Episode 34 - "Don't You Know Anything About Women?"
OPENING SEQUENCE
Day - Arnold Living Room
(Very close shot from above of the dial in the center of the board-game "Life", as a hand spins it.)
(Very close shot of a hand moving the small plastic car along the board.)
In the game of life, there are few certainties.
PAUL (V/O): "Car Accident".
(The camera pans up to Paul and Carla, as Paul reads a game card.)
PAUL: "Pay five-thousand dollars if not insured."
(Paul smiles, and gestures at Carla.)
PAUL: Cough it up, Carla.
(Carla hands Paul some game money. Paul puts it behind him on the couch, then looks at Kevin off-screen.)
PAUL: Your turn, Kev.
(Shot past Carla of Kevin spinning the dial.)
In fact, most things are left to chance.
(Kevin moves his car, and reads the game note.)
KEVIN: "Get Married". Gimme a pink one.
(Kevin smiles as Paul puts a pink "person" in Kevin's car.)
(Shot of Paul and Carla.)
CARLA: Who is she, Kevin?
PAUL: Marsha Brady.
(Paul nods at Carla, then looks at Kevin off-screen.)
PAUL: No, no! Nancy Sinatra.
(Carla and Paul nod and smile.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling and looking toward the game.)
There's someone for everyone, we're told.
(Close shot of a hand putting a "person" in the car - a blooper?)
But the search for that one person to ride through life beside you is serious business.
(Close shot of Kevin looking toward Paul off-screen.)
(Shot of Paul and Carla, still giggling.)
(Close shot of Kevin.)
Especially when you're thirteen.
KEVIN: Paul? It's your turn.
(Wide shot from above as Paul spins the dial. The camera zooms in on the spinning dial.)
It's a matter of trial, error...and pure dumb luck.
Cut to
Mr. Cantwell's Science Class
(Close shot of Mr. Cantwell in a fire-proof hood, as he pours a green liquid into a beaker.)
And of course...chemistry.
(There is a small explosion.)
(Close shot of Kevin as he looks up.)
(Shot of Mr. Cantwell removing his hood.)
MR. CANTWELL: Do not try this at home.
(Close shot of Kevin, and Susan at the table next to him, in the background.)
Ah, chemistry.
(Kevin smiles and glances toward Susan.)
Nothin' like it.
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Susan, from her perspective.)
MR. CANTWELL (V/O): Proceed with your experiment.
(Close shot of Susan looking down.)
MR. CANTWELL (V/O): Remember - observation is the key.
(Susan glances up toward Mr. Cantwell off-screen.)
(Shot of Kevin still looking at her.)
Uh-huh, there was lots to be learned by observing Susan Fisher.
(Shot of Mr. Cantwell.)
MR. CANTWELL (V/O): Miss Fisher...
(Kevin looks forward.)
(Shot of Mr. Cantwell.)
MR. CANTWELL: Will you please read from your laboratory manual?
(Close shot of Susan as she looks at her book.)
SUSAN: The following experiment is one involvin' sodium and chloride - the basic components of salt.
(Close shot of Kevin glancing forward, then back toward Susan.)
Susan spanned the entire periodic table of elements.
(Close shot of Susan as she continues to read.)
She was gorgeous, exotic...
(Susan's lab partner moves next to her.)
And thanks to Donald Wallach, totally unavailable.
(Close shot of Kevin sighing and looking away.)
Still, there was something about the way that woman said...
(Kevin looks back toward Susan.)
(Close shot of Susan and Donald.)
SUSAN: Sodium chloride precipitate.
(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)
That set my blood boilin'.
(A hand holds a large beaker under Kevin's nose. He frowns.)
KEVIN: Hey!
(Shot of Kevin and Linda as she moves back to her spot, smiling.)
LINDA: Pay attention or you'll get burned. (Smiles.)
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
Linda Sloan, on the other hand, was my, well...lab partner.
(Shot past Linda of Kevin as he nods and frowns.)
KEVIN: I was paying attention.
(Shot past Kevin of Linda as she puts her hand on his arm.)
LINDA: Sure you were...
(She smiles and pulls her goggles down.)
(Shot past Linda of Kevin looking at her.)
She was smart, funny...
(Linda smiles at Kevin as she adjusts her goggles.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)
And comfortable.
(Shot past Kevin of Linda smiling at him.)
(Shot of Mr. Cantwell holding up two jars.)
MR. CANTWELL: Mix your precipitates, and stand back.
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: Think we're ready for this?
(Shot past Linda of Kevin shaking his head.)
KEVIN: (Sighs) As we'll ever be...
(Kevin slides his goggles down.)
(Wider shot of Kevin and Linda as she lifts the beaker.)
No question about it - Linda was really, really...
(Close shot of Linda pouring the liquid.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking toward the beaker off-screen.)
(Close shot of the tray and beaker. There is not much chemical reaction.)
(Shot of Kevin and Linda looking toward the beaker, then each other and frowning.)
A great guy.
DONALD (V/O): Here goes!
(Shot from Susan's perspective as Kevin and Linda look over their shoulder toward Donald and Susan.)
(Close shot of Donald pouring the liguid, which fizzes out of the beaker.)
(Wider shot of Donald and Susan smiling.)
(Shot from Susan's perspective of Kevin and Linda.)
LINDA: Maybe next time.
(Shot from in front of Kevin and Linda.)
KEVIN: Sure.
(Kevin smiles and raises his goggles.)
But in chemistry, as in life...
(Close shot from Susan's perspective, as he looks over his shoulder at her, off-screen. Goggles down - blooper.)
The realities are clear.
(Close shot of Susan and Donald smiling, and Susan taking off her goggles.)
Some combinations make sparks...
(Shot from in front of Kevin and Linda. She is looking at her paper, as Kevin glances at her.)
Some don't. With one small footnote.
Cut to
Hallway
(Close shot of the double doors as two kids push them open and exit outside. Kevin and Paul enter toward the camera, which rolls back with them.)
PAUL: Never get involved, Kev.
KEVIN: What's the matter, Paul? Carla problems?
PAUL: She wants me to take her miniature golfing! (Gestures.)
KEVIN: So?
PAUL: So? I just took her miniature golfing. (Gestures.) The woman is killing me! I mean, she has me on a leash!
KEVIN: Uh-huh.
(Paul shakes his head and frowns.)
You had to take Paul's belly-aching with a grain of salt - the guy was really happy only when he was hen-pecked.
(They stop at their lockers - and open them without dialing the combo....)
(Shot past Kevin of Paul.)
PAUL: Women!
(Paul tosses something in his locker, leans against it to close it, and frowns.)
(Shot past Paul of Kevin. He frowns.)
KEVIN: Well, Paul, if you're so miserable, why don't you just break up with her?
(Shot past Kevin of Paul.)
PAUL: I should. (Nods.) You know, I really should.
(Paul looks off and pauses.)
PAUL: But then who am I gonna take to the dance Friday night?
(Shot past Paul of Kevin.)
PAUL: I mean, I can't go alone...
(Shot past Kevin of Paul nodding.)
PAUL: Nobody goes alone.
(Close shot of Kevin frowning.)
Well, almost nobody.
(Close shot of Paul shrugging.)
PAUL: So who are you goin' with?
(Close shot of Kevin hesitating and glancing off.)
KEVIN: Oh, I...I'm not sure yet.
(Kevin smiles and shrugs.)
(Close shot of Paul smiling and nodding.)
PAUL: Oh, I get it. You're plannin' your move, huh...checkin' out the field...(Nods.)
(Close shot of Kevin as he smiles and nods.)
KEVIN: Yeah! Kinda.
(Wider shot of them as Kevin removes his jacket. Paul glances off.)
Actually, I'd resigned myself to spending the evening watching Craig Hobson drop dead flies in the punchbowl.
(Kevin puts his jacket in the locker.)
(Close shot of Paul smiling and turning to Kevin off-screen.)
PAUL: I know...why don't you ask her?
(Paul nods directionally.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking off.)
(Shot of Susan and Melissa talking, a little way down the hallway, at Susan's open locker.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Paul with mild surprise.)
KEVIN: Susan Fisher? Are you nuts? (Frowns.)
(Close shot of Paul smiling, and glancing at Susan off-screen.)
PAUL: Why not? (Shrugs.) She's available.
(Close shot of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: Paul, she happens to be joined at the hip to Donald Wallach!
(Close shot of Paul frowning and straightening up.)
PAUL: Man, you gotta put yourself in the loop! Donald and Susan broke up.
(Close shot of Kevin looking toward Susan off-screen.)
PAUL (V/O): Carla heard it from Melissa Bemil yesterday at lunch.
(Close shot of Susan and Melissa.)
(Close shot of Paul looking at Kevin, then toward Susan off-screen.)
PAUL: Go ahead, ask her. (Smiles.)
(Close shot of Kevin hesitating as he looks at Susan off-screen.)
KEVIN: No...I couldn't.
(He looks at Paul off-screen and smiles.)
(Close shot of Paul.)
PAUL: Come on, take a chance. (Shrugs.) You only live once.
(Paul looks toward Susan off-screen.)
It was powerful logic.
(Close shot of Kevin glancing from Paul to Susan and back.)
Assuming, of course...
(Close shot of Paul looking at Kevin off-screen, expectantly.)
That Paul, Carla, and Melissa Bemil were right.
Cut to
Cafeteria
(Wide shot of Kevin entering the dining area from the serving line, and pausing.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking past the camera toward Susan. And Kevin is sitting in the background - blooper.)
(Shot from Susan's perspective of Susan talking to Melissa.)
There was only one sure way to find out.
(Shot of Kevin approaching the camera, as he looks at Susan off-screen. The camera rolls back with him.)
I'd just gather up my courage, walk right up to her, and...
(The camera pans with him as he cuts into Susan's aisle, and pauses. He quickly walks past her.)
(Shot past a girl at the table as Kevin sits down and sighs.)
Eavesdrop.
(Kevin and the girl look at each other. The girl looks ill and hurriedly exits with her orange, leaving her lunch bag on the table.)
(Closer shot of Kevin watching her exit off-screen. Kevin glances forward, then tilts his chair backwards, and listens to Susan talk to a girl.)
SUSAN (V/O): I swear...
(Kevin smiles.)
(Shot of Susan, and Kevin tilted back.)
SUSAN: Donald can be so stuck-up sometimes. I told him so, too.
(Close shot of Kevin glancing off in thought.)
Good - rumor confirmed. Now all I had to do was get her to notice old unstuck-up Kevin Arnold.
(Shot past Melissa of Susan, and Kevin in the background.)
SUSAN: Well, I gotta get going, now. See y'all later.
(Susan stands up.)
GIRL: Bye.
(Susan exits.)
(Close shot from in front of Kevin. He looks over his shoulder, and falls backwards. Kids laugh and applaud.)
(Shot of Kevin lying on his back, frowning.)
Or, I could just lie here until school was over, and ask the janitor to let me out.
(Kevin looks at Linda off-screen.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Linda looking down at him.)
LINDA: Nice move overall, but your back was slightly arched on the dismount.
(Shot from above Kevin as he sighs.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Linda looking down at him.)
LINDA: I'll give it a "nine."
(Shot from above Kevin.)
KEVIN: The chair broke, OK?
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Linda looking down at him.)
LINDA: They'll do that on ya.
(Shot past Linda as Kevin frowns and stands up, and looks after Susan.)
LINDA: I don't think she saw you, anyway.
(Kevin dusts off his hands, then frowns and gestures.)
KEVIN: Who?
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: Susan Fisher!
(She smiles and chews her mouthful.)
(Shot past Linda of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: What makes you think I'd care if Susan Fisher saw me?
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: Oh, I don't know - a wild guess. (Smiles.)
(Shot past Linda of Kevin frowning.)
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: Boy, when it comes to women...
(Linda frowns.)
LINDA: You don't know anything, do you?
(Shot past Linda of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: What do you mean by that?
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: I mean you're technique is a little off. (Nods.)
(Shot past Linda of Kevin frowning.)
LINDA: But don't worry - it's correctable.
(Shot past Kevin of Linda as she nods and smiles.)
LINDA: You just need a little advice.
(Shot past Linda of Kevin smiling.)
KEVIN: Hnnh - me? (Gestures.) Are you kidding? Why would I need advice?
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: Sorry - you're right. What was I thinking of?
(Linda frowns.)
LINDA: Seeya, Mr. Smooth.
(She waves as she exits.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking over his shoulder after Linda off-screen.)
How do you like that? Advice - what a joke!
Cut to
Science Class
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Susan and Donald at their table. Donald moves toward Susan, and Susan turns away. Donald frowns.)
(Kevin leans forward into the foreground, looking at Susan, then turns to Linda.)
KEVIN: So, what's your advice?
(Shot of Kevin and Linda. She is resting on her elbows, pouring a liguid into a test-tube.)
LINDA: You want to ask Susan Fisher to the dance, don't you?
KEVIN: Well...I...
LINDA: Come on, don't kid a kidder - women know these things. You want to ask Susan, but you don't know what to say...
(Close shot of Kevin looking down.)
KEVIN: Well...
(Close shot of Linda looking at Kevin off-screen.)
LINDA: And you're afraid you gonna make a fool of yourself.
(Shot from in front of Kevin and Linda.)
LINDA: Correct?
(Kevin pauses, as Linda puts the test-tube in the rack.)
KEVIN: Kinda...(Nods.)
"Kinda"? This girl was reading my mind like a phone-book.
(Close shot of Kevin.)
KEVIN: So, how should I do it?
LINDA: Let's see...(frowns)...how about something like...(smiles)..."Hi, Susan, I was wondering if you'd like to go to the dance with me?"
(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)
KEVIN: Really?
(Close shot of Linda.)
LINDA: Works for me! Just be casual.
(Shot of Kevin listening.)
LINDA (V/O): Don't look anxious or nervous.
(Close shot of Linda.)
LINDA: Be yourself.
(Close shot of Kevin looking off, then smiling.)
KEVIN: You think she'll say "yes"?
(Close shot of Linda looking up from her project.)
LINDA: That depends whether or not she wants to go to the dance with you. (Frowns.)
(Close shot of Kevin.)
KEVIN: I'm serious!
(Close shot of Linda. She shrugs.)
LINDA: Well, why not? You're a cute guy. (Smiles.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling, then looking down.)
(Close shot of Linda looking at Kevin off-screen.)
LINDA: But don't let it go to your head.
(Shot of Kevin frowning slightly.)
(Close shot of Linda looking at Kevin off-screen.)
LINDA: Look - there's only one way to find out. Just march right up and ask her.
(Close shot of Kevin looking off in thought.)
Sounded simple enough.
Cut to
Hallway
(Shot of Kevin walking up the hallway, smiling.)
Just march right up and ask her.
(Kevin rounds the corner. He looks up in surprise and half hides behind the corner.)
(Wide shot from Kevin's perspective of Susan alone at her locker.)
(Close shot of Susan flipping through her notebook.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking past the corner.)
As soon as I had the nerve.
Listen to that conversation.
(Wider shot as Paul approaches from behind, and sighs.)
PAUL: Carla's mad at me.
(Kevin glances from Susan to Paul and back.)
KEVIN: Again? (Frowns.)
(Close shot of Paul.)
PAUL: I forgot our three-month anniversary - she was expecting roses.
(Close shot of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: Oh, I'm sorry, Paul, but-
(Close shot of Paul looking at Kevin off-screen.)
PAUL: She knows I'm allergic to flowers!
(Paul glances off, then back.)
PAUL: I'm telling you, I'm seriously thinking about becoming a bachelor again. (Gestures.)
(Close shot of Kevin.)
PAUL (V/O): I mean, look at you!
(Close shot of Paul.)
PAUL: No woman controls your life!
(Close shot of Kevin looking toward Susan off-screen. Sound of a slamming locker.)
(Shot of Susan walking away.)
(Shot of Kevin looking at Paul.)
KEVIN: Paul, I'll talk to you later, OK?
(Shot of Susan walking away.)
(Shot of Paul and Kevin.)
PAUL: What if the day comes when I don't feel like playing miniature golf? (Gestures.)
(Kevin waves at Paul.)
KEVIN: I'll seeya later!
(Kevin hurries past the camera.)
(Shot of Kevin smiling and trotting forward. The camera rolls back with him.)
I couldn't worry about Paul.
(Shot of Susan approaching the stairs, as the camera rolls up on her.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling and passing the camera.)
Right now I had a rendevous with fate.
(Shot of Susan halfway up the stairs as Kevin approaches her.)
KEVIN: Susan!
(Susan stops and turns.)
(Shot past Susan of Kevin as he smiles.)
KEVIN: Hi.
(Shot past Kevin of Susan smiling.)
SUSAN: Hi...
(Susan frowns in thought.)
(Shot past Susan of Kevin as he looks at her expectantly.)
Kevin.
(Shot past Kevin of Susan thinking.)
Kevin!
SUSAN: Kevin. (Smiles.)
(Shot past Susan of Kevin as he smiles.)
Whew!
KEVIN: How are you?
(Shot past Kevin of Susan smiling.)
SUSAN: Fine, thank you. How are you?
(Shot past Susan of Kevin as he glances around in thought.)
Alright! Now devastate her with your wit.
KEVIN: So...could you believe Cantwell today? (Smiles.)
(Shot past Kevin of Susan as she glances off and smiles.)
SUSAN: He's quite the character. (Nods.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling and nodding.)
KEVIN: Yeah.
(Close shot of Susan smiling.)
Good, good.
(Close shot of Kevin nodding and smiling, then glancing off.)
Now Linda said just be myself. So, a little hesitation for just the right effect, and -
KEVIN: So, uh, I was wondering, if you, wanted to go, uh...
(Donald rushes down the stairs between them.)
DONALD: Susan. Susan - we have to talk.
(Shot from behind Kevin as he turns and frowns.)
(Shot of Donald leading Susan a few steps down the hallway, where they face each other.)
SUSAN: Donald! I was talking to Kevin...
(Susan glances at Kevin as Donald leads her away.)
(Close shot of Kevin watching them off-screen.)
Unbelievable. I'd blown a golden opportunity - and whose fault was it?
Cut to
Outside school
(Shot from outside of the door. Three students file out, followed by Kevin and Linda.)
LINDA: Mine?
(Kevin slows up, then frowns and gestures with both arms.)
KEVIN: I just shouldn't have asked her in the first place.
(Shot past Kevin of Linda smiling.)
LINDA: Seems to me you didn't ask her at all. Seems to me you chickened out. (Smiles.)
(Shot past Linda of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: I didn't chicken out! Just that I think she's back together with Donald, that's all.
(Shot past Kevin of Linda frowning.)
LINDA: Oh...
(Shot past Linda of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: Look, it's no big deal anyway...(shrugs)...I'm just not going to the dance. (Gestures.)
LINDA: Oh...
(Kevin heads toward his bus.)
(Shot past Kevin of Linda frowning, as Kevin walks away. She turns toward Kevin off-screen.)
(Shot from Linda's perspective of Kevin walking quickly toward the bus in the background.)
(Close shot of Linda looking at Kevin off-screen, then smiling slightly, and walking out of the shot.)
LINDA (V/O): Hey!
(Shot of Kevin pausing and turning around, as Linda hurries up to him.)
LINDA: Want to hear a stupid idea?
KEVIN: What?
(Shot past Kevin of Linda as she frowns and looks down.)
LINDA: Aw, nah, forget it - it's really stupid.
(Shot past Linda of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Come on, what?
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: Well, I was just thinking...(frowns)...since you're not going to the dance, and I'm not going to the dance...(licks her lip)...why don't we go together? (Smiles.)
(Shot past Linda of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Together?
(Shot past Kevin of Linda smiling.)
LINDA: Yeah.
(She frowns and nods.)
LINDA: As friends.
(Shot past Linda of Kevin.)
KEVIN: As friends?
(Close shot of Linda frowning.)
LINDA: Why not? It might be fun.
(Close shot of Kevin glancing around.)
She did have a point. Another Friday night sharing the couch with Wayne and Delores wasn't exactly enticing.
(Kevin smiles and shakes his head.)
KEVIN: Well, why not?
(Shot past Kevin of Linda smiling.)
LINDA: Great!
(Linda walks off past Kevin. He smiles and turns after her.)
Sure...
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Linda getting on her bus.)
Why shouldn't two friends go to a dance together?
(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)
And to think I'd almost humiliated myself by asking -
SUSAN (V/O): Kevin?
(Close shot from behind Kevin as he quickly turns around, surprised.)
(Close shot of Susan.)
SUSAN: Where did you run off to?
(Shot past Susan of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: I, uh...
(Shot past Kevin of Susan.)
SUSAN: I thought you were gonna ask me somethin'.
(Shot past Susan of Kevin.)
KEVIN: I was?
(Shot past Kevin of Susan.)
SUSAN: Somethin' about...science class?
(She looks at Kevin expectantly and bites her lip.)
(Shot past Susan of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Oh...that. Um, just...
(Shot of Susan looking at Kevin expectantly.)
(Shot past Susan of Kevin glancing off.)
OK, now - keep calm! Say something...brilliant!
KEVIN: What's the atomic weight of barium?
Ah...hah!
(Shot past Kevin of Susan as she frowns and shrugs.)
SUSAN: I'm sure I don't know...(Smiles.)
(Shot past Susan of Kevin glancing off.)
KEVIN: Oh.
(He smiles.)
KEVIN: Then, I'll just..look it up.
(Shot past Kevin of Susan as she nods.)
SUSAN: Are you...goin' to the dance on Friday?
(Shot past Susan of Kevin hesitating.)
KEVIN: Yeah. (Nods.) I mean...I-I think so. (Smiles.)
(Shot past Kevin of Susan as she smiles.)
SUSAN: I hope so.
(Close shot of Kevin as he smiles.)
Hahhh?
SUSAN: Maybe you'll...save me a dance, then. (Smiles.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)
(Close shot of Susan smiling.)
SUSAN: OK?
(Susan nod slighly, then turns and walks away.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)
Was she joking - save her a dance? I'd save every tango, every twist...
(Shot from behind Kevin as he turns, smiling, and starts to walk along the bus area.)
Every polka, every frug in the book!
(Kevin glances over his shoulder, then back, still smiling.)
And suddenly my life was complete! This was bliss - no - more than bliss. This was Susan Fisher and me!
(Kevin frowns and pauses as he hears a tapping. He looks toward the bus window off-screen.)
(Shot through the bus window of Linda tapping on it and smiling.)
(Shot from Linda's perspective of Kevin looking over his shoulder.)
And, of course, Linda.
(Kevin smiles, embarrassed, and gives her a little wave.)
(Shot through the window of Linda smiling, as the bus pulls out of the shot.)
(Shot of Kevin frowning, sighing, looking forward, and walking out of the shot.)
Cut to
Gym
(Close shot of Paul grimacing as he does a pull-up.)
PAUL: The strain is killing me!
KEVIN (V/O): Don't give up now.
(Shot of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: It's only two.
(Shot from behind Kevin of Paul hanging from the bar.)
PAUL: No, I mean this whole thing with Carla.
(Shot of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Well, did you get her the roses?
(Shot from behind Kevin of Paul hanging from the bar.)
PAUL: It cost me eight dollars and sixty-seven cents.
(Paul pulls himself up.)
PAUL: Not to mention this rash on my arm.
(Closer shot of Paul.)
PAUL: It's a lucky thing she didn't ask for carnations. Carnations give me shingles.
(Paul drops down.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling and looking off.)
PAUL (V/O): It's getting too complicated, Kev.
(Close shot of Paul hanging from the bar.)
PAUL: Maybe I should break up with her.
(Close shot of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: Paul...
(Close shot of Paul hanging from the bar.)
PAUL: Maybe I'll go to the dance with you.
(Close shot of Kevin frowning.)
(Sound of a whistle.)
KEVIN: I, uh...(frowns)...I can't.
(Close shot of Paul hanging from the bar.)
PAUL: You're going with Susan Fisher?!
(Close shot of Kevin looking off and frowning.)
KEVIN: Not exactly...but, she did ask me to save her a dance. (Smiles.)
(Close shot of Paul hanging from the bar, and smiling.)
PAUL: Alright!
(Close shot of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Except, I...my date is Linda Sloan.
(Close shot of Paul hanging from the bar.)
PAUL: You dog!
(Close shot of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: Huh?
(Close shot of Paul hanging from the bar, shaking his head.)
PAUL: Babes crawling all over you - what a life.
(Close shot of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: Paul, it's not that great, OK?
(Close shot of Paul.)
PAUL: Yeah. Right!
(He pulls himself up again.)
KEVIN (V/O): Paul, really!
(Close shot of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: What am I gonna do - I can't be with two girls at one dance!
(Shot from behind Kevin of Paul hanging from the bar.)
PAUL: I see what you mean. In that case, there's only one solution.
(Paul drops to the floor.)
PAUL: You gotta ditch one of 'em.
(Close shot of Kevin hesitating.)
(Shot past Kevin of Paul.)
PAUL: Hey! It's the only honorable thing to do.
(Close shot of Kevin.)
(Sound of a whistle.)
(Kevin frowns and looks off.)
Cut to
Science Class
(Close shot of Linda's hand and pencil, and Kevin's hand picking up a small beaker. The camera pans up as Kevin pours a chemical into a bigger beaker.)
Honorable, sure...
(Shot past the beakers of Linda looking up.)
But I wasn't gonna just ditch Linda.
(Close shot of Kevin looking at her off-screen, then looking off.)
I was thinking of a more gallant plan of action. I was gonna weasel my way out of this.
(Shot of Linda and Kevin.)
LINDA: So what time are you picking me up tomorrow night?
(Linda takes some tongs and picks up some dry-ice.)
KEVIN: Uh, Linda? Did we say we were definitely, definitely, going together?
(Shot past Kevin of Linda frowning.)
LINDA: I thought so. Why?
(Shot past Linda of Kevin looking off.)
KEVIN: Uh, nothing. It's -
(Shot past Kevin as Linda points at him with the tong of dry-ice.)
LINDA: I hope you're not trying to weasel your way out of this.
(Close shot of Kevin looking off, then frowning at the dry-ice.)
(Shot past Kevin of Linda frowning.)
LINDA (V/O): Cuz I already turned down Steve Padway.
(She drops the dry-ice into the beaker.)
(Shot past Linda of Kevin frowning.)
KEVIN: Steve Padway asked you to the dance?
(Shot past Kevin of Linda gesturing with the tongs.)
LINDA: After you and I decided to go. I wasn't about to let you down.
(Shot past Linda of Kevin frowning and looking off.)
LINDA: Look, if you want...
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: I'll wear a sign that says "Kevin Arnold is just my friend". (Nods.) OK?
(Shot past Linda of Kevin nodding.)
KEVIN: I'll pick you up at seven-thirty.
(Shot past Kevin of Linda as she smiles.)
LINDA: Great!
Cut to
Linda's House
(Shot of the front of Linda's house, as Kevin walk past the camera toward the front door.)
OK. So I'd failed as a weasel. Linda was right - I couldn't let a friend down.
(Kevin rings the doorbell.)
(Close shot of Kevin glancing around.)
LINDA (V/O): I'll get it, Mom!
Besides, it's not like I had to worry about getting flowers to match her dress.
(Kevin smiles a little in expectation.)
This was sorta like going to the dance with Paul.
(Shot past Kevin of the door as Linda opens it and smiles.)
LINDA: Hi!
(Close shot of Kevin looking pleasantly surprised.)
Only not at all.
(Shot past Kevin of Linda smiling.)
(Close shot of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Hi...
(Close shot of Linda.)
LINDA: Would you like to come in for a second?
(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)
KEVIN: Sure!
(Shot from behind Kevin as he enters, and Linda closes the door.)
Cut to
Int. Night - Linda's Living Room
(Close shot of two hands holding a picture of Linda at helm of a boat at a marina.)
(Close shot of Kevin holding the picture, and smiling at Linda off-screen.)
KEVIN: You sail?
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: Yeah, my family goes every summer. I was in a competition last year.
(Shot of them standing face-to-face. Linda holds a small box. Kevin looks at the picture and smiles.)
KEVIN: You never told me that!
LINDA: Here, I got something for you.
(Shot past Kevin of Linda frowning.)
LINDA: It was either this or one of those plastic lizards. (Smiles.)
(Close shot past Linda of Kevin looking down, as Linda pins a red carnation on Kevin's shirt.)
The amazing thing is, even with the pretty dress and all the make-up...
(Shot of them in profile as she pins the carnation on his shirt.)
And even though she was pinning a flower on my lapel...
(Shot past Kevin as Linda smiles at him.)
And even though her hair smelled like new-mown hay in a tropical garden on the first day of spring...
(Shot past Linda of Kevin looking at her.)
(Shot past Kevin as Linda steps back.)
LINDA: There!
(Shot past Linda of Kevin looking at her, then smiling.)
(Shot past Kevin as Linda smiles.)
She was still the same old Linda.
(Shot past Linda of Kevin looking at her.)
My buddy.
(Shot past Kevin of Linda smiling.)
My pal.
Cut to
The Dance
(Close shot of a hanging mirrored ball. "You Love, Keep Lifting Me Higher" plays. The camera pans down to the crowded room.)
(Shot of Kevin and Linda walking across the room. The camera rolls back with them.)
KEVIN: Twenty-foot waves?!
LINDA: The boat was going crazy! If we hadn't cut the sheet, we would have gone over for sure!
KEVIN: Oh, it must be great out there on the high-seas like that! Ya know, someday I'm gonna take a boat around the world!
LINDA: A sailboat?
KEVIN: Yeah, I think so - me and my dad. (Smiles.)
(The pause.)
LINDA: Have you plotted your course yet?
(Shot past Linda of Kevin glancing off, then.)
KEVIN: Well, we haven't really talked about it alot, yet.
(He smiles and nods, then glances off.)
Actually, I had never said that out loud to anyone in my life.
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: I've got this really great atlas you can borrow sometime if you want.
(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)
KEVIN: Sure!
OK - I admit it, I was having fun.
(He glances off and back, smiling.)
At least - more than I expected.
(Close shot of Linda smiling.)
(Close shot of the punchbowl. The camera pans up to Paul, who is filling his cup, and sorta dancing softly with himself.)
(Paul moves around the table for a snack, as Kevin and Linda approach.)
PAUL: Hey guys! Where have you been?
KEVIN: Paul, where's Carla?
(Close shot of Paul smiling excitedly.)
PAUL: History. I broke up with her - I'm a free man!
(Close shot of Kevin and Linda, as Kevin looks at Linda, frowns, and looks toward Paul off-screen.)
KEVIN: What?!
LINDA: But you guys were so good together.
(Close shot of Paul.)
PAUL: Hey, there's other fish in the sea...
(Shot past Paul of Kevin and Linda.)
PAUL: Boy, this is gonna be great! The babes...the music. (Gestures.)
(Close shot of Paul smiling.)
PAUL: I gotta got out there and sow my wild oats!
(Close shot of Kevin and Linda as Paul exits past them.)
(Linda turns to Kevin and frowns.)
LINDA: Wild oats?
(Shot past Linda of Kevin.)
KEVIN: It's just an expression. (Smiles.)
(Shot past Kevin of Linda as they look toward Paul off-screen.)
LINDA: He's fooling himself. He's not gonna be happy. (Shrugs.)
(Linda looks at Kevin.)
LINDA: He'll miss her.
(Shot from in front of them as Kevin looks past the camera.)
(Shot of them in profile, past the punchbowl, as Steve Padway approaches.)
STEVE: Linda?
LINDA: Hi, Steve.
KEVIN: Padway, what do you want?
(Close shot of Steve, smiling.)
STEVE: Uh, would you like to dance with me?
(He glances at Kevin.)
STEVE: Well, if you don't mind, Kevin.
("Crimson and Clover" starts.)
(Shot of Kevin and Linda as she at Kevin expectantly. Kevin glances between Linda and Steve, as he hesitates.)
Of course I could have said "no" - technically, I mean. Still...
KEVIN: Hey...(gestures)...you don't need my permission.
(Linda turns and smiles at Steve off-screen.)
LINDA: I'd love to, Steve.
(Shot of the three in profile.)
STEVE: Great!
(Steve turns and walks off to the dance-floor.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling and looking at Steve off-screen, as Linda looks at Kevin.)
LINDA: Thanks alot! (Smiles.)
(Kevin frowns playfully.)
KEVIN: He's crazy about you. It's obvious! (Shrugs.)
(Shot of Steve a litle ways of, smiling at Linda off-screen.)
(Shot of Kevin and Linda.)
LINDA: Yeah, right! Now what am I supposed to do?
KEVIN: Just be yourself - works for me.
(Shot past Kevin as Linda smiles and starts to walk away.)
(Close shot of Kevin as Linda exits past the camera.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspective as Linda joins Steve.)
(Close shot of Kevin as he watches them, off-screen.)
It was strange. Watching Linda dance with Steve Padway, I felt almost...
(Close shot of Steve. The camera pans down to Linda, who looks at Kevin, shaking her head.)
Well, I mean, she was...funny.
(She sticks her tongue out and shrugs.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)
And smart.
(Close shot of Linda. Steve has his eyes closed, and head tilted over on hers. She smiles at Kevin.)
And comfortable.
(Close shot of Kevin.)
And she -
SUSAN: Kevin?
(Kevin turns and looks over his shoulder as Susan approaches.)
(Shot of both of them next to the punchbowl.)
SUSAN: Hi...
(Shot past Susan of Kevin.)
Humunuh-humunuh-humunuh.
(Shot past Kevin of Susan.)
SUSAN: Ready for our dance? (Smiles.)
(Shot past Susan of Kevin smiling.)
Was Rhett Butler ready for Scarlett O'Hara?
(Shot of both, as she holds her hand out and Kevin takes it.)
Was Anthony ready for Cleopatra?
(Kevin smiles, and leads Susan out of the shot toward the dance-floor.)
(Shot of dancing couples as Kevin and Susan approach, pause, and engage each other.)
And as we stepped out onto that dance-floor, I was prepared to take my place among the world's greatest romances.
(Susan leans her head on Kevin's shoulder, and they start to dance. The camera circles with them as they turn. Kevin is smiling.)
No more admiring Susan from the distance. She was here, in my arms. The perfect woman...the perfect song. The perfect moment.
(Fade to another, similar, shot of them dancing.)
(Fade to a close shot of Kevin and Susan tapping their cups together. The camera pulls back, and they smile at each other, standing next to the punchbowl.)
KEVIN: Cheers.
SUSAN: Cheers. (Nods.)
To us.
(Shot past Susan of Kevin looking at her and smiling.)
I wanted to enjoy this moment forever.
(Shot past Kevin of Susan smiling.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)
Kevin Arnold, with Susan Fisher.
(Close shot of Susan smiling.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)
Kevin Arnold, with the girl of his dreams.
(Close shot of Susan smiling.)
(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)
Kevin Arnold with...
(Kevin looks down.)
(Wide shot of both, as Kevin sips his drink, as Susan looks off, restlessly.)
Absolutely nothing to talk about.
(Susan looks at Kevin and holds her cup out.)
SUSAN: Would you hold this a minute? I'll be right back. (Nods.)
(Shot past Susan of Kevin.)
KEVIN: No sweat.
(Close shot of Susans as she smiles and exits.)
(Shot of Kevin frowning and shaking his head.)
"No sweat"?
(Wider shot of Kevin and the punchbowl as Linda approaches.)
LINDA: Where'd you disappear to?
(Close shot of Kevin looking a little surprised.)
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
KEVIN: Linda...hi.
(Shot past Linda of Kevin.)
KEVIN: How was your dance with Steve?
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: It was OK. (Nods.)
(Shot past Linda as Kevin smiles and starts to sip his drink.)
(Shot fo both as Linda reaches for the other cup.)
LINDA: For me?
(Kevin pulls the cup back.)
KEVIN: No - this is Susan's!
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: Oh.
(Close shot of Kevin.)
(Close shot of Linda glancing away.)
(Close shot of Kevin.)
Maybe I didn't say that in exactly the right way.
(Kevin frowns and shakes his head.)
KEVIN: She's...gonna be right back. I mean, she already drank out of it...(frowns)...But there's more! (Nods.)
(Shot past Kevin of Linda. She looks down as Kevin turns to the punchbowl.)
(Shot from behind Linda as Kevin ladles punch into the cup.)
At that moment I guess I felt like crawling into that punch bowl and pulling the ice-cubes over my head.
(Kevin pauses.)
But I knew I couldn't.
(Close shot of Linda looking down.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking down.)
(Close shot of Linda looking down, then at Kevin off-screen.)
LINDA: She's not so great, you know.
(Close shot of Kevin looking down, then at Linda off-screen.)
(Close shot of Linda looking at Kevin, then down.)
(Close shot of Kevin shaking his head.)
KEVIN: Linda, I -
(Close shot of Linda shaking her head.)
LINDA: Don't say it.
(She looks at Kevin off-screen.)
("Unchained Melody" starts and plays throughout.)
LINDA: I understand.
(Close shot of Kevin looking at her off-screen.)
(Close shot of Linda as she looks off.)
LINDA: So, uh...
(Linda turns back to Kevin off-screen.)
LINDA: You don't mind if I go find Steve Padway, do you?
(Shot past Linda of Kevin as he glances off, then back.)
KEVIN: I don't mind. (Shrugs.)
(Shot past Kevin of Linda.)
LINDA: I'll seeya in science class.
(Shot of both as she exits.)
(Kevin leans back on the table, looks down and frowns.)
It was the first heart I'd ever broken. And in a way, my own heart was aching a little, too.
(Kevin looks toward Linda off-screen.)
It didn't seem...fair. I really liked Linda, but the fact was...
(Kevin glances down then, toward the dance-floor.)
I just didn't feel about her the way...
(Shot of Susan and Donald dancing. They pull back a little and smile and nod.)
Susan Fisher felt about Donald Wallach.
(Close shot of Kevin looking toward them off-screen.)
(Shot of Susan and Donald dancing.)
Maybe she'd just been toying with me, or maybe she'd used me to get back with Donald.
(Close shot of Kevin glancing off.)
In any event, it was pretty clear...
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Paul moping in the bleachers, alone, tearing pieces of his cup.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking off.)
Paul wasn't the only one who had been fooling himself.
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Paul.)
(There is some feed-back from the public-address system.)
CARLA (On the speaker): This dance is for Paul...
(Paul pauses and looks up.)
CARLA (On the speaker): From Carla...(Giggles).
(Paul stands up excitedly. Music to the foreground. Paul smiles and looks around.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking off.)
(Fade to slow-motion shot of couples dancing.)
All our young lives we search for someone to love.
(Fade to slow-mo shot of Kevin looking off.)
(Fade to slow-mo shot past a couple, of Carla and Paul dancing.)
Someone who makes us complete.
(Fade to slow-mo shot of Kevin glancing down, then toward Susan and Doanld off-screen.)
(Fade to slo-mo shot of Susan and Donald dancing, and smiling.)
We choose partners, and change partners.
(Fade to slo-mo shot of Kevin glancing toward Linda and Steve off-screen.)
(Fade to slo-mo shot of Linda and Steve, as she reaches up and puts her hands on his shoulders.)
We dance to a song of heartbreak, and hope.
(Fade to regular speed shot of Kevin walking forward, glancing around. The camera rolls back with him.)
All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect...who might be searching for us...
(Close shot of Winnie as she enters the dance. The camera rolls next to her as she smiles and waves at a passing girl. She continues to walk.)
(Shot of couples dancing, as Kevin walks into the shot from one side, glancing around, and Winnie enters from the opposite side.)
(Kevin crosses in front of one couple, as Winnie crosses behind them.)
(The camera pulls up and back as Kevin walks away toward the exit, and Winnie walks through the middle of the crowd, looking around.)
Fade to
CLOSING CREDITS
Music
"Your Love, Keep Lifting Me Higher" - Jackie Wilson
"Crimson and Clover" - Tommy James & The Shondells
"Unchained Melody" - The Righteous Brothers
Supporting Cast
Linda Sloan - Maia Brewton
Susan Fisher - Kelly Packard
Donald Wallach - Sean Wohland
Steve Padway - Andy Howard
Next Episode
Titles/Transcripts
Episode Info
Wonder Years Menu
01/02/05 15:35