Episode 105 - "Alice In Autoland"
Opening Sequence
(Clip of "The Honeymooners".)
RALPH: Well, for your information, I'm not gonna act like that!
ALICE: Oh, yes you will, Ralph! You certainly will!
Throughout time...
(Clips of a woman and man in a grassy field. He spins her around and kicks her on the butt.)
There have been some pretty obnoxious couples.
(Clip from "The Public Enemy" of Jimmy Cagney and a woman sitting at a table, frowning.)
Couples who constantly bickered.
(Jimmy pushes a grapefruit in the woman's face.)
(Close shot of King Kong.)
Couples who had trouble communicating.
(Close shot of Fay Wray screaming.)
(Shot of Frankenstein's Monster, Vertical-Hair Woman and 2 others.)
But never, in the history of men and women...
(Closer shot of Frankenstein's Monster and Vertical-Hair Woman as Frankenstein's Monster approaches her, smiling.)
Had there been a couple more horrifying, more terrifying, than...
(Close shot of Frankenstein's hands gesturing.)
FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER (V/O): Friend?
(Close shot of Vertical-Hair Woman as she screams: "Ahhhhhhhhh!")
Cut to
Int. Night - Party
(Shot of Chuck and Alice facing each other. Chuck is holding his arms out. "Let's Stay Together" - Al Green plays throughout.)
CHUCK: I don't get it - what did I do?
ALICE: You know exactly what you did!
Alice Pedermeir...
CHUCK: I don't know!
ALICE: You do too!
And Chuck Coleman.
(Shot past Alice of Chuck looking at her.)
CHUCK: I do not! I brought you punch! Shoot me in the head!
(Shot past Chuck of Alice.)
ALICE: You know that I like ginger ale! (Frowns.)
(Close shot of Chuck looking at Alice off-screen.)
CHUCK: I made a mistake!
(Shot past Chuck of Alice.)
ALICE: So - you don't know anything about me!
(Shot past Alice of Chuck looking at her.)
CHUCK: I know everything about you.
(Shot past Chuck of Alice as she closes her eyes.)
ALICE: What color are my eyes?
(Shot past Alice of Chuck looking at her.)
CHUCK: Ah...
(Wide shot of them facing each other. Alice has her arms crossed.)
In the three months they'd been dating...
(Shot past Chuck of Alice with her eyes closed.)
They'd broken up twenty-seven times.
(Shot past Alice of Chuck looking at her.)
A class record.
CHUCK: Uh...gray!
(Chuck smiles, then frowns.)
CHUCK: Green! Uh...
(Chuck frowns and wags his head from side to side.)
CHUCK: Gray-green!
(Alice opens her eyes. Chuck points.)
CHUCK: Brown!
(Shot past Chuck of Alice near tears.)
ALICE: That's right, Chuck!
(Alice hurries off past the camera.)
Make that twenty-eight times.
(Shot of Paul and Jeff spinning around in their chairs toward the camera and look at Chuck off-screen. Paul sips some punch.)
JEFF: You think we should do something?
(Paul looks at Jeff.)
PAUL: Nope.
(Paul looks toward Chuck off-screen.)
JEFF: I mean, look at the guy!
(Shot of Chuck forlornly looking after Alice off-screen.)
(Shot of Paul and Jeff.)
JEFF: Looks like he needs us, man.
(Paul looks at Jeff, then Chuck off-screen and shakes his head.)
PAUL: Nope.
(Shot of Chuck.)
And in situations like these, there was one cardinal rule.
(Chuck smiles slightly and waves to "somebody".)
(Shot of Paul and Jeff as "Let's Stay Together" fades.)
JEFF: We just can't leave him standing there, can we?
(Paul looks at Jeff, then Chuck off-screen and nods.)
PAUL: Yep.
(Paul and Jeff turn their chairs around to face away from the camera. "Swayin' To The Music" - starts.)
Never, never, get in the middle of someone else's relationship.
(Shot of the bathroom door as Alice opens it and looks toward Chuck off-screen. The camera rolls back as she approaches him.)
ALICE: Pooky? They're playing our song....
(Alice holds her hand out and Chuck takes it.)
CHUCK: I know.
(Chuck spins Alice around under his arm.)
CHUCK: I'm ready..."brown-eyes".
(Chuck pulls Alice gentle to him, and they hug and start to slow-dance.)
It was a tried-and-true theory. Leave well enough alone, and things would work out.
ALICE: I'm sorry, Pooky.
Cut to
Ext. Night
(Shot of Kevin and Winnie as Kevin lifts the hood of his car. Steam billows out from the engine.)
Except, perhaps...when it came to my car.
KEVIN: You have that wrench?
WINNIE: Yeah, here you go...
That winter, while everyone else was out partying, Winnie and I...
WINNIE: Maybe it's the alternator.
Were taking auto mechanics.
KEVIN: Why do you think that?
WINNIE: Cuz that's what it was last time.
I'd bought the car from my grandfather for a dollar, and I was beginning to think he took me.
(Kevin slams his hands on the fender as Winnie fans the steam.)
KEVIN: I hate this car.
(Kevin kicks the bumper, which falls off one side.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Winnie off-screen.)
Face it. In high school...
(Close shot of Winnie looking at Kevin off-screen as a hubcap spirals in.)
The car made the man.
(Close shot of Kevin smiling uneasily at at Winnie off-screen, then looking down.)
And mine was making me miserable.
Cut to
Cafeteria
(Shot of Jeff as he sits down.)
JEFF: Maybe it's time you took it to a mechanic.
(Shot of Jeff and Kevin facing each other, and Chuck and Alice facing each other at the same table.)
KEVIN: I already did.
(Shot past Jeff of Kevin.)
JEFF: What'd he say?
KEVIN: I don't know. He was, uh...laughing too hard - I couldn't understand him.
JEFF: I don't know what the problem is, man. All ya need is...new tires, and a new body, and...a new motor. (Smiles.)
(Shot past Jeff of Kevin smiling at him.)
Wiseguy...
(Kevin looks at his food, then glances toward Chuck and alice off-screen.)
And if that weren't bad enough, I had to sit there and watch...
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Chuck and Alice sucking up a piece of spaghetti between them.)
"Lady and the Tramp".
(They kiss.)
(Wider shot as Chuck and Alice settle back in their seats. Kevin and Jeff look at them.)
KEVIN: That is really disgusting. You know...(gestures)...you guys must have just broken...
(Kevin looks at Jeff.)
KEVIN: What - nine or ten...
(Kevin looks at Chuck.)
KEVIN: Health codes?
CHUCK: What's the matter with him?
JEFF: Rickshaw trouble.
(Shot of Kevin and Chuck as Chuck leans toward Alice off-screen.)
CHUCK: Kevin's car's a lemon. (Nods.)
(Kevin looks at Chuck.)
KEVIN: It's not a lemon! (Frowns.)
(Kevin looks at Alice off-screen.)
KEVIN: It just...
(Kevin looks at Chuck.)
KEVIN: Needs a little work.
(Shot past Chuck of Alice looking at Kevin off-screen.)
ALICE: Well, why don't you just get a new one?
(Shot of Kevin and Chuck looking at Alice off-screen.)
KEVIN: What, are you joking? (Smiles.) I can't afford a new car...
And that's when fate stepped in.
(Shot past Chuck of Alice looking at Kevin off-screen.)
ALICE: Maybe my dad could help you out.
(Shot of Kevin and Chuck looking at Alice off-screen.)
KEVIN: Who's your dad?
(Shot past Chuck of Alice looking at Kevin off-screen.)
ALICE: "Pistol Pete" Pedermeir - the used-car cowboy? (Nods.)
(Shot of Kevin and Chuck looking at each other.)
KEVIN: Oh, I didn't know that.
(Kevin looks toward Alice off-screen.)
(Close shot of Alice looking at Kevin off-screen.)
It was like being in the presence...
(Alice glances at Chuck and smiles.)
Of a celebrity.
(Shot of Kevin and Chuck looking at Alice off-screen.)
KEVIN: You think maybe he could help me out?
(Shot past Chuck of Alice looking at Kevin off-screen.)
ALICE: Uh-hmm...(Nods.)
CHUCK: Are you kidding?
(Alice looks at Chuck.)
(Shot of Kevin and Chuck looking at each other.)
CHUCK: "Pistol Pete" Pedermeir...help someone out?
(Shot past Chuck of Alice frowning at him.)
ALICE: What's that supposed to mean?
(Shot of Kevin and Chuck. Chuck looks at Alice off screen. Kevin looks at Chuck.)
CHUCK: Nothing - just that he's uh, uh, a car salesman.
(Shot past Chuck of Alice frowning at him.)
ALICE: Well, what about your father?
(Shot of Kevin and Chuck. Chuck looks at Alice off screen as Kevin looks down.)
CHUCK: My father's a dry-cleaner.
(Shot past Chuck of Alice frowning at him.)
ALICE: Yeah, well, my father is a pillar of the community! (Nods.)
(Shot of Kevin and Chuck as Kevin turns towrd him.)
KEVIN: Guys! (Frowns.)
I wanted to keep this on track.
(Shot past Chuck of Alice frowning at him, then looking at Kevin off-screen.)
ALICE: I bet my dad could get you a really good deal. Do you want to go down there this afternoon? (Nods.)
(Shot of Kevin and Chuck looking toward Alice off-screen.)
OK, maybe I should have known better...
(Shot past Kevin of Jeff looking at Kevin, then Chuck off-screen.)
(Shot of Kevin and Chuck looking toward Alice off-screen.)
KEVIN: Well...
(Kevin looks at Chuck and smiles slightly.)
KEVIN: Maybe we could just...check it out.
But it was worth a try.
(Close shot of Alice smiling slightly at Kevin, then glancing at Chuck and back to Kevin off-screen.)
After all, this was Alice's dad - a pillar of the community.
(Shot of Chuck and Kevin as Chuck leans a little closer.)
CHUCK: Hang on to your wallet, Kev.
Cut to
Int. Day - Car Showroom
(Close shot of "Pistol Pete" wearing a pale gray cowboy hat.)
PISTOL PETE: I'm tellin' you partner - I know cars, and I know people...
(The camera pulls back slightly to include a customer.)
PISTOL PETE: And this is the car for you! (Smiles.)
Or an urban cowboy.
MAN: Well, I'm just not sure...(Gestures.)
PISTOL PETE: Well, I am, so come on...
(Pete makes a fist and taps the man on the chest.)
(Shot of Alice, Chuck and Kevin looking at Pete off-screen. Alice smiles as Chuck turns to Kevin.)
PISTOL PETE (V/O): This is your chance!
CHUCK: What did I tell ya?
(Chuck looks toward Pete.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Pete and the man as Pete looks at his watch.)
PISTOL PETE: Now, I'll give you one more minute - then I'm walkin'...
(The man glances off.)
MAN: Well, uh...
(Pete makes an animated little walk.)
PISTOL PETE: I'm starting to walk...
MAN: But, uh...
(Shot of Alice, Chuck and Kevin looking at Pete off-screen.)
MAN (V/O): Pete...
PISTOL PETE (V/O): I'm...walkin' right now.
MAN (V/O): I'll take it!
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Pete and the man.)
PISTOL PETE: Congratulations, partner!
(Pete whacks the man on the shoulder and smiles.)
PISTOL PETE: Now you just talk to my sales manager right over there...
(Pete pushes the customer out of the shot.)
PISTOL PETE: And he'll fix you right up.
(Pete adjusts his coat.)
(Shot of Alice, Chuck and Kevin as Alice raises her hand and smiles.)
ALICE: Daddy!
(Alice walks past the camera.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Pete as he turns and approaches.)
PISTOL PETE: Oh, hello, sweetheart. (Smiles.) This is a pleasant surprise.
(Shot past Pete of the others. Alice elbows Chuck, who waves and smiles slightly.)
CHUCK: Hi, Pete.
(Shot of Pete looking at Chuck off-screen.)
PISTOL PETE: Who are you? (Frowns.)
(Shot past Pete of the others. Alice elbows Chuck, who waves and smiles slightly.)
CHUCK: I'm Chuck. Chuck? (Shrugs.)
(Shot of Pete looking at Chuck off-screen.)
CHUCK (V/O): Chuck Coleman?
PISTOL PETE: Oh. Right...(Frowns.)
(Shot past Pete of the others as Alice gestures toward Kevin.)
ALICE: And this is Kevin Arnold.
(Kevin nods and step forward, smiling.)
KEVIN: Hi, sir!
(They shake hands.)
ALICE: He's looking for a car.
(Close shot of Pete perking up and smiling excitedly.)
PISTOL PETE: Oh - Howdy, partner!
(He whacks Kevin on the shoulder.)
(Shot past Pete of Kevin smiling as they shake hands.)
PISTOL PETE (V/O): You came to the right corral!
(Close shot of Alice looking at Pete off-screen.)
ALICE): Daddy!
(Alice shakes her head slightly.)
(Close shot of Pete looking at Alice off-screen.)
PISTOL PETE: Sorry.
(Pete looks at Kevin off-screen.)
PISTOL PETE: Uh, how much you looking to spend?
(Shot past Pete of Kevin, who looks toward Alice off-screen, then back to Pete.)
KEVIN: Well, I was kind of hoping, sir, for uh...(smiles)...you know, an equal trade. (Nods.)
(Close shot of Pete looking at Kevin off-screen.)
PISTOL PETE: Trade, huh? Well, what have you got to trade?
(Shot past Pete of Kevin.)
KEVIN: An Olds. (Nods.)
(Close shot of Pete nodding.)
(Shot of Pete facing the others as Kevin looks toward the street.)
KEVIN: That one. (Points.)
(Shot of the car parking at the sidewalk as the front bumper falls off one side "woing-woing".)
(Close shot of Pete looking toward the car off-screen and sighing.)
PISTOL PETE: I see...
(Shot of Pete turning away form the others and approaching the camera. Alice steps after him.)
ALICE: Uh, Daddy? I kind of promised Kevin a good deal.
(Shot past Alice of Pete as he turns around.)
ALICE: Please, Daddy?
PISTOL PETE: Well...(Frowns.)
(Shot past Pete of Alice tilting her head to one side as she blinks her eyes at Pete.)
But I guess even a used-car king couldn't resist a daughter's batting eyes.
(Alice smiles.)
(Shot past Alice of Pete.)
PISTOL PETE: Alright...
(Pete looks past the camera toward Kevin off-screen.)
PISTOL PETE: Come back tomorrow. (Nods.)
(Alice turns toward Kevin and smiles.)
PISTOL PETE: We got a new shipment coming in.
(Shot of Chuck and Kevin looing at Pete off-screen.)
Bingo.
(Kevin looks at Chuck, then back to Pete.)
KEVIN: Really?
(Shot of Alice and Pete looking at Kevin off-screen.)
PISTOL PETE: Sure, Kevin.
(Pete puts his arm around Alice's shoulder. She smiles.)
PISTOL PETE: Any friend o' Alie's is a friend of mine.
(He smiles at Alice and pats ehr shoulder, then smiles at Kevin off-screen.)
And with that...
(Close shot of Kevin smiling slightly at them off-screen.)
It began to look like this whole thing was gonna have a happy ending.
Cut to
Ext. Day - The Road
(Shot past Kevin of Alice and Chuck in the front seat of Kevin's car.)
ALICE: I got you a great deal on a car!
CHUCK: All you got me was a lousy set of floormats!
ALICE: Those floormats were top-of-the-line!
CHUCK: They already fell apart!
ALICE: Well, that's because you didn't use them right!
CHUCK: All I did was put my feet on them!
ALICE: Yeah, well your father said he was gonna get that stain out of my blouse......
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin frowning slightly and glancing off.)
It was like being trapped in the middle of an Excedrin commercial.
ALICE: But he never did!
(Shot through the windshield of Chuck and Alice.)
CHUCK: It's salad oil! (Gestures.) You can't get out salad oil!
(Alice looks forward.)
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin frowning slightly at them off-screen.)
KEVIN: Guys! (Gestures.) Do you always have to argue like this?
(Shot past Kevin of Alice and Chuck, as Chuck leans forward past Alice and frowns at Kevin.)
CHUCK: What do you mean?
(Kevin looks at Chuck and frowns, as Alice crosses ehr arms and settles in the seat. Kevin looks forward.)
KEVIN: Never mind.
After all, if they wanted to fight...
(Kevin glances toward them again.)
That was their business.
(Kevin looks forward.)
Me, I had more important things on my mind.
Cut to
Int. Day - School Hallway
(Shot of Kevin turning a corner and approaching the camera which rolls back with him.)
And so, the next morning...
(Kevin looks past the camera and smiles slowly.)
There was nothing more to do but...spread the word of my good fortune.
(Shot from Kevin's perspective as he approaches Winnie at her locker, as she puts her coat away.)
Heh-heh. Winnie was gonna flip, when I told her about -
(Chuck cuts in front of Kevin.)
CHUCK: Kev! (Frowns.)
KEVIN (V/O): Chuck!
CHUCK: Listen, we gotta talk!
(Chuck starts to exit.)
(Close shot of Kevin as Chuck pulls him by the arm - "Whhht!".)
Cut to
Restroom
(Shot of Chuck entering, pulling Kevin after him, then passing the camera.)
KEVIN: Chuck, what is it? (Gestures.)
(Shot of Chuck looking at Kevin off-screen.)
CHUCK: She dumped me!
(Shot of Kevin looking at Chuck off-screen. Sound of a flushing toilet.)
KEVIN: What?! (Frowns.)
(Shot of Chuck looking at Kevin off-screen.)
CHUCK: She dumped me. (Gestures.)
(Chuck takes a few steps sideways.)
CHUCK: Alice!
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Chuck off-screen.)
KEVIN: Why?
(Shot of Chuck standing at the sinks.)
CHUCK: How should I know? She says that...that she deserved better than me.
(Close shot of Kevin frowning at Chuck off-screen.)
CHUCK (V/O): Can you believe that?
KEVIN: Well..
(Shot of Chuck standing at the sinks.)
CHUCK: She said she never wanted to talk to me again!
(He points to his chest.)
CHUCK: Me!
(Shot of both as Chuck looks in the mirror. A little violin music plays.)
CHUCK: Am I not human? Do I not bleed?
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Chuck off-screen.)
It was kinda tragic, really.
KEVIN: Well...gee, Chuck, I'm - I'm sorry.
(Shot of Chuck throwing up his hands and nodding as he takes a few steps.)
KEVIN (V/O): I mean, that's...rotten.
(Chuck runs his hand through his hair, and turns toward Kevin off-screen and points.)
CHUCK: Yeah. And it's all your fault!
(Wider shot of Kevin looking at chuck off-scren.)
KEVIN: Mine?! (Frowns.)
(Shot of Chuck looking at Kevin off-screen.)
CHUCK: Yeah! (Gestures.) Well, I mean...(points)...if we wouldn't have gone for that car...then we wouldn't have gotten into this fight...and I would be with my girl...(points down)...right here...(points down)...right now!
(Close shot of Kevin frowning at Chuck off-screen.)
It was a leap of logic only a love-struck teenager could make.
KEVIN: Chuck...if there's anything I can do...
(Shot of Chuck looking at Kevin off-screen.)
CHUCK: As a matter-of-fact, there is. You can forget about that car!
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Chuck off-screen and hesitating.)
KEVIN: What?
(Shot of Chuck looking at Kevin off-screen and holding his hands out.)
CHUCK: Well, I mean, Kev...
(Chuck rolls his eyes, shrugs and smiles.)
CHUCK: Come on, you're not gonna sit...(frowns)...in a Pedermeir car now, are you?!
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Chuck off-screen.)
KEVIN: Oh, come on, Chuck. (Smiles.) I mean...
(Shot of both as Kevin waves at Chuck and approaches the camera.)
KEVIN: You can't be serious.
(Chuck steps after him.)
CHUCK: Her father hates me. She hates me! (Gestures.) I mean, doing business with them, it...
(Chuck takes a step nearer to Kevin.)
CHUCK: Well, it'd be like stabbing me in the heart. Right?
(Shot past Chuck of Kevin looking at him, then glancing off.)
Now remember, I really needed those wheels. So there was only one thing I could say.
(Kevin looks at Chuck.)
KEVIN: Listen. Chuck. Lemme just talk to her...
(Chuck shakes his head.)
CHUCK: No, no.
(Shot past Kevin of Chuck.)
CHUCK: That won't do any good.
(Shot past Chuck of Kevin looking at him, then glancing off.)
KEVIN: Let me just try.
(Shot past Kevin of Chuck as he closes his eyes and wags his head.)
CHUCK: Alright...
(Chuck looks at Kevin.)
CHUCK: You can try.
(Kevin exits past the camera. Chuck looks after him and points.)
CHUCK: But it won't do any good!
Cut to
Int. - Library
(Shot of Kevin approaching the camera.)
Ah, what did Chuck know about women? She was probably pining away for him right now.
(Kevin pauses close to the camera.)
KEVIN: Alice...
(Shot past Kevin of Alice turning toward him.)
ALICE: I never want to see him again! He's scum! He's a pig! He's a rodent!
STUDENT: Shhh!
(Alice glances over her shoulder and back to Kevin.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking off.)
(Close shot of Alice looking at him off-screen.)
ALICE: He's a cockroach.
(Shot of both as they approach the camera, on opposite sides of a counter.)
On the other hand, maybe the guy had a point.
KEVIN: Alice...
(They pause and look at each other as she crosses her arms.)
KEVIN: A lot of relationships have their ups and downs.
ALICE: Yeah?
(Close shot of Alice looking at him off-screen.)
ALICE: Well this one's gone to China. It's over...
(Close shot of Kevin frowning at Alice off-screen.)
ALICE (V/O): Finished, finito, history!
(Kevin looks off.)
ALICE (V/O): Dead.
(Close shot of Alice looking at him off-screen.)
ALICE: So...when do you want to go look at my dad's cars? (Smiles.)
(Close shot of Kevin frowning at Alice off-screen.)
KEVIN: What?!
(Close shot of Alice looking at him off-screen.)
ALICE: Well, we can go this afternoon - I'm not busy.
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Alice off-screen.)
And the thing was...I was tempted.
KEVIN: Well...
(Kevin glances off.)
KEVIN: The thing is...
(Close shot of Alice looking at him off-screen.)
CHUCK (V/O): Am I not human?
(Close shot of Kevin glncing off.)
CHUCK (V/O): Do I not...bleed?
(Kevin looks at Alice off-screen.)
But...
KEVIN: I don't think I can. (Frowns.)
(Close shot of Alice looking at him off-screen and frowning heavily.)
ALICE: Fine!
(She flips a dictionary closed.)
(Shot of both as Alice exits past the camera.)
ALICE: Then forget it!
STUDENT (V/O): Shhhh!
(Kevin looks after her off-screen.)
And there went my new car.
Cut to
Cafeteria
(Wide shot across a table of Winnie and Kevin facing each other at the far end. The camera moves in.)
Still, maybe it was for the best. After all, these were not the kind of situations you wanted to get involved in.
(Shot past Kevin of Winnie looking at him.)
WINNIE: Are we going to that party on Friday night?
(Shot past Winnie of Kevin as he looks up toward her.)
KEVIN: Sure! (Nods.) Absolutely. (Smiles.)
(Shot past Kevin of Winnie looking off.)
WINNIE: Because I was thinking, um...
(Winnie looks at Kevin.)
WINNIE: Maybe we could find somebody who will double with us. (Smiles.)
(Close shot past Winnie of Kevin looking at her.)
KEVIN: Double? Why?
(Close shot past Kevin of Winnie smiling at him.)
WINNIE: Because it'd be fun...and we could go in their car.
(Close shot past Winnie of Kevin looking at her.)
KEVIN: I see...
(Kevin smiles and nods as he looks off.)
(Close shot past Kevin of Winnie looking at him.)
WINNIE: Bye!
(Shot past Winnie of Kevin looking at her as she exits past the camera. Kevin frowns and drops his fork on his plate.)
KEVIN: Terrific.
(Kevin reaches for the empty milk carton.)
It was embarrassing. Humiliating.
(Shot of Kevin approaching the trashcan with his tray.)
Suddenly, it seemed like my whole life was being ruined...
(Kevin pauses and cleans his tray into the trashcan.)
By this broken-down car. It was an albatross around my key-ring.
(A cafeteria worker behind Kevin turns toward him.)
MAN: Hey, kid? Is that your car I keep seeing in the parking lot?
(Kevin turns over his shoulder.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking toward the man off-screen.)
KEVIN: I'm sure it is.
(Kevin turns back to the trash.)
MAN (V/O): Lookin' to unload it?
Huh?
(Kevin turns toward the man off-screen.)
KEVIN: Uh...yeah! (Smiles.)
(Close shot of the man looking at Kevin of-screen.)
KEVIN: If the price is right.
(The man smiles slightly.)
MAN: Give me ten bucks, and I'll take it off your hands.
(Close shot of Kevin looking toward the man off-screen as he laughs.)
KEVIN: Get oughta here...
(Shot past Kevin of the man as Kevin turns to the trashcan again.)
KEVIN: Jeez...
(The man carries a container away.)
It was unbelievable. I was gonna spend the rest of my life as a laughing-stock, a loser.
(Kevin turns and steps in front of Alice who is approaching with her tray. They pause, and Alice steps past him to the trashcan.)
Unless I did something - and soon.
(Kevin steps toward her as she cleans her tray.)
KEVIN: Listen. Alice...
ALICE: What?
(They face each other.)
KEVIN: About the car.
(Shot past Kevin of Alice smiling at him slightly.)
ALICE: Yes?
Maybe it was a mistake...
(Shot past Alice of Kevin looking at her.)
But, desperate times require desperate measures.
KEVIN: I changed my mind.
(Shot past Kevin of Alice looking at him and hesitating.)
ALICE: OK! (Smiles.) Great!
(Shot past Alice of Kevin looking at her.)
KEVIN: So...I'll see ya after school?
ALICE: Sure!
(Shot past Kevin of Alice smiling at him as she exits.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking after her off-screen.)
And with that, my problems were solved.
(Kevin smiles as he glance off, then looks the other direction.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspetive of Chuck sitting at a table, looking off glumly.)
Or maybe...
(Chuck looks down and frowns.)
They were just beginning.
(Shot of Kevin looking toward Chuck off-screen. Twang of Snuffy's guitar as the camera approaches Kevin.)
Fade to
Int. Day - "Pistol Pete's" Used-car Corral
(Shot of a TV on a table, with a commercial for Pistol Pete. Banjo music plays in the commercial.)
PISTOL PETE (On TV): So come on down to Pedermier's autoland, pardner. For the straight-shootinest, best darn deals in town. Yee-hah!
(Pete raises two pistols and fires one, which clicks, then the other, which shoots.)
(Shot past the TV of Kevin, Pete, and Alice looking toward it. Alice turns toward the guys.)
ALICE: That was a great one, Daddy! Wasn't it, Kevin?
KEVIN: Uh, yeah, sure, it's...great.
And so, that afternoon...
(Close shot of Kevin looking toward Pete off-screen.)
I found myself in the thick of it.
KEVIN: So, uh, Mr. Pedermeir...about that car...(Nods.)
(Close shot past Kevin of Pete as he turns and faces Kevin off-screen.)
PISTOL PETE: Please, son - call me Pete! (Smiles.) Helluva guy here, Alice. You know, that other fellow made me nervous, all that...
(Pete imitates Chuck.)
PISTOL PETE: Twitching and turning around...(Smiles.)
(Shot past Pete of Kevin smiling.)
PISTOL PETE: Well, come on, son!
(Close shot past Kevin of Pete as he adjust his jacket slightly.)
PISTOL PETE: Let's take a look at that car.
(Shot past Pete of Kevin as Pete exits.)
ALICE (V/O): Let's go, Kevin!
(Alice crosses in front of Kevin, who smiles slightly.)
The more I told myself I was doing the right thing...
(Kevin looks after them off-screen.)
The more I knew I wasn't.
Cut to
Ext. Day - Pistol Pete's Used Car Corral
(Shot of Pete approaching the camera, pointing.)
PISTOL PETE: She's right over here.
(Pete passes the camera, which pans slightly to Kevin and Alice who are following him.)
After all, this was Chuck's girl.
(The camera pulls past Pete, who has stopped, and Kevin and Alice stop next to him.)
KEVIN: Alice, are you sure we should be doing this?
ALICE: What are you talking about?
KEVIN: Well, you see -
(Pete looks past the camera and points.)
PISTOL PETE: There she is...
(Kevin looks toward the car.)
(Shot of a red sports-car (Sprite?). Light glints off the hubcaps and steering wheel.)
ANNOUNCER (V/O): "Gentlemen, start your engines".
(Shot of Kevin and Alice looking toward the car off-screen.)
PISTOL PETE (V/O): Four-on-the-floor, fifty-five big horses...
(Close shot of Pete looking toward the car off-screen.)
PISTOL PETE: Zero-to-sixty in one city block.
(Shot of Kevin and Alice as she grabs Kevin's arm.)
ALICE: Isn't she beautiful? (Smiles.)
(Kevin looks toward Alice.)
Yep, I wanted to say something about Chuck...
(The camera pans slightly toward Kevin as he looks back to the car off-screen. The camera moves in slightly.)
But all I said was...
KEVIN: I love it!
(Sound of a falling bomb.)
(Shot of Kevin settling into the driver's seat.)
And ten minutes later, I was in the driver's seat.
(Shot past the car of Pete standing on the far side.)
PISTOL PETE: She's really something, isn't she? (Nods.)
(Shot of Kevin looking toward Pete off-screen.)
KEVIN: She sure is. (Smiles.)
(Shot of Pete looking toward Kevin off-screen.)
PISTOL PETE: Why don't you take it out for a test-spin? Get the feel of it.
(Shot of Kevin smiling toward Pete off-screen, then looking at the dash and fiddling with knobs.)
I could imagine going for a spin with Winnie. The wind in her hair...just the two of us.
(Shot of Pete smiling at Kevin off-screen as Alice steps next to him and smiles at Kevin off-screen.)
ALICE: Well, let's go!
(Shot of Kevin frowning toward them off-screen.)
Or, the three of us.
KEVIN: Oh.
(Kevin looks forward, then toward Pete and Alice off-screen.)
KEVIN: Well, uh...
(He looks forward again.)
KEVIN: Ya know, I thought, maybe...(gestures.)
(He looks toward Pete and Alice off-screen.)
KEVIN: I could, maybe, take it out. (Frowns.) By myself...
(Shot of Alice and Pete looking at Kevin off-screen.)
KEVIN (V/O): You know...just to, uh, get a feel for it.
(Alice and Pete's smile fade.)
ALICE: Oh.
PETE: Oh.
There should have been a law against faces that sad.
(Shot of Kevin looking toward them off-screen.)
KEVIN: Or, you know, we could...(gestures)...both...(smiles)...take it for a spin or something.
(Shot of Alice and Pete looking at Kevin off-screen.)
ALICE; Great! (Smiles.)
PETE: Great! (Smiles.)
(Pete puts his arm around Alice.)
Cut to
Ext. Evening - The Road
(Wide shot of the car approaching up a street.)
And so, we were off. After all, Alice did help me.
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin and Alice.)
ALICE: It really moves, doesn't it?
KEVIN: Yeah. (Smiles.)
We were just two friends. Two friends out for a ride.
(Alice looks toward Kevin.)
ALICE: You're really a good driver!
(Kevin looks toward Alice, then forward.)
KEVIN: Thanks. (Smiles.)
Friends enjoying each other's company.
(Alice looks toward Kevin's hand on the steering wheel, then reaches for it.)
(Close shot of Kevin as Alice puts her hand on his. Kevin looks at her hand.)
Maybe a little too much.
(Close shot of Alice smiling at Kevin off-screen.)
(Close shot of Kevin and Alice' hand on his. Kevin shakes her hand away.)
KEVIN: Well, uh, you know...
(Kevin points to his watch.)
KEVIN: It's-it's time we better head back.
(Close shot of Alice looking off.)
ALICE: Why?
(Alice looks at Kevin off-screen.)
ALICE: It's still early...
(Close shot of Kevin looking forward.)
KEVIN: But...
ALICE (V/O): Come on...
(Close shot of alice looking forward, smiling.)
ALICE: This is fun!
(Alice looks at Kevin of-screen.)
OK...
(Close shot of Kevin glancing at Alice off-screen.)
Maybe I was just imagining things...but it seemed clear it was time...
(Shot from the street as Kevin slows the car to a stop in front of the camera.)
For a little talk. Maybe I'd ease into it with some friendly banter.
(Shot past Alice of Kevin smiling at her.)
KEVIN: This car's really somethin'.
(Shot past Kevin of Alice looking at Kevin.)
(Shot past Alice of Kevin looking at her.)
But it took two to banter.
(Shot past Kevin of Alice looking at him as he looks forward, then toward her.)
ALICE: You're really something.
(Shot past Alice of Kevin looking at her.)
Oh, God - it was worse than I thought.
(Kevin smiles and nods slightly in embarrassment, then looks forward.)
KEVIN: Well...
(Kevin looks at Alice.)
KEVIN: Lots of people are really somethin'. (Nods.) I mean, you're really somethin'...
(Shot past Kevin of Alice smiling at him.)
(Close shot of Kevin nodding and looking off.)
KEVIN: And, Chuck, well...
(Kevin looks off and smiles.)
KEVIN: Chuck...
(Kevin looks at Alice off-scren and gestures.
KEVIN: He's really somethin'.
(Close shot of Alice looking at Kevin off-screen.)
ALICE: Chuck's a twerp!
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Alice off-screen.)
And then I heard the twenty-four words I dreaded most.
(Shot past Kevin of Alice looking at him and hesitating.)
ALICE: Kevin? Maybe I shouldn't be saying this...
(Shot past Alice of Kevin frowning and nodding slightly at her.)
That was seven of them.
(Shot past Kevin of Alice looking at him.)
ALICE: I mean, it's kind of hard to admit...
(Shot of both looking at each other as a car pulls up behind them.)
And that was eight more.
ALICE: But I have always had a crush on you.
And that made...
(Shot past Alice of Kevin looking at her.)
The dreaded twenty-four.
(Sound of the car spluttering and dying.)
KEVIN: Alice...(Frowns.)
ALICE: It was from the first time I saw you.
(Shot past Kevin of Alice looking at him.)
ALICE: Remember you opened the boy's room door, and I accidentally bumped into it? And you went on and on about how sorry you were?
(Shot past Alice of Kevin looking at her.)
I didn't have a clue.
KEVIN: Course I remember. (Smiles)
(Shot past Kevin of Alice smiling at him.)
KEVIN: But it's just...
(Shot past Alice of Kevin looking at her.)
KEVIN: The way things are now. (Frowns.) I mean, there's Winnie, and -
(Kevin glances off.)
ALICE: Kevin?
(Kevin looks at her.)
(Shot past Kevin of Alice looking at him.)
ALICE: When you're in love...
(She shakes her head slightly.)
ALICE: You can't let anything stand in your way.
(Shot past Alice of Kevin looking at her.)
There comes a time when you have to be honest.
(Shot past Kevin of Alice looking at him.)
When you have to lay it all on the line...
(Shot past Alice of Kevin looking at her.)
No matter how much it hurts.
KEVIN: Listen. Alice...I like you. (Nods.) A lot!
(He shakes his head and frowns.)
KEVIN: But -
(Wider shot past Kevin of Alice.)
ALICE: Oh, Kevin!
(Alice leans over and hugs Kevin around the neck.)
(Shot past Alice of Kevin frowning and putting his hand on her back.)
ALICE: I'm so happy! I thought you felt that way!
(Shot past Kevin of Alice as Kevin turnss toward the camera.)
It was about as bad as things could get.
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Chuck in the car next to him, looking forward as he idly taps the seat back.)
And then it got worse.
(Chuck glances toward Kevin off-screen.)
(Shot of Kevin and Alice as he looks toward Chuck off-screen.)
ALICE: You mean everything to me!
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Chuck looking at him in mild surprise.)
(Shot of Kevin and Alice as he looks toward Chuck off-screen.)
KEVIN: Oh, my God!
(Kevin pushes Alice away, then turns toward Chuck off-screen.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Chuck looking at him in mild surprise.)
(Close shot of Kevin, and Alice behind him, as he looks toward Chuck off-screen and waves his arms dramatically.)
KEVIN: Chuck! She doesn't mean anything to me, Chuck!
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Chuck frowning at him.)
KEVIN (V/O) Believe me, Chuck.
(Close shot of Kevin, and Alice behind him, as he looks toward Chuck off-screen and wave his arms dramatically.)
KEVIN: Nothing!
(Alice turns forward.)
ALICE: Ohhh!
(She and starts to cry.)
KEVIN: Nothing.
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Chuck frowning then looking forward.)
KEVIN (V/O): She - she doesn't mean anything to me, Chuck!
(Shot of Alice and Kevin, and Chuck's car as Chuck speeds away.)
KEVIN: Nothing! She - Chuck?! Nothing..
(Close shot through the windshield of Kevin looking after Chuck off-screen as Alice continues to cry.)
KEVIN: Chuck!
(Close shot of Alice looking down and crying.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking after Chuck off-screen.)
At that moment, my only thought was to get out of there, fast.
(Kevin tries to start the car. Sound of the starter turning. The camera pulls back slightly)
Unfortunately, the car wouldn't cooperate.
(Kevin glances around as a car honks. He looks toward Alice off-screen.)
KEVIN: What's wrong with this thing, anyway?
ALICE (V/O): It's the alternator.
(The camera continues to pull back slowly to include Alice as Kevin frowns, trying to start the car.)
And there it was. An evening full of broken friendships...
(Cars honk.)
Broken cars...
(Kevin's car backfires.)
And broken hearts.
(Kevin looks at Alice as more cars honk.)
Cut to
Ext. Night - Pistol Pete's Used Car Corral
(Shot from across the street of a tow-truck returning the car to "Pete's".)
I don't know what hurt more - finding out my new car was a lemon...
(The tow truck turns into the driveway. Pete stands near Kevin's car and removes a sign from it.)
Or that I was.
Cut to
Int. Day - School Hallway
(Shot of Kevin approaching up a crowded hallway.)
And that next day, no matter how much I tried to avoid it...
(Kevin pauses and looks past the camera.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Chuck opening his locker.)
I was gonna have to face the music.
(Shot of Kevin looking at Chuck off-screen.)
An angry suitor. A jilted lover. A friend betrayed.
KEVIN: Uh...Chuck?
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Chuck looking toward him.)
CHUCK: Hey...Kevo. What do ya say?
(Chuck resumes opening his locker.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Chuck off-screen.)
KEVIN: Uh...
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Chuck looking toward him.)
CHUCK: Great day, huh?
(Chuck sticks some books in his locker.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking off, then at Chuck off-screen and gesturing.)
KEVIN: Yeah! (Smiles.)
Amazing!
(Kevin approaches slowly.)
For a man who had been practically suicidal...
(Shot past Kevin as he approaches Chuck putting books into his locker.)
This guy was looking decidedly chipper.
KEVIN: Listen, Chuck, uh...
(Chuck looks at him and nods.)
(Shot past Chuck of Kevin looking at him.)
KEVIN About last night.
(Shot past Kevin of Chuck shrugging and frowning at him.)
CHUCK: Ah. Don't worry about it!
(Chuck shoves more books into his locker.)
(Shot past Chuck of Kevin looking at him.)
(Shot past Kevin of Chuck looking at him.)
CHUCK: I mean...(smiles)...I understand.
(Chuck shoves a book into his locker.)
(Shot past Chuck of Kevin looking at him.)
KEVIN: You do? (Smiles.)
(Shot past Kevin of Chuck looking at him.)
CHUCK: Yeah. (Smiles.) Alice told me the whole story.
(Chuck frowns as he shoves another book into his locker.)
(Shot past Chuck of Kevin smiling at him.)
KEVIN: She did? (Gestures.)
CHUCK: Yeah.
(Shot past Kevin of Chuck looking at him.)
CHUCK: She told me...
(Chuck has trouble jamming his notebook in his locker. He looks at Kevin.)
CHUCK: How, uh...
(Chuck jerks his notebook free - "zwack!".)
CHUCK: You told her that...
(Chuck holds a book in front of him.)
CHUCK: You had this crush on her for all these years...(Smiles.) And that, you know, you were just using your car...
(Close shot of Kevin frowning at Chuck off-screen.)
CHUCK (V/O): To get closer and everything.
(Shot past Kevin of Chuck looking at him.)
CHUCK: I mean, actually, it's kind of pathetic.
(Chuck gestures with a book.)
CHUCK: Because, you know, all you had to do was tell me how you felt, but no...(blinks)...you had to go behind my back instead.
(Chuck stuffs two books in his locker.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Chuck off-screen blankly.)
(Shot past Kevin of Chuck forcefully tossing down two books, then looking at Kevin.)
CHUCK: Not that I blame you.
(Chuck starts to close his locker, and rests on the door.)
CHUCK: I mean really...who could resist a girl like Alice? (Smiles.) Right? (Nods.)
(Shot past Chuck of Kevin looking at him and glancing off.)
And that's when I realized...when it comes to love...
(Kevin smiles slightly.)
There is no truth.
KEVIN: Exactly...
(Kevin looks toward Chuck's locker as Chuck slams it closed.)
(Shot past Kevin of Chuck as Alice pauses behind him.)
ALICE: Chuck?
(He looks over her shoulder as she approaches timidly.)
ALICE: Hi, Pooky! (Smiles.)
(She holds Chuck's arm as Chuck looks at Kevin.)
CHUCK: Hey...(Smiles.)
(Chuck gives Alice a kiss on the cheek, then looks at Kevin and winks and smiles.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Chuck and Alice off-screen and smiling.)
KEVIN: So, uh, I guess everything's...OK now, right?
(Shot past Kevin of Chuck and Alice.)
CHUCK: Yeah. (Nods.)
(Chuck motions Alice to step back. Alice steps backwards out of the shot. Chuck looks at Kevin.)
CHUCK: Except for, uh, one thing.
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Chuck off-screen.)
The weird thing was, I actually thought he was going to thank me...
(Shot past Kevin of Chuck looking at him and nodding.)
For bringing them back together.
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Chuck, then Alice off-screen.)
(Shot past Kevin of Chuck winding up and punching Kevin. Kevin falls backwards past the camera.)
(Shot of Kevin lying on the floor, holding his nose.)
ALICE (V/O): Are you OK, Pooky?
CHUCK (V/O): I'm fine, sweet-potatuh.
(Shot of Chuck and Alice looking at Kevin off-screen.)
ALICE: Bye, Kev!
(Chuck waggles his fingers and smiles at Kevin off-screen, and he and Alice walk away with his arm around her.)
CHUCK: You want to go out tonight?
ALICE: Yeah, sure!
(Shot of Kevin lying on the floor with a bloody nose, frowning at them off-screen.)
Cut to
Int. Evening - A Party
(Shot through some dancing couples of Chuck and Alice dancing slowly to "Slow Dancin'". The camera moves in on them slowly.)
I never did get that car. I got my old one back from "Pistol Pete". But I guess I did learn a few things from this mess. When it comes to couples, mind your own business.
(They kiss.)
When it comes to women, you'll never understand them.
Cut to
Ext. Night
(Shot of Kevin and Winnie looking at the motor of Kevin's car as he fans some steam away.)
And, when it comes to cars...
(Winnie frowns as a car passes by them.)
KEVIN: Right...
(Kevin looks at Winnie and smiles.)
KEVIN: I'll have this fixed in a minute.
WINNIE: Sure.
(She nods and smiles. Kevin looks toward the motor, and Winnie frowns.)
Always bring a wrench.
(The camera pulls back slowly as Kevin frowns and jiggles something on the motor.)
(Another car passes them and honks, and the guys in it yell.)
WINNIE: I guess we're gonna miss the party.
(Another car passes them with waving passengers.)
BOY: Hey, Arnold - get a horse!
Fade to
CLOSING CREDITS
Supporting Cast
Chuck - Andrew Mark Berman
Alice - Lindsay Sloane
Pistol Pete - Victor Raider-Wexler
Music
"Let's Stay Together" - Al Green
"Swayin' To The Music" - Johnny Rivers
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Titles/Transcripts
Episode Info
Wonder Years Menu
01/22/00 20:10