Norma





(Ep 1 - "Pilot")

(Kevin and Paul enter the kitchen. Paul sits on the counter as Kevin looks in the refrigerator. Norma is in another room.)
(Loudly): Mom, can Paul stay for dinner?
(V/O): Sure, if his mom knows.
What are you having?
What are we having?
(V/O): Meat loaf.
I'm allergic to it.
What else?
(V/O): Salad.
(Paul shakes his head.)
*
(Norma is fussing about in the kitchen.)
When's dad coming home?
Any minute. And between the traffic and his job he's liable to be very tense so let's not make him crazy.
He's always tense.
That's true. He's always tense but he's not crazy yet. So let's try to maintain that sense of equilibrium.
(Jack enters through kitchen door.)
Hi hon. How's traffic?
Traffic's traffic.
Dad had a Spartan sense of language.
(Karen enters.)
Karen, honey, you said you were gonna come home early and help me with dinner.
Peace mom, okay? (Gestures.)
Peace is fine, but you said you were gonna help me with dinner.
You have so much bad karma in your life, you know that mom? I'd be careful if I were you.
Thank you, I'll keep an eye out. In the meantime, when your father gets back try not to make him crazy.
*
(Kevin is being questioned by Norma and Mr. Diperna regarding the apple-throwing incident.)
(Sternly): Well, Kevin, perhaps we should start by asking you to explain what in God's name moved you to do what you did.
I wanted to tell them that Wayne embarrassed me, that the other kids were laughing, that Mr. Diperna had played power games with me, that Winnie had seen the whole thing and that she'd been wearing pink fishnets and gogo boots.
I dunno.
"I dunno"? That's all you have to say? "I dunno"?
Kevin, the question is, what did you hope to achieve by throwing an apple into a cafeteria?
(V/O): No butthead, the question is why do you have a brain the size of a baby pea?
Kevin! Mr. Diperna just asked you a question. What did you hope to achieve by throwing that apple into the cafeteria?
(V/O): World peace.
Kevin!
Nothing.
Well, Kevin, that's exactly what you did achieve - nothing. Now, I'm going to let you go without any further punishment. But I want you to know that I'll be keeping my eye on you.
(He leans toward Kevin.)
Do you understand that?
Kevin! Do you understand that?
Yes.
(Jack cracks his knuckles.)
I'd like to take him home now.
*
And then it happened, I think we were about halfway to the front porch.
(Karen and Wayne come outside, on the verge of tears.)
Brian Cooper was killed.
Oh my god! When did they find out?
(Karen shakes her head.)
I'm gonna call Evelyn and see if there's anything I can do. Oh my god, poor Evelyn...poor Jim.

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(Ep 2 - "Swingers")

(The Arnold's are getting ready to go to the Coopers' after Brian's funeral. Norma is poking a bowl of green Jell-O as Kevin watches impatiently.)
Oh no, the Jell-O salad isn't set. Here Kevin, you take the ham.
Like women all over America my mother confronted tragedy and death with cold ham and Jell-O salad.
(Norma continues to fuss with the Jell-O.)
The little marshmallows are just swimming in there.
Come on Norma, let's just go.
Let me put some ice cubes in - it will take five minutes.
You've got the ham. You don't need to bring the Jell-O too.
Five minutes, just give me five minutes.
The rest of us had other ways of dealing with our grief.
(Jack looks out the window. Karen wipes her nose. Wayne puts pretzels in his ears. Kevin paces while holding the ham.)
But I for one was a wreck. I would think about Brian and I'd feel almost sick to my stomach,
and then I would think about Winnie and a thrill would pass through my 12-year-old body like the wind through the trees.
Life's two greatest forces, love and death, were tearing me apart - at the waist.
Come on, mom. Let's go!

*
(The funeral crowd is in the Cooper living room.)
Well here I was at Brian's funeral and Winnie was nowhere to be seen. I felt sort of weird though, I mean what was I going to do if I saw her? Ask her to dance?
(Winnie enters the room.)
Kevin, take this plate of food over and try and get Winnie to eat something. She really needs her old friends right now, go on.
*
(Kevin and Paul have hidden the (unread) book "Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask" under Kevin's mattress. Kevin is rapidly eating his lunch.)
Kevin, slow down. You're going to make yourself sick.
(Paul comes in through the kitchen door.)
You done yet?
Paul! You just left, you couldn't possibly have gone all the way home.
I couldn't?
Mom, can I be excused?
No, you may not be excused. Now just sit down and finish your lunch. Don't forget it's your day to do the dishes.
*
(Wayne and Kevin are fighting over the book in their room. Norma flings open the door. Kevin and Wayne stop fighting.)
What is going on in here?
(Norma spots the book lying on the floor.)
Oh my God!
(The boys get up.)
Uh, Paul, I think you better go home now.
(Paul picks up the book and tucks it under his polo shirt. Norma stops him and gives him a cold stare. Paul hands over the book.)
Well, you gotta give Paul credit for trying!
What are you boys doing with this book?
Don't ask me. Kevin got it.
Kevin? Is that true?
Yes.
Wayne, go outside.
Kids! I don't know! (Exits.)
Kevin, I am so disappointed in you.
At that moment I felt like the lowest thing on earth. I was a pervert, a thief, a sneak. I had always been her sweet innocent little boy, but at that moment my mother couldn't even bear to look me in the eye.
(Emotionally): It's not so much your reading this book! But what were you doing in my dresser drawers anyway?


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(Ep 3 - "My Father's Office")

(Kevin and Wayne are sitting at the kitchen table, as Norma is fidgeting in the kitchen. Jack's car screeches into the driveway.)
TV SHOW about Gorillas: While the mother remains with the young, the male ventures into a hostile environment to find sustenance. He returns after an unsuccessful foray - aggressive and unpredictable. Notice the reaction of the startled mother...(Norma looks out the window)...as her offspring...(Kevin and Wayne look nervous)...begin to sense the presence of the male.
Your father's had a bad day at work so no noise. (Gestures.)
(Jack comes through the kitchen door.)
Hi hon, how's work?
Work's work.
(Jack walks through the kitchen.)
The irritable male gives out unmistakable signals that tell the young to keep their distance.
Let's go play catch.
Good idea.

*
(In the kitchen practicing French.)
Etienne: Maman, nous allons dīner en ville ce soire. Nicole: Oui, Maman, dīnons en ville.
That's very good, Kevin.
*
(Karen is standing on a chair as Norma is hemming Karen's skirt.)
It's too long.
If I made it any shorter it would be a headband.
(Kevin enters through the kitchen door.)
Hey, mom?
Hmmmm?
What does Dad do for a living?
What do you mean what does he do for a living? He works for NORCOM.
Yeah, I know. But what does NORCOM do?
They're part of the military-industrial complex.
It is not. They make those little - thingies. You know, electro...something. I forget what they're called.
Those little "thingies" are helping to burn villages and kill children in Southeast Asia.
They are this big (gestures) for God's sake, they are not killing anybody's children.
But you admit they're used for military purposes.
They're used in toasters and coffee makers.
Oh. So the military does need toast.
Karen?! For God's sake.
Dad doesn't actually make those little thingies, does he?
Well no, of course he doesn't actually make them.
Then what does he do?
Well he's a manager. He manages "distribution and product support services".
My mother obviously hoped the tone of her declaration would forestall the one glaring question that its substance raised.
What does that mean?
No such luck.
Kevin? Why the sudden interest in your father's job?
I don't know...just wondered.
(Sound of Jack's car screeching into the driveway.)
Well, that sounds like him now. Why don't you just go ask him yourself?
(Jack enters the kitchen.)
Hi hon! How was your day?
Day's a day.
(Jack walks through the kitchen. Norma and Kevin frown.)
Yeah. Ask him yourself.
*
(Kevin did ask Jack about work, but Jack was annoyed at him. Now, Norma and Jack are in the kitchen.)
I couldn't help but overhearing a little bit.
(Jack tenses up a little.)
Overhear what?
He just wants to know what you do, Jack.
He knows what I do. I work at NORCOM.
Yeah, but he wants to know what that's like.
(Jack leans back on the counter, holding his drink. Norma is next to him, and puts her arm on Jack's shoulder.)
You gotta relax a little, Jack.
(Jack pulls away and frowns.)
Dammit Norma, don't tell me to relax! I mean what does he want to know? About the seven S-14 forms I gotta fill out every time I turn around? About the whining customers, about the incompetent jackasses in shipping and receiving?
Yeah. Yes, I think that's exactly what he wants to know. He wants to know more about you, Jack! I don't know why that's so hard for you to understand.
(She shakes her head and exits. Jack looks after her.)
*
(In the morning, Karen is sitting at the kitchen table and reading a newspaper. Norma is cooking breakfast. Kevin enters, dressed in a suit and tie.)
Kevin, you look so nice.
(Norma adjusts Kevin's tie.)
Karen, doesn't your brother just look so nice?
He looks like a little running dog, capitalist pig.
Hey, Uncle Sid finally kicked the bucket?
Wayne.
What's with Sir Lancelot here?
Your brother has an interest in what your father does, so he's going to the office with him.

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(Ep 4 - "Angel")

(Norma, Kevin and Wayne are in the kitchen as Karen enters with a blasting 8-track player.)
Turn that noise down! (Frowns.)
That noise is the best guitarist in the whole world!
(Norma approaches Karen.)
Yes, and I'm the best cook in the world! Now turn that down before you cause us all brain damage!
(Jack pauses at the dining room doorway.)
You know, Mom...I live here too. And if I want to listen to my music...
(Jack frowns and walks forward.)
Mom told you to turn it down, now turn it down!
(They all speak at once.)
I know what she told me...
Karen...
If you want to live here, you play by these rules...
*
(Kevin wants to break up Karen and her boyfriend Louis. Kevin enters the kitchen as Norma shells peas.)
Louis is here.
(Norma shrugs slightly.)
Oh?
Yeah. He's in the living room. With Karen.
Hmmph.
(Norma frowns and nods as she shells more peas.)
Well, don't you want to meet him?
I'm sure if your sister wants me to meet Louis, she'll introduce him. I don't want to interfere in her life.
Oh, really? Would it help you to know that this guy is screwing around with half the State university system?
What's he like? (Smiles.)
(Kevin smiles slightly.)
Bingo.
Disturbing...(Nods.)
(Norma smiles slightly in surprise.)
What kind of a word is that for you to use..."disturbing"?
I don't know. (Shrugs.)
Well...(frowns)...what does that mean - "disturbing"? Kevin?!
(Kevin frowns.)
What does that mean?
OK! Don't get mad at me!
Heh-heh-heh. If I couldn't stop this guy myself...I could at least get the troops fired up.
(Norma frowns slightly as Louis and Karen enter, giggling, and Karen tucks her blouse in.)
Mom, this is Louis. Louis, this is my Mom.
(Norma smiles slowly.)
Well, hi, Louis.
(Norma stands up.)
It's nice to meet you.
Mom? Do we have any carrots?
Yes, honey, we have carrots. But I thought it might be nice...(gestures)...if I said hello to your...friend.
(Norma takes a few steps forward and smiles slightly, as she and Louis shake hands.)
It's really nice to meet you.
So, uh, I'm making dinner, now, Louis. There's plenty of chicken if you'd like to stay.
(Kevin looks slightly surprised.)
That's very nice of you...but, actually, um...
Louis doesn't eat meat, Mom.
It's no big deal. I just have some qualms with the way livestock's raised. That's all.
Well...you're more than welcome to stay and fill up on salad and vegetables if you like. (Smiles.)
Well thanks! (Smiles.) Maybe, uh, maybe I'll take you up on that.
(Norma walks toward the counter and picks up a cleaver. She smiles slightly at Louis and looks at a piece of chicken as she breads it.)
So...you don't eat any meat?
No, I really don't. (Smiles.)
Hah!
(Kevin looks toward Norma and smiles slightly.)
My mother was going to expose this guy for the weirdo he was.
(Norma chops some chicken with the cleaver.)
Mrs. Arnold...what do you do?
I beg your pardon? (Frowns.)
I mean, you know, for a living? (Smiles.)
(Norma looks at Louis with embarrassed surprise.)
Oh...of course...right. For a living...
(Norma chops some more chicken.)
Nothing. (Shrugs.) I mean...I'm a housewife.
(She frowns slightly as she whacks the chicken.)
That's certainly not nothing.
No...(smiles)...you're right about that.
(She whacks the chicken.)
God knows...it's demanding at times.
I'll bet. You find it fulfilling?
(Norma pauses and looks at Louis in mild surprise.)
Fulfilling?
(She smiles and laughs, then chops more chicken.)
Who the hell did this guy think he was?
(Kevin frowns slightly.)
Asking my mother if her life was fulfilling?
I guess I've never really thought about that. (Smiles.)
Maybe you should, Mom. (Nods.)
Yikes.
(Norma pauses and looks at Karen, then resumes chopping the chicken more forcefully.)
Did you go to college, Mrs. Arnold?
Oh, yes, I was a...history major in college. (Smiles.) But I...met Karen's father in my Freshman year, so I, I never finished.
You regret not finishing?
Oh, no...
Wow. That's great. I mean...a lot of women find it demeaning, spending their lives serving their husbands and children.
(Kevin frowns.)
OK - look out. Mom is gonna nail this guy now.
(Norma makes a big chop, and the chicken flies toward Louis and lands on his lap. He raises his arms and smiles.)
Uhhhh! Oh, my God!
(Norma picks up the chicken.)
Oh, I am so sorry! And you being a vegetarian and everything. I'm sorry - I'm such a klutz.
(She smiles and shrugs slightly.)
I couldn't believe it. Why was she apologizing to him?
(Kevin frowns at Louis.)
My mom likes serving us!
(Norma slowly looks at Kevin in mild disbelief.)
*
(At dinner.)
Oh, I heard, honey, why the Vandover's didn't go to Brian's funeral. They were in Chicago. (Frowns.) Dick's mother had a stroke. (Nods.)
(Jack looks at Norma.)
Mmm...(Frowns.)
(Norma looks at Louis.)
One of the boys on our block was killed in Viet Nam several weeks ago.
Oh, I-I know. I mean, uh, Karen told me. Another meaningless death.
I beg you pardon?
I-I just meant that...it's just a shame, uh...a kid has to die for basically no reason.
More broccoli, anyone?
I don't think it's meaningless...when a young man dies for freedom and for his country.
I just have a little trouble...justifying dying for a government that systematically represses its citizens.
(Norma looks at Jack.)
Oh, honey. Try the potatoes - I put grated cheese on them. (Smiles.)

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(Ep 5 - "The Phone Call")

(Kevin is trying to get out of going to school, to avoid seeing Lisa Berlini.)
Mom, I have a sore throat.
You do? Come here and let me take a look. Say "Ah".
Ahhhhh...
Well, it is a little red.
(Norma grabs a flashlight and looks inside again.)
Ahhhhh...
Of course, the human throat is always red but fortunately my mother never looked at it when I wasn't complaining.
You'd better go back to bed.
Do I have to?
No arguments. I'll bring you some cocoa and the TV. Go on!
(Kevin turns and grins as he exits.)
*
(Kevin is in the kitchen, still trying to call Lisa. The astronauts are on TV.)
Honey, you're looking a little pale. How's your throat feeling?
(Kevin frowns, and rubs his neck.)
Pretty bad, pretty painful.
You know, maybe I should try looking at that throat when it's normal, you know, just for comparison.
Mom?
Hmmm?
Do you remember the first time dad called you up on the phone?
Um...I don't really remember.
Oh.
I think it was Macy's.
Oh, that's right, Macy's. I was working at a tie counter at Macy's...and your father called to see if he could return a tie.
So you didn't even know him?
Well, yeah, I knew him. Well, I was the one who sold him the tie. I remember holding it up to him...to see if it matched his shirt.
So were you hoping he'd call you?
Hoping? No. I just sold him the tie and I figured that was pretty much it.
(Kevin frowns.)
Oh.
*
(Kevin has just failed to call Lisa - again.)
(V/O): Kevin! Kevin, honey? You should be watching this.
(Kevin walks into the living room. Norma, Jack, Wayne, and Karen are sitting on the couch watching the broadcast of Apollo 8.)
FRANK: For the first time ever seen by human eyes, the planet Earth, rising over the moon.
(Close shot of the TV showing the Earth and moon.)
WALTER CRONKITE: Sort of puts things in perspective, doesn't it Frank? To think that there on that lovely glowing orb, wars are being fought, storms raging, people are being born, people dying, all our human conflict, our passion, our pain, being carried on, beneath that veil of clouded blue.

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(Ep 6 - "Dance With Me")

(Kevin is watching "I Dream of Jeannie" on TV, as Norma fixes dinner. She places a stack of plates on the table in front of Kevin.)
If you guys want to eat tonight you've gotta set the table for me.
Mom...!
And I'd appreciate if you do it now. Not in an hour, not after I Dream of Jeannie, but now.
(Norma sets the place-mats on the table, and switches off the TV.)
First Lisa Berlini, then Winnie Cooper...Now my own flesh and blood. Women were proving to be the bane of my existence.
Kevin?
Huh?
Are you feeling alright?
Yeah.
Something happen at school?
No.
I was too complicated to be pried open like that. I had my dignity.
You sure?
I don't think Mrs. Cooper's a very good mother!
I beg your pardon?
Well, it's just that she's letting Winnie go to this dance with this big eighth-grader...and he's a real jerk. I don't think she should let her go.
Well, is there something Mrs. Cooper should know about this eighth-grader? Does he take drugs or something?
No...
Well, what is it then?
Well, it's just that he's this eighth-grader and he thinks he's so cool and...Winnie's very young, mom.
I know. She is. Did anyone else ask her?
Well, how am I supposed to know? (Gestures.) I'm not even going. (Gestures.)
Well, I guess we...don't really have a lot to say about...who Winnie goes to the dance with.
I know.
And just because you go to a dance with someone...doesn't mean you have to spend the whole night dancing with them.
Yeah.
The great thing about a dance...is that anything can happen.
Mom's advice always followed a certain logic...but somehow it was gonna take that extra maternal nudge to kick me into action.
But if you do decide to stay home, we're having company Friday night. So you...can be mother's little helper.
(Norma taps Kevin's nose. Kevin frowns.)

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(Ep 7 - "Heart of Darkness")

(In the kitchen. Kevin and Paul want to camp out with Gary.)
Who's this Gary character?
Just a kid at school.
Right, Paul?
Yeah, just some kid from school.
Well, how do you know him?
From school. He's in our math class.
Is he a good student?
I think he got the same grade as I did on our last quiz.
Well, I think I better call his mother anyway and see -
Mom! We're going to be right behind his house. And his mom is gonna be right there, the whole time!
(Kevin tears off a sheet from a small notepad, then gives it to Norma.)
Here's the number. Call her if you want. What's the difference if you...trust me or not.
(He crosses his arms and looks down. Norma looks at the paper.)
Talk about a cheap trick!
*
(Kevin and Paul return later that night, after drinking beer and smoking with Gary. Norma opens the door.)
Kevin! What are you doing here? Did something happen? Are you OK?
(Jack appears and stands next to Norma.)
Yeah, we're fine. We just felt like coming home.
It was the truth. But not the whole truth. And looking at my mom and my dad - standing there in their bathrobes, worried about me - I felt a little sick about that.
Well, come on in! It's cold out there. Honey, you should have called us. We would have come to pick you up.
(As Kevin walks past Norma, she puts her hand on his arm, then puts her hand on Paul's back as he follows Kevin in. Norma looks after Paul.)
Paul, are you limping?
(Norma clicks off the light and closes the door.)

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(Ep 8 - "Our Miss White")

(At dinner.)
I thought you hated plays. Why do you want to be in a play all of a sudden?
I don't know. No reason.
Kevin?
(Norma approaches with a pot of coffee.)
What play is it? (Smiles.)
It's called "The Times, They Are a-Changin'". It's about the civil rights movement and stuff like that.
What the hell ever happened to "My Fair Lady"? (Frowns.)
Dad! Theater's supposed to be a form of political expression.
Not when you're twelve.
(Karen stands up.)
Don't you understand? I mean a play like this can raise people's consciousness about racial oppression. (Frowns.) Sheesh.
Watch your tone with your father. (Frowns.)
Yeah, and give me that potato if you're not gonna eat it.
Kevin...I think it sounds wonderful.
Um...(frowns)...we have to rehearse until five-thirty everyday. Um, can you pick me up?
Oh, gee, I don't know. (Frowns.) I'm right in the middle of fixing dinner at five-thirty. Jack, do you think, maybe, you could swing by school and pick him up on your way home?

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(Ep 9 - "Christmas")

(At a department store.)
That Christmas of 1968 my brother, Wayne, and I fell in love. With color-TV. It was more than love. We were witnessing a modern miracle. And we worshipped it like aborigines From the black-and-white stone-age. It was the first thing we ever agreed on.
Cool.
Boss.
Even mom and Karen tended to mist up in the presence of that almost-living color.
(A salesman approaches.)
Hello, can I help you?
Oh!
Yeah. Load a dozen of theses babies into the car - and make it snappy.
Well...
Unfortunately, there was...one very small, very minor, hitch.
You'd really have to...talk to my husband.
*
(Livingroom.)
Honey? You haven't been peeking in the closets, have you?
(Wayne shakes his head.)
Screwdriver!
(Karen reaches into a box, and pulls an ornament out.)
Ah - look everybody! It's the little bird in the cage!
Awwww...
Remember, Daddy?
Uh-oh. Holiday traditions. My family was honey-combed with them.
You know who gave this to us?
(Kevin looks away.)
Uncle Mike...
Your uncle Mike. He used to say that it reminded him...
(Kevin mouths the words as Norma speaks.)
Of the only girl he ever loved.
(Norma coldly looks toward Kevin.)
Pliers!
I hated those old stories. There was a reason.
You know what I'm remembering?
And here it came.
The year Kevin played Santa in the school pageant.
Ugh...
Mom, you don't have to right now. It's -
I know....but you were so cute! The way you came...waddling in, just like a bowl full of jelly.
Yeah, with his pants almost falling off.
Did these people have no mercy?
He was pretty cute.
Wait a minute. Was that a smile on the old man's face? An actual smile? We'd caught him off-guard! Now was our chance. With the right combination of tact and finesse...we might just -
Dad? Are you gonna get us that new color-TV set, or not?
Unbelievable.
What TV?
Nothing, honey.
What TV?
Really! Nothing.
Mom said that we were gonna get one. Didn't you, Mom? (Nods.)
Obviously something critical had malfunctioned in Wayne's brain.
I didn't say definitely...I did say that your father and I might -
Everybody else has one!
*
(Jack and Norma are at the kitchen table, wrapping presents.)
We can't afford it despite what you - what they think.
Well, I think we oughtta -
It's not like I don't work hard for a living, you know. I do what I can.
Honey, I know! It's just that...when I saw it there in the store - TV...I saw the kids looking at it...I saw us here, watching it, together. They've grown up so fast, Jack. Karen's almost leaving us. Honey? What the heck! (Gestures.) Why don't we just go for it? You don't have to give me anything this year...We - We'll eat hotdogs for a month!
(Jack looks off. She puts her hand on Jack's hand.)
You know it would make you feel good.
(Jack glances down, then frowns and sits back.)
*
(Christmas Eve in the livingroom.)
That night, all the seams were showing. Only Mom was in there pitching...like a lone fireman at a five-alarm blaze.
(Norma sets a tray of glasses on the coffee table, and sits on the couch.)
Eggnog, anyone! Lydia Herschmuller just called. To remind us about the carolling party tonight. I told her we'd be there with bells on!
Wayne! Turn it down!
You had to wonder - maybe every family was given only so much Christmas cheer to begin with. Maybe this year my family had run out.
Woops! (Points.) That guy's eating a gray banana!
We have to sing "Little Drummer Boy" tonight.
This was pathetic. Someone had to do something.
Hey, you remember the year I played Santa in the school play?
Well, I'd given it my best shot. Nothing.
If we put on sunglasses, we can watch this in black-and-green!
Wayne had finally reached the limit.
(Wayne slides his Santa hat over his eyes, and reaches out his hands. Jack lowers his newspaper slowly in the background.)
I think I'm picking up some color, here! Oh, it's beautiful. It's -
Wayne! Will you just give it up?! We're not getting a TV! Just forget it! Well, I gotta go.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Where do you think you're goin'?
I have a date.
On Christmas Eve?
Why not?
What your father means -
It's Christmas Eve - we spend Christmas Eve together! I can say what I mean.

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(Ep 10 - "Steady As She Goes")

(At dinner, Wayne answers the phone.)
It's your girlfriend.
Girlfriend?
(On the phone, quietly): Hello? .......Yeah, yeah..........Look, I gotta go. We're eating dinner. (Annoyed) Yes! Bye.
Becky Slater? Is that the Slater family on Elm Street?
Here we go.
(Kevin slaps down some bread.)
Serve up my love life for a little dinner conversation.
(To Jack): Honey, you remember the Slater's? We met them last fall at the PTA fair.
Oh. Tire business, right?
Little Becky Slater, huh? She's a cute one, Kevin.
Why do mothers always feel at liberty to discuss your love life at the dinner table? Probably the same reason they feel it their business to check the crotch of your pants in the middle of a crowded clothing store and say, "Plenty of room in there!"
Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it, Mom.
It's no big deal.
Now, Kevin, I wouldn't call going steady "no big deal."
Going steady?
Mom!
Do kids still give each other ID bracelets?
No. No, we don't. Any other questions?
Whatever happened to Winnie Cooper? I thought you were -
Look, I said it was no big deal! She's just a stupid girl that I met at the skating rink. And I didn't even know her. Okay? She's just one of Winnie Cooper's stupid little friends, and I'm gonna break up with her as soon as I get the chance. Okay?! Are you all satisfied now?

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(Ep 11 - "Just Between You and Me...and Kirk and Paul and Carla and Becky")

(Kevin, Becky, Paul and Carla are cozy on the couch in the basement, as Norma and Wayne enter.)
(Loudly): Hi, Mom. So, you're doing laundry!
Yeah, I thought I would.
(Wayne puts a towel on Kevin's head.)
You're folding, Kevin.
(Norma takes the towel off his head, and peers at Kevin's neck.)
Kevin, what's that on your neck?
(Kevin gets nervous, and casually covers the hickey with his hand.)
Mom, be cool.
Oh this? It's - it's - it's a bug bite!
Ugh, it was embarrassing for everyone.
Hmmm...
Almost everyone.
I don't know, Mom. Looks to me as though it just might be...a monstro-hickey. A love bite. A big...juicy...lip burn. But that's just a guess.
(Wayne makes kissing noises. Norma comes out of the laundry room with the hamper.)
(To Wayne): Take this upstairs!
(Norma inspects the seating arrangements of the kids on the couch.)
Why don't you kids come upstairs and watch TV?
Uh - Star Trek's almost over.
As soon as it is.
OK.

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(Ep 12 - "Pottery Will Get You Nowhere">

(Jack and Norma sit at the dining room table, with papers spread out in front of them.)
In all the years I spent growing up at my parents' house, I don't think I ever heard them use the word "relationship". Not once.
Damn taxes are givin' me indigestion.
"Indigestion"..."taxes"..."damn" - these were words you heard a lot.
(Cut to dinner at the kitchen table.)
I guess my mom just expected my dad to be a good man - honest, loyal, a good provider...hopefully possessed of good table manners.
(Jack burps quietly, covers his mouth, and glances at Norma.)
Excuse me.
And my dad expected my mom to be a good woman - honest, loyal, a good mother -
(Jack frowns at the food on his fork.)
What is this?
Tuna tetrazzini.
And hopefully a good cook. And that was about it.
(Cut to a hardware store. Jack and Norma are browsing through samples of kitchen floor tiles.)
But if my parents didn't know much about relationships, they knew a lot about marriage. Like how to make a joint-decision. Mom would choose what she liked...Dad would choose what he liked...then they'd settle on something no one of our species could like.
(Cut to on the road in the Arnold car. Norma holds a map.)
They could completely disagree about something, without directly contradicting each other.
That was twenty-nine.
I told you - I'm stayin' on seventeen till Abbotsville.
You think I should have taken twenty-nine.
I didn't say that. You can stay on seventeen.
Thank you.
(Norma pauses and points to the map.)
But that was twenty-nine.
(Kevin and Wayne begin fighting in the back seat.)
One thing my parents would never, ever do...
(The car stops at a barricade in the road. Signs read "Dead End" and "No Entry". Jack and Norma look at each other.)
Is yell at each other in front of the kids.
(Jack and Norma turn to face the back seat, and speak simultaneously.)
Kevin! Wayne! I told you to knock it off!
Boys! That's enough!
Course, they had no problem yelling at the kids in front of each other.


*
(Norma is at the sink as Kevin enters the kitchen.)
Oh, Kevin? Will you look at this bowl? (Gestures.)
Yeah?
You think it's big enough for the Swedish meatballs?
Sure.
(Wayne enters.)
Oh, Wayne? You see that bowl?
Yeah.
Will you take it over to the table?
Sure.
Oh, not there.
(Karen enters.)
Karen...That bowl there?
This one?
Yeah. Will you put that in the middle of the table? (Nods.) Well...I guess that's everything. Oh, uh, Jack - could you lift up that bowl?
Something about a bowl, here?
(Norma slides a trivet under the bowl. Jack sets the bowl down and sighs. He pauses and looks at Norma. Norma looks at Jack. Jack looks at Norma.)
What?
Notice anything different? (Smiles.)
(She glances down, then looks at Jack with a straight face.)
You changed your hair. (Smiles.)
I changed my hair three weeks ago...
That's what I meant. (Gestures.) Three weeks ago...(Smiles.)
No...(Smiles.) The bowl. idn't anybody notice the new bowl? I made it!
Hmmm...
Wow...
How'd you make it?! (Smiles.)
Well, I signed up for this ceramics course at the community college. I never would have thought of doing that...but Joyce Lynn Sedakis was signing up for it...and she said it sounded really neat...and I thought...why not?!
(Jack looks down, frowns, and starts to fidget.)
So, I didn't tell anyone...cuz I didn't know if I'd be really good at it.
(Norma smiles and shrugs.)
I mean, I know it's not really good...but it's just my first one.
It's supposed to be lopsided? (Shrugs.)
Well, no...I tried to...
I think it's cool that it's lopsided. I mean, it's like...(nods)...more natural-looking.
It really is kind of neat, you know. You put this piece of clay on the potter's wheel...you flip the switch, poke your fingers into it, and it just turns into a bowl...like magic. It's amazing to think of all the things you could do with this...
Mom? That's fascinating. Maybe we could talk about it over dinner. (Nods.)
I could tell my mother was waiting for something. Although she wasn't gonna come right out and ask it. She wanted my father to say he liked the bowl. And I'm sure he knew she wanted him to say he liked the bowl. And she knew he knew she wanted to to say he liked the bowl...but for some reason, that I don't think any of us understood, he wasn't saying it.
So what do you think, honey?
A direct question. This was a bold and unexpected move.
Smells great! Let's eat.
(Norma looks away, then back to Jack, frowning slightly.)
*
(Another day in the kitchen. Jack yells to Norma in another room.)
Norma?! Where's my cup?!
I guess I should mention, here...that my dad had this cup. It had a picture of fish playing poker on it, and it said "Greetings from Independence, Missouri". He loved that cup.
(Jack finds the cup in the back of the cabinet.)
What is it doin' way back there?
I made you a new one. (Smiles.)
Oh...
See? I made the handle bigger so it's easier to use.
(Norma takes his old cup, and hands him the new one.)
Oh...(Frowns.)
I just thought this was all stained and chipped...and I just wanted you to have a nice, new cup for a change.
But I don't wanna change. (Gestures.) I like my old cup.
Fine. If you don't like the cup I made...you don't have to use it.
Oh, OK. Alright, I'll use it. (Frowns.)
No, you don't have to! I don't want to use it if you don't like it, Jack -
(Jack and Norma tug on the cup. Jack wins.)
I want to use it!
Ya notice he didn't say he liked it.
Well, maybe you could use both cups, Dad...
(Jack frowns and turns slowly toward Kevin.)
See, that way, you wouldn't have to...get up...and...pour yourself...a...second cup.
(Jack looks at Kevin, then takes a seat. Karen pats another one of Norma's pottery things.)
This is nice, Mom.
Yeah? You really think so?
Yeah! Yeah I do. I...I think it's really interesting.
(Norma approaches and leans on the counter.)
Richard said it has a real feeling of...texturality...(shrugs)...or textuality, or something. (Nods.)
Nhhhnn.
(Jack is looking at the newspaper.)
Dad's grunt meant "who is this Richard...and why is he talking to my wife about textuality?".
Richard had to teach a blind man, once...how to throw pots...(nods)...so he taught himself how to do it with his eyes closed.
That's really beautiful!
(Jack burps.)
And that meant "I wonder how far I could throw this guy with my eyes closed?"
Now, Richard's teaching himself to pot with his feet. Because there's this man with no hands...
(Jack turns the page of the newspaper, and knocks the cup off the table. The cup hits the floor and breaks. Norma frowns and straightens up, looking at the cup, then Jack. Jack glances from the cup to Norma.)

*
(Another day. The kids are at the kitchen table. Jack is at the open refrigerator, and Norma is at the sink.)
Don't we have any Pepsi?
Oh, no...we're out.
Oh. You goin' to the store?
I hadn't planned to...
Where are ya goin'?
Class.
I thought you had class on Wednesday.
I have to take my vase out of the kiln.
Well, you gonna stop at the store on the way home?
If you want me to...
I didn't say I wanted you to...
OK...
But if you're going to, you can get me some Pepsi.
You want Pepsi? I'll get you Pepsi.
Nah, forget it. (Frowns.) I'll drink the Fresca.
You want Pepsi, I'll get Pepsi.
Nah, forget it.
I said...I'll get it, OK?!
OK! (Frowns.)
(Norma gets her purse.)
Fine!
(She looks at Jack and heads toward the door. Jack shuts the refrigerator door.)
Fine! (Frowns.)
*
(Kevin is in the kitchen as Norma returns.)
Hi, Mom!
(Norma holds the vase up.)
You made that?!
Uh huh...(Nods.)
That's really nice! I like that!
(Norma smiles and looks at the vase, then sets it on the counter.)
Mom - that is beautiful. Look at this...
Yeah - that one didn't turn out too bad, did it? (Smiles.)
No - it's really good! (Smiles.)
You know, I didn't follow instructions on this one. Richard told us to keep our eyes closed, and...when he shut his - I peeked. (Smiles.)
You are turning into such a rebel. I mean tomorrow, we're gonna come home and find you burning your bras.
Karen!
You know, Mom, you should make more like this one. I mean, I bet you could sell 'em at the little craft store down by the movie theater.
You really think so?
Yeah!
(Jack enters from outside.)
You get the Pepsi?
Oh - I forgot. (Frowns.)
Great.
Well, I'm sorry. I just forgot.
I know...(Nods.)
I'm sorry...don't get upset! I'll just go get it now. (Gestures.)
I'm not upset. It's just you said you were going to get the Pepsi.
(Norma turns over her shoulder and frowns slightly.)
If you knew you were going to forget - I could have gotten it myself. (Shrugs.) I mean, you shouldn't say you're gonna get Pepsi for someone...(nods)...if you're just gonna forget to get it.
Oh, I see. (Nods.) I'm just supposed to know when I'm gonna forget something?
Sure. (Nods.) I knew you were going to forget. (Nods.)
Time to check the score on the old ballgame. There really wasn't much I could add to the conversation.
You know, Dad? Sometimes you can be such a male chauvinist pig.
Karen, on the other hand...somehow knew just the right thing to say.
(Karen and Kevin walk toward the living room as Norma puts on her coat.)
Where're you goin'?
(Norma reaches for her purse.)
I better get your Pepsi while it's still fresh on my mind.
Don't bother - I'll get it.
No, that's OK, Jack!
No, I said I'll get it...
(Jack as he reaches next to the vase.)
Don't break it!
(Norma hurriedly picks up the vase.)
I'm not gonna break it, Norma! (Gestures.)
(Wayne and Karen are sitting on the couch. Kevin sits on the floor in front of it, looking toward the kitchen.)
Just because you hate my pottery is no reason to smash it to pieces!
I don't hate your pottery!
Notice he didn't say he liked it.
Well, you certainly act like you hate it!
Now, what's that supposed to mean?!
It means that from the moment I started doing this - you haven't had one nice thing to say!
Well, maybe I'm not big on pottery! So sue me!
Well, you certainly seem fond of your stupid little fish cup! I've never seen anyone so attached to anything since Kevin had to give up his blankie!
(Kevin looks off and sighs.)
I don't want to talk about this.
Well maybe I do, Jack! It's not fair - you're making me feel like I'm doing something wrong!
You're crazy! I'm not makin' you feel anything! (Gestures.)
Oh, sure - you've been a regular "Mr. Sunshine"! You know, Jack, the kids all say "that's nice, Mom". My friends say "that's nice, Norma". My teacher says "very good, Mrs. Arnold". And you say..."where's the Pepsi?!"
I really don't have time for this.
I spend my time trying to make something nice for the family...(gestures)...and you don't even have the common courtesy to say you like it!
Don't gimme that, Norma! (Gestures.) This family doesn't need an ashtray for two-hundred people! This family needs Pepsi! (Gestures.)
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life, Jack! You should listen to yourself - "I want my Pepsi! I want my cup!" You sound like an infant!
Don't you ever - ever!...speak to me in that tone of voice!
I'll speak the way I want to...
Fine...don't expect me to listen to it.
(Jack turns and walks out the door. Norma puts her hand on her hip and looks down, then walks into the living room past the kids.)
*
(That night, Kevin is lying awake in bed.)
The silence that filled our house that night - was like ice. My dad didn't come home till after midnight.
(Kevin puts his hands behind his head. The kitchen door opens, then slams shut. Kevin flinches, and looks at the ceiling.)
(Fade to morning in the kitchen. The kids are at the table as Norma enters from the living room with a basket of laundry, and sets it next to the ironing board. Jack enters from the living room. He pauses and looks at Norma, then moves toward a cabinet. Norma looks at him, then looks down as he gets a cup. Norma reaches for the iron and burns her hand.)
Ow! Damn!
(Norma shakes her hand and frowns, then hurries to the faucet and sticks her hand in the water. Jack takes a step away, looking at her. Norma shakes her hand and looks at it. She leans on the counter and Jack looks at her, as she starts to cry. Jack looks at his cup, then Norma. He sets his cup on the laundry and approaches her, gently putting his hands on her shoulders. Norma turns around, and they hug.)
I know it sounds strange - but that was the first time...I'd ever seen my parents alone together.
Did you burn yourself?
Uh-huh...(Nods.)
(They separate slightly, and Jack takes her hand and looks at it.)
It's OK?
(Norma nods.)
Yeah...
(Jack leans closer.)
That's good...
(They kiss.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking at them. The camera pulls back slowly past Karen and Wayne and keeps pulling back.)
I guess sometimes the ground can shift beneath your feet. Sometimes your footing slips - you stumble. And sometimes, you grab what's closest to you, and hold on...
(The camera pulls past Jack and Norma, who are hugging.)
As tight as you can.

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(Ep 13 - "Coda")

(Kevin, Paul and Doug are playing football in the street, celebrating a touchdown.)
Kevin! It's four-thirty...You better get a move on! (Frowns.)
(Kevin steps onto the sidewalk and picks up his bike.)
And so the AFL championship game of 1968 came to a grinding halt.
(Kevin rides off past Paul.)
In front of 60,000 screaming fans...the league's leading passer...had to go to his weekly piano lesson.
*
(At dinner.)
So, Kevin? How was your lesson?
OK.
You know, I bumped into Mrs. Hirschmuller in the supermarket, today. And she told me how excited Ronald was about playing in the recital this year. I didn't know this year's recital was coming up.
(Norma looks at Kevin as she butters her bread.)
Did you know this years' recital was coming up?
Well...yeah...
Are you gonna be playing in it?
Well...
Mom...(frowns)...recitals are for wusses. Of course he's gonna play.
Wayne, there is nothing feminine about playing the piano. And even if there was, I think it's good that Kevin is in touch with that.
Look. (Gestures.) I'm not going to be playing in the recital, anyway. I already told Mrs. Carples that.
Why not? (Frowns.)
Cuz I just don't feel like it. (Gestures.) Look. I'm not like Ronald Hirschmuller.
Well, that's too bad, because, you know I bumped into Mrs. Carples at the supermarket, too.
Jeez, Mom. Did ya bump into any food?
And she said...that you have real talent. (Smiles.)
What?!
She said you didn't practice enough, but that you have real talent.
Real talent? OK, hold it, hold it! Act casual - get some more information. Casually.
Uh...when did she say that?
Well...we were in the produce section - I was picking out some tomatoes for the spaghetti sauce -
Mom!
Well, that's when she said it. That you had real talent. (Smiles.)
Jeez - real talent.
And she said it right in front of Mrs. Hirschmuller, too.
A key bit of information. But there was still one thing I wanted to know.
Well...did she say I'm as good as Ronald Hirschmuller?
(Norma pauses, then frowns.)
Well, no...I-I don't think she said that.
Isn't Ronald Hirschmuller like really, really good?
You as good as Ronald Hirschmuller...fat chance.
Wayne! (Frowns.) Now, no one expects you to be as good as Ronald Hirschmuller, honey...
*
(Kevin choked at the dress rehersal and has decided not to play the recital.)
You know, it's still not too late to change your mind.
Mom...I told ya yesterday...I just don't feel like playing in the recital. I just don't...want to take the lessons anymore.
But you practiced so hard! (Frowns.)
It's no big deal.
(Frowns.) I just don't understand why -
Mom! (Gestures.) I'm just sick of piano, OK? Dad said I didn't have to take lessons anymore if I didn't want to. Can I go out for a while? Paul and Doug are waiting for me.
(Norma looks at Kevin and hesitates, looks down, then at Kevin.)
Well...
Thanks.
Kevin!
(Kevin looks expectantly at Norma. Norma looks concerned and rests on the laundry basket.)
Don't stay out too late. (Nods.)
OK...
(Kevin turns and opens the door. Norma looks off with concern.)

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(Ep 14 - "Hiroshima, Mon Frere")

(Paul and Kevin are doing a hampster maze experiment.)
They're still upset from this afternoon. Wheezer is breathing very fast, and Puffy - I mean the control-subject - has the, uh...hiccups. Maybe we should go to my house and do this.
Relax. Wayne won't try anything - not with Mom and Dad around.
(Sound of Norma's high-heels.)
Oh, no. What was that sound?
Mom! You're wearing high-heels. (Frowns.)
It could only mean one thing.
You're father and I are going out, honey! (Smiles.)
Oh...no...!
(Wayne enters.)
OK - get the rats out of the kitchen! (Frowns.)
They're hampsters!
We got Mom's permission!
Mom...you're not gonna let them do their stupid experiment in here...
I already told them they could.
But Angela's coming over.
Angela's coming over? (Frowns.) In your dreams!
Eat your heart out, sonny boy - she wants me. (Frowns.) Now, beat it!
You beat it!
No, I'll beat you!
Yeah, right!
I'll beat -
Yeah, get off me, stupid.
Now, can't your father and I leave you for two hours, without you two at each other's throats?! (Frowns.)
(They pause, holding each other's throat.)
Uh-uh.
Wayne - you can use the living room...Kevin and Paul can use the kitchen.
Mom...(Frowns.) You don't want these little rodents in here! I mean, we eat in here.
It'll be alright!
They're so dirty and smelly!
They are not - they're clean!
It'll leave these little pellets...(gestures)...all over the place. And they're gonna get in your walls and breed! (Frowns.)
Wayne knew just how to play Mom. If there was one thing she dreaded, it was that animals would get in her walls and breed.
Kevin - I want them in the cage at all times. Do you understand?
Yes, Mom.
I'm gonna go get the vacuum out, and I want you to clean up after them. (Exits.)
I don't care what Mom says. As soom as they're gone, you're gone, butthead!
No, I'm not, butthead!
Yes you are, dorkface!
Things were going badly.
Dorkhead...
I needed help in a big way.
(Jack enters.)
Dad! Mom already gave me permission to do my project in here, and Wayne's starting to -
I don't want to hear it.
(Jack turns to Karen who enters.)
Karen? You're in charge.
Karen?
Can we rely on you, honey? (Smiles.)
Don't worry, Mom. Now, go on, or you'll miss your movie. (Nods.)
OK...bye-bye...
It came down to this...my last hope for peaceful co-existence lay in the hands of a seventeen-year-old flower-child.
(Karen looks out the window.)
And yet - call it crazy - I felt a sudden rush of faith in my sister.
I'm outta here. You guys are on your own. (Exits.)

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(Ep 15 - "Loosiers")

(Walter Cronkite on TV): Citizens of Prague who were shocked and stunned by the assault, offered no military resistance to the overwhelming forces. By dawn, the city was under Soviet control. More, after this...
(Commercial announcer): Irregularity...
(Jack turns to Karen.)
So...you want to defend your Communists, now?
I happen to be a Socialist.
Oh, Socialist. I see...
Honey, did you say you wanted iced-tea with dinner?
And for your information, that same oppression exists in your own backyard.
Do you see a tank in my backyard? (Gestures.) I don't see a tank in my backyard.
Does anyone not want Brussel sprouts with dinner?
It was funny how those things would go. Dad would argue...Karen would argue...and Mom would get the ulcer.
Oh, Kevin - please refill that ice-tray when you're finished with it.
The news is on, folks...
Talk about Fascism...
Once again, our top story...there is no joy on the streets of Prague, tonight. Soviet forces patrol the city with one purpose in mind - to crush the spirit of the people.

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(Ep 16 - "Walk Out")

Do you believe that - a dollar-nineteen for a pound of bacon? Just last week it was ninety-nine cents! There's hardly any lean meat on there.
Norma, where are my brown socks?
Oh - they're in the dryer. Wayne! Why don't you have a little toast with your jelly?
Oh, that is so gross.
Kevin, eat your eggs.
Mom, the yokes are runny. I can't eat 'em when the yokes are runny.

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(Ep 17 - "Nemesis")

(Norma is taking Kevin's temperature.)
Mom, I feel terrible.
I know you do, sweetheart.
It's not the flu. I said some stuff about some people at school. And then, they all found out what I said, and now everyone hates me.
Well, honey, it can't be that bad.
It is.
What'd you say?
Well, I said that Bobby Jensen walks like a duck.
Oh, well, come on, that's not so terrible.
And that, Paul dances like a sea monkey.
You said that?
And, Winnie walks around like she forgot to take the hanger out of her shirt.
That's not nice.
Everybody's gonna hate me.
I could see the thoughts forming in my mother's mind. Things like..."Well, you made your bed and now you're gonna have to lie in it."
Well, we all make mistakes. I think your friends'll forgive you. You want me to bring you the TV?
OK. (smiles) Thanks.
(Norma leaves, shutting the door behind her.)
I felt so much better, I wanted to cry.
(Kevin picks up a stuffed elephant lying next to him and plays with it.)
How bad could I be? My mother still loved me...But from now on, I'd be a better person. If I didn't have anything nice to say, I wouldn't say anything at all. If only Winnie would -
(Norma opens the door a little.)
Kevin? There's someone here to see you.
(Winnie enters and smiles, and Kevin smiles back.)
Hi.
Hi!
I hope you didn't catch the flu from me.
Hey, I knew the risks.
Very cool. Before you bend steel with your bare hands you might wanna lose Mr. Snuffles there.
(Kevin quickly hides the stuffed elephant under his covers.)
Well, I'll...leave you two alone.

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(Ep 18 - "Fate")

(Dinner.)
Honey, you're not eating.
I'm not hungry.
Even if I had been, no way I was going to take on an ear of corn with a busted jaw.
But you love corn on the cob!
(Wayne reaches for Kevin's corn.)
I'll take it.
Thank God so far no one had even noticed my souvenir. With a little luck...
(Karen frowns at Kevin.)
Uh, Kevin, what's that on your face?
Uh-uh...it's nothing.
Looks like a huge hickey.
It's not!
Honey, what is that?
Yeah, what the hell is that?
It-it's...nothing, really.
Eddie...heh-heh...Pinetti.
Who's Eddie Pinetti?
Wayne.
Well he's this guy...in eigth grade who rips tonsils out with his bare hands.
Wayne!
Kevin picked a fight with him.
I did not!
Eh, that's what I heard.
Kevin, he hit you?
Look, Mom, it's no big deal. (He shrugs.)
Kevin, he hit you?!
Kids today! They're animals.

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(Ep 19 - "Birthday Boy")

(Jack pacing as he talks on the phone. Norma and Kevin are sitting at the table in the background, preparing green beans.)
You gotta be crazy - I'm not gonna pay that......Well, let me talk to the mechanic........Yeah, yeah - I'll hold.
So what are you and Paul gonna do for your birthday this year?
Nothing, I guess. (Frowns.) Paul's having his bar mitzvah. (Shrugs.)
It's not that I was jealous of Paul. It's not that I was feeling sorry for myself. It's just...maybe there was a mini-bike in this for me somewhere.
That's right - I forgot. Well, what are we gonna do about your birthday?
I don't know.
(Norma tosses a bean into the bowl.)
Well, it has to be something good. You're turning thirteen - it's a big one.
I guess.
Just not the same without Paul, huh? (Frowns.)
Either that, or it's just not the same without a hundred presents and a live band...
Aw, honey.
(Norma rubs his head. Kevin looks down.)
OK - good, good. Ya got her right where you want her. Now hit her with the trump card.
Well, I'm not sure I even want to do anything this year.
The martyr routine.
I mean, unless some -
Five hundred dollars? Since when does an alternator cost five-hundred dollars? (Gestures.).......Well, what the hell does a transmission got to do with this?
Like I was saying...unless we could do like a -
Look...just don't touch my car, alright?! Leave it just like you found it! (Gestures.) I'll be right down.
(Jack hangs up the phone and turns to Norma.)
Better grab your coat - I'll need a ride down to the garage.
(Jack takes his jacket off the chair and starts to put it on. Norma looks at Kevin.)
Don't worry, honey.
(Norma stands up and starts to put on her coat.)
We're gonna do something fun for your birthday. Right, Jack?
(Kevin rests his head on his fist and looks toward Jack. Jack finishes putting on his coat and walks quickly toward the door.)
Yeah. How 'bout we get Kevin a brand new alternator for his birthday.
*
(Norma is doing dishes as Kevin approaches.)
Mom?
Yeah?
I was just thinking about something. (Frowns.)
Uh-hmm?
Oh...I don't know...See, um...I was over at Paul's house tonight for dinner...and see...Grampa Pfeiffer was telling...all these stories about his bar mitzvah, and...when he lived in Russia and everything...and...I started thinking about our family, and I -
(Norma turns on the garbage disposal. Kevin pauses and frowns.)
Is it some kind of law that they had to run the garbage disposal at critical moments of psychological development?!
Mom?!
(Norma flips off the disposal and looks at Kevin expectantly.)
Yeah?
I-I was just asking you about where our family came from. I mean...(shrugs and frowns)...what are we?
What are we? (Frowns.)
Yeah, you know...like, Paul's Jewish...and Winnie's Irish...so...(shrugs)...what are we?
(Norma frowns and looks off, then glances at Kevin.)
Oh, well Gosh, Kevin...
(She frowns and looks off again.)
That's...kinda hard to...well, lemme...(shrugs)...lemme see.
(She looks at Kevin.)
Jack's mother is Italian - well, actually she's half Italian...(nods)...cuz her mother's Romanian, and then...
(Norma looks off, then back.)
His father's Polish...
(She looks off.)
I'm pretty sure about that.
(She looks at Kevin.)
And then my great-grandfather came over from Scandinavia - came over a long time ago and married my great-grandmother...
(Kevin starts to look a little disappointed.)
Whose parents were Welsh. But of course, she grew up in Ohio - before they moved to Detroit.
(Norma glances off, and back. Kevin glances off.)
And as my mother tried to put together the strands of our old and faded family tree...I came to realize what so many American's do in search of their roots.
(Norma looks off in thought.)
Or was it Norway?
(Kevin rests his head against the cabinet.)
I...was a mutt.
(Kevin glances off and frowns.)
*
(Norma is holding a birthday cake, and with Wayne and Karen, singing "Happy Birthday".)
Happy birthday...dear Kevin...
(Wayne, Karen and Kevin are on the couch, as Norma kneels in front of the table and sets the cake down.)
Happy birthday to you.
(Wayne sings "And you smell like one too".)
Well, my entrance into the teen years. The big "one-three".
(Kevin blows out the candles.)
Could it get any sweeter than this?
(Norma stands up and walks to the window.)
Darn! Your dad wanted to have the car back in time for the party so we could all go for a ride after.
Yep. Paul gets a band and a thousand bucks...and I get a ride in an Impala with a new fuel pump.
(Norma returns to the table and sits down on the floor.)
Well, why don't we just start? He'll be along.
Here.
(Karen taps one of the presents.)
Open mine first.
(Kevin picks up a large colored envelope and opens it.)
A poem.
(Karen snatches it from Kevin and stands up.)
Here. I'll read it out loud. It's called "The Pain of Youth". The pain of youth. All its slings and arrows...Stands breathless, facing time. Edging its way to the rim of the nest. He is pushed, left to fall. Fall. Fall to the earth. And break, writhing in pain.
(A horn sounds outside. Karen looks up.)
Oops! That's my ride - I gotta go.
(Karen bends down, hold the poem out and pats Kevin on the shoulder.)
Happy birthday, Kev.
(Karen steps over Kevin and exits toward the door.)
Why don't you open the rest of your presents?
Yeah, presents!
(Kevin smiles as he picks up a present.)
Who needed a rite-of-passage? Who needed a father's support? I had...
A turtleneck.
(He smiles a little disappointedly. He opens another present.)
A bathrobe.
(He opens another present.)
A wallet. (Smiles.)
And finally...
A thesaurus.
(Kevin sets the book down, and smiles disappointedly.)
Well, I just thought when you were writing a term paper or something, and you wanted to say something is "good", for example...then you just turn to "good"...and you can say "considerate"..."unblemished", or "pure".
(Norma looks at Kevin and smiles.)
Any synonyms for "extremely disappointed" in there?

See also "Full Transcript"



(Ep 20 - "Brightwing")

A "D" in math?
Mom.
Don't "mom" your mother.
As far as I could tell, her main function in the family was an on-going battle-of-wills with our parents.
You've always been good at math.
There's gonna be plenty of math on the SAT's, believe me.
Dad, geometry has nothing to do with life! (Frowns.)
"D" in math...
You're not even listening to me! (Frowns.)
*
You gave Kevin a ride?
Well, sure! (Smiles.)
A ride to where?
To school...(Nods.) Right, Kev?
Uh, yeah! To school.
In...Julie's car?
(Karen and Kevin nod.)
Oh. (Nods.) That was nice of you.
Except...they didn't go right to school. Did ya, guys?
No...(nods)...we didn't, Wayne.
I didn't think so.
See, Julie's car was sputtering - it does that when it's low on gas - but Julie thought that we could make it to a gas-station.
(Kevin frowns.)
What?!
Really...
But then...we saw Kevin and Paul...so Sandy said, "Let's pick 'em up, in case we have to push".
(Kevin frowns.)
Help!
And then?
And then...(gestures)...we made it to the gas-station. And there was this really cute guy working the pumps. So we stopped to talk for a while...And then...we dropped Kevin and Paul off at school! Right, Kev?
What was I gonna say? This story wasn't gonna float!
Well...(Frowns.) You were lucky.
Huh?!
You could have been late for school. (Nods.) Both of you!
*
What's that on you face?
Uh...I was, uh...
Uh-oh...Stay calm, now. How would Karen handle this?
Fingerpainting!
Fingerpainting?
Uh, yeah...in art class.
Come on, Kevin. (Frowns.) Fingerpainting is for five-year-olds.
Th-th-that's the idea...it was just...like, uh...an experiment.
Oh, please continue. This is fascinating.
Uh...see...
(Norma accidentally cuts her finger with a knife.)
Ugh...um. Wayne...Wayne - run and get me a band-aid...
Whoa - close call.
Thank you...
And suddenly I got this weird feeling. My God - my mother was spilling her own blood, making my dinner...and all I was giving her in return were lies.
Honey? Are you OK? (Nods.)
Uh, s-sure, Mom.
Well, you look all white. (Smiles.) It's just a little cut. It's nothing to worry about. (Smiles.)
Lies.
(Sound of tapping. Kevin looks over his shoulder at the TV. TV Fantasy - black-and-white shot of Jack and Norma dressed in police uniforms, standing at a closed door.)
-: Open it up! We know you're in there! Open up! No use tryin' to hide from us...
-: We know all about your secret! Open up, Kevin!
-(The door opens. Kevin is wearing a hippie outfit. Kevin's nose is painted red.)
-: Mom? (Frowns.) Dad? (Frowns.)
-: Book 'em, Norma.
-(Norma holds up a pair of hand-cuffs, and lets one drop. Jack and Norma laugh.)


*
Um, Karen? Is something wrong at school?
I don't think so. Why?
How's your math coming?
Fine! (Nods.) I'm doing it now.
Phew - false alarm. Just a homework nudge.
I just got a, uh, call...from a guidance counselor. A George...something.
Did she say "George"?
(A bit of music of doom plays.)
Do you know him?
Yeah! (Smiles.) Yeah, he's cute. (Nods.) He's young. He looks like a student.
George Finch.
(A bit of music of doom plays.)
He wants me to...come in for a conference, tomorrow.
What kinda conference? (Frowns.)
I'm not sure. He said we'd discuss it tomorrow.
*
(Late night in the kitchen. Jack is on the phone.)
Now, look. It-it, I know 's two-thirty in the morning...and we're, we're just tryin' to find our daughter. We thought she might be with Julie.
(Kevin enters and rubs his head.)
No - Julie's not here!...Who?....Sandy Potter?
No, I called her first. Maybe they're at Tina's.
(On the phone): Who the hell is Tina...?
Karen had lied to me.
(On the phone): Did you look in your garage?....The garage! Doesn't she keep that bucket of bolts in the damn garage?
It was time to face the music.
(Jack sighs heavily and paces.)
Uh, I-I know where she is.
(On the phone): Well check it, for - ! (To Norma): He didn't even check his damn garage...
Uh, I-I've been helping her ditch school, and, and-and...
(On the phone): Look, look, uh, check that Tina...
(Jack's gestures toward Norma. Norma turns to her purse.)
(On the phone): What's-her-name's number...
Karen was right - they never listened.
I-I know where she is! She's at the hill. It-it...that's where she goes...with Julie and Sandy and Tina!
(On the phone): Uh, no.
(Jack looks at Norma.)
(To Norma): Julie left an hour ago.
(Norma turns around, concerned.)
I said she's at the hill! (Frowns.) That's where she goes - that's her big secret! (Frowns.)
(Jack slams the phone down, then looks at Norma.)
They took Julie's car...They've gone to San Francisco.
They've run away?
I'll, uh...put on some clothes.
(Jack touches Norma's arm and exits. Norma looks after him then covers her mouth and starts to cry.)
Oh, my God...

See also "Full Transcript"



(Ep 21 - "Square Dance")

(At dinner, Wayne smiles at Kevin.)
I hear you're in love. I hear you really, really, want her. An hour a day isn't enough, huh?
Shut up, Wayne.
(Karen enters from the living room.)
Shut up about what?
Nothing.
Kevin was square dancing in gym today.
Square dancing? (Frowns.) What kinda sport is that? Don't they teach wrestling anymore?
Oh, I don't know, honey. I'm sure it teaches good...eye-foot...coordination.
So, uh...who'd you get as a partner, Kev?
Some girl.
Some girl? Oh, surely you're too modest.
Well? Who was it, Kevin?
(Kevin looks at his food and puts a forkful in his mouth.)
Margaret Farquhar...
I didn't get that. Could you speak up? (Smiles.)
Margaret Farquhar? (Nods.) Trudy Farquhar's sister? She's a little different, isn't she?
Hah-hah-hah. Are you kidding? She's a joke! She's a gleep!
(Wayne laughs, then frowns at Kevin.)
Sorry, Kevin...
Hey! I didn't pick her. And besides, first thing tomorrow...I'm gonna dump her. (Smiles.)
Kevin! (Frowns.) That's not very nice. You wouldn't really do that, would you?
Well...(Shrugs.)
Just because she's different...doesn't mean you can't be nice to her.
Well, look...she's just...not popular. (Shrugs.) OK?
(Norma looks up from her food.)
Uh-oh. Fatal mistake. I'd opened the door for the most dreaded words in the dictionary of kid-dom.
Kevin...I expect more of you than that.
Ahhh-ouch!
*
(Kevin and Margaret are dancing as Mr. Cutlip calls the moves. They join hands and approach. Margaret is smiling, but Kevin is stiff and uneasy. He glances at Margaret, then off.)
What do mothers know? Let them spend a morning on the slippery slopes of seventh-grade society.
Girls to the center - form a star.
Suddenly, I felt singled out.
Boys to the center - same as before.
A marked man.
(The boys join hands and Kevin sighs. They start to circle around.)
Havin' fun? (Smiles.)
In your dreams. (Frowns.)
Looks like love to me!
Are you kidding! (Frowns.) She makes me want to -
(Sound of a bell as Kevin pauses and looks off.)
(V/O): Kevin...
(Kevin sighs, and continues.)
(V/O): I expect more of you than that.
(Kevin frowns as he takes his position.)
Alright, Mom.
(Margaret steps in front of him.)
Alright!
*
(Kevin has just openrd the door - it's Margaret.)
Look - I'm really, really busy. Really...really...really...busy.
(V/O): Kevin?
So...
(V/O): Who's that at the door?
(Norma enters from the living room carrying a basket of laundry.)
Margaret? (Smiles.)
Uh-oh. I could see Mom's radar working overtime. In about three seconds, she was gonna fall in love.
She can't stay, Mom! (Frowns.)
Now, I'm sure she can stay for just a little while. Can't you, Margaret?
Well, fine - why don't we just adopt her?
Maybe she'd like to sit down? (Nods.)
That was it.
(Kevin noisily slides a chair out.)
Margaret was in like Flynn.
(Margaret turns around and holds her shoebox toward Norma.)
This is my bat. (Smiles.)
(Norma looks slightly frightened. Sound of rustling in the box.)
But hold on here!
(She touches her hair and frowns slightly.)
Bat?
He won't go in your hair unless there's bugs there.
(Norma smiles slightly, still worried. Sound of rustling and chirping from the box.)
I would have brought Isabelle, too, but her terrarium's too hard to carry.
Isabelle?
My tarantula.
Holy cow. Bats and spiders? Two of Mom's personal favorites...
I also have a lizard, but he's sick.
(Norma smiles awkwardly.)
Oh...
Did Margaret know what she was doing?
That's too bad.
(Norma looks at the shoebox, then Margaret, makes and exaggerated face, and backs away.)
I hope he feels better!
(Norma turns away hurriedly with the laundry toward the basement.)
Amazing. Mrs. Be-Nice-To-Everyone...had been chased out of her own kitchen.
*
(Margaret has come to visit Kevin, who reluctantly has let her in. He has an OK time after all.)
Kevin? Will you're friend be staying for dinner?
(Kevin glances off and smiles.)
Now, that was a picture. Margaret, Mortimer, Mom, and Dad...
(Kevin looks at Margaret worriedly.)
And...
(Margaret rests her head on her hand, as Wayne fades into the shot. He looks from Kevin to Margaret and smiles.)
Wayne!
Margaret!
(Kevin hurries to the door and looks out the window, then turns to Margaret.)
You gotta go!
(Kevin starts to help her up. Norma frowns.)
Now?!
Yes, now!
Can I have another drink of water?
Here! Here's a glass - there's a hose up the street around the corner.
Kevin! (Frowns.)
Sorry, Mom - it was ditch her or die.

See also "Full Transcript"



(Ep 22 - "Whose Woods Are These")

(Kevin runs into the kitchen, out of breath. Norma and Jack are at the table, relaxing.)
Mom! Dad!
What is it, honey?
You OK?
(Kevin gestures in front of him with both hands as he catches his breath.)
They're tearing down Harper's Woods.
(Norma and Jack look puzzled.)
Well, they're gonna bring in bulldozers!
(Norma and Jack still look puzzled.)
They're gonna turn it into a shopping center!
(Norma looks at Kevin and frowns.)
Gee - what was it gonna take, here? Did I have to drop a bomb?
Well, we know that, honey? (Smiles.)
What?! (Frowns.)
Thought they weren't starting till next week.
You know?!
Kevin? Will you wash your hands...(frowns)...they're all...(gestures)...muddy or something. (Frowns.)
Mom! (Frowns.)
Do as your mother says.
OK - maybe they hadn't heard me. Maybe they though I said...some other woods.
You know you left the lawnmower out in the middle of the yard?
Dad! I'm talkin' about Harper's Woods! We gotta stop them! (Gestures.) We gotta do something!
Kevin...you haven't played up there since you were children. (Frowns.)
This was incredible.
(Norma and Jack look at Kevin. She drinks from her glass.)
Didn't these people have souls? They were talking about Harper's Woods like it was some kinda -
(Jack looks at Kevin and shakes his head.)
It's just a vacant lot, Kevin.
(Norma looks at Jack.)
Wonder if there'll be a Lohman's...(Smiles.)

See also "Full Transcript"



(Ep 23 - "How I'm Spending My Summer Vacation")

(Kevin is moping at the kitchen table.)
Hey, Kevin, it's starting to clear up. Don't you wanna get dressed, and do something?
It wasn't fair. I was doing something - I was hiding out.
Well, the barbecue tonight'll cheer you up.
I don't think I'm gonna go.
What?! Why?
I just don't feel like it.
Wild horses couldn't drag me to that party, not after I'd made a total fool of myself all over Winnie Cooper's yearbook.
I just...wanna stay home, OK?
I think you should go.
Mom.
Honey, they're expecting us. It really means a lot to them. Especially this year.
Mom!
Kevin! You're gonna go - that's all there is to it. OK?
(Norma ruffles his hair, and walks back to the sink.)
Great, first my best friend walks out on me, now I have to die of embarrassment in front of thousands of party-goers. I couldn't take it.
Why can't we go on vacation?
Maybe next summer.

See also "Jeff's Transcript"



(Ep 24 - "Summer Song")

By the end of that summer of 1969, a lot of things had changed. The Mets were headed for first-place. Woodstock was a household word. And Winnie Cooper's dad had moved to Chicago. And it wasn't over yet.
(Cut to the Arnold driveway.)
Is that everything?
The traditional Arnold family vacation.
OK! Let's get started!
What I loved about our vacations was that it always seemed to rekindle this wonderful sense of family-togetherness.
(Karen leans against the car, frowning.)
Do we have to do this? Dad, I'm seventeen.
So?
Wayne?
So bourgeois.
Honey? Where's Wayne?
(Norma looks in the car window.)
Wayne.
The fact was, we were starting to outgrow this annual ritual.
(Norma knocks on the window. Wayne and Delores are kissing.)
Wayne. Honey? It's time for you and Delores to say goodbye, now.
That's what we're doing. (Smiles.)
*
(On the road.)
Remember how we used to play the alphabet game?
(Everyone frowns.)
Come on! It'll be fun. I'll go first. There's "A", as in Danville..."B", "C"...as in block. Who's next? (Smiles.)
I don't believe this...
*
(Driving through Ocean City.)
Ocean City. Where mom and dad had spent their honeymoon in 1949. We'd grown up hearing them talk about it. Quaint seaside bungalows...the soft drum of the surf.
(Cut to the noisy motel parking lot.)
Kind of a castaway's paradise.
Forty-eight bucks for two lousy rooms? What happened to this place?
Two rooms? Who am I staying with?
You ain't staying with me, Karen.
I don't want to stay with you, Wayne!
Good! I hope you don't stay.
Dad?
Why don't you go on a peace-march?
I'm not talking to you, Wayne!
Alright, you two, that's enough...
I wish I could find somewhere else, I would be there right now...
Yeah, you would be there...
Wayne!
If it was a dump...
Wayne! I don't want any arguing, we just got here...
My best friend was witnessing just how low my family could sink.
Don't worry. By the time we check in, everyone will be in a great mood.
*
(At the restaurant.)
The Captain Kidd cod looks kinda fun, honey!
Four bucks? For a piece of fish?!
Um, I think I'll have the Barnacle Bucket.
This place is embarrassing.
Honey!
Well, it is...it's just so -
(Jack pounds the table.)
Will you please just have fun?! (Frowns.) This is costing a damn fortune.
*
(The beach.)
Paul? Are you OK, honey?
Yeah. Why?
It's your face. It looks like you got a sunburn.
Mom, how can he have a sunburn - we just got here!
*
(The beach again.)
Heck - you don't even know what long is! This is not long! I mean, look at that guy Karen was talkin' to!
Who was Karen talkin' to?
Can we please try to have a good time? Karen's going away to college next year - this is the last time we have to all be together.
Why...are there so many flies here?
(Karen walks off.)
Karen?
(Kevin walks off.)
Kevin? Where are you going?
For a walk...*
(At the restaurant.)
Mom? Can I go to the pier? I mean, tomorrow night.
By yourself? (Frowns.)
No, not exactly...
With who?
Just...Teri.
Who's Teri? Some boy you met on the beach?
Not exactly.
What do you mean?
Well...
I didn't want Mom to think I was having some kind of illicit rendezvous. This would have to be handled delicately.
Some bimbo he met on the beach!
She's not a bimbo, Wayne!
Can I have a beer, Mom.
Wayne! Go back to the room.
But, I -
Now!
(Wayne exits.)
You promise to be back by nine-thirty?
Yeah.
OK.

Also "Full Transcript"



(Ep 25 - "Math Class")

Not to brag or anything, but I was a pretty bright kid. Compared to the competition.
(Wayne is slurping from a bowl.)
Wayne...how was your first day in high school? (Smiles.)
Huh? (Frowns.)
With Wayne, that's about all my parents expected. With me, they expected a little more.
*
(In the kitchen.)
The pressure was increasing.
How's everything going at school, sweetheart? (Smiles.)
Uh...fine.
I was living a lie. And it was only a matter of time before I was found out.
Kevin?
(Norma holds a pitcher in front of her.)
If this pitcher of lemonade makes eight servings of one cup each, how many servings will it make if the cups are filled only two-thirds full?
Huh?!
("Twilight Zone Theme" plays over a shot of everyone looking at Kevin, then the music stops abruptly.)
Kevin! Do you want some lemonade?
Um, no...thanks.
Come on, honey - it's good for you. (Smiles.)
Maybe. But the fact was, lemonade wasn't going to solve my problems.

Also "Full Transcript"



(Ep 26 - "Wayne On Wheels")

(Wayne has just gotten his driver's license.)
Congratulations, Wayne! (Smiles.)
(Norma enters carrying a basket of laundry.)
Thanks, butthead.
(Norma passes between them.)
Excuse me.
And then it happened.
(Kevin and Wayne speak at the same time.)
Mom, I need a ride to the mall.
Mom, I gotta to go pick up Delores.
(Norma pauses and looks over her shoulder, slightly puzzled. A twang of guitar plays.)
Uh-oh...
Wait, Mom - it's Saturday. You promised to take me to the mall.
(Wayne holds up the license.)
And you said as soon as I got this...(points)...I could have the car.
It was a case for King Solomon.
(Norma bites her lip and looks off.)
Mom, however, rose to the occasion.
Well, I have to take your father's suits to the cleaners. (Shrugs.)
(K & W): Mom!
Uh-uh. Unacceptable.
Well, then...
(She sighs and looks up.)
Here it came...
(She looks toward the boys and squints slightly.)
A landmark decision.
I know...Wayne, you take Kevin to the mall, and then you can have the car. (Smiles.)
(K & W): What?
(Norma smiles broadly at them, then her smile fades.)
Mom!
Mom, it's totally out of my way! (Gestures.)
But, honey...now that you have a license...(nods), and car privileges...(nods), you have to assume...some of the responsibilities...And one of those...is driving Kevin.
*
(Earlier, Wayne left Kevin at the mall. Now they are in the kitchen.)
I don't get it? I mean, what's the big deal? (Gestures.) Hey - I tried to pick him up - he just wouldn't get in.
(Norma approaches Jack with two cups, and turns toward Wayne.)
Wayne...We are very disappointed in you.
Actually, I think Dad...
(Jack hunches forward slightly and looks off.)
Was a wee bit more than disappointed.
A car is not a toy...and the privilege of driving is not something to be taken lightly.

Also "Full Transcript"



(Ep 27 - "Mom Wars")

(Clips of Norma with Kevin as a newborn baby and toddler.)
When you're a little boy, you don't have to go very far to find the center of your universe - mom. She's always there. It's a pretty good arrangement - when you're five. But around age thirteen, there starts to be - a problem.
(Cut to Norma knocking on the bathroom door.)
Kevin?
Mom, I'm in the bathroom!
The problem is...she's always there.
Is everything OK, honey?
Mom!
And I mean always.
Just checking!
*
(In the kitchen after Kevin plays football.)
Kevin - is that blood on your shirt?
Uh...
Not that I had anything to hide, of course. It's just that, well, you know how moms are.
I don't think so, uh...it's ketchup.
Ketchup?
Yeah.
(Karen enters.)
How'd you get that blood on your shirt?
It's not blood!
Not mine, anyway.
It's ketchup, OK?
Well how'd you get the ketchup on your shirt?
At lunch today. We had fish sticks.
Sure, that's it! Fish sticks.
Well, that's odd. It says here that Tuesday's pizza day at school.
Boy! Nothin' slipped past this woman.
Did I say fish sticks? I'm sorry - fish sticks was yesterday. This is, uh, pizza sauce.
Oh.
There! Neatly done, thereby avoiding any needless discussions about -
(Wayne enters.)
So I heard, uh, Doug Porter got creamed at your football game today, huh?
Football? Is that tackle football?
Great...now the fat was in the fire - commence grilling.
Well, Mom, you know...it's not, it's not really tackle.
Who are you playing tackle football with?
Just some friends.
At school?
At the park.
You have a coach?
A coach?
Well, don't you think something like that should be supervised?
Football is totally barbaric.
This discussion was moving in the wrong direction. I had to take action - and fast.
Look, Mom, there's nothing to worry about, OK? It's no big deal.
(Norma gives Kevin a worried look.)
Trust me!
Of course I trust you, honey. I just don't want anyone to get injured.
Huh, injured. No one's going to get injured, Mom.
*
(Outside school. Sound of car horn.)
Hey, Kev - it's your mom.
Wait a minute. This was starting to get embarrassing.
Look, I'll be right back, OK?
You're coming with us...?
Yeah, yeah, I'll just be back in a minute.
Hop in.
Why?
I'm gonna take you shopping.
Shopping?
Yeah - there's a sale over at Boy's Town.
(Sound of fire-alarm.)
And suddenly I was hearing alarm bells.
Look, uh, Mom, I'm gonna take the bus today. See - the guys are waitin'.
I think you need new pants.
Uh, look, Mom, the pants I have are fine, OK? I-I don't need new pants! I mean, they fit great, they're stylish...I just don't need new pants. (Smiles)
(Norma smiles.)
There - phew! I was finally gettin' through.
I think you need new pants.
(Cut to "shopping for pants". Kevin tries on several pairs.)
A little ketchup on your shirt, and what do you get? Still, if that's what Mom needed to square accounts, it was fine with me. I could take it.
How do they fit?
Fine - we'll take 'em.
I'm not so sure. They seem seem awfully roomy in the crotch.
Could you say it a little louder? I'm not sure the whole store heard it.
(P.A.) "Attention shoppers! Attention shoppers. Plenty of room in Kevin Arnold's crotch!"
(Cut to in the car.)
There! That wasn't so bad, was it?
Pure...living...hell. But I'd survived. The debt was paid, mom was happy, and tomorrow was a whole new ballgame.
Oh, I guess it's too late.
For what?
Buster Brown's. You're gonna need some new shoes to go with all those new pants. We'll just have to go tomorrow. (Smiles.)
Everything was horribly clear. Mom was gonna take me shopping in the afternoon - for the rest of my life.
Look, Mom, I have a football game tomorrow!
Yeah, well, we can talk about that later.
We were gonna have this out right here!
(The traffic light turns red.)
Right -
(Norma stops suddenly, and holds Kevin back in his seat.)
Honey? You OK?
It's a tough time in life when you're struggling for manhood and your mother still outways you by fifty pounds. I was left with only one option.
(Cut to the Arnold kitchen, as Jack enters after work.)
Call in the heavy artillery.
Dad, we gotta talk!
Huh?
No one had actually ever spoken to my father before he put down his briefcase. But I was going for broke.
Can you think of one good reason why I shouldn't be able to play football with the other guys? I mean, I bet you played football without any equipment when you were a little kid and I've been playing for a very long time now, and nothing's ever really happened, and the guys are really counting on me to play tonight.
So...
So, can we play or not?!
Sure, go ahead.
Touchdown!
I don't think it's a good idea, Jack.
You heard your mother.
OK. That did it!
So...I'll pick you up from school tomorrow, and we'll go for those shoes. (Smiles.)
The lines were drawn. The course was unalterable.
OK, honey?
This was war.
*
(Kevin has intentionally missed Norma at home. Now at the park, Norma pulls up in the car and honks.)
Uh-oh! Caught red-handed. There was only one thing to do - go on the offensive.
(Kevin runs over to Norma.)
Kev-in!
Mom!
Kevin? What are you doing here?
Nothing.
I specifically told you to meet me in front of your school at three o'clock.
I forgot.
You forgot?!
Yeah.
How could you just forget, Kevin?
Well, I thought you said meet me in front of the house after school.
That's really what you thought I said?
Uh, well, I'm not exactly sure whether you said that or not.
The woman knew what underwear I was wearing - why did I even try to fight it?
Well, I suppose we still have time to make it to the store -
No! I'm not coming, Mom.
What?!
I'm playing football.
Now, I thought we agreed you weren't going to play anymore.
No, I never said that, Mom!
You know, Doug Porter shouldn't be playing football - he has bladder problems.
Bladder problems?!
How did she know that?! Was there a secret network of mom's who traded inside information about bladders over bridge tables and grocery carts?
I just worry about you, sweetheart.
(She smoothes Kevin's hair. He brushes her hand away.)
Don't you have anything better to do, Mom? I mean, just stop babying me! I can take care of myself.
(Long pause.)
Well if you're going to go...go.
(Kevin sighs. Norma walks back to the car. Kevin watches her pull away, then runs back to the guys.)
Then, I was free. I was higher than a kite. I was unstoppable.
*
(Kevin hurt his hand playing football. Now, he returns home. Norma is at the sink as Kevin enters.)
Kevin, are you hurt?!
I wanted to answer "yes", that I was hurt. That I needed comfort.
No, Mom. I'm OK.
And I knew she wanted to comfort me - make everything better.
Well there's some iodine in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. (Gestures.) Gauze, if you need something to wrap it in.
In the medicine cabinet?
Uh-huh.
(They look uneasily at each other, then Kevin walks past Norma. Fade to Kevin at the living room table, wrapping his hand. Norma is in the background at the sink.)
Every war has its casualties, and every victory its price. But life goes on. Nothing really changed that night - nothing big, anyway. Just a very little piece of something that was never gonna be the same...(Kevin glances back at Norma)...not ever. The thing is, it's hard to tie a bandage with just one hand.
(Kevin looks at his bandaged hand. Norma pauses in the background and looks at Kevin, then back to the sink.)
Sooner or later, though...
(Kevin stands, glances at Norma, and walks out of the shot.)
You learn.

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(Ep 28 - "On the Spot")

(At dinner.)
I think it sounds like fun! I used to love school plays.
What are you playing? A buttercup? Ehh...
(Jack looks at the boys and chuckles.)
"Our Town." That's the one about the girl who falls in love, and then she dies...but she comes back for one last visit to see her family? (Smiles.)
Mom. "Our Town"...is an indictment...of the meaninglessness of bourgeois middle-class existence. (Nods.)
Oh.
How much is it gonna cost me?
Dad, as always, had his own perspective on the arts.
Jack.
Just askin'. (Gestures.)
Who else is in it?
Uh, no one. Except...Winnie.
Well, then - we have to go! (Smiles.)
Hah? (Frowns.)
Oh, nice goin', butthead! (Frowns.)
Look, Mom, it's really not -
Kevin, get tickets for all of us! (Smiles.)
(Jack looks at Kevin and frowns, then rips his roll apart.)

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(Ep 30 - "The Family Car")

(Jack is "fixing" the car, and has Wayne try to start it. The car car sputters and dies with a clang. Jack looks slightly embarrassed, as Norma stands in the house front door.)
You think you can fix it? (Frowns.)
Of course I can fix it! Just...(gestures)...needs a little adjustment.
Oh. Good. (Nods.)
*
As for Dad, well...I wasn't worried. He'd come through for us, when the time was right.
(Cut to evening in the kitchen as Norma enters, carrying a bag of groceries.)
Car died...
And suddenly, the time was right.
What happened?
It made sort of a spluttering noise...and then it just quit on me.
Did you pat the gas and count to five before you...(gestures)...turned the key?
Yeah. (Nods.) Just like you showed me.
What about the...(gestures)...coil wire?
It was getting dark, Jack. I couldn't see very well.
Now when Mom used that tone of voice, this was serious business.
Anyway, the man at the service station...said it was the fuel pump.
Fuel pump...You didn't let him touch the fuel pump, did ya?
He also said the carburetor needs adjustment.
I just rebuilt the damn carburetor. (Nods and frowns.)
Seemed like Dad was missing the point, here.
You've been putting so much time and effort into that car...
I'll take a look at it. (Nods.)
It's just that it's...becoming so unreliable, Jack. Especially now that Wayne and Karen are driving...(frowns)...it's getting so much use. (Shrugs.) Maybe it's time we started looking for a new car.
OK. (Nods.) We'll look.
*
(At the car lot, the salesman, Marvin, wants the Arnold's look at a Mustang, although Jack wants a practical Falcon. Marvin walks past Jack toward Norma.)
Don't you deserve it? It's 1969. You've...(winks)...come a long way, baby. (Smiles.)
Was this guy crazy?
(Norma smiles, mildly surprised.)
Makin' an end-run around Dad?
It's completely impractical. (Nods.)
(Norma frowns, nods and shrugs.)
I suppose so...
Can I say something, Jack?
Great. What damage was he gonna do now?
You got a young lady headin' to college...you got a young fella drivin', and one just about to - right, big guy (Smiles and laughs.)
So?
So...it makes ya wonder. How much longer...(frowns)...are ya gonna need a big...(nod)...family...(nod)...station-wagon?
(Jack looks off.)
For some reason, my father...had no reply.
He has a point, Jack.
*
(Jack apparently has negotiated a deal with Marvin, then gets angry and storms out of the office past Norma and the kids.)
Honey?
I don't want to talk about it! We're leaving!
(Norma gestures toward the kids.)
Just do what he says.
(They all follow Jack.)
Dad...
(Cut to the old car approaching the driveway and turning into it.)
We drove home in silence. So much for the wind in our hair - this was the rain on our parade.
(Jack turns off the car and leans back, looking forward. Norma turns toward him.)
What happened back there, Jack? (Frowns.) What did that salesman say?
I don't want to talk about it. The guy was a moron. You know what he offered me for this car?! (Nods.)
Honey? What were you expecting?
I can tell you this car is worth a lot more than he offered, Norma! A lot more...
*
(In the living room watching TV. Everyone is depressed.)
Ahem...delicious dinner tonight, honey. (Nods.)
(Norma is in the chair, frowning slightly, and resting her head on her hand. She glances at Jack.)
Uh-hmmmm.
(Jack looks at Norma, then Kevin. Karen looks off and frowns.)
Whoa! Talk about playin' a tough room!
You know Jack...I've been thinking...(Shrugs.) Maybe that saleman's offer really wasn't that unreasonable.
But hold on, here...
What?!
Well, Frank and Betty just got less for their trade-in, and it was a 'sixty-one...
Frank doesn't know how to deal with these guys, Norma. The man paid sticker price.
I just don't think it was such a bad offer.
Are you kidding? (Gestures.) You know how much I put into that car?!
(Norma glances off in thought.)
Well, let's see...the fuel pump was fourteen dollars...(gestures)...the fanbelt was two dollars, and the points and the plugs were only...
What...(gestures) - are you gonna itemize here? (Frowns.) What about my time? My labor?
*
(Another night at dinner.)
Dad, are you gonna sell the car or not? (Frowns.)
Wayne!
Of course I am. (Gestures.) It just...takes a little time. Matter of fact, I've decided we should change the ad in the paper. (Gestures.) Maybe that'll help, huh?
Did he really expect us to buy this?! I mean we'd given Dad every benefit of the doubt...But now this awful feeling was growing in me. Maybe Craig Hobson had been right. Maybe the problem really was -
I swear, Dad...why are you so cheap? (Frowns.)
Karen! (Frowns.)
Well, Mom, I really think it's about time!
Don't you ever talk like that in this house again!
This was it. It was pretty obvious from Dad's expression what was gonna happen. Someone...would have to die.
(Jack stands up and heads toward the door.)
Where are you going, Jack?
(Jack pauses at the door and looks down at Karen.)
For a drive.
(Jack exits. Norma looks at Jack off-screen. Sound of the door closing noisily. Norma frowns and looks down.)
I'm not really sure where Dad was planning to drive to. Maybe just around the block. Maybe for ice-cream. Or maybe...he didn't know himself.
(Sound of the car being started.)
In any event...
(Sound of the car spluttering and dying.)
He didn't get far.
(Norma sets her napkin down and exits toward the door. Cut to the driveway. Norma slowly approaches Jack, who has the car hood raised. Kevin follws to the corner of the house and stops.)
Probably just a gasket.
Jack.
(Norma leans on the front of the car as Jack looks at the motor.)
They have 'em down at the service station. I'll pick one up in the morning.
Jack...I know how much you put into this car. We all know. All the hard work...it's worth ten times what you're asking. But Jack...(nods)...we don't need this car anymore.
The boys can help me push it into the garage so I'll have a little more light. (Nods.)
You've held it together longer than anyone could have expected, honey. No one could have done more. Now it's time to move on.
Think so?
(Norma smiles tightly, and nods.)
Just let it go.
Alright. Alright...

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(Ep 31 - "The Pimple")

(At dinner, Norma is looking at a letter.)
Oh, my Lord - they're coming to visit! (Smiles.)
Who?
The Pruitt's. Phil and Claire. They're gonna be in town next week! It's been eight...years.
Actually, it had been nine years.
(Kevin frowns as Wayne smiles at him.)
I remembered the occasion quite distinctly. It was something I'd just as well have forgotten.
(Jack smiles at Kevin.)
Kevin, you remember little Gina, don't you? (Smiles.)
Not that anyone was gonna let me.
(Wayne rubs his hand through Kevin's hair, and leans closer.)
Gina...Gina...
You two were always so cute together. (Smiles.) You were like twins.
A little more than twins. Weren't ya, Kev?
(Wayne laughs.)
Come on - we were four years old...(Frowns.)
In broad daylight, one little innocent game of Ben Casey, and I was marked for life.
(Karen and Wayne smile at at Kevin.)
Give the kid a break, huh? (Smiles.)
(Norma looks at a photo.)
Phil looks like he's put on weight. And look - Gina's really growing up.
It was hard to imagine. Little Gina Pruitt. Always a scab on her knee, a dirty face...loved to make mud pies...
(Norma smiles and shows the photo to Kevin and Jack.)
Hello!
What a pretty young girl she turned out to be. (Smiles.)
(Sound of a bell.)
Paging Dr. Arnold, paging Dr. Arnold.
Maybe you can show her a nice time when they're here.
For this girl? I'd swim the deepest ocean, climb the highest mountain.
Well...(frowns)...if-if you really think I should.
Yep - talk about change - this was total metamorphosis.
(Kevin tilts the photo toward Jack. Jack looks at it dreamily.)
Jack?
Oh...
(Jack gives Norma a funny smile.)
Uh-huh. Nature was definitely smiling on me.
*
(Kevin has gotten a zit. Now he's entering the kitchen as Norma is busy at the counter.)
Maybe I was blowing this out of proportion. Making a mountain out of a molehill. I mean, maybe no one would even notice.
Honey? Give the oatmeal a little stir, and fix a bowl for yourself, would you, please?
Alright. What we needed to do here was to test the waters.
Oh, uh, Mom. How does this shirt look?
It's...pulling around the collar...
So far, so good. Mom could spot dirty fingernails at the table from thirty yards away. If I could get past her...
Oooh - looks like ya got a little pimple, there. (Smiles.)
Mom...(Sighs.)
Come on...(smiles)...you can barely notice it.
Really?
Oh, now, don't be so self-conscious.
I was thirteen years old - being self-conscious was a fulltime job.
*
(Kevin is glad the Pruitt's won't arrive for a week, hoping his zit will clear up. Now, in the kitchen.)
Two days?! (Gestures.)
Well, the Pruitt's had a change of plans, honey.
They're coming in two days?!
(Wayne laughs.)
What's making them do this?! (Frowns.)
Honey - what's gotten into you? (Smiles.) I thought you were looking forward to seeing Gina.
Two days? Oh, gee - that's perfect. She'll be here just in time. (Smiles.)
In time for what?
Never mind. (Frowns.)
Aw, Kev. (Smiles.) It won't be so bad. after the first few hours, you probably won't even notice all the...(gestures)...pointing and whispering. (Laughs.) Oh, Gina! Oh, Gina! (Exits.)
*
(Kevin is hiding out in his room, and hears the Pruitt's arrive.)
Well, the moment of truth had finally come. And I knew exactly what I had to do.
(Kevin hurriedly closes the bedroom door.)
Bar the door, and wait for adolescence to run its course.
(Norma knocks on the door.)
(V/O): Kevin?
Uh...don't come in!
(V/O): Honey, Gina Pruitt's here.
(Kevin looks toward the window.)
OK - it was tinme to lay out my final options. I could hit the road. Start running, keep running, and never look back.
(Norma knocks on the door.)
(V/O): Kevin...
Or, I could face reality.
(Kevin opens the door. Norma enters.)
Kevin - what is wrong with you? (Frowns.)
Nothing! I just don't feel like seeing them right now, is all. (Frowns.) I don't think I'm up to it.
It was my last hope. Unabashed honesty. With just a look, I was able to convey all the emotions I'd been carrying around inside me for three days. I couldn't go out there and humiliate myself. She understood that.
Kevin - you're going to get out here. (Points.) Right...this minute! (Frowns.)
Then again, maybe not.
(They enter the living room. Kevin hangs his head.)
Well, here he is! (Smiles.)
Step right up folks. Behold the freak of nature. Not for the faint-hearted.
(Norma smiles and ushers Kevin forward.)
Then in a flash, all of my insecurities flew away.
(Gina turns around and faces Kevin.)
I saw beauty. I saw grandeur. I saw...
(She has a zit on her forehead.)
It was twice as big as the one on my cheek!

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(Ep 32 - "Math Class Squared")

(Kevin has begun cheating in class.)
And so began my life of crime. The funny thing is I thought it'd be hard, but...McCormick was right. It was easy. At first.
(Cut to the kitchen. Kevin's quiz on the refrigerator.)
A "B"! Kevin, this is wonderful - I'm so proud of you! (Smiles.)
Pretty soon though...
See? When you apply yourself, you get what you deserve.
Things started to get more complicated.

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(Ep 33 - "Rock-n-Roll")

(At dinner.)
Dad? I need a guitar.
(Jack looks at the TV and chews.)
Great. I'd just made an anouncement that would shape a generation, and what was I getting?
More potatoes, honey? (Smiles.)
What do you want a guitar for?
Well...I was...thinking about joining a rock-and-roll band. (Smiles.)
(Everyone pauses, then Wayne starts laughing. Karen laughs too.)
Something amusing, here?
Look, I just need to borrow the money, OK?
What - you're not serious, are you, honey?
Well, I mean, you paid for my piano lessons. (Frowns.)
Honey...that was different. (Smiles.)
Why? Why was that different? (Gestures.)
(Norma pauses.)
There. I had her stumped.
That was...real music. (Frowns.)
So, what's rock-and-roll? (Frowns.)
Noise.
Noise? noise?! OK, maybe that was true. But I wasn't gonna be derailed just by simple logic. I was determined.
So, Dad? Can I have a guitar. (Nods.)
(Jack sets his fork down, glances at Norma, and wipes his mouth with a napkin.)
Here it came. There was only one answer I'd accept.
(Jack looks at Kevin and shrugs.)
No. (Gestures.)
*
That Friday night, I actually felt relieved. Or, so I told myself.
Don't you want some cookies, honey.
No, thanks.
I mean, playing in Larry's garage was one thing, but...risking my reputation? That was just...dumb.
So, Kev...I heard you quit the old Electric Shoes, huh? Thinkin' about...goin' solo? (Laughs.)
You're not playing in the band, anymore?
No, mom!
Oh...that's too bad.
Yeah...I was kinda looking forward to watching you crash and burn.
Oh, hah-hah! (Frowns.)
Well...least you got it out of your system, sweetie.
What's that supposed to mean? (Frowns.)
Well, I...just mean that...it wasn't really you. (Smiles.)
What?!
It was pretty dumb, Kevin.
(With nar.): Dumb? (Frowns.)
Now wait a darn minute here! Who were these people telling me who I was and wasn't? What did they know?
(Kevin stands up.)
I don't have to take this! So what if it was dumb? What - you've never done anything dumb in your life? Look! I'll decide what's dumb and what isn't. And nobody's gonna tell me I can't do something dumb, if I wanna do something dumb! (Nods.)
Yep! I was on to somethin', here.
(Norma and Jack frown and look at each other, puzzled.)
Honey, what are you talking about?
Uh! Never mind!
But I knew what it meant. Dumb or not, it all boiled down to one thing. I was back.

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(Ep 35 - "The Powers That Be")

(The Arnold's are standing side-by-side on the porch, looking toward the street.)
Every family has it's chain of command. From the pawn...through the established ranks...to the lord and master of all things great and small. But one week out of the year, a force would blow into town that even my father could not control.
To the left...left...
(Albert is trying to back into the driveway, singing happily to himself.)
Grampa Arnold.
(Jack looks down, as Norma looks at Jack and puts a hand on his chest.)
Why don't you give him a hand, Jack?
He knows what he's doing.
*
(In the kitchen.)
Albert? Would you like something to drink with your lunch?
No, no - nothing for me. But how about a big glass of milk for my boy, here? We gotta keep those bones nice and strong. (Smiles.)
Like I said - a real cornball.
Oh...Wayne.
(Albert takes a whistle from his pocket, and blows it.)
Remember this?
No...
Oh, sure you do...used to play with it all the time...when we were in that old house. You'd take it out into the yard, and you'd say..."fly away birdies, I'm comin' to get ya..."
(Albert blows the whistle again and smiles.)
O-kay...
(Norma brings Kevin a glass of milk.)
Wayne...thank Grampa for the gift!
Oh, yeah, thanks...I'm gonna go test it right now.
*
(Watching TV in the living room.)
You want to see funny, you ought to watch some "Honeymooner's" reruns.
But wait a minute. What was this?
Oh...! That's Jack's favorite show. (Smiles.)
Hmm? Really?
One of the best.
You ever see the one...where Norton and Ralph bought the hotel?
(Jack smiles.)
This was great! By some fantastic coincidence, Gramps had stumbled onto the one thing that made my father really come alive.
Or the one where Ralph forgets Alice's birthday?
I love that one! (Laughs.)
Yeah, I saw that one. (Smiles.)
Heh-heh. Little did Gramps know that Dad's Ralph Kramden impersonation was legendary. Around our house, anyway.
Jack?
Hmmm?
Do your "Ralph Kramden". (Smiles.)
Yeah, come on, Dad.
I didn't know you did imitations, John.
Neither did I.
Oh, just once - please.
Come on, let's see it.
"One of these days, Alice...one of these days - Bang!-Zoom! - to the moon".
(Albert looks on, puzzled.)
Honey...you can do it a little better than that...
Well, to do it right, you a little more elbow-room.
Well...
OK, so much for the warm-up. Time for Dad to let out all the stops. The patented "Ed Norton double-take".
"Do it! Will you already?!"
(The Arnold's laugh. Albert looks on blankly as Jack smiles.)
And just when it seemed like the sun was never gonna shine again...the clouds began to break.
That's Gleason? (Frowns.) That doesn't sound like Gleason.
(Everyone stops laughing.)
And then the rains came.
(Jack frowns, and looks down at Buster sitting next to his feet.)
Oh, I'll get the paper towels, honey.
*
(Jack and Albert have been arguing. Now, there is an uneasy silence at dinner.)
So how is everything?
Delicious, Norma - couldn't be better.
Yeah, couldn't be better. "Fathers and sons" - "I wouldn't understand?" What had Dad meant by that?
(Albert tastes his mashed potatoes, and frowns.)
Now what's wrong? (Frowns.)
Nothin'...nothin'.
(Albert looks at Norma.)
Did you, uh...did you put pepper in these spuds?
(Norma looks surprised.)
Oh, Albert!
(Albert smiles and pats her hand.)
I'm so sorry - I forgot.
Forgot what?
Gas. Pepper gives me gas. (Gestures.)
(Wayne laughs, Kevin smacks him. Norma holds up some corn-on-the-cob.)
Oh, maybe you'd like some corn instead?
No...I think not. Corn sticks in my teeth.
(Jack drops his fork and starts to squirm in his chair.)
Well I'm going shopping tomorrow - maybe I can pick you up some things.
Don't you be foolish, Norma. You buy everything the same way you always do.
Sure...spend another day cooking a meal he won't eat. (Frowns.)
(Karen holds a bowl of biscuits.)
Grampa, why don't you try some biscuits - they should be easy to digest.
He can't eat biscuits. Right, Dad?
I can't...(Gestures.)
Tell 'em why not.
The starch.
Too much starch, Norma. (Frowns.)
(Karen looks uneasy.)
Um, Mom, I've got a...a date. (Exits.)
Yeah, me too. (Exits.)
She spent a lot of time cooking this meal. The least you could do -
John! Pepper gives me gas, alright? (Frowns.) The potatoes have pepper in 'em.
Forget the damn potatoes. What I'm talking about is a little respect here.
Can I say something please?
Kevin! Just stay out of this.
I -
(Norma looks at Kevin.)
Honey...
It's OK, Mom.
(Kevin stands up, throws his napkin down, frowns over his shoulder and exits.)

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(Ep 38 - "The Treehouse")

(Jack is kneeling down, inspecting the linoleum next to the kitchen cabinets.)
Looks like it's wearing pretty thin to me.
Jack...
Day three of my dad's week off. So far, he had tightened every screw on every kitchen cabinet...re-wired all our lamps...and added another layer of insulation to the attic.
(Norma looks over her shoulder and frowns.)
In short, he was laying seige to my mom's domain.
Honey, it's just a little crack.
Eh...it's fallin' apart. Where's my glue?
Of course, after years of experience...Mom had learned to play Dad like a matador dealing with a bull.
Honey?
(Norma dangles a piece of bacon.)
You want this last piece of bacon?
(Jack looks up and does a double-take. He slides his lips, and rises.)
Olé, Mom!
(Sound of a dripping faucet. Jack pauses and listens.)
Dammit! I just put a new washer in this thing.
(Norma turns toward Kevin.)
Did the paper come yet?
(Norma glances back and forth between Jack and the faucet.)
I know you wanted to look at those tire sales.
Oh...I hope he hit the porch this time.
(Jack walks off. Norma sighs in relief, sips her drink, and smiles.)
Yep. Mom had all the moves.
What the -
(Jack crosses the dining room, peering forward. Norma turns toward Kevin.)
You want another muffin, honey?
(Norma pauses as she hears the tinkling of crystal.)
Until, that is...
(Norma runs toward the dining room.)
Jack!
(Jack is looking at the crystal cabinet, swinging a squeaky door.)
The bull got into the china shop.
These hinges are going, Norma.
Jack...(sighs)...not my good crystal...
Kevin - get my toolbox from the cellar.
Now this was serious - this was Mom's stemware.
(Kevin starts to turn away. Norma stops him.)
Wait.
You could see her reaching back for some way to save the situation. Some way to -
I know...why don't you do something with Kevin?
Stab me in the back.
Huh?
You could...go to a movie, or...play catch...
Well, I better get going.
No, wait! I've got it. Jack...wouldn't this be the perfect time to build that treehouse that you two have always talked about?
A treehouse?
A treehouse? (Frowns.)
A treehouse?
I couldn't believe it. After all I'd done for her - slept in her house, eaten her food!
Why not?! I think it would be fun for both of you!
Come on, Mom. I'm too old for a treehouse. Right, Dad?
I was sorry to bail out on old Mom...but the fact was -
Nonsense. You're never too old for a treehouse. (Smiles.)
I was a dead man.
*
(Living room after the guys see a bosomy neighbor next door.)
I wasn't really sure if Dad knew that I knew that he saw that I saw what he saw...or vice-versa. All we both knew was...we weren't goin' back up that tree.
(Norma enters and puts her purse on the dining room table. She looks toward Jack and Kevin.)
What's happening with the treehouse?
Uh, we, um...
Well, what's the matter with you two? You were having so much fun up there! I've never seen the two of you work so well together.
Dad? You want to take this one?
Well, uh...the forecast said there was a...possibility of rain.
(Norma frowns and looks out the window.)
Yeah. It said zero possibility.
Well, as long as I have you two in here...maybe you can help me choose a table-setting. We could go with the gingham, or the stripes, or the ducks...Or, we could mix-and-match...What do you think?
Looks like it's clearin' up, Kev.
*
And who knew? We might even finish it by tomorrow if our luck held out. And we didn't get another visit from -
(Norma and the neighbor are at the kitchen table. A bowl holding a dozen large tomatoes is in the foreground.)
Look at the size of those tomatoes, Jack!
The singing gardener.
Yeah...
This is Donna. My husband, Jack.
(Donna hold her hand out.)
Ah, nah, my hands are dirty - I've been working. (Gestures.)
That's OK - my hands have been in the dirt all day.
And that's my youngest - Kevin.
Well, hi, Kevin!
Uh...hi.
Donna and I met at the supermarket. We started talking in the checkout counter and it turns out Donna lives on Oakdale almost right behind us! (Gestures.)
Yeah, just a little over from here!
So she told me about her tomatoes...and said she'd bring me some.
Uh-huh...
And I told the checker...just to put mine back!
(Norma smiles excitedly and looks at Donna.)
Didn't I? (Laughs.)
Well, then...I guess I just had to bring 'em, huh?
(She turns back toward Norma and shrugs. They both laugh. Jack forces a laugh. Kevin smiles.)
Well! This was homey! I just sort of stood there, but fortunately...my dad was a little more socially-adept.
(Jack gestures toward Kevin and himself uncomfortably.)
We, um...break. (Smiles.)
What, honey?
Kevin and me.
(Norma looks a little confused.)
So, a little small-talk...the Arnold charm...
(Jack is starting to fidget.)
Let's go Kev.
It was nice to meet you!
And we were out the door.
*
It was almost...heroic. There we were, two men, side-by-side...struggling without words...against the thing we couldn't talk about - running from a common enemy. Running from -
Ready or not - here I come!
Mom.
Norma.
(Norma smiles as she reaches the top of the ladder.)
Well! This is fun! (Smiles.)
(The neighbor starts singing.)
Uh, Norma, the footing up here is a little tricky.
Yeah - It's not all nailed off! You don't want to fall!
Oh, don't be silly. It feels sturdy to me! Oh! And just look at this view!
(Jack looks in the opposite direction.)
Yeah!
(Norma ducks under Jack's arm.)
Excuse me!
(Norma looks toward the neighbor.)
Oh.
Now at that moment, it's possible a simple explanation would have helped. But of course we couldn't explain. We couldn't talk about it at all.
Oh.
(Norma slowly looks over her shoulder toward Jack. Jack smiles sheepishly, then looks down.)
Well, I should start dinner.
(She looks at Jack, then exits.)
And that was that. We'd been accused, tried, and convicted.

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(Ep 40 - "Night Out")

(Wayne is at the refrigerator with a bottle of milk.)
Robbie Hudson's?
(Kevin is at the table, doing homework.)
Uh-oh.
You got invited to a...Robbie Hudson party?
Wayne!
(Norma is at the sink with towels.)
Who's Robbie Hudson?
"Who's Robbie Hudson?" Well, lets' see, uh, how to put this...
He's no-one. He's just a guy in school - a ninth-grader.
Oh, well...that's nice! (Smiles.) And he's having a party?
Yeah, Friday night. And I need a ride, alright?
We wouldn't by any chance be taking little Win-nie, would we?
Wayne!
Of course he's taking Winnie. They're a couple. Right honey?
(Kevin smirks.)
Little did she know.
(Closer shot of Norma gathering the laundry items.)
I'm sure we can arrange something.
(Norma winks at Kevin and exits.)

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11/19/14 19:25