My Favorite Quotes...and writing.

Note: Not all are humorous. More quotes are in the "Clips"

Fact!

*********

Bingo!

That's When It Hit Me



(Ep 47 - "Growing Up")

(On the road to the company picnic.)
NORMA: You know, honey, I am really looking forward to this. It's been years since I've seen the old gang.
JACK: Like who?
NORMA: Well, like...Charlie Wilson, from accounting. You think he's gonna be there?
JACK: Retired.
NORMA: What about Al Pinella? He had that lovely wife, Nancy...
JACK: Sacked.
NORMA: Ed Berwitz?
JACK: Dead.
And that about covered the full range of possibilities.
JACK: Detweiler'll be there, though.
KAREN: Harry Detweiler?
Harry Detweiler - the office clown. Big on palm-buzzers and whoopie-cushions. The one Dad had always referred to as -
KEVIN: Mr. Deadwood, huh, Dad? (Smiles.)
*
MR. DETWEILER: Say, you remember my daughter, don't you? - Mimi, over here! (Points.) It's Kevin Ar-nold!
Great. The only thing worse than Detweiler was his kid. Mimi the tomboy, the one we used to call "The Stick".
(Swell of music as Mimi bounces over in slow-motion.)
MIMI: Kevin? Hi.
(Kevin looks surprised.)
KEVIN: Mimi?
(Mimi nods slightly.)
MIMI: Do you like boating?
Did I like boating?
(Sound of a boat horn.)
Admiral Arnold to my close naval associates.
*
I didn't do much the rest of that afternoon. Took a long walk, got stung by a hornet. Did some thinking. I couldn't understand what was happening. To me...to my family.
(Kevin approaches Wayne, sitting by himself glumly.)
KEVIN: Wayne? (Long pause.) Where's Angela?
WAYNE: Shut up, butthead.
Which, I guess, was Wayne's way of saying he'd been dumped.
WAYNE: I can't believe it.
KEVIN: I'm sorry.
WAYNE: Eat it. I don't get it - what did I do?
KEVIN: Well, you -
WAYNE: You shut up, OK?
KEVIN: OK...
WAYNE: Nobody liked her anyway.
The aweful thing was - it was true.
WAYNE: Why do these things always happen to me?
Maybe it was the cry of every kid who'd ever put on long pants. Who'd ever had his heart-broken - who'd ever been disappointed. In any event...
KEVIN: I know what you mean. (Smiles.)
(Wayne frowns at Kevin, then smiles.)
For that one moment, I actually felt...close...to my brother.
(Jack approaches, accompanied by thunder and lightning.)
WAYNE: I'm outta here! (Exits.)
It's funny - the thoughts that go through your head in those moments before death. I remembered Winnie. I wondered - who was gonna feed my fish?
KEVIN: Hi, Dad!
As it turned out though, Dad hadn't come to kill me.
JACK: Guess you heard about Detweiler.
KEVIN: Uh...
JACK: Sorry.
And then I realized - I guess Dad wore long pants, too.
KEVIN: It's OK, Dad.
(Jack touches his bandaged forehead.)
JACK: Was a lucky shot, back there.
KEVIN: Shoulda ducked.
JACK: Yeah...
(Jack sits down, puts his head on his fists, and sighs.)
JACK: Don't ever get old, Kev.
I wasn't sure whether he meant me, or him. I guess we both knew it didn't really matter. We didn't have a choice.
*
Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves...for growing up.

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(Ep 48 - "Ninth-Grade Man")

Once upon a time life was simple. Evolutionarily speaking. Then, things began to change. The competition got tougher. There were winners...and losers. The struggle continued. Then in the fall of 1970, a new creature appeared...the likes of which had never been seen before. Noble, upright, virtuous. Ninth-grade man. Master of all he surveyed.
(In the Pizza Barn.)
PAUL: Patchy dry spots! I'm getting patchy dry spots.
KEVIN: Relax, Paul. You're just having back-to-school jitters. By tomorrow you'll be fine.
PAUL: Sure. Only...what if something goes wrong? What if I wear the wrong clothes? What if I forget...?
KEVIN: Paul!
PAUL: I got to go put on some ointment.
OK, so not everyone shared my sense of well-being. That was understandable. Not everyone had a steady girl like mine. Winnie Cooper. So long as we had each other, we had nothing to fear.
WINNIE: I'm scared.
KEVIN: What?
WINNIE: Well, I am.
KEVIN: Winnie, stop worrying. Everybody's gonna like you.
WINNIE: That's easy for you to say. You're not starting in a new school. All the strange classrooms. The strange people. And you'll be so far away. You won't forget about me, will you?
KEVIN: What?!
WINNIE: Will you think about me?
KEVIN: Of course I'll think about you!
WINNIE: Think about me every hour. On the hour. And I'll think about you.
KEVIN: Winnie...!
WINNIE: Promise? Every hour?
KEVIN: I promise.
Sure. I'd promise her the world. Why not? I was ninth-grade man. And I was ready. For anything.
*
KEVIN: Tony?
PAUL: Barbella?
TONY: Welcome back.
PAUL (To Kevin): I thought he graduated...
TONY: I graduate every year.
*
(Kevin is running laps in street clothes.)
Well, think of it this way. Every cloud has a silver lining. The way this day was going, I was probably better off being alone.
(Kevin hears the sound of running hoofs. Kevin looks over his shoulder and sees a herd of girls, led by Becky, behind him.)
And suddenly I knew what Custer felt like. Great Sitting Bull herself. And she was gaining on me.
(They are running side-by-side.)
Instinctively I knew - this was a challenge, a test - and I was up to it. Sure, it was dumb. But at that moment, all I knew was - I had to win!
(Girls are watching, and cheering for Becky.)
I pulled up even. I pulled ahead. As we rounded that final turn, I felt like I had wings. Sure, maybe I couldn't find a locker. Maybe I was stuck in shop...But I was gonna beat this girl. And I was gonna win this race.
(Kevin crosses the finish line first.)
This was going to be a massacre.
(Theme from "2001" plays throughout as Kevin jumps up and down in victory, with his arms up. Becky frowns at Kevin.)
Heh-heh. No hard feelings, huh "Slates"?
(Kevin walks toward Becky.)
KEVIN: Ughhhhh...
(Becky retracts her fist from Kevin's stomach. Kevin collapses. Becky smiles and walks away.)
*
MADELINE: Kevin?
KEVIN: Madeline?
She'd seen the whole thing...the whole humiliating episode! It was pretty clear that she'd just come over to laugh at me.
MADELINE: I just came over to thank you...
KEVIN: Huh?
MADELINE: For being nice to me. You don't know how hard it is to be the new girl in school.
*
Ninth-grade man. Noble, upright, virtuous. I went into my last year of junior high thinking I knew all the answers. And suddenly all I had were questions. Plus a dislocated thumb. It's funny. I remembered the time when I knew who I was. But that was eight hours ago. Suddenly I felt on the outside, looking in. Looking for...
(Winnie is alone at a table, looking away. She spots Kevin, and smiles and waves.)
Winnie.
WINNIE: Hi!
KEVIN: Hi.
WINNIE: How was your day?
I wanted to tell her everything, every bit of it. All the setbacks, all the screw-ups.
KEVIN: Fine.
Heck. I knew she'd understand.
KEVIN: How about yours?
WINNIE: OK.
(Winnie rests her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes.)
After all when you are fourteen, you can't always put words to life. All I knew was - I felt home again.
(Madeline pauses at the edge of the table. Kevin looks up with some trepidation. Kevin glances after her, then looks forward somberly. Madeline walks to the jukebox, leans against it, and looks over her shoulder at Kevin and Winnie. Winnie's eyes flutter open.)
WINNIE: You don't know how hard it is to be the new girl in school.

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(Ep 49 - "The Journey")

(Kevin does not want to crash a girls' slumber party.)
KEVIN: Paul! Forget it!
PAUL: Sure.
(Paul picks up a jiggling plate of Jell-O.)
PAUL: I wonder what they actually wear to a tenth-grade slumber party.
KEVIN: Paul.
PAUL: Oh. Do they wear negligees?
(Paul frowns, then brightens.)
PAUL: Do they wear anything? (Smiles.)
(Kevin sighs and frowns at Paul.)
PAUL: Sorry. I was just thinking.
KEVIN: Yeah, well don't.
(Randy and Doug approach them excitedly.)
RANDY: We were thinking. Maybe we should go to that party.
PAUL: Yeah, why not?
DOUG: Right.
PAUL: Yeah.
I couldn't understand it. These were guys I'd known all my adult life. Now, they were acting like....fourteen-year olds.
KEVIN: Look. Randy...
RANDY: Yeah, we know. But that's before we heard about the beer.
KEVIN: What beer?
DOUG: Well, Walter's sister says...all we have to do is show up with a few brewskis...and it's "babe-o-rama". (Frowns.)

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(Ep 50 - "Cost of Living")

Every Sunday night, once the dishes were cleared...my father would referee a battle between his income, and his outgo.
JACK: Sixteen-thirty-four for the damn phone company?!
And from the looks of it...the outgo packed some pretty fair punches.
JACK: Who the hell's been leaving the lights on?!
Spectators who knew the circuit laid low.
JACK: Highway robbery...
By the time the final blow had landed, that old income would be reduced to such a measly balance...that in our house we had a word for that negligible chunk of change.
(Jack reaches for his wallet, pulls it out and slaps it down. He looks forward and sighs.)
JACK: Allowance!
*
(Jack is playing golf with his boss, Ken. Kevin is Ken's caddy.)
JACK: How ya holding up?
KEVIN: What?
JACK: It's a big bag - must be heavy.
KEVIN: Well-well...
JACK: You don't have to kill yourself, ya know...He can finish with another caddy.
Another caddy?! So that was his game.
KEVIN: Hey, you don't have to worry about me, alright?!
JACK: Suit yourself...
And I would. I didn't need his help!
(Ken returns with sodas.)
KEN: Here we go...
I had...upper-management.
KEN: Say, Jack...I've been thinking...
And then...upper-management made one little mistake.
KEN: Maybe it's your clubs. They're too old...Cheap, ya know? If you put a little money in your bag...you might...give us more of a match, huh? (Smiles.)
And suddenly, all bets were off.
JACK: Well...let's just see what these old clubs can do...
*
And as Dad's game turned into gold...Mr. Stein turned into...Mr. Hyde.
KEN: Hell!
KEVIN: Ah...(shrugs)...it-it was a-a difficult shot.
KEN: Look - when I want your advice...(gestures)...I'll ask for it. Just keep the clubs clean...(gestures)...will ya?
KEVIN: OK...
The funny thing is...the smaller my tip began to look, the heavier that bag got. By the eighteenth fairway, I'd learned something interesting. The Whispering Grass back nine measures exactly four-thousand miles...tee to green.
(Ken whips his hat off and frowns.)
KEN: Caddy!
(Ken lifts both hands and shakes them.)
KEN: Let's hustle it up, huh?! (Frowns.)
*
(Ken misses a putt.)
KEN: Damn it all!
(He throws his club in the lake.)
But it was more than just a fifty-one-dollar, copper-faced, Billy Casper All-Pro sand-wedge that disappeared into that lake.
(Ken has his hands on his hips, frowning at Kevin.)
KEN: Get it!
It was my dignity.
KEVIN: Pardon? (Shrugs.)
KEN: You heard me! Bring...it...to me.
(Jack looks at Kevin, then turns his back.)
And suddenly, I felt very alone.
KEN: Well, son?
It was up to me. I didn't have to go fetch. I coulda told this guy what I thought of him...right there, right then.
KEVIN: I...
But for some reason...at that moment...I heard myself utter four words I'd heard somewhere before.
KEVIN: Whatever you say, Ken.
(Jack turns slightly.)
(Kevin drops the bag and tentatively wades into the lake.)
And so...after eighteen holes spent counting future riches...it all came down to this.
*
(Jack intentionally loses the game. Ken and Jack shake hands.)
And somehow, all of a sudden...I understood why. That day...I realized something from this man...that I was trying so hard not to be like.
JACK: How ya holdin' up?
KEVIN: Well, I'm a little tired.
JACK: Umm-hmmm...
He understood the value of money. And the cost of it.
KEVIN: Hey - it's too bad about that putt.
JACK: A putt's a putt.
KEVIN: Coulda made it, Dad! (Smiles.)
JACK: Maybe.
I guess Dad knew he could lose a game, and still not lose his manhood. His pride didn't hinge on a stupid shot. Or some shiny new clubs.
(They walk past a cafe.)
And I suddenly knew exactly what I wanted to use my money for.
KEVIN: Dad! Can I buy you lunch?
(Jack smiles slightly. He frowns, tilts his head, then nods once.)
JACK: Whatever you say, Kev. (Smiles.)
It was the first time I ever really said thank you to the man...for all he'd given me.

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(Ep 51 - "It's A Mad, Mad, Madeline World")

(Kevin knocks three times on Madeline's door. It opens almost immediately, revealing Madeline holding a mixing bowl.)
It was time to study French.
MADELINE: Bon jour, Kevin.
(Kevin looks on with awe. The camera pans up from the mixing bowl to Madeline's face. She has tied her white blouse up, revealing her stomach.)
In our underwear.
KEVIN: Oh.
(Madeline notices his gaze.)
MADELINE: Oh, this!
(She looks at her clothes.)
MADELINE: I am sorry that I'm such a mess. But I really didn't have a chance to get fixed up. (Nods.)
Oh.
KEVIN: Oh.
MADELINE: And since it is school night and we'll be cooking, I figured why worry about clothes. (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Oh, uh, sure.
Sure that explained it. Why worry about clothes...?
MADELINE: Here! You just stir and leave everything else to me. OK?
And even so, a little voice inside was telling me to watch my step.
MADELINE: Entrez!
I guess little voices don't speak French.
*
KEVIN: It's kind of funny, isn't it?
MADELINE: What's funny?
KEVIN: Oh, well, you know, how you and me were paired up. It's kind of a...coincidence. You know?
And then it happened.
MADELINE: What makes you think it was a coincidence?
KEVIN: Oh, well, you picked my name and...
(Madeline takes off her apron. Kevin gets nervous.)
KEVIN: Eh, I think I better go.
MADELINE: Come on! We haven't even tasted it yet.
KEVIN: No, no, I...
(Madeline licks her finger and smiles.)
MADELINE: Mmmmm.
(Madeline puts her finger inches from Kevin's mouth.)
KEVIN: I...
MADELINE: Go ahead...Taste it!
KEVIN: I-I gotta go. (Exits.)
*
(At Winnie's bus stop.)
WINNIE: Kevin, what are you doing here?
KEVIN: I-I was just riding my bike. Guess I got a little lost.
Which was true in more ways than one.
KEVIN: Oh! I was thinking about you.
Which was true, too.
WINNIE: Well, that's nice.
And it was nice. It made me feel sure again. Made me feel brave.
WINNIE: So, how did it go last night?
(Flashback of "Taste it!")
Made me feel like throwing up.
(Kevin looks away a bit guiltily.)
KEVIN: Uh, yeah, it went OK. Just a lot of cooking more or less. (Smiles.)
WINNIE: What did you make?
(Kevin tries to sound nonchalant.)
KEVIN: Nothing special. Just, you know, chocolate mousse.
WINNIE: Oh, that sounds delicious! (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Probably - but I-I didn't taste it!
*
(In the theater, Kevin sees Madeline approaching.)
WINNIE: Kevin, are you alright?
KEVIN: Me?
WINNIE: You're all sweaty. Are you sick?
KEVIN: Uh, I...well...
WINNIE: Maybe we should leave.
But at that moment I knew leaving wouldn't solve the problem.
(Madeline sits behind them.)
There was no escape from this. I had reached the dead end.
KEVIN: Listen Winnie, we have to talk. About my bracelet. You see, I, I kinda...
(Madeline's hand reaches out between them.)
MADELINE: Excuse me. I think you dropped this.
(Winnie takes the bracelet out of Madeline's hand.)
WINNIE: Thank you!
MADELINE: It's very nice.
WINNIE: I gave it to him.
MADELINE: Well, it must be nice to have someone you love like that.
WINNIE: That was so nice of her, wasn't it?

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(Ep 52 - "Little Debbie")

I was gonna make the best of this - come hell or high water.
WOMAN: And now everyone, it's time for our Sweetheart Waltz.
And then the rains came.
WOMAN: And leading us off will be Deborah Pfeiffer and Kevin Arnold.
DEBBIE: See, I told you I felt lucky!
There was just one small problem here - I didn't know how to waltz.
DEBBIE: Come on!
So, in front of 200,000 gawking seventh-graders, I prepared to make a fool of myself. It was humiliating. There I was, Kevin Arnold, teen hero, stumbling like a lame duck through the single longest waltz in recorded history. And to make matters worse, I was being led through it, step by clumsy step...by a little girl.
(Dance ends.)
But at least now the hard part was over. Now, finally, little Debbie would realize her hero had two left feet - both of them clay.
DEBBIE: Kevin you were great!
KEVIN: Huh?
DEBBIE: Oh, Kevin, this must be the most wonderful night of my life! You and me waltzing - I feel just like Cinderella.
That's when I knew, once and for all...
(Debbie takes off her glasses and smiles at Kevin.)
Debbie Pfeiffer's love for me...was blind.
*
KEVIN: What are you guys doin' here?
RANDY: Bad news, Kev.
KEVIN: Was it the game? Did we lose?
DOUG: Worse.
KEVIN: Worse?
RANDY: Paul...you had the binoculars - you tell him.
PAUL: Well, when we got to the game...
And thus Paul launched into a story I was to hear over and over again, at cocktail parties and class reunions. A tale of woe. The subject?
PAUL: It was Deanna...Deanna Delgado...
According to Paul, it happened in mere seconds. Something that broke young mens' hearts, and shattered long-held illusions. Something slipped through Deanna's sweater. And in the light of this horrible revelation, a new conciousness was born. A single undeniable truth.
RANDY: Deanna Delgado...stuffs!
DOUG: Falsies.
PAUL: They looked so...real!
It was a moment of rare understanding - sympathy for a dream lost.

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(Ep 55 - "A Very Cutlip Christmas")

By December of 1970, it was pretty clear Christmas meant nothing to Coach Cutlip. While most human beings were brimming with Yuletide cheer, he was brimming with...
(Mr. Cutlip goes down the list he has written on the chalkboard.)
MR. CUTLIP: Chin-ups. Sit-ups. The shuttle run. Various calisthenics. And, of course...the rope climb.
(The class groans.)
Face it. The guy was Scrooge in a baseball cap.
*
I'll always remember that look on his face. He was at once heroic and stupid.
MR. CUTLIP: Move along, Arnold.
(Kevin walks away.)
There was nothing more I could do. The die was cast. It was Santa's Last Stand. I stood there, helpless, outnumbered. And that's when it happened. Doug Porter looked first, directly into the eyes of the man who had taught him gym for three long years. Then Tommy Kisling looked, too, and Randy Mitchell. Those three skeptics gazed straight at that white beard, dead into the eyes of Coach Cutlip not thirty feet away. But all that they saw...was Santa Claus. It was a miracle. He stood there like some patron saint of all the lonely people holidays sometimes forget. And for that brief moment of Christmas magic, Ed Cutlip got his chance to be what he always wanted. And I never gave him away.

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(Ep 56 - "The Candidate")

Everybody know politics is a dirty business. Yet our greatest national heroes have always been politicians. Maybe there's a reason for that. Maybe it takes a certain kind of person to get down in the mud...and come out with the bricks of statecraft. After all, in America, they say any kid can grow up to be president. What they don't say...is how.
*
Facts were facts. It was time to face the truth. Take my medicine like a man.
BECKY: Kevin?
And the doctor was in.
BECKY: I just dropped over to see how things were going.
KEVIN: Well...
PAUL: I'll handle this. For your information, Becky, our campaign is going quite well.
BECKY: Really?! That's odd. I didn't realize Kevin was still in the race.
PAUL: Hey, we're doing OK!
KEVIN: Guys!
(Becky sits on Kevin's posters.)
BECKY: Maybe you'd like me to throw some votes your way - just to make it exciting.
PAUL: He doesn't need your votes, thank you very much.
BECKY: Well, don't say I didn't offer.
(Becky stands up. The posters are stuck to her dress.)
And that was that. It was hopeless. This race was over.
(Kids start to laugh and point at Becky.)
Except, maybe it wasn't.

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(Ep 57 - "Heartbreak")

Winnie Cooper and I had been through it all. The good times, bad times, the ups and downs. And we were still together.
KEVIN: OK, you're right. (He smiles.) Satisfied?
(Winnie smiles teasingly.)
WINNIE: I knew it! You can't fool me - I know that look on your face.
We'd known each other since we were kids. And to me she was still the girl next door - even though she didn't live next door anymore.
KEVIN: Hey, did you know Patsy Paddock broke up with Jim *Reed*?
WINNIE: Really? I didn't even know they were going steady.
KEVIN: Well, they are - I mean, or were.
WINNIE: Oh, then I guess it's too bad they split up.
Fact is now that we were going to a different schools, there were a few obstacles to overcome. Things like basic communication.
WINNIE: Brian Burns got suspended from school for two weeks for smoking in the boys' room.
KEVIN: No kidding? Who's Brian Burns?
ROGER: Hey, Winnie!
WINNIE: Hi! (She waves.)
KEVIN: Who are they?
WINNIE: Just some kids from Lincoln.
KEVIN: Oh.
But even if our lives had changed, we knew it didn't matter.
(Winnie is looking at her friends.)
KEVIN: Winnie?
WINNIE: I'm sorry. What were you going to say?
KEVIN: Never mind.
We'd been together too long to let time and distance come between us. And if Winnie had her life, well...so be it. After all...I had mine, too.
*
(At the museum.)
KEVIN: Are you going to spend the whole day waving at them?
(Winnie frowns at Kevin.)
Oops!
KEVIN: I mean, I just thought we were here together, you know?
WINNIE: I know, I'm sorry.
*
KEVIN: I don't get it. What's so special about them?
EXHIBIT FILM (V/O): The continents began to drift. And suddenly, the temperature fell.
WINNIE: I don't know. They're just real nice.
KEVIN: Yeah, real nice, real nice...They make a cute couple.
WINNIE: Except they're not a couple.
KEVIN: Couple, not a couple. Winnie, who cares? You don't see me talking to my friends, do you?
(Winnie looks offended. Paul comes up behind Kevin.)
PAUL: Hi, Kevin. Hi, Winnie!
(Randy and Doug are next to Paul.)
EXHIBIT FILM (V/O): New life forms began to appear.
OK, OK. Bad timing.
KEVIN: Uh...Hi, guys.
*
(Later,Winnie has run off, after seeing Madeline and Kevin together. Kevin finds her in the parking lot.)
KEVIN: Winnie! Wait! Can we talk about this?
WINNIE: I don't know.
KEVIN: Look...
I wanted to tell her she was the only one. That she had always been the only one. Ever since we were kids. Ever since she lived across the street.
WINNIE: I don't know what to say to you.
KEVIN: Winnie, it's not what you think.
WINNIE: I never thought this could happen to me!
KEVIN: Believe me. Nothing's happened.
WINNIE: Yes. It has.
(Winnie starts to cry.)
WINNIE: Kevin...I've met someone!
KEVIN: Wh...?
WINNIE: Oh, Kevin. I'm sorry.

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(Ep 58 - "Denial")

KEVIN: This is all a mistake!
PAUL: Huh?
KEVIN: What happened - with Winnie and me?
PAUL: Oh, that.
KEVIN: It's just a big understanding, right?
PAUL: Well...
KEVIN: She's probably just mad at me. Don't you think?
PAUL: Kev...
KEVIN: Yeah?
PAUL: It's over.
KEVIN: What?
PAUL: Well, I'm sorry, but that's what I think. I mean it's pretty clear. She met this guy...she likes him better...
KEVIN: Who asked you?!
PAUL: Well, you did. Remember?
KEVIN: That's not the point.
PETER: Hey, Arnold! Heard the "Super Cooper" dropped you like a rotten egg. Sorry!
KEVIN: Great.
One little tiff with my girlfriend, and suddenly I'm headline news.
PAUL: Kev? Maybe you should just...accept it.
KEVIN: Yeah? Well, I don't, OK?!
Hey, I was fourteen. Acceptance was not exactly a major part of my emotional repertoire. What I needed was a little support - a sympathetic ear.
MADELINE: Kevin?
A wolf in sheep's clothing.
KEVIN: Madeline!
MADELINE: I'm sorry about what happened with you and Winnie. I guess...breaking up is hard to do.
KEVIN: Yeah. Well we're not really broken up.
MADELINE: Oh. I just thought...
KEVIN: Yeah. Well it's not like that, OK? (Smiles.) We're just working it out.
MADELINE: Well if you want to talk...I'm always available.
KEVIN: Thanks, but I won't need that. The whole thing has been blown out of proportion.
*
(At a party. Kevin has brought Madeline as his date, to make Winnie jealous.)
The gauntlet was down. I had no choice but to become the life of that party. I danced with abandon. I answered the question on everybody's lips. "Is there life after Winnie Cooper?" You better believe it! Kevin Arnold was a fun-loving guy with a beautiful date.
(Kevin is dancing again, showing off for Madeline, and bumps into a girl, spilling her drink. Everybody looks at Kevin.)
No doubt about it. I was the center of attention.
KEVIN: Sorry.
PAUL: Maybe it's time for you to take a breather, Kev.
KEVIN: Hey! Is this a party or what?
PAUL: I don't get it.
Sheesh. What was this guy's problem?
(Kevin turns toward Winnie. She looks away.)
I wasn't hurting anybody.
(Kevin approaches Madeline, who is looking down.)
KEVIN: Do you want to dance?
MADELINE: That depends.
KEVIN: What do you mean?
MADELINE: Are you going to be dancing with me...or her?
KEVIN: What are you talking about?
MADELINE: Maybe it's time you made up your mind. About Winnie.
KEVIN: Huh?
MADELINE: She's making a fool of you.
(Winnie and Roger start to dance. Kevin watches Winnie and smiles. Madeline notices him looking at Winnie and rolls her eyes.)
MADELINE: Kevin! Find me when you make up your mind. (Exits.)

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(Ep 59 - "Who's Aunt Rose?")

I grew up in a neighborhood that was a lot like other neighborhoods. Where the boxes we lived in were distinguished only by the names on the mailboxes...and the cars in the driveways.
(Fade to dinner. The Arnold's are eating and talking.)
It was a place where hard-working Americans circled their wagons to protect themselves from the outside world.
JACK: Wayne, don't forget the trash - tomorrow's Tuesday.
WAYNE: Hey, it's Kevin's turn. (Frowns.)
KEVIN: No, it's not!
JACK: Just...do it.
Our lives were made up of little moments...
NORMA: More scalloped potatoes, honey?
All delicately intertwined.
KEVIN: Oh, thanks Mom.
(Norma looks at Jack.)
NORMA: Karen called today.
(Jack looks forward.)
JACK: How much?
NORMA: Just...thirty-five dollars till the end of the month. (Frowns.)
JACK: Send her a check. (Nods.)
(Kevin reaches for a roll, and Wayne grabs it.)
KEVIN: Hey, that's mine! (Frowns.)
WAYNE: Not anymore, angelface.
(Kevin reaches for it and Wayne pulls it back - twice.)
NORMA: Wayne...give your brother the roll.
(Wayne hesitates, then quickly licks the roll and hands it to Kevin. Kevin frowns and sets it on his plate.)
Maybe we weren't aware of it then, amid the school paper-drives and the scalloped potatoes and the sounds of the neighbor's children playing...but life was rich there...in our small sanctuary. And precious.
(The phone rings. Norma rises and walks to the phone.)
And the only thing that could ever change that...
NORMA (On the phone): Hello?
Was death.
*
(After getting thrown out of the car by Albert, Kevin and Wayne walk two miles to the funeral, arriving late.)
PASTOR: Would...anyone like to say a few words about Rose McKenzie?
ALBERT: I, uh...I believe I would.
(Albert walks toward the end of the casket, takes off his hat, then clears his throat.)
ALBERT: I guess, uh...I guess my cousin, Rose...liked family gatherings more than anyone I've ever known. Even after she had trouble gettin' around, she always loved to have a chance to see...the folks, as she liked to call us. Course, lately...(gestures)...it seems like the only time we get together is, uh...when there's a wedding, or...(gestures)...or when somebody leaves us.
As I stood there...listening to Grandpa's words...a lot of things began to become real for me. Aunt Rose. The loss Gramps was feeling. And why coming here was so important...for all of us.
ALBERT: But, I can tell you one thing. Rose...is not gone from us. She never will be. She will always be a part of us...as long as we remain a family. Part of...the folks. Part of who we are.
(Albert looks at Kevin.)
ALBERT: Even for those who...really didn't know her very well.
I guess that's when I understood...what my grandfather had been trying to explain to me. That my life was bigger than the little neighborhood I lived in. And that these strangers who surrounded me...weren't just relatives...they were my family. And the death of one...affected each of us in some way.

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(Ep 60 - "Courage")

MISS HASENFUSS: Hi, Kevin! (Smiles.)
Miss Hasenfuss, my dental hygienist.
KEVIN: Hi, Miss Hasenfuss!
MISS HASENFUSS: I'm ready for you now. (Smiles.)
Actually, she was more than just my dental hygienist.
(In "the chair".)
MISS HASENFUSS: So, have you been brushing?
KEVIN: You bet. Every day.
MISS HASENFUSS: Take a look.
Our relationship went beyond lower incisors and upper bicuspids and dental floss. She was someone I could really talk to.
(Miss Hasenfuss has a mirror in Kevin's mouth.)
KEVIN (Garbled): So, how's it been going?
MISS HASENFUSS: Oh, busy. You?
KEVIN (Garbled): Well...you know.
MISS HASENFUSS: Open...
She smelled like Ivory soap and herbal shampoo...and knew all the right things to say to make a man feel like...a man.
MISS HASENFUSS: Spit!

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(Ep 61 - "Buster")

Every American family has its own unique blend of personalities. My family was no exception. Within our four suburban walls...we ranged the full spectrum of types.
(The camera pans across Jack, Norma, Wayne and Kevin.)
From the flamboyant...to the demure. From the repellant...to the ideal. Somehow, we managed to fit together in a kind of fragile alliance. One for all, and all for one. With one exception.
(Buster barks.)
KEVIN: Buster!
Buster - the family dog. When he was little...he was...cute. Everyone wanted to cuddle him. He was the perfect puppy. Then something happened. Buster...grew up. Suddenly he wasn't so cute.
(Buster barks. Jack leans forward and turns toward Kevin.)
JACK: Kevin!
(Norma leans forward and turns.)
NORMA: Honey!
(Wayne leans forward and turns.)
WAYNE: Scrote!
*
KEVIN: Mom? Dad? Wayne? I took Buster to the vet.
WAYNE: And?
KEVIN: Well...
NORMA: Honey? Is there something wrong with him?
KEVIN: Well, nothing that can't be fixed. I mean...
There was no sense holding back. This was a family issue. A matter for the alliance.
KEVIN: Well...
So...I told them.
KEVIN: She said it was the conscientious thing to do.
I explained to them exactly what was involved...making every detail crystal-clear.
(Jack frowns and squirms.)
And, when it was over...
(Jack and Wayne cross their legs, uncomfortably.)
Seemed the decision was pretty much up to them.
JACK: That's what she said, huh?
KEVIN: Uh-huh.
But at least the burden was off me. This problem was too big for one small kid. My family would handle it now, together - one for all...all for one.
WAYNE: May I be excused?
NORMA: I should go finish the laundry.
JACK: Um...there's a...lightbulb in the bedroom, uh...that needs to be replaced.
*
NORMA: Kevin?! Where have you been?!
KEVIN: I was at the park. Buster got loose...I had to chase 'em.
JACK: Saw what he did? I'll be up all night, trying to...patch this thing together.
KEVIN: I'm sorry...
But somehow, Dad's report didn't seem all that important anymore.
WAYNE: Hey...where's the pooch?
KEVIN: He ran away. I think he wanted to. I let him down. I think we all let him down.
JACK: I'll get my coat.
*
(The Arnold's are driving around, looking for Buster.)
That night, I think we all realized something. About Buster. About ourselves. About being a family. Sometimes it's not enough just to enjoy the good times...the cute times. Sometimes it's when your puppies grow up that the work begins. The hard decisions.
(The car pulls to the curb. Jack sighs.)
JACK: OK. We'll look again tomorrow when it's light.

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(Ep 62 - "Road Trip")

The biggest thing in a young boys world...is his dad. The "big enchilada". You do what he says. You do what he does. He's your guide through the mysteries of manhood - your confidant. Your pal - until the day comes when -
(Kevin is at the bathroom mirror as Jack opens the door, holding a cross-word puzzle.)
JACK: Oh!
KEVIN: Uh...
JACK: You in here?
(They smile at each other uncomfortably, and Jack exits.)
For some reason, things change.
(Evening on the couch.)
Your confidant becomes...that guy on the other end of the couch.
(Kevin and Jack glance at each other.)
You stop communicating. Except through an interpreter.
NORMA: Kevin, how'd you do on your test today?
KEVIN: Fine, Mom.
NORMA: You hear that, honey? Kevin did well on his French test.
(Jack says nothing. Kevin looks at him.)
NORMA: Jack, did you tell Kevin about your trip to Cincinnati?
(Jack turns toward Kevin.)
JACK: Rained.
KEVIN: Uh-huh.
JACK: Cold.
KEVIN: Uh-huh.
NORMA: Well, I guess that roasting pan has soaked long enough.
Even a skilled mediator can't always bridge the widening gulf.
(Go-go dancers on TV. Jack chuckles, Kevin smiles.)
Truth is, when you're fourteen, the absolute worst part of being with your dad...is being with your dad.
(They look at each other.)
KEVIN: I gotta study.
JACK: I gotta work.
And you never, ever, want to be alone with each other.
*
(Jack and Kevin have spent about six hours trying to get to the clothes store to buy a suit for Kevin. They arrive just as the store closes.)
Three hours, six wrong turns, and two gas-stations later...
(A tire pops, hissing out air and flattening. The car lists to one side, as Kevin and Jack look at each other.)
Somebody...finally...spoke.
JACK: I'll get the lug-wrench.
KEVIN: You need any help with that?
JACK: I can handle it.
KEVIN: Dad, can't you just lower -
JACK: I said I can handle it!
I stood there, feeling like...a fifth-wheel. Not even that.
JACK: Awright...gimme some room...
(Jack strains on the lug-wrench.)
JACK: Great. Lug-nut's jammed. Damn thing won't budge!
(Jack strains on the wrench.)
JACK: Might as well be...welded on...solid.
(Jack sighs and stands up.)
JACK: How could this have happened?
He probably meant that to be rhetorical. Still...
KEVIN: Probably because you didn't listen to that guy back at the gas-station! (Nods.)
(Jack wipes his forehead slowly, then looks at Kevin.)
I seemed to feel the need to shoot off my big mouth.
JACK: What?!
KEVIN: Well...you should've...
JACK: Let me tell ya something, Kevin! We wouldn't be here...
(Jack shakes the lug-wrench.)
JACK: If it wasn't for that damn suit of yours!
KEVIN: My suit! (Frowns.) Look - I didn't even want to come here!
JACK: Well, neither did I! Travellin' half-way around the country!
KEVIN: Yeah, well...(gestures)...that's because you got us lost!
JACK: I did not get us lost!
KEVIN: Did so!
JACK: I did not!
KEVIN: Did so!
JACK: Dammit!
(Jack turns away and points with the lug-wrench.)
JACK: Does this look like we're lost?!
But the aweful truth was...we we're. He knew it...And I knew it. We were lost - in a way that had nothing to do with Rand-McNally, or Route 22-B.

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(Ep 63 - "When Worlds Collide")

I knew the walk. I knew the talk. I had my own kinda...style. But like a lot of cool kids my age, I did have one tragic flaw. One secret that threatened the very fabric of my fragile image. I, Kevin Arnold...
NORMA: Hi, honey!
KEVIN: Hi, Mom.
Had a mom.
NORMA: Did you have a good day at school?
KEVIN: Yeah.
NORMA: Well, I'm glad.
Don't get me wrong - I liked my mother. She was good to me.
NORMA: Hungry?
KEVIN: Nah...
(Norma tilts her head and smiles.)
KEVIN: Well, a little.
NORMA: Good! I made you a grilled-cheese sandwich!
She made me grilled-cheese sandwiches...
NORMA: Milk?
KEVIN: Thanks!
She poured my milk...
NORMA: Oh - and I sewed that button on the shirt that you like - so you can wear it tomorrow.
She sewed my buttons...
KEVIN: That's great, Mom.
NORMA: And, I went shopping for you today.
KEVIN: You did?
NORMA: Uh-huh.
Face it. The woman loved me. She knew me better than anyone in the world. Which of course...was the problem.
NORMA: Look! Underpants! (Smiles.) Your favorite kind!
She knew...too much.

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(Ep 64 - "Separate Rooms")

NORMA: Kevin? Are those Wayne's socks you're wearing?
(Kevin looks, Wayne laughs.)
NORMA: You know - now that I think of it - I may have mixed up your bureau drawers yesterday. Did you boys notice whose underwear you put on this morning?
(Music of doom. Cut to sidewalk with Doug and Paul.)
DOUG: You wore his underwear? Ewww!
KEVIN: Look, just...don't remind me about it, OK?
DOUG: Man! I think I'd kill myself!
PAUL: Come on, guys - cut it out. I mean, it's not that bad.
DOUG: Oh, yeah? What could be worse?
PAUL: Well, lemme see...
KEVIN: Paul, just drop it, OK?

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(Ep 65 - "The Yearbook")

Any kid who's ever been to junior high school knows one great universal truth - image is everything. Who you are is pretty much who you appear to be. And who you appear to be is pretty much a matter of hard work and careful planning. For most kids, anyway. Meet Peter Armbruster - otherwise known as..."Pig".
PETER: Let's eat!
(Peter takes a big bite of hotdog, and waves at Kevin.)
PETER: Hey, guys.
KEVIN: Hey, Peter.
PAUL: Hey, Peter.
Not that anyone ever called him "Pig" to his face. Still...
PAUL: Oh my God! He's gonna go for all five!
As images go, it wasn't pretty.
(Peter talks with his mouth full of French fries.)
PETER: Woops - ketchup!
(Peter goes for ketchup.)
PETER: Excuse me!
Face it. In the looks-conscious world of ninth-grade...
(A boy bumps into Peter, and Peter drops something on the floor.)
BOY: Watch it, man!
There was only one way to sum up a guy like Peter.
(Peter shrugs and sighs.)
PETER: Uh-oh.
(Peter bends over to pick up the item, and shows his butt-crack to Kevin and Paul.)
KEVIN & PAUL: Ohhhhhhh!
He just didn't seem to care.
*
MR. DIPERNA: Did you honestly think you were gonna get away with this prank?
KEVIN: Prank?
MR. DIPERNA: "Oink! Oink!"
KEVIN: Uh...
MR. DIPERNA: Did you honestly think that was funny?!
KEVIN: Well...No! I mean, I guess you...kinda had to be there. But that's -
MR. DIPERNA: Luckily, not all your fellow students share in your brand of humor, Arnold.
Wait a minute - what was this guy saying?
MR. DIPERNA: Some of the more conscientious members of the yearbook editorial staff told me you were trying to sneak this quote in.
KEVIN: Brad and Marcy said that?
MR. DIPERNA: It's not important who said it - the important thing is that you didn't get away with it. My only question now is...what length detention you deserve? (Long pause.) Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
KEVIN: Well...I....
But there was really only one thing to say.
KEVIN: I'm sorry.
*
PETER: Hey, Kevin! Call me "Pig". Everybody else does!

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(Ep 66 - "The Accident")

There are things about your childhood you hold on to, because they were so much a part of you. The places you went, the people you knew. Somewhere, in every memory I had, was Winnie Cooper. She was a part of me, and I was a part of her. By the end of ninth grade I knew everything about her. What I didn't know was that she was falling apart.
*
(At the roller-skating rink.)
I decided to devote my life to skating. Skating was simple really. As opposed to, say, Winnie.
(Kevin falls down and Winnie approaches him.)
WINNIE: Are you OK?
KEVIN: Yeah. I'm fine.
WINNIE: It was a pretty bad spill.
KEVIN: Yeah, well, thanks for asking!
WINNIE: Kevin?
Oh no.
WINNIE: Can we talk?
And here we went again.
WINNIE: I guess you think I've been acting kind of weird lately.
KEVIN: Well, no...(frowns)...Yes.
WINNIE: I wish I could explain -
KEVIN: Yeah, well why don't you try then?
WINNIE: It's just...(Gestures.)
And for a second I thought I might actually get an answer.
JUNIOR: Hey Winnie! Hey, come on, we're goin' for a drive!
WINNIE: Great! I gotta go...
KEVIN: Winnie! Stop.
WINNIE: Kevin, you're scaring me!
KEVIN: What's going on?
WINNIE: I don't know what you mean...
KEVIN: Winnie, I know you. Or I used to know you, and you're not acting like yourself!
WINNIE: How am I supposed to act?
KEVIN: Like you! Like the Winnie Cooper I know!
WINNIE: Kevin, let me go.
KEVIN: No! Why are you acting like this?
WINNIE: Because when I act like myself, everything goes bad!
KEVIN: What?
WINNIE: I just want to forget the past three years!
KEVIN: What about me?
WINNIE: You just don't understand.
KEVIN: Well, what do you want me to say? (Gestures.)
WINNIE: Nothing!
The funny thing is, those three years had been the best years of my whole life.
*
(Winnie was in a car accident. Kevin is waiting for the Cooper's at their house as they pull up.)
MR. COOPER: Kevin?
KEVIN: Mr. Cooper! Is she all right?
MR. COOPER: Well, it's a broken leg and some cuts. She's gonna need some time to recover. She'll be OK.
KEVIN: Can I see her?
MRS. COOPER: Hello Kevin.
KEVIN: Mrs. Cooper, may I talk to her?
MR. COOPER: Kevin, maybe you should go home now.
KEVIN: What?
MRS. COOPER: Kevin, Winnie doesn't want to see you right now.
KEVIN: Wh...but that's impossible. I know she wants to see me. (Smiles.)
MRS. COOPER: Kevin...Please go home.
And I guess that's when I finally understood. I'd been part of Winnie's past - a past she wanted to forget. And now...there was nothing to do...but go. Only I didn't...I couldn't. There are things in a life that matter, things in a past which can't be denied. Winnie Cooper was part of me, and I was part of her. And no matter what, for as long as we lived, I knew I could never let her go.

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(Ep 67 - "The House That Jack Built")

(Karen is sharing a house with a roommate, instead of at a college dorm. Jack, Norma and Kevin have gone to see the house. They are eating lunch.)
JACK: Lotsa work to do.
NORMA: So it's a good thing we came up, right? (Smiles.)
JACK: No kidding. Place needs a man's help. (Smiles.)
(The young man who dropped off some groceries earlier enters the door behind Karen and pauses.)
MAN: Hi. (Smiles.)
(Jack glances at him, then looks at him with surprise.)
KAREN: Hi.
MAN: Can I come in? (Gestures.)
KAREN: Sure.
(The man sits down between Jack and Karen.)
MAN: Hi. (Nods.)
JACK: Hi.
What?
(The man serves himself some food.)
Did the guy change his mind about the tip?
(Jack holds a serving spoon of bean-curd, and frowns at the man.)
KAREN: I...uh...
Seemed pretty clear an explanation was in order.
JACK: And who are you? (Frowns.)
MAN: I live here.
KAREN: Uh...everybody...this is Michael.
(Karen puts her hand on Michael's.)
And, with those polite formalities out of the way...we sat down to break bread.
JACK: What do you mean you live here? (Frowns.)
(Michael looks at Karen. Jack frowns at Karen.)
JACK: What does he mean...(gestures)...he lives here?
MICHAEL: You didn't tell 'em, yet.
KAREN: W-well, I didn't quite get around to it yet.
JACK: Tell us what?! (Frowns.)
KAREN: Mom...Dad...you know I-I told you that I was gonna be sharing a house with somebody...(Nods.)
MICHAEL: Nice to meet you. (Nods.)
Somehow I'd envisioned Karen's roommate a little less...male.

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(Ep 68 - "Graduation")

MR. CUTLIP: But before I go...I'd like to leave you with a thought. One to carry with you years from now when you'll look back and think...(smiles)...of Coach Cutlip.
(He looks emotionally toward the ceiling and raises his hands slowly as some "heavenly" organ music plays.)
MR. CUTLIP: Free at last. (Gestures.) Free at last...Thank God, Almighty - free...at last.
We were witnessing the passing of an era.
(He closes his eyes and shakes his fists.)
MR. CUTLIP: Amen!
(Cut to evening on Winnie's front lawn.)
We were witnessing the passing of an era. An era that lead directly from physical education...to love. Ahem. Platonically speaking.
WINNIE: Kevin, what do you think's gonna happen to us?
KEVIN: Us?
Actually, I'd had more than a few thoughts on the matter.
WINNIE: All of us.
KEVIN: Oh.
WINNIE: I mean, next year, in high school. You think we'll be OK?
KEVIN: How do you mean?
WINNIE: I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if the good times are really all gone. Whether they meant anything at all.
Good old Winnie - you had to love her. Those vulnerable doe eyes, reaching out for my manly reassurance.

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(Ep 69 - "Looking Back")

Once upon a time...life was simple. Cars were big...gas was cheap...front lawns were green. And everybody...liked Ike. The good guys were good...and the bad guys were bad. You knew where you stood. Then...in nineteen sixty-eight...something happened. Something...big. I turned twelve years old. I entered junior high school. That was me. And these were my times.
*
The three years between nineteen-sixty-eight and nineteen-seventy-one, I went to school, here. Robert F. Kennedy junior high. Through those portals lay a world the likes of which we'd never seen before. The world of...higher education. The fact was...the teachers I had at RFK...ranged from the ridiculous...to the sublime. From the exasperating...to the intimidating. From the ineffectual...to the indecipherable. Not that I didn't learn anything from my teachers. It's just that, as with most adolescents...my real education began at home. From my family. My mother instilled in me a deep appreciation...for the importance of family. And knowing your roots. Then, of course...there was my father. The man who'd taught me the intricacies of progressive parenting. My sister taught me the concept of independence. And, by accident of birth...ladies and gentlemen, my brother, Wayne. A pillar of support in times of crisis. All-in-all, I guess you could say my family was...kind of a proving ground for the lessons of life.
*
I learned a lot of things from a lot of people. Too bad I never learned to deal with the opposite sex. Let's face it - women were an enigma. But, in a lot of ways...so was life. And I was only in junior high.
*
In the years between nineteen-sixty-eight and nineteen-seventy-one...a lot of people were tuning in, turning on...and dropping out. As for me...I was busy just trying to survive junior high school. I probably wouldn't have made it without my best friend - Paul Pfeiffer. Paul and I were inseparable. It was a relationship based on mutual support. OK, so we had the occasional difference of opinion. Somehow, we always managed to find our way home to each other. We didn't really have a choice in the matter. Like it or not, we were friends. Paul, me...not to mention, Winnie Cooper. But of course, Winnie and I were more than friends.
*
Those years were like a long journey for me. Looking back, it was a time when we were still very small. And the world seemed very big. And I think about those days again and again...whenever some blowhard starts talking about the anonymity of the suburbs...or the mindlessness of the TV generation. Because I know I'll never forget those times...those years of wonder.

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