Paul Pfeiffer



(Ep 18 - "Fate")

(Kevin watches Winnie play field-hockey.)
I was more in love with Winnie than ever. And I knew she was feeling something, too.
(Winnie frowns at Kevin, then flips her hair as she looks away and exits.)
Boy, she really hates you! (Frowns.)
She doesn't hate me. She's just mad.
Uh...no. She told Carla she hates you.
(Winnie approaches a bench, and puts her foot up as she adjusts her shoe.)
She really said that?
She said she never wants to see your face again!
(Kevin frowns at Paul.)
Hey, I'm just being honest.
I better go talk to her.
I'm telling you, she hates you.
*
(Mr. Diperna stops Kevin and Pinetti before they get in a fight.)
Apologize, Eddie. Say you're sorry.
I'm sorry Arnold.
I could feel his eyes - like hot coals.
Doesn't that feel better, Eddie? Alright, everybody, back to business! I'll be keeping an eye on you. Both of you. (Exits.)
Then it was over. It happened so fast I hardly had time to think about why - all I knew was...Eddie was definitely not feeling better.
(Cut to class.)
Are you crazy! Eddie Pinetti is a killer! He removes tonsils with his bare hands. He does eye surgery!
I know. (Frowns.)
So why'd you do it?
I didn't do it. (Gestures.) It...it just happened.
And that was true...kinda.
Well, there's only one thing for you to do! You gotta give him money!
What?!
Hey, I heard that works. I'll even pitch in!
I'm not going to do that!
Well, you don't think he's just going to forget about it, do you?
Paul was making sense. Maybe I had acted a little hastily. But wait a minute. What was this? All over the room kids were looking in my direction. Even Winnie! So she'd heard about the great defense of the locker.
(Carla approaches.)
Kevin...
Hi, Carla!
Hi!
(She smiles at Kevin.)
Is it true?
About what?
About Eddie?
Well...yeah! (Smiles.)
Oh, God!
(Carla returns to Winnie's table.)v
Yep. The news was spreading. And the ice...was definitely melting. Maybe I'd just take a stroll over there, and...
Kevin?
What?
Guess who.
It's Eddie. Pinetti!
Thanks!
The door was open, so I thought I'd pay you a little visit. You know, I've been thinkin' about ya, Arnold.
Really?
Thinkin' I'm gonna remove your tonsils with my bare hands.
Yeah, I was just telling him that. (Smiles.)
Shut up!
(Eddie looks at Kevin.)
You're scared...aren't ya?
Scared? Me? Nahhhhh.
Uh...
Even though my feet were sweating...and my cheek was starting to twitch.
Uh...
Everybody was watching. I had to do something - so I did.
(Kevin dumps a pan of papier-maché goo on Eddie's hand. Eddie sneers at Kevin.)
Huhhh-uh...sorry?
Pinetti! Aren't you in the wrong room?
Later, Arnold...when Diperna's not around. You're gonna be...glue. (Exits.)
Nice! Nice image.
I can't believe you did that!
*
(Kevin and Paul see Winnie and Eddie in the distance.)
Paul, what's he doing with her?
We don't know, we don't care.
But Paul, the guy's putting his hands all over her!
Even worse - she seemed to like it! This didn't make sense, unless -
(Paul puts out his hand to stop Carla, who is walking by.)
Carla, what's going on with them?
You mean, Winnie and Eddie?
"Winnie and Eddie". The sound of it made my heart sink.
They've been going out since last week. Didn't you know that?
But... why?
I don't know. Because she likes him. (Exits.)
And suddenly I heard the tumblers clicking into place.
Holy cow!
Suddenly I understood everything. The reason...the message fate had sent me loud as a brass band. The message that said -
Face it. You're doomed!
*
In the hallway, Pinetti corners Kevin.)
Where you been Arnold? I haven't seen ya around the last couple days.
W-well...I've...been kinda busy. Haven't I, Paul?
(Paul is being held in a headlock by one of Eddie's buddies. Paul holds up his finger.)
I-I can vouch for that, personally. Owwwwwww!
You know, it seems like you've been avoiding me. Is that so?!
That was totally untrue. I'd simply found a new route to school. And a new locker, and a broom closet on the second floor.
Look, uh, could we talk?
About what?
I think he wants to give you money. Right, Kev? Owwwwww!
Um, well, I-I've been kinda in a bad mood. And, um, I-I was wondering if we could forget about the whole thing?
Well, this was encouraging. An appeal to reason, and Eddie was responding!
You want to forget about it, huh?
Uh, yeah...kinda...if-if it's OK with you?
And for just a moment, a look of respect crossed Eddie's face. Mutual respect.
(Eddie turns toward his buddies, then turns toward Kevin and punches him.)
Hey!
(Kevin lands on the floor, holding his jaw in pain.)
I'd never been hit before - I mean - really, really, hit. And ya know what? It hurt. Really, really, hurt.
Eddie Pinetti never forgets! Think about it, Arnold.
(Eddie looks at his buddies.)
Know somethin'? Winnie Cooper was right. He really is a jerk!
(Eddie walks off. His friends release and push Paul away, then follow Eddie up the hallway.)
Hey, Kevin, are you OK?
Yeah...
But I wasn't. And not just because of the punch. Had Winnie really said that? Aw, heck!
Hey, come on, it's not so bad. Look on the bright side. I think maybe you hurt his fist!
*
(In the hallway.)
Well, you gotta do something. Maybe you can learn Jujitsu. My uncle knows Jujitsu.
Oh, great - then let your uncle fight Eddie!
I was just trying to help.
I know.
Hey, listen. For what it's worth, I'm with you all the way.
Good old Paul - a friend in need.
It's just that, I only have this one pair of glasses...(gestures)...and...(shrugs.)
I understood. This wasn't Paul's problem. Besides, I was gettin' used to the idea of life without tonsils. Without pride. Without Winnie.
(Winnie and Eddie are heard in the distance.)
Stop that! Eddie!
And then, fate took one final turn.
(Eddie is holding Winnie's hockey stick, and is poking at her with it, trying to flip her skirt.)
Cut it out. Stop it! Cut it out, Eddie! Knock it off!
Come on, you like it!
I don't like it!
I didn't like it much either. Even though it was really none of my business anymore.
(Winnie hops around as Eddie tries to flip her skirt. She grabs the stick, and runs out. Eddie smiles and shakes hands with his buddy.)
Come on, let's go - she's OK now.
*
(Eddie is beating up Kevin. Eddie's friend has Paul in a headlock.)
Those next ten minutes were...kind of a blur.
Ugh!
Still, as Eddie worked out his deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, I began to realize something. Sooner or later this would be over. And I...
Stop!
Would survive.
Hit him, Eddie!
Stop it! Let him go!
(Eddie rolls off Kevin and stands up and sneers.)
You're pathetic, ya know that?
Maybe, but I was a nice guy.
Let's go.
(Eddie's buddies push Paul away. Eddie slaps his buddy on the back as they walk away. Paul approaches Kevin and kneels.)
Can you move?

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(Ep 19 - "Birthday Boy")

When Paul and I were little kids...we had our birthdays only four days apart. Come to think of it, we still have our birthdays only four days apart. But I guess birthdays aren't as big a part of life as they used to be. Man - we had some classic parties. Year after year we reached for manhood together. When we fell short...we fell short together. God - we couldn't wait to get older.
(Fade to the school bus. Wayne sits in front of Kevin and Paul.)
So what the hell's a bar mitsvah, anyways?
It's a ceremony when you become a man, stupid.
A man? Pfeiffer? Hah-hah. That's got to be the funniest thing I 've heard all day. Steve? Are you hearing this? Pfeiffer's about to become a man.
What's so funny about that? (Frowns.)
You're not a man until you lose your virginity.
That's right. So I'd say you guys are little boys...until you're at least...forty-five.
Oh, I think that's optimistic. (Nods.)
Well, I mean, if your actually talking about having sex with another person.
Oh, shut up, Wayne! (Frowns.) You're just jealous.
Yeah, you're just jealous.
Jealous? (Frowns.) Why? Because you get to wear one of those little beanies on your head? (Gestures.)
It's called a yarmulke. And for your information, it happens to be a very big deal! I get to stand up in front of all my friends and my whole family...(gestures)...and say prayers and make this big speech and stuff.
A speech? A speech? Well...(gestures)...now I'm jealous, now I'm jealous.
And then we have this huge party.
Oh, I've heard of those Pfeiffer parties. (Nods.)
Very hot...
Catered...all you can eat and drink...
Ooohh...
And hundreds of guests...(gestures)...and all the girls I want to invite.
Make sure you keep 'em on a leash, now.
And a band.
A live band?
And tons of presents. Well, if you figure a hundred people...and they each bring one...
You're really gonna get a hundred presents?
Yeah, of course! (Shrugs.) And that's not including the money.
Like how much money? (Gestures.)
It's no set amount, but I'd say...hmmm...maybe a thousand bucks.
Did he say...a thousand bucks?
*
(At the Pfeiffer's for dinner. Grandpa Pfeiffer has just told a story about his bar mitzvah.)
Oh, this is a great occasion. My family's here, my grandson's friend...(gestures)...is here. So, Paul, tell me...
Yeah?
You studied hard? (Nods.)
Yeah.
You know all your prayers?
Uh-huh. (Nods.)
Then...(points)...I have something for you. (Nods.)
(Grandpa reaches down beside his chair.)
I wondered what it would be. Money? Stock options? His own car?
(Grandpa straightens up, holding out a book with gold-edged pages.)
The prayer book that I used to deliver my Baruch. On that fateful night of the chicken. My grandfather gave it to me. And tonight...(nods)...I wish to give it to you.
(Grandpa hands the book to Paul.)
Wow...
Pop, he'll get stains all over it. Can't it wait until we clear the table at least?
No, it can not. (Gestures.) My grandson...here you are on the verge of becoming a man. You are about to inherit the love, the joy...(nods)...the bitterness of our people. Their tradition. From my grandfather, to my father...to me...to my son...and now to you. (Points.)
(Grandpa smiles, then looks serious, and raises his glass.)
Masletov.
(Ida holds up her glass.)
Maseltov.
(Paul holds up his glass.)
Maseltov.
(They clink glasses. Kevin lifts his glass.)
Maseltov. (Smiles.)
*
(Lockers.)
So the invitations are going out today! Oh, here - I forgot. I have one for you.
(Paul hands Kevin the envelope.)
Special delivery!
Thanks!
There's gonna be so many babes at this thing you wouldn't believe it! I'm inviting Sandy McClouskey, Jodie Hart and Christine Capone. And I'm gonna make sure the band plays plenty of slow songs. (Smiles.)
(Kevin opens the envelope as they laugh.)
Ahem!
(Kevin holds the invitation out, and puts a hand on Paul shoulder as he reads dramatically.)
Please share our joy, as our son...Paul Joshua, is called to the Torah on Saturday, March eight -
(Kevin pauses and frowns.)
Wait a minute. It's on the eighteenth?
Well, yeah, I thought you knew that.
Yeah, but...(shrugs)...that's my birthday.
Yeah, I know, but...
Y-y-y-you didn't tell me it was on the eighteenth.
Yes, I did! (Frowns.) It's supposed to be on the first Saturday after I turn thirteen... I told you that.
Yeah, but...I didn't realize...
I didn't pick for it to be on that day or anything. It's just...(shrugs)...that's when it's supposed to be.
I know.
I mean, I'd change it if I could, but, you know, it's like really important. It's a tradition. You're not mad, are you?
Well...no, I'm not mad, it's just...(gestures)...I-I'm not gonna be able to come, is all.
You're not?
Well, no. I mean...my parents have this whole big huge thing...planned for my birthday.
(Paul looks disappointed.)
Not even for the ceremony?
Well, Paul, I can't help it if you're having your stupid bar mitzvah on my birthday! I mean, I'm really sorry to tell you this...(frowns)...but you're not the center of the whole stupid world!
*
(At the synagogue. Kevin arrives in the middle of the ceremony. Paul notices him and smiles. Fade to "later". The band plays "I Got Love in My Tummy" as Paul is being congratulated by a man, then being hugged by Grandpa Pfeiffer, as Alvin and Ida smile. Paul smiles at Grandpa, then turns toward Kevin.)
I'll be right back.
(Paul approaches Kevin.)
Hi! (Smiles.)
Hi. (Smiles.)
Thanks for coming.
Sorry I was so late.
That's OK. I felt like such a jerk up there. (Smiles.)
No. You were good. (Smiles.) You had this big thing hangin' from your nose...but you were good.
(Paul slaps Kevin on the shoulder.)
Butthead. (Smiles.)
(Alvin motion in the distance.)
Paul! Come on over here!
Come on.
(Paul pulls Kevin with him.)
What?
(Kevin and Paul join the group which forms a circle, and start to dance to Hava Nagila.)
And so it turned out to be a great birthday after all. I slow danced with Paul's Aunt Selma. I ate more than Mrs. Pfeiffer could have dreamed possible. And in a funny way...when I look back on it...I sorta feel like it was my bar mitzvah, too.

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(Ep 20 - "Brightwing")

Karen had her world...and I had mine, and never the twain shall meet.
(Cut to Kevin and Paul walking along the sidewalk.)
Until one day...
(A car squeals to a stop next to them. The driver, Julie, looks at Kevin.)
Get in!
Us? (Frowns.)
(Karen leans over next to Julie.)
Get in - we need to talk to you.
What was this? An actual conversation in public?
(A girl, Sandy, in the back seat opens the door. Paul grins.)
I was suspicious.
(Paul smiles and gets in the car.)
Paul...
(Paul settles in, smiling.)
Was less so.
I think we should get in! (Smiles.)
(Cut to on the road. As they make a sharp turn, the tires squeal, and the girls hoot.)
Well, this was different! Life in the fast-lane.
Boy! Sharp turns, huh? (Smiles.)
(Kevin frowns slightly as he hangs on.)
So where are we going?
Going crazy - want to come?
We need a favor.
(Karen holds some papers.)
We need you to drop these off for us at Tina Desario's locker.
At your school? (Frowns.)
First floor, end of the hall...one-oh-seven.
Will you do it?
Why don't you do it? (Frowns.)
We can't - were not gonna be in school.
We're taking one of our free days.
(She looks at Paul.)
Right? (Smiles.)
Oddly enough...I smelled a rat.
A free day? (Frowns.)
It's kind of an...independent study course. We all take it.
What'd they think I was? A naive little kid?
I don't think I want to do it.
Oh, come on...(Frowns.) Be cool.
Yeah. Come on, Kevin - be cool! (Smiles.)
Uh-oh. A cheap, obvious appeal to my sense of cool.
*
You did it? You you really did it?
I told you he'd do it.
(Paul and Sandy look at each other, and Paul smiles and nods.)
*
If that's the way she wanted it - fine. Anyway, that was the end of my relationship with my sister.
(Sound of a car screeching to a halt. Cut to the street as Julie's car screeches to a stop. Sandy opens the rear door. Karen leans over next to Julie.)
Until...
We need another favor.
(Sandy holds the rear door open.)
Come on, man!
(Paul grins at Kevin, then hurries to the car. Kevin hesitates.)
Look - it's the last time, I promise.
No way! (Gestures.) I-I-I just did you a favor last week!
It's really important. (Frowns.)
Really...important.
It sounds pretty important to me!

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(Ep 21 - "Square Dance")

(In gym, Mr. Cutlip blows his whistle.)
Alright - over here! (Gestures.) Form up in two lines.
(Kevin and Paul take their places.)
What's this all about? (Smiles.)
Beats me. (Frowns.)
Today people, and all this week...we'll be studying Unit Seven...of your physical education curriculum handbook.
(Paul frowns and mouths "seven?", then looks at Kevin.)
Unit Seven. It smacked of romance. Far away places.
Unit seven. Square dancing.
(ALL BOYS): Square dancing?!
What is it? What can it do for you?
Is this dorky, or what? (Smiles.)
Definitely dorky. (Nods.)
I mean, come on! Square dancing? What - in case we ever crash-landed in the Ozarks?
(Mr. Cutlip blows his whistle, and a teacher leads a bunch of girls in gym clothes through the double doors.)
On the other hand...it might have its finer aspects.
(The girls approach, many of whom are smiling and giggling. Paul smiles as he watches them.)
Yep. Nothin' wrong with a little square dancin'.
Alright - listen up. Now that the ladies have joined us...we're going to assign partners for the week. Finlan...and Bryce. Step to the center.
This was critical. We were being matched for a week. In seventh-grade terms...that translates to about eleven years.
Kasimir...and...Reeve.
God, I sure hope I don't get a loser.
I know what you mean.
Pfeiffer...
(Paul looks forward with anticipation.)
And...Gambowski.
(Paul makes a fist and smiles.)
Yes!
(Heidi rolls her eyes as boys make catcalls and whistle.)
OK. So Paul had hit the jackpot. I wasn't worried. Still plenty of fillies left in this pasture.
*
(In the cafeteria, Kevin and Paul approach, carrying trays. Paul looks at Kevin and gestures with his elbow.)
Heidi wore perfume today - the kind I'm allergic to. But when I sneezed...she said "gezhundheit". She could have just said "bless you", but she gave it to me...in German.
(Paul makes a fist and smiles.)
You're an animal, Paul. (Smiles.)
Yeah...I'm gonna go get an ice-cream sandwich. Gotta keep up that strength!
(Paul exits. Kevin smiles and to sits down.)
Amazing. Fate had given Paul Heidi Gambowski. And me...bat-girl.
*
(In the locker room.)
Paul, do me a favor?
Sure! Name it. (Smiles.)
Let me dance with Heidi today.
Not on your life! (Frowns.)
Well, I was on my own.
*
(At the lockers the morning after running through Margaret's shrubbery.)
Hey...How'd you get those scratches on your arm?
(Paul holds Kevin's arm and looks at it.)
I don't know.
Looks like you ran into a pricker bush.
Paul! (Frowns.) Where do you come up with this stuff? How do you know...(shrugs)...I didn't get into a fight with a cat, or something?
Well you see...(points)...these scratches are lighter...(gestures)...and a cat's are...you know.
(Paul frowns and shrugs.)
Look - I just have to be by myself for awhile. OK?
Sure. But I still say you fell on a pricker bush. (Exits.)

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(Ep 22 - "Whose Woods Are These?")

Alone at last, in Harper's Woods. It was where Winnie and I had had our first and only kiss. Centuries ago. Last September. That memory had haunted me. And here we were...alone again. Adam...Eve...
(Paul runs across the background and trips.)
And Paul.
Paul!
(Paul is lying face-down in the leaves and dirt, and sneezes. He jumps up and dusts himself off.)
Guys!
Great. Go for a little nuzzle in the woods, and what do ya get?
(Paul covers his nose with both hands, sneezes, and brushes himself off.)
An allergic best-friend.
I've been looking all over for you guys!
Yeah, well...(frowns)...ya found us.
Are you alright?
No - I'm trying to tell ya -
(Paul sneezes three times.)
Wow - a triple! We hadn't seen Paul this upset since the day his goldfish disappeared.
There's men, and trucks...all over the place!
What? (Frowns.) We haven't seen any trucks. (Frowns.)
Nope. No trucks. Just lips.
Look, Paul! If this is some kind of -
Kevin?
(Two pickup trucks approach up a dirt road.)
Then suddenly...we'd been invaded.
(A man jumps out of the back, and another approaches behind him. The foreman has plans laid out on the hood, and is looking off.)
Alright - let's move it!
It was amazing. They'd just arrived, in our spot! Like they owned the place!
Hey!
(The foreman look toward some workers.)
Oh, hey! (Points.) Start those stakes over there by that rock.
Like we weren't even there.
Hey, mister!
Hey, you kids are gonna have to get outta here...
Well, so much for introductions.
(The foreman looks toward the men.)
Hey, come on, guys! What - do I have to do it all myself?! Come on, here!
(The foreman pauses and turns to Kevin.)
I mean it. Beat it, huh?
Wait a minute - this hippopotamus was kicking us out of our own woods?
You can't do this!
Yeah! We have a right to be here, too.
Is that so? OK, OK. You can stay. But just until the dozers get here...and then ya gotta go.
*
I can't believe it. My mom's all excited that there's going to be a Yarn Barn.
My dad said its been in the papers for months.
It was irresponsible. Thirteen is a busy age. Who has time to read the papers?
We depend on these people for information...and then they let you down. (Frowns.)
Well, there's gotta be something we can do. (Nods.)v
Hey! I wonder if old man Harper's heard about this? (Smiles.)
(Kevin and Winnie looking at Paul, then each other.)
Isn't there an old man Harper? (Frowns.) There's no old man Harper?
The getting of wisdom is never a pretty sight.
*
(Lockers, the day after the city board meeting.)
Hey! You fell asleep first!
I didn't.
I think you did, Kevin.
Winnie - I did not fall asleep first!
Something was happening to us.
Did so...
Just when we needed each other the most...Paul and Winnie and I were...falling apart.
We should pour sand down the gas-tanks of those bulldozers.
Winnie? (Frowns.) Please...
Hey, we could hijack 'em! (Smiles.) Bet I could start one of those babies up!
Paul, that is so lame.
Oh, you have a better idea?
I couldn't have a worse one...
This had to stop.
Winnie, don't be so mean. Just cuz it was a stupid idea...
What's wrong with my idea? (Frowns.)
Like we're really gonna hijack a bulldozer?
It was like a fire...spreading in a forest.
What we should do...is sneak into their office and steal their plans.
Talk about stupid! (Frowns.)
Don't call her stupid! (Frowns.)
I can speak for myself, Kevin. (Frowns.)
Yeah! (Frowns.)
Shut up, Paul. (Frowns.)
You shut up!
I don't need this! (Frowns.)
I don't either!
(Winnie and Paul walk away quickly side-by-side.)
*
That night, I went to say goodbye to Harper's Woods.
(Kevin shines a flashlight on the big tree. A light shines across him. He turns over his shoulder quickly and sees Winnie and Paul approaching. They look at the initials in the tree.)
Remember when we carved those?
Yeah. Third grade. (Smiles.)
I thought it was second grade. (Frowns.)
No, it was fourth grade - I remember it distinctly.
Well, one of those grades.
We heard about what you did in Diperna's office. Pretty stupid.
Really stupid. (Nods.)
OK, I'm stupid - can you just forget about it?! (Gestures.)
Kev? We have a plan.
(Paul holds up a bicycle lock.)
Huh?
It just might work.
Really? (Smiles.)
See, first...we chain Winnie to the bulldozer. (Smiles.)
What?! (Frowns.)
Well, ya see...(shrugs)...it works better if it's a girl.
Are you crazy?! (Frowns.)
And then tomorrow, when they try to start it up -
Paul! (Frowns.)
We...
Will you stop it?
Well, what? (Shrugs.)
Well, I mean...in the first place, it's not gonna work! And they're just gonna cut that thing with bolt-cutters, then you'll be out two-fifty for a new lock. And in the second place...(gestures)...Winnie's gonna get in trouble - if she doesn't freeze to death, first! And in the third place...it doesn't matter.
Huh?
Well look around! (Gestures.) It's just a vacant lot. In a couple of years, we won't even remember!
I guess I wanted Paul and Winnie to face the facts, too. Wasn't gonna be easy. Maybe growing up never is.
(Winnie walks to the tree, puts her hand on it, and leans her head on her hand.)
One...Two...Three...Four...
(Paul turns quickly to Kevin.)
Five...Six...
What is she doing? (Frowns.)
Seven...
(Winnie lifts her head slightly.)
You better get going!
Forget it! (Frowns.)
Come on!
(Paul hurries off.)
I'm not gonna do this. (Frowns.)
(Kevin crosses his arms. Paul looks at Kevin expectantly.)
I'm only gonna count to twenty. Eight...
Let's go, come on!
Maybe every human soul deals with loss and grief in its own way.
(Paul dances around anxiously.)
Let's go!
Some curse the darkness....
Kevin!
Twelve...Thirteen...
(Kevin hesitates, then smiles broadly and runs toward Paul.)
Yes!
Some play hide-and-seek. That night, Paul and Winnie and I...found something we'd almost lost. We found our spirit. The spirit of children. The bond of memory. And the next day...they tore down Harper's Woods.






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(Ep 23 - "How I'm Spending My Summer Vacation")

Men! We've worked together, we've played together. I'd like to think we've learned together. It hasn't been easy...
This is gonna be a long one.
I've had to push...I've had to yell. Sometimes I've had to double-knot my hard shoes and kick you square in the fanny! Heh-heh. But it's been worth it. Thirty-eight weeks ago you arrived here a rag-tag bunch of softies. Now you're leaving...a hard-boiled cadre of young athletes. That's something to be proud of. This summer, when you're...(nods his head)...out there, think back on the guy who made it all possible. Ed Cutlip. Human being, a man, an educator. Sure, maybe he didn't have a Master's degree. But he was fair...
(Mr. Cutlip starts to get choked up.)
What's he doing?
Oh my God. Was it possible? Cutlip was falling apart before our very eyes. It was horrible. Like watching a bug die on a window sill.
*
(Science classroom. Mr. Cantwell is leaning back in his chair, humming to "Ma Vie En Rose" which plays on an old phonograph on his desk.)
Four more hours, one lunch period, and a few arias...were all that stood between me, Paul, and summer. I wasn't gonna let anything ruin that.
Got your bike ready?
(Paul is balancing a pencil on his lip.)
Huh?
OK, so tomorrow morning we have to get my tent out of the garage.
Yep, I could feel it now. The wind in our faces, the open road ahead, our knapsacks on our backs.
I can hardly wait! Can you?
(Paul puts down the pencil, pauses solemnly, then turns to Kevin.)
We gotta talk.
Uh-oh. In the history of mankind, no good has ever come from those four words.
(Cut to the hallway.)
What do you mean you're going away?! How come you never said anything?
Well, the Schwartzes kept changing their minds.
The who?
The people we're sharing the cabin with. And, look, it's not that bad - we'll only be there until Labor Day.
Paul, that's the whole summer.
No, you see, not technically. The summer officially goes until September twenty-first.
Paul!
OK, the whole summer. (Frowns.) Anyway, I'm gonna have a lousy time.
Oh, yeah? Where you going?
Lake Cohasset.
Oh, so basically you'll be swimming, fishing, sailing, and water-skiing.
I guess.
Paul, why don't you just admit that you're gonna have a great time?
(Paul looks down and frowns.)
I was asking for the impossible. I'd have to try another tack.
OK, tell me one thing that's gonna make it lousy.
(Paul pauses in thought.)
I had him on the ropes.
(Paul suddenly brightens.)
Mosquitoes!
What?!
Yeah, are you kidding? With all that standing water? Do you have any idea how many diseases are transmitted by mosquitoes?
The man was a master.
Well, at least we'll have the barbecue tomorrow night.
Yeah, sure. Except I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon.
Well how about tonight then.
(Pauls sighs, glances around, and shrugs.)
I gotta pack.

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 24 - "Summer Song")

Hey, Mr. Arnold! Sorry I'm late! (Smiles.)
There were other changes, too.
I can't wait. This is gonna be great! (Nods.)
I'm not comin'! (Shrugs.)
Want to stay home and get a haircut?
I'm comin', I'm comin'...(Frowns.)
Alright...(gestures)...everybody in the car.
Um...Mr. Arnold?
(Paul takes a step back revealing a large suitcase.)
My suitcase?
*
(On the road, Jack is whistling as Paul covers his mouth.)
Everything OK, pal? (Frowns.) Paul?
I-I think we better pull over.
What none of us figured on was the awful reality of actually travelling with Paul.
(Jack turns toward Norma as she opens the door.)
Get him outta the car. Hurry up. Quick! Quick!
*
(In the restaurant, Karen is moping.)
Will you please just have fun?! This is costing a damn fortune.
Somehow...Dad's pep-talk had failed to rally the troops. My only consolation was that Paul seemed to feel better.
Tomorrow...we hit the beach. Suntans...bodysurfing...
Bikinis...(Smiles.)
(Cut to the beach.)
Yep. I always had Paul.
Come on. Let's go.
Paul? Are you OK, honey? (Frowns.)
Yeah. (Shrugs.) Why?
It's your face. (Frowns.) It looks like you got a sunburn.
Mom, how can he have a sunburn - we just got here!
(Paul touches his cheek.)
Still, his face did kinda look like a petrie-dish experiment.
Is it red? And blotchy? This is not good.
(Cut to the motel bathroom. Paul is looking at himself in the mirror, touching his face.)
This is definitely...not good.
What is it?
Fish. I must have eaten fish.
Well, what do you have to do - call an ambulance?
Nah...I'll be OK.
(Paul straightens up and turns to his small kit bag.)
I just have to stay inside for a day or two...
A day or two?! (Frowns.) Paul, that's the entire vacation!
How could Paul do a rotten thing like this to me?
(Paul pats Kevin's shoulder.)
Thanks for thinking of me, pal. (Smiles.) But I'll be OK. Trust me! (Smiles.)

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 25 - "Math Class")

(In Mr. Collins' class, the bell rings and students start to rise.)
For tomorrow...I would like you to do problems one through ten on page eighteen.
(The class groans.)
Boy, what's the story with this guy? He's gonna kill us.
Nah, don't worry about him.
Sure, he looked tough - but I wasn't worried.
*
I'd never gotten a "D" before. Not even in...penmanship.
(The bell rings, and students start to rise.)
For homework...problems fifteen through twenty-five, on page twenty.
There was only one possible explanation. This had to be a mistake.
Kev - you comin' to lunch?
In a minute - I have to talk to Collins.
OK...but hurry up - Sloppy Joes today. (Smiles.)
*
Explain this - how could it be a pop-quiz, if there's one everyday?
I don't know...
Of course you don't know...because there's no logic to it. (Gestures.) I mean, what was that last stuff he was talking about, that absolute value? (Frowns.) Half of the class didn't even know what he was talking about. (Shrugs.) I mean, what is an absolute value, anyway? (Frowns.)
It's the value of a number without regard to its sign.
Alright - stupid example.
You're missing the point, Paul. (Frowns.) See, the point is, that Collins is just driving us too hard. I mean, we're all killing ourselves. What's he going to do - give us all "D"'s? (Smiles.)
There's a certain look that only a trusted friend can give you. A look that says...you're about to make a total fool of yourself. I was getting that look.
(Paul looks down.)
Paul? What'd you get on the quiz?
I forget.
(Paul shakes his head and looks down as he starts to eat. Kevin snatches Paul's quiz from his book, and unfolds it. It is an "A minus".)
It doesn't mean anything. I just got lucky.
Yeah...lucky you.
I'm gonna go get some dessert. You want some?
(Kevin glares and shakes his head slowly at Paul.)
*
Over the next few days...things went from bad to worse.
Mr. Arnold?
Yes?
The intersection of sets "B" and "C"...
Um...."X" plus four?
Incorrect. Mr. Pfeiffer?
One and two?
Correct.
*
(Playing basketball, Kevin dribbles, charging past Paul.)
Ugh!
(Paul falls down as Kevin makes a lay-up.)
Now I was feeling better.
Fifteen - zip. Wanna play again?
No thanks.
Why not?
I gotta study for the test.
Ouch!
Oh, come on - one more game.
I can't.
Paul!
We could study together - if you want.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
I don't need your charity, Paul.
That's not what I meant.
I don't need your help.
Fine! So I'll seeya.
Alright - Mr. Mathlete.
Kevin...(Frowns.)
Oh, I'm sorry, Paul, for not being as mathletic as you. (Frowns.) I mean, have you ever listened to yourself? Uh, the absolute value of seven is, uh, three.
Actually, it's seven.
Who cares? Paul, my life is not so boring that my only thrill is math. (Frowns.)
What do you say to that, Mr. Wizard?
Good luck on the test, tomorrow.

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(Ep 26 - "Wayne On Wheels")

I lived in a great big house. With a great big yard, and a great big bedroom. And a great big older brother. But by the middle of nineteen-sixty-nine, the house and the yard and the bedroom were are all getting smaller. Or maybe Wayne and I were getting larger. One thing was certain. We were running out of room. The pressure was building. Then, just when things seemed near the point of no-return...something happened. Something unexpected. Something...terrifying.
(Wayne turns the car sharply into the driveway, and screeches to a stop.)
Dammit, Wayne! (Frowns.)
I had my blinker on. (Smiles.)
I don't believe this! Wayne is driving?
Yeah. He got his learner's permit yesterday.
OK, Wayne. Slower this time. (Frowns.)
Gotcha. (Smiles.)
Man - clear the streets! He's a menace!
Maybe that was true...but I couldn't be bothered with the overall threat to society. The fact is, this was the solution I'd been praying for. Simply stated, Wayne on wheels meant just one thing. Wayne - out of my life!
*
The mall. Four-hundred-thousand square feet of unsupervised opportunity. Of course, you needed a ride from Mom to get there. But once you were there...it was adolescent paradise. Pizza...movies...
(At a shoestore, Kevin is looking at two Jericho cheerleaders.)
Girls. Exotic girls...
(The girls exit.)
Girls...from other schools.
Boy! Some pair, huh?
What?! (Smiles.)
(Paul is looking at a boot.)
How do you think I'd look in them?
Paul...(gestures)...we wasted an entire Saturday looking at shoes.
I just need an opinion, OK?
(He picks up a Hush-Puppy.)
I can play it safe with these, but...
(Paul sets the Hush-Puppy down.)
And I want you to be perfectly honest with me, OK?
(Paul picks up the black boot.)
What do you think of these? (Smiles.)
Uh-oh. This wasn't just a question about shoes. This was a question about manhood.
Well?
(Kevin frowns and makes a fart sound as he gives Paul a thumbs down sign.)
You don't think I can carry these off? (Frowns.) I mean, Bruce Gaines wore 'em last week...
(A girl approaches the window and looks in. Another girl is with her. Some "heavenly" music plays.)
And he looked pretty cool.
But suddenly, Paul wasn't there anymore. It was just me...and a vision...hovering just beyond the P.F. Flyers.
(The girl glances at Kevin, mouths "Let's go" to the other girl, and they walk off.)
I'd just seen my future through a shoestore window.
Kevin? (Frowns.)
I gotta go.
(Kevin hurries out, followed by Paul. Cut to outside as Kevin runs along the shops.)
There was no room for hesitation.
(He collides with a baby carriage.)
Excuse me.
It was time to seize the moment. Let no obstacle stand in my way. I was chasing a fantasy...a dream...a vision. That had vanished into thin air.
(Paul catches up to Kevin.)
Kevin, what happened?
Never mind...
It didn't seem fair.
There's always next weekend. (Nods.)
(Kevin raises his eyebrows and slowly turns toward Paul.)
The boots. To get 'em next weekend. (Nods.)
*
(At the very corner of the mall parking lot.)
Wayne and I were thrown together once again.
OK - buttheads out! (Gestures.)
Here?
Hey...Mom said the mall...I mean, technically...(gestures)...this is the mall.
Come on, Kev...let's just go.
Eh! (Points.) Be on the curb at six-thirty...or spend the night. (Smiles.) Have fun shopping, girls.
Hey, don't let it get to you. Come on - let's go get some pizza.
Well, maybe he was right. I had other matters to attend to.
(Cut to the mall. Kevin and Paul are sitting outside on a bench as Paul eats pizza, then reaches his arm across Kevin and points.)
Hey, is that her?
(Kevin looks, frowns, and shakes his head. Paul looks off in the other direction, then nudges Kevin's elbow and points.)
How about that one? (Smiles.)
Paul, trust me...(Frowns.) I'll know her if I see her. (Gestures.)
But things were looking grim. We'd been around the mall seven times in three hours. Not a sign of the girl in the window.
(Paul takes a sip of his drink through a straw, then looks off. He looks sideways, sets his drink down, and points.)
That's her!
And then...
Paul...(frowns)...it can't be!
(Kevin sees the two girls in the distance at a theater box-office.)
Bingo!
(Kevin smiles and runs past Paul. Paul hurriedly stands, takes a bite of pizza, sets it down, and follows Kevin. Kevin slows up at the box-office window.)
One, please!
Kevin, what are you doing?
I'm going in the movies.
It's "Romeo and Juliet".
Yes, I know what it is.
(Kevin hurries toward the door.)
I'm not seeing "Romeo and Ju -". Kevin!
(Paul pauses, then looks up at the sign again, then reaches in his pocket.)
One, please.
*
(The movie ends and its theme plays. People start to rise and exit. Kevin stands up.)
Come on, Paul - let's go.
(Paul blows his nose in his handkerchief.)
Paul?
My allergies.
(Cut to outside the theater as Kevin exits, followed by Paul. Kevin pauses and looks around slowly.)
This is stupid! We could spend all night following her around. Are you gonna talk to her or not? Because if you are, you could go up and talk to her...(Gestures.) If not, then we might as well leave.
And then, in a flash...our eyes met. Our souls danced. And all else faded to the background. It was just me...my dream girl...and forty feet of sidewalk.
*
(In the cafeteria.)
You're not going to believe this! (Gestures.) It's too cool!
What?
Remember that girl up in the mall?
Remember? I'd spent a whole week trying to forget how idiotic I must have looked to her in that parking lot.
What about her?
Well...(smiles)...I talked to her friend...
You did? Where?
I saw her walking out of the movie again.
You went back to see "Romeo and Juliet"? (Nods.)
Yeah - I took Carla, OK? (Frowns.)
So, what happened? (Smiles.)
Well, turns out, the pretty girl, she used to go to Jericho, and her brother, John...went steady with Carla's friend, Cathy...back in the sixth grade...
Paul?
Well, these two used to hang out together. You know, they used to make mud-pies...
Paul, will you get to the point?!
Well...she told Carla that she's gonna be at the mall tonite, and...(smiles)...we might kinda run into her...
Run into her...(Smiles.)
Uh-huh...(Nods.)
What else did she say? (Smiles.)
Nothin'. (Shrugs.) Except...the pretty one thinks you're cute.
She said that? (Smiles.)
(Paul shrugs, then nods.)
*
(Wayne and Kevin are arguing in the parked car.)
I didn't get my license...so I could be your chauffeur.
OK...(gestures)...so what are we supposed to do? (Frowns.)
I'll give you a choice. Get out of the car...or die! (Frowns.)
Is today Friday? (Frowns.) I just remembered...(Nods.) I-I gotta take my sister to *Kitty City*.
(Pauls smiles uncomfortably and slides across the backseat.)
Maybe...I'll just walk home from here.

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(Ep 27 - "Mom Wars")

No-equipment football. We'd been playing it in Shepard's Park every afternoon, since the cool weather set in. Sure, maybe it looked like mayhem and violence.
(Paul runs with the ball, hesitates, then tosses the football up and covers his head.)
But to us, it was something more.
(Doug recovers the football.)
I got it!
Get 'em!
(Doug gets tackled.)
It was mayhem, violence, and dirt. The stuff laundry commercials are made of.
(Kevin jumps up with the ball.)
I got it!
Alright!
(Hobson frowns at Paul.)
Hey, Pfeiffer? How many sweatshirts you wearin'?
Hey, I need 'em, OK? That wind really cuts through you like a knife.
Sure it was reckless. But nobody got hurt.
(Randy looks at Doug lying on the ground.)
Doug?
Much.
Is he breathing?
I think so.
Are you breathing, Doug?
I think he's hurt! (Gestures.) Maybe we should stop!
Nah...He just got the wind knocked out of him - he's alright.
Yeah, I'm awright...
Oh...good.
Hey, Arnold - we want revenge! - next play's gonna be a blitz.
Fine! (to team-mates.) Come, on - let's huddle.
Um, Kev...(gestures)...I'm gonna go get another sweatshirt.
*
No one's going to get injured, Mom.
(Cut to Randy running back a kick-off, and getting gang tackled.)
At least not permanently.
Jeez, Paul! Where were ya? I told ya I was gonna lateral it to you!
Well, I tripped. This is a very poor playing surface.
Hey, Randy - you OK?
Yeah...
Hey, Kev - isn't that your mom's car?
(Kevin watches Norma drive by slowly.)
Yeah...
Funny. She'd never driven by here before.
OK. Your ball. First-and-ten.
Still, Mom would never spy on me. So she probably had...some other reason.
(Cut to science class. Mr. Cantwell narrates a slide show.)
Instinct - the biological imperative. What makes this salmon fight her way through hostile currents, only to lay her eggs and die, her energy spent?
Maybe she was picking up your dad's dry-cleaning.
Huh?
Your mom.
This courageous mallard...facing certain annihilation, defends her young against a venomous predator.
I just hope she doesn't talk to my mom.
Look, Paul...it's no big deal, OK?
At least I hoped not.
Ever vigilant of our harsh and murderous environment...a cougar drags her cub to safety.
OK, but if you think we should stop playing...
(Kevin frowns.)
Hey! It was just a suggestion.
Look, we're not doing anything wrong, OK? (Gestures.)
I just hate to think what my mom would do to me if she found out.
What are you so afraid of?
Of course, there are cases of instinct gone berserk.
(A seagull sits on her young and squishes it. Cut to outside school.)
And then...
(Sound of a car horn.)
Hey, Kev - it's your mom.
*
(In shop class, Kevin is wearing irregularly-striped new pants.)
Hey, Arnold! Nice pants.
Oh, thanks "Hodges"...nice of you to notice.
You missed a good game yesterday.
Yeah! Paul set a new record - most dropped passes in a scrimmage. Where were you, anyway?
Oh, uh...I had to help my...dad...change the plugs on the, uh, Impala. You know, you got to keep her runnin'.
I didn't think "bargain-hunting with mom" would go over very well.
Yeah? Uh, you check all the gaps?
Uh...yeah!
Well how'd you get your fingernails so clean? You know, usually it takes me a couple days -
So, you guys win?
Oh, no - we lost. We coulda used you, too! Jimmy's mom wouldn't let him play.
Can you believe that?!
What a wuss.
You'll be there tonight, though - won't ya?
Oh, sure!
Alright! Well...
(Hobson picks up a big splinter of wood.)
This'll do.
(Hobson puts the splinter in his mouth as a toothpick, and exits.)
Did you use the Lava or the -
Look, Paul! I gotta get back to work, OK?
(Paul picks up a piece of wood.)
Time to meet your maker. (Exits.)
*
(Another day in the park.)
Pfeiffer - you're late!
Am I? Well, you guys didn't start without me, did you?
Of course! Wouldn't be a big-league game without you.
(Kevin laughs.)
Guys. Humiliating each other, hurting each other's feelings - did it get any better than this?
*
OK - new game!
Hey, it's gettin' kinda late...
Yeah, i-i-it's getting cold. Is anyone cold?
Arnold?
New game! Losers walk.
Let's go!
Hey, Kev - you think this is a good idea?
Oh, come on, Paul. Don't be such a wuss.
(Paul frowns.)
Woops - maybe that was a little rough.
Hey, sorry - I didn't mean that.
It's OK.
But heck - let's face it. I was feeling my oats.
(Hobson is in the distance.)
Are you ready?!!
Yep, I'd fought a battle, and I'd won. Things were gonna be different from now on.
(Hobson throws the "kick-off". Kevin returns it.)
Yeah, things were gonna be alright. And then it hit me. Actually, Craig Hobson hit me. Then Randy Mitchell. And Mike Donovan. After that, I kinda stopped taking names.
(Hobson rises and smiles.)
Man! That was amazing!
Come on, guys - get off!
(Kevin rolls over. His hand is bleeding.)
Kevin? You're bleeding!
OK, your ball. First down.
OK - alright! (Gestures.) This game is over!
Says who?
Says me! This game is called on account of darkness. And that's all, there's nothing else to say. Now everyone just go home! Go on!
He's probably right - it's gettin' late.
Yeah, I got dinner.
We'll do it again tomorrow.
(Hobson frowns at Paul.)
What are you - his mother?

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(Ep 28 - "On the Spot")

I'm gonna try out for that play. How about you? (Smiles.)
(Hobson walks behind Kevin and sets a flyer next to him.)
Says here ya get of of seventh-period for rehersals.
Seventh-period? Gym?
Count me in...(Smiles.)
(Cut to the auditorium. Mr. Weber stands on the stage.)
Welcome. Thank you all for coming.
Maybe this guy Weber was a geek. But he was a smart geek.
Theater offers you...a chance...to surprise yourself. (Gestures.) To find a part of you...you didn't know you have. Choose a part...that speaks to you in some way.
I think I'll try out for the stage manager. (Nods.)
Are you crazy? (Frowns.) That's the biggest part on the play!
Yeah! (Smiles.) I noticed! (Nods.)
That was Paul for ya. Part ham...mostly baloney. Me, I was looking for something with less visibility. Preferably with no lines to learn. Something simple, like...
(Kevin raises his eye-brows and looks up, then smiles as he turns over his shoulder.)
Bingo!
(Cut to Kevin sitting in a chair behind the spotlight, with his arms folded.)
Spotlight operator.
(Kevin smiles and puts his feet up on the rail.)
Eat your heart out, seventh period!
Paul Pfeiffer.
(Paul is on stage, holding a script.)
Ahem! The name of our town is Grover's Corners, New Hampshire, just across the Massachussett's line.
Yep. Not for me, the pressures of auditioning. Heck - this thing wouldn't even be turned on till the night before the play.
The first act shows a day in our town. The date is May seventh, 1901. The time...is just before dawn.
Thank you, Mr. Pfeiffer. That was...unique!
Thanks! (Smiles.)
*
But there's a broken heart...for every light on Broadway.
Struck out.
You didn't get a part?
Not even the belligerent man in the back of the auditorium. "Is there no one in town aware of social injustice, and industrial inequality?"
Huh?
That's the belligerent man's line - I couldn't get it. Now we'll never know if there is a part of me I didn't know I had.
(Paul sighs and looks down.)
I'll tell ya what. Why don't you work the spotlight with me.
Spotlight? (Frowns.)
Yeah. Why not? You know, Mr. Weber said that lighting is like another character.
He said that?
(Paul straightens up and smiles slightly.)
And besides, we get out of seventh period.
A major character? (Smiles excitedly.)
Uh-oh. I knew that look. The look of a man possessed.
*
My own opinion was, my dad had the right idea. What was the big deal about all this?
Candlepower!
Huh?
(Paul approaches and looks at the spotlight.)
Ya know this baby pumps out 750,000 candles o' light?!
Paul, it's not even turned it on yet.
Yeah, but when she does...(smiles)...powee!
I should have seen it coming. Paul had found his calling.
Ya know, Kev...
(Paul taps Kevin with the manual and frowns.)
It only takes one guy to run this thing...(frowns)...and I was just wondering if -
Paul! You want to run the spotlight...(gestures)...fine with me.
Really?! You don't mind?
(Kevin shakes his head.)
Thanks, Kev! (Smiles.) I won't let you down! I'm gonna run the best spotlight the school ever saw. (Shrugs.) And you can still be my assistant!
(Kevin looks at Paul and frowns.)
Assistant? (Nods.)
*
(Paul holds a clipboard.)
OK, Kev, make a note. We're gonna need another chamois.
What?! (Frowns.)
Since you're my assistant, I thought you might keep a list. (Gestures.)
Paul, I'm not gonna keep a list! (Frowns.)
OK - fine! (Points.) I'll do it myself.
(Paul shakes his finger at Kevin.)
But we're gonna have to talk about your attitude!
(Kevin frowns as Paul hurries off.)
Paul was taking this whole thing a little too seriously.
*
Meanwhile...I had problems of my own.
(Paul cleans the spotlight.)
My relationship with Paul had deteriorated into a classic...labor-management confrontation.
Kevin - I need you to do something for me.
(Kevin gestures without looking up from his magazine.)
Nah, I'm on my break.
Look...I know you're having troubles taking orders from me...because I'm your friend. (Gestures.)
Paul! (Frowns.) I'm having troubles taking orders from you...
(Kevin points at his head with his comic book.)
Because you've completely lost your mind! I mean, you can't even turn that thing on till next Monday...so why don't you just sit back, relax, and enjoy it?! (Gestures.)
I'm relaxed! (Gestures.) I-it's just that...what if the bulb burns out during the show? (Gestures.)
Paul. (Gestures.) It's a brand-new bulb - it's never been used once.
(Paul points at Kevin.)
You can't guarantee that! Can you?! I think we should time...how long it'll take to get to the utility room...(gestures)...and back...(gestures)...with a new bulb.
Good idea. You do it.
Fine!
(Paul takes off his watch.)
You think you can time me, or is that too much to ask?
(Paul holds his watch out toward Kevin. Kevin takes the watch, frowns, looks at the watch, then Paul, then back to the watch.)
Go!
(Paul hurries off. Kevin frowns and looks after him, then tosses the watch on the table.)
At last - a little peace and quiet!
*
(During rehearsal, Winnie flubs her line.)
I can't do this! I'll never be able to do it! (Frowns.)
(She runs off the stage.)
This wasn't just stage-fright.
(Kevin stands up and heads toward the door.)
This girl was in trouble.
(Paul opens the door.)
Kevin - what was my time?
(Paul turns and holds his hands out, as Kevin hurries past him and waves.)
I can't talk - I gotta go!
(Paul moves to the doorway and points with the boxed light-bulb.)
One thing, I ask of you! One thing! (Frowns.)

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(Ep 29 - "Odd Man Out")

(In a camping tent at night, in the backyard.)
The best part of having a best friend is knowing someone really understands you. Paul Pfeiffer and I shared more than just the laughs and the Oreos.
Come on...truth or dare?
Ummmmm...truth.
We shared confidences.
I never really told anybody this, but...(shrugs)...I kinda like Debbie Ackerman. (Smiles.)
No...(smiles.)...not good enough. (Gestures.) Everybody likes Debbie Ackerman. (Nods.)
OK. Ummmmm....OK, OK - here's one. Once, when I was nine...(gestures)...I snuck up into her attic, and I saw Mrs. Anderson sunbathing next door.
(Kevin looks off skeptically.)
With her top off...(Smiles.)
No way...(Frowns.)
(Paul nods emphatically.)
Oh! (Frowns.) I don't believe it!
OK, your turn. (Smiles.)
OK. You know that fire alarm that went off Thursday? Fourth period?
Uh-hmm. (Nods.)
(Kevin smiles and nods as he looks off.)
No way!
Yes, way! (Frowns.)
You're lying.
You don't think I'd do that?
Look me in the eye and say you'd do that. (Nods.)
In a lot of ways, Paul knew me better than I knew myself. And he wouldn't hesitate to remind me if I ever forgot.
(Kevin smiles and laughs.)
I knew it. (Shrugs.)
It was a tried-and-true relationship.
Alright, come on - let's get some shut-eye.
(Kevin reaches up and dims the lantern. They both lie down. Fade to later. Snoring can be heard.)
But like all relationships...
Paul?
Sometimes it got a little stale.
Paul...
(Cut to afternoon in the kitchen. The opening credits of the "Addam's Family" plays on TV, and Paul smiles and mimics the show's theme.)
Nana-na-na. (Clicks fingers.) Nana-na-na. Nana-na-na. Nana-na-na. Ding-dong!
(Kevin frowns.)
Nana-na-na. (Clicks cheek.) Nana-na-na. Zih-zing! (Smiles.)
(Kevin frowns again and turns toward Paul.)
Paul?
Huh? (Frowns.)
I'm tryin' to watch. (Gestures.) Do ya mind?
Hey - it's a free country! (Frowns.)
Yeah - but it's my house. (Frowns.) Now I want ya to knock it off!
(Paul looks off a moment, then starts to hum the theme.)
When Paul and I reached a familiar deadlock of stagnation...
(Paul smiles as he starts bobbing to the theme. Kevin frowns.)
There was generally one agreed-upon solution.
(Sound of knocking. They pause, then turn toward the door. Doug is smiling and looking in.)
Hey, guys! What's happening?
Doug Porter.
(Cut to the basement, playing Monopoly.)
He was the most agreeable kid we'd ever met.
(Doug rolls the dice and moves his token.)
Alright! Boardwalk! (Frowns.) How much is it?
It's four hundred big ones. (Nods.)
Yeah...(frowns)...that's pretty expensive, Doug. You sure you want to buy it?
Yeah...(shrugs)...look how much it costs to put hotels on it.
(Paul holds the game card toward Doug, who takes it.)
Well, maybe you're right.
(Paul takes the card back.)
Your turn...
(Paul flips the dice toward Doug with the card.)
You got doubles.
Doug's blandness was like buttered toast to an upset stomach.
(Doug rolls the dice and moves his token.)
Vroom, vroom...vroom!
But, so long as he got to be the car in Monopoly...he was happy.
Vroom, vroom! Vroom, vroom!
And we were happy in his company.
(Doug moves his token around the corner of the board.)
Errrrk!
(Fade to the same shot, later in the game.)
In small doses.
Doubles, again! (Smiles.) Boy - today's my lucky day. (Smiles.) Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!
Uh...I think that's about it for me, guys.
(Paul starts to stand up.)
Huh?
(Paul hops over the back of the couch.)
But...(Sighs.)
Sorry, guys. (Gestures.) I gotta get home. (Gestures.) Ya know, stuff to do. (Nods.)
(Kevin looks over his shoulder.)
Oh, well...I'll see ya, Paul.
Yeah. (Gestures.) Seeya later. (Exits.)
(Doug turns toward Kevin.)
You wanna play again? (Smiles.)
Nah...I gotta lot of homework to do.
OK. Well, um...maybe I'll see ya tomorrow. (Exits.)
Yeah, maybe. Seeya.
Yep. Three games of Monopoly was just about the limit with Doug. After that...
(Kevin turns his back to the stairs and smiles.)
Paul?
(Paul hurries down the stairs and pauses.)
You called?
Hoops? (Smiles.)
You're on, sucker! Hah-hah!
We never felt wonderful about ditching the guy. But it was nothing personal. Doug was just kinda...odd man out.
(The hurry up the stairs.)
Whereas Paul and I were in for the long haul.
(Cut to Kevin's bedroom. Kevin and Paul are "negotiating" baseball cards.)
Until that day when the haul got just a tad too long.
Alright. Here's the deal. OK...(gestures)...I'll give ya my Marischal...and...the Tiant...for your McCovey, and...
(Paul frowns and gestures with a card.)
No, no, no. McCovey's off the table.
Oh, come on, Paul! Be reasonable! (Frowns.)
I am being reasonable. McCovey is off the table! Unless...(smiles)...you're willing to think about your Williams.
Ah, you can't be serious! (Frowns.) Willie McCovey for Ted Williams? (Shrugs.) That's an insult!
(Kevin stands up and take a few steps away from the bed.)
The McCovey trade. A common impass. We'd been through this a hundred times before.
Alright...(Frowns.) I'll tell ya what...
(Kevin gestures with each card as he names them.)
You got the Marischal, the Tiant, and...I'll throw in Don Schwartz.
Don Schwartz? (Frowns.) You've been tryin' to pawn that Schwartz off on me for years. When are ya gonna to give up on...(gestures)...the Don Schwartz, already?
What's it gonna take, Paul?! (Frowns.)
McCovey is off the table.
Paul, just bend a little on this one, huh? (Nods.)
How about you bend a little? (Frowns.)
But the fact was...that day, I was tired of bending. I was tired of the endless effort spent hammering out compromise.
What's the matter with you, anyway? (Frowns.)
Nothing's wrong with me - what's the matter with you?
(Kevin looks down and frowns.)
Sometimes you're so weird.
I heard that! (Frowns.)
What?
You called me a weirdo!
Alright - fine! (Gestures.) I called you a weirdo! Satisfied?! (Frowns.)
I'm a weirdo...I'm a weirdo?! Hey...I'm not the one that has cartoon figures on my pillow case!
What was this? A slanderous personal attack?
What did you say? (Frowns.)
I said...at least I don't have cartoon figures on my pillow case!
Yeah?
(Kevin stands up. Paul turns to face him.)
Well, at least I...(gestures)...don't have stuffed animals on my bed!
Oh, yeah? Well, at least I don't have the hots for Winnie Cooper!
(Kevin drops his cards on the bed, and approaches Paul slowly.)
OK. That did it.
That's...a lie. (Frowns.)
Look me in the eye, and say it's a lie.
I looked him in the eye, alright. But all I saw was a knee-jiggling, spaghetti-slurping, gum-cracking twerp. Course, I'd never say so.
Well, at least I'm not an ugly four-eyed jerk that nobody likes!
(Paul looks at Kevin a moment, frowns and throws his cards down, then walks out the doorway, jerking both fists.)
Total butthead! (Exits.)
(Kevin looks after him.)
Loser!
(Sound of the front door closing. Kevin frowns, kicks his dresser, and swats something laying on top of it. He picks up a book and 45 RPM records, then flips them toward Wayne's bed.)
Years of suppressed frustration had finally reared their ugly head. I was sick of it. Why did it always have to be so difficult?
*
(On the bus. Paul walks down the aisle.)
Still, there it was...that old goofy smile. Aw, heck - if he was willin' to make the first move, well...
(Kevin moves his books off the seat.)
I guess I could leave the porch light on for him.
Hey! (Smiles.)
(Kevin opens his mouth to speak. Brady is sitting behind him.)
Hey, man! Take a seat!
(Kevin frowns as Paul passes him and sits next to Brady.)
God - I thought this day would never end.
Same here.
Brady Ryland? Paul was hanging out with Brady Ryland? Phhh! Talk about desperate. Ryland was a total...
(Doug sits next to Kevin.)
Hey, Kev! This seat taken?
Loser.
*
As I stood outside that window, I watched the easy give-and-take of two new friends. And I realized something. Doug Porter was no longer the odd man out. It was me. But I guess in a way we're all odd men out. Until we find a match that makes us even. Someone who challenges us to be our best. Someone who understands us. Even at our worst. I was beginning to appreciate how rare a thing that was.
(Kevin and Paul approach on bikes and stop next to each other.)
Hey.
Hey.
I wanted to tell him I was a better person for knowing him. That I hoped our friendship would endure the trials of a lifetime.
Well...seeya.
Yeah. Seeya.
But...I knew he understood.
(Fade to the tent. Kevin and Paul are silhouetted against it, holding baseball cards.)
I was thinking about that McCovey trade.
Yeah?
Well, maybe I could do it for the Marischal and the Tiant.
Paul? (Gestures.) Come on - it's a bad trade. (Gestures.)
Well, come on, Kevin. I really think I want that Tiant - I mean, I've wanted it for a long time.
For McCovey? Come on...
Come on - don't be such a jerk about it. I want to make a trade.
I can't do it, Paul - it's stupid.
Oh, so now you're calling me stupid?
(Fade to closing credits.)
McCovey is off the table.

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(Ep 30 - "The Family Car")

(In the cafeteria, Paul approaches slowly, with a tray in one hand, and his other hand in his pocket. Hobson looks at Paul.)
Hey, Pfeiffer! Your fly's open.
(Paul looks down and spills his tray on the floor. Craig, Kevin, Winnie and others look toward Paul and smile. Some kids laugh and applaud.)
Embarrassment. The stock in trade of any self-respecting eight-grader.
Very funny, Hobson!
Still, when it came to the art of raw insult...I could hold my own.
So, uh, Hobson...I heard you struck out with Penny Brubaker last night at the movies.
Who told you that?
(Kevin looks at Winnie and smiles slightly. She looks away guiltily.)
Oh, wouldn't you like to know?
(Craig looks toward Winnie, who squirms slightly.)
You guys are terrible. (Exits.)
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Say, Arnold? Wasn't that your car I saw stalling out in front of school this morning?
Wait a minute...what was this?
Why? (Frowns.)
Nothing. It's just...(shrugs)...it sounded like a Sherman tank.
Hey, his dad keeps it running!
His dad keeps it runnin'...(nods)...right into the ground. Say...when's you old man gonna pop for somethin' made in this century?
*
(Lockers.)
What did you get?
Great. Now I was in for it. So much for shooting off my mouth about car-shopping with Dad.
You didn't get one, did ya?
Well, I didn't say that! (Frowns.) We're just...(glances off)...still looking. (Smiles.)
For your information, Hobson, they're talking Mustang.
So what's the holdup.
Well, they...tried to stick it to us in the trade-in.
That's it - stun 'em with some fancy shop-talk.

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(Ep 31 - "The Pimple")

(In science class.)
This girl had a crush on you?
Yeah, well, in kindergarten. (Smiles.)
And she's coming to your house?
Maybe I was bragging, but I knew Paul would appreciate my good fortune.
Oh, man.
(Paul frowns and shakes his head.)
I'd be worried.
Worried? (Gestures.)
What if something goes wrong?
Wrong? (Smiles.) Paul, what could possibly go wrong? (Gestures).
(Mr. Cantwell narrates a film strip.)
For centuries, man has tried to predict when and where nature will wreak her havoc. With no success.
I don't know, it just sounds to good to be true. (Frowns.)
(Paul looks at the photo.)
Things like this don't...just happen. (Gestures.)
Apparently Cantwell and Paul shared the same world view.
Things fall apart.
Yeah, so, bottom-line, Paul...You happy for me or not? (Smiles.)
Sure, I'm happy.
Good! (Smiles.)
I-it's just that...
What? (Frowns.)
You never know, Kevin. That's the worst part - you just...never...know.
*
(At the bus stop.)
Ick...(Frowns.)
Paul...(Frowns.)
Have you been eating fried food?
Paul...
Chocolate?
Paul...
(Paul looks off, and smiles slightly.)
I know...
What?
Stress.
(Kevin looks off and sighs.)
Have you been experiencing any stress lately?
Yeah - since the start of this conversation.
Can we just forget about it?
Yeah, sure - don't worry about it. (Shrugs.) I mean it's no big deal...
Exactly. (Nods.) So can we just forget -
(Paul looks off and frowns.)
Oh my God...Isn't that girl coming this week?
Ladies and gentlemen - my best friend.
Isn't that always the way? (Shrugs.) I told ya something was gonna go wrong. What are ya gonna do?
*
(On the bus.)
As long as I could keep everyone on the righthand side of my face all day...things would be just fine.
Hey - that's my seat.
This isn't assigned seating. (Frowns.)
Yeah, but I like sitting by the window. (Frowns.)
Paul, live a little, huh?
*
Have you tried steaming your face in lemon water?
Huh?
No, really! Mom says the only way to get rid of facial blemishes is hot towels and steaming lemon water.
Lemon water? (Frowns.)
Yeah. It works every time. (Nods.)
Really? (Frowns.) It worked for you?
Well...I never really...well...(shrugs)...had a pimple.
Then how would you know anything about getting rid of 'em, huh? (Frowns.)
Hey, I was just trying to help, OK?

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(Ep 32 - "Math Class Squared")

The man was kind of a hero. He made me want to do my best. Not that my best was anything to brag about. But...
This is a bear. Why'd I ever let Mr. Collins talk me into advanced math?
Oh, come on, Paul - you're doing fine.
At least I didn't have to suffer the anxieties of a major-league math jock.
I don't know...look what I got on my last quiz. A "B".
So what's wrong with a "B"? (Smiles.)
A "B" is like kissing your sister. (Shrugs.)
(Kevin holds up his paper. It is a "C".)
So who am I kissing?
Uh, look...(gestures)...I-I didn't mean it like -
No, it's alright, Paul. I'm fine about it, really.
I'm gonna go...check out some books.
*
A "D"?! You got a "D"?
I don't understand. I mean, I got a 72. Last week I got a 72 and it was a "C".
Let me see this. Hmmm...He must be grading on the curve.
"The curve". You heard stories about it, but you never thought it'd happen to you.
It's kind of a parabolic way of grading. Imagine...the grade distribution of your class - it's like a bell -
Paul, I know what a curve is. (Frowns.)
At least I knew enough about it to smell a rat.
So what you're saying is...if there were some students who were getting "C"'s and "D"'s last week, and this week were getting "A"'s and "B"'s...
That's it! (Smiles.) That could affect your grade!
Great...
But I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure it's just temporary. (Shrugs.)
What makes you think that?
Well, the entire grade average doesn't change over night - that much is obvious.
Uh-huh. Obvious to Paul, maybe.
*
(Kevin has gotten better scores by cheating.)
Things started to get more complicated.
You got a "B-plus"? Kevin...you math stud, you.
Then again...
Hey - maybe I should study with you!
What can I say?
What could I say?
*
(In advanced math class, Kevin is stymied when Mr. Collins asks him a question. The camera whirls over to Paul as Rod Serling, on "The Twilight Zone" set.)
Submitted for your approval - a boy...suffering the tortures of algebra.
He went looking for easy answers, but somehow it didn't add up.
Let "X" equal an unknown quantity. Let "Y" go left unanswered.
If six bald men...get on a train...going a hundred miles per hour -
how many stops before they reach - The Twilight Zone?

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11/15/14 19:20