Paul Pfeiffer



(Ep 33 - "Rock 'n Roll")

(In the cafeteria.)
"The Electric Shoes"? (Frowns.)
Yeah.
"The Electric Shoes"?
Yes! (Frowns.) "The Electric Shoes"! (Gestures.) We're called "The Electric Shoes", OK?
Why?
Because we -
(Kevin pauses, nods, then frowns.)
What difference does it make?
Well...(gestures)...it just doesn't make any sense!
Boy! Talk about a couple of stick in the muds.<BR> Paul! Does "Strawberry Alarm Clock" make any sense? (Nods.) Does "Vanilla Fudge"...make any sense?
So, ya any good? (Smiles.)
Look, Paul - we practiced once, awright? (Frowns.) Do you think the Beatles sounded so great the first time they played?
I just hope you don't make a complete fool out of yourself.
I don't know. I guess I could see Kevin as a musician.
Well, well, well. What have we here? Potential groupie material?
You know...I think he kinda looks like Paul McCartney.
He does? (Frowns.)
Yeah.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Pfeiffer!
Actually...he looks more like Donnie Osmond. (Nods.)
(With Narr.): Huh?
I just hope you don't make a complete fool out of yourself.

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(Ep 34 - "Don't You Know Anything About Women?")

In the game of life, there are few certainties.
(Paul reads a game card.)
"Car Accident. Pay five-thousand dollars if not insured." Cough it up, Carla. Your turn, Kev.
In fact, most things are left to chance.
"Get Married". Gimme a pink one.
Who is she, Kevin?
Marsha Brady. No, no! Nancy Sinatra. (Giggles.)
There's someone for everyone, we're told. But the search for that one person to ride through life beside you is serious business. Especially when you're thirteen.
Paul? It's your turn.
It's a matter of trial, error...and pure dumb luck.
*
Never get involved, Kev.
What's the matter, Paul? Carla problems?
She wants me to take her miniature golfing! (Gestures.)
So?
So? I just took her miniature golfing. (Gestures.) The woman is killing me! I mean, she has me on a leash!
Uh-huh.
You had to take Paul's belly-aching with a grain of salt - the guy was really happy only when he was hen-pecked.
Women!
Well, Paul, if you're so miserable, why don't you just break up with her? (Frowns.)
I should. (Nods.) You know, I really should. But then who am I gonna take to the dance Friday night? I mean, I can't go alone...nobody goes alone.
Well, almost nobody.
So who are you goin' with?
Oh, I...I'm not sure yet.
Oh, I get it. (Smiles.) You're plannin' your move, huh...checkin' out the field...(Nods.)
Yeah! Kinda. (Nods.)
Actually, I'd resigned myself to spending the evening watching Craig Hobson drop dead flies in the punchbowl.
I know...why don't you ask her?
(Paul nods directionally.)
Susan Fisher? Are you nuts? (Frowns.)
Why not? (Shrugs.) She's available.
Paul, she happens to be joined at the hip to Donald Wallach! (Frowns.)
Man, you gotta put yourself in the loop! (Frowns.) Donald and Susan broke up. Carla heard it from Melissa Bemil yesterday at lunch. Go ahead, ask her. (Smiles.)
No...I couldn't.
Come on, take a chance. (Shrugs.) You only live once.
*
(Lockers.)
Carla's mad at me.
Again? (Frowns.)
I forgot our three-month anniversary - she was expecting roses.
Oh, I'm sorry, Paul, but-
She knows I'm allergic to flowers! I'm telling you, I'm seriously thinking about becoming a bachelor again. (Gestures.) I mean, look at you! No woman controls your life!
(In the distance, Susan is walking away.)
Paul, I'll talk to you later, OK?
What if the day comes when I don't feel like playing miniature golf? (Gestures.)
I'll seeya later! (Exits.)
*
(In gym, Paul grimaces as he does a pull-up.)
The strain is killing me!
Don't give up now. (Frowns.) It's only two.
(Paul hangs from the bar.)
No, I mean this whole thing with Carla.
Well, did you get her the roses?
It cost me eight dollars and sixty-seven cents.
(Paul pulls himself up.)
Not to mention this rash on my arm. It's a lucky thing she didn't ask for carnations. Carnations give me shingles. It's getting too complicated, Kev. Maybe I should break up with her.
Paul...(Frowns.)
Maybe I'll go to the dance with you.
I, uh...(frowns)...I can't.
You're going with Susan Fisher?!
Not exactly...but, she did ask me to save her a dance. (Smiles.)
Alright! (Smiles.)
Except, I...my date is Linda Sloan.
You dog!
Huh? (Frowns.)
Babes crawling all over you - what a life.
Paul, it's not that great, OK? (Frowns.)
Yeah. Right!
(He pulls himself up again.)
Paul, really! (Frowns.) What am I gonna do - I can't be with two girls at one dance!
I see what you mean. In that case, there's only one solution.
(He drops to the floor.)
You gotta ditch one of 'em. Hey! It's the only honorable thing to do.
*
(At the dance, Paul is filling his cup, and sorta dancing softly with himself. Kevin and Linda approach.)
Hey guys! Where have you been?
Paul, where's Carla?
(Paul smiles excitedly.)
History. I broke up with her - I'm a free man!
What?!
But you guys were so good together.
Hey, there's other fish in the sea. Boy, this is gonna be great! The babes...the music. (Smiles.) I gotta got out there and sow my wild oats! (Exits.)

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(Ep 35 - "The Powers That Be")

(In science class, Mr. Cory puts two burlap sacks of potatoes on the students desks.)
Let's pass them out. Pass 'em backwards!
(Paul turns toward Kevin.)
What's he doing?
Got me...
Fact is, I was wondering what I was doing, sitting in Mr. Cory's classroom - when I could be home playing with a puppy.
*
Your dog ate your homework...
I-I know it sounds crazy, but...
Mr. Cory...I've known him for thirteen years. He doesn't lie about stuff like this.

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(Ep 36 - "She, My Friend, and I")

(Cafeteria. Paul rests his chin in his hand and looks down.)
She dumped me.
Paul!
She dumped me!
Paul, snap out of it!
She...dumped...me.
Wanna talk about it?
She said she needed more time with her friends. She said I was suffocating her. I thought she wanted to be suffocated!
(Paul looks off and sighs.)
What am I gonna do?
Paul was in pain. I had to come up with something sensitive.
You want an ice-cream sandwich? (Smiles.) How about after school we go to the movies?
(Paul sighs and looks down.)
Carla and I used to go to the movies...
It was worse than I thought.
(Paul blows bubbles in his chocolate milk.)
Paul you can't let Carla see you like this! You want her to feel sorry for you?
(Paul looks up excitedly.)
You think she would? (Smiles.)
Nah, that's not what I meant. You just can't sit around looking pathetic! (Frowns.) You have to do something.
Like what?
Well, maybe...you have to make her jealous!
Huh?
Maybe, uh...go out with somebody else.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I should do it!
(Paul shrugs and smiles excitedly.)
I can do it, can't I?
Of course you can.
Yeah, I can. (Nods.)
So. Let's see. Who you gonna ask?
Uh...
Well, who do you like?
Carla...(Sighs.)
I was losing him. If Paul was gonna be saved, there was no time to waste.
(Cut to gym class.)
Unfortunately, the Board of Education insisted on it.
In wrestling, men...the most important muscle to utilize...
(He points to his head.)
Is right here.
How about Allison Heath? I saw her watching you in English.
Too dumb. (Frowns.)
OK...Angela Lands. She's smart.
Her head's too...(shrugs)...ovalish.
OK - Johnson, Oasley - on the mat!
Jill Simons! She's pretty without her glasses.
She reminds me of a banana. (Frowns.)
So...we narrowed it down to no stupid, oval-headed, or fruit-shaped women.
(Mr. Cutlip blows his whistle at the wrestling boys.)
Concentrate!
Come on, Paul! Are you gonna put down every girl in this class?
Well, no...(smiles)...not everyone.
Who did I leave off? (Frowns.)
I'd rather not say. (Smiles.)
Why? Why, do you like her?
Well, maybe...(shrugs)...a little...
This is perfect! You gotta go out with her.
(Paul shakes his head.)
I'm not gonna ask her out.
Paul, who is it? (Smiles.)
(Paul smiles and looks off.)
Winnie Cooper.
(Cut to the locker room.)
Winnie Cooper. Really.
Well, I've known her a long time, and...we're already friends. So...and it wouldn't be like a "date" date.
OK - that was reasonable...
Well...(gestures)...maybe you should ask her out. (Smiles.)
Nah - bad idea.
Why? (Gestures.)
For one thing, the whole idea of me and Winnie - that's ridiculous.
Uh-huh. That was true.
And besides, there's the other thing.
What other thing? (Frowns.)
Well, aren't you...I mean...don't you still -
Paul, your telling me you wouldn't go out with Winnie...(nods)...just because you think I'm still -
It doesn't matter. I couldn't ask her, anyway.
Well, maybe Paul couldn't...
*
(On the bus. Paul is looking off as Kevin sits next to him.)
So. What's up?
(Paul turns toward him absent-mindedly.)
Me? Nothing. (Smiles.)
Uh-huh. Like I didn't know.
Winnie Cooper just asked me to the movies.
You're kidding!
I mean, isn't this an amazing coincidence? I mean, we were just talking about her! And now she goes and asks me out.
Pretty amazing! (Smiles.)
I mean, she asked me out! (Smiles.) Winnie Cooper asked me out! (Nods.)
OK, OK - I got the picture! Heck - I painted it!
Look, Kev...if there's a problem, just say the word...and I'll just forget about the whole thing. (Gestures.)
Look, Paul, we've been all through this. I'm glad she asked you out! (Smiles.)
You are? You sure? (Smiles.)
I'm sure. (Smiles.)
Great! (Smiles.)
And it was great. Great to see Paul smiling again. Well, grinning, actually. More like...beaming.
*
(Lockers.)
How'd it go last night?
Fine. (Smiles.)
Fine? OK - fine was good. Fine was fine! Fine was...
Isn't it a great day? (Smiles.)
Huh?
Isn't it amazing how one day you feel like you can't get any lower, and the next day...you're great?! (Smiles.)
So...heard from Carla yet? (Smiles.)
Huh? Oh, no. Not yet. Not a word.
You'll probably run into her at lunch. You two'll probably be back together by the weekend.
I don't think so.
(Paul closes his locker.)
Why not?
(Paul turns away dreamily.)
I'm busy this weekend.
(Paul starts to walk away.)
I got a date. (Smiles.)
Hmmm...
*
(Library.)
Carla's a dear friend.
Well, see...I'm not sure she exactly sees it that way. As a matter of fact she told me -
Here it is! (Points.) Icarus!
Paul, you're not even listening to me.
Sorry, Kev. I brought this book for Winnie. Mythology. (Nods.) She really likes Greek mythology. But you probably know that. (Frowns.)
Of course I know that! (Frowns.)
The fact is, Winnie never told me anything about mythology.
In my opinion...(nods)...the Greeks did have the best gods.
Yeah, that's great, but... (Frowns.)
(Paul looks off and puts his hand under his chin.)
I wonder what she'll look like when she's old.
Paul, we really have to talk. (Frowns.)
Sure! (Gestures.) Fire away.
(Winnie approaches.)
Winnie!
(Paul holds up the book.)
Look! It's Icarus! (Points.)
(Winnie smiles slightly at Paul, then frowns slightly at Kevin.)
I have to go.
Where ya goin'?
I don't know. (Exits.)
All I knew is I was in no mood for mythology.
*
(Gym class.)
You remember what we talked about the other day? (Frowns.) About Winnie?
Sure...what part?
Well, the part where you said - all I had to do was say the word...and then, you'd forget about the whole thing.
Oh...
So, would you? (Frowns.)
That depends. Are we talking hypothetically?
Whatever.
This was it. Here was Paul's chance to show where he really stood.
I don't know...A few days ago, I would have said "yes".
Oh, so now you're saying "no". (Nods.)
No, that's not what I'm not saying. I'm just saying -
Pfeiffer! Arnold! On the mat!
(They stand up.)
You're saying "no" - why don't you just admit it?!
Why don't you come out and admit that you like her? (Gestures.)
Because I don't!
Good! Because I do!
Let's see if you can exercise something other than your lips!
(Paul hands his glasses to a boy.)
Here.
And there you had it. Reasonable men. Agreeing to disagree.
Speed...balance...science. And...wrestle! (Gestures.)
(Kevin and Paul run up to each other, then fall to the ground and skirmish.)
Hey! Men! Men! (Sighs.) Boys - that's not...wrestling!
Give!
Give!
Give!
You give!
You give - I'm not givin'...

*
(At night, Kevin sees Paul and Winnie on her porch.)
There they were. My best friend, and my best girl. I'd brought them together. And now I had no right to interfere.
(Winnie goes inside and closes the door. Paul stands up and walks along the house. Kevin rides over on his bike. Paul walks with his head down.)
Paul?
(They stop.)
Yeah?
It was time to offer my congratulations. It was the decent thing to do. It's what Mr. Ed would do.
Look. I'm sorry about what happened in gym. (Shrugs.) I guess I...sorta...lost my head, ya know? Anyway...and for what it's worth...I hope you and Winnie will be very happy. OK?
She dumped me.
Huh? (Frowns.)
She dumped me.
She did? (Frowns.)
We decided just to be friends. Well, actually...she decided. (Shrugs.) Anyway, it's over.
After three lousy dates? (Frowns.)
Wait a minute. What was I saying here?
It's OK. Really. It wasn't personal. She just...(shrugs)...likes somebody else.
Oh...
I should have known. I mean, it was pretty obvious. But, hey...
(Paul looks at Kevin.)
I had to take a shot. Right? The thing I can't figure is...(shrugs)...why she asked me out in the first place. Can you?
Well...Yeah. She...told me she thinks you're cute.
She said that?
(Kevin nods. Paul smiles slightly, and starts to walk forward.)
Paul? Did she say who it was?
(Paul shakes his head.)
I can't tell you. She made me promise.
Come on, Paul, I -
But suddenly I knew. He didn't have to tell me.
(Paul looks down.)
It was written all over his face.
(Paul looks at Kevin.)
Sorry about that scissors-lock. (Frowns.)
It's OK. (Gestures.) Never felt a thing.
Yeah, sure. I heard you wimperin'.
In your dreams! (Smiles.)
(Paul smiles and walks off.)

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(Ep 37 - "St. Valentine's Day Massacre")

See, I knew Winnie was crazy about me. She'd said so to Paul. But for some reason, now, she was having trouble saying exactly how she felt.
You're rude, insensitive, thoughtless, and smug! (Exits.)
There! See what I mean?
She didn't really mean it. Did she?
Don't ask me - I got problems of my own.
(Paul spots Carla.)
Carla!
*
Paul? (Frowns.) What's that?
A valentine - for Carla.
Come on, Paul - this isn't kindergarten. (Gestures.) She's never gonna fall for that. (Frowns.)
You got any better ideas?
No...but that'll never work.
(Cut to the hallway. Carla smiles and holds the valentine to her chest.)
Oh, Paul! This is the sweetest thing!
(Paul smiles as Carla hugs him. Kevin and Hobson watch from a distance.)
Like I said - pathetic!
(As Paul and Carla hug, Paul smiles and gives Kevin the "thumbs up" sign.)

*
(Cafeteria. Paul holds a heart-shaped box.)
Look what Carla gave me. (Frowns.) Course, chocolates make my face swell up like a dead fish, but wasn't that sweet? (Smiles.)
Very sweet...
(Kevin smirks and looks off.)
You know what? (Nods.) I think love is even better the second time around!
Congratulations! (Frowns.)
There's Carla. Gotta go. (Exits.)

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(Ep 38 - "The Treehouse")

In junior high school...looks mean a lot. There's the look of love. The look of rejection. The thrill of victory. The agony of defeat. But there was one look that was different. A once-in-a-lifetime look. The look that said that things would never be the same again.
Doug? Doug? You OK?
One glance at a face like that, and you knew...
(Paul sighs.)
Oh, man...when did it happen?
Last night.
Was it your dad?
(Doug nods.)
He gave you..."The Talk".
(Doug nods. Kevin looks down, and Paul frowns.)
"The Talk". The old birds and bees.
I actually had to listen to my father say - "genitals".
(Kevin and Paul grimace.)
(K & P): Ahhhh!
*
(Cafeteria. Hobson shows Kevin and Paul the cover of the "mens" magazine, Adam, with the head and shoulders of a woman on it.)
Check this out.
Put that away!
(Paul closes Hobson's notebook hurriedly.)
Sorry, Pfeiff - didn't mean to scare you.
Grow up, Hobson!
What's wrong with it? (Gestures.) My dad looks at this stuff.
Yeah, your dad, maybe.
Uh-huh - like yours doesn't.
Of course not...my dad's an optometrist!
Phhh...(Frowns.)
Well, he doesn't.
I don't want this to come as a shock to you, Pfeiff...
(Hobson glances around, then cups his hand next to his mouth.)
But men look at women.
No, duh.
You're just a babe in the woods.
(Paul frowns as Kevin smiles.)
Craig Hobson - the "Masters and Johnson" of the lunch line.
So, Arnold, how's the big project comin'?
What do you mean?
Saw your and your dad drivin' by with a car full of lumber. Whatcha buildin' - a new sand-box? (Smiles.)
For your information, Hobson...they're working on something very big.
Really, like what?
Paul...
I can handle this...it's a treehouse.
(Kevin looks off.)
Thanks, Paul. Really.
Well, it's not really-
A treehouse, huh? Aren't you a little old for that?
At least his dad doesn't sit around looking at magazines. They're building it together.
A treehouse, huh? What are you - the ladder-holder?
Huh, yeah, right. (Smiles.)
*
(Another day in the cafeteria.)
You lucky dog.
I don't believe it!
You guys don't understand.
I think we do.
Will you cut it out, Hobson?! I could use a little help here.
You don't need help - you need binoculars.
Why?
Pfeiffer, you're hopeless.

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(Ep 39 - "Glee Club")

(In glee club.)
It isn't fair. Every other group gets to sing some songs and stuff - why can't we? (Frowns.)
Well, maybe because we...(big smile)...stink!
Then why are we here?
(Randy leans forward slightly.)
Because we have to be here. Right, Warren?
Warren Gander. No one had ever heard him sing a note, much less say a word.
So, what you're saying is that we're losers. Is that it? (Frowns.)
But if Paul was looking to unite us in chorus...
(Most the boys make a loud fart sound. Mr. Frace looks up.)
He had just heard our best effort.
*
(In the locker room.)
Well, I think she's great.
Paul? Get a grip. (Frowns.)
Why? Just because she sang...(shrugs)...a little?
A little? (Frowns.) I just hope she doesn't think we're gonna sing like that.
Well, maybe not at first. But once we master this diaphragm thing...
Diaphragms or no diaphragms...Miss Haycock's arrival had sent a shudder of fear through all of us.
*
(In glee club.)
Put away your songbooks, we won't need them after all. We'll need the entire hour for voice auditions. Who wants to be first?
First? Was she joking?
Anyone?
Only a complete doofus would want to be f-
(Paul raises his hand.)
OK, then. It was time to show Miss Haycock exactly who she was up against. In other words...it was time to sing.
(Singing): My country 'tis of thee...
*
She made you sing? All of you? That I'd like to see. (Smiles.)
She said Kevin had passion.
Really? (Giggles.)
She made a total fool out of me. Frowns.) Sso can we just forget it? (Nods.)
Well, I think she sounds very sweet. (Smiles.)
So do I.
(Winnie smiles and puts her hand on Paul's shoulder. Paul looks at her and smiles.)
Right gesture...wrong shoulder.
*
We're gonna look like idiots in front of the whole school...(Gestures.) Not to mention our parents. What are we gonna do?
Well, for one thing, we're not gonna mention it to our parents. Deal?
There's something else we could do. We could practice...(Shrugs.)
*
(In glee club.)
Miss Haycock?
Yes, Kevin? (Smiles.)
We've been...(nods)...thinking this whole thing over. And...see...(frowns)...we don't really wanna be in the Spring Sing. It's just that...(gestures)...we're not any good. So...maybe we shouldn't do it.
There. Difficult, of course, but best for everyone concerned.
You...really feel this way? (Nods.) All of you?
(The guys as they nod and say "uh-huh".)
I see. Well...I had no idea...
And there ya had it. We'd finally gotten through to her. Miss Haycock was coming to her senses. She was going to see reason. She was going...
(She frowns heavily and turns away.)
To cry...Needless to say...we handled it with a certain maturity.
Well, what you do that for, Arnold? (Frowns.)
Me? (Gestures.) You told me to!
(Joey looks at Kevin.)
Way to go, Kev. (Frowns.)
I can't believe you did that.
*
(Backstage at the Spring Sing.)
I'm not ready for this. (Frowns.)
Sure ya are.
No, I'm not. (Frowns.)
Oh, come on, Paul - it's just one song.
Or so I kept telling myself.
(Paul and Kevin walk across the room, past other students wearing blue robes.)
Look around. These guys are practically professionals. People are paying a buck-fifty to see them. And us.
(Paul starts sneezing.)
Uh-oh. That sneeze was a bad sign. A very bad sign.
Take a deep breath. (Gestures.) You know how you get once it starts.
It's my nerves.

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(Ep 40 - "Night Out")

Well, I heard from Darlene Murphy that Johnny and Mary got back together.
No...really?
I heard from Susan Jacobs, that Darlene Murphy was lying...and that Mary and Johnny didn't get back together.
No...really?
Kevin!
(Winnie nudges Kevin. He smiles.)
Well, I heard that Mary said that Johnny said...
Course, in eighth-grade, part of being a couple is doing things other couples do, even if they are, well...kinda stupid.
Hey, you guys want to go to a movie Friday night? (Smiles.)
(K&W): Sure! (Smiles.) Great! (Smiles.)
(P&C): Great!
*
(In the cafeteria with Robbie Hudson.)
Hey! You guys are the new couples in school. And my parties are couples-only. What do you say?
You have to understand...this guy was no ordinary ninth-grader. His parties made reputations.
(Becky smiles at him.)
We'd love to come, wouldn't we?
Count me in! (Smiles.)
Pfeiffer, right?
(Paul nods.)
Carla Healey, right?
Right!
Groovy.
Groovy! Wait till I tell her.
(Paul turns and hurries off.)
*
(Kevin and Winnie reluctanty agree to go.)
Hey, I mean, everybody else was going. Even Paul and Carla.
(Paul and Carla are in the distance.)
You rat!
(She slaps him, spilling his tray. Kids laugh as she stomps off. Cut to the lockers as Paul approaches, holding his cheek.)
We're not going.
(Paul walks off.)
Well! That settled that, for Paul, anyway.
*
OK, we weren't going.
(Paul returns with Carla, holding hands and smiling.)
Hey guys, guess what! Carla changed her mind. Now we can all go together!

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(Ep 41 - "Faith")

(The guys have gotten a creative writing assignment.)
One page? One...page?!
Paul - it's not that bad. (Frowns.)
How do you cram a full and productive lifetime into one page? Kevin, don't you realize how deep this is?
Paul...(frowns)...aren't you taking this a little too seriously?
Heck - this wasn't brain surgery. We were just writing our obituaries, here.
So many decisions to make. Fr'instance...do I go into business with my dad, or marry Marsha Brady?
(Paul pauses, then brightens and looks off.)
Or both!
(Paul frowns and looks down.)
Kev? I don't want to die. (Frowns.)
My best friend had what you might call...a malleable mind.
*
(In class.)
Chapter seven, age thirty-six. "The Harvest Ripens". (Nods.) Poised on the very cusp of young adulthood...I venture forth from the secure hallways of academia...and into the cut-throat world of opthamology. Before the age of forty, I invent the strapless sport spectacle.
(Miss Stebbins turns toward Paul.)
Ah...(sighs)...thank you very much, Paul. But we have to have time for everyone.

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(Ep 42 - "The Unnatural")

As springtime rolls into fall, and Little League gives way to summer jobs...somehow...the dream gets left behind.
(Fade to Kevin and Paul at the bulletin board which has a sign reading "Baseball Tryouts - Sign Up", and a clipboard below it.)
For most of us, anyway.
Hey, I might try out for the team this year! (Smiles.)
Of course, there was the occasional glaring exception.
Paul, you're nuts. (Frowns.) You're gonna be up against ninth-graders. Only the best guys make the team!
Come on - you love baseball. Wouldn't you like to play on the team? (Nods.) I mean...you hit almost as good as I do.
My mother hit better than Paul did.
This isn't Little League. Some of these guys can throw, like...(frowns)...a thousand miles an hour!
No duh! (Frowns.)
Still, the great thing about my best friend was...he never gave in to reality.
Come on, Kev - think about it! The smell of the grass...(Smiles.) The crack of the bat...(gestures)...in your hands...the breeze blowing in from the outfield...the feeling you get when the ball hits...(gestures)...smack in the webbing! (Smiles.) The roar of the crowds! The smell of the hotdogs!
(Paul dramatically sweeps his hand toward the sign-up sheet.)
Kevin - this is baseball! Anything is possible!
Aw, heck.
(Paul pats his pockets looking for a pencil.)
It wasn't up to me...
(Kevin reaches for the pencil tucked behind Paul's ear.)
To smash Paul's dream.
(Kevin holds up the pencil. Paul reaches for it as another hand simultaneously takes it.)
Excuse me.
There were plenty of other guys to do that.
(The boy signs up, then hands the pencil to Paul.)
Thanks. (Exits.)
Anything can happen.
*
(Kevin is watching Paul at baseball try-outs.)
It wasn't fair, really - those other guys had skills Paul didn't. Like hand-eye coordination. Somebody had to give him a little support.
Hey, Paul! Don't let him fool you with his curve ball. (Frowns.)
That was his curve ball?
(Coach Baker looks at the pitcher.)
Keep workin' on your stretch! And don't forget to follow through!
Open your stance up a little bit! And don't crowd the plate! And keep the bat up!
(The coach glances over his shoulder at Kevin, then looks at the pitcher.)
Keep your *kit* down!
Just...try to get a piece of it! (Gestures.)
(The coach looks toward Kevin and frowns.)
OK. So maybe we separate agendas, here. But at least now, Paul had a chance of...
Strike three!
Looking good while he struck out.
It's OK, Pfeiffer...that's the way to stand in there.
(Paul walks toward the bleachers, dropping the bat on homeplate.)
Well, at least...
(Paul flips the batting helmet off.)
He couldn't say I hadn't warned him.
(Kevin walks along the fence to join Paul.)
Anybody else? Come on - let's get another batter up here...
(Kevin and Paul pause and face each other.)
Don't worry about it. (Gestures.)
(Paul looks down and frowns.)
I struck out.
*
(In the kitchen.)
I can't believe this happened.
Me either.
Man, the first pitch, and you nailed it. A lucky hit.
Sure. (Gestures.)
He almost got it by you...
I know. (Frowns.)
You swung so late...you put it in the opposite field. (Shrugs.)
Well, it was understandable. What did I expect from Paul? Congratulations? A candy-gram?
Look, Paul - it was just a lucky hit, OK? (Frowns.) I mean, there's no way I'm goin' back!
And I wasn't. Our long-standing friendship meant more to me than -
(Jack enters from the living room.)
Going back where?
Baseball tryouts.
Oh...(Nods.)
But wait a minute. Was that an actual glimmer of interest in the old man's eye?
You tried out for baseball? Hmmm. (Nods.)
There's nothin' quite like the feeling you get when your father "hmmm's" at you with pride in his eyes.
Well...
No...he just made this one lucky hit.
It wasn't luck, Paul! (Frowns.)
(Paul frowns in disbelief.)
So much for long-standing friendships.
I nailed it on the first pitch. (Gestures.)
So...you went out for the team? (Smiles.)
Not really. He just -
Yeah, I did! (Nods.)
*
(Cafeteria line.)
So. How'd it go at try-outs?
Six errors, two strike-outs. (Frowns.)
Well, there's always next year. (Shrugs.)
I made the cut. (Frowns.)
(Paul looks slightly incredulous.)
Congratulations. (Frowns.)
(Paul angily sets his dish of Jell-O on his tray and exits.)

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 43 - "Goodbye")

OK - so I wasn't exactly God's gift to polynomials. But I was doing my best, and Collins knew it. At least, I think he did.
For your homework...study Unit 17, Section 4. These are your last week's quizzes, please pass them back.
After all, we'd been through alot, the old man and I. We had a history. And the fact is, thanks to him, I'd brought myself from a "D"...to a "C", a respectable "C". Nothing wrong with that.
(Cut to on the bus.)
Darn it!
Unless, of course, you happen to be Paul Pfeiffer.
(Hobson looks at Kevin.)
What's wrong with him?
I'll tell you what's wrong - this!
(Paul holds up his test.)
An "A"?! You got an "A" in Collins' advanced class?
It's not an "A". It's an "A-". I blew it.
Now with anyone else this might seem like bragging - but Paul wasn't a braggart. "A"'s just came to him - like hives.
Bet you could just kick yourself.
Lay off, Hobson. I'm gonna tape this to my locker door as a warning.
(Kevin notices Collins' note on Paul's paper - "Good job, Paul.")
One little boner and the whole academic year goes right down -
Paul? What's this?
Oh, just something Collins wrote.
Mr. Collins wrote that?
Yeah, why?
Nothing...does he do that often?
Sometimes. Doesn't he do that with you?
Oh, sure! Once in awhile.
If by "once in awhile" you meant "never". Not that I was jealous, exactly.
*
(In the cafeteria, Hobson pulls Paul's quiz out of his book.)
My, my - another ace.
Hey, it's none of your business. Give it back! Come on - it's mine.
I heard the new, uh...advanced math teacher is a chick. Planning on becoming the new teacher's pet?
Very funny, Hobson. She happens to be very smart. She needs a little work on her delivery, but...
Oh, I bet.
What do you know?

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(Ep 44 - "Cocoa and Sympathy")

(School restroom. Paul is looking in the mirror.)
Kev, it isn't funny! I can't walk into the cafeteria looking like this.
Of course when it came to playing straight-man...I had some experience of my own.
Paul, it's just a cow-lick. (Nods.) It's not so bad. (Frowns.)
What do you mean, "not so bad"? "Not so good", right? That's what you really mean.
For instance, when Paul's self-esteem was down - read any day of the week...
(Paul smoothes his hair.)
It was routine for me to build him back up.
It looks like I've got pipe-cleaners growing out of my head!
It looks fine!
(Hobson enters.)
Hey, Alfalfa! Nice "'do". (Smiles.)
Get bent, Hobson!
Careful what you say, Pfeif...or I might not let you see the Berlini poll.
What?
The "Lisa Berlini poll". The definitive rating of the male faction at RFK Junior High. It was the kind of document that eventually led to deep-seated neuroses and psychotherapy. Not that we knew about that stuff in eigth-grade.
Read 'em and weep, cupcakes. (Smiles.)
(Doug peers at the list.)
Is my name on it?
"Best eyes"? I got "best eyes"?! (Nods.) What about the rest of my face?
Well, I guess it could have been worse.
"Brainiest". (Nods.)
I could have been Paul.
Does anybody see my name?!
Man, last time at least I got...(gestures)..."best-mannered".
Hey! There's nothing wrong with being brainy. (Smiles.)
(A boy exits between them.)
Thank God I didn't get "brainiest". (Smiles.)
Man, first a cow-lick the size of Mount Rushmore, and now this.
Uh-oh. You could sense Paul heading for a major-league slump, here. This was gonna take...care.
Paul, nobody's gonna notice. Trust me.
You think so?
Yeah. (Smiles.)
Care...and a little good luck.
(They exit. Sound of a screaming woman. Cut to the basement. A Sci-fi movie is on TV. A "brain" is crawling on the floor, then jumps up onto the back of the screaming woman, who is surrounded by three men. One man wrestles the brain off the lady, then tosses it away.)
Now, there's a brain. Pretty attractive, huh?
Paul, it's just a stupid movie. (Gestures.)
Man, I'd rather be "ugliest" than "brainiest.
(Norma descends the stairs carrying a full laundry basket.
Paul Pfeiffer! Who said you were ugly?
Nobody said he was ugly.
No...they said brainiest. (Frowns.) Babes are already starting to beat down my door.
(Paul pulls off his glasses.)
It's these stupid glasses.
What are you talking about?
Never mind, mom.
After all, if I couldn't cheer the guy up, what could Mom do?
Paul...I've known you a long time. And I've always thought that your glasses make you look very...manly. (Nods.)
Manly?
Manly?
Absolutely. (Smiles.)
Of course she was obviously throwing him a line. Still, the fish were biting.
You know...a lot of great men wear glasses.
Like who?
Well, like...Arthur Miller.
Who's Arthur Miller?
You think Arthur Miller is handsome?
Well, not just me. Marilyn Monroe thought so, too. (Nods.)
I guess I'd never really thought about it that way before.
Naturally he hadn't. It was patently ridiculous...
(Paul smiles as he flips the strap over his head.)
Whoever Arthur Miller was.
Glasses can make the man, Paul. (Smiles.)
Still, ya had to hand it to old Mom. Paul was lappin' up the kind words like -
Hey! How about some cocoa?
Uh, I'm allergic to instant.
Oh, I make it from scratch. It always cheers Kevin up.
Look, Mom...I don't think he -
That sounds great. (Nods.)
Let's go! I'm in the mood for some, too. How about you, honey?
No. No thanks.
(Paul follows Norma up the stairs.)
So - who else wore glasses?
Well...
Sure - let 'em have a little time together. It was no skin off my nose. After all, Mom's cocoa and sympathy could never prepare Paul for the cold realities of -
(Cut to school hallway.)
Hey, brainiac! Heard any good theorems lately, gray matter?
Real life.
(Two girls pass by.)
Hey, big brain...
Life after Lisa Berlini.
(Randy approaches.)
Look at it this way, Pfeiffer...brainy's not so bad. There are a lot of librarians out there lookin' for a man! (Smiles.)
OK - that was my cue. Time to come to the rescue, here.
Yeah, well, I guess being brainiest is something you'll never have to worry about.
Or, maybe not.
Oh - very funny..."four-eyes". (Frowns.)
Hey, pal - Arthur Miller wears glasses.
Who's Arthur Miller? (Frowns.)
Why don't you ask Marilyn Monroe?
(Paul smiles smugly and walks off.)
Huh?
Well, well, well. Seemed we had a new Paul on our hands.
(Cut to the kitchen as Kevin enters.)
Yep. My best friend was feeling...better.
(Paul and Norma are in the dining room.)
So then I said..."why don't ya ask Marilyn Monroe".
Oh...(Smiles.)
(Paul and Norma laugh.)
Much better.
(Cut to playing basketball in the driveway.)
In fact, over the next few days, it was all he talked about.
I've been thinking about getting wire rims.
Wire rims?
To accentuate the positive. (Gestures.) Glasses can make the man. Your shot.
"Accentuate the positive"..."Glasses make the man"...Was this a kid I was playing with, or a clotheshorse?
You know...I could probably get Dad to special-order some frames like Donald Perman's. That'd be neat.
Who's Donald Perman? (Frowns.)
Course, Ben Franklin wore bi-focals - but I don't need those.
Paul! (Gestures.) Who's Donald Perman? (Nods.)
That guy your mom dated in high school. She thought he was really good-looking. She showed me his picture in her yearbook.
Her yearbook? When did Paul ever see my mom's yearbook?
Man! We must have talked for about an hour yesterday.
Where was I? (Shrugs.)
Why didn't you ever tell me your mom wanted to be a singer? (Smiles.) Isn't that a funny story about the audition for the radio commercial?
Radio commercial? My mother never told me about any radio commercial.
Yeah, well...(gestures)...it's not so funny after you heard it a bazillion times...(Nods.)
I thought it was hilarious. Especially the part about the shoulderpads. (Laughs.)
Look...I'm gonna go get something to drink. Ya want anything?
Hey, I'll get it. (Gestures.) Be right back.
(Kevin takes several shots.)
Sometimes Paul could be a real dink. I mean, I wanted to shoot hoops, and this guy wanted to talk about my mother's history. Who cared?! I had more important things to think about. Like winning an NBA title in triple overtime with a shot at the buzzer. And the crowd's gone wild! The crowd, maybe. But what about the other team?
(Cut to the kitchen as Kevin approaches.)
Didn't Paul realize there were more important things in life...
(Paul sits at the table as Norma pours him a cup of cocoa.)
Than...
Then all of a sudden, the legs...
Sitting around, having cocoa...while my mother laughed...harder than I'd seen her laugh in years.
*
(The bleachers. The guys are ranking the girls on the field.)
Doug, you're droolin'.
Of course he was drooling - that's what adolescents do.
(Paul approaches and and steps up the bleachers.)
Hi.
Well, most adolescents.
What are you guys doing?
Oh...decide to spend some time with people your own age, huh?
We're doing a poll. (Nods.) To get back at Lisa Berlini.
How about "best smile". (Smiles.)
You know who has a nice smile? Your mom. (Nods.)
Was he nuts? When the guys found out what he thought about my mother...they would -
Ya know...Arnold's mom's not bad.
Agree...
She shaves her legs, too. (Smiles.)
You're talking about my...(gestures)...mother! (Frowns.)
As if she were some kind of, uh...woman!
I think we should put down Kevin's mom for "best smile". (Nods.)
*
(Paul arrives for his "date" with Norma.)
Oh, hi, Mr. Arnold. (Smiles.) I brought a Jell-O mold. My mother wanted me to bring it over. It's lime Jell-O. She put fruit cocktail in it, but we didn't have any of those little marshmallows -
(Paul shakes his head, and Jack looks over his shoulder.)
(Loudly): Norma?! Paul's here!
(In the distance): I'll just be a minute!
She'll just be a minute. (Nods.)
(Jack backs up and Paul enters.)
Norma? This pizza's still frozen in the middle.
(In the distance): Turn it up to four-fifty for about another ten minutes.
Oh. Hnnn...
Oh, and...sprinkle a little water on the crust. I've always found the only way you can get the middle warm is...(gestures)...burn the sides.
That was it. The same thirteen-year-old who was dating his wife...was now giving him cooking tips? Dad wasn't gonna stand for this.
How much water? (Frowns.)
Oh, just a little sprinkle. (Demonstrates.)
(Jack frowns.)
Sir.
Hnnn...(Exits.)
OK, then - if Dad wouldn't do it, I would. It was time to explain to Paul...my mother...was just like everyone else's mother.
(Norma enters, dressed in a black dress and pearls.)
OK, I'm ready...
Only more beautiful.
Hi, honey. (Smiles.)
(K & P): Hi. (Smiles.)
(They look at each other.)
Oh! My mom wanted me to give this to you.
Oh, thank you! (Smiles.) That was very nice of her.
Hey! Should I put some foil on this? (Smiles.)
(Paul and Norma both wrinkle their nose and shake their heads.)
(P & N): It'll stick. (Frowns.)
*
We're home!
Great. The woman in black. And her teenaged Lothario.
Hey.
Hey.
OK. It was time to put this four-eyed Romeo in his place.
Have a nice time?
(Paul nods. Norma looks at Jack.)
Missed a great evening, honey. Paul and I had the most wonderful time.
Uh-huh...
The most beautiful music.
But I guess I already knew it wasn't Paul I was angry at.
Anyone for some hot cocoa?
It was Mom.
I'd love some.
(Paul joins Norma in the kitchen.)
I could have used some cocoa, myself. But I couldn't go in there. Because it was pretty clear now whatever was going on between my mother and Paul...was just between my mother and Paul.
I've always loved Beethoven.
(Paul holds out a rose.)
Um...I got this for you.
Oh...
It's from my mother's garden.
Well, thank you...it's a beautiful rose, Paul.
Sure. What was next - a formal proposal?
Which is...why you shouldn't waste it on me.
But you have to take it. I'm allergic.
There are going to be a lot of very wonderful girls in your life who would die to get a rose from you. (Nods.)
I doubt it. (Frowns.)
I don't. You're a very special person, Paul.
And I guess there was something in the way she said it...that made me understand...
And I hope you never get contacts...because you don't need them. (Smiles.)
Mom wasn't breaking my heart...she was breaking Paul's. Without breaking it.
I guess I better go.
I had a great time. Thank you. (Nods.)
Me, too. (Smiles.) Thanks, Mrs. Arnold. (Exits.)

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(Ep 46 - "Moving")

The thing is, she was obviously trying to be supportive and understanding. But what I really needed was a heart-felt...
(Cut to class.)
Please don't go, Kevin!
Right words, wrong neighbor.
Man, it just wouldn't be the same without you. I don't know what we'd do!
Well...(Smiles.)
Still, this wasn't so bad. I mean, if you have to go, it's nice to know you'll be missed.
I'm sure you'd survive.
(Paul puts his hand on Kevin's shoulder.)
You're right.
What?
Kev, no matter what, I promise you, after you're gone, I'll do everything I can to take care of Winnie.
*
(Locker room. Paul slams his locker and turns around.)
Three weeks?! This is horrible! You must feel like killing yourself!
Fortunately, my friends were there to help soften the blow.
Hey, Arnold! Heard the Coopster's takin' a powder.
Come on, Hobson. Show a little sensitivity here, huh?
Yeah. (Frowns.) Just lay off, will ya?
Yeah. Kevin and Winnie are gonna be just fine.
Thanks.
Besides, just because she's going to a different school...doesn't mean she's not -
She's going to Lincoln?
Yeah. Why?
Nothin'. Except, ever see the guys that go there? They average six feet tall. They all play football. Some of them professionally. And they surf.
They surf?
And that's just the seventh graders.

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(Ep 47 - "Growing Up")

(The guys are watching a girl on the opposite side of the pool, face-down on a chaise-lounge, reaching to untie her bikini top.)
Wow...
(She undoes the strap.)
(All): Oh...
(She lifts her head and looks toward the guys, who quickly turn around, embarrassed.)
Adolescence. It's never a pretty sight.
She wants us...she definitely wants us!
Definitely.
Us? (Frowns.) Why us?
"Why us?" The battle-cry of the 14-year-old.

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(Ep 48 - "Ninth-Grade Man")

(At the Pizza Barn.)
Patchy dry spots! I'm getting patchy dry spots.
(Paul feels his cheek.)
Relax, Paul. You're just having back-to-school jitters. By tomorrow you'll be fine.
Sure. Only...what if something goes wrong? What if I wear the wrong clothes? What if I forget?
Paul!
I gotta go put on some ointment. (Exits.)
*
(In the school hallway, Kevin and Paul are surprised to see Tony.)
Tony?
Barbella?
Welcome back.
(To Kevin): I thought he graduated...
I graduate every year.
Oh.
And this - (points) - is my locker!
*
Becky Slater. Once my Nemesis, but now just a good friend.
I hate you, Kevin!
What? Why?
As if you didn't know!
But -
Don't play dumb with me, Kevin. You introduced us.
(She opens her locker, and Paul and Kevin walk away.)
That answered that. With just one little question...
What is she talking about?
Craig Hobson. Didn't you hear? He dumped her. Then he left for military school.



*
I don't understand this!
Huh?
My schedule! Look what they gave me. Chemistry!
So, what's wrong with that!?
Are you kidding? You know what happens if I get near chemicals. I'm allergic to soap!
Paul...
I knew this year would be a disaster. Well, what did you get?
Uh, let me see.
I bet you got something neat. Like astronomy. Or physics!
*
(Cafeteria.)
If misery loves company...
I'll tell you Kev, this is great!
I was hanging out with the wrong guy.
Chemistry is such a fascinating science. The wonder of water. The mystery of fire.
(Kevin looks bored as he picks up a fish stick.)
Uh-huh. Not to mention the remains of Ray Spike's finger.
If fact, even that seemingly ordinary fish stick is in reality a miraculous lattice-work...
Paul!
Huh?
Will you cut it out? I'm trying to eat here!
Well, sorry.
(Kevin sighs and drops his fish stick down.)
I need a locker.
Well, there's got to be an empty one somewhere.
I know...maybe I can share yours?
Mine?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
Well, I guess I can make some room...
Great!
In the back, in the corner. Exactly how long are you going to be staying?
Never mind.
Come on, Kev. It's not so bad. Things will work out.

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(Ep 49 - "The Journey")

(In gym.)
Men, listen up! Today...we're going to educate your hearts, your minds...and your bodies.
(Kevin and Paul exchange glances.)
Uh-oh. (Frowns.)
You'll need...cat-like reflexes...nerves of steel. Most of all...intestinal fortitude. "I" - "E"...guts.
*
(Walter holds his hand near Paul's nose.)
G' ahead.
Oooh! (Frowns.)
(Walter holds his toward Doug's nose.)
Go on!
It's perfume.
Not just perfume..."Eau de Donna Pescarelli". (Gestures.)
That was Walter McHafferty. "Mr. Hormones". A real hound.
Wait. The Donna Pescarelli? The tenth-grader?
Uh-huh. She was in the car - my sister dropped me off this morning. I told her she had a bug on her...she let me take it off! I touched the back of her neck, for at least...man...(gestures)...it seemed like forever.
Wow...
And that's not all. I got information. Pescarelli's having a party. At her house.
So? (Frowns.) A party. So what? (Frowns.)
A slumber party?
But hold on! Did he say..."slumber party"?
And we're invited. (Smiles.)
What?!
Fiesta del chiquitas, guys! Pony-tails...pillow fights, negligees...
Wait a minute. (Frowns.) You're saying high-school girls invited us?
Well, almost. Practically. OK, so we don't have a formal letter of introduction. (Frowns.) Who cares? We know when, we know where...so we crash it! (Smiles.)
(Randy holds a towel on his neck.)
McHafferty, you're dreamin'...
Yeah, he's dreaming.
When is it?
Tomorrow night. Late.
No, we can't make it. We're goin' camping tomorrow night. In my backyard. Right, Paul?
(Paul is slightly surprised and looks at Walter.)
Oh. Yeah. (Smiles.) Right.
Suit yourself. You're not the men I though you were.
(Walter glances a his hand as he exits past the camera.)
Ooohh...
Maybe not...but we weren't fools. We were...campers.
(Paul is frowning and looking off in thought.)
Men who camped.
Paul!
(Paul looks quickly at Kevin.)
Forget it!
Sure.
(Cut to the cafeteria. Paul picks up some jiggling Jell-O and looks at it.)
I wonder what they actually wear to a tenth-grade slumber party.
(Kevin steps next to Paul.)
Paul.
Oh.
(Paul sets the Jell-O on his plate. They and walk toward the tables.)
Do they wear negligees?
(Paul frowns, then brightens.)
Do they wear anything? (Smiles.)
(Kevin sighs and frowns at Paul.)
Sorry. I was just thinking.
Yeah, well don't.
(Randy and Doug approach them excitedly.)
We were thinking. Maybe we should go to that party.
Yeah, why not?
Right.
Yeah.
I couldn't understand it. These were guys I'd known all my adult life. Now, they were acting like....fourteen-year olds.
(They find an open table and sit down.)
Look. Randy...
Yeah, we know. But that's before we heard about the beer.
What beer?
Well, Walter's sister says...all we have to do is show up with a few brewskis...and it's "babe-o-rama". (Frowns.)
Uh-huh. That sounded like Walter's sister.
Beer. Where are you guys gonna get beer?
(Randy looks down in thought, and Doug frowns.)
Hmmm. You could almost hear the wheels grinding.
It's not going to work.
Of course it's not going to work.
Sure it will. Once we find a place to tell our parents we're spending the night. (Smiles).
Any ideas?
Uh-oh. I could sense my quiet evening of camping...
(Paul perks up and looks toward Kevin.)
About to go up in a blaze of futility.
Nobody has any ideas. (Frowns.) Paul. (Nods). Nobody.
*
Here it is...our ticket to paradise, gents.
Oh!
Right!
Yeah! This is great.
Alright. (Frowns.) That's it.
I had enough. It was time to set these guys straight. Once and for all.
You guys are nuts - d'you know that? I mean you don't have a chance. You'll never make it to the party and you'll probably get caught - and you'll never get in! I mean this idea's completely...(shrugs)...stupid.
*
(Wayne has crashed the tent, literally, and is now sitting on Kevin's chest.)
Wayne, get off you butthead!
Can't do it. (Smiles.)
Get off him.
Back off! One move and he dies. (Frowns.)
Wayne!
Lucky thing for you girls, and I just happened to be strolling by. Seems I overheard something about a...slumber party?
(Wayne sees the bottle of beer and frowns.)
Oh, and beer?
(Wayne looks at Kevin off-screen as he clicks his cheek and waggles his finger.)
Wayne - leave 'em alone.
(Wayne picks up the bottles.)
Oh, well, these of course...will have to be destroyed.
Oh, no...
Let's see...anything else? Ah, yes...(frowns)...the address. (Nods.)
You're crazy.
(Wayne begins to pummel Kevin.)
Go ahead - I'm not gonna tell ya anything. Wayne!
It was a desperate moment. Still, lying there...
Let me go!
Ground into the mud...
Wayne!
I understood for the first time...what the guys had been telling me all along.
Get off!
That some things were worth fighting for.
(Wayne forces Kevin's hand to slap himself.)
No matter how stupid.
No, don't! I'll tell you! It's seven twenty Goodman avenue!
Paul!
(Wayne looks at Paul.)
Thanks, Mr. Pfeiffer. (Smiles.) Gentlemen...(Frowns.) Better not see you at the party. (Frowns.)
(Wayne pushes Kevin's face, laughs, then exits.)
It was kind of a low moment.
There goes the beer. (Gestures.)
There goes the whole night.
I can't believe you told him the address.
I had to. (Shrugs.) He was gonna kill you!
Ya, except...that's not where Pescarelli lives. (Shrugs.)
(Everyone turns to Paul.)
My uncle Arnie - the herpetologist. (Smiles.)
*
(On the march to Donna's house, the guys look skyward.)
Still, out there under the silent stars...alone with our thoughts...our minds naturally turned to the greater issues.
(Paul slows up and Kevin bumps into him.)
My feet are killing me.
(Paul kneels down.)
Well, why'd you wear those stupid shoes? (Gestures.)
Hey, look - I didn't know I was gonna be walking. Besides...
(Paul holds up a shoe.)
Babes notice things like shoes.
Put your shoes back on.
(Paul covers his nose and mouth with both hands and sneezes.)
Shhh! (Frowns.)
I must be allergic to something in this part of town.
Come on, guys! We gotta move!
(Paul pats his pockets.)
Oh, no. Now I'm in trouble. I forgot my inhaler.
It was kinda like Napoleon forgetting his hat.
Oh, well, what d'yo want to do now, Paul?
Well, I don't know. Could we go back?
Our first major setback. Someone had to act before our morale was crushed.
Come on, Paul...(frowns)...don't be such a wuss.
Oh. Nice, Kev...Real nice.
(Paul stands up.)
Sure, it was rough. But absolutely necessary.
Let's go.
After all, somebody had to keep this company moving. Someone like...
(Sound of screeching tires of an approaching vehicle. The guys panic, then run forward.)
They're comin'!
Run!
Oh, no...no! Come on...jump!
(The guys leap through and over a hedge. The car passes by.)
OK - it was only a station-wagon. But it could have been the cops. Anyway, it was our first real taste of action.
Everybody OK?
Yeah.
(Doug rubs his ankle.)
I think I'm hurt.
Lemme see it.
How's it look?
Not too good. It startin' to swell up.
No, it always looks like that.
So now what are we gonna do?
We'll just have to carry 'em.
Are you nuts? (Frowns.) Carry Doug? Who's gonna do that?
Step back.
Randy Mitchell. A real buddy. The kind of guy you could count on.
(Randy loads Doug over his shoulder.)
Uh.
The kind of guy who could move mountains.
Ah! Oh! (Frowns.)
Gentle. Gentle.
(Cut to under the bleachers as Doug flops onto his back.)
Half a block later, we understood why mountains...don't move.
Maybe we should leave 'em.
Not that! Anything but that!
Alright. Here. Hold these...
(Kevin and Paul hold a beer.)
I'll go find 'em a crutch.
And suddenly, right under those bleachers, it hit me. Something was happening to us. Something...important. Right here. Right now. Events were bringing out our true personalities. The leader. The wounded. The stalwart.
(Paul sneezes.)
The allergic.
(Paul frowns and rubs his chin. Kevin sets the bottle on the bleacher, but it falls off and breaks.)
The klutz.
The beer.
(Paul taps Kevin's shoulder.)
Nice play, Shakespeare. (Frowns.)
*
It was horrible. Not more than twenty yards from where we stood...Walter McHafferty was being grounded by his mother. And there was nothin' we could do about it.
Right now, young man! Right to bed!
And then, it was over.
I don't believe it.
Maybe he'll come back.
He's not coming back.
So, we did what all good troops do when they lose their leader. We started whining.
I'm hungry.
You're always hungry, Doug. (Frowns.)
Which turned into bickering.
Leave him alone. This isn't his fault.
No, it's your fault - for doing that stupid signal. (Gestures.)
Hey look, we wouldn't even be here if you hadn't dropped the beer.
Yeah? Well, for your information, I didn't even want to come on this stupid trip.
That's obvious. That's why you sabotaged the beer.
What are we gonna do?
How should I know?
We were near total meltdown, and there was no one to save us. And then...it happened.
What are we gonna do? I'll tell ya what we're gonna do. We're gonna go. And we're gonna...keep...going. We're gonna get to Donna Pescarelli's house...not because we have to, or even because we want to...but because...well...Walter would have wanted it that way. (Nods.)
The funny thing is...he didn't even sneeze once.
Come on. Let's move out.
(The guys come out of the garage door. Thunder sounds and a bright flash of lightning gopes off. Paul shields his face, then the guys hurry off.)
Let's go!
Wait for me!
*
(The guys approach Donna's house, and crouch down along the white picket fence.)
We were veterans. We'd seen the worst, and we'd survived.
(The guys group together at the fence and look toward the house.)
And now...
(A girls' silhouette is on a window shade.)
I think we're here. (Smiles.)
(Two girls are silhouetted on the window shade, and their voices can be heard.)
Definitely!
We made it.
(Paul smiles and holds up the beer, then looks at it and frowns as he starts to clean off the bottle.)
I'm gonna rest.
(Doug lies down.)
You guys wait here. I'll go scout it out.
They say that soldiers are never so close as on the eve of battle. While standing there with Paul, waiting for the signal...I could feel that closeness.
Hey, Paul, look. Sorry about what I said back there.
Hey...
The "wuss" stuff, ya know.
Forget about it. So...
(Paul glances at Kevin.)
We're really goin' in there.
Um-huh. (Nods.)
I'm scared.
What are you scared about? (Gestures.)
And then Paul said something I'll never forget.
Kev? I'm a virgin.
It was possibly the deepest secret Paul had ever revealed to me. And I knew I had to say something to reassure him.
Yeah, well...ya know....a lot, a lot of the guys are.
"Coo-coo, coo-coo"!
Doug, let's go. Doug?
(Doug is asleep and snoring. Paul sighs and Kevin smiles as they exit toward the house.)
The events of battle are never quite clear. Smoke obscures the battlefield. Things get confused.
(Kevin and Paul join Randy at the window.)
Go ahead - knock on the window.
(Kevin knocks on the window pane.)
Only later did historians sort out the facts.
(A girl raises the window shade. Paul, Kevin and Randy smile, and Paul waves the bottle of beer.)
It's enough to say that that night...we met the enemy. Face...
(A second girl approaches.)
To face.
Who is it?
(Girl1 turns toward Girl2.)
It's just a bunch ninth-graders.
(She pulls the shade down.)
And the rest...
(A flashlight shines on the guys.)
Who's out there?!
Is history.
The old man! Scatter!
(Paul hesitates, then sets the beer on the window sill, and runs off.)
But it was an honorable retreat. In some way we couldn't exactly express...we'd accomplished our mission. We'd done what we had to do.
(Fade to the street as the guys gather.)
By the time we got back together...our adventure had become an epic.
...babes. Oh my god, the father...at least...(gestures)...three hundred pounds...
And he had a shot gun. Gestures.) I swear he had a shot-gun.
We were entitled to a little exaggeration. Every soldier is. After all, if growing up is war, then those friends who grew up with you deserve a special respect. The ones who stuck by you, shoulder-to-shoulder, in a time when nothing is certain. When all life lay ahead. And every road led home.

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(Ep 50 - "Cost of Living")

(Cafeteria with Doug.)
Twenty cents for a Nutty-Buddy? (Frowns.)
Sympathy from those in my tax-bracket, however, was easy to come by.
I'm barely getting by as it is!
Unbelievable...
(Paul looks down and shakes his head slowly.)
By the fall of ninth-grade, poverty was making paupers of us all. Most of us, anyway.
Whoa! Check out Kovinsky!
(Kovinsky stands next to a couple of girls, as he holds his jacket open.)
Mark Kovinsky. The Howard Hughes of RFK. He had more money than General Motors. Naturally, we all admired him.
I hate him.
That jacket must have cost a fortune.
What I wouldn't give for that wardrobe. (Nods.)
On our allowances? Forget it!
Facts were facts. In macro-economic terms.
Five bucks a week just doesn't go as far as it used to. (Frowns.)
Wait a minute. Did he say -?
(Cut to the hallway.)
Five bucks a week?
Pretty disgusting, huh?
Yeah - I'll say.
Pretty soon...(gestures)...I'll have to dip into my savings account.
Paul was building an investment portfolio, while I was living on cold beans.
Five bucks a week...
Why? (Frowns.) What are you getting? (Gestures.)
Well...it's in the five-dollar ballpark.
Uh-huh. If the ballpark was the size of Kansas.
It's almost embarrassing! Oh, but...don't tell anyone, OK? I don't want them to think my father's cheap.
*
I practically rebuilt the whole house!
Well, how much did he pay you?
That's not the point! The point is...the guy's bustin' my hump! (Nods.) The point is that -
(Kovinsky approaches.)
You're working for your dad, huh?
(Kovinsky spreads his jacket, smiles and chuckles.)
Great - Diamond Jim Kovinsky himself.
Kovinsky - what do you know about it?
Hey...I started out the same way you did...buckin' for allowance, workin' for peanuts...And then one day, I woke up.
Huh? (Frowns.)
What's your dad do?
None of your business. (Frowns.)
A workin' man...(Nods)...Mine too.
Yeah. So? (Shrugs.)
So...(Smiles.) Who says you have to be like your dad?
Adolescence is filled with great moments of revelation. This...was one of them.
(Kovinsky snaps a $20-bill open in front of Kevin.)
Where'd you get that?
On the eighteenth green at the Whispering Grass golf course. (Smiles.)
You made twenty bucks caddying?
Cash tip. Not bad for four hours in the fresh air.

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(Ep 51 - "It's A Mad, Mad, Madeline World")

(Cafeteria with Randy.)
(To Kevin): She picked your name? (To Paul): I don't believe it. (Shrugs.) He gets all the luck!
Come on! It's just a homework assignment. What's the big deal?
Are you kidding? He's gonna be in her house, after dark? Anything can happen!
Which, as it happened, was exactly I'd been afraid of.
Knock it off, will ya?
Look, Mitchell...for your information, Kevin has a girlfriend. He's practically married.
Yeah, right. I want a full report - including details. (Exits.)
Some guys! What an imagination! (Nods.)
I know what you mean.
I mean, just because she's attractive and she has a nice figure and she...
Paul! (Frowns.)
I just don't see what the big deal is. (Shrugs.)
*
Kev? You alright?
Sure. Fine.
But I wasn't. I needed help. Guidance.
I lost my ID bracelet. The one Winnie gave me. I'm seeing her tonight...
You lost it?!
(Kevin tries to be casual.)
Oh...I left it somewhere.
Where?
Just somewhere...
Heck. No need to delve into details for a little crummy advice.
So, what do you think I should do?
There is only one thing to do! (Gestures.)
As if I didn't know what his answer would be - Be truthful! Be honest!
Get another one! (Shrugs.)
What?!
Consider the alternatives!

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(Ep 52 - "Little Debbie")

(The guys are in the cafeteria watching some cheerleaders.)
Around the halls of RFK, morale was at an all-time high.
(Two girls frown at each other, shake their heads and exit.)
For the guys, anyway. Football fever was in the air. There was, of course, a reason.
(Shot down the row of cheerleaders. The nearest one in particular seems well-endowed in the sweater area.)
"W"..."I..."L"!
Make that two reasons.
"D"..."C"..."A"..."T"..."S".
Deanna Delgado. Synonymous with...
(Randy, Paul, Doug and Kevin are at a table.)
Wow!
Deanna inspired us. Like the Statue of Liberty. Or the Bill of Rights.
I can't wait for the game Friday night!
Friday night? (Frowns.)
Let's get there early, so we can sit down in front.
It was an event...not to be missed.
Paul? (Frowns.)
I can't go. (Shrugs.)
(Fade to Paul's house. Kevin and Paul are inside the front door. Debbie is on a stool as Ida fixes the hem of her dress. Alvin is at the record player.)
Debbie honey, you'll be the prettiest girl there!
I have to take my sister to a stupid cotillion dance Friday night.
It's not stupid!
Paul, we've been over this.
Mom, she's ruining my life!
I'd be proud to take her. My little girl on my arm. (Smiles.) I do a mean foxtrot!
(Debbie frowns and glances at Kevin, then Alvin.)
Daddy! (Frowns.)
Alvin, she's not going with her father. She's going with her brother...
Why can't she find somebody else?
Because there isn't anybody else.
*
(Later in Kevin's room.)
I don't believe this. I might as well go lie down on the highway.
Paul, it's not that bad.
Are you kidding? While you guys are watching Deanna, I'm gonna be doing the mambo with little girls in white gloves.
Oh, come on - it'll be cute. Maybe they'll do...(gyrates)...the hokey-pokey. (Smiles.)
Well, if you think it's so cute, why don't you take her?
Cause she's not my sister.
Nothin' like kickin' your best friend when he's down. Until, that is, he kicks you back.
You know, it'd really make her happy.
Paul?
Come on. Why not? She's crazy about you! She'd be -
Hang it up. (Frowns.)
You know, a real friend'd do it.
(Sound of a sports buzzer.)
Foul! Illegal use of a buddy.
The answer's "no" - OK? (Frowns.)
OK, OK - I just thought I'd mention it.
Well, don't! (Gestures.)
OK. I won't!
Heck. Being a pal was one thing, but in the real world...paldom goes just so far.
*
(In the cafeteria.)
My poor little sister's cryin' herself to sleep at night, Kev.
(Kevin sighs and rolls his eyes as he puts his forehead on the table.)
I didn't realize just how important this dance is to her.
Paul...
She doesn't eat - she mopes...Last night she sat in the dark listening to Neil Diamond.
Ohh!
Look. Let me appeal to your better instinct. I'll give you five bucks.
(Kevin frowns as he lifts his head.)
What?! (Gestures.)
OK, ten - that's my final offer. Look, I know what you're thinking, but this isn't about dollars. It's about something bigger.
(Paul looks off toward the distance, and hiss eyes widen slightly.)
And there ya had it.
(Paul is smiling at Deanna as she walks into the shot. The frame freezes.)
School spirit had driven Paul to the brink of petty bribery.
(Deanna and the other girls continue through the shot.)
Paul...for the final time, I'm not taking your sister to the cotillion! (Frowns.) Alright?
Alright.
OK. (Nods.)
OK! But she's not gonna take this well. I mean, you're gonna have to tell her.
Why? (Frowns.)
Cause...she's gonna ask you. (Frowns.) She was upset. I said..."Ask 'em. What's the worst that can happen?".
(Kevin looks past Paul and sees Debbie entering with her tray.)
Oh, man. I don't believe this.
But my hand had been forced. I was gonna have to deal with this. Right here. Right now.
(Kevin rises and slowly starts to walk off, hunched over.)
Kev? Where are you going?
*
(On the road to the cotillion.)
So, you boys think the Wildcats have a shot at a good season?
Uh...sure. Definitely.
(Paul glances worriedly toward Kevin.)
By that Friday night, my ex-best friend was on his way to cheerleader heaven. Whereas I was on my way...to cotillion hell.
This must be the most beautiful corsage any man gave any woman. You're so thoughtful. (Smiles.)
It was nothing. (Smiles.)
And it wasn't. I'd been shanghai'd into this.
(Paul glances slightly at Kevin, then looks forward.)
And I knew by whom.
*
(In the parking lot.)
It was obvious this was going to be a long, long night.
(Alvin stops the car and turns it off.)
OK, Paulorooski, this is it. Let's get the **** from the trunk. (Gestures.)
OK, Dad.
(Debbie is hunting for her earring.)
I know it's here, somewhere.
This much was clear. If I was gonna get through this evening, there was only one thing to do.
Excuse me!
(Kevin gets out of the car.)
I was gonna have to bail.
(Kevin joins Alvin and Paul at the rear of the car.)
Have fun, son!
Sure, Dad.
(Paul looks at Kevin.)
Seeya. (Exits.)
*
(Later, Kevin ditches Debbie for awhile, and is outside at the pool.)
I sat there...angry at Debbie, angry at Paul, angry at myself. I was tired of being idolized. Sick of being a hero. For an instant...I'd toyed with the idea of walking the mile-and-a-half across town to join the guys.
(Doug, Randy, Paul hurry up to the fence in the far background, talking indistinctly. Kevin looks toward them. Doug climbs over the fence and falls onto the ground.)
Uh...uh.
I guess the guys had the same idea.
What are you guys doin' here?
Bad news, Kev.
Was it the game? Did we lose?
Worse.
Worse?
Paul...you had the binoculars. You tell 'em.
Well, when we got to the game...
And thus Paul launched into a story I was to hear over and over again, at cocktail parties and class reunions. A tale of woe. The subject?
It was Deanna...Deanna Delgado...
According to Paul, it happened in mere seconds. Something that broke young mens' hearts, and shattered long-held illusions. Something slipped through Deanna's sweater. And in the light of this horrible revelation...a new conciousness was born. A single undeniable truth.
Deanna Delgado...stuffs!
Falsies. (Nods.)
They looked so...real! (Frowns.)
It was a moment of rare understanding - sympathy for a dream lost. And of course, compassion.
Come on. We're on our way to TP Delgado's front yard.
Compassion in junior high...being expressed in many ways.
No, no thanks. You guys go on ahead without me.
(Paul taps Randy on the shoulder.)
Come on.
As I watched my friends head into the night...I realized the world was not necessarily a better place for knowing the truth.

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(Ep 53 - "The Ties That Bind")

(Kevin and Paul are tossing a football in the street.)
So. When's your dad gettin' back?
Uh...W-Wednesday. Wednesday night.
He must be having a blast!
Huh?
You know - catching planes...staying in hotels. That's gotta be fun.
Well...he probably wants to get home.
Oh, sure. No question.

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(Ep 54 - "The Sixth Man")

I had beaten Paul Pfeiffer at basketball, as near as I can remember, seven hundred eighty eight times in a row. Give or take a hundred.
Wanna play again?
Sure. Loser's out.
It was a streak that went all the way back to kindergarten.
Brand new game...
(Paul dribbles and Kevin guards him.)
Maybe even before.
Hondo's bringing the ball up court - he's looking good, folks. He goes left - he goes right...he goes left!
(Paul loses the ball, which rolls away. Kevin chases after it.)
Not that I was some kind of all-American.
(Kevin steps toward the basket and shoots.)
It's just...I was me. Whereas Paul...Paul was - Paul.
One - zip.
OK. No more "Mr. Nice-guy."
Really?
Count on it.
But we both knew better. We knew some things never change. And in basketball...
(Kevin reaches out and grabs the ball.)
Steal!
As in our friendship...
(Kevin stops and sets up to shoot a...)
Jumper from the corner.
I called the shots.
*
(In gym, Mr Cutlip is picking "volunteers" for basketball try-outs.)
Made ya wonder if this was how they picked teams in Russia.
Who else?
(Kevin ducks down noisily. Paul turns around.)
What are you doing?
(Kevin fakes tying his shoe.)
Shhhh!
Call it wisdom...call it cowardice. All I knew was...I was gonna dodge this bullet.
Pfeiffer.
(Paul turns forward slightly surprised.)
Unfortunately...the bullet hit Paul.
(Paul raise his eyebrows.)
Me?
(Cut to locker room.)
Why me?
I don't know...(gestures)...maybe he thought you were someone else.
Huh?
Poor guy. He'd become a victim of the system.
But don't worry - there's gotta be some way we can get you out of this.
(Mr. Cutlip approaches.)
Ah. Men.
Uh...hi, Coach!
So, Pfeiffer...see you at try-outs this afternoon? Hmmm?
OK.
(Paul and Kevin look at each other.)
It was clear this kid needed help.
Ah...he can't make it. He's busy with...bassoon lessons...after school. (Smiles.)
Huh? (Frowns.)
Hmmm. Didn't know you were a bassoon man.
I'm not. I'll be there, Coach. (Nods.)
(Mr. Cutlip walks behind them and slaps Paul's shoulder as he exits.)
Atta fella.
Paul, why'd you do that?
Well, I don't know...he asked me...
Ah...(frowns)...come on, Paul...get serious.
What do ya mean by that?
Man, you don't actually want to go to those try-outs, do ya? (Frowns.) Trust me...you don't want to do this. Well, I mean let's face it...(gestures)...the whole idea's a joke, right?
Maybe you're right...(Nods.) Maybe it's stupid. (Nods.)
Course it was stupid. Paul Pfeiffer on a basketball team was like Barney Fife working for the FBI.
(Cut to the Pizza Barn. Kevin and Winnie are at a table as Paul enters with 2 other basketball players, and carries a basketball.)
Yeah, it's sure fun.
I don't believe it.
Hi, Paul!
Hi, guys! (Smiles.)
Paul, where have you been?
I, I was...
(Paul sits down.)
I was doing something.
Uh-huh. (Nods.) Like trying out for the basketball team?
Well...yeah. (Shrugs.)
Really? (Smiles.) How'd it go?
As if we couldn't guess. Crash, and burn.
I think it went pretty well. At least Coach Cutlip thought so. (Nods.)
You're kidding. (Frowns.)
Well, I mean, I haven't made the team yet or anything, but...(shrugs)...so far, so good. (Smiles.)
Well, I think that's great. I'm so proud of you! (Smiles.) Aren't you proud of him, Kevin?
Uh...sure. (Smiles.)
Of course I was proud of him. That went without saying. I was proud enough to say...
Paul? How about getting us another pitcher of soda?
You got it! (Smiles.) This one's on me.
(Paul stands and walks around the to the counter and sets the pitcher on it.)
Hey, Woody, can you fill it for me?
Good old Paul. (Smiles.)
Yeah.
But suddenly, "Paul was Paul"...
(A cheerleader approaches Paul.)
Hi, Paul. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
(Paul and the cheerleader shake hands.)
Wasn't quite Paul. Something was different. Something was...wrong.
(Cut to the Arnold driveway as Kevin picks up a basketball.)
Come on. Let's play.
Now? (Frowns.)
Yeah. Right now. (Gestures.)
But I thought we were going to study for American history.
The War of 1812 was fought in, uh...(gestures)...1812. (Frowns.) There. We studied. OK?
Well, as it happens, it was fought in...
(Kevin frowns and tosses the ball to Paul.)
Your ball out.
OK...
(Paul walks forward, and sets his books down.)
Course, I was only looking for a game...and maybe a few answers.
So, how come you didn't tell me you were trying out for the team?
Well, I did. (Shrugs.) Kinda.
Yeah, but then I thought we agreed it was a bad idea, didn't we? You know, the whole thing about Cutlip, and -
Hey! He's not so bad...
What?
Well, he isn't. Really...
What was this? Heresy?
I just thought I'd, you know...(shrugs)...give it a try. (Smiles.)
Paul, you don't think you're gonna actually make the team, do ya? (Frowns.)
Well.
I mean, come on, it's ridiculous. You can't even beat me. You know?
I-I don't know, Kev. I just thought maybe I'd give it a shot.
(Kevin quickly grabs the ball from Paul as shoots a lay-up, then tosses the ball to Paul.)
One - nothin'.
(Paul looks at Kevin coolly, then bounces the ball slowly.)
So we played. And for the first time ever...Paul didn't do a running commentary on the action. To this day, I don't know if I was really hot...or if Paul was really cold. But, what I did know was...I was teaching Paul a lesson.
Ow! Foul!
A lesson he'd never forget.
Hey...
And it was for his own good.
(Kevin blocks Paul's shot, recovers the ball, dribbles, then shoots a basket.)
Swish! (Smiles.) Twenty one - three. And the game. I win. (Smiles.)
For the record...win number seven hundred and ninety.
So. (Smirks.) Ya wanna go again? (Nods.)
(Paul frowns and looks down. Kevin tosses the ball to him.)
Go ahead...
(Kevin smiles and backs up.)
Free shot.
(Paul frowns at Kevin, turns away, walks a few steps down the driveway, forcefully sets the ball down, and turns toward Kevin, then picks up his books and jacket and walks away.)
You know, people just don't always appreciate the nice things you try to do for them...
(Fade to the school hallway. Paul approaches his locker. Kevin trails behind him.)
The day after victory number seven-hundred and ninety, things were a little touchy.
(Paul puts his arm out toward his locker, cutting off Kevin accidentally.)
Hey.
(Kevin squeezes past Paul to his own locker. Paul looks after him.)
But I didn't avoid Paul.
Hey.
(They dial their combos.)
And he didn't avoid me, either.
(They open their lockers simultaneously. Cut to the cafeteria. Kevin sits at a table as Paul approaches with a tray.)
We were just...non-chalant.
(Paul puts his tray at the opposite corner from Kevin, then sits down.)
I was non-chalant...
Hey.
He was non-chalant...
Hey.
It was kind of like the non-chalant challenge.
(They open their drinks and sip simultaneously. Cut to the lockers as Kevin dials the combo and Paul approaches and pauses behind him, then hurries to his own locker and sighs.)
But by the end of the day it was clear. Somebody had to break the ice.
What's goin' on? (Smiles.)
Oh, nothing.
So, do you want to come over to my house after school today? (Smiles.)
Can't.
Obviously a bald-faced lie.
Well, you know, I could really use your help studying for history. (Smiles.) I mean...that stuff's really tough, you know? And besides, "Mission: Impossible"'s on at four th-
Thanks, but...I got something I gotta do.
I couldn't believe it. I'd explained to him...argued with him...and the kid still wouldn't listen to reason.
Like what?
Basketball try-outs.
What?
I couldn't believe it. I'd explained to him...argued with him...and the kid still wouldn't listen to reason.
Seeya.
*
(Kevin had jinxed Paul during try-outs. Now, it's another night on the Arnold driveway. Kevin bounces the basketball.)
When you're fourteen...bruises heal quickly. Some of them, anyway. But that night...I felt a kind of hurt I knew wasn't just gonna disappear. Not by itself.
(Kevin gets set to shoot again, and Paul approaches and bounces his ball.)
I want a game.
What?
You heard me. I want a game.
Why? (Frowns.) So I can beat ya one more time? (Nods.)
Who says you're gonna beat me?
Paul, I beat ya every time.
Yeah. Well maybe not this time.
Forget it. I don't really feel like lettin' ya win. (Frowns.)
I want a game!
Paul, come on. I've been creaming ya for the past fourteen years! (Gestures.) What makes ya think it's ever gonna be any different?
Because!
Because what?
Because things change, Kev. I've changed.
Not to me.
I know.
(Kevin tosses the ball to him.)
Prove it. (Points.) Loser's out.
(Paul dribbles past Kevin for a lay-up.)
One - zip.
(Kevin drives and makes a shot.)
One up.
(They continue to play.)
That night...Paul Pfeiffer and I played the most important game of our lives.
Eight - six. Mine.
We both played hard. And we both played to win. And no game ever mattered more. To both of us.
Eleven - ten. Mine.
Maybe change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go. But that night...after seven-hundred ninety consecutive loses...Paul finally beat me.

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(Ep 55 - "A Very Cutlip Christmas")

(The locker room.)
Cutlip's a raving lunatic!
He has absolutely no Christmas spirit.
He makes us dust the floor in front of the girl's gym class. And Doug with his underwear hangin' out.
My underwear was showing?!
Somebody oughtta do something to that guy.
Hey don't get me involved with this. I gotta play basketball for the guy.
It seemed Paul was about the only one of my colleagues who had a real sense of reality.

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(Ep 56 - "The Candidate")

(In the cafeteria, Becky is handing out promotional campaign material.)
This is a disgrace. (Frowns.)
Paul.
An outrage! (Gestures.) The nominations haven't even closed yet, and she's giving out buttons.
Paul, calm down.
An election with just one candidate - how could this happen?!
Simple. It's Becky Slater. Nobody's stupid enough to run against her.
This is a democracy. We should have a choice.
Poor Paul. A lone Jeffersonian in a sea of teenage apathy. Me, I was more of a realist.
Paul, it's just a stupid election. No one really cares who wins. (Smiles.)
Well, I refuse to accept that. I'm not gonna vote for her.
Me neither. (Frowns.) I'm gonna vote for...Donald Duck. (Nods.)
Very funny.
(Paul stands and walks off, followed by Kevin.)
If you hate it so much, why don't you do something about it?
Like what?
Like, run against her.
Are you nuts? I'd get creamed.
Hey...your either part of the solution, or you're part of the problem. Right?
Whatever that meant.
OK, then...(Nods.) Maybe I will do something.
Fine!
After all, if Paul wanted to rage against the system, that was his business.
*
(Kevin hears on the loud-speaker that he has been nominated. Now, he sees Paul in the hallway.)
You!
(Paul looks over his shoulder, then runs around the corner. Cut to the busses. Paul walks next to them as Kevin catches up to him and grabs his elbow.)
Are you crazy!
Now, Kev, look...(Gestures.)
How could you do this to me?!
Easy. I just walked up to the administration office and signed you...
Yeah. (Waves.) Well just walk right back and unsign me!
I can't do that. the nominations have already been announced.
Alright. Then I'll do it myself!
You're gonna miss the bus. Let's just talk about this first.
Alright. So talk.
(Cut to on the bus. Kevin walks down the aisle, followed by Paul.)
Kevin, I've given this a lot of thought, and I think you could be a really good student council president.
Yeah, right.
Come on....(Shrugs.) You're a regular guy...honorable, ethical, responsible...Just think about it.
(Paul walks past Kevin.)
It was the heart-felt support of an old and dear friend. So, of course...there was only one possible response.
Paul, get off it...
(Kevin sits next to Paul.)
Huh?
Oh, come on! Give me one good reason not to run.
Clearly, it was time to instruct the guy in the basics of ninth-grade political philosophy.
Because, I'd make a complete fool out of myself. And I'd be the laughing-stock of the school. OK? (Nods.)
OK, then, if that's the way you feel...
That's the way I feel. (Nods.)
OK, then...
And, that was that.
(Cut to the Pizza Barn as Kevin approaches Paul and Winnie who are sitting at a table.)
Kevin, you didn't tell me you were running for election! (Smiles.)
(Kevin frowns at Paul.)
Hey, I just mentioned it.
Yeah, well, forget it. (Nods.) I'm resigning tomorrow.
I think you'd make a wonderful student-council president. (Smiles.)
Look, Winnie -
Well, why not? We believe in you...
That's what I've been telling him.
Great. The support of a trusted friend wasn't bad enough...now I had the love of a good woman to go with it. This was getting intolerable.
Once and for all...it's a bad idea. I mean...give me one good reason why I should put myself through something like that. (Nods.)
(Becky approaches from behind them and stands next to Kevin.)
Kevin?
Uh, Becky...
I just came over to offer my congratulations.
Well, actually -
I must say, I'm looking forward to running against you.
You are?
This is gonna be fun.
What do you mean by that?
(Becky leans very close to him.)
I'm gonna chop you up into little pieces, Kevin. I'm gonna destroy you.
Huh?
Think of it this way. I always knew you were a loser. Now, everybody else will, too. (Smiles.) Good luck! (Exits.)
And right then, I had my first taste of what motivates all really successful politicians. Revenge.
What would I have to do?
Leave everything to me. (Smiles.) I'll organize a campaign meeting.
Isn't this exciting? (Smiles.)
We'll get the best minds at school behind you. (Nods.)
(Cut to Arnold basement. The "Three Stooges" is on TV. Randy, Doug, and Tommy are sitting on the sofa, imitating the Three Stooges. Paul and Kevin walk behind them. Paul holds a large rolled up paper.)
These are the best minds in junior high school?
It was short notice. Besides...(gestures)...these guys are absolutely loyal.
Made you wonder if Millard Fillmore started out this way.
Well, well, well...who do we have here? "Losers anonymous"?
(Paul walks to the TV and turns it off.)
Hey, that was my favorite part. (Frowns.)
Nevermind. Let's call this meeting to order. We're here to elect Kevin Arnold to be student council president. Any suggestions?
(No one responds.)
And...it was time for the brain-trust to spring into action.
Wait a minute - I got it. How about..."Vote...(gestures)...for a scrote". (Laughs.)
Wayne - get out.
(Wayne exits.)
Nothing like your basic grass-roots support.
Hey, Kev? Do you have any more potato chips upstairs?
And a couple more sodas, too.
And could you grab some Ring Dings while you're up?
OK, OK...(Gestures.) I've heard enough. This meeting's officially over. (Frowns.)
Hey, it was just an idea...
Yeah, look, if you don't want our help...
I heard the had fried chicken at Becky's meeting...
And it might have all ended right there. Except...
Wait. Guys. Let's take a look at this.
(Paul unrolls the paper and puts it on the coffee table.)
That's when it happened.
It's simple, direct, and to the point, but I think it might work...
(Everyone looks at it and smiles.)
It was beautiful.
(The poster which reads "Kevin Arnold - The Right Man For The Job".)
A four-color, Roman-faced testament to hope...and service...and nobility. Plus, it was the first time I had ever seen my name on anything bigger than a report card.
Wow.
And in that moment...I did what every politician since time began has done...I believed my own press.
Cool...(Nods.)
(Cut to the quad. The guys try to interest passing students.)
How ya doin'?
Have a campaign button.
Kevin Arnold - hope you'll vote...
So began my campaign for student council president.
Anybody want a button?
Fact is, it was fun getting out and pressing the flesh. Not that there was a lot of flesh interested in being pressed.
(Paul approaches one boy in particular.)
Excuse me. Would you like to meet Kevin Arnold, candidate for president?
Hey...
(He puts his hand out.)
Nice to meet you, Kevin.
No, no, I meant - over there. (Points.)
Oh, yeah.
Hi. I'm running for president. (Smiles.)
Far out. What are you gonna do if you win?
Hmmm. Hadn't had time to consider that.
I have a few ideas! (Smiles.)
Great! Like what? (Smiles.)
So, I tried to put myself in his shoes. How would he like his life to be better?
Well, I've...always thought we should have a student suggestion box. (Smiles.)
(The boy is unimpressed. Paul gestures dramatically.)
Now, there's an idea. (Nods.)
Wow! (Smiles.)
*
(In the cafeteria, Becky's cheerleaders are cheering.)
Gimme a "B"...Gimme an "E"...Gimme a "C"..."K"..."Y". What d'ya get? Becky Slater! Yeahhhhh!
We'd been out-manned, out-gunned, out-cheerleadered. Out-Slatered. Not that we were ready to throw in the towel.
That's it. (Gestures.) I give up.
What?! (Frowns.)
He's right. She's got better posters than us, better volunteers than us...and better snacks than us.
So? (Shrugs.) We're not doing so badly.
(Kevin and Paul look at each other.)
Considering.
Considering what?
I-I just think we have to be patient, that's all. (Nods.) Sooner or later, people will start to notice us.
(A girl approaches.)
Excuse me. You're Kevin Arnold, aren't you? The one who's running for student-council?
Yeah! Yeah, kinda.
Well, I just want you to know...you left these on the bus.
(The girl flops Kevin's posters on the table and turns away, smiling slightly. Kevin picks up the posters and looks at Paul, then puts the posters on the empty chair.)
OK, so Rome wasn't built in day. I still think you're the right man for the job.
Paul, please, don't give me that. (Gestures.) There's no way we're gonna win this thing!
Facts were facts. It was time to face the truth. Take my medicine like a man.
Kevin?
And the doctor was in.
I just dropped over to see how things were going.
Well...
I'll handle this. (Gestures.) For your information, Becky, our campaign is going quite well.
Really?! That's odd. I didn't realize Kevin was still in the race.
Look...(Gestures.)
Hey, we're doing OK!
Guys! (Gestures.)
Maybe you'd like me...
(Becky smoothes her skirt and sits down on the chair with Kevin's posters on it.)
To throw some votes your way. Just to make it exciting.
He doesn't need your votes. (Frowns.) Thank you very much.
Well...don't say I didn't offer.
(Becky stands up and turns around. A poster is stuck to her dress.)
And that was that. It was hopeless. This race was over.
(Paul starts to laugh, as do others. The sign on her dress reads "KEVIN ARNOLD - THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB".)
Except...maybe it wasn't.
(Becky looks around, confused, as kids continue to laugh.)
*
(In science class, Doug proposes to drop stinkbombs durings Becky's campaign speech. Paul takes the box from Doug.)
You guys are out of your minds, you know that?
(Doug takes the box back.)
Hey, be careful!
Look, you don't need this kind of help to win. What you need is a good speech. Have you written one yet?
(Kevin looks at doodles in his notebook paper.)
Well...
Fact is, I'd been a little preoccupied with form to worry about substance.
I'm working on it. (Smiles.)
Write the speech, Kev.
Don't worry. (Gestures.) I will.
Except, as it happens...you won't need to. Why write your own...when you can have Becky's?
(Tommy flops a paper onto Kevin's desk. Kevin picks it up and looks at it.)
See, Amy Broadwell copied it from Becky's notebook, and, you know...since you speak first, I figured it's your chance to steal her fire.
And there it was. The essence of politics. Morally reprehensible. And a guaranteed winner.
Wait a minute. Amy Broadwell gave this to you. Just like that? (Snaps fingers.)
Well, I had to promise her a little something. You know. For after the election.
Well, what kind of something.
Hall monitor.
(Paul frowns at Kevin.)
We gotta talk!
(Cut to boys restroom as the bell rings.)
Guess I knew what he was gonna say.
You're not gonna actually use that, are you?
Well...(Gestures.)
(Paul snatches the paper from Kevin.)
Good. I knew I could count on you. That's why I nominated you in the first place. Do I make myself clear?
Sure.
(Paul turns and puts the speech in the trashcan, then exits.)
And there ya had it. Paul as usual...was right. On the other hand...what did Paul know about it? On the other hand, it was up to me to do the right thing. On the other hand, in politics, who's to say what's right and what's wrong?
(Kevin removes the speech from the trash.)
There was no turning back.
*
(In the auditorium. Paul sees Kevin holding Becky's speech.)
So you're really gonna do it. (Nods.)
Hey. Mind your own business, alright? (Frowns.)
If you say so.
(Mrs. Ritvo is at the podium.)

Mr. Holier-than-thou.
(Paul approaches the podium.)
Who cared what he thought? What was he gonna do about it? Except, of course...bust me in public.
Students, faculty...let me tell ya about Kevin Arnold.
Here it came.
He may not be the most popular kid in school...not the smartest...or the most athletic. But he's honest. And true. He's every man. The kid without a name who sits behind you in class. The guy down the lunch line who hates green beans, too.
The funny thing is...
(Paul looks at Kevin.)
Even though the was standing in front of hundreds of kids...I knew he was talking to me.
Kevin Arnold, is someone you can count on to do the right thing. Kevin Arnold...someone who I believe in.
(Paul turns toward Kevin. Polite applause starts. Kevin approaches Paul at the podium.)
Good luck.

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(Ep 57 - "Heartbreak")

(Lockers.)
Study for your English test?
I got it nailed! (Smiles.)
Glad to here it. I'm going to fail mine.
Life at RFK Junior High. It was hours of sheer boredom.
Kevin? (Smiles.) Hi!
Uh, Hi! (Smiles.)
Broken only by moments of sheer horror.
So, I'll see you in French class?
Uh, sure!
(She walks away as Kevin and Paul look after her. Paul is grinning.)
Madeline Adams. She was beautiful...smart. Not to mention - totally dangerous.
(Kevin absent-mindedly puts on his jacket as he gazes at Madeline.)
Kev? You going to wear that to class?
Oh, uh...
OK, so I was tempted. But that's all. Nothing more. I was a one-woman man. Faithful forever.
*
(In Mr. Cantwell's science class.)
Fact is, by the middle of ninth grade, life had become pretty routine. No shocks, no surprises.
Class, this week we will be conducting a joint field trip with Lincoln Junior High.
Just the occasional miracle.
We'll go to the natural history museum...to gaze upon the bleached bones of animals which have preceded us into extinction.
Scientifically, it meant one thing.
Winnie gets to go with us! (Smiles.)
Oh, right. Cool!
It will be gobs of fun. (Chuckles.)
It was the best news I'd heard all year. Me and my baby were going on a field trip.
(Bell rings. The students start to exit. Doug Porter approaches.)
This is going to be great.
Yessir! Anything can happen on a field trip.
Know what I heard? This museum is supposed to have an exhibit of an Indian tribal village.
(Cut to the hallway.Randy has joined them.)
And I heard that a lot of the Indian women...aren't wearing any tops.
I just can't imagine they're going to let us see that!
Yeah? Well I know something even better than that! (Gestures.)
Better?
Better!
What could possibly be better than that?
Well, my cousin told me that up on the fourth floor they have a room the public isn't allowed into. And in this room they keep something you'll never believe. You ever hear of that gangster, John Dillinger?
Now, I think we all know what Randy Mitchell was talking about here.
*
Doug just snuck onto the Lincoln bus! And Winnie'll be here any...
(Paul pops up and sees Madeline sitting next to Kevin, and hesitates. She looks coolly at him.)
Oh, my gosh!
(Winnie enters the bus.)
So, uh, Madeline. If you don't mind...
Sorry.
(She shrugs then exits.)
Wow! (Smiles.) You got 'em hanging all over you!
Maybe so. But the whole thing had been too close for comfort.
*
(In the museum.)
So where are the jars with the you-know-what?
(Paul is looking at a pamphlet.)
It's hard to tell. You know, this guidebook doesn't even say they have a fourth floor.
*
Couple, not a couple. Winnie, who cares? You don't see me talking to my friends, do you?
(Winnie looks offended. Paul, Randy and Doug approach behind Kevin.)
Hi, Kevin. Hi, Winnie!
(An exhibit film can be heard.)
New life forms began to appear.
OK, OK. Bad timing.
Uh...Hi, guys.
Great news! We found an elevator marked private.
(Winnie is getting mad.)
That's got to be the way to the room on the fourth floor!
So what do you say? Are you going to come?
Uh, no...I can't. (Shrugs.)
(Kevin realizes he mis-spoke, and looks over his shoulder at Winnie.)
Oops!
(Winnie looks hurt. Kevin looks worried as he turns back to the guys.)
I mean, no thanks. I don't want to. (Shrugs.)
OK, then...we'll let you know.
(Paul turns toward Randy.)
Come on.
*
(The guys are getting on the bus.)
Bad news, Kevin! We got shut out of the fourth floor.
Yeah! Before they kicked us out I think I saw it.
I don't think that was it.
I think that was it.
I told you we should have stayed with the group. At least we could have seen the Indian women.
(Paul notices Kevin is dejected.)
You OK, Kev?
Yeah. Sure.
(Paul joins Doug.)
How do you know I didn't see it?

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(Ep 58 - "Denial")

(Cafeteria.)
This is all a mistake!
Huh?
What happened - with Winnie and me?
Oh, that.
It's just a big understanding, right?
Well...
She's probably just mad at me. Don't you think?
Kev...
Yeah?
It's over. (Shrugs.)
What?
Well, I'm sorry, but that's what I think. I mean it's pretty clear. She met this guy...she likes him better...(Gestures.)
Who asked you?! (Frowns.)
Well, you did. Remember?
That's not the point.
(Kevin stands up. Peter Armbruster approaches him.)
Hey, Arnold! Heard the "Super Cooper" dropped you like a rotten egg. Sorry! (Exits.)
Great. (Frowns.)
One little tiff with my girlfriend, and suddenly I'm headline news.
Kev? Maybe you should just...accept it.
*
I'm having a party!
A what?
It seems like a good time. What do you think?
Why are you having a party?
Well, I have a lot of friends I can invite. (Smiles.)
Hey, no need to show all of my cards.
Like Winnie?
(Paul raises his eyebrows. Kevin tries to be nonchalant.)
Yeah, for example.
Frankly, Kev...(shrugs)...it sounds a little obvious.
Uh-huh. Well...that's why we're gonna have it at your house. (Smiles.)
What?
Paul, if you're a friend, you'll do this.
(Paul shakes his head.)
Forget it.
(Cut to the Pizza Barn. Paul and Winnie are at a table in the distance.)
Yeah, I'd love to go!
Great, great.
What time?
It was a stroke of genius, planned...
About seven o'clock...
(Kevin spills drink into his lap. He is embarrassed and grabs some napkins.)
By a mastermind.
Well, see you there.
(Paul returns to Kevin's table.)
So what did she say?
She's gonna come.
Really?
And she thinks the luau thing is a going to be perfect.
What?
You have any good recipes for spinach dip?
Paul! (Gestures.) Did my name come up?
Oh, of course!
(He gestures reassuringly.)
She asked if you were going to be there.
Good...good. Did she seem happy?
(Paul nods slowly.)
Yeah...yeah, she was happy.
I knew it! (Smiles.)
(Winnie approaches.)
Kevin? Hi.
Hi. (Smiles.)
Well, uh, I'd better be getting home.
(Paul has an embarrassed smile. He looks at each of them.)
Got a party to plan!
(Paul hurriedly exits.)
Oops!
(Sound of a collision.)
Sorry!
*
I was going to throw a party for the girl I loved...and her boyfriend.
(Fade to school hallway as Kevin hurries after Paul.)
By the next day, I had figured out a very workable solution to my problems.
Paul!
Kev, forget it, I am not canceling the party!
Why not!
(Paul starts to dial his combination.)
Because everybody is coming. My mom already bought seven cases of cola, eight bags of potato chips. And four different colored streamers.
(Paul shakes his head and dials his combo again.)
Just like the guy - always thinking of himself.
Paul, you gotta cancel it.
Kev, you're the one who told me to invite them. (Frowns.)
I told you to invite her, not uh, "What's-his-name".
Roger?
(Kevin frowns.)
Sorry.
(Paul opens his locker. Kevin slams it shut.)
Sorry? That's all you have to say is "sorry"?
How was I supposed to know that she was gonna bring him? (Frowns.)
Well, I...You're th-
Kev, forget it. The party's happening.
Faced with a betrayal of this magnitude, the line had to be drawn.
OK, then - I'm not coming.
No way the guy was going to throw a party without me. Heh-heh.
(Paul in mild disbelief, and shrugs.)
Too bad. You're going to miss the party of the decade.
*
(At the party, Paul walks around, offering snacks.)
Cheeseballs?
(He walks to another group.)
Cheeseballs?
(Nobody wants one.)
As the party was getting into gear, Paul was on edge.
*
(Kevin and Winnie introduce Madeline and Roger.)
And it was high time for them to turn tail and run.
(Paul hurriedly approaches and looks at Winnie and Roger.)
Hi, guys! I'm glad you could make it - the spinach dip is amazing.
Hi, Paul.
Oh, let me take your things.
Rats! Foiled by spinach dip. It was time to call an audible.
Let's dance.
Good idea.
*
(Kevin walks backwards into a girl, causing her to drop her cup. Everybody looks at him.)
No doubt about it. I was the center of attention.
(To girl): Sorry.
(The girl runs off. Paul picks up her cup.)
Maybe it's time for you to take a breather, Kev.
Hey!
(He glances in Winnie's direction, then nods at Paul.)
Is this a party or what?
I don't get it. (Frowns.)

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(Ep 60 - "Courage")

(At the dentist office with Miss Hasenfuss.)
I admired her for her, uh...
(Miss Hasenfuss smiles and holds up a toothbrush.)
I saved you the blue one.
Tooth brushes...
Thanks! (Smiles.)
And she admired me for my courage.
(Cut to the basement with Doug and Tommy. Doug holds a whoopee-cushion toward Paul.)
What's the matter - you chicken?
Courage in ninth-grade being a relative thing.
No, I'm not chicken. I'm just not crazy. (Gestures.)
He's chicken.
(Tommy and Doug make chicken-clucking sounds.)
Come on, guys, knock it off! Will ya? (Frowns.)
Look, all he has to do is slip this thing onto Mr. Gardenia's chair in study hall. It'll be a riot! (Smiles.)
Maybe he'll think it's not so funny. (Nods.)
(Doug and Tommy lean closer and make chicken-clucking sounds.)
Guys, give it up! If he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't want to do it. (Gestures.)
Yeah.
OK, then - you do it!
Why don't you do it? It's your idea.
(Doug and Tommy look at Kevin and make chicken-clucking sounds.)
At fourteen, true heroism has less to do with actual logic...and more to do with pure stupidity.
OK - I'll do it! (Frowns.) But you guys have to do it next time.
Yeah! (Smiles.)
Alright! (smiles.)
You guys are completely idiotic. (Frowns.)

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 61 - "Buster")

(Kevin and Paul are at a pet store counter.)
You're a lucky guy, Kev.
What are you talkin' about?
(The clerk sets a box of canned dog food down. Paul points at it.)
That!
Dog food?
You're providing for man's best friend. Now, that's nothing to scoff at. (Nods.)
Paul, have you ever smelled this stuff? (Frowns.)
Well, no, but -
Yeah, well, lemme tell ya...you're not missin' much.
Hey, at least you get to have a dog. (Gestures.)
OK, then. If you're so crazy about dogs, why don't you just get one.
My parents won't let me.
(Paul gestures with both arms.)
They say a dog'll ruin the furniture. And that every time we go on vacation, we're gonna have to worry about what to do with it. But do they care what I think? A boy should have a dog! What childhood is complete without one?
Years later, Paul would wind up on a couch talking to a professional about it.
Paul, trust me. It's not that great. Really! I mean, taking care of dogs isn't as easy as it looks. You gotta feed 'em, and bathe 'em, and walk 'em. Believe me - it's no picnic.
Old Yeller saved his family from a bear.

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(Ep 63 - "When Worlds Collide")

(In class.)
So, I'd passed the critical hurdle. I'd crossed the mine field. With mom safely stashed in the attendance office...I was feeling good again. Cool again.
(Paul approaches.)
Hey! Kev! Guess who I ran into at the attendance office? Your mom! Oh - she wanted me to give this to you.
(Paul fishes in his pocket, and dangles a shoelace in front of Kevin.)
Oh, my gosh! There was only one way to handle this.
(Kevin laughs exaggeratedly, and points at Paul.)
That's a pretty good one, Paul!
Huh?
My mother? I don't even have a mother! (Gestures.)
What?
Well, of course I have a mother - but she's not here, Paul. Gimme that! (Frowns.)
(Kevin takes the shoelace.)
But I just saw her! (Gestures.)
No you didn't, Paul.
But I'm sure I -
No you didn't, Paul. You did not see my mother, Paul - do I make myself clear?
(Kevin glares at Paul.)
Oh...(Frowns.)
Take you seats, please!
OK, I'd weaseled my way out of it. But it was clear if I was gonna survive this...I was gonna have to lay low. Avoid public situations.
(The fire-alarm rings.)
Like, say...
(CLASS): Fire-drill!
(Cut to the parking lot as students exit the building.)
Now, ordinarily a junior-high fire-drill has all the excitement of a four-week vacation packed into ten minutes. But when everyone else was partying...I was busy keeping watch.
(Kevin sees Norma next to Mr. Diperna.)
There she is.
(Kevin hides behind Paul.)
Who?
My mother! What's she doing now?
Oh. She's talking to Mr. Diperna.
Diperna?! (Frowns.)
Great. Invading my turf wasn't bad enough - now she was fraternizing with the enemy.
This is unbelievable!
Kev? Aren't you making kind of a big deal out of this? I mean, look at you - hiding from your own flesh-and-blood? (Shrugs.)
Easy for him to say. It wasn't his flesh-and-blood.
Paul, just stay out of this, OK?
Oh, come on! (Gestures.) What's she doing to hurt you?
Well...
And suddenly, I felt ashamed. Paul, as usual, was right.
(Norma spots Kevin and mouths: "Oh, there he is...", and points.)
This was my mother. And for that one moment, I actually forgave her.
(Norma smiles and waves.)
Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! Hi, honey!
Just for a moment, though.
*
(Later at the lockers.)
In one fell swoop...I'd plunged from the top third of coolest...to the bottom of the barrel.
(Paul approaches and dials his combo. Kevin points at him.)
This is your fault!
Mine?!
Why does this have to happen to me?!
It happened because your mother cared enough to say hello when she saw you.
But somehow, I doubted that.
Paul, what am I gonna do?
Well...(shrugs)...there's only one thing to do...talk to her. Tell her how you feel. (Smiles.)
I don't know...(shakes head)...I don't - I don't think so.
(A girl approaches.)
Kev-in! Yoo-hoo!
(The girl makes a big kissing sound, and smiles.)

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(Ep 64 - "Separate Rooms")

(Doug, Kevin and Paul are walking on the sidewalk.)
You wore his underwear? Ewww!
Look, just...don't remind me about it, OK?
Man! I think I'd kill myself!
Come on, guys - cut it out. I mean, it's not that bad.
Oh, yeah? What could be worse?
Well, lemme see...
Paul, just drop it, OK? (Frowns.)
Sure. Just, he is your brother. (Gestures.) You're lucky to have one.
Easy for Paul to say. He didn't have a brother.
(Kevin turns toward Paul.)
Paul. Trust me. I can't get away from him - he's driving me crazy!
Sure...(nods)...but what about the good things? The comraderie, the easy give-and-take...the heartfelt respect.
(Wayne pulls up behind them in his car.)
Hey! Butthead! (Points.) Don't touch my stuff!
(Wayne drives off.)
I still say you're lucky. Having someone to talk to...someone there to share your dreams...
(Paul looks off and frowns slightly.)
Someone sleeping next to you at night.
*
(Kevin and Wayne have argued about who moves into Karen's room. Now, Paul, Kevin and Doug are in the cafeteria.)
I don't get it. What's the big deal? It's just a room.
Look, Paul - it's not that simple. (Gestures.) There are principles at stake, here!
What principles?
Well...(gestures)...it's my room! (Frowns.)
True.
(Paul holds up a finger.)
But it's his room, too, right? And he is older, which gives him seniority.
Oh, OK. (Nods.) Take his side. (Gestures.)
Well, sorry. But you did say...
Well, just forget I said anything. (Frowns.) OK? (Nods.)

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(Ep 65 - "The Yearbook")

(In the cafeteria, Peter sets his tray down. He also has a plate of hotdogs.)
Meet Peter Armbruster. Otherwise known as..."Pig".
Let's eat! (Smiles.)
(Peter rubs his hands together, takes a big bite of hotdog, then waves at Kevin, Paul and another boy at the other end of the table.)
Hey, guys.
Hey, Peter.
Hey, Peter. (Smiles.)
Not that anyone ever called him "Pig" to his face. Still...
Oh my God! He's gonna go for all five!
As images go, it wasn't pretty.
(Peter smiles toward the guys and talks with his mouth full.)
Woops - ketchup!
(Peter sets his food down as he shakes his head, then stands up, as the guys watch him.)
Excuse me!
Face it. In the looks-conscious world of ninth-grade...
(A boy bumps into Peter's arm, causing Peter to drop something on the floor.)
Watch it, man!
There was only one way to sum up a guy like Peter.
Uh-oh.
(Peter bends over to pick up the item off the floor. Kevin and Paul frown and cover their eyes.)
Ohhhhhhh!
He just didn't seem to care.
(Peter walks toward the cafeteria line, adjusting his pants. Cut to the hallway. Kevin is at his open locker. Paul stands next to him with his hands together, looking toward the camera.)
Then again...moving from the ridiculous to the sublime...meet Brad Patterson and Marci Doran. RFK's prince and princess of popularity. They had it all.
(Brad and Marci approach. The "wind" blows their hair back, and Marci shakes her head from side-to-side.)
The looks, the moves, the clothes. Even their hair was popular.
(Kevin and Paul watch Brad and Marci pass them.)
Not that we were impressed.
(Paul smiles slightly as he looks over Marci.)
Gosh...they are so cool. Do you think they look like that when they wake up?
OK, so Paul was impressed. But not me. Not much.
Oh, come on. What have they got that we don't have?
Well, he's the captain of the football team...(gestures)...her dad owns a corporation...and they're both running the yearbook this year...(gestures)...and that's just for starters. You?
Paul, they're just people like you and me.
*
(Kevin has just finished talking to Brad and Marci at the busses as Paul approaches him.)
Was that Brad and Marci?
Yep!
Talking to you? (Points.)
Sure! (Frowns.)
Why?
They asked me to be on the yearbook staff, OK?
You mean you're going to their house?
(Paul walks past Kevin, shaking his head slightly.)
Unbelievable.
What are you talking about?
What are you going do do? What are you gonna say? What are you gonna wear? (Frowns.)
I probably won't even change.
*
(At Marci's house, Kevin wears his best sweater, and comes up with the yearbook quote for Peter - "Let's eat!".)
And so, with that one simple phrase...my reputation soared. My image was made. I was in. For that night, anyway.
(Cut to the cafeteria. Kevin has his sweater draped over his shoulders.)
The next day, though, in the cold light of dawn...things didn't seem so great.
What's with the threads? (Frowns.)
(Kevin glances down, then looks at Paul.)
Knock it off, Paul! (Frowns.)
So. Guess it went pretty well last night, huh? (Shrugs.) What'd you guys do?
(Kevin slows up and looks off uncomfortably.)
Nothing. Just...quotes.
(Peter approaches them.)
Hey, guys! (Smiles.)
Hi, Peter.
Yow. The secret of my success, himself.
You guys missed the show! I was crackin' up over there...and I laughed so hard, milk came out of my nose!
Gee, Peter, that's...(shrugs)...great! (Smiles.)
Well...seeya! (Exits.)
(Kevin and Paul look after him as they sit at a table.)
What is he thinking? I mean, if that poor guy only knew what people said about him behind his back.
Uh-huh.
Or wrote about him in the yearbook.
So. What'd you write about me? (Frowns.)
Huh?
My quote. Come up with somethin' good for me?
Oh. (Frowns.) Paul - we only got through the "L's". (Gestures.) Besides, what's it matter? It's just a stupid quote.
You're joking, right? (Smiles.) This is the way we're gonna be remembered, Kev. Forever. My parents are gonna be reading those quotes.
Paul, enough...(Nods.)
And my grandchildren.
It wasn't quite the message I wanted to hear.
(Peter passes by Brad and Marci in the distance as he eats ice-cream.)
Hi, guys...
(Brad, Marci and others at a table giggle. Brad looks at Kevin and gestures toward Peter and mouthes "Let's eat" and smiles.)
You might as well face up to it, Kev. You're writing history, here.

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(Ep 66 - "The Accident")

(At the skating rink, Winnie approaches.)
Hi guys!
Winnie! Hey, stranger. (Smiles.)
Hi. (Smiles.)
Hi.
How've you been?
Good. You?
OK. (Smiles.)
It had been two months since Winnie and I broke up, but to me she was still the same.
(Paul points at Winnie.)
You changed your hair!
Yeah. And I got my ears pierced, see?
*
(Lockers.)
Sometimes you can be so dense. (Frowns.)
What're you talking about? (Frowns.)
Isn't it obvious? She broke up with Roger...she came to your house. Don't you see what this means? She wants you back.
Of course, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered the possibility.
I don't think so. (Frowns.)
Uh huh.
Paul, Winnie and I have a different relationship now.
Right.
*
(At the skating rink. In the distance, Winnie is smiling and talking to older kids at the railing. Kevin and Paul sit on a bench, putting on skates.)
I don't get it.
What?
Winnie. Look at her! (Gestures.)
She looks OK to me.
Paul, those guys are juniors!
So?
Paul, we're talking about guys with driver's licenses!
But it wasn't just the driver's licenses that bothered me. It was that smile on Winnie's face.
She didn't look like that yesterday. (Frowns.)
Come on. Let's skate.
(Paul skates away. Kevin stays on the bench.)
Easy for Paul to say. But for some reason I didn't feel like skating.
*
(In the school hallway. Kevin walks forward quickly, frowning.)
I decided to give up skating.
(Paul hurries after Kevin.)
Kev!
What? (Sighs.)
About Winnie -
Paul!
Kev!
What!?
I'd done enough talking about her, worrying about her.
She had an accident. Last night, in a car. With those kids.
(Kevin stares at Paul a moment, then turns and runs down the crowded hallway.)

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(Ep 68 - "Graduation")

(At the graduation rehersal, some kids are goofing off, and Kevin, Randy and Doug smile.)
Shhh! Come on, guys. This is serious.
(Mr. Diperna is at the podium.)
Alright, people...
Yeah, come on - Pfeiffster's gotta make a speech. (Smiles.)
After my opening remarks...
(Randy and Doug feign sleep and make snoring sounds.)
When your names are called...you'll walk up the right-hand aisle, to collect your diplomas.
(Barbella raises his hand.)
Yes.
Do I get one this year?
(The audience giggles.)
I fail to see the humor in that, Mr. Barbella.
Just checkin'. (Smiles.)
I don't get it. (Frowns.) This is a major moment in our lives. Isn't anyone aware of that?
But if Paul was looking for allies...
(Randy and Doug frown and shake their heads.)
He was in the wrong camp.
Get off it, Pfeiffer.
Yeah, come on Paul - lighten up. It's just a stupid graduation. (Frowns.)
To you maybe. Not to me.

*
(In the hallway, Kevin sees Mrs. Heimer talking to another woman.)
Miss White!
Miss White. My secret flame.
(She turns toward Kevin revealing an advanced strate of pregnancy.)
Mrs. Heimer. Remember?
Oh. (Nods.) Right. (Smiles.)
(She walks away with the other woman. Paul approaches behind Kevin and adjusts his glasses.)
Boy. (Frowns.) What happened to her? (Frowns.)
*
(Getting on the bus.)
Paul, tell me this isn't true.
Look, Kev - I wanted to tell ya, but -
I don't believe this! Prep school? (Gestures.) Paul, nobody goes to prep school!
Nobody who was my best friend, anyway.
Paul!
(They sit down.)
Let's not make a bigger deal out of this than it is.
Oh, yeah...what was this - your parent's idea?
(Paul makes a face and looks off.)
This was your idea?! (Frowns.)
Kev...it's just a country day-school...(shrugs)...I'll be back in the afternoons!
"Country day-school"? What are ya gonna wear? Little frilly dresses and parasols? (Frowns.)
OK - that was mean. I admit it. I meant it to be mean - I loved this guy.
Look...it's you and me we're talkin' about. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
Kevin. It's not then end of the world. (Frowns.)
(Cut to Mr. Cantwell's class.)
Armageddon...the final frontier...the splitting of atoms...the tearing apart of nature's closest bonds. Let's take a look.
OK, I was mad. I felt lost. My best friend had betrayed me. So, of course, there was really only one thing to say.
So. Got your polo outfit all picked out?
What? (Frowns.)
Maybe you should start smoking a pipe. That'd be pretty stupid.
Yep. Thought I'd be real adult about this.
And you'll need some new underwear. I hear all those guys wear pink.
Please...I need your complete attention.
But I didn't care - I was on a roll.
One word of advice, prep-man...
Kevin...I don't have to take this.
Whatever you do...never...ever...let 'em see you eat spaghetti.
(The class giggles.)
OK...
(Paul stands up.)
I've had enough!
(Kevin stands up.)
Oh, yeah? What are ya gonna do about it?
Gentlemen, please - control yourselves.
But suddenly, I knew what I had to do. The lasting thing. The caring thing.
(Kevin slugs Paul on the jaw. Mr. Cantwell spills his chemicals.)
Oh...golly!
(Mr. Cantwell ducks behind the table.)
And with that...
(Cut to the empty hallway as an explosion is heard, and smoke pours from the doors into the hallway. A fire alarm goes off, and student enter the hallway from the smoking hallway.)
Ninth-grade ended...with a bang.
*
That night...I graduated from junior high school. Not that I did it alone. I did it among people who had filled my life. And in their own way...had made it richer.
(Fade to Paul at the podium during graduation.)
The future rushes at us, and we in turn stand ready, armed with our hopes...our dreams, and our memories.
I did it among people I loved.
Therefore, as we stand here...at the end of one journey...at the beginning of another...let us make a bond. To never forget our times at RFK junior high. And to never forget...
(Paul looks at Kevin.)
The friends that we made here.
(Kevin looks at Paul and smiles slightly. Paul smiles slightly. The audience applauds.)
*
(Wayne steps onto the Arnold porch.)
Hey. Butthead. (Gestures.) Dinner's ready.
In a minute.
There was time. Ahead lay new places - other days. But for now...
So. Next year we get our driver's licenses, huh?
Yeah. (Nods.)
I never wanted it to end.

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(Ep 70 - "The Lake")

(Kevin knocks on a cabin door.)
Paul, let's go!
I'm coming! I'm putting on bugspray.
Well, hurry up!
That was me, Kevin Arnold. And that August, there was pretty much only one thing on my mind.
(Kevin knocks again.)
Paul, come on, let's get outta here!
(Debbie snatches the door open and beams at Kevin. Paul is putting on bugspray in the background.)
Hi, Kevin...(Smiles.)
Hi, Deb. Paul, come on.
(Kevin walks off. Paul barges past Debbie's arm.)
Move!
(Kevin and Paul walk away from the cabin. Debbie walks out to the porch.)
Where you guys going?
None of your business.
Where we went didn't matter. Getting away was all that counted.
(They walk down the slope toward the lake, and meet Jack coming up.)
Say...you boys want to do some fishing?
No thanks, Dad!
After all, we had more important things to do.
So, what do you want to do?
Got me...
(Cut to a country store. Kevin and Paul sit on steps, and Kevin has a soda.)
I can't believe it. (Frowns.) What happened to this place? Used to be great. Now look.
(A semi drives by, blowing its airhorn.)
Snoresville.
Over the summer my best friend had gained two things - a new set of contact lenses...
(Paul fiddles with his eye.)
And a new set of hormones.
You know, I could be home right now, making time with Julie Zeller.
Heh, you're dreaming, pal! (Frowns.)
And I'd probably gotten to second base by now.
Oh, right. (Gestures.) Like you'd even know what to do.
I know what to do. (Nods.)
Gimme a break. (Frowns.)
Yeah? (Nods.) Listen. It just so happens, I got a certain 25-cent little insurance policy, huh?
(Paul smiles and makes a face as he starts to get his wallet. Kevin sighs and looks away.)
The famous Pfeiffer condom.
(Paul smiles and winks as he starts to rise.)
Paul had been bragging about it ever since he got it in July.
Paul, not again...(Frowns.)
It was kind of his rabbit's foot.
You know Douggie Sherman?
(Paul starts to open his wallet as a pickup truck slowly drives past them with a loud radio. Two boys and a girl (Cara) are sitting in back.)
Well...
(The truck pulls into the gas pumps at a neighboring store.)
He picked up about two dozen of these things in a men's room near St. Louis.
(Kevin looks past Paul at the truck, and starts to sip his soda.)
I got mine off him for fifty cents...
But suddenly, I wasn't listening anymore.
Which is a pretty good deal, considering the...
(In the back of the truck, Cara sips a bottle of soda, then runs slowly runs her hand through her hair, then sips again. She makes eye-contact with Kevin and smiles.)
Here it is!
(Paul holds up a red condom package in Kevin's line of sight, about a foot in front of Kevin's face.)
The Red Chief Special! (Smiles.)
(Kevin frowns and pushes Paul's hand away.)
Paul, you don't have to rub it in my nose!
(Kevin looks toward the truck as it pulls away. Cara is looking at him.)
Come on. Let's get out of here.
Fact.
Sorry...
After three-and-a-half days of hanging out, even my best friend was startin' to get on my nerves.
*
(At the picnic tables, Ida suggests a campfire for later. Wayne is eating a hamburger.)
Sorry we're...going to be at the drive-in tonight.
But hang on! Did he say...?
(Wart nudges Jack's arm.)
Yeah. At the drive-in. "Planet of the Apes".
Great! (Smiles.) We'll come with you.
You must be joking.
*
(At the drive-in, Kevin sees Cara in the distance.)
Let's go talk to her.
Are you crazy? We don't even know her!
Great. Mr. Condom-in-his-wallet was afraid of locals.
Look, Paul - you're the one who said you wanted to meet girls.
(Paul looks toward Cara, then swallows and nods.)
OK.
*
(At the lakeside.)
We're going back tonight.
What? You don't think I'm actually gonna go back there, do you?
Come on...(gestures)...we'll all hang out!
Yeah, right.
(Paul frowns and skips a rock.)
Maybe she has a friend. (Smiles.)
(Paul pauses, then looks at Kevin.)
A friend? (Smiles.)
Sure, it was underhanded. But absolutely necessary.
(Cut to the drive-in lot. Cara slides off the hood of the pickup truck.)
Considering the circumstances.
Hey! (Smiles.)
Hi, Cara! (Waves.)
How's it goin'?
Awright. Uh...(gestures)...my brother and a bunch of us were thinking about going down to the lake...to hang out. You want to come?
Sure, sounds great! (Smiles.)
Ahem!
(He nudges Kevin.)
Oh. You think you have a...a friend or someone who maybe wants to come along?
Yeah. (Frowns.) Maybe...Lori!
Lori? That's great!(Smiles.)
(Cut to the snack bar. Lori is heavily made-up, and smacks her gum.)
(To Cara): Sure. (To Paul): Love to go.
Fantastic! (Smiles.)
Meet ya out back. (Smiles.)
If I can just grab my associate for one quick second here.
(Paul tugs Kevin's sleeve. Kevin smiles at the girls, then they walk a few steps away.)
So, what do you think?
I'm not going! No way on Earth. Kev - I'm your best friend. I'll do anything you want me to do. But please, don't ask me to do this for you.
It was the heartfelt cry of a dear and trusted friend. So I really had no choice.
(Cut to the drive-in lot. Kevin and Cara are sit in the back of the pickup truck. Paul stands nearby, holding a hotdog.)
Seeya! (Waves.)
G'night, Paul.
*
(The next day at the lake.)
I guess somehow, I just kept hoping something would happen.
(Ida and Debbie hurry from the cabin.)
Ahhhhhh!
And then, it did.
Look. Alvin...Alvin, look at this.
(Ida holds up a condom package as Alvin approaches.)
What is this?
(Paul reaches for his wallet, concerned.)
What is this? Look what my son has.
Oh my Gosh! My wallet!

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(Ep 71 - "Day One")

(Kevin has been humiliated a few times at school. Now he's shooting baskets with Paul.)
My ego was taking a beating. So, there was only one thing to do. Beat the pants off my best friend at basketball.
(Paul makes a basket and tosses the ball to Kevin.)
Three - zip. Your ball.
I can count, Paul. (Frowns.)
Ungrateful dork!
Hey, what's buggin' you? (Frowns.)
Nothing.
(Kevin tosses the ball to Paul.)
Let's play!
(Paul frowns, and tosses the ball back.)
No way I was gonna to let this bozo know I needed help. I was gonna keep my emotions to myself.
That sweatshirt makes you look like a geek.
Yep, better I should just insult the guy.
(Kevin starts to dribble the ball. Paul steals the ball and makes a layup, then tosses the ball to Kevin.)
Four - zip.
I said I can count, OK?!
OK, OK...
(Kevin dribbles past Paul, who falls down, then makes a basket.)
Oh...no basket. Foul!
What do you mean, foul? (Frowns.)
You charged.
I didn't touch you! (Frowns.)
(Paul frowns and takes the ball.)
I'm taking it out of bounds.
No way!
Kev. A rule's a rule.
God, Paul - a rule's a rule? (Frowns.) You should hear yourself. All I hear all day is - rules! Don't walk here, don't...don't be late, your margins are too wide...don't talk, don't think, don't breathe.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about...high school.
(Paul looks on, perplexed.)
Junior high used to be so great, and now...now we're like that stuff underneath the refrigerator, ya know?
OK, it just slipped out. The way I saw it, I had a right to expect a little sympathy. A gesture of support.
I don't know...(shrugs)...I kinda like my prep school.
Really...?
Really!
(Paul shoots a jump-shot, then holds up five fingers.)
Five - zip.

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(Ep 72 - "The Hardware Store")

The mall. Hillcrest Plaza - "One-stop shopping". A browser's bonanza. A teenager's "field of dreams".
(Kevin, Paul and Lewis watch some girls walk to a fast food counter at the "Burger Cage".)
Who...is that?
She goes to our school?
The place to ponder the burning issues of life.
Come on, guys - I think I need some fries. (Smiles.)
Yeah.
Yeah - this was the ticket. Girls to the left of us. Girls to the right. Girls nine deep around some kid in a stupid hat and a plastic nametag.
I don't believe it! Look at that guy...
Robby Cashion. He's in my biology class.
Made ya wonder where his dad bought his first set of tools.
Sure beats working in a hardware store. Huh, Kev? (Smiles.)
Speaking of tools...
What's that supposed to mean? (Frowns.)
Yeah. There's nothing wrong with his job. (Frowns.)
Thanks, Paul.
I mean, it's one thing for me to grouse about my job...
Except for the long hours...and old man Harris. (Smiles.) And that stupid tie. (Laughs.)
Tell me about it.
Ah, what did they know, anyway? Some guys got all the glamour - so what? There were certain benefits to working where I worked.

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11/15/14 10:15