My Favorite Quotes...and writing.
Note: Not all are humorous. More quotes are in the "Clips"
That's When It Hit Me
(Ep 94 - "Homecoming")
(Winnie has frosted Kevin at the point.)
And there ya had it. I was living in a world where "go" meant "stop". Where "yes" meant "no". While out there, in the real world...
(Cut to NORCOM lot. Wayne is pushing a mail-cart.)
Things were happening. Things that mattered.
WART: Hey, Wayne!
Things that made men out of boys.
(Wart is dressed in his uniform, standing near a fence, smiling. He salutes. Wayne smiles and claps his hands together.)
WAYNE: What's up?
WART: Hey, hey, man!
(They shake hands and hug.)
(Cut to Arnold living room.)
NORMA: David! Look at you!
JACK: Wart! (Smiles.) Heh-heh.
(Jack and Wart shake hands.)
JACK: It's good to see you!
WART: It's good to be back. (Smiles.)
NORMA: Look at all those medals. Were you wounded?
WART: Ah, it's nothin' really.
WAYNE: Yeah, Mom - he's fine. (Nods.)
WART: Yeah! (Smiles.)
It was awesome. Wayne's pal, Dave Wirtshafter...had left for Viet Nam a goofy kid...and he came back...a hero.
JACK: So...was it bad?
WART: Well, you know...(Smiles.)
(Wart looks toward Kevin.)
WART: Hey, man! You haven't changed a bit! (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Yeah! well, uh....I got my driver's license! (Smiles.) On the first try. (Smiles.)
WART: That's great! (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Yeah...
(Kevin's smiles fades slightly as he glances at Wart's medals.)
JACK: Well...we're all very proud of you, son. Very proud.
WAYNE: Yeah! And hey! I got a new room in the basement. It's really cool - you wanna see it? (Smiles.)
WART: Yeah, sure!
WAYNE: Alright!
But this much was clear. While the rest of us were playing with Tinkertoys and riding bikes...this guy had been there, earning his stripes. Taking risks.
*
(Kevin goes for sodas under the bleachers at the homecoming game. He sees Wart off by himself.)
KEVIN: Wart!
WART: Hey! How you doin'?
KEVIN: Good. (Smiles.) Good.
(Kevin walks over to Wart.)
WART: Boy. Sure is crowded, isn't it? (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Yeah...
WART: Lotta people.
(Some people walk by.)
GUY: Hey, Wart!
WART: Hey...
The funny thing is...out of uniform...he looked like the old..goofy...Wart.
WAYNE: Gangway, scrote!
(Wayne barges past Kevin.)
KEVIN: Watch it, butthead! (Frowns.)
WAYNE: Hey! (Points.) It's "Mr. Butthead" to you.
(Wayne and Wart look at each other and chuckle.)
SPEAKER (V/O): Murderer!
(Wart looks off.)
WART: What was that?
WAYNE: Uh...
(Wayne looks toward Kevin.)
WAYNE: Nothin'.
(Wayne looks at Wart, glances at Kevin, then looks at Wart.)
WAYNE: Hey. Forget it. It didn't mean anything, OK?
KEVIN: Yeah...They probably just...
WART: Yeah, sure. Hey, listen - I'm gonna take a walk, OK?
WAYNE: OK, well I'll go with you. (Gestures.)
WART: Nah, that's OK. Um, I'm gonna check out the old school. I'll be back. (Gestures.) Really - save my seat! (Smiles.)
(Wart exits. Kevin and Wayne look after him.)
WAYNE: Yeah, well, OK. (Gestures.) I'll seeya there!
What the heck. You had to figure where he'd been, the guy could take care of himself.
*
(Kevin has finally solen the Central High owl, and is running with it to his car at the baseball field.)
KEVIN: Yes, yes, yes!
I made it to the baseball field in about two minutes flat.
KEVIN: I did it.
The thing is, I had no plan. No idea what to do next. It didn't matter. All I knew was...
KEVIN: I did it.
I'd seen my chance - I'd taken the risk. I'd earned my stripes.
(Kevin looks past the camera, and straightens up slightly.)
KEVIN: Wart? (Frowns.) Wart? Is that you? Wart!
(Kevin starts toward Wart.)
KEVIN: Hey...This is great! (Smiles.) I got it. I got the owl. (Smiles.)
(Kevin hesitates, then frowns.)
And I guess that's when I saw it clearly. Sitting on that bench...on the third-base line. And his clothes were in a little pile on the ground.
KEVIN: God.
WAYNE: Wart?
(Wayne is standing behind the chain-link fence.)
WAYNE: Wart?!
(Wayne pushes the gate open and enters. Wayne walks over to Wart.)
WAYNE: Wart, whatchya doin', man?
WART: Nothin'.
(Wayne walks closer, and points.)
WAYNE: Hey, man...it looks like you lost your clothes...
(Wart is looking down, as tears drip off his nose. He hesitates, then nods slightly.)
WART: I know.
(He hesitates, then snorts, then turns and looks toward Wayne.)
WART: Nothin' seems to fit anymore.
(Wayne hesitates, then unbuttons his shirt, then pulls it off.)
WAYNE: Here ya go...
(Wayne holds his shirt out. Wart looks at it.)
WAYNE: Wear mine.
(Wart looks at the shirt. He glances between Wayne and the shirt, and starts to cry. He rises and hugs Wayne. Wayne puts his arms him.)
WAYNE: It's OK. It's OK...
They say men are children. But, sometimes...children are men. Maybe that's where the confusion lies. All I knew was...that night...the world seemed suddenly very big. And I felt very small. So I did what I could.
(Kevin kneels down and lets the owl fly away.)
(Cut to the football game. The owl lands on the goalpost.)
1972 was a crazy time.
(The QB throws a pass. The crowd stands and watches the ball. The receiver catches it, and the other players run toward him as he celebrates.)
Kids played football...drove cars.
(Shot of the crowd. Some hold up signs.)
Went to school...
(The receiver gets lifted onto the shoulders of his team-mates.)
Celebrated life.
(The owl on the cross-bar takes a few steps, flaps its wings a few times, then rests.)
(Cut to the baseball field. The stadium is in the far background. Kevin's car is in the center. Wart and Wayne walk past the camera toward the car. Wayne puts his arm around Wart, who is wearing Wayne's shirt. Kevin walks past the camera, following them.)
While soldiers - heroes...their brothers, struggled to find their way home from war.
(The camera rises slowly as they pause at the car. Wayne holds the back door open as Wart gets in. Wayne closes the door, then opens the front door and gets in, as Kevin gets in. Fade to black as Kevin starts the car and turns on the headlights.)
(Fade to Kevin's bedroom. The camera pans down from the dark wall, to Kevin, asleep in bed.)
While young boys watched, and grew wiser...in their dreams.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 95 - "Fishing")
(Around the campfire, playing cards and eating beans.)
JACK: This is the life, isn't it? Don't worry. Tomorrow we'll get up early and catch us a mess of fish. Right?
KEVIN: Sure, Dad.
(Wayne burps, then frowns.)
WAYNE: Um...
It was great. Old times...good times...sittin' around the fire...Dad and me skinning Wayne at cards...
WAYNE: Gin.
KEVIN: What?!
It was kinda like finding out your pet hampster could do calculus.
WAYNE: Dad, pop me a beer, will ya?
JACK: Unhhh.
KEVIN: Yeah, me too.
(Jack and Wayne frown at Kevin.)
What the hey...it was worth a shot.
KEVIN: Never mind.
JACK: Ya know...I've been thinkin'. One of these days I'm gonna chuck it all...find us a place to retire...like this. We could build us a cabin - logs maybe. Wouldn't have to be much.
It was the same old dream Dad had talked about since I was three years old.
JACK: We could come here in April and stay till it snowed. We could catch fish all summer...live off what we caught. (Smiles.)
It was like a litany. We'd heard it a hundred times before. Still, that night, for some reason...
WAYNE: Yeah, what about your mortgage?
JACK: What's that gotta do with it?
WAYNE: Well...don't ya like owe the bank a pile?
KEVIN: Yeah. I mean...is that really practical? (Frowns.) I mean, with what you make, and everything?
(Jack frowns.)
Course, looking back...our two cents might not have been exactly in the spirit of the moment.
(Wayne laughs.)
WAYNE: Gin. (Laughs.) 'Nother hand, huh?
JACK: Uh, I don't think so. Maybe we oughtta hit the hay, huh?
WAYNE: Yeah, sure!
KEVIN: Sure, Dad.
Good call. After all, if things were a little rough around the fire...
(Cut to Kevin and Wayne joining Jack in the tent.)
At least we always had the comfort of the old tent.
(They try to settle in.)
KEVIN: Hey...
WAYNE: Come on...
(Kevin tosses some things to make room.)
WAYNE: Watch it!
KEVIN: You watch it.
WAYNE: You can wait...
JACK: Wayne...
WAYNE: Hey - that's my spot. You're in my spot.
KEVIN: OK, OK.
(They struggle.)
WAYNE: No...
JACK: Wait - wait a minute! (Frowns.) Let's think this out! (Sighs.) What happened?
But it wasn't gonna take a genius to figure this one out. Stated simply...we were thirty-eight square feet of family, in thirty-two square feet of tent. Which added up to one thing.
KEVIN: Who thought of this stupid trip in the first place?
WAYNE: Knew we should have stayed in a motel.
JACK: Wayne...(Frowns.)
WAYNE: Ya know, I'm gonna sleep outside.
KEVIN: No - I'll sleep outside.
JACK: No...I'll sleep outside.
And of course, it was the only solution.
(The guys struggle over each other to get out. Sound of thunder and lightning as it starts to rain heavily. The guys pause and look out.)
And I guess at that moment it was clear...the horrible unvarnished truth. We were caught - trapped...three men in a tent. With no way out. And not only that...
KEVIN: Dad?
JACK: Yeah.
KEVIN: There's a leak.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 96 - "Scenes From A Wedding")
(At a wedding reception.)
I had blown my last chance at romance, intrigue, adventure. My last chance...at Linda. And then, just as things seemed hopeless...
(Kevin sees the empty bar, and walks toward it, to get the promised Champagne.)
Suddenly, nothing stood between me and destiny.
(Aunt Muriel grabs Kevin by the shoulders.)
AUNT MURIEL: There you are, handsome!
Nothing but - Mrs. Robinson's stunt-double.
AUNT MURIEL: Is it time for my dance yet?
KEVIN: Uh...
*
(Kevin drank the bottle of Champagne while waiting for Linda.)
LINDA: Kevin, are you gonna be alright?
KEVIN: Yeah. Yeah, it's...no problem.
Even in my stupor I knew what I had done. I behaved like an idiot. Betrayed my girlfriend. I'd acted like a fool. And now...
KEVIN: Linda.
LINDA: Yes, Kevin?
It was time to face the truth. About myself. About my past. It was time to stand up and act like a man. But maybe most of all, it was time to come clean.
KEVIN: I...
LINDA: Yes, Kevin?
KEVIN: Uh...blahhhhhhhhhh!
LINDA: Ahhh! Eeeew!!
So I did.
*
(Kevin walks through the crowd as the groom starts his speech.)
PETER: I just want say a few words...
By the time I got back from the men's room, I wasn't feeling too good about anything. About weddings, about marriage...
(Kevin looks at Norma, Jack amd Arthur. Arthur has his arm around Norma - again.)
About human nature. And at that moment, I couldn't help but think all the proposed romance behind a wedding...was just a sham.
(Arthur turns toward Norma.)
ARTHUR: You gonna dance with me later, hah?
PETER: For those of you who don't know me, I got married here today. (Smiles.)
(The crowd chuckles. Arthur raises his hand.)
ARTHUR: And I paid for it!
(The crowd laughs. Arthur smiles and slaps Jack on the chest.)
There it was. An empty ritual...dressed up in lies, and hypocracy, and greed.
PETER: Not many of you know the story behind Candy and me. I'm not gonna tell it now...I just...wouldn't want anyone to leave here today...
(Arthur has his arm draped over Norma's shoulder. Jack glances toward Arthur's hand, frowning.)
PETER: Not knowing how I feel about her. I feel, uh...very lucky, today. I don't know what you guys are gonna remember about this wedding today, uh...so I'm gonna ask you to remember one thing...That you to know... how...happy, and lucky, uh, fortunate...I feel, that I get to say that...Candy...is my wife. (Smiles.)
(The crowd applauds. Kevin glances off, then applauds.)
PETER: We did things kinda the old-fashioned way - oh, for 1972 anyway. (Smiles) I'm glad we waited. Honey?
(Candy joins Peter and they kiss. More applause and ooh's and ahh's from the crowd. The band plays "We've Only Just Begun".)
It was a testament to romance at its finest and most pure. It was a declaration of virtue. Simple, and gracious, and real. And after a day of infidelities...some proposed and planned...some more subtle...I felt for the first time...that someone believed in something a little different.
(Peter and Candy kiss.)
In love. In commitment.
ARTHUR: Alright! You ready?
JACK: Arthur.
ARTHUR: Yeah. (Smiles.)
In each other.
JACK: If you don't get your arm off my wife...I'm gonna break it off.
(Arthur straightens up, and removes his arm.)
ARTHUR: Jack, what...?
JACK: Come on. Let's dance.
(Jack frowns over his shoulder as he and Norma walk off.)
ARTHUR: Jack!
It almost made me glad to be there. I guess you could say that weddings mean a lot of things to a lot of people. We might cry at the romance unfulfilled in our own lives. And shrink at the unseen compromises our lives have held for us. But weddings also bring out hope. And promise. And possibility. After all, as we choose our partners...
(Peter and Candy kiss while dancing.)
Some of us make our choices for life.
(Arthur and Muriel are dancing.)
And some of us dance with just one of many.
(Jack and Norma are dancing closely. The camera circles around them.)
And sometimes - for the lucky ones - we remember why we picked who we did. And after years of fighting over burnt toast...and bounced checks...we might, for a brief moment...look at each other as we once did - before kids, and mortgages...and routine conspired against us.
(Kevin and Wayne are sitting in the distance.)
And others are content to postpone their choices...knowing somehow, that the future, like that Saturday afternoon, will tempt us with dances - both slow, and fast.
(Peter, Arthur, and Candy stand behind the wedding table. A photographer is sizing them up.)
ARTHUR: Come over here, Barbara!
KEVIN: That was a really nice speech, huh? You know, that stuff about...love...and that whole part about waiting...
WAYNE: Maybe he waited...but...
(Wayne frowns and shakes his head.)
WAYNE: She didn't.
KEVIN: You? Where?
WAYNE: At a wedding...
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 97 - "Sex and Economics")
Junior year was a time of...exploration, a time for expanding horizons, broadening perspectives, seeking answers to little-known questions. It was an opportunity to grapple with the great issues of our day, which as it happened, boiled down to only two. One was sex.
MISS FARMER: So...now is eveybody paying attention?
*
At eighty-some bucks for labor, plus materials, I'd have enough left from the five hundred to qualify as a small fortune.
CLERK: OK. One-forty-two for the paint. That's twenty-eight for the brushes. Thirty-five for the rollers. And sixteen bucks for the tarp.
A very small fortune.
KEVIN: One-forty-two for the paint? How'd you get that? (Frowns.)
CLERK: I added!
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 98 - "Politics As Usual")
(Jeff and Kevin are walking in the hallway after listening to a debate.)
There was something about that speech that grabbed us. Got us thinking. Wondering. Made us see politics in ways we couldn't help but respect.
(They see one of the debaters in the hallway surrounded by female students.)
JEFF: The guy probably gets the chicks like crazy.
KEVIN: Well, look at that. (Gestures.) They're all over him.
You had to admit...
(Two girls turn to leave, and Winnie is revealed.)
The guy had charisma. The guy had charm. The guy had my girlfriend practically drooling all over him.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 99 - "White Lies")
(At the Point.)
They say you can live a lifetime and never find love. So I guess I was lucky. Because true love crossed my path the first time I met the girl next door - Winnie Cooper.
(Winnie and Kevin are kissing, then Winnie pulls away.)
WINNIE: Kevin, wait!
KEVIN: What's wrong?
WINNIE: Isn't it kinda hot in here?
KEVIN: Feels fine to me. (Smiles.)
(He smiles again, and leans over to kiss her. They kiss passionately.)
Winnie and I'd been together longer than any couple I knew. Still, history only goes so far.
(Winnie pulls back.)
WINNIE: Kevin?
Kinda like Winnie.
KEVIN: What's the problem?
WINNIE: It's just that...(kiss)...if we don't stop now...(kiss)...I'm afraid I may not be able to later.
KEVIN: Well that's OK, isn't it? (kiss) I mean we love each other. (kiss)
WINNIE: Of course we do.(kiss)
KEVIN: And we've been going together, for what, six years now?
WINNIE: Six-and-a-half. (Smiles.)
(More passionate kissing.)
Unfortunately, the mathematics of the situation were open to interpretation. To me, they led forward, to that great unknown.
(Kevin kisses Winnie's neck. She starts to smile.)
But to Winnie, they led...
WINNIE (Brightly): Do you remember when we used to ride our bikes up here when we were kids?
Back!
(Kevin frowns. They both look off.)
KEVIN: We did?
WINNIE: Yeah...before they built it all up. Now they have all the lights down there, but it used to be all dark.
KEVIN: Oh...yeah.
(He smiles and turns to Winnie. They kiss some more.)
See, the great thing about us was that we had this past together.
(Winnie pulls away, looks off and smiles.)
WINNIE: And we went down the hill - we wouldn't even pedal - we would just glide...
The bad thing about us was that we had this past together.
KEVIN: You know, Winnie, you just changed the subject.
WINNIE: From what?
KEVIN: Never mind...
(Winnie smiles and snuggles on Kevin's shoulder. Kevin is looking out at the lights.)
Not that I minded being part of Winnie's past.
(Winnie reaches forward to the radio, smiles, and snuggles again. Kevin frowns.)
It's just, when it came to who I was...
(Kevin sighs, then kisses Winnie on her head, and looks off.)
She seemed to regard me as a known quantity.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 100 - "Wayne and Bonnie")
(Kevin and Jeff are watching Winnie play field-hockey.)
KEVIN: Winnie!
(She pauses, frowns, and runs off.)
KEVIN: Winnie! (To Jeff) I guess she didn't see me.
JEFF: I think she saw you.
And that was the problem. Winnie Cooper was treating me like I didn't exist.
KEVIN: I don't get it! I mean, what did I do, anyway?
JEFF: Well, let's see. Off-hand, I'd say you embarrassed her, ruined her reputation, and lied about your relationship. But other than that, you were a perfect gentleman.
Never mind the details. It was true. Winnie and I were on the outs.
*
(At a picnic.)
CINDY: Kevin, if you were an animal, what animal would you like to be? You can be any animal you want.
KEVIN: What animal?
CINDY: I bet you'd make a good bird - I can see you flying around...(twirls)...and looking at everything...
KEVIN: Yeah, I guess, uh...a bird...sounds OK.
CINDY: Look there's some swings over there - you want to try 'em out? Lets go try 'em out?!
KEVIN: Uh, you...go ahead. I'll be right over.
CINDY: OK, neat. See you soon, "Mr. Bird"...Bye!
Somehow in the cold light of Sunday, Cindy's chirpiness was becoming too chirpy. I missed Winnie more than ever.
*
(Kevin comes home late and finds Jack at the kitchen table. Wayne is leaving, with his bag of things.)
WAYNE: So where's Mom?
JACK: She, uh...went to bed.
WAYNE: I'm gettin' outta here.
JACK: Wayne! Can we talk for a minute?
WAYNE: Dad, there's nothing to talk about. I-I'm doing this, and that's it! (Gestures.)
JACK: Fine! If that's what you have to do.
It wasn't exactly the answer Wayne had expected.
JACK: Look, I...just got one thing to say, so bear with me, OK?
(Jack slides the chair out and points to it. Wayne drops his stuff on it and puts his hands in his pockets.)
JACK: You know...I, uh...started working at NORCOM right after the Marines. I was twenty-four, and I thought I was gonna be out of there in no time.
(He looks off and frowns.)
JACK: I was gonna try some different things. Take some chances.
(Jack looks at Wayne.)
JACK: I figured...I had my whole life ahead of me. But before I knew it...there was a family...a home - a mortgage.
(Jack looks off in thought and frowns.)
JACK: And...
In a way...I knew it was the hardest thing Dad had ever done. He was speaking from the heart. He was speaking out of love.
JACK: All I'm saying is...
(He frowns and shakes his head.)
WAYNE: Dad! That's your life...Not mine.
(Jack looks off a little mistily.)
WAYNE: I gotta get goin'.
(Wayne picks up his bag and heads for the door. Kevin and Wayne look at each other for a moment, then Wayne walks out.)
WAYNE: Seeya.
And then...he was gone. And we were left. And that house...seemed a little emptier.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 101 - "Kevin Delivers")
For most kids I went to high school with, Tuesday and Friday nights meant homework, hanging out, dating - the usual agonies and ecstasies of teenage life. For me, it meant something else - my high school job. I was "Kevin Arnold - Chinese food delivery boy".
(In the restaurant kitchen.)
Chong's Chinese restaurant. Where you found harried waiters, agile cooks, Peking ducks, and of course...
MR. CHONG: $%$&*$*(%(&.
KEVIN: Yessir, yessir.
Mr. Chong.
MR. CHONG: *$^*(&^)^()*$%#$.
After four months on the job, we'd finally learned how to communicate.
MR. CHONG: ^(*&%%&$^(%(!!
He yelled...
KEVIN: Well, traffic was a little rough.
MR. CHONG: )&^&*_&*#$@%##!@#^!
KEVIN: Yessir. I'm sorry, sir.
MR. CHONG: #^*(&^*$&^#&^&*!
And I made up excuses.
KEVIN: I'm sorry!
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 102 - "The Test")
KEVIN: I didn't know you knew anything about furniture, Dad.
JACK: I don't...but I'm ready to learn. We got a great crew.
KEVIN: What about NORCOM?
JACK: Figured your mom was right - it's time to take a chance. NORCOM was killing me...(shrugs)...so I left.
KEVIN: What'd they say?
JACK: They said "goodbye".
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 103 - "Let Nothing You Dismay")
(Jack is untangling Christmas lights in the garage.)
JACK: Damn these things.
KEVIN: You OK, Dad?
JACK: You know I paid a fortune for these things? Almost four bucks.
Yeah. Back in 1946.
KEVIN: You need any help?
JACK: Nah...I got some more lights in this box.
KEVIN: I'll give you a hand.
(Jack has trouble with the cord.)
JACK: Oh, jeez. I can't do anything right.
Of course I could see he needed help. Something to lighten the mood - take his mind off things.
KEVIN: I ran into Charlie at the mall.
JACK: How is he?
KEVIN: Well...he went back to NORCOM.
JACK: Yeah, I heard.
KEVIN: Oh. Well, I was just thinking...I bet you could go back. I mean, I bet NORCOM would love to have you back.
JACK: I can't go back, Kevin.
KEVIN: Well, sure you can -
JACK: Listen! Charlie Barrett did not talk me into this. I did it...because I wanted to. I did it...because I had to. I did it...because it was time. Understand?
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 104 - "New Year")
In the first ten days of Christmas recess, I'd participated in thirteen semi-organized, semi-suicidal touch football games.
(Kevin is gang-tackled. Chuck gets up.)
CHUCK: Jeez. This ground is rock-solid.
(Jeff holds his knee.)
JEFF: I think I broke somethin'.
(Paul gets up.)
PAUL: What are we doing here?
Of course, the reason was obvious.
(Kevin gets up.)
KEVIN: Got ya outta the house, didn't it?
CHUCK: He's right. Come on, guys - let's huddle up. (Claps.)
At sixteen, we were men on the run, fleeing house, home, and parents. Afraid of nothing. Except, maybe...
(In the huddle.)
KEVIN: What are you guys doin' for New Year's eve?
CHUCK: Uh. Serving drinks at my parent's party. You?
PAUL: My uncle's showing home-movies. (Frowns.)
New Year's eve. The nightmare of family togetherness.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 105 - "Alice in Autoland")
KEVIN: You got that wrench?
WINNIE: Yeah, here you go...
That winter, while everyone else was out partying, Winnie and I...
WINNIE: Maybe it's the alternator.
Were taking auto mechanics.
KEVIN: Why do you think that?
WINNIE: 'Cause that's what it was last time.
I'd bought the car from my grandfather for a dollar. And I was beginning to think he took me.
KEVIN: I hate this car!
Face it. In high-school, the car made the man. And mine...was making me miserable.
(Cut to cafeteria.)
JEFF: Maybe it's time you took it to a mechanic.
KEVIN: I already did.
JEFF: What'd he say?
KEVIN: I don't know. He was, uh...laughing too hard - I couldn't understand him.
*
(On the road in Kevin's car.)
ALICE: I got you a great deal on a car!
CHUCK: All you got me was a lousy set of floormats!
ALICE: Those floormats were top-of-the-line.
CHUCK: They already fell apart!
ALICE: Well, that's because you didn't use them right!
CHUCK: All I did was put my feet on them!
ALICE: Yeah, well your father said he was gonna get that stain out of my blouse...
It was like being trapped in the middle of an Excedrin commercial.
ALICE: But he never did!
CHUCK: It's salad oil! You can't get out salad oil!
KEVIN: Guys! (Gestures.) Do you always have to argue like this?
CHUCK: What do you mean?
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 106 - "Ladies and Gentlemen...The Rolling Stones")
(The group has not found the Rolling Stones, again.)
WINNIE: Kevin, I'm really sorry.
KEVIN: Ah, forget about it.
What the heck. This wasn't the time for "I told you so's" or rubbing it in.
WINNIE: No, you were the only one who knew how ridiculous we sounded.
KEVIN: Ah, come on. I mean we came here, we had a great time...what more could you ask?
It felt pretty good. I was generous, I was non-chalant. I was...
(Kevin bumps into the car behind them.)
An idiot! Suddenly my goodwill ebbed.
KEVIN: Now look at what you made me do!
CHUCK: Hey! We weren't driving.
And I no longer felt generous.
KEVIN: No! I was driving. And you know why? Because I'm crazy! I knew the Rolling Stones would never show up!
(Kevin kicks the bent bumper.)
I was really mad. And my foot hurt a lot.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 107 - "Unpacking")
(After Jeff skips school, Kevin visits him at Jeff's apartment.)
KEVIN: What is it with you? Is everything a joke to you?
JEFF: What do you mean?
KEVIN: I mean, you have an answer for everything - but...you never try and fit in!
JEFF: What are you - Ann Landers? (Gestures.)
KEVIN: What?!
JEFF: There's a proper way to do this...a proper way to do that...I mean, it's really none of your business.
OK, if the guy wanted to keep it to himself...fine with me.
KEVIN: Yeah, well...forget it!
JEFF: Hey!
KEVIN: What?
JEFF: You know...
(Jeff stands up quickly and takes a step forward, pointing to himself.)
JEFF: For your information, I didn't ask to move here. I didn't ask to have all my stuff put in a moving van, and come to some new place, and...and meet new people and "fit in"! My family was back there...(jerks his thumb)...and nobody asked me!
KEVIN: So that's it? You're just gonna to sit there...By yourself...?
(Jeff frowns and sighs. He gives Kevin a dismissing wave.)
JEFF: Oh, man, you don't know anything.
*
(In a restaurant in Jeff's hometown.)
But the fact was, I still had no idea why we were here.
(A girl walks in and pauses. Jeff stands up.)
JEFF: Julie...
JULIE: Jeff...Hi.
JEFF: I-I-I- had to see you. So h-h-how is everything? I mean...(Gestures.)
JULIE: It's about the same, I mean...well the kids are the same - and the teachers...
JEFF: Yeah...
JULIE: How are things at your school?
JEFF: Well, you know, it's...it's kinda tough when you're the coolest guy there, you know...(They smile.)
And suddenly I understood why he'd come - to get back something he was losing.
JULIE: I, uh, finished reading the book of Vonnegut short stories.
JEFF: Oh, you did? D-d-did you like 'em?
JULIE: Yeah. I loved the one where the business-man lets the deer go free. It made me cry.
JEFF: Yeah...Uh, listen, Julie...I-I-I wanted to write you a letter, but-but, uh...I came here, because, uh...
JULIE: I know...(Nods.)
JEFF: Uh, I-I couldn't do this any longer.
JULIE: I know...
JEFF: I met somebody else. But-but-but sh-she'll never replace you, you know.
(Julie smiles and nods.)
JULIE: I met someone, too.
JEFF: Y-Y-You did?
JULIE: But I think about you all the time.
JEFF: Me too...God, I hate this.
(He wipes his eyes slowly. Julie shrugs and looks off.)
JULIE: Yeah, me too.
And I guess that's when I knew. He hadn't come to here to hold on...
JULIE: I, uh...guess I better get going...
(She exits, and Jeff watches her leave.)
He'd come...to let go.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 108 - "Hulk Arnold")
JEFF: Hey, Kev? Why don't you go out for the wrestling team?
KEVIN: What!?
JEFF: Well why not? I mean you have this weird natural ability, right?
KEVIN: Hey! How much time do I want to spend jammed into some guy's armpit?
*
KEVIN: How could you even call that a practice? I mean, first, I wasn't even ready. And the kid pulled this...pretzel-hold I've never even seen before.
I'd about had it.
KEVIN: Why do I put myself through this?
After one afternoon, I'd decided to put an end to my wrestling career.
WINNIE: That must really hurt.
Then again...
(Winnie kisses Kevin's cheek.)
KEVIN: He also...mashed my chin. It'll probably look a lot worse tomorrow.
(Winnie kisses his chin.)
KEVIN: And you should have seen the guy - he was a giant.
WINNIE: I never knew what it would be like.
KEVIN: What?
WINNIE: You know...dating a jock...
KEVIN: Oh...
WINNIE: I just wish I could make it all better.
(Winnie snuggles closer. Kevin looks at the camera and grins.)
So, I decided to give the sport...another chance.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 109 - "Nose")
Ricky Holsenback...was in love.
RICKY: Look at her. She's really gorgeous. (Smiles.)
And not just in love. I'm talking madly, head-over-heels, blind-as-a-bat, in love.
RICKY: As soon as I saw her, I knew she was the one.
(Jeff approaches and sits down.)
JEFF: Who's the one?
RICKY: Her.
(Jeff looks over his shoulder.)
JEFF: Whoa!
RICKY: Yeah...she's really something, isn't she?
JEFF: Yeah - she's uh, definitely hard to forget.
RICKY: Yeah - I wish I could meet her.
KEVIN: Well, if you like her so much, go over and talk to her. (Gestures.)
RICKY: Well, I mean...what would I say?
JEFF: How about "pass the pepper"? (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Just say "hi".
RICKY: Well, you think that'll work?
KEVIN: Go over and see. (Gestures.)
RICKY: OK. OK - here I go. I'm gonna do it. I'm going.
(Ricky stands slowly.)
And as Ricky boldly ventured forth...we, of course, gave him all the encouragement we could.
CHUCK: Don't spit when you talk.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 110 - "Eclipse")
LOUIS: I got plans for this baby! Look, Arnold, you seem to be a trust-worthy kind of guy. Do you know what's gonna happen at exactly two-fifteen today?
KEVIN: Yeah, there's going to be an eclipse.
LOUIS: Nanana, that's not all there's gonna be. They got a toilet at the planetarium. The cherry bomb goes in and then tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, boom!
Maybe he was in some sort of Gestalt therapy...
CHUCK: It's no use. She doesn't want to come out of the ladies' room.
LOUIS: Remember, Arnold, two-fifteen sharp. Cover your ears.
CHUCK: Wait, I thought we were just not supposed to look at the eclipse.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 111 - "Poker")
(During the game, Kevin has found a card under Jeff's foot.)
KEVIN: You cheated.
JEFF: I did not. My fingers were greasy from the potato chips. I-I-I'm sure a card, ya know, just...shot right outta my hands. (Sighs.) Alright. Alright. (Gestures.) Then ask yourselves this - why would I possibly cheat at cards? (Smiles.)
PAUL: Well, the way I see it...your motive is greed.
JEFF: Excuse me, Lieutenant Columbo, maybe I'm just a better card-player than all you guys - you ever think of that?!
CHUCK: I can't take this anymore. This is insane!
And somehow...I couldn't avoid the thought maybe Chuck was right.
See also Full Transcript
(Ep 112 - "The Little Women")
(At the point.)
WINNIE: You're upset about my SAT scores, aren't you?
KEVIN: What? Don't be ridiculous! (Frowns.)
WINNIE: I don't know why you should be.
KEVIN: Well, I'm not. (Frowns.) I mean, how long have I known you?
WINNIE: Almost all my life.
KEVIN: Right. (Frowns.) And in all that time...you never felt like telling me you were smart?
Good thing this wasn't bothering me.
WINNIE: Kevin, you knew I was smart! (Frowns.)
KEVIN: In the fourth grade I knew you were good at math, OK? I didn't know you were some kind of Einstein or someone. I mean, gosh, you think you know someone...and then, "bam", you find out they're hiding things from you.
WINNIE: I didn't hide anything. (Frowns.)
KEVIN: Oh? How come you didn't tell me about your test scores?
WINNIE: I don't know! I just...(sighs)...I just thought that...it might hurt your ego.
KEVIN: Ego? Hah! That just goes to show how much you know - I don't even have an ego! Hah-hah!
WINNIE: Kevin, you're acting so stupid about this!
Now see, if I had an ego, a remark like that might have really really hurt.
KEVIN: Oh, so now I'm stupid. (Gestures.)
WINNIE: I didn't say you are stupid. (Frowns.) I said you're acting stupid!
KEVIN: Oh, but I guess if I were as smart as you...I'd know exactly what you're talking about, right?
All in all...you could say that I was handling this rather maturely.
WINNIE: I have an idea.
(Winnie pauses, shakes her head, then looks forward.)
WINNIE: Let's go home.
KEVIN: Hmmph.
(Kevin starts the car, shakes his head and glances at Winnie.)
I couldn't have put it better myself.
(Note: Danica went on to major in math at college.)
*
The bowling alley - the last bastion of male-dom. An island of stability in a changing world, it was about manly things. Like unmuffled clamor, and uncurbed fashion, and grunting and belching. A place that drew real men...like flies.
*
So what if women could influence government, take over big business, dominate education, make the world a better place? In one important respect, we still had a lot to teach them. Yep, when it came to being jerks, they still had a lot to learn.
Uhuh-uhuh-uhhhhhhhhhh!
Also Full Transcript
(Ep 113 - "Reunion")
Homecoming at the grand-parents. We saw them, oh...about once every century.
(Jack tiredly approaches with four suitcases.)
JACK: Hi! (Frowns.)
(Norma's parents look at him and quiet down.)
JACK: How's everybody?
Maybe there was a reason.
(Norma's mom looks at Norma.)
JANE: Well, why don't we come on inside? You must be exhausted from your trip. Come on, come on...
Maybe it was Dad.
(Norma's dad looks at Jack.)
KARL: Well...(gestures)...better get that luggage inside, before some of the local kids make off with it. (Exits.)
Yeah.
Also Full Transcript
(Ep 114 - "Summer")
I guess things never turn out exactly the way you planned. I know they didn't with me. Still, like my dad used to say - traffic's traffic. You go where life takes you. I remember a time, a place, a particular 4th of July. The things I saw in that decade of war and change. I remember how it was, growing up. Among people and places I loved. Most of all, I remember how it was...to leave.
*
Face it. Nothing was going right - my job, my future, my family. Not to mention the last night I'd spent with my girl.
(At "The Point".)
KEVIN: This song is really stupid. I mean, what is someone gonna to do - kiss an envelope or something?
WINNIE: Yeah, I guess so.
KEVIN: Winnie, are you sure you want to do this?
WINNIE: Well, it's a good job.
KEVIN: What - being a lifeguard at some stupid resort?
WINNIE: Kevin, my uncle went through a lot of trouble to get me this job. Besides, what's wrong with being a lifeguard?
KEVIN: Nothing! It's just...(sighs)...you're gonna be so far away. And...
Course, what I wanted to say was...how much I'd miss her.
KEVIN: It's just gonna be just - so...inconvenient.
WINNIE: Inconvenient?!
KEVIN: Who's stupid idea was this anyway?
WINNIE: I think it was yours.
KEVIN: Mine?!
WINNIE: You were the one who said that we should spend the summer finding ourselves.
KEVIN: I didn't say that...What I meant was...we should find ourselves, but, you know, still be together. Uh, keep our space, only...not really.
Yeah, that was it, in a nutshell.
WINNIE: Kevin, do we have to argue? This is our last night together. I'll think about you every minute.
And, well, putting it that way...
KEVIN: Me too. (Smiles.)
What was I worried about? We'd think about each other every minute.
WINNIE: I have to start looking for bathing suits.
Also "Full Transcript"
Ep 115 - "Independence Day")
By that evening I'd come up with a plan - win enough money to buy out the resort, and fire all the life-guards. After that - suicide.
*
HOWIE: Kevin, something's wrong?
KEVIN: Beat it!
MR. DEXTER: Young man, where's your uniform?
KEVIN: Stick it!
(Kevin walks up to Winnie and Eric, who are seated at a table.)
The next morning I'd made up my mind.
KEVIN: Winnie?
(Eric stands up.)
ERIC: Hey.
I had all night to decide what to do.
KEVIN: I just want you to know...
(Kevin punches Eric. Winnie stands up quickly as Eric falls back on the table.)
KEVIN: I'll be leaving now.
Not that I was down or anything. It was the Fourth of July - so call it macaroni. I'd set out to find myself, and ended up losing everything.
*
Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers - next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place...a town...a house like a lot of other houses...A yard like a lot of other yards...On a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is...after all these years, I still look back...with wonder.
YOUNG BOY: Hey Dad...wanna play catch?
I'll be right there.
Also "Full Transcript"
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12/02/14 17:55