowns.)
Wayne...(Frowns.)
Ya know, I'm gonna sleep outside.
No - I'll sleep outside.
No...I'll sleep outside.
(It starts to rain heavily.)
The next morning, the clouds had cleared. By some miracle of physical engineering, we'd made it through the night. Alive. And as the sun rose, hope once again sprang full-blown in the Arnold manly breast. After all...this was fishing. This was tradition. This was...
(Kevin frowns and slaps his face at a buzzing insect.)
Carnage.
(Jack frowns and slaps his neck. Wayne frowns and slaps his neck.)
Does anyone have any bug-spray?
We ran out an hour ago.
Seemed the only thing biting around here were the mosquitos. So it was time to fall back on the oldest technique known to fishermen in times of trouble.
Kevin, ya gotta cast it out further...(gestures)...if ya wanna catch anything.
Give the other guy advice.
Don't worry about me...(gestures)...I know what I'm doin'.
Even though I didn't.
Dad! Dad, I got a bite.
Ya need any help?
No - I got it.
And I did. I had it. The first catch of the day.
Ease 'er in. Ease 'er in...
It was big, alright. Big, mean, tough.
(Kevin pulls a car tire from the water.)
It was...totally humiliating.
(Wayne and Jack laugh.)
Personally, I'd throw it back - it's flat. (Gestures.)
Nah, keep it - it'll look good on the wall.
(They laugh again. Kevin swings the tire into the water.)
Pret-ty fun-ny...
(Kevin wades into the water, wearing hip boots.)
Hey, Kev! Hey...I hear the tires are really bitin' around here. (Laughs.)
Shut up, buttead.
(Kevin steps into a hole in the river bed, nearly stumbling to his waist.)
OK, then. If that's the way they wanted to play it...I could play rough, too. After all, if I couldn't catch a fish, there was always a chance I might snare myself a hundred-and-forty-pound large-mouth ass.
Hey, Wayne! Come over here - I gotta show ya somethin' - it's really cool.
Yeah?
Yeah, ya gotta see it.
(Wayne looks at his reel as he tries to untangle it.)
OK - in a second.
Heh-heh. It was mean. It was rotten. It was irresistable.
What is it, Kev? (Frowns.) Ya find somethin'?
Uh...no, Dad...(gestures)...it's nothing. (Nods.) It's for Wayne.
(Kevin turns to Wayne.)
Wayne! (Gestures.)
No, really - let me take a look.
(Jack approaches and falls into the hole.)
*
(Later, on shore.)
I'm sorry, Dad. I tried to warn you. You were there, and...(chuckles)...then you weren't. (Smiles.)
But maybe it was the lack of sleep...or maybe it was seeing him standing there in wet boxer-shorts...
And, uh...I'm also...sorry about losin' your hat.
(Kevin looks toward the water and smiles.)
But, I bet it's caught a lot of fish by now. (Smiles.)
(Jack frowns heavily at Kevin as he wrings out his socks.)
It was awful. The madder he got...the funnier it seemed. And then...
Hey, you guys! I got a fish - I got a fish!
From the brink of annihilation...
(Jack taps Kevin on the chest.)
Get the net!
I'll get the net.
Came salvation.
(Jack hurries over and gets his jeans from the top of the tent as Kevin tosses some equipment aside and picks up the net.)
Get the net.
Get the net.
Suddenly, we knew to a man...
(Wayne reels in as Kevin holds the net and opens the creel.)
Exactly why we had come.
I got it.
(Wayne frowns as he pulls on the pole, bending it. Kevin helps hold it.)
Lemme get my pants on.
It didn't matter that Wayne made the initial strike.
Oh, man - it's a big one!
We were all one unit now. A well-oiled machine...working in harmony to bring glory to our quest.
Easy, now!
(The fish is lifted from the water. Wayne laughs, and Jack smiles as he reaches into the net.)
Yes! Yes!
We got it!
Man, look at the size of that sucker! (Points.)
Yeah, it must be like a twelve-pounder. (Smiles.)
That baby's a fighter! (Smiles.)
Man, he was strong - I thought it was gonna rip off my arm!
Finally, we had what we'd been waiting for. Something we could tell our grandchildren about. The day we caught thirty-pounder. Together.
(The fish struggles and tips the creel over, falls into the water, and swims away. Cut to dinner around the fire.)
I don't believe it. (Frowns.) Beans again.
Let's face it. We were failures. As campers...as anglers...as men.
Well, I know...(points)...why don't we cook up Kevin's catch? Nothing like the taste of...barbeque steel-belted radial.
(He smiles and laughs.)
Or how about...fillet of Firestone? (Laughs.)
Not to mention stand-up comedians.
(Jack looks at Kevin and laughs.)
Very funny. (Frowns.) I hope you're all enjoying yourselves. (Gestures.)
(Kevin stands up as Wayne and Jack take a sip from their beers.)
Because I wasn't. I was fed up.
(Kevin reaches toward a beer on top of the cooler. Jack sticks his hand on the cans.)
Whoa. Where are you goin'?
I'm gettin' a beer.
Kevin...
Dad...I'm tired, I'm hot, and I'm sick of soda. (Gestures.) So I'm havin' a beer, OK?
And there it was. A challenge even Dad couldn't ignore.
Ya know...
(Jack leaning out past Kevin and frowns slightly at Wayne.)
Maybe the problem is, we've been using the wrong lures. The stuff ya buy in the stores is no damn good. Tell ya somethin'...(smiles)...when I get my place up here, things are gonna be different. (Nods.)
I couldn't believe it. I was trying my best to assert my manhood...and this guy was ignoring me...like I was a little kid. And I wasn't gonna take it anymore.
Get off it, Dad. (Gestures.) Will ya? (Nods.)
What?
All this stuff about building a cabin. You're never moving up here. Not in a million years. (Shrugs.)
I see.
(Jack frowns slightly and looks down.)
It was possibly the meanest thing I'd ever said to the man. But right then, I didn't care.
(Kevin takes a beer.)
The way I saw it...turn-about was fair play.
(Kevin pops the top of the can, which sprays beer onto him. Wayne laughs. Jack frowns slightly, then looks down.)
I don't believe it! That was great! (Smiles.) Hey, Kev - this Bud's on you!
(Wayne slaps Kevin's shoulder.)
Get your hands off me. (Frowns.)
Oh, why don't ya make me, scrote? (Frowns.)
I'm warning you, Wayne. (Frowns.)
Oh, I'm tremblin'. (Gestures.)
Wayne...
That's enough. (Frowns.)
(Jack approaches.)
What's the matter with you two? (Frowns.)
(Jack pushes the boys apart slightly.)
I bring ya all the way up here to fish...(gestures)...and all ya do is fight! (Frowns.) Honest to God, why can't we all just try and...(gestures)...get along, the way we used to?
But the thing was...I don't think we could tell him, any more than he could tell us.
Hey. There's foam on your head.
(Wayne flicks some foam off Kevin's head.)
That's it. (Frowns.)
(Kevin tosses the beer can down and grabs Wayne, and they fall onto the ground.)
Hey! Break it up! Knock it off! (Frowns.)
And that's when it happened.
Break it up...
(Kevin's elbow hits Jack in the jaw. Jack stumbles backward several steps.)
Things got a little...
(Jack falls down next to the fire, and kicks the frying pan, which sails into the air.)
Dad!
Out of hand.
(The frying pan bounces off a tree onto the lantern, causing it to slide down the tent rope and burst into flames agains the tent, which catches on fire.)
It was eighteen years of memories. And there was nothing we could do...but stand there. And watch.


See also Full Transcript



(Ep 96 - "Scenes From A Wedding")

(In the car, on the way to the reception.)
I just want to get this over with.
Me, too.
What are you talking about? Don't you know weddings are the best places to meet babes?
Yeah, right. Like you'd know.
Heh. In order - weddings, uh, funerals, uh, airport lounges, uh, laundromats...
Wayne's field experience aside, that day I was looking to forget about women - well one, anyway.

*
(Candy's father teases Wayne about firing him.)
Candy...you remember Wayne from work, don't ya?
I...don't believe we've ever met.
Sure we have...we went out last August. Remember?
No...
(She smiles and shakes her head.)
*
(At a dining table with some of the wedding party.)
And friendly folk from all walks of life sat down to break bread.
Since we'll be sharing a table together, I think we should introduce ourselves.
Somehow...I couldn't wait.
I'll start. My name is Morgan. I enjoy old movies, and listening to albums. I'm also pre-law.
I'm Cynthia. I'm pre-med. (Giggles.) And, how about you?
(Wayne is already eating.)
I'm Wayne.
(Wayne picks his teeth with a knife.)
Pass the A-1.
Yeah...nothin' like the patented Arnold ice-breaker.
I'm missing an ovary.
What?
I like to be right up-front about it because it doesn't really bother me at all.
That's good.
Hi! Everybody having a good time?
You look beautiful.
You're so lucky, Candy.
Are you enjoying yourself, Kevin?
Yeah. It's, it's...great.
Well, good...don't forget, there's more food over at the -
Hi.
Uh, at the, uh...buffet...table.
(She frowns and turns away.)
I guess she didn't see me.
Yeah.
*
Please?! Come on, Wayne. Let me have some of yours.
Get your own champagne!
I'd do it for you!
You know, I believe you would. I could give you this bottle. As a matter of fact, if it was up to me, I'd give it to you right now.
Bingo.
But, according to the State drinking law, you're underage. So if I did, I'd be committing a crime, and that would be wrong.
Great. Suddenly my brother had become Joe Friday.
Candy! Candy, wait up!
(Candy sees Wayne and frowns.)
'Scuse me.
(Wayne hands the champagne to Kevin and intercepts Candy.)
And, I was in the bubbly.
Hi! How about one dance with the bride?
No, I don't think that would be possible.
W-...how-how about later, then?
No, I don't think that would be possible, either.
(She hurries off.)
Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
Possibly...a mistake.
Gimme that!
Hey!
*
(The groom is at the microphone.)
Not many of you know the story behind Candy and me - I'm not gonna tell it now...I wouldn't want anyone leaving here today, not knowing how I feel about her. I feel, uh...very lucky, today. I don't know what you guys are going to remember about this wedding today - uh, so I'm gonna ask you to remember one thing...That you to know how...happy, and lucky, uh, fortunate I feel, that I get to say that...Candy...is my wife.
(Guests applaud.)
We did things kinda the old-fashioned way - well, for 1972 anyway. I'm glad we waited. Honey?
(Candy runs up, and they kiss. More applause and ooh's and ahh's.)
*
(Kevin and Wayne sit alone at a table, watching the bride and groom assembling for a photograph.)
That was a really nice speech, huh? You know, that stuff about love, and that whole part about waiting...
Maybe he waited, but...she didn't.
You? Where?
At a wedding...
(Wayne toasts his glass toward Candy and smiles. She notices Wayne and frowns as the photographer takes the picture.)




See also Full Transcript



(Ep 97 - "Sex and Economics")

(Kevin is going to paint Miss Farmer's house.)
Well, just make sure you know what you're doing. Painting's hard enough even when you're good at it.
And there you had it - the unflagging support of hearth and home.
(Wayne is repairing a lava-lamp.)
Better hope it's one of those paint-by-number houses.
*
(At dinner, Kevin is exhausted after a day of painting.)
Kevin? Honey, are you alright?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hey, there's paint in my potatoes!
Shut up, butthead!
That night I was in no mood for jokes. Or potatoes.

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 98 - "Politics As Usual")

(At dinner.)
So, butthead...who you gonna vote for?
(Wayne chews animatedly.)
Then there was my brother, representing the great unwashed masses.
What are you talking about? (Gestures.) I'm not old enough to vote. (Frowns.)
Great. Then I'll...sell ya mine, for five bucks.
*
(Kevin is eating cereal as the rest of the family is getting ready to go vote.)
Tuesday, November seventh, nineteen-seventy-two. While the entire nation prepared to elect the man who would lead it through the next four years...I was figuring out what riboflavin was.
(Wayne approaches, wearing a white shirt and tie, carrying his jacket over his arm.)
So, Dad - who you gonna vote for?
Lemme tell ya somethin', Wayne. When I walk into that booth...I don't have to answer to anybody but myself. Neither will you. It's every American's right.
Nixon, right?
Let's get a move on.
Don't be late for school, honey.
Right, Mom.
(Jack and Norma exit. Wayne pauses and takes a piece of Kevin's toast.)
Yeah, so long, scrote.
(Wayne waves the toast, then leans forward.)
I'm off to elect the president. (Smiles.)
Just don't forget to pull the lever.

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 100 - "Wayne and Bonnie")

(Jack's office at NORCOM.)
You told me those parts are supposed to be here today! Today is today! Tomorrow is not today!
My father worked at NORCOM over half his life.
Ah-huh. Ah-huh. Well, Ferguson's goin' to blow his top over this.
And eventually, he rose to the ranks of middle management.
Yeah, fine!
(Jack hangs up and frowns.)
Where every day, was filled with crisis, challenges, and Rol-Aids. Yep. Through the years my father had given a lot to NORCOM...
(Jack looks out his window onto the factory floor.)
And now, he had given them...
(Cut to the factory floor. Wayne is pushing the mail-cart past guys moving a large box.)
That's it - you guys are doin' great.
Wayne.
(Wayne pushes his cart and looks at another employee.)
That goes over to "C", right?
My brother had been employed in the mail-room for about six months. Don't ask me how.
(Wayne pauses and smiles at two guys wearing safety-googles.)
Nice shades, man.
And if his work ethic didn't exactly match Dad's, at least he was trying to find a niche for himself.
(Wayne pulls up to a woman at a window.)
Make new acquaintances.
You know...you look really hot, today. (Smiles.)
(The woman looks up angrily at Wayne.)
If you don't stop bugging me, I'm gonna have to report you.
(She looks down.)
I'm sorry...(smiles)...I-I'm really sorry. (Gestures.) Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
(She hesitates, then looks up.)
Just don't be late tonight. (Smiles.)
I'll pick you up at seven?
Seven's good. (Smiles.)
Bonnie Douglas.
Seven's really good...(Smiles.)
She was twenty-three, funny, smart, and, oh yeah - divorced. It was no wonder Wayne felt the way he did.
(Shot of Jack through his office window, looking out, with his arms crossed.)
Whatever Dad felt about all of this, he was keeping it to himself. Like all the Arnold men...
(Jack walks to his desk to answer the telphone.)
He had a lot of things on his mind.
*
(Dinner at the Arnold's.)
Yeah! It's a great movie! I mean, it's funny, it's romantic...
For Wayne, however, things were different.
I didn't think he was gonna go. I mean, it was a a French movie and everything.
No! Hey, I love French movies. They're so - French.
(Jack forces a laugh, then sighs and looks down.)
You obviously had to share in his happiness. After all, it wasn't every day that your brother brought home his previously-married, five-years-older-than-him girlfriend.
Would you like some more meatloaf? (Smiles.)
Oh, thank you. This is really great.
I'm so glad we finally got a chance to meet you.
Well, me too. I'm sorry I was late...I just moved into an apartment, and I haven't really unpacked everything yet.
Aw, you should see it - it's a mess. (Smiles.) I'll help you unpack, tonight.
'Kay...(Smiles.)
(Norma looks them suspiciously, and glances at Jack. Jack is looking down at his food.)
Something told us this was a deeper relationship than Wayne had ever been involved in.
You know, Dad, I was thinkin'...We can lend Bonnie that portable dishwasher in the garage, hmm?
Sure. No problem.
Still, chit-chat aside...
So! (Smiles and sighs.) How long have you been divorced?
Seemed there were greater issues at stake, here.
Since last Christmas.
You...probably don't want to talk about it?
Oh, no-no-no - I don't mind. (Sighs.) We were naive, right outta high school, and...we didn't realize how serious and important a commitment marriage is.
I'm not sure if Bonnie realized the significance of her statement...
(Jack looks up. Norma smiles.)
But she came through with flying colors.
D'you know? (Smiles.) I forgot to put out the salad!
It was Norma Arnold's carrot-and-raisin-salad seal of approval.
I also don't think he was ready to handle David.
David?
Who's David?
He's my-my son.
(She looks at Wayne.)
I-I didn't mention him?
(Wayne shrugs and smiles.)
No...
Uh-uh.
(Bonnie frowns and looks down.)
Oh...
(She licks her lip.)
Well! How...(shrugs)...old is he? (Smiles.)
Six months.
(Jack drops his fork.)
What about that salad, Mom?
What salad?
(Cut to the Arnold garage. Kevin and Wayne are getting the dishwasher.)
Watch it, will ya?
I got it!
Do you think she's alright, in there?
Yeah. I guess so. Come on - let's go.
(Bonnie enters.)
How ya guys doin'?
Fine! (Smiles.) How'd it go?
OK, I guess...Oh, I had a nice long talk with your mom...
That's good.
I don't know...(Sighs.) Your folks look at me like I'm...corrupting you, or something...
No, no. Hey - they always look that way. (Nods.)
You know, you really should have told them.
Why? (Shrugs.)
Well, because they're concerned! I mean, th-there's David...I'm five years older than you...
(Smiles.) Hey! Some months, it's only four years, which is...just about three years, so...we're almost the same age.
Yee-ah.
That's so sweet. (Smiles.)
Of course, it was a touching moment.
(They kiss.)
Honest.
Wayne?
Yeah...we better go. The sitter expects me at ten.
Oh, yeah. Well, let me get the attachments...(gestures), and...we'll get outta here.
(Wayne approaches Kevin, pats his arms, and smiles.)
It was weird. Crazy, really. My brother had somehow managed to set up camp in Shangri-La.
*
(Another day at dinner. Wayne walks through the kitchen.)
Hi! Bye!
Where're you going?
Well, Bonnie couldn't find a sitter (gestures), so, we're gonna hang out at her place and take care of David.
Just don't forget - the diaper goes on the bottom.
Shut up scrote. I'll...seeya guys later. (Smiles.)
But if Wayne thought he was getting away that easily...
You know, Wayne...
He hadn't counted on Mom.
We'd love to see the baby someday.
Huh? (Smiles.)
Jack - isn't the NORCOM picnic coming up this Sunday?
Huh? (Frowns.)
We could all go together. (Nods.) That would be fun, wouldn't it?
I'll talk to Bonnie. (Exits.)
*
(At NORCOM.)
Over the next few days...things remained about the same. Dad drank Maalox...
Well, Ferguson's gonna kill me.
And yelled...
Oh, yeah? Then I'm gonna kill you!
(Jack looks out the window. Wayne walks like a duck in front of Bonnie's booth.)
While my brother continued his crazy courtship.
(Cut to shop floor. Wayne walks across the front of Bonnie's booth. She cups the phone and laughs.)
Wayne! (On the phone):OK. Thanks a lot. Um, Is there anything else I have...OK.
(Wayne peers in the window, then pulls his head back.)
Ohhh!
(On the phone): Right away - alright.
(She hangs up hurriedly and frowns at Wayne. Wayne pops up.)
Hello!
What...?
It's me again. You love me, don't you? (Smiles.)
Wayne...stop...
He was charming and dopey and crazy in love...
Don't...(Laughs.)
All at once.
(Bonnie tilts her head back and laughs.)
*
The annual NORCOM family picnic. One Sunday every year, polyester suits were traded in for bermuda-shorts and polo-shirts. Beer and conversation were flowing everywhere.
(Jack, Norma, Wayne, Bonnie and David are at a picnic table.)
Almost everywhere.
(Wayne is holding David out. David is crying.)
Yes, David. Hello. How are you?
You just have to rock him a little bit, Wayne. (To David): Aw, come on...
OK, David - here you go...(Frowns.) I...think he likes me.
Oh, maybe your mom would like to try?
Good luck!
Come here, angel...Oh, look at this beautiful baby...oooh...Remember when Kevin and Wayne were this small?
It was a long time ago, Norma. (Smiles.)
Wayne had the cutest little behind...
Mom! (Frowns.)
He still does. (Smiles.)
(Jack pauses over his beer. Norma looks at Bonnie.)
*
(Later, at the picnic.)
I missed Winnie more than ever. I needed some grown-up conversation...
(Kevin approaches Wayne and David.)
Well, as close as I could get.
Hey.
Hi.
You know, you're doing really well.
Well, I'll get the hang of it.
But I couldn't help getting the feeling Wayne was a little overwhelmed...
You sure this is OK. You know, you taking care of the baby, and everything?
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing - it doesn't mean anything.
Of course, I was just trying to say that I hoped David wouldn't spit up on him or something, but...
I'll do a lot better once Bonnie and I move in together.
What? (Frowns.) You're gonna live together?
Yeah! (Smiles.) It'll be great, huh? (Gestures.) I wanta take David to football games, to baseball games...I'm gonna have to buy him a glove...
(Wayne glances at Kevin and smiles.)
It was unbelievable. I was standing there, watching my brother make a decision that would affect his entire life.
Well, did you tell Mom and Dad? (Frowns.)
No...not yet. (Shrugs.)
Don't you think you should? (Frowns.)
No, why - what? Are they my parents or something?
(Wayne looks at David and bounces him.)
Come on, you little peanut. You want to go see mommy? Yeah, you do...
(Wayne walks toward Bonnie and Norma.)
Here we go...I think he did something...
*
By the end of the picnic, I couldn't wait to get home...make my escape.
(Cindy and Kevin walk to Kevin's car.)
Face it - this whole thing had been a disaster.
(Kevin sees Wayne and Norma in the distance.)
Wayne! You can't do this.
I guess it was a disaster for everybody.
Mom - we already decided.
But you're only eighteen years old.
Don't you understand? We're in love!
How can you be so sure?
What are you talking about? (Frowns.)
Look - I know that Bonnie needs you...(nods)...and that makes you feel very good. But need isn't love.
I don't believe this. (Gestures.) You don't know anything!
I just don't want you to get hurt!
(Wayne frowns and points his finger at Norma angrily.)
You...just don't want to see me grow up!
(Wayne leans closer to Norma.)
I want you to stay out of this, and I want you to butt out of my life! You got it?
(Wayne hesitates, then waves and shakes his head, and exits.)
*
(Later that night, Kevin comes home to find Jack at the kitchen table.)
Hi.
How you doin'?
Lousy.
Join the club. (Smiles.)
(Wayne approaches with a bag of stuff over his shoulder. He pauses and sighs, and looks at Jack.)
So where's Mom?
She, uh...went to bed.
I'm gettin' outta here.
Wayne! Can we talk for a minute?
Dad, there's nothing to talk about. I-I'm doing this, and that's it! (Gestures.)
Fine!
(He nods and gestures.)
If that's what you have to do.
(Wayne looks down and nods.)
Guess it wasn't exactly the answer Wayne had expected.
Look, I, uh...just got one thing to say, so bear with me, OK?
(Jack slides the chair out and points to it. Wayne drops his stuff on it and puts his hands in his pockets.)
You know...I, uh...started working at NORCOM right after the Marines. I was twenty-four, and I thought I was gonna be out of there in no time. (Frowns.) I was gonna try some different things. Take some chances. I figured...I had my whole life ahead of me. But before I knew it...there was a family...a home...a mortgage.
(Jack looks off in thought and frowns.)
And...
In a way...I knew it was the hardest thing Dad had ever done. He was speaking from the heart. He was speaking out of love.
All I'm saying is...(Frowns.)
Dad! That's your life. Not mine. I gotta get goin'.
(Wayne picks up his bag and heads for the door. Kevin and Wayne look at each other for a moment, then Wayne walks out.)
Seeya.
(Wayne elbows the door closed.)
And then...he was gone. And we were left. And that house seemed a little emptier.

Also Full Transcript



(Ep 103 - "Let Nothing You Dismay")

(Kevin is thinking about buying Winnie an expensive sweater. Now, he and Wayne enter the living room, holding opposite ends of a Christmas tree.)
Ow! I'm stuck in this tree!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
(Wayne backs into the wall.)
Ow!
Come on, Wayne. (Frowns.) Swing your end around.
I got pine needles in my arm!
Come on! Quit foolin' around. Get the tree in there!
After all these years, Dad had finally bought a tree worthy of our mansion.
(Norma and Bonnie are in the dining room.)
That's some tree, Jack. (Smiles.)
What did you buy, the biggest one on the lot? (Smiles.)
(Jack is at the bottom of the tree, and Kevin and Wayne hold the top.)
Come on - let's get it up. (Gestures.) Ya ready? One, two, three!
(They lift the tree, which jams into the ceiling and wall.)
OK. Maybe it was a little too worthy.
(Jack sighs and looks at Wayne.)
You better get the saw.
Great! Bonnie and I get the top part. (Smiles.) Suckers.
Don't you think you're going a little overboard, honey? (Smiles.)
What are ya talkin' about? (Smiles.) Besides, it's Christmas. I felt like spurging.
It was incredible. It was like Santa Claus making a house-call.
Uh, Dad?
Yeah, Kev?
And I was gonna be next on his list.
Could I, uh...borrow a couple bucks? (Smiles.)
Like say, ninety-nine, ninety-nine.
It's just...you know, I want to get somethin' for Winnie, and I'm running a little short, so...(Shrugs.)
Sure. (Shrugs.) No problem.
Bingo.
(Jack thumbs through $20-dollar bills.)
Down the chimney he came.
Oh, honey...Charlie called while you were out. He said he won't be able to make it over tonight.
And then...
(Wayne enters from the kitchen with the saw and smiles.)
What's he getting - cold-feet?
My Santa went south.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means nothing!
(Jack drops his wallet-arm and frowns at Wayne.)
He said everything was fine - he had a few last-minute things he has to take care of...and he'd see you at the bank on Friday. (Smiles.)
Dad?
(Kevin holds out his hand, and Jack turns to him, slightly startled.)
Oh! Sure!
(Jack pulls out a $5-dollar bill and holds it up.)
Buy her somethin' special.
*
(All the Arnold's area at the bank as Jack is about to apply for a loan.)
Here goes nothing.
Good luck, honey. (Smiles.)
Yeah, go get 'em, Dad. (Smiles.)
Yeah.
Knock 'em dead.
With that, Dad went to lay claim to his corner of the American dream.
(Jack enters the office.)
Aw, come on in, Jack. Uh, just help yourself, there...(Gestures.)
Thanks.
It was kind of...inspiring.
(Wayne is reading bank brochure. He frowns and shakes his finger.)
Hey - if I open up three accounts...(smiles)...I can get the coffee-maker, the toaster, and the can-opener. (Chuckles.)
*
(Jack comes out of the bank office and approaches the Arnolds.)
I don't believe it!
Jack? What happened?
He's not coming - he crapped out! (Frowns.)
Why?! (Frowns.)
I'll tell ya why. (Frowns.) He doesn't have the money.
It was horrible. And then...
(Wayne points his thumb at himself.)
I knew it. (Nods.)
Things got worse.
Let's get the hell outta here. (Frowns.)
Jack...(Frowns.)
I said...let's go! (Gestures.)
(Kevin taps Wayne on the stomach.)
Nice going, butthead! (Frowns.)
What'd I say? (Gestures.)
Now!
(Wayne motions Kevin forward.)
And with that...
(Kevin and Wayne hurriedly get their jackets off the back of the bench and follow.)
There went Christmas. There went that cashmere sweater.
There goes my can-opener.
And we were left with nothing but...a stocking full of coal.

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(Ep 104 - "New Year")

Over the years, a family develops a kind of character. A sense of heritage. A feeling of roots. For my family, those roots extended all the way to the back of our garage. It was kind of our Plymouth Rock.
(Kevin and Wayne are getting stuff from the garage. Kevin holds a large carton, as Wayne holds up some placemats.)
Hey - look at this. The old placemats. They'll be great if we have a dinner party.
Yeah, great.
(Wayne holds up a toy airplane and rocket.)
Remember these? (Nods.)
Those are mine!
(Wayne tosses them in the box.)
Bonnie'll love 'em in the kid's room.
Hey, but -
(Wayne sets a smaller box on top of Kevin's box.)
Thanks.
The final week of nineteen-seventy-two. Where I lived, it was a time of change. Most particularly in the person of...
(Wayne looks up from another box and smiles at Kevin.)
Wow - curtains. (Giggles.)
My new brother. Sure - maybe this looked like the same doofus I'd shared a room with for fifteen years...but in one way, he was different.
Will ya look at this pattern, huh? (Smiles.)
Wayne was in love.
Ah. Come on - let's show Bonnie.
And somehow...our garage was never gonna be the same again.
(Cut to the Arnold front yard as Wayne walks down the driveway toward Norma, Bonnie and Bonnie's baby, David.)
Hey - look at these! This stuff's great!
(Kevin follows, carrying the big box.)
Not that I begrudged the guy his good fortune. After all, he'd found the girl of his dreams.
(Kevin sets the box on the hood of the car noisily. Bonnie nods at Wayne.)
These are nice, Wayne. (Smiles.)
Bonnie Douglas. Twenty-three, divorced, and mother of one.
(Bonnie looks at Norma.)
You sure it's alright if we take all this?
Oh, of course it is.
Yeah - of course it is! (Nods.)
(Wayne looks toward David.)
Uh, peekaboo!
(Wayne holds the curtains in front of David, who starts to cry.)
Oh...
Oh, sweetheart...
Wh-what did I do?
But it wasn't what he'd done that was so perplexing...it was how he was doing it.
Honey...you know, you're looking awfully thin - are you sure you're getting enough rest?
Still working two shifts at the plant...he doesn't have time to sleep...
(Wayne holds Bonnie around the shoulders and nuzzles closer to her.)
Besides...who says I want to sleep?
(He kisses her on the cheek.)
God...
(Norma smiles, slightly embarrassed, then glances down. Kevin looks at Norma, then shakes his head and frowns at Wayne.)
Wayne? A little help, here...
Oh, yeah. Well...
(Wayne jerks his thumb over his shoulder.)
Put it in back, and...(gestures)....don't break anything.
Gotchya. (Frowns.)
(Kevin picks up the box and turns away. Norma looks at David.)
Oh, look at him - he's the cutest little baby. Look at those eyes. What a handsome, handsome boy...
Yeah. Hell of a lot better lookin' than his old man. (Smiles.)
Which, around my house...was kind of a sore subject.
Has, uh...James been...(shrugs)...calling again? (Smiles.)
Well, no...a couple times, but, you know...(shrugs)...just to say "hi".
Mom...don't worry. You know, the guy's a jerk. Come on...(gestures)...we gotta go.
(Wayne slides off the car.)
And there it was. Almost overnight, Wayne had changed.
(Wayne walks around the car toward Kevin.)
He'd become a picture of patience...
(Wayne takes a dollar bill from his pocket.)
Sacrifice.
(Wayne stops in front of Kevin and rubs the dollar between his fingers.)
So...can I give you a buck for your help? (Smiles.) Huh? Huh?
Generosity.
Hang on to it.
(Kevin steps away from the car. Wayne puts the bill back in his pocket as Kevin steps past him.)
Suit yourself.
(Wayne gets in the car.)
I'm goin' for the night-shift.
It was almost ironic. My no-good, lay-about brother...had become...a devoted family-man.
*
(Kevin wants to go to a ski-lodge with Winnie and the guys. Instead, he has to go to a supper-club with his family - a treat from Wayne. Now, Kevin and Wayne are at a laundromat.)
Wayne - why can't the family get together another night?
(Wayne reaches in the dryer.)
Because. (Nods.) Holidays are a time for families.
Yee-ah.
(Wayne turns from the dryer with some clothes.)
Ow. Clothes are hot.
Wayne!
(Kevin follows Wayne, who sets the clothes on a counter. Kevin leans on the counter.)
Besides...I thought it would be a nice thing to do.
(Wayne picks up a towel.)
Who was this guy?
(Wayne smells the towel and smiles.)
And what had he done with my brother?
(Wayne folds the towel.)
Look...I've got other things to do on New Years' eve. And I was just thinkin' that the family could just hang out without me.
Hang out? (Frowns.) We're not just hangin' out! We're goin' to a supper-club. (Smiles.)
A supper-club? (Frowns.)
God - it was worse than I thought.
(Wayne returns with more clothes.)
Oh, yeah! Dinner and a show...(smiles)...maybe a comedian or something.
(Wayne sets the clothes on the counter and starts to fold them.)
I reserved us a table right up front. (Gestures.) Will you give me a hand folding these before Bonnie gets here? (Frowns.)
OK, then. Maybe it was time to take a different tack.
Boy...That must be settin' you back a few bucks. You know, I hear those supper-clubs cost a bundle.
Hey...What's money if you don't have people to spend it on, huh?
And that's when it hit me. This wasn't love...this was insanity.
Besides...(smiles)...it wouldn't be the same without you there, son.
(K & NARR): Son? (Frowns.)
(Wayne walks toward the door with the basket of laundry. Kevin hurriedly follows.)
OK...Enough was enough.
Look, Wayne. Number one, I'm not your son. And number two, I don't want to spend New Year's eve in a stupid supper club...
(Wayne frowns and looks over his shoulder at Kevin.)
You don't?
No! (Gestures.) That's what I'm saying!
Well...(Shrugs.)
Sure - maybe it was selfish...
(Cut to outside as Wayne pulls the door open.)
But under the circumstances...
(Sound of a car horn. The boys look past the camera and Wayne smiles.)
Absolutely necessary.
(Bonnie approaches in her car, and pulls to a stop near the boys.)
Hey - I'm sorry I'm late.
(Wayne approaches with the basket. Kevin follows slowly.)
Oh, that's OK. You get caught up?
Kind of...I saw James.
Woops.
(Wayne looks off and frowns.)
What'd he want?
"What did he want?" - The same old thing, to hash everything out we've been through like a hundred times. I'm shopping, I'm having a good time, and I come out of the store, and he's sitting there, waiting for me.
Why? W-what? Is he following you?
(Wayne hits the car door with the side of his fist.)
I'm gonna kill this guy! Ya know, I'm sick -
Wayne - don't worry...I set him straight for good...
(Wayne looks off and frowns.)
I told him it's over like twenty times.
Are ya sure?
Definitely. (Nods.)
And there ya had it.
(Wayne and Bonnie kiss.)
Love at the laundromat. Two kids...working it out. And one kid making his get-away.
(Kevin smiles slightly and starts to walk off.)
So, Kevin? Are we gonna see you New Year's eve? (Smiles.)
What?
Rats.
Well...you know, I was just...talking with Wayne, and...
(Wayne leans down and looks at Bonnie.)
Eh, don't worry.
(Wayne stands up and frowns at Kevin.)
He's gonna be there.
(Wayne gets in the car.)
But I thought -
It'd mean a lot to us, Kevin. (Smiles.)
(Bonnie turns toward Wayne.)
Right, honey?
(They lean together and kiss.)
And with that kiss...there went my night of revelry. There went Eddie Putnam's dad's ski condo.
See ya there!
(The car pulls away.)
And in its place...I was left with just one thought. New Year's eve was gonna be one...long...night.
(Fade to the living room as Kevin watches a football game.)
December thirty-first, the final day of nineteen seventy two. Bands were playing, the crowds were cheering...
(Kevin looks at a pretzel then puts it in his mouth as the camera moves in slightly.)
Teenagers were sulking. Big-time.
(Wayne steps in front of the TV.)
So, what do you think? (Smiles.)
About what? (Frowns.)
My new suit! Pretty sharp, huh? (Smiles.)
You bought a new suit? (Gestures.)
Yeah! (Nods.) I want to look good for tonite. You don't think it's too, uh...(Gestures.)
Wayne...you're blocking the TV. (Smiles.)
Oh. Sorry.
(Wayne adjusts his sleeves.)
Great. It wasn't bad enough I was stuck in the house. Now I had to share it with a love-struck clotheshorse.
(Wayne holds the end of the tie, frowns, then walks forward.)
Oh, maybe Dad has a better tie.
W-wayne...
(Kevin stands up and turns to Wayne behind him.)
Look - about tonight...
Hey. (Gestures.) You don't have to say a word - I know what you're thinkin'.
You do? (Smiles.)
Sure! You don't have to wear a suit.
(Wayne points at his throat and smiles.)
A jacket and tie will do just fine. (Smiles.) OK, buddy? (Nods.)
(Wayne turns, hums to himself, and walks animatedly toward the kitchen.)
*
OK!
(Wayne claps his hands together and smiles.)
Let's get a move on!
(Wayne stands behind Norma.)
Seeya there!
OK. You want to take him?
(Wayne reaches for David as Norma lifts him up.)
Wayne - sure I can't help you out with the bill, tonight?
Sorry, Dad. Tonight's my treat. It'll be a night you'll never forget.
(Wayne looks toward Kevin.)
Right, Kev-bo?
Which as it happened...was exactly what I was afraid of.
Seeya there!
Bye!
*
(Wayne never showed up at the supper club. Bonnie came by and told Kevin she and Wayne broke up. Now, Kevin and Winnie have gone to look for him, and find him at a laundromat. Kevin enters as Winnie waits in the car.)
I wasn't quite sure what to expect. For some reason, I'd never actually hung out at a laundromat on New Year's eve. So I tried to prepare myself for the worst. An outraged maniac. A jilted slob.
(Wayne sits on a washing machine next to a six-pack of beer, as he throws a sock.)
He sets - he shoots! Yah! (Laughs.)
Or, just a guy in a bad suit...tossing socks at a washing machine.
Wayne?
Hey, butthead!
(Wayne points with his beer bottle.)
Fancy meeting you here, huh? (Laughs.) Catch.
(Wayne throws a sock toward Kevin, who catches it.)
That a way...
(Kevin holds up the sock and smiles.)
You missed it. I sank sixteen in a row! Sixteen!
(Wayne frowns and shrugs.)
OK. Seventeen. (Smiles.) All the people that were here earlier doing laundry were...(gestures)...very impressed. You'd be surprised how many people save their laundry for the major holidays.
(Wayne tosses anouther sock in the dryer.)
Is it me, or...(gestures)... am I the only one talking here?
Ya know...we missed you at the dinner club. (Smiles.)
Oh, yeah? How'd it go?
(Wayne tosses another sock.)
Good! They had a m-magician. (Smiles.)
Sounds like hell.
(Wayne frowns and tosses another sock.)
Kinda. (Smiles.) Listen, uh...I heard about what happened.
Yeah. (Nods.) Me, too. (Frowns.)
(Wayne tosses another sock.)
These things happen, right?
(Wayne frowns and holds the six-pack.)
Ya know...
(Wayne reaches in his jacket pocket.)
You can't...make...someone fall in love with you. (Frowns.) Nah, no...
(Wayne pulls out a bottle opener and puts it on a bottle.)
You can't...make 'em fall in love. (Gestures.) It's just gotta happen!
And I guess that's when it hit me. How hard this guy had tried. How hard he'd been trying his whole life. And suddenly it all made sense. Who my brother really was. Not the family man he'd wanted to be...or the stupid older brother I'd fought with my whole life. But just another grown up kid...with a broken heart.
(Winnie enters and approaches.)
Kevin? (Smiles.) Are you guys OK? It's almost midnight!
Say this for my girlfriend...she had timing.
(They look at the TV on the counter, showing a crowd.)
(TV Announcer): We are here, in Times Square...
Another year, huh? (Smiles.)
(Wayne shakes his head slightly and looks down.)
Nineteen seventy-two was a memory.
(TV Crowd): Five! Four!
Like it or not.
(TV Crowd): Three!
(On the TV, the "big ball" in Times Square descends.)
(TV Crowd): "Two-one - Happy New Year!"
("Auld Lang Syne" plays on the TV.)
Happy New Year...
The funny thing is...
(Wayne smiles and looks down.)
Looking back now...
Happy New Year, Kevin. (Smiles.)
Happy New Year. (Smiles.)
What I remember most is how it ended.
So, butthead...(nods)...you gonna kiss her or not? Come on! You're only young once...
Hell - the guy was right.
(Kevin and Winnie kiss. Snuffy's version of "Auld Lang Syne" starts and plays throughout.)
So maybe that New Year's eve, nineteen seventy-two didn't work out exactly like any of us planned. There was heartbreak we didn't anticipate...and events we couldn't have imagined. Still, it wasn't all bad. There was a magician. So maybe there was a message in it all. The future was calling us. And no matter what...there was no turning back now.


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(Ep 106 - "Ladies and Gentlemen...The Rolling Stones")

(At dinner, Jack is happily discussing his new furniture client.)
You know...now it's like the guy wants to be my best friend. (Smiles.)
I know. (Smiles.) His wife called this morning.
She did?
Uh-huh. (Nods.) They want to take us...dancing tomorrow night. (Smiles.)
(Jack hesitates, then nods slightly.)
Oh.
Square dancing.
What?!
(Some square dancing music plays.)
Uh-oh...
(Wayne spits out some food.)
Square dancing? (Laughs.)
(Jack frowns at Wayne, then Norma, and puts his hands together.)
Forget it - we're not going.
Suddenly, I watched his mood change faster than you could say "sons of the pioneers".
Are you sure, honey? (Frowns.) It might be good for business.
(Jack frowns at Norma, then looks off.)
Oh, brother...
(Wayne smiles and gestures.)
Grab your partner - dos-y-do...
(Jack looks at Wayne. Wayne pauses in mid-smile, then frowns.)
Sorry.
*
(Jack is looking at Kevin's speeding ticket.)
It's a speeding ticket. (Frowns.) Is this yours?
I-I don't think so. (Shrugs.)
It's got your name on it.
Oh, yeah! (Points and smiles.) That...that's mine. (Smiles.)
You want to tell me about it?
Nope.
(Wayne approaches in the doorway, sipping a soda.)
Well...Dad, you know Vine Street? Everyone speeds there.
I don't. (Smiles.)
Stay out of it, Wayne.
(Wayne laughs and exits.)
*
(Sound of a car horn outside playing "Dixie". Jack frowns and looks toward the street.)
What was that?
That you, Arnold?! Get on out here!
(Wayne looks out the window and sees Zeke and his wife.)
Whoa, Dad...Roy and Dale are here. (Laughs.)
Great...
So, uh...Dad - what do ya say?
Kevin...I'm going square dancing...(Frowns.) And when I get home, that car of yours better not have moved...(gestures)...one inch!...Off its oil spot.
And somehow, I knew the man meant every single word.
(Jack frowns and motions Norma outside.)
He even said it in sign-language.
(Norma exits. Wayne looks at Jack as Jack points a finger at Kevin, puts his finger and thumb an inch apart, then exits.)
Well...Seeya, scrote. Have fun. (Giggles and exits.)

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(Ep 107 - "Unpacking")

(The guys are cleaning the rain gutters.)
Make sure you get all the leaves and mud outta there.
Yeah, yeah...
The Arnold residence. No pool...just - gutters.
Dad, haven't we done enough work for today?
Yeah. Can't we knock off for a couple of months?
Just keep working. (Frowns.)
To my dad, his house was his fortress. His children - his slaves.
(A gutter squeaks and one end falls.)
Oops! Heh-heh-heh.
I don't believe it. (Frowns.)
What are we gonna do now?
We...
(He gestures at Kevin, then himself.)
Go down to the hardware store, and pick up some new fasteners.
Wait a minute. Did he say - ?
Me? Why me? (Frowns.)
Nuh-uh, don't look at me! I work all day.
You're the one who broke it in the first place.
Kevin, you're 16 years old. It's time you had some reponsibilites. (Gestures.)
But -
You got until next weekend - you think you could fit it in your schedule?
(Wayne laughs.)
Fine.
Thank you.

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(Ep 108 - "Hulk Arnold")

(On the couch, Kevin pinches his stomach.)
Wayne? Does this look like fat?
What?! Ah, look. Everybody gets that. It's part of what they call "the maturing process".
Evidently the only part in which Wayne participated.
Why? You watching your figure, or something? Hahahahah.
No...just the coach asked me to try out for the wrestling team.
You? Uh-hhahaha. Dad! Butthead's going out for wrestling.
OK. It was time for a little encouraging moral support.
The wrestling team?
Why? What's wrong with that?
Nothing - it's just a pretty big commitment.
So? I commit! I've committed to lots of things.
Yeah, right. "Mr. Commitment". Ah-hahhahhaha.

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(Ep 112 - "The Little Women")

By the spring of nineteen-seventy-three, the women's liberation movement was in full force. Across America, a revolution was in progress, shedding old stereotypes...building new roles. It was a time of raised-consciousness and high expectations...a fight for equality and freedom. Women everywhere were facing difficult and complex choices.
(Cut to the kitchen. Norma is at the toaster. The three guys are reading newspapers.)
Plain toast or cinnamon-raisin?
Take my mother for example.
Cinnamon-raisin.
(K & J): Um-hummm...
Here we are. (Smiles.)
Thanks.
Thanks.
Thanks.
She was a woman of her time. A woman of accomplishments.
Mom, we got anymore juice? (Gestures.)
Oh, of course, honey. There ya go. And don't eat too fast.
A woman who was appreciated.
Good eggs, Norma.
Mmmm, Good eggs, Mom.
Good eggs.
Nobody makes eggs like your mother.
Uh-uh.
Any more coffee?
Oh, sure, honey.
Yep, you might say in everything she did, Mom commanded our utmost respect.
Oh, let me help you with that, Norma.
(Jack holds his cup out, but looks at the TV.)
And whether it was pouring our coffee, buttering our toast, or simply washing our socks...we Arnold men supported her, encouraged her...right up until that day, when...
I've decided to get a job. (Smiles.)
A job, Norma?
I think it's time. (Nods.)
It is? (Frowns.)
Course the way we saw it, Mom already had a job. Not that any of us was crass enough to say it.
You already have a job. (Gestures.) Taking care of us! (Frowns.)
Shut up, butthead.
Well, I know. But there's not...too much to take care of around here anymore.
(Jack looks skeptical.)
Karen is gone, you guys are at the office all day...and Kevin's practically in college. Besides, now that I have my degree, I just thought...(shrugs)...maybe I should do something more...(shrugs)...fulfilling.
Oh...
Oh...
It was hard to imagine anything more fulfilling...than taking care of us.
Well...if you really feel that way...(gestures)...maybe I could find something for ya down at the factory one or two days a week. (Smiles.)
Which sounded reasonable enough.
Well, actually, Jack, I was thinking of something a little more...fulltime.
Like what, Mom?
I don't know yet. Just...something that I could really...sink my teeth into.
(She smiles, then chomps a piece of toast).
Um, trust me, Norma. Working's a lot different than going to college. (Gestures) A job's a lot of...aggravation and hard work.
Uh-hmmm.
Absolutely.
*
(In a restaurant, talking about Kevin's SAT score.)
I can't get over it. Six-fifty. And what was it? A five-eighty?
It was a night filled with eggrolls and triumph.
Well, actually it was a five-ninety. (Smiles.) But, ya know, it's no big deal. It's just numbers. It's a...twelve-forty combined.
I'm proud of you, son. (Smiles.)
Yeah, who would have thought our little butthead would turn out to be an egghead? (Smiles.)
Thanks. I think.
But the truth was...I had earned the respect of the Arnold men.
I think it's wonderful, honey!
And the woman who loved them.
(The waitress approaches Jack with the check.)
And your check, sir. (Exits.)
I'll, uh, take that. Just send it right over here.
Norma, what are you doing?
Paying the check. I have a little good news of my own. I got a job today.
A job?
What kinda job?
I didn't know you talked with Stan.
Well, actually I didn't. I just answered an ad in the paper for a job at Micro-Electronics.
Needless to say, this was wonderful news.
Never heard of 'em.
Well, it's a new business, Jack - "computer software". (Smiles.) I met with the two partners. They're in their twenties - barely Karen's age. And they hired me on the spot.
Well, that's great, Mom. I'm really proud of you.
Yep, no question about it. Definitely cause for celebration.
So. How much are they paying you? One-twenty-five, one-thirty? (Smiles.)
Two-twenty-five a week! (Smiles.)
(Wayne spits out a mouthful of food.)
That's more than I make!
*
(Norma is in the kitchen talking about work. The guys are at the table, disinterested.)
That's great. (Frowns.) Now what are the chances that we get some -
Bread? (Smiles.)
Bread...
There you are. Of course, we're still trying to keep the prices down - but, over all...
And the more we began to feel shortchanged, the more we became...suspicious!
(Kevin frowns and sniffs a roll.)
So, where the heck is the -
(Norma sets some butter on the table.)
Anyone need butter?
Butter?
Did I tell you I'm working with Pat Banks on this? She's the vice-president. Can you imagine that? Here are the beans.
Beans!
Where are the -
(Norma sets a bowl down.)
And the -
(W & N): Potatoes.
Let's see. Um...guess we're all set!

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(Ep 113 - "Reunion)

(On an airplane, Wayne looks worriedly at Kevin.)
Did ya feel that?
Yep.
(Kevin looks forward nonchalantly as he pops a handful of peanuts into his mouth.)
Hope it wasn't the engine.
Ooooh...
(Wayne looks away worriedly as Kevin smiles and glances at him.)
Not that we ventured into the friendly skies without a reason. We were on our way home. Well, Mom's home, anyway.
Look, Jack! (Smiles.) Sylvia Miller's chairing the reunion committee. (Smiles.) I haven't seen her in twenty five years! (Smiles broadly.)
You got it - my mother's high school reunion.
Oh, look, honey - there's going to be a picnic on Saturday...and a pie-eating contest! (Smiles.)
(Jack frowns and tosses a pen into his briefcase.)
Norma - please...
(Wayne is terrified as Kevin looks off blandly.)
Hey...wasn't that the wing? (Laughs.)
Yeah, it was gonna be...some fun...
*
(In Norma's parents' house. Norma's mom, Jane, ignores Jack - again.)
Well, how was the trip?
Uh, it was...OK.
(V/O): Except...
(Wayne squints and frowns.)
Dad got a little sick.
(Jack frowns at Wayne.)
*
(At the dinner table. Norma's dad, Karl, frowns when told about Jack's furniture business.)
I don't hold much truck with this new stuff. In my day...people knew how...to build furniture. Take this table.
(Karl bangs the table.)
Solid. Made to last. Had it since we were married. It'll be here for you boys when I'm gone. (Nods.)
(Wayne looks up and frowns.)
Woops.
(Wayne looks toward Karl.)
What was that again?
Daddy, don't talk like that.
Well, it's true...you boys'll be gettin' this place one day...(Nods.)
Really?
(Wayne looks up to the ceiling and gestures.)
You mean...this house?
Yeah. And everything in it. Hell, I gotta leave it to someone. And I'm not gonna be around forever, ya know.
(Wayne looks forward and blinks slowly. Sound of a cash register. Wayne looks at Karl.)
Thanks, Gramps. (Smiles.) You're the best.
*
(Later in the living room. Norma's former boyfriend, Roger, has stopped by. Jane approachs Norma, Kevin and Wayne holding out a photograph of Roger and Norma's prom.)
Aren't they a striking couple?
(Wayne, Norma and Kevin looking at the photograph.)
Grandma played match-maker...Roger played bigshot...
(Wayne reaches for the photograph.)
While my brother played...
That's a nice frame, Grandma. What is that - pewter?
*
(Later, in the guest room. Wayne is in pajamas, propped up in bed.)
Uh, uh, butthead...This place is a gold mine. (Gestures.) Uh, you should see the stuff they got stashed in the attic. (Nods.) Genuine antiques.
(Wayne nods seriously, then gestures explosively.)
We're gonna be rich! (Laughs.)
*
(At Norma's reunion picnic.)
While Mom was having the time of her teenage life...
(Wayne, Kevin and Jack stand near a large tree. Wayne is drinking from a bottle as Kevin and Jack repair baseball gloves.)
The Arnold men were getting old - fast.
(Wayne is looking off.)
This is a lot of fun. Can I borrow the car?
What? Why?
Well, I think I should spend more time with Grandpa - he won't be around forever, ya know. (Shrugs.)
(Jack frowns at Wayne.)
He said so himself. (Gestures.)
(Kevin frowns and gestures.)
What are you gonna do - count the silverware?
(Wayne laughs briefly.)
I'm on to the china.
(Wayne holds his hand out and frowns. Jack puts the keys in his hand.)
I want ya back in two hours.
No problem.
(Wayne makes a fist and smiles as he exits.)
Yes!
*
(Jack has hurt his back, so Roger has taken Norma to the reunion diner and dance. Kevin enters the living room where, Wayne punches some numbers and pulls the lever.)
Face it - nothing made sense. Suddenly everything seemed...up for grabs.
Hey, scrote? Is pewter worth anything?
I don't know...(Frowns.) Hey, can you stop the inventory for a minute? (Gestures.)
What's your problem? (Frowns.)
But it wasn't gonna be easy to put into words.
You think Mom's happy she married Dad? (Frowns.)
Yeah. Uh, of course. (Frowns.)
Really? (Smiles.)
Yeah. Otherwise, she couldn't have had me. (Laughs.)
(Wayne punches some numbers and pulls the lever. Kevin sighs.)
Forget it.
(Kevin walks off. Wayne looks after him and frowns.)
Hey, do me a favor? See what's in the garage...
Yeah. I'll do that.
(Wayne nods slightly and looks at the adding machine.)
*
(Later, after being chased through the neighborhood by the family dog, Kevin bangs open the front door and walks through the house, frowning.)
Six picket fences, fourteen garbage cans, and thirty two backyards later...it was official. This trip was a bust.
(Kevin heads toward the stairs.)
Hey, butthead!
(Wayne holds a pad and paper.)
What happened to you?
(Kevin points toward the street.)
The dog and I took a three-hour tour of the neighborhood. (Frowns.)
Gin! (Gestures.) That's three straight hands! Hah!
Yeah, ya got me again, Karl.
My mother was AWOL...my father had turned into a punching bag...
Well, I better turn in. I haven't been feeling quite up to par, lately.
(Wayne frowns.)
And my brother...
Gee, Gramps - I hope it's nothing serious.
Had become a ghoul.
Oh, I wouldn't worry, Wayne. Us Gustafson's are made of strong stock.
(Karl slaps Kevin's shoulder.)
Hadn't been a one of us didn't live to at least ninety-five.
What? (Frowns.)
(Karl rests on the bannister.)
Yep. (Gestures.) Might as well put that calculator away...
(Karl laughs, and starts up the stairs.)
Night, all.
Ninety-five...Really?
(Wayne hurries after Karl.)
So, how old are you now?

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(Ep 114 - "Summer")

1973 was time of restless energy. The first generation to grow up on "Sgt. Pepper" was heading out into the world. Searching for truth. Looking to find themselves. Having a blast.
(Fade to the furniture factory and workers. The camera pans across the room to Kevin.)
Me? That July, I was working in my dad's furniture factory. Sanding the edges off about 500,000 pieces of wood per day.
(Wayne enters the shot, carrying a clipboard.)
Hey, scrote! Pick up the slack, will ya?
Shut up, Wayne.
That's no way to talk to your supervisor!
You're not my supervisor.
If I'm not your supervisor, why am I wearing a jacket and a tie?
Got me.
Uh-huh...
(Wayne makes notes and walks away.)
*
(Jeff and Chuck have invited Kevin to go on a cross-country trip, but Jack won't let Kevin go.)
What do you mean? It'll be a great trip.
Now, where are they going exactly?
New York, New Orleans, and San Francisco.
San Fran-cisco.
Don't forget to put some flowers in your hair.
*
(Kevin has just had a disappointing telephone conversation with Winnie.)
You're supposed to be out there working. I can't leave you for one minute!
What's your problem?
What's that?!
Dad, get off my back!
What?!
You're on top of me every second, telling me how to run my life. "Do this, don't do that"...
(Wayne approaches, looking concerned.)
I hate this job!
What's going on here?
You know what your problem is?
Yeah. I can't stand it here.
(Jack shakes his head. Wayne looks surprised.)
Uh-uh. You think you're too good for this job.

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11/22/14 15:40