My Favorite Quotes...and writing.
Note: Not all are humorous. More quotes are in the "Clips"
That's When It Hit Me
(Ep 24 - "Summer Song")
(Kevin has returned a hat to a girl on the beach.)
TERI: Hey! I'm Teri, with an "RI".
KEVIN: That's pretty.
TERI: How old are you?
"How old am I?" Well, uh, gee. Lemme see here.
KEVIN: Uh, fourteen.
Forgive me!
KEVIN: How old are you?
TERI: Guess.
Uh-oh. I'd heard about these feminine traps before. There was no right way to answer this one.
KEVIN: Well, you're...too pretty to be fourteen.
(Teri smiles.)
Then again...
TERI: I'm fifteen.
KEVIN: I was gonna guess fifteen.
(She brushes Kevin's leg with the back of her hand.)
TERI: Sure you were.
My god, she touched my leg! Was that an accident?
*
When you're thirteen, it's a long way to Albuquerque.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 25 - "Math Class")
We'd never seen anything like him. He was a math machine - all math, all the time. He even had the chalk marks to prove it.
*
KEVIN: Um...I have a question about my quiz.
MR. COLLINS: Yes?
KEVIN: About the grade...(Nods.)
(Mr. Collins looks at Kevin, slightly puzzled.)
KEVIN: Well, it's a "D". (Smiles.)
MR. COLLINS: Yes, it is.
OK...we'd made a start.
KEVIN: Well, I...think it might be wrong. (Smiles.)
MR. COLLINS: Well, let's take a look.
(Mr. Collins puts on his glasses, rests his forehead against his hand and studies the quiz.)
MR. COLLINS: You're right...
(Kevin smiles.)
There - that wasn't so hard.
MR. COLLINS: Number five should be...minus one-half...that's half off...this is a "D minus". Thank you for calling that to my attention.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 26 - "Wayne On Wheels")
(Wayne swerves to avoid a car stopped in the road, and goes into a cornfield.)
At that moment, all I could think of was that great big house with the great big yard I'd never see again.
KEVIN: Wayne! You're crazy, you know that!? You could have got us killed!
WAYNE: Are you OK?
It was the first time he had asked me that question in thirteen years.
KEVIN: Yeah, I think so.
*
That night, the gap between thirteen and sixteen got a little smaller. As for Wayne and me, we didn't have to be friends or anything - but we'd always be brothers.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 27 - "Mom Wars")
(Norma doesn't want Kevin to play tackle football.)
I was left with only one option - call in the heavy artillery.
(Jack enters the kitchen.)
KEVIN: Dad, we gotta talk!
JACK: Huh?
No one had actually ever spoken to my father before he put down his briefcase. But I was going for broke.
KEVIN: Can you think of one good reason why I shouldn't be able to play football with the other guys? I mean, I bet you played football without any equipment when you were a little kid and I've been playing for a very long time now, and nothing's ever really happened, and the guys are really counting me to play tonight.
JACK: So...
KEVIN: So, can we play or not?!
JACK: Sure, go ahead.
Touchdown!
NORMA: I don't think it's a good idea, Jack.
JACK: You heard your mother.
OK. That did it!
NORMA: So...I'll pick you up from school tomorrow, and we'll go for those shoes.
The lines were drawn. The course was unalterable.
NORMA: OK, honey?
This was war.
*
(Kevin got mad at Norma for "babying" him, then injured his hand during a game. Now, Kevin takes care of his hand as Norma washes dishes.)
Every war has its casualties, and every victory its price. But life goes on. Nothing really changed that night - nothing big, anyway. Just a very little piece of something that was never gonna be the same - not ever. The thing is, it's hard to tie a bandage with just one hand. Sooner or later, though, you learn.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 28 - "On the Spot")
(Kevin is watching Winnie audition for a play.)
You had to admire her guts.
MR. WEBER: Thank you, Gwendolyn.
I just hoped she wouldn't take it too hard when she didn't get the part.
(Cut to hallway.)
WINNIE: I got the part! (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Ya, well, uh...I figured you would...
WINNIE: Isn't it amazing?! (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Yeah...(Frowns.) Uh, I mean uh - no!
(Winnie smiles.)
WINNIE: I have to go. (Smiles.) I have to call my mom at home, and my dad in Chicago! (Frowns.) What time is it in Chigaco?
(Winnie smiles and trots off.)
Well, it was good to see her smiling.
(Paul approaches around the corner slowly, looking downcast.)
But there's a broken heart for every light on Broadway.
PAUL: Struck out.
KEVIN: You didn't get a part?
PAUL: Not even the belligerent man. "Is there no one in town aware of social injustice, and industrial inequality?"
KEVIN: Huh?
PAUL: That's the belligerent man's line - I couldn't get it. Now we'll never know if there is a part of me I didn't know I had.
KEVIN: I'll tell ya what. Why don't you work the spotlight with me.
PAUL: Spotlight? (Frowns.)
KEVIN: Yeah. Why not? You know, Mr. Weber said that lighting's like another character.
PAUL: He said that?
KEVIN: And besides, we get out of seventh period.
PAUL: A major character? (Smiles excitedly.)
Uh-oh. I knew that look. The look of a man possessed.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 29 - "Odd Man Out")
(Kevin and Paul are "negotiating" baseball cards.)
KEVIN: Paul, just bend a little on this one, huh? (Nods.)
PAUL: How about you bend a little? (Frowns.)
But the fact was...that day, I was tired of bending. I was tired of the endless effort spent hammering out compromise.
KEVIN: What's the matter with you, anyway? (Frowns.)
PAUL: Nothing's wrong with me - what's the matter with you?
KEVIN: Sometimes you're so weird.
PAUL: I heard that! (Frowns.)
KEVIN: What?
PAUL: You called me a weirdo!
KEVIN: Alright - fine! (Gestures.) I called you a weirdo! Satisfied?! (Frowns.)
PAUL: I'm a weirdo...I'm a weirdo?! Hey...I'm not the one that has cartoon figures on my pillow case!
What was this? A slanderous personal attack?
KEVIN: What did you say? (Frowns.)
PAUL: I said...at least I don't have cartoon figures...on my pillow case!
KEVIN: Yeah? Well, at least I...(gestures)...don't have stuffed animals on my bed!
PAUL: Oh, yeah? Well, at least I don't have the hots for Winnie Cooper!
OK. That did it.
KEVIN: That's...a lie. (Frowns.)
PAUL: Look me in the eye, and say it's a lie.
I looked him in the eye, alright. But all I saw was a knee-jiggling, spaghetti-slurping, gum-cracking twerp. Course, I'd never say so.
KEVIN: Well, at least I'm not an ugly four-eyed jerk that nobody likes!
(Paul looks at Kevin a moment, throws his cards down, then turns away.)
PAUL: Total butthead! (Exits.)
(Kevin looks after him.)
KEVIN: Loser!
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 30 - "The Family Car")
HOBSON: Say, Arnold, wasn't that your car I saw stallin' out in front of school today?
KEVIN: Why?
HOBSON: It's just it sounded like a Sherman tank.
PAUL: Hey, his dad keeps it running!
HOBSON: His dad keeps it runnin', right into the ground. Hey, when's you dad gonna pop for something made in this century?
*
(Jack has not been able to sell the car.)
JACK: Don't worry. (Gestures) We'll find a buyer.
Maybe. But suddenly, I was starting to get a bad feeling. A very bad feeling. Suddenly it was crystal-clear. I was gonna inherit that car. My children were gonna inherit it. The Arnold family heirloom.
(Karen steps next to Kevin and looks out.)
KAREN: He's never gonna sell it.
And the worst thing was...I didn't understand why.
*
(At dinner.)
But now this awful feeling was growing in me. Maybe Craig Hobson had been right. Maybe the problem really was -
KAREN: I swear, Dad...Why are you so cheap? (Frowns.)
NORMA: Karen! (Frowns.)
KAREN: Well, Mom, I really think it's about time!
NORMA: Don't you ever talk like that in this house again!
This was it. It was pretty obvious from Dad's expression what was gonna happen. Someone...would have to die.
(Jack stands up and heads toward the door.)
NORMA: Where are you going, Jack?
(Jack pauses at the door and looks down at Karen.)
JACK: For a drive.
(Jack opens the door and exits.)
I'm not really sure where Dad was planning to drive to. Maybe just around the block. Maybe for ice-cream. Or maybe...he didn't know himself.
(Sound of the car being started.)
In any event...
(Sound of the car spluttering and dying.)
He didn't get far.
(Cut to the driveway. Norma slowly approaches Jack, who has the car hood raised. Kevin approaches in the distance and stops at the corner of the house.)
JACK: Probably just a gasket.
NORMA: Jack.
JACK: They have 'em down at the service station. I'll pick one up in the morning.
NORMA: Jack...I know how much you put into this car. We all know. All the hard work...it's worth ten times what you're asking. But Jack...(nods)...we don't need this car anymore.
JACK: The boys can help me push it into the garage so I'll have a little more light. (Nods.)
NORMA: You've held it together longer than anyone could have expected, honey. No one could have done more. Now it's time to move on.
JACK: Think so?
NORMA: Just let it go. (Nods)
JACK: Alright. Alright...
(Fade to day in the driveway. Kevin, Karen, Norma and Wayne are on the curb.)
WAYNE: He's coming!
(Shot of Jack driving a new green car as he honks and turns into the driveway.)
And so, we finally got our new car. It wasn't red, it wasn't a convertible...heck, it wasn't even a Mustang. But it was brand-new. And it was pretty cool. Course...Dad got his shot at king-for-a-day...and we were happy for him.
(They all watch a tow-truck lift the rear of the old car. Jack turns to Kevin and smiles.)
KEVIN: Where'll they take it, Dad?
JACK: I don't know...probably sell it for scrap.
But that afternoon, I began to understand what Dad had being going through. There was more to that old car than fuel pumps and crankshafts. There was part of all of us in that car. The places we'd gone, the things we'd done...the family we had been. The family that was moving on. And for the first time...I understood the value of what my Dad had put into it. And why it was so hard to let it go.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 31 - "The Pimple")
(In the kitchen.)
Mom could spot dirty fingernails at the table from thirty yards away. If I could get past her...
NORMA: Oooh - looks like you got a little pimple, there. (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Mom...(Frowns.)
NORMA: Come on - you can barely notice it.
KEVIN: Really?
NORMA: Now, don't be so self-conscious.
I was thirteen years old - being self-conscious was a full-time job.
(Wayne enters.)
Uh-oh...
WAYNE: What's with you?
KEVIN: Nothing.
I couldn't believe it - Wayne missed it. I was in the clear.
(Karen enters.)
KAREN: Whoa - check out the zit.
(Wayne turns.)
WAYNE: A zit? Well...let's have a look-see, shall we?
As usual, I could count on my family to treat my private adolescent pain with compassion.
WAYNE: Looks pretty deep, Kev. We might have to...(gestures)... operate. (Laughs.)
KAREN: It's from all that junk food you eat. You should stick to organics.
Compassion. Sensitivity. And out-right snickering.
(Karen and Wayne smile at each other, and Norma glances at Kevin and smiles.)
My only hope was my friends would be more forgiving.
(Cut to the bus-stop.)
PAUL: Ick...
KEVIN: Paul...
PAUL: Have you been eating fried food?
KEVIN: Paul...
PAUL: Chocolate?
KEVIN: Paul...
PAUL: I know...
KEVIN: What?
PAUL: Stress. Have you been experiencing any stress lately?
Yeah - since the start of this conversation.
KEVIN: Can we just forget about it?
PAUL: Yeah, sure - don't worry about it. I mean it's no big deal...
KEVIN: Exactly. So can we just forget -
PAUL: Oh my God...
KEVIN: What?
PAUL: Isn't that girl coming this week?
Ladies and gentlemen - my best friend.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 32 - "Math Class Squared")
(Kevin is hinting to Mr. Collins there is a cheating ring in class.)
MR. COLLINS: Every problem...contains its own solution, Mr. Arnold.
What was this guy saying? It was like talking to a fortune cookie! - while my grade was sinking like a -
MR. COLLINS: Is there anything else?
KEVIN: No.
And that's when I realized I had been wrong about the man. This was no hero. This was just a middle-aged man in a bad suit, teaching junior high algebra.
*
(Kevin has been cheating with the others.)
MR. COLLINS: I've just been looking at your grades.
KEVIN: Yessir...
MR. COLLINS: You shot up...from a 72, two weeks ago, to an 85, to an 87, to a 92, and today, a 96. Now, wouldn't you say that was pretty remarkable?
KEVIN: Well...I guess so...
MR. COLLINS: I've been thinking about what to do about it.
In a way...it was a relief. I guess on some level I just wanted the whole thing to be over.
MR. COLLINS: I'd like to put you...in my honors math class.
KEVIN: Ex-excuse me?
MR. COLLINS: We'd have to juggle your schedule...but I think we could manage that. It's a very demanding class, but uh, based on your work in here - I think you're ready for it. What do you think?
KEVIN: Sounds like fun...(Frowns.)
MR. COLLINS: Good. You can start tomorrow.
Well, there you had it. I was up the proverbial creek without a slide-rule.
*
Submitted for your approval - a boy...suffering the tortures of algebra. He went looking for easy answers, but somehow it didn't add up. Let "X" equal an unknown quantity. Let "Y" go left unanswered. If six bald men...get on a train...going a hundred miles per hour - how many stops before they reach - The Twilight Zone?
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 33 - "Rock 'n Roll")
Of course I was only eight years old at the time, but in those flickering images, I sensed a new era had been born, a seed had been planted, a dream that would someday lead me from John, Paul, George and Ringo, to - that guy.
LARRY: Hey, what's happenin'?
KEVIN: Nothin' much.
Sure, he was weird, but he was also kinda...interesting.
*
(Kevin has joined Larry's band. They don't sound too good, but are scheduled for a gig at Amy Ermin's birthday party.)
And then it all came clear. Paul had been right. There was potential for real disaster, here.
KEVIN: Look, Larry - I'm not going to go out there and make a complete fool out of myself! (Frowns.)
LARRY: It's up to you, man. (Gestures.) We're gonna be there. (Nods.) You're either with us...(frowns)...or you're out.
What could I say? I wanted to be with them...I wanted to take the chance and throw caution to the winds...I wanted to rock and roll! But the fact is...I didn't have the guts.
KEVIN: Sorry, guys. You can count me out. (Frowns.)
And so I quit the Electric Shoes.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 34 - "Don't You Know Anything About Women?")
(Kevin, Paul and Carla are playing "Life".)
In the game of life, there are few certainties.
PAUL: "Car Accident". "Pay five-thousand dollars if not insured." (Smiles.) Cough it up, Carla. Your turn, Kev.
In fact, most things are left to chance.
KEVIN: "Get Married". Gimme a pink one.
CARLA: Who is she, Kevin?
PAUL: Marsha Brady. No, no! Nancy Sinatra. (Nods.)
There's someone for everyone, we're told. But the search for that one person to ride beside you in life is serious business. Especially when you're thirteen.
(Paul and Carla are still giggling.)
KEVIN: Paul? It's your turn.
It's a matter of trial, error...and pure dumb luck.
*
(Kevin is eavedropping on Susan in the cafeteria.)
SUSAN: Donald can be so stuck-up sometimes. I told him so, too.
Good - rumor confirmed. Now all I had to do was have her notice old unstuck-up Kevin Arnold.
SUSAN: Well, I gotta get going, now. See y'all later.
GIRL: Bye.
(Susan exits. Kevin looks over his shoulder, and falls backwards. Kids laugh and applaud. Kevin lies on his back, frowning.)
Or, I could just lie here until school was over, and ask the janitor to let me out.
(Linda approaches Kevin.)
LINDA: Nice move overall, but your back was slightly arched on the dismount. I'll give it a "nine."
KEVIN: The chair broke, OK?
LINDA: They'll do that on ya.
(Kevin frowns and stands up.)
LINDA: I don't think she saw you anyway.
(Kevin dusts off his hands, then frowns and gestures.)
KEVIN: Who?
LINDA: Susan Fisher! (Smiles.)
KEVIN: What makes you think I'd care if Susan Fisher saw me?
LINDA: Oh, I don't know - a wild guess. (Smiles.) Boy, when it comes to women...you don't know anything, do you?
KEVIN: What do you mean by that?
LINDA: I mean you're technique is off. (Nods.) But don't worry - it's correctable. You just need a little advice. (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Hnnh - me? (Gestures.) Are you kidding? Why would I need advice?
LINDA: Sorry - you're right. What was I thinking of? (Frowns.) Seeya, Mr. Smooth. (Gestures.)
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 35 - "The Powers That Be")
JACK: Where ya going?
ALBERT: I'm going to take the boy for some ice cream - come along if you like.
JACK: Kevin, did you walk your dog?
KEVIN: I was gonna walk him when I get back.
JACK: You're gonna walk him now.
KEVIN: But Dad...
ALBERT: Cut the boy some slack, John. It can wait twenty minutes.
JACK: No, Dad, it can't wait twenty minutes. If the dog has gotta go, he isn't gonna wait twenty minutes. You like to wait twenty minutes?
ALBERT: Not for my ice cream.
KEVIN: I guess I better walk the dog, Grampa.
ALBERT: Suit yourself. Seems a shame though - can't even take my grandson for a little treat.
(Kevin walks toward the house.)
JACK: Kev. Kev, wait up! Look, I know it seems I'm being tough...
Tough? Well, not more than say...Ghengis Khan.
JACK: Believe me there's a reason.
OK, I was willing to listen to reason.
JACK: It's just...well...
(Albert drives over the lamp-post.)
JACK: Dammit, Dad!
ALBERT: Why do you put this thing so close to the driveway?
JACK: Why don't you stay on the damn driveway?
ALBERT: Ah...!
KEVIN: Dad?
JACK: What?!
KEVIN: What were you going to say?
JACK: Never mind, you wouldn't understand. It's about fathers and sons.
(Jack walks away.)
KEVIN: Oh.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 36 - "She, My Friend, And I")
PAUL: She dumped me.
KEVIN: Paul!
PAUL: She dumped me!
KEVIN: Paul, snap out of it!
PAUL: She dumped me.
KEVIN: Wanna talk about it?
PAUL: She said she needed more time with her friends. She said I was suffocating her. I thought she wanted to be suffocated!
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 37 - "St. Valentine's Day Massacre")
MISS WHITE: Cyrano...was so afraid of rejection, he wouldn't confess...his true love for Roxanne. He chose to hide behind the written word, afraid to stand face-to-face with her. So many people would rather suffer in silence.
KEVIN: So, what you're saying, is...
MISS WHITE: Speak from the heart, Kevin - and never be afraid.
KEVIN: You think that'll really work?
MISS WHITE: (Nods.) Hnnn...
OK, if she was sure of it, I was sure of it.
KEVIN: Miss White?
MISS WHITE: Mrs. Heimer.
KEVIN: Did it work out for them - Cyrano and Roxanne?
MISS WHITE: (Sighs.) Eventually.
KEVIN: What happened? (Smiles.)
MISS WHITE: He died, and she became a nun.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 38 - "The Treehouse")
JACK: These hinges are going, Norma.
NORMA: Jack...(sighs)...not my good crystal...
JACK: Kevin - get my toolbox from the cellar.
Now this was serious - this was Mom's stemware.
(Kevin starts to turn away. Norma stops him.)
NORMA: Wait.
You could see her reaching back for some way to save the situation. Some way to -
NORMA: I know...why don't you do something with Kevin?
Stab me in the back.
JACK: Huh?
NORMA: You could...go to a movie, or...play catch...
KEVIN: Well, I better get going.
NORMA: No, wait! I've got it. Jack...wouldn't this be the perfect time to build that treehouse that you two have always talked about?
A treehouse?
KEVIN: A treehouse? (Frowns.)
JACK: A treehouse? (Frowns.)
*
(From the treehouse, the guys can view a bosomy neighbor.)
HOBSON: You lucky dog.
PAUL: I don't believe it!
KEVIN: You guys don't understand.
HOBSON: I think we do.
KEVIN: Will you cut it out, Hobson?! I could use a little help here.
HOBSON: You don't need help - you need binoculars.
PAUL: Why?
HOBSON: Pfeiffer, you're hopeless.
KEVIN: Look - all I know is this can't go on. My dad and I are at each others throats!
HOBSON: In that case...there's only one thing to do.
At last - a little counsel!
HOBSON: Let me build that treehouse.
*
(Kevin and Jack are efficiently working on the treehouse, because the neighbor is not in her yard.)
Yep - we were rollin' now. Like a smoothly-oiled machine. And who knew? We might even finish it by tomorrow if our luck held out. And we didn't get another visit from -
(Jack and Kevin enter the kitchen laughing and smiling. Kevin looks toward the off-screen table and is mildly surprised. Jack does the same.)
(Norma and the neighbor are at the table. A bowl holding a dozen large tomatoes is in the foreground.)
NORMA: Look at the size of those tomatoes, Jack!
The singing gardener.
(Jack looks uncomfortable.)
JACK: Yeah...
NORMA: This is Donna. My husband, Jack.
(Donna holds her hand out.)
JACK: Ah, nah, my hands are dirty - I've been working. (Gestures.)
DONNA: That's OK - my hands have been in the dirt all day.
(Jack smiles and shakes her hand.)
NORMA: And that's my youngest - Kevin.
DONNA: Well, hi, Kevin!
(Jack still has a frozen smile, and elbows Kevin.)
KEVIN: Uh...hi.
(Kevin shakes her hand and smiles.)
NORMA: Donna and I met at the supermarket. We started talking in the checkout counter and it turns out Donna lives on Oakdale almost right behind us! (Gestures.)
DONNA: Yeah, just a little over from here!
NORMA: So she told me about her tomatoes...and said she'd bring me some.
DONNA: Uh-huh...
NORMA: And I told the checker...just to put mine back! Didn't I? (Laughs.)
DONNA: Well, then...I guess I just had to bring 'em, huh? (Laughs.)
(Jack forces a laugh. Kevin smiles.)
Well! This was homey! I just sort of stood there, but fortunately, my dad was a little more socially-adept.
(Jack gestures toward Kevin and himself uncomfortably.)
JACK: We, um...(gestures)...break. (Smiles.)
NORMA: What, honey?
(Jack points awkwardly at Kevin.)
JACK: Kevin and me.
So, a little small-talk...
(Jack grins toward Donna. Donna smiles toward Jack.)
The Arnold charm...
(Jack is starting to fidget.)
JACK: Let's go Kev.
(Jack brushes past Kevin.)
DONNA: It was nice to meet you!
(Kevin smiles broadly as he backs up.)
And we were out the door.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 39 - "Glee Club")
The halls of RFK junior high often echoed with the sounds of music. The Kennedy Chorale. The Kennedy Madrigals. And of course, the Kennedy Now-Tones. They were all part of a long-standing family of song. But, as with every family, there was a skeleton in the closet. The boys' eigth-grade glee club. The singing group from hell.
(Mr. Frace frowns and glances off.)
MR. FRACE: Oh, boy...
Twice a week, we transformed Mr. Frace's choir-room into kind of a chamber of musical horrors.
MR. FRACE: Oh, my gosh.
Randy Mitchell - baritone. Doug Porter - monotone. Paul Pfeiffer - no tone at all. And of course...me. Not that we didn't have heart. It's just that the thirteen-year-old-male voice isn't exactly designed for...well...for singing.
(Mr. Frace frowns and sighs, then shakes his finger toward the kids and stands up.)
MR. FRACE: Hold that note. Hold that note.
We weren't the stuff tabernacle choirs are made of. So, out of a mutual respect for the arts...
(From a nearby window, a woman math teacher frowns toward the singing class.)
And humanity...we'd reached an agreement.
(Mr. Frace snaps the blinds closed.)
We wouldn't push Mr. Frace...if he wouldn't push us.
MR. FRACE: Awright, awright - that's enough! Just, uh...(gestures)...get out your books and study. (Nods.)
All in all...a pretty equitable arrangement.
PAUL: It isn't fair. Every other group gets to sing some songs and stuff - why can't we? (Frowns.)
KEVIN: Well, maybe because we...(big smile)...stink!
*
But as I look back on that night...it isn't the anticipation I remember best. And it isn't the faces in the audience. What I remember best is that Warren Gander's voice chose exactly that moment...
WARREN: Awwwkk.
To change.
WARREN: AhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhAwwwkk.
It was...cruel. Before our very eyes, Warren had transformed from lyric tenor...to...
WARREN: Awwwkk.
Well...a bullfrog. So the rest of us did the only thing we could. We panicked.
MISS HAYCOCK (Whispered): Keep going! (Gestures.) Keep going!
GUYS (Singing): Men, men, men, men...
But the die was cast. Paul sneezed. Which was too much for Doug. Somebody laughed, and I dropped my music.
MISS HAYCOCK (Whispered): Keep going!
It was kind of a chain reaction. I'd like to say we rallied...but...we didn't. It was no one's fault, really. I guess we'd just been pushed beyond our limits. We we're a bunch of eigth-grade boys. Not an ensemble of stout-hearted men. As for Miss Haycock...she'd dreamed of molding us into something we weren't.
(Miss Haycock walks off the stage slightly dazed.)
But that night...she got her wake-up call. The only problem was...she wasn't there to answer it.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 40 - "Night Out")
MR. CANTWELL: The horny toad. A voracious predator. Devouring the innocent...
(Kevin and Winnie look at each other nervously.)
MR. CANTWELL:...the harmless...the defenseless.
PAUL: So..Friday night, huh, guys? It's gonna be great!
Uh-huh. Great!
(Shot of film as an ant gets eaten.)
MR. CANTWELL: Look out, little angel.
KEVIN: You know, Winnie, we really haven't talked about this.
WINNIE: Talked about what?
KEVIN: The party. I mean...do you really want to go?
WINNIE: I said I did. Don't you?
KEVIN: Well...I guess so.
WINNIE: What do you mean - "I guess so"?
KEVIN: Well I mean -
OK, this was getting out of hand. I mean, weren't we on the same side, here?
KEVIN: I just want to do what you want to do.
(Winnie turns accusatorily toward Kevin.)
WINNIE: Then you're saying you don't want to go?
(The horny toad snatches a bug with its long tongue.)
MR. CANTWELL: Oops!
KEVIN: No!
WINNIE: I don't know...(sighs)...Let's just go and get it over with!
"Get it over with"? What did she mean by that?
KEVIN: What are you saying?!
WINNIE: It's just that, everyone expects us to go, so, we should go!
KEVIN: Oh. So...we're going...
WINNIE: If you think we should.
KEVIN: Y'I do. (Gestures.)
WINNIE: Then we should go.
KEVIN: Fine. Then we'll go.
WINNIE: Great!
KEVIN: Great!
So we finally agreed. Ready or not, we were on our way to makeout central.
MR. CANTWELL: Note how the tongue darts like lightning.
(Shot of a chameleon sucking up a bug.)
MR. CANTWELL: Flick!
Yeah! This was gonna be some fun.
*
I guess I knew what was gonna happen - she was gonna tell me she hated me.
WINNIE: You must really hate me!
KEVIN: What?!
WINNIE: For making you go to that party!
KEVIN: Well...
WINNIE: I hated being in there with you.
KEVIN: I know.
WINNIE: It was awful.
KEVIN: Then why'd you go with me?! Look, Winnie, let's just make it easy on ourselves. I mean there's no sense in -
WINNIE: I really hated it.
KEVIN: Winnie, why are you saying this?
Not that I really had to ask - it was all pretty clear now.
WINNIE: Because you're my boyfriend.
Oh!
WINNIE: Who else am I gonna say it to?
Well, there was a certain logic to that.
KEVIN: So I'm your boyfriend. Except...you hated being there with me. Do I have that right?
(Winnie nods. Kevin frowns and gestures.)
KEVIN: And you hated being there with me, because you didn't want to kiss me. Do I have that right?
(Winnie nods again.)
(Kevin sighs and looks away.)
WINNIE: I did want to kiss you.
(She shrugs slightly.)
WINNIE: Just not then.
KEVIN: Well then when?!
(She kisses him.)
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 41 - "Faith")
KEVIN: Dad, have you ever thought about your life?
JACK: Huh?
KEVIN: Uh, well...it's for school. I mean, if you had to write about it, what would you say?
OK, time for a meaningful father-son exchange here. A thoughtful summing up.
JACK: I get up at five in the morning. I fight traffic. I bust my hump all day, I fight traffic again. Then I pay my taxes - "The End ".
*
(The livingroom with Wayne.)
WAYNE: What's that?
KEVIN: Nothing.
Which was true. I'd been staring at that page for an hour-and-a-half without coming up with a single word. Some kind of writer's block, I guess.
WAYNE: An obituary? Well, lemme see, maybe I can help.
KEVIN: Wayne...
WAYNE: Let's see..."Kevin Arnold. Born a butthead. Lived...a butthead's life. Died...a butthead!" Did ya get any of that down?
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 42 - "The Unnatural")
(Kevin has had a series of bad baseball tryouts.)
Coach Baker's final cuts. I didn't even have to look. It was humiliating, it was degrading. I oughtta cross my name off that list.
(Kevin looks at Coach Baker's clipboard. His name is crossed off. Coach Baker is giving instructions to various players.)
COACH: Come on, now - I want to see some hustle!
Except, I didn't have to.
COACH: Hey you!
I'd been cut!
COACH: Katt - move over, and cover that line there. (Gestures.)
It was unbelievable. It was...great! It meant my dad hadn't been pulling strings for me. He'd just been pulling for me.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 43 - "Goodbye")
I felt betrayed. Here I was, practically begging for the man to help...and the man was throwing me an anvil for a life-jacket.
KEVIN: I -
(Mr. Collins turns toward him. Kevin sighs and looks away. He sighs again and looks at Mr. Collins.)
But there was nothing more to say, except for one thing.
KEVIN: I thought you were my friend.
MR. COLLINS: Not your friend, Mr. Arnold. Your teacher.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 44 - "Cocoa and Sympathy")
NORMA: There are going to be a lot of very wonderful girls in your life who would die to get a rose from you. (Nods.)
PAUL: I doubt it.
NORMA: I don't. You're a very special person, Paul.
And I guess there was something in the way she said it that made me understand...
NORMA: I hope you never get contacts...because you don't need them. (Smiles.)
Mom wasn't breaking my heart...she was breaking Paul's. Without breaking it.
PAUL: Well, I guess I better go.
NORMA: I had a great time. Thank you. (Nods.)
PAUL: Me, too. (Nods.) Thanks, Mrs. Arnold. (Exits.)
And in that moment, I began to realize...a lot of things. Maybe my mother didn't go to the concert with Paul because she thought he was special...but because he thought she was special. Special enough to ask more than..."where's my jersey", "what's for dinner", or...
JACK: Who took the TV guide?
NORMA: Oh, try Wayne's room under his pillow...or maybe it's behind Karen's record-player.
JACK: It's supposed to stay on the - (gestures.)
NORMA: I know...
I guess Dad realized it, too.
JACK: So. You had a good time? (Smiles.)
NORMA: Uh-huh. (Nods.)
JACK: Yeah, well...isn't there supposed to be another one of these things?
NORMA: Next month...(Nods.)
JACK: Huh...(nods)...so, uh...(shrugs)...we'll go.
NORMA: OK. (Smiles.)
JACK: OK. (Smiles.)
The night Paul Pfeiffer gave my mom a rose...he gave me something, too. He gave me a new way of seeing her.
KEVIN: I guess Paul's not gonna drink his. Can I have some?
NORMA: I was making it for you.
Paul made my mother feel good. Because he didn't look at her the way we always did. We saw "Mom". And he saw "Norma Arnold". And I think she liked that, for a change.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 45 - "Daddy's Little Girl")
From the moment a father first lays eyes on his daughter, she's forever daddy's little girl. And he's forever her hero. A giver of gifts. A granter of wishes. A knight in shining armor. And in return, she gives to him that love and respect which is special between dads and their girls.
(Cut to the kitchen table.)
KAREN: I can't stand living in this house.
JACK: Well, where the hell were you last night?
KAREN: Look - will you stop giving me the third degree?
Of course, for my sister and my father, that special love and respect took the form of...
JACK: I waited up half the night.
KAREN: You don't have to wait up for me.
Guerrilla warfare.
JACK: I left the damn porchlight on until all hours. Do you have any idea how much that costs?
KAREN: Sorry - take it out of my allowance.
But the week of my sister's birthday, they brought out the heavy artillery.
JACK: Your curfew is eleven. You want to be grounded?
KAREN: I don't believe this - I'm eighteen!
JACK: Not until Sunday, you're not!
During that week, Mom was sort of like the UN, trying to mediate the warring factions.
NORMA: Boysenberry syrup?
And failing miserably.
(Karen looks at Kevin.)
KAREN: Why is he always on my case?
KEVIN: Well, uh...
(Jack looks at Kevin.)
JACK: Why can't she ever listen?
Me? I was kinda like...
KEVIN: Uh...
Switzerland.
Also "Full Transcript"
(Ep 46 - "Moving")
KEVIN: Dad, you can't do this!
JACK: Huh?
KEVIN: I mean, you haven't even asked us what we think about it!
JACK: I gotta ask permission to get the dry-rot fixed?
KEVIN: Then you're not selling the house?
JACK: Of course not!
NORMA: There. I told you!
And suddenly the skies began to clear.
(Norma looks at a business card.)
NORMA: Who is this, anyway, Jack?
JACK: Guy I met across the street.
Suddenly my fears had disappeared. The world was great. We were staying!
JACK: He's gonna be working on Cooper's house after they move out.
KEVIN: Huh?
NORMA: Jack...
JACK: Uh...Sorry...
NORMA: The Cooper's thought it was best if Winnie told you. They're not moving far, honey. Just a few miles.
KEVIN: Oh.
WAYNE: You know what the best part is? The Coopster's going to a different school next year. Across town.
*
Winnie Cooper was leaving. Leaving her home. Leaving her past.
(Winnie starts to walk out of the moving van. Kevin grabs her hand. Winnie looks at Kevin.)
Leaving...
(Kevin looks down at Winnie's hand. She slowly opens her hand and is holding Kevin's ring. She looks at Kevin.)
WINNIE: You.
Also "Full Transcript"
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