John "Jack" Arnold





(Ep 41 - "Faith")

(Clips of churches, choirs, etc.)
Once upon a time, our country was founded upon...faith. Faith in all its forms. But during the late nineteen-sixties, people...
(Clips of people looking up toward the sky, a Saturn rocket, etc.)
Began looking heavenward...for new answers to old questions. The bravest among us...journeyed into the unknown. While the rest of us stood by with our support. Our goodwill. And of course...
(Cut to the kitchen. Jack's hand holds a 1969 "Form 1040" tax form.)
Damn!
Our taxes.
(Jack turns toward Norma.)
Already? (Frowns.)
For my father, April was the cruelest month...
I bust my hump all year for this? (Frowns.)
It wasn't that Dad didn't have faith in Uncle Sam. He believed in taxes.
(Norma hands a drink to Jack)
Here ya are, honey. (Smiles.)
It was just the part about paying them he resented. So, from the moment the old ten-forty's arrived in the mail, life around the Arnold house...shifted into kind of a state of emergency.
(Karen stands up and hurries to Jack's chair.)
Here, Daddy. (Gestures.) Have a seat.
(Jack frowns at the tax form as he approaches.)
We all knew the drill. And each of us...had an assignment.
(On TV): Apollo Thirteen astronauts report smooth sailing on day one of their mission to the moon.
Kevin, turn down the damn TV!
My assignment was to turn down the damn TV.
(Wayne drums his carrots on the table.)
Wayne's assignment was to be...
(Jack frowns at Wayne.)
Well...invisible. After that, it was all kind of up to Mom.
I'll put these in the file with the other forms. (Smiles.)
(She takes the tax form from Jack.)
See, even though Dad filled out the forms and signed the checks...it was Mom who kept the receipts, organized the paperwork...
(Jack looks forward and frowns heavily as Norma approaches with TV dinners.)
Stockpiled the bi-carb...and generally...
Anyone for dinner? (Smiles.)
Kept Dad from eating us alive.
I bust my hump all year for this? (Gestures.)
Still, for all his grumbling, on some level...Dad knew taxes were inevitable. Something you could depend on.
*
(Evening in the living room.)
Did you get those receipts together yet, Norma?
Don't worry, honey. (Gestures.) Everything...is under control.
That was Mom. Always the picture of calm.
Saturday we'll fill out the forms - we'll get it over with. (Nods.)
(Norma looks in a big bag on the table. She frowns slightly, then reaches for another bag. Jack looks at Norma and pauses.)
Norma?
Right. (Smiles.) I'll get your bi-carb.
(She looks off worriedly, then exits toward the kitchen. Jack looks at Kevin and nods directionally.)
What's wrong with her?
Hard to tell. I guess Mom had problems of her own. Meanwhile, I had a deadline. And I do mean "deadline".
Dad, have you ever thought about your life?
(Jack looks at Kevin incredulously.)
Huh?
Uh, well...it's for school. I mean, if you had to write about it, what would you say?
(Jack frowns and looks off.)
OK, time for a meaningful father-son exchange here. A thoughtful summing up.
I get up at five in the morning. I fight traffic. I bust my hump all day, I fight traffic again. Then I come home. (Nods.)
(Jack smirks at Kevin.)
Then I pay my taxes.
(Jack glares at Kevin.)
"The End".
In a way, it kinda made ya feel ya knew the guy.
(Saturday in the kitchen. Norma just called the post office (?) to find out if the tax receipts were left there - they had not.)
Tax day at ground zero. Situation...grim. Mom had tuned the house upside down looking for those tax receipts. With no luck.
(Jack enters from the basement, testing a hedge trimmer.)
Norma? Time to get started...
Gee, what was he gonna do - hack those W-2's to death?
Thought I'd sharpen these clippers out in the garage.
(Norma looks at the trimmer uncomfortably.)
Oh...(Frowns.) That's a good idea. (Nods.)
Sure, good idea. Distract him with tools.
(Jack frowns at the trimmer, then looks at Norma quickly.)
Then after dinner...(gestures)...we'll go to work on those taxes. (Nods.)
Honey? (Frowns.)
Hmmm?
I was just thinking...why waste a perfectly good Saturday night on paperwork? Why don't we...go out to a movie? It's been ages since we all went out together.
Come on, Dad - I think it'll be fun. (Smiles.)
Maybe tomorrow. We're doin' taxes tonight. (Exits.)
*
(Kevin looks through the window in the small garage door and sees Jack at the grinding wheel. Jack frowns, snaps the trimmer closed a few times, then turns the bolt holding the trimmer blades together.)
Damn piece of tin...
(Kevin enters.)
Dad? I was just wondering...What happens if you don't pay your taxes?
What are ya talkin' about? (Frowns.)
Well, say you...forgot. Or, you couldn't, for some reason. What would happen then?
A reasonable question.
You go to jail. (Shrugs.)
A reasonable answer.
(Jack presses the trimmer against the grinding wheel. Kevin looks at it and frowns.)
Oh...
Unless, of course, you have a legitimate excuse.
OK - that might apply here.
What if...(shrugs)...say, uh...like...you...lose...your, your receipts and stuff?
What?
Through, uh, somehow by a...freak accident. (Smiles.)
(Jack frowns at him.)
Oh, my gosh. He knew.
(Jack frowns at him, then smiles slightly as he puts the trimmer down.)
Now I get it. You know what, Kev? (Gestures.) You worry too much.
I do? (Frowns.)
Your mom would never lose those receipts.
(Jack leans slightly closer.)
She guards them with her life.
Uh-huh. That's exactly what I was afraid of.
(Jack chuckles as he snaps the trimmer open and closed two times, then looks at the grinding wheel, then presses the blade against it. Cut to the living room. Norma is nervously tapping the arm of the couch and frowning at the TV.)
It was becoming pretty clear...mine wasn't the only obituary that needed writing.
(Jack enters from the kitchen and approaches Norma as he wipes his hands on a rag.)
Norma? Time to get to work. Put it off long enough.
(Norma looks up, distracted.)
What, honey?
You got all the forms together? You got the state...and federal...my W-2's...the receipts?
(Norma nods half-heartedly.)
Of course.
I'll get cleaned up, and we'll start.
Uh, Jack? (Frowns.)
Well, the moment of truth had come. Mom was gonna have to come clean. She was gonna have to...
I have an...errand to run in town. (Frowns.) I'll be back in a bit.
(Norma hurriedly picks up her coat and purse, glances at Jack, then hurries toward the kitchen.)
Run for her life. It was kinda like watching Custer turn tail at Little Big Horn.
I-I gotta go. (Shrugs.)
Can I have a ride?
(They exit.)
And I alone...was left to tell the tale.
Well...maybe I'll get started without her. Where'd she leave those damn receipts? (Frowns.)
*
(Kevin found Norma at a church. They have just arrived home. The news is on TV.)
The emergency rules out any chance of a lunar landing...
Faced with the inevitable...
(Norma takes her coat off as Kevin put his on the table.)
Mom seemed so calm. And brave.
Norma?!
(Kevin and Norma look over their shoulders.)
The command module's oxygen...
Norma? Where the hell are those receipts?
(Norma exits.)
*
(Kevin watches some news, then goes outside and gives a "little prayer for all of us." He enters the front door.)
I was prepared for the worst. Tears. Rage. A family in shambles.
(Kevin hears Norma laugh.)
Or...
(Kevin approaches Norma and Jack's bedroom as Jack laughs. Jack is sitting on the floor against the bed. Norma is on her stomach with her feet up, looking over Jack's shoulder.)
That's when we went to Omaha. You remember the plane fare?
A hundred and fifty bucks.
I couldn't believe it. I'd never seen them quite so close. Like they didn't have a care in the world. But watching them, together...loving each other...recreating the past year from memory, I felt...a bond. A promise that things would work out.
So where'd ya go today?
First I went by the post office to see if anyone had turned in the receipts...
Ah...
And then I stopped by a church. Said a prayer for the astronauts.
Unh...
And suddenly, a lot of things made sense.
So how many days were you in that hotel in Omaha?
Three days...
Three days. What, at about...?
Thirty bucks a day...

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(Ep 42 - "The Unnatural")

(Kevin kibbitzed during Paul's baseball tryout. The coach goaded Kevin into taking an at-bat. Now, Kevin and Paul are in Kevin's kitchen.)
Man, the first pitch, and you nailed it. A lucky hit.
Sure.
He almost got it by you...
I know.
You swung so late, you put it in the opposite field.
Well, it was understandable. What did I expect from Paul? Congratulations? A candy-gram?
Look, Paul - it was just a lucky hit, OK? I mean, there's no way I'm goin' back!
And I wasn't. Our long-standing friendship meant more to me than -
Going back where?
Baseball tryouts.
Oh...
But wait a minute. Was that an actual glimmer of interest in the old man's eye?
(Jack walks past Kevin then turns.)
You tried out for baseball? Hmmm. (Nods.)
There's nothin' quite like the feeling you get when your father "hmmm's" at you with pride in his eyes.
Well...
No, he just made this one lucky hit.
It wasn't luck, Paul! (Frowns.)
So much for long-standing friendships.
I nailed it on the first pitch. (Smiles.)
So...
(Jack tosses the baseball up.)
You went out for the team? (Smiles.)
Not really. He just -
Yeah, I did! (Nods.) I thought I'd give it a shot.
So...Did ya make the team?
Well, there are still some more tryouts, but the coach wanted me to come back tomorrow.
No kiddin'?
(Jack smiles a little, then tosses the ball to Paul and walks to the refrigerator.)
Yep, when your dad looked at you like that...
(Jack pokes Kevin in the stomach. Kevin smiles as he doubles up.)
You felt like you could do anything.
(Cut to baseball tryouts. The pitcher throws a strike past Kevin.
Strike one!
Well, almost anything.
Come on, Arnold. Nice, easy swing - just like you did yesterday.
Right. Got it.
(Kevin talks to himself as he gets set for the next pitch.)
Alright. Nice easy swing. Just relax.
Sure, "relax". Nothin' on the line here, right? Except...
Come on, Kev!
(Kevin sees Jack at the bleachers.)
Give it a rip!
My entire adolescent manhood.
(Jack claps a few times.)
OK - the pressure was on. But...I was up to it.
(Kevin swings.)
Strike two!
Give it a little ride, Kev!
All I needed here was a little concentration. All I had to do was make contact. All I had to do was...
(Kevin swings.)
Strike three!
Whiff.
*
(At dinner.)
You made the cut?!
Uh-huh...
Uh-huh.
I'd made the first cut. Never mind I had no idea why.
I didn't know they had tryouts for batboys.
(Wayne smiles and swings an imaginary bat.)
Hey, knock it off - your brother did good out there today.
Really? (Smiles.)
Really?
Coach says he has potential. (Smiles.)
Yeah, that must be it - "potential". The magic word.
Well, congratulations, honey. (Smiles.)
So, Dad. You and Coach Baker talked for a long time.
(Jack nods as he chews.)
Anything besides potential come up?
So what'd he say about me, Dad? (Smiles.)
Don't leave anything out, now. Adjectives...superlatives...
(Jack gestures toward Kevin with a carrot.)
Oh, yeah...
(Jack looks at Norma.)
Kevin's coach...is Ted Baker.
No...!
Uh-hmmm.
(Jack nods emphatically.)
You know the coach? (Frowns.)
Yeah, we were in the Corps together. (Nods and smiles.)
How interesting...but back to the old superlatives.
How's his wife? What was her name?
Arlene. You know, both of his kids are in college already?
No...!
Uh-hmm.
Fascinating. But what did that have to do with me?
(Jack looks at Norma.)
Ted invited me back for tomorrow. (Nods.)
Woops.
(Jack turns to Kevin and smiles.)
*
(Another day after tryouts, the coach cuts a boy from the team, but keeps Kevin, who was terrible.)
What was goin' on here? It didn't add up. Potential was one thing, but...
Too bad my dad's not so buddy-buddy with the coach. (Frowns.)
(Cut to the field. Jack is swinging the bat as Kevin walks across the pitcher's mound.)
"Buddy-buddy with the coach"?
Congratulations. Teddy said you made the cut. (Smiles.)
"Teddy"?
(Jack gestures with the bat and ball.)
I found these out here. You can take 'em back tomorrow.
OK.
Come on. (Smiles.) Toss me a couple.
(Jack tosses the ball to Kevin.)
Dad...(Frowns.)
Come on. See if you can get one past your old man. (Smiles.)
Part of me wanted to know the truth. And part of me didn't.
(Kevin walks to the mound as Jack walks to the batter's box.)
OK, now - gimme your best shot. Teddy says your arm needs work.
(Kevin pitches the ball. Jack catches it.)
Come on...no creampuffs!
(Jack throws the ball back.)
I didn't know what to think. About Dad and Coach Baker. About making the cut. About a childhood dream that just days before had seemed to be in the palm of my hand.
Fire it in now!
All I knew was, I was about to throw a baseball harder than I'd ever thrown one in my life.
(Kevin throws a fastball. Jack hits it over the fence.)
And what had been in the palm of my hand, was now out of the ballpark.
*
(After two more bad tryouts, Kevin goes to see Coach Baker, and learns Jack saved his life in Korea. Sound of an incoming mortar as Kevin has a fantasy of Jack and Coach Baker in a foxhole, shooting at approaching enemy soldiers.)
You saved my life!
Ah, forget it.
No, I owe ya, Arnold. Anything - just name it!
Well...Ya know, someday I may have a son. If you're ever in the position to put him on a baseball team, I'd really appreciate it.
Consider it done.
You know, in fact...it would be nice if...
(Jack puts his unlit cigar back in his mouth.)
He were a starter.
Well, you know...I can't promise anything.
(Soldiers fire at them.)
Look out!
(Jack pushes Baker down and fires back.)
Starter it is.
Yeah. And I'm sure he'd like to play somewhere in the infield.
Well, I don't know...
Look out! Look out!
(The enemy attacks again. Jack pushes Baker down and fires back.)
How about short-stop?
Well, come on. Let's get the hell outta here!
(Cut to Kevin watching an army movie on TV.)
It gave a whole new meaning to the concept of war...
(Kevin looks at Jack uncomfortably as he approaches.)
Knowing that millions of brave men had gone off to fight and saved lives, just so their inept sons could play junior high school baseball.
(Jack flips off the TV.)
Hey, ya know? I've been thinkin'. This mitt of yours is gettin' kinda ratty.
(Jack approaches with Kevin's glove.)
How'd ya like to go out...and get a new one?
A new mitt?
Yeah - why not? (Shrugs.)
I don't need a new mitt. (Frowns.)
Hey - wait'll you get a whiff of that fresh new rawhide on your hand. (Smiles.) What d'ya say?
Though moments like this from my father were rare...it wasn't hard to see what he was feeling. Unfortunately, I also had an idea why.
There's no way I could break it in in time for tomorrow.
Course not. I just have a feelin' you're gonna need it...after tomorrow. (Smiles.)
And there it was - the smoking gun. The dead giveaway.
We'll go down to Kel's sporting goods - they must have a ton in stock right now. (Smiles.) Come on - it'll be fun, Kev. Let's go!
(Kevin frowns and stands up.)
Look. I don't want a new mitt. I can do fine with my own, OK?!
(Jack looks puzzled.)
Let 'em get his own mitt.
(Kevin frowns and walks off.)
I was sick of playing someone else's game.

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(Ep 43 - "Goodbye")

(Kevin is studying in his room. Jack looks in from the doorway.)
How's it coming there, sport?
Uh...fine.
Heard you brought home a quiz.
(Kevin holds up his quiz.)
Yeah. Another "C".
Uh, well, there's nothing to be ashamed of there. Right?
(Kevin puts his quiz down and half-heartedly smiles.)
Right, Dad.
(Jack smiles and exits.)
But suddenly, for some reason, that respectable "C" didn't feel so...respectable.

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(Ep 44 - "Cocoa and Sympathy")

(Clips of famous comedy teams.)
Every great act has its own routine. Delivery, timing...They take years to perfect. It takes hard work and practice. But once you've got it down, it becomes...second-nature. Routine.
(Fade to Kevin and Wayne pushing each other at the kitchen table.)
Butthead!
Dorkface!
(Wayne pushes Kevin into Karen's newspaper.)
Grow up!
Take my family. Please.
("Brrrp-pish!" of drums.)
(Jack enters.)
Good morning. (Smiles.)
(Norma hands Jack a cup of coffee.)
Hnnn...
Talk about routines - we had a million of 'em.
(Jack sits and opens the newspaper.)
Kevin? Did you feed -
Mom, can you do it? (Gestures.) I gotta get to school early...
Mom? Did you fix that button on my -
I sewed it on last night. (Smiles.)
Norma, where's my -
It's in your briefcase.
Hey, where's uh -
(Norma brings a glass to the table.)
Right here. (Smiles.)
Yep - we had 'em all. Timing, delivery, and of course, the best straight-man in the business.
Jack? The tickets for the concert series arrived. (Smiles.)
(Jack is looking at his newspaper.)
Good old mom.
Honey?
(Jack looks up.)
Uh...no, no - just coffee's fine. (Smiles.)
No, Jack - I was talking about the concert series. (Nods.)
Oh...
It starts this Thursday night. They're doing chamber music. I think it should be fun.
Uh-huh. You could always count on Norma Arnold to set up the punchlines.
Thursday's gonna be a bear, Norma. (Nods.) It's this damn audit.
(Jack glances sideways toward Kevin.)
One of the kids'll go with ya. (Nods.)
("Brrrp-pish!" of drums.)
(Norma looks expectantly toward the kids.)
I've got a date.
Big history test Friday. Gotta hit the books.
You had to hand it to her. Mom was perfect at the part. Like any great comedian.
(Norma looks down and nods.)
*
(Norma is getting ready to go to the concert with Paul. Jack approaches, holding a pizza.)
Norma? Can you come here a minute?
I'm still getting dressed, honey!
In fact, she was sounding down-right chipper.
(Doorbell rings.)
I'll get it.
(Jack opens the door. It's Paul.)
Oh, hi, Mr. Arnold. (Smiles.) I brought a Jell-O mold. My mother wanted me to bring it over. It's lime Jell-O. She put fruit cocktail in it, but we didn't have any of those little marshmallows...
(Jack looks over his shoulder.)
Norma?! Paul's here!
I'll just be a minute!
She'll just be a minute. (Nods.)
(Paul enters.)
Norma? This pizza's still frozen in the middle.
Turn it up to four-fifty for about another ten minutes.
Oh. Hnnn...
Oh, and...sprinkle a little water on the crust.
(Jack frowns.)
I've always found the only way you can get the middle warm is...burn the sides.
That was it. The same thirteen-year-old who was dating his wife was now giving him cooking tips? Dad wasn't gonna stand for this.
How much water?
Oh, just a little sprinkle. (Demonstrates.) Sir.
Hnnn...
(Jack exits toward the kitchen.)
OK, then - if Dad wouldn't do it, I would. It was time to explain to Paul...my mother...was just like everyone else's mother.
OK, I'm ready...
(Norma enters in slow motion, dressed in a black dress and pearls.)
Only more beautiful.
Hi, honey. (Smiles.)
(P & K): Hi. (Smiles.)
(Kevin and Paul look at each other.)
(Norma looks at Paul's Jell-O.)
Oh! My mom wanted me to give this to you.
Oh, thank you! (Smiles.) That was very nice of her.
Hey - should I put some foil on this? (Smiles.)
(P & N): It'll stick.
Oh...
Well, are you ready? (Smiles.)
(Paul nods. They head toward the door.)
It was...embarrassing. Didn't Dad see?
(Jack hurriedly follows with the droopy pizza.)
While he was busy playing "Susie Homemaker", my best friend was squiring his wife around town.
(Norma turns around on the porch.)
Well. I'll seeya later. And, if you want a snack tonight...there's Jell-O. (Smiles.)
(She hands the Jell-O to Paul, who hands it to Kevin. Norma and Paul walk toward the car.)
You really look gorgeous.
It should be fun.
(Jack frowns holding the pizza and Kevin frowns holding the Jell-O.)
Yep - there was definitely something wrong with this picture.
(Cut to Kevin carrying a bottle of milk into the dining room.)
By nine that night, the pizza was burned, the Jell-O was gone, and the toaster had blown a fuse.
(Kevin pours some milk on Jack's cereal, and then his own.)
Without Mom to help, Dad and I had been reduced to the lower end of the food chain.
(Jack gestures, and Kevin pours some more milk on Jack's cereal.)
Plus, the more rudimentary forms of communication.
(They chew noisily.)
Seemed like a perfect time to do a little historical research.
Dad?
Ummmm?
Did you know Mom when she wanted to be a singer?
(Jack smacks, then nods.)
That's right. She did.
OK! An actual eye-witness. Maybe I was on to somethin' here.
And was she really -
Kev...(Gestures.) Put a lid on it. (Frowns.) I gotta get this finished by tomorrow.
(Jack picks up a small stack of papers and taps them on the table to align them.)
Sure.
Sure...
*
(Paul has said goodbye to Norma and has just left.)
And in that moment, I began to realize...a lot of things. Maybe my mother didn't go to the concert with Paul because she thought he was special, but because he thought she was special. Special enough to ask more than "where's my jersey", "what's for dinner", or...
(Jack stands and approaches Norma in the kitchen.)
Who took the TV guide?
Oh, try Wayne's room under his pillow, or maybe it's behind Karen's record-player.
(Jack turns and frowns.)
It's supposed to stay on the -
(Jack gestures as he walks toward the dining room.)
I know...
(Jack pauses in the doorway and turns toward Norma.)
I guess Dad realized it, too.
So. You had a good time? (Smiles.)
Uh-huh. (Smiles.)
Yeah, well...(frowns and nods)...isn't there supposed to be another one of these things?
Next month...(Nods.)
Huh...(nods)...so, uh...(shrugs)...we'll go.
OK. (Smiles.)
OK. (Smiles.)
(Jack taps Kevin on the arm and exits.)

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(Ep 45 - "Daddy's Little Girl")

(Clips of little Karen and Jack.)
From the moment a father first lays eyes on his daughter, she's forever daddy's little girl. And he's forever her hero. A giver of gifts. A granter of wishes. A knight in shining armor. And in return, she gives to him that love and respect which is special between dads and their girls.
(Cut to the kitchen table.)
I can't stand living in this house.
Well, where the hell were you last night?
Look - will you stop giving me the third degree?
Of course, for my sister and my father, that special love and respect took the form of...
I waited up half the night.
Well, you don't have to wait up for me.
Guerrilla warfare.
I left the damn porchlight on until all hours. Do you have any idea how much that costs?
Sorry - take it out of my allowance.
But the week of my sister's birthday, they brought out the heavy artillery.
Your curfew is eleven. You want to be grounded?
I don't believe this - I'm eighteen!
Not until Sunday, you're not!
During that week, Mom was sort of like the UN, trying to mediate the warring factions.
Boysenberry syrup?
And failing miserably.
(Karen looks at Kevin.)
Why is he always on my case?
Well, uh...
(Jack looks at Kevin.)
Why can't she ever listen?
Me? I was kinda like...
Uh...
Switzerland.
Can't we just...eat our breakfast in peace?
(Sound of a car horn outside. Karen stands up.)
Now where are you going?
To school...
As for Wayne and myself, we'd learned to keep a low profile during these skirmishes.
Kevin - Wayne...clean up the dishes...(gestures)...take out the garbage.
Because you never knew when you might get hit by a stray bullet.
And Kevin...I want those leaves raked and bagged tomorrow.
Your turn to wash, butthead!
The fact was, whenever Dad had an axe to grind with Karen, he ended up grinding it on us.
*
(In the living room.)
I'm not listenin' to this. No grades...no exams...
Daddy, it's a very good school.
The hell kinda college is that?
But it wasn't that Dad didn't listen. He listened - he just didn't like what he heard.
Will you please tell him this isn't the Stone Age anymore.
What's that supposed to mean?
The thing is, I was beginning to see a pattern. Whenever Karen said one thing...
Well - this is where I'm going. (Smiles.)
Dad said the other.
Not while I'm paying for it. (Frowns.)
And vice versa.
Fine. Then I won't go to college.
Oh, you're goin' alright. (Gestures.) And I'm sendin' you.
State has a lovely campus.
Ahem. Excuse me. (Smiles.)
Armed with my new-found observations about the nature of interpersonal communication, it was time to come to the rescue.
It seems to me that you two should -
Kevin...stay out of this.
OK. Glad I could be of help.
Wait a minute.
At least...as a visual aid.
(Jack grabs Kevin around the shoulder.)
Your brother's goin' to college, your other brother's goin' to college...and you're...(points)...goin' to college.
Thanks.
Hey - I didn't do -
Maybe I'll travel. See the world. Go to the college of life.
Huh - what do you know about life?
I know plenty about life. I'll go to Europe.
And who's gonna pay for that?
In a way, you almost had a feeling they didn't wanna be rescued.
You are so...narrow-minded.
Watch yourself young lady.
The funny thing is, the closer it got to Karen's birthday...the worse it got. For all of us.
(Cut to Kevin and Wayne in their room as Karen and Jack argue in the living room.)
Think it's safe to go out?
I wouldn't. Unless you want to clean out the downspouts.
Sound reasoning. It seemed like every time Dad and Karen passed each other in the hall...it meant -
(Knock on the door.)
Boys...
More slave labor.
Dad - I raked the leaves.
I straightened out the garage.
I walked the dog.
Oh.
There. We'd stumped him. Not a chore left unchored.
In that case - come on.
Uh-oh. This did not bode well. If Dad couldn't make us work...
(Cut to the golf course.)
He was gonna make us play.
OK...let's hit a few.
Golf. Talk about punishement. Now we were gonna find out just how bad the argument had been.
(Jack hits some balls.)
Yep - must have been a doozie.
Your turn, Kev. Let's see your stance.
(Kevin gets set.)
Ah, nah - not like that.
Still, maybe this wasn't all bad.
You gotta turn your grip over...
Maybe hanging out with the guys...imparting secret grips...was just the thing to bring Dad's blood-pressure down.
You got it?
I think so.
(Kevin hits a ball.)
Hey...there ya go!
I guess it was easier for Dad to communicate with the Arnold men because we were, well...men.
(They drive some more balls.)
Uh-huh. Nothin' like whackin' around the old Pro-flite to forge new and lasting bonds.
Maybe we oughta get you guys a starter set.
Oh, no thanks!
Sure!
A small price to pay for a little good cheer.
Matter of fact, maybe we'll come again. Maybe bring you mom, maybe your sis.
Karen? Space-girl playin' golf?
Hey...leave you sister alone. She's not so bad. She means well.
Well, well - "not so bad"? "Means well"? Why couldn't he tell her that?
Come on...let's hit another bucket.
(Cut to evening in the living room. Everyone is watching TV.)
Still, it was too bad Karen wasn't Arnold Palmer.
Pass me the popcorn, huh?
Sure, Dad.
Because I hadn't seen Dad this calm in over a week.
I like this show.
Me too.
Me too.
Yep - this was just like old times.
So, Mom? We gonna have a birthday cake for Karen?
A cake? I don't want a cakeBR> Sure you do.
No really, I don't. I-I don't want a party either.
Oh, honey, it's not exactly...
What are you talkin' about? Sure you do - you like parties.
No, really, Dad, I don't.
Fine. Then we won't have a party. (Frowns.)
Good.
We'll just give you your presents. (Frowns.)
I don't want presents, either. So nobody give me a present, OK?
Golf, anyone?
You're gonna get presents. (Frowns.)
Well, I'm not gonna take 'em! (Frowns.)
(A car horn sounds outside.)
Woops - homework calls...
(Wayne exits. Karen rises.)
I'm going out.
In that? (Frowns.)
My clothes are wrong? My friends are wrong?
OK - we were one step shy of Armageddon. This called for a voice of reason. A note of conciliation.
Will you guys knock it off? I'm tryin' to watch TV!
I'm outta here.
Honey?
And you don't have to bother to leave the light on. I'll manage just fine.
(Karen exits.)
Tomorrow?
(Jack and Kevin look at each other.)
Mow the lawn.
Gotcha...
Gotcha.
*
(Kevin and Wayne are in their room, as Jack and Karen finish arguing in the living room.)
Maybe it was time to deal with this thing.
(Kevin steps out and sees Jack sigh and sit on the couch.)
Oh!
Anything was better than spending the morning with Wayne and Miss May.
Dad?
Hmmm?
Besides, you could kinda see he wanted to talk.
(Kevin approaches.)
Dad, is there anything I can do?
(Jack frowns, and looks over his shoulder toward Kevin.)
I mean, I know you and Karen have been...I mean, I've just been thinking...if you ever wanted someone to talk to...I just want you to know that...I'm here.
(Jack looks off.)
It was a bold move. But I knew it was the right one. Heck - you could almost see his eyes...(he looks toward Kevin)...welling up with gratitude.
Kev?
Yeah, Dad? (Smiles.)
Is there any more dip in the refrigerator?
I'll see.
(Kevin walks past Jack toward the kitchen. Jack is looking at the TV guide.)
And grab the chips while you're at it,'kay?
Which, in culinary terms meant...none of your damn business, I guess.
(Kevin walks past the camera as Karen enters from the hallway.)
Well, I'm outta here.
Wait a minute. Where're you goin'?
I don't know.
What does that mean?
It means what it means - I'm going out.
You're gonna be home for dinner - we're expecting you. Your mother's makin' a cake.
Well, I already told her not to.
(Karen exits. Jack sighs.)
And suddenly, Dad was downright talkative.
Get your brother.
Aw, jeez. This was bad. You could see Dad had something in mind even worse than working. Even worse than golf.
We're going shopping. (Frowns.)
*
(At the department store, Kevin and Wayne meet up with Jack.)
So, Dad? What'd you get her? (Smiles.)
Hmmm?
(Jack looks at Kevin and hesitates.)
Nothin'.
Oh. (Frowns.)
(Cut to Jack and Norma's bedroom. Kevin is just inside the door as Jack hangs up his coat. Norma is sitting on the bed.)
Nothing?
Nope.
Well, we have plenty of things to give her. So don't worry.
I'm not.
But I was. Dad always bought Karen a present, every year - without fail.
(Jack walks toward the door and frowns.)
There's trash in the kitchen - take it out. (Gestures.) Wayne!
And suddenly I began to realize this was more serious than I'd thought.
*
(Jack, Kevin, Wayne and Norma are seated at the dining room table. Wayne wears a birthday hat.)
That night, dinner lasted about six-and-a-half months.
Can I get anybody some more potatoes?
No, thanks.
Sure!
While Mom tried to fill the empty space with vegetables and starch...the rest of us waited.
(Wayne blows a party favor at Kevin. Jack looks off and frowns.)
For the inevitable explosion.
(Norma is in the kitchen as Karen approaches past her.)
I'm back!
(Jack looks off and frowns as Karen sits down.)
But I can't stay.
(Jack slams his fork down and put his hands together.)
Not even for cake and ice cream, honey? (Smiles.)
Mom...I told you - I don't want a cake.
(Jack clears his throat.)
It's too late...I'm lighting the candles right now. Kevin, honey - get the lights.
(Kevin turns off the lights.)
Well, the stage was set. Bring on the fireworks.
(Wide shot of the table as Norma approaches with the cake.)
OK - here it comes. Everybody sing...
(Karen rests her head on her hand, looking upset.)
"Happy birthday to you"
(Jack has his arms crossed on the table, looking off silently.)
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Karen"
(Karen leans back as Norma sets the cake in front of her.)
"Happy birthday to you"
(Shot of the cake.)
There it was. Eighteen years of hopes and memories poured into eighty ounces of egg-whites and sugar and wax.
(Kevin smiles.)
It was enough to melt anybody's heart.
(Karen looks at the cake, uninterestedly.)
Except maybe my sister's.
(Sound of a car horn outside.)
There's my ride.
(Karen stands up.)
I gotta go.
And I guess that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
(Jack stands up.)
Not so fast - you're stayin' here.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are. (Nods slightly.)
I'm leaving, Daddy.
And even though I'd been hearing those words for weeks, suddenly I was hearing something new. Or maybe it was as old as children. And parents, and family.
You're not going until you open this.
(Jack reaches down, then puts a large present on the table.)
What is it?
Open it. (Frowns.)
(Karen opens the bag.)
It's my kit bag. From the Corps.
(Karen looks at it and sits down slowly.)
Uh, I was gonna get you a...you know...(nods)...a new one. But I thought you'd like this one better. It's, uh, for college.
(Karen and Jack look at each other cooly.)
Or if you go someplace. (Smiles slightly.) Either way, you gotta have somethin' to put your clothes in, and, uh...this one got me through a lot of rough times. (Nods.)
(Karen looks at the bag and smiles.)
I love it.
(She pulls out a pair of dog-tags.)
These too? (Smiles.)
Uh...those are mine.
(Jack holds out his hand. Karen puts the dog-tags in his hand. Jack holds her hand. Karen looks at Jack and smiles slightly.)
Thanks, Dad.
(Jack hesitates, then nods slightly.)
(Car horn sounds again. Karen rises slowly, and glances around tearfully.)
I've got to go.
Then go.
(Karen blows out the candles on her cake. She starts to walk into the kitchen.)
Hey, d'you make a wish?
Yeah.

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(Ep 46 - "Moving")

There was a time when the world was enormous...spanning the vast, almost infinite boundaries of...your neighborhood. The place where you grew up. Where you didn't think twice about playing on someone else's lawn. And the street was your territory...that occasionally got invaded by a passing car. It was where you didn't get called home until after it was dark. And all the people, and all the houses that surrounded you were as familiar as the things in your own room. And you knew they would never change.
(Arnold kitchen. Jack sets a hammer on the table and frowns.)
I oughta sell this dump.
Which is not to say that they couldn't transfer ownership.
What, honey?
There's dry-rot. In the basement. The whole foundation could be going.
(Jack frowns and shakes his head. He sits down, picks up the hammer, and sighs.)
After 17 years of cleaning out gutters, plugging leaks, and patching roofs...my father had developed a philosophical view about residential living.
I oughta sell this dump.
Not that we didn't take him seriously.
Have some coffee, Jack. (Smiles.)
Nope, the best thing to do when Dad was talking real estate...was...change the subject.
Dad? Can I have a raise in my allowance?
(Jack turns to Wayne and frowns.)
That was one way.
Hey, you know how the babes are when it's summer - "Take me here, give me this, give me that..."
Get a job.
What?
You heard me. You want money? Make it.
(Wayne gestures at Karen.)
Well how come she's not getting a job?
She's got other things to do. She's busy with her graduation.
Hhhhhh...
Nice play, Shakespeare.
Eat it, dork.
(Jack frowns.)
I oughta sell this dump.
Around our house it was an old refrain. We'd heard it a thousand times before. And it was nothing to worry about.

*
(Arnold Basement. Jack pokes at the joist.)
Damn! It's worse than I thought.
Are you sure, honey
The whole beam's turning to sawdust.
Maybe we should call someone in to look at it.
Are you kiddin'? You know how much those guys charge?
Uh-oh! Dry-rot in the cellar was one thing...dry-rot in Dad's wallet was quite another.
(Jack frowns.)
I'm tellin' you, Norma, we oughta get rid of this place.
And suddenly, this was sounding serious.
Cooper says the houses around here are goin' for three times what they used to.
Dad?
Seemed like it was time for a second opinion.
Maybe we should...get it fixed! It's a good house. It's our house. I like it.
There! Simple, eloquent, and...effective.
Cooper give you the name of that realtor?
Yeah, I think I have it somewhere.
Good.
(Jack exits.)
Mom?
Your father just wants to see what his options are, honey. It's nothing to worry about.
Sure! Obviously there was no need to panic.
(Norma smiles at Kevin, then looks uncertain as she turns toward the stairs.)
Now all I needed was someone to convince me of that.
*
(Arnold kitchen. Kevin has just teased Wayne about his new job.)
In fact, baiting my brother was about the only way that I could think of...to turn back the rising fear that -
(Jack quickly enters through the kitchen door.)
OK, I just talked to a guy who's comin' over to look at the house tomorrow. Probably take us for every penny we got.
Dad, are you serious?
You bet I am.
And there you had it. The death sentence. And worst of all, no one else...was even batting an eyelash.
Dad, you can't do this!
(Jack frowns.)
Huh?
I mean, you haven't even asked us what we think about it!
I gotta ask permission to get the dry-rot fixed?
Then you're not selling the house?
(Jack frowns.)
Course not!
There. I told you!
(Jack sits at the table.)
And suddenly the skies began to clear.
(Norma looks at a business card.)
Who is this, anyway, Jack?
Guy I met across the street.
Suddenly my fears had disappeared. The world was great. We were staying!
He's gonna be working on Cooper's house after they move out.
Huh?
(Norma glances from Kevin to Jack.)
Jack...
Uh...Sorry...
The Cooper's thought it was best if Winnie told you. They're not moving far, honey. Just a few miles.
Oh.
You know what the best part is? The Coopster's going to a different school next year...(gestures)...Across town. Looks like bye-bye, butthead.
Wayne!

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(Ep 47 - "Growing Up")

Yep, these were golden moments - in a golden summer. When every day was perfect, and you knew it would go on forever.
(Jack is in the driveway as Wayne's car squeals to a stop 6 inches from Jack's car.)
Dammit, Wayne! The hell ya think you're doin'?
(Wayne stands up in his car, which emits a loud backfire.)
Driving?
Driving where?! The graveyard?!
At the Arnold house, the dog days had set in early.
The way you're drivin' makes me nuts!
(Cut to Jack entering the kitchen.)
Honey?
I don't want to talk about it...
Hey,Dad?
I don't want to hear about it...
*
(Later at dinner. Karen closes her catalog.)
Well, I've finished choosing my courses for the fall semester.
That's great, honey! What are you taking?
Afro-American History, Hindu Philosophy, Navajo Arts, Sexual Politics...
(Jack pauses in mid-fork and frowns.)
And English 101. (Smiles.)
Huh?
Jack.
I'm not payin' for that.
You already did, Dad. (Smiles.)
*
(Later, everyone is watching TV, and arguing about it.)
Monday's Labor Day. We should go to your office picnic.
Huh?
We haven't been in such a long time. We used to have such a good time there...Remember? (Smiles.)
Mom! I'm leaving for college on Tuesday.
Uh, yeah, I have a date.
(Jack nudges Wayne.)
Uh...me too.
There. Four to one - clearly a landslide decision.
I think we'll go.
(Cut to in the car.)
So much for democracy.
(Wayne is driving his car erratically behind Jack.)
What's that idiot doin' now?
You know, honey, I am really looking forward to this. It's been years since I've seen the old gang.
Like who?
Oh, like...Charlie Wilson, from accounting. Is he gonna be there?
Retired.
What about Al Pinella...he had that lovely wife, Nancy.
Sacked.
Ed Berwitz?
Dead.
And that about covered the full range of possibilities.
Detweiler'll be there, though.
Harry Detweiler? (Smiles.)
Harry Detweiler - the office clown. Big on palm-buzzers and whoopie-cushions. The one Dad had always referred to as -
Mr. Deadwood, huh, Dad? (smiles.)
(Jack chuckles.)
Kevin, that's not very nice.
Does he still have that stupid laugh?
Kinda..
And suddenly, for the first time in weeks, Dad was smiling.
You remember that Christmas party when he came dressed as a reindeer?
Oh...(chuckles)...his nose lit up!
Yeah, and then it caught on fire?
(Everyone laughs.)
And we were laughing.
(They pull up at the picnic parking lot.)
And by the time we arrived at the picnic, things had changed! And if my mom thought it was a way to bring us together, well...
(Wayne runs into Jack's car.)
Are you crazy!
It was the very least we could do.
Look at that. Look what you did to that car!
(Clips of past company picnics.)
There's nothin' quite as American as an office picnic. Mountains of hotdogs, buckets of soft-drinks, a chance for kids to hang out with the big guys. It makes you proud to have a family - proud to have a dad. It makes you never want to leave.
(Fade to everyone at a picnic table. Flies are buzzing around.)
Can we go home now?
Honey - you haven't really given it a chance.
Well it's crowded, it's noisy...I hate it.
Well...seeya later, suckers.
Where're you goin'?
For a drive.
Hnnn...(Frowns.)
Uh...for a walk?
(Wayne taps Angela, who is stuffing food in her face.)
Come on.
Uh-uh-uh.
Yeah, come on.
Somehow Mom's plan to reunite the Arnold clan wasn't exactly comin' off in a blaze of family harmony.
Hey, Arnold? You gonna play in the softball game this afternoon?
Oh, yeah! Come on, Dad - lets's play?
(Jack waves to his buddy.)
OK!
This'll be great! Maybe we'll even be on the same team.
I could see us now, side-by-side on the infield...Tinker to Arnold to -
What are you talkin' about? You'd get killed out there.
Yeah, but Dad -
Maybe next time, huh? (Exits.)
*
(Kevin has learned Jack was passed over for a promotion. Now he pulls a can of beer from a bucket of ice.)
There are times in a man's life when there's only one cure for pain and humiliation - drown your sorrows in a cold one.
(A man approaches and takes it.)
Thanks, kid!
This, however, was...not one of those times.
(Kevin gets another beer, as Wayne approaches.)
Out of my way, butthead.
(Wayne walks back to Angela, who is talking to a guy.)
Excuse me. Excuse me.
I felt rattled - confused. Suddenly I was seeing things in a new light.
(Jack sees Kevin with a beer.)
A lot of things. Here he came. Maybe he wanted to talk - about Detweiler...the promotion. I know I did.
Dad?
What the hell you doin' with that?
(Jack takes the beer and turns to his friends.)
Hey! Guys! My kid the beer-drinker.
(Jack and his friends chuckle.)
You stick to ginger ale, OK?
(Jack walks back toward his friends.)
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?! Well take this!
Hey!
(Jack turns.)
I'm playin' in that softball game, and you're not gonna stop me!
(Cut to the softball game. The pitcher blows one past Kevin.)
Stee-rike!
OK - so I was a little over-matched here. I didn't care.
You alright, sonny?
Yeah. Sure - fine.
So that pitcher was the size of Utah - I was ready for anything.
Time!
(Jack walks toward the pitcher.)
Time!
Well, almost anything.
Lemme pitch to 'em, hah? Thanks.
(Jack lobs a pitch.)
Stee-rike two!
I don't know - maybe he had his reasons. Maybe he thought he was doing me a favor.
One more, Jack! Throw one more!
Or maybe he was just trying to look good for his cronies.
(Mr. Detweiller is in the stands, laughing.)
You call this a game? Come on...
It was humiliating. And suddenly, I'd had enough - of picnics, of guys who called you sonny.
(Jack lobs another one. Kevin catches it.)
Hey! What's the matter - you can't do any better than that?
(Kevin throws the ball back. Jack catches it and frowns.)
What's the matter - can't you throw a decent fast-ball?
(Jack's team-mates chuckle and hoot.)
What's the matter - 'fraid I'll knock it outta the park?
(More hoots from Jack's team-mates as Jack frowns and sighs.)
I was on a roll.
Hey, Jack! The kid's right!(Laughs.)
And then I rolled a tad too far.
Come on, Dad. Throw me something besides...dead wood.
(Sound of a steam-whistle. Jack frowns and groans.)
Uh-oh.
(Jack pitches, Kevin hits it.)
I didn't even look where I hit it - just put my head down and ran. I rounded first, flew by second, and kept going. By the time I'd reached third, though, I was beginning to wonder - who was minding the store, here?
(Kevin sees Jack flat on his back, surrounded by Norma and team-mates. Jack sits up, holding his head. Norma is frowning and looking at Kevin.)
There was only one thing to do. I crossed home plate. And kept going.
(Kevin runs off down the first-base line. Fade to evening. Kevin takes a walk, and ends up finding Wayne alone. They talk.)
Why do these things always happen to me?
Maybe it was the cry of every kid who'd ever put on long pants. Who'd ever had his heart-broken - who'd ever been disappointed. In any event...
I know what you mean. (Smiles.)
(Wayne frowns at Kevin, then smiles.)
For that one moment, I actually felt...close...to my brother.
(Jack approaches, accompanied by thunder and lightning.)
I'm outta here! (Exits.)
It's funny - those thoughts that go through your head, moments before death. I remembered Winnie. I wondered - who was gonna feed my fish?
Hi, Dad!
As it turned out though, Dad hadn't come to kill me.
Guess you heard about Detweiler.
Uh...
Sorry.
And then I realized - I guess Dad wore long pants too.
It's OK, Dad.
(Jack touches his bandaged forehead.)
Was a lucky shot, back there.
Shoulda ducked.
Yeah...
(Jack sits, puts his chin on his fists, and sighs.)
Don't ever get old, Kev.
I wasn't sure if he meant me, or him. I guess we both knew it didn't really matter. We didn't have a choice.
*
(At home, Jack is closing the trunk of the car, containing Karen's things. Karen, Wayne and Kevin are standing around.)
Ready?
I think so.
(Karen hugs Kevin.)
Bye, Karen.
Bye, Kev.
I'll miss you.
(Karen hugs Wayne. Jack watches, and smiles. Norma comes out, carrying Karen's empty duffle-bag, as Karen is walking toward the car.)
Karen? Honey?
Thanks.
(Karen and Norma hug.)
I love you, Mom.
OK. Come on.
(Jack and Karen drive off waving, as the others watch and wave from the street.)

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(Ep 50 - "The Cost of Living")

(A small one-dollar bill is shown on the TV screen.)
(On TV):...suggests the U. S. economy is an ocean of prosperity, there still exist...islands of stagnation...where growth...is at a virtual standstill.
(Jack sits at the dining room table, opening bills.)
Forty bucks? (Frowns). Unbelievable.
Every Sunday night, once the dishes were cleared...my father would referee a battle between his income, and his outgo.
Sixteen-thirty-four for the damn phone company?!
And from the looks of it...the outgo packed some pretty fair punches.
Who the hell's been leaving the lights on?!
Spectators who knew the circuit laid low.
Highway robbery...
By the time the final blow had landed, that old income would be reduced to such a measly balance...that in our house we had a word for that negligible chunk of change.
(Jack reaches for his wallet, pulls it out and slaps it down. He looks forward and sighs.)
Allowance!
There's the word.
(Close shot of the wallet in Jack's hands. Sound effects as he opens it.)
"Allowance".
(Jack slides out a bill and holds it out.)
One...
The lifeblood of adolescence.
Two...
(Wayne gestures with his finger.)
Three...
The fine line between expectation...
Four.
And reality.
Four bucks? (Frowns.) Again?
Not to imply that we weren't grateful for Dad's largesse. We just...weren't.
Come on, Dad, give me a break, here. I gotta live, ya know, eh - gas, girls...(Gestures.)
(Jack rolls his eyes upward.)
But when it came to taking pity on our financial lifestyles...Dad was impervious.
Ya know what the problem with you boys is? (Frowns.)
Uh-oh.
(The camera moves in close on Jack. Sound of a snapping bull-whip.)
You don't understand the value of a dollar. When I was you're age...(nods)...I had to walk to school! Thirty miles! Blizzards! Outdoor plumbing!
Under a barrage of this magnitude...resistance was futile.
Four beans? I can't believe this. (Exits.)
Kev?
Still, no sense looking a gift horse in the mouth. Especially one the size of my father.
Here, Dad.
(Kevin smiles and holds out his hand.)
One...Two...
(Shot of the wallet in Jack's hands. He lets it clam up, accompanied by the sound of a bank vault door squeaking. He turns it over, and flips it shut, accompanied by the sound of a slamming vault door.)
No gettin' around it...
Thanks, Dad! (Smiles.)
(Jack sighs.)
The buck stopped here.
*
(After work, Jack enters carrying his briefcase.)
Dad and I had business to conduct. Right now.
(Jack slams his briefcase on the table.)
Or, maybe it can wait.
Hi, honey. Why so late?
Ken Stein. (Frowns.) New fool in management. He's bustin' my hump, Norma.
Aw, Jack...(Frowns.)
He's workin' me like a dog. (Frowns.) What does he think I am - his own personal lackey?! (Frowns.)
But hold on! Maybe this wasn't gonna be so hard.
Dad?
Maybe Dad and I were thinking along the same lines, here. Maybe he'd be sympathetic to the plight of the down-trodden.
It-it's about my allowance. You know...I was thinking...I'm in ninth-grade, now...and, uh, well...
OK...Time for a clincher. Something telling...something tactful.
Paul's father gives him five dollars a week.
(Jack looks at Kevin. Sound of penalty buzzer.)
Uh-oh! I'd just broken the cardinal rule of child-parent negotiations. Never compare them to their peers.
You want a raise in your allowance? Fine.
Huh? (Smiles.)
But you're gonna have to do some more chores.
Chores?
Chores? I can do chores. (Smiles.)
I work hard for my paycheck. You can work hard for yours.
Hard work? No problem!
(Cut to Kevin doing a lot of various chores in the yard.)
Nope - hard work never hurt anybody. Hard work - good for the body. Good for the soul. It's what this country was founded on. But beyond all the blood, sweat, and back-breaking labor...
(Jack approaches and looks at the rain-gutters Kevin just cleaned.)
There was a sense of satisfaction...
Let's see...
Accomplishment.
One...Two...
(Jack puts his wallet in his pocket and glances up.)
Impending wealth.
(Jack drops some coins in Kevin's hand.)
Three.
(Jack walks past Kevin and pats his shoulder.)
Chints.
I can't believe it!
*
Dad? Can I be a caddy?
Huh?
Well, see...there's this guy at school who -
What do you know about golf?
Seemed to me, he was missing the point, here.
Well, uh...(gestures)...maybe I-I could learn.
Caddy? (Laughs.) A wuss like you?
Shut up, Wayne.
Honey? (Frowns.) Don't caddies have to carry around all those heavy bags? (Shrugs.)
Seemed like everyone was missing the point.
Look, Mark Kovinsky makes twenty buck a round, OK?! (Nods.)
There - 'nuff said! The old bottom-line. Try sayin' no to that!
I don't think so...(Frowns.)
(The phone rings.)
What?!
(On the phone): Hello?
I couldn't believe it!
Jack? It's Ken.
I had a plan for total lifetime solvency...
(Jack frowns at Kevin, then takes the phone.)
And he turns me down?
(On the phone): Yeah, Ken?
(Jack looks down and rubs his forehead.)
(On the phone): No, no, don't worry about it - that's what I'm here for......Whatever you say, ken......Yeah, yeah. Bye.
(Jack hands the phone to Norma. Jack frowns and throws down his napkin.)
Damn!
And that's when it hit me - Kovinsky was right. I had two choices. Be like my dad, or...
(Cut to the golf course. Kevin walks toward the caddy boss' window, and puts his hands on the counter.)
Be my own man.
Where do I sign up?
(The caddy boss sets a form on the counter. Kevin looks up and smiles.)
A man of wealth. A caddy.
(Kevin starts to fill out the form. Fade to the kitchen. Jack is talking on the phone.)
Behold - the working man.
(On the phone): Whatever you say, Ken.
(Kevin is sitting at the dining room table, tying his shoes.)
Behold - the future millionaire.
(On the phone): Saturday...You sure we need to work on...(sighs)...OK, fine.....Where?
By the next weekend, this much was obvious. My Dad and I were headed in opposite directions.
(On the phone): Fine! Yeah. Bye.
(Jack hangs up the phone.)
Wish me luck, Dad? (Smiles.)
Not that I didn't want his blessings.
Don't fall in the lake.
*
(At the golf course, Kevin is assigned to caddy for Ken Stein. Ken turns and walks off. Kevin follows.)
"Ken". It was a good name...A golfer's name. The name...
(Kevin looks up and pauses. Jack is swinging a club with his back to them.)
Son? We're gonna have a little working session. You don't mind a little shop-talk, do you?
Of my father's boss.
Jack - come over here and meet young Kevin!
(Jack turns around and approaches. He frowns slightly as he holds out his hand.)
Kevin...
It was a critical juncture.
Jack... (Smiles.)
(Jack glares at him.)
But we handled it well.
(They shake hands.)
Like total strangers. Live, and let live.
(Jack pauses, and frowns.)
Isn't he a little small to be a caddy?
Make that - every man for himself.
Hey! (Frowns.)
(Kevin picks up the golf bag.)
I carry my weight.
That's the spirit I like to see...(Smiles.) Arnold? You want to do the honors?
(Jack glares at Kevin, then walks toward the tee.)
So, the prelims were over. We were on our way. Me, headin' for easy street...and Dad...
(Jack swings. The ball bounces off a tree trunk and into some weeds.)
Heading for the rough.
(Jack bangs the ground with his club.)
Tough way to start, Arnold. You wouldn't mind if I kept score, would you? (Gestures.)
Whatever you say, Ken.
Let's play golf!
(Jack stands in the rough and swings, then bangs his club on the ground.)
Over the first few holes...it became apparent this wasn't my father's day. I, on the other hand, was basking in the sunlight of future riches.
(Ken swings. The ball lands on the green near the hole.)
Nice shot, sir!
Ken...
(He hands Kevin the club.)
Call me Ken.
Ken. (Smiles.)
Yep! Twenty bucks a loop, four loops a week...
(Ken putts.)
Carry the four...easy money.
(Kevin pulls the pin out as the ball rolls past the hole. Ken drops his club in frustration.)
Dag nab it!
For a guy who knew how to smooth out the rough spots.
You know, they don't clip these greens very well.
You're darn right. (Nods.)
Face it. When it came to dealing with employee-management problems, I had a certain...flair.
(Ken swings and makes the putt.)
Ah, nice...
I believe that puts us two ahead, Ken. (Smiles.)
You know, I got my start as a caddy.
Really? (Smiles.)
Yep. I felt kind of a kinship to this guy. He reminded me of...me - a real winner.
(Jack puts one in the water.)
Damn!
(Jack bangs his club on the ground.)
In contrast to my previous role model.
(Fade to the fairway. Ken leads Kevin and Jack, looking at the scorecard.)
In fact, by the time we reached the half-way point...I was almost feeling sorry for the old man.
I figure you about seven strokes off the pace, Arnold. Tell ya what - maybe I oughta play left-handed a few holes?
Whatever you say, Ken.
(Ken chuckles, and turns, holding up his hands.)
Ah, tell ya what...what say I buy us all some sodas, huh?
I'm alright.
You?
Sure!
That's the spirit.
(Ken slaps Kevin on the shoulder and walks off. Jack and Kevin drop their bags and sit on a bench.)
A-ha. Spirit, I had. Plus a shoulder that was killing me.
How ya holding up?
What?
It's a big bag - must be heavy.
Well-well...
You don't have to kill yourself, ya know...he can finish with another caddy.
Another caddy?! So that was his game.
Hey, you don't have to worry about me, alright?!
(Jack looks at him, raises his eye-brows, throws up his hands, and looks down.)
Suit yourself...
And I would. I didn't need his help!
(Ken approaches in the background, holding two cups.)
Here we go...
I had...upper-management.
Say, Jack...I've been thinking...
And then...upper-management made one little mistake.
Maybe it's your clubs. They're too old...Cheap, ya know?
(Jack growls and looks at Ken.)
If you put a little money in your bag...(gestures)...you might...give us more of a match, huh? (Smiles.)
And suddenly, all bets were off.
Well...
(Jack sighs and stands up, then swings his bag onto his shoulder.)
Let's just see what these old clubs can do...
(Jack plays better, and Ken plays worse.)
And as Dad's game turned into gold...
(Jack walks off, whistling.)
Mr. Stein turned into...
(Ken forcefully slides his club into the bag.)
Mr. Hyde.
Hell!
Ah...(shrugs)...it-it was a-a difficult shot. (Frowns.)
Look - when I want your advice...(gestures)...I'll ask for it. Just...keep the clubs clean...(gestures)...will ya?
OK...
(Kevin picks up the bag and follows Ken.)
The funny thing is...the smaller my tip began to look, the heavier that bag got. By the eighteenth fairway, I'd learned something interesting. The Whispering Grass back nine measures exactly four-thousand miles...tee to green.
(Ken whips his hat off and frowns.)
Caddy! Let's hustle it up, huh?! (Frowns.)
But I wasn't giving up. I was gonna make that easy money or die trying. Which ever came first.
(Ken's ball is in the sand-trap.)
Tough lie, Ken.
Still, there was no reason to panic. It was the last hole. And Dad was three strokes behind.
(Ken swings and muffs the shot.)
Make that - two.
(Ken muffs the shot again.)
Make that one.
(Ken swings again.)
And then...
(The ball bounces and heads for the hole.)
It happened.
(The ball curves around the lip of the cup, and away.)
Damn it all! (Frowns.)
(Ken throws his club up and it lands in the lake.)
But it was more than just a fifty-one-dollar, copper-faced, Billy Casper All-Pro sand-wedge that disappeared into that lake.
(Ken has his hands on his hips, frowning at Kevin.)
Get it!
It was my dignity.
Pardon? (Shrugs.)
You heard me! Bring...it...to me.
(Kevin glances down, then at Jack. Jack looks at Kevin, then turns his back.)
And suddenly, I felt very alone.
Well, son?
It was up to me. I didn't have to go fetch. I coulda told this guy what I thought of him...right there, right then.
I...
But for some reason...at that moment...I heard myself utter four words I'd heard somewhere before.
Whatever you say, Ken.
(Jack turns slightly. Kevin drops the bag and tentatively wades into the lake.)
And so...after eighteen holes spent counting future riches...it all came down to this.
(Jack is getting ready to putt.)
You sink this one, and you beat me, Arnold.
Here I was, up to my knees in mud...while my work-a-day Dad...
(Jack glances at Kevin, then down again.)
Was about to carry off the prize.
(Jack practice swings, and glances at Kevin again.)
It was the easiest putt...
(Jack swings.)
He'd had all day.
(The ball rolls past the cup, and Ken shakes his head.)
And he missed it by a good three feet.
(Jack looks at Kevin, then walks toward his ball.)
But that wasn't all.
(Jack looks at Ken, then Kevin. He looks back to Ken and smiles, then looks down, and swings. The ball rolls past the cup. Ken as he sighs and shakes his head. Jack smiles and walks forward, shaking his head.)
He missed the next one, too.
It's been a long, long day...
(Jack and Ken shake hands and walks toward their bags.)
Sure.
And somehow, all of a sudden...I understood why.
(Fade to outside the clubhouse. Kevin is sitting on a bench, looking at a $20-bill.)
Ready?
Uh...yeah, ready...
(Jack nods directionally, and starts to walk off. Kevin joins him.)
That day...I began to realize something about this man that I was trying so hard not to be like.
How ya holdin' up?
Well, I'm a little tired.
Umm-hmmm...
He understood the value of money. And the cost of it.
Hey - it's too bad about that putt.
A putt's a putt.
Coulda made it, Dad! (Smiles.)
Maybe. (Shrugs.)
I guess Dad knew he could lose a game, and still not lose his manhood. His pride didn't hinge on a stupid shot. Or some shiny new clubs.
(They pass the menu board of a restaurant.)
And I suddenly knew exactly what I wanted to use my money for.
(Kevin looks toward the restaurant and pauses. Jack walks past him.)
Dad!
(Jack turns around. Kevin hesitates, looks at his money, then toward Jack.)
Can I buy you lunch? (Frowns.)
(Jack smiles slightly, then frowns, tilts his head, and nods once.)
Whatever you say, Kev. (Smiles.)
(Jack puts his arm around Kevin as they walk toward the restaurant.)
(Fade to Kevin and Jack sitting at a table, talking as the waiter approaches Jack with the bill. Jack points and pushes the bill toward Kevin. The waiter moves off as Jack gestures and says something to him.)
It was the first time I ever really said thank you to the man...for all he'd given me.
(They continue to talk. Jack gestures, then demonstrates a grip on a club.)

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(Ep 53 - "The Ties That Bind")

(Jack is standing next to the kitchen table, looking at a bill in one hand and holding a short glass in his other hand.)
Damn!
(He takes a drink.)
What is it, Jack?
I thought we paid this bill last month. (Frowns.)
That was the orthodontist. This is the dentist.
(Jack looks at another bill.)
Property tax? Already? (Frowns.)
Corn or carrots, honey?
Whatever.
By nineteen-seventy...
(Jack looks at another bill, then frowns and slumps.)
My parents had elevated "providing" into something close to an art-form.
Guess we dip into the Christmas club again. (Frowns.)
Dad was the maestro of payment plans. Mom was a virtuoso with vegetables.
Broccoli.
You had to hand it to 'em...they were good at what they did. Of course, it was all for a good reason.
Hey!
Their three beautiful children.
(Wayne holds up an empty plate and gestures.)
Are we going to eat here, or what?
With all the rights and privileges therof. Not that we took the folks for granted. It's just...
(Jack sits down at the table.)
With Thanksgiving coming...we had certain...needs.
Daddy? When I go back from break...(nods)...I-I'm gonna need money for a few things. OK?
Like what?
Some books...(nods)...some art supplies...(nods). A yoga mat.
A yoga...mat?
What the hell d'ya need a yoga mat for?
Yoga. (Smiles.)
And no matter how ridiculous those needs were...we knew somehow...they'd come through for us.
We'll work it out, honey!
Thanks!
(Jack sighs and rolls his eyes upward. Wayne and Kevin turn toward Jack and speak simultaneously.)
I need a new stereo.
I need a new baseball glove.
Hnnnn. (Frowns.)
*
(Another day. A repairman has inspected the stove.)
I'll tell ya, Norma...I probably shouldn't be sayin' this...what with you bein' such a good customer an' all, but...well, let me put it this way...she's old, she's tired...it's time to buy a new one.
(Jack is coming in the kitchen door.)
What do ya mean, "buy a new one"?
Uh...hi, Jack.
Why can't ya just fix the old one? (Frowns.)
Well, your thermostat's shot, your top burner's not juicin' out like she oughtta, and...ya got one mean short-circuit in your wirin'.
(Jack takes the item and looks at it, frowning.)
There it was. The considered opinion of a professional. Dad had no choice but to take action.
I'll get my toolbox.
Honey? I don't think your toolbox is gonna help this time. I think we need to buy a new stove.
She's right, Jack. As much as I hate to say it.
Poor Mom. All she really wanted was a working stove so that she could take care of her family. And poor Dad. All he wanted was to provide Mom with a working stove so that she could take care of her family.
(Jack sighs and sags. Cut to dinner as Norma sets a plate of sandwiches on the table.)
Olive loaf?
And poor us. All we wanted was something besides cold-cuts for dinner. Seemed like it was time to explore the alternatives.
Jack...I was checking the paper today, and...Montgomery Wards is having a sale on appliances.
How much would a new stove set us back?
Only about two-hundred and fity dollars.
(Jack sighs slightly.)
Don't say "only"...
(Jack raises his eyebrows and smiles.)
And "two-hundred and fifty dollars" in the same breath, Norma. (Nods.)
Gee. How do they get the little ugly green olives in there?
And, that about covered the alternatives. All but one.
Maybe I should talk to management tomorrow. Ask for a raise.
It was a bold and unexpected decision.
The company owes me, Norma. (Nods.) It's been too long.
Good idea, Dad. (Smiles.)
You certainly deserve one, honey.
(Cut to morning as Jack carries his briefcase and straightens his tie as he walks toward the front door.)
After all, Dad was the great provider.
Whoa! Check it out! (Smiles.)
Fully supported by his providees.
Wow. Dad, you look great! (Smiles.)
What happened? Somebody kick the bucket, heh-heh?
(Norma approaches from the hallway.)
Jack?
Oh, hunh.
Oh, Jack, are you sure you want to wear that tie? (Points.)
What's wrong with this tie?
Jack...
It worked for me once. Maybe it'll do it again. (Smiles.) Wish me luck?
It was nice seeing my parents like this.
Good luck, honey.
(They walk toward the front door.)
Doin' what they had to do. For the family.
Bye, bye!
I guess we were all kinda caught up in the moment.
(Kevin smiles and sighs and puts his hands on Wayne and Karen's shoulders.)
Hands off, scrote.
OK, so you'll just have to take my word for it.
(Cut to afternoon as Kevin approaches the driveway. Jack's car honks as it approaches.)
That afternoon, I got home a little faster than usual. And so did Dad. Which could only mean the news wasn't good.
(Jack gets out.)
So, Dad - how'd it go?
Rough.
(He leans into the open car.)
Well...maybe next time. (Smiles.)
(Jack straightens up.)
Maybe.
(Jack reaches in the car, then holds up a bouquet of gold flowers.)
And maybe not. (Smiles.)
(He closes the car door. Cut to the kitchen as Kevin and Jack enter. Jack holds the flowers behind him as he faces Norma and clears his throat.)
You got the raise!
Not just a raise. (Smiles.) You're looking at the new regional manager of product support services. (Nods.)
Not that we had a clue as to what that meant.
Right on, Dad!
(The kids hug Jack as Norma takes off her rubber gloves.)
But it had an impressive ring to it.
Pretty good, huh?
Regional manager?
Uh-huh, regional manager. Course, um...
(Jack holds up the flowers and approaches Norma.)
That means some new responsibilities.
Well, you can handle it.
(Jack looks at Norma a little uncertainly.)
I'll, uh...
(Jack hands the flowers to Norma and steps past her.)
Have to go on the road, some. Move around from plant to plant...trouble-shoot in the field...you know, that sort of thing. (Smiles.)
Does that mean you have to travel, a lot? (Frowns.)
Well, some...(shrugs)...maybe just at first.
(Jack looks at Norma.)
I gotta fly to Pittsburgh, tonight.
So soon?
Well, they said we need somebody out there right away. (Shrugs.)
Oh...
But, it'll...(nods)...just be until next Wednesday.
And suddenly we were getting a pretty fair idea of what a regional manager did.
But hey, it's for the best, right? (Smiles.)
Of course, honey.
And maybe it was. Mom looked happy.
Hefty raise, Dad? (Smiles.)
Not too shabby...
(Jack begins to playfully slap and box at Wayne, who responds.)
And Dad finally had...
(Jack slaps Kevin playfully.)
Oh!
The recognition he deserved.
(Jack pulls Karen in front of himself.)
Protect you father...
Oh, get out of the way.
Oh, right...
(Fade to Jack and Norma's bedroom. Wayne, Karen and Kevin are at the door jamb looking in as Jack and Norma pack a suitcase.)
That night we watched as Mom and Dad shared a tender moment of farewell.
Where the hell's that damn cab?
Calm down, honey - it'll be here.
(Norma closes the suitcase. Jack points at it.)
You didn't pack my handkerchiefs?
Oh, they're in the carry-on.
Oh.
(Sound of a car horn. Jack picks up a carry-on bag and the horn honks again. Jack and Norma look at each other.)
Ah...it's about time.
(Jack drapes an overcoat over his arm. Jack and Norma pause at the foot of the bed.)
OK - that's it, huh?
It was strange. Everything was happening so fast. For all of us.
Oh, uh...where's my tickets?
Oh, they're in your breast pocket. (Points.)
So, uh...that's it, then, huh?
(The horn honks again. Jack approaches the kids.)
OK, you kids...you better take care of your mother now, huh?
Goodbye, Dad.
Go get 'em, Dad.
(Jack turns to Norma.)
Oh, yeah...why don't you go ahead and buy that new stove. (Smiles.)
(Jack looks at Kevin.)
Take care huh? (Exits.)
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Dad.
Bye.
(Cut to the driveway as Jack hurries toward the waiting taxi, followed by Norma. Kevin watches from the living room window.)
It was a romantic as some old movie on the late show.
(Jack quickly kisses Norma then gets in the taxi.)
Well, as romantic as my parents got, anyway. But then...I guess he was in a hurry.
*
Thanksgiving night of nineteen-seventy, my father came home to his family. The family he cared for.
Hi! (Waves.)
The family he provided for. But he came home to someone else, too. He came home to the girl he loved.
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
(They hug and kiss tenderly.)
Maybe sometimes the simple things in life get forgotten. The things parents need. The things children need, too. But that night, Mom and Dad - Jack and Norma...promised to remember.

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(Ep 58 - "Denial")

That night I didn't feel much like going home. Facing the inevitable questions. It was only nine-thirty, so I thought maybe I'd hang out in the garage for awhile. Maybe spend the night there.
(Kevin looks through the window into the garage and sees Jack fixing the lawnmower.)
Unfortunately, someone else was already hanging out in the garage.
Dad?
Hey...
What are you doing?
(Jack is inspecting the sparkplug.)
I'm trying to get this damn mower repaired.
(Kevin walks across garage toward mower, as Jack rises walks to the workbench in the background. Jack is facing away, and holds the sparkplug up to the light, then wipes it off.)
Need any help?
Nah.
(Jack notices Kevin is not happy.)
Uh...how are things going?
(Jack walks back to the lawnmower and kneels down.)
Unh, OK.
With, uh...Winnie I mean.
Well...things are pretty much over with us you know.
(Jack stops working and sighs in thought. He looks up at Kevin.)
I guess it must hurt a lot, doesn't it?
I guess so.
(Jack looks at Kevin, smiles a little in compassion, then looks off.)
Wish I could say it gets easier.
(He looks at Kevin, then the mower. Kevin turns toward Jack.)
Can we go inside?
(Jack looks at Kevin, then rises and smiles.)
But I knew I wasn't going to make it inside.
(Kevin turns toward Jack and hugs him, and Jack puts his arms around Kevin. Kevin presses his face against Jack and is on the verge of tears.)
(Jack sighs and pats Kevin.)
You just hang in there now.
(Jack looks down at Kevin and smiles.)


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(Ep 59 - "Who's Aunt Rose?")

(At dinner.)
I grew up in a neighborhood that was a lot like other neighborhoods. Where the boxes we lived in were distinguished only by the names on the mailboxes...and the cars in the driveways. It was a place where hard-working Americans circled their wagons to protect themselves from the outside world.
Wayne, don't forget the trash - tomorrow's Tuesday.
Hey, it's Kevin's turn. (Frowns.)
No, it's not!
Just...do it.
Our lives were made up of little moments...
More scalloped potatoes, honey?
All delicately intertwined.
Oh, thanks Mom.
Karen called today.
(Jack looks toward the center of the table.)
How much?
Just...thirty-five dollars till the end of the month. (Frowns.)
(TV): The Nixon administration said today...
Send her a check. (Shrugs.)
(Wayne takes Kevin's roll.)
Hey, that's mine! (Frowns.)
Not anymore, angelface.
(Wayne holds up the roll, then pulls it back as Kevin reaches for it.)
Wayne...give your brother the roll.
Maybe we weren't aware of it then, amid the school paper-drives and the scalloped potatoes and the sounds of the neighbor's children playing...but life was rich there...in our small sanctuary. And precious.
(The phone rings. Norma rises and walks to the phone.)
And the only thing that could ever change that...
(On the phone): Hello?
Was death.
Jack? It's your father.
*
(Albert has just arrived.)
So, uh, how long you stayin' for, Gramps?
Well...we'll see - we'll see.
Somehow, he just filled the house with life.
He's going to a funeral.
Who-who died?
Oh. You didn't tell 'em, John...
Uh, no, Dad...I thought you'd probably want to.
Jack?! (Frowns.)
Well...I guess you oughtta know. (Nods.) Aunt Rose passed away yesterday morning.
*
(Albert is showing a photo album to Kevin and Wayne.)
You know, she was...eighty-two years old when she died. Can you boys even imagine that?
Course, when you're fourteen, eighty-two isn't much different from forty-two, or even a hundred-and-two. Still, if Gramps needed a friendly ear...
(Jack knocks on the door.)
He could always count on us.
Come on, Dad. The boys should get some sleep.
Yeah. You're right, John. I guess I've been bending you boys' ear too much, eh? (Smiles.)
Nah...it was fun, Grandpa. (Smiles.)
It was a lie - but a good lie. After all, the guy was goin' to a funeral. The least we could do was give him a pleasant send-off.
Oh! And set your alarm-clocks! We gotta leave by eight o'clock!
(Albert turns and walks away down the hall, as Jack looks at the boys.)
Hold on, here. Did he say...?
Did he say "we"?
(Cut to later in the kitchen.)
It was obvious somebody had to clear this up. We chose the big guy.
Uh, Dad - about those alarm-clocks...
I meant to tell ya - I've forgotten mine. (Gestures.) You'll have to get us up. And we can go in my car.
Uh, well...you know, Dad...we weren't really planning on going to the funeral.
Not goin'? Of course we're goin'.
I-I have to fly to Seattle Thursday morning, and...(Frowns.)
The funeral's tomorrow, John. You got plenty of time. Norma, where are the glasses?
Oh, here. (Smiles.) Let me...
Now of course what was needed here was simple clearing of the air. A collective statement of intention.
This just isn't a good time for me, Dad.
Funerals are never a good time, John. Besides...I think the boys should go.
Great. Now he was draggin' us into this.
Uh, well...(frowns)...the boys have school...
Then write a note. (Frowns.) I think "death in the family" is an acceptable excuse. (Nods.)
Dad, it -
What is the matter with you, son?! Rose was family. (Nods.) Our family. Doesn't it mean anything to you?
But the thing is...it really didn't. Not to me, anyway.
I'll bet that...Kevin, there...would like to pay his last respects to one of our own. Wouldn't you, son?
Suddenly...I was all that was standing between us, and Aunt Rose.
S-sure, Grandpa. I guess so.
*
(In the car on the way to the church. Albert is driving.)
It wasn't fair. I'd been cast as the Benedict Arnold of the Arnold clan...just for being a dutiful grandson.
Are Phil and Opal coming to the funeral, Albert?
Oh, yeah. (Smiles.) They drove down last night, to help Iris with the arrangements. (Smiles.) And Ray's flyin' in from Portland.
Iris? Ray? Who were these people?
And, uh, Lloyd'll be there, too.
Lloyd? (Frowns.)
Yeah, you remember Lloyd, he w -
Yeah. Yeah, I remember.
The thing is...I couldn't understand why all of this was so important to the old guy.
It'll be good to see the family again. (Smiles.) Right, Kev?
And why was he picking on me?
*
(At the church, Jack sees Lloyd with Norma in the distance.)
Oh, God...Oh, God.
(Lloyd smiles at Jack and stage-whispers to him.)
I'll be right over.
(Lloyd turns to Norma.)
Excuse me. (Smiles.)
(Lloyd approaches Jack.)
This was Dad's cousin, Lloyd. He'd made a mint selling aluminum-siding. And probably the only person in the world with enough nerve to call my father...
Cous'...
(Jack and Lloyd shake hands.)
How the hell ya doin'?
Just great, Lloyd. (Smiles.) You?
Never been better. (Smiles.) Except...(Frowns and nods.) Except for this, of course. Hey...you're looking different, Jack. Put on a few?
(Lloyd taps Jack in the stomach with his fist and chuckles.)
I don't think so.
(Jack shakes his head and smiles.)
Maybe you're just gettin' old...
(Lloyd reaches his hand toward Jack's face and gently slaps his cheek. Jack smiles woodenly.)
It was the kind give-and-take that always affected Dad the same way.
I have to go to the john. (Exits.)
*
(In the car on the way to the funeral.)
The hell were you doin' back there, John?
I was gettin' some air.
"Getting some air"?
I guess you could say it was a kind of a solemn ride to the gravesite.
The flowers look lovely, Albert.
Yeah. They were, weren't they? I haven't seen so many flowers since...Helen died.
(Albert turns to Jack, who is looking out the window.)
You remember that don't ya, John?
Yeah. Yeah, I remember, Dad.
Shoo - Boy, it was hot that day, remember?
(Jack raises his eye-brows and glances down.)
Dad, I remember, OK?
Just making conversation.
(A little later in the scene...)
John...there's somethin' I've been meaning to talk to you about.
I was a fourteen-year-old kid with a sore shoulder...down ten bucks...on my way in a cramped car...to bury somebody who had absolutely nothing to do with me.
Have you, uh...have you thought any more about buyin' that plot next to your mother and me?
And then, suddenly...Aunt Rose's funeral hit home.
Dad, you we have to talk about this?
Something you should be thinkin' about.
Dad...(Frowns.)
You don't want these boys makin' the decisions, do ya? They'll have enough to think about when the time comes.
Dad, I've taken care of it, OK?
*
(At night on the road. Jack drives. Kevin is the only other person awake.)
The thread of my Aunt Rose's life had been permanently woven into mine, leaving me with questions. And driving home that night, my fragile little family hurtling through the darkness...I knew I'd have to face those questions one day.
Dad?
Hmmm?
Don't ever die, OK?
Nahhh...I'm not gonna die. (Smiles.)
But for now...that was good enough for me.

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(Ep 60 - "Courage")

The night of that great dentist office bailout. I faced a sobering truth. I had fled in the face of battle. In front of Miss Hasenfuss! I was...a coward. I was unworthy of my proud lineage.
Dad?
Hmmm?
You were in combat, right?
Sure. (Nods.) I was in combat.
Were you scared?
Well...I don't know if I'd call it scared. We had a job to do, and we did it. No, when you're out there in the trenches and the smoke is stingin' your nose, and the bullets are zippin' past your head like flies...you don't have time to be scared.
And that's when it hit me. If my father was that brave...then maybe I had it in me, too. Somewhere, down deep.
There's only one thing that ever scared the pants off me.
What's that?
The dentist.
(Whistling sound of a falling bomb, then explosion.)

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(Ep 61 - "Buster")

It's just...when it came to Buster...the rest of the family preferred a less...hands on role.
What's wrong with 'em?
Isn't he hungry?
Maybe he has fleas.
Oh, not fleas...Honey, they'll get in the carpet.
Kevin, haven't you been sprayin' him? (Frowns.)
Dad, he doesn't have fleas.
Well, then...take him for a walk
*
Paul, trust me. It's not that great. Really! I mean, taking care of dogs isn't as easy as it looks. You gotta feed 'em, and bathe 'em, and walk 'em. Believe me - it's no picnic.
Old Yeller saved his family from a bear.
Unfortunately, where I lived...
(Jack is frowning, holding up a pair of his shoes.)
Bears weren't the problem.
He ate my shoes.
Are you sure?
(Jack circles around Kevin, holding out his shoes.)
Ya, I'm sure.
No...are ya, are you sure it was Buster?
Oh, come on. I mean who else would be gross enough to eat Dad's loafers, huh?
*
I don't understand this. He's never done this before...I wonder what's wrong.
Whatever it was...it wasn't exactly endearing the old dog to the old homefront.
Can't ya at least keep him quiet? I got less than a week to finish this damn report!
Seemed like it was up to me to save Buster's reputation.
Maybe he's sick.
Sick?
Well, his nose is a little warm. Maybe you should take him to the vet, honey.
(Jack pets Buster.)
Poor guy...
*
I took Buster to the vet.
And?
Well...
Honey? Is there something wrong with him?
Well, nothing that can't be fixed. I mean...
There was no sense holding back. This was a family issue. A matter for the alliance.
Well...
So...I told them.
She said it was the conscientious thing to do.
I explained to them exactly what was involved...making every detail crystal-clear.
(Jack frowns and squirms.)
And, when it was over...
(Jack and Wayne cross their legs, uncomfortably.)
Seemed the decision was pretty much up to them.
That's what she said, huh?
Uh-huh.
But at least the burden was off me. This problem was too big for one small kid. My family would handle it now, together - one for all...all for one.
May I be excused? (Exits.)
I should go finish the laundry. (Exits.)
Um...
(Jack stands and walks to Kevin.)
There's a...lightbulb in the bedroom, uh...
(Jack sighs and looks down at Buster.)
That needs to be replaced.
(Jack smiles and chuckles, embarrassed, then side-steps toward the doorway. Jack looks at Buster, and exits.)
*
OK, butthead - here's the deal. (Points.) Every time your dog barks, I throw something at ya.
(Buster barks. Wayne tosses a shoe at Kevin.)
Hey! Wayne! Cut it out! (Gestures.)
(Wayne sits up and points toward the door.)
Why don't ya tell your dog to shut-up already!
(Jack opens the door in the background.)
Dammit, Kevin!
(Jack holds up his papers.)
I've got work to do.
Look, Dad - I put him in the cellar!
Try somethin' else!
(Jack slams the door.)
Our family alliance was falling apart.
*
Kevin?! Where have you been?!
I was at the park. Buster got loose...I had to chase 'em.
(Jack frowns.)
You saw what he did? I'll be up all night, trying to...patch this thing together.
I'm sorry...
But somehow, Dad's report didn't seem all that important anymore.
Hey...where's the pooch?
He ran away. I think he wanted to. I let him down. I think we all let him down.
(Jack sighs and looks toward Norma. He turns to Kevin and nods.)
I'll get my coat.

See also "Full Transcript"



(Ep 62 - "Road Trip")

The biggest thing in a young boy's world...is his dad. You do what he says. He's your guide through the mysteries of manhood - your confidant. Until the day comes when -
(Kevin is at the bathroom mirror as Jack opens the door, carrying a cross-word puzzle.)
Oh!
Uh...
You in here?
(They smile at each other uncomfortably, and Jack exits.)
For some reason, things change.
(Evening on the couch.)
Your confidant becomes...that guy on the other end of the couch.
(They glance at each other.)
You stop communicating. Except through an interpreter.
Kevin, how'd you do on your test today?
Fine, Mom.
You hear that, honey? Kevin did well on his French test.
(Jack says nothing. Kevin glances at him.)
Jack, did you tell Kevin about your trip to Cincinnati?
(Kevin and Jack turn toward each other.)
Rained.
Uh-huh.
Cold.
Uh-huh.
Well, I guess that roasting pan has soaked long enough.
Even a skilled mediator can't always bridge the widening gulf.
(Go-go dancers are on TV. Jack chuckles, Kevin smiles.)
Truth is, when you're fourteen, the absolute worst part of being with your dad...is being with your dad.
(They look at each other.)
I gotta study.
I gotta work.
And you never, ever, want to be alone with each other.
(Cut to breakfast. Norma is standing in the kitchen, reading a newspaper ad. Jack is reading the paper, and the kids are eating.)
Oh, my goodness! Look at this! It's hard to believe!
What is it?
It's a sale. On suits, at Randolph's. Route 9-B in Millbrook.
Course, when you're fourteen...almost any situation can be fraught with potential peril.
They're slashing prices! "Everything must go"! (Smiles.) Jack, what do you say?
(Jack has the paper in front of his face.)
'Bout what?
About these suits!
Fortunately, this was Dad's problem.
I got all the suits I need...
Not ours.
No - I meant for Kevin.
What? (Gestures.) Why me?!
Well, you're getting older, honey - you don't have one that fits you. And, you look so manly in a suit.
(Norma smiles and points at the paper.)
And besides...they come with two pairs of pants!
Powerful reasoning...requiring a powerful response.
Mom, I don't want a new suit, OK? (Frowns.)
They're open till five. And they're only an hour away.
Mom! (Frowns.)
What do you think, Jack?
(Jack looks at his newspaper.)
Kid needs a suit...kid needs a suit.
(Wayne laughs.)
Have fun, sucker! (Exits.)
Great.
(Kevin stands up and walks past Norma, frowning.)
A whole Sunday down the tubes. What could be worse?
So, what time will you two fellas be leaving?
(Kevin pauses and turns with a worried look on his face. Jack flips the newspaper forward at the crease, looking shocked.)
Hah?
To buy that suit!
Him? (Points.)
Me? (Frowns.)
Us?
Why not? A boy should buy his suit...with his father.
(Jack chuckles.)
Norma...(Gestures.)
(Kevin smiles and shrugs.)
Mom...
(Kevin takes some breaths, then looks toward Jack and frowns. Jack looks off and growls.)
It was pretty clear this idea wasn't gonna float. Not in a month of Sundays.
(Cut to the driveway. Norma is looking in the car window.)
Now - you sure you know how to get there?
Course I know how to get there.
You take 15...to the exit for 22-B, and then...
(Jack looks off and sighs.)
Norma? I know how to get there. (Nods.)
Well, then...You two have a good time! (Winks.)
(Kevin smiles as he looks at Norma.)
Dad, we don't have to do this, you know.
(Jack smiles slightly as he looks toward Norma.)
The hell we don't.
Bye-bye!
(Kevin and Jack smile and wave. Jack starts the car, then backs out of the driveway.)
Yep - This was gonna be some fun. Me and the big guy...sharin' a little quality-time.
(Cut to the road.)
Still, out here on the open road...maybe this was a chance to re-establish communications.
So...how's school?
Good!
Paul?
Good!
Bounce around philosophies. Sink our teeth into the big questions.
How's work?
Lousy. (Frowns.)
Uh-huh.
The thing is, I knew it was just a matter of finding a common ground. Something we were both passionate about. Something like...
(Jack turns on the radio, then leans back and smiles. Kevin looks at him.)
"Easy listenin'" music.
You mind if we turn that down?
What?
(Kevin shrugs and smiles.)
Never mind!
At least it solved the communication problem.
(They pass the sign for Exit 22-B.)
If not the navigational one.
Dad!
(Jack turns down the radio.)
What is it, now?
I think we just passed our exit.
Nah...
No! Remember, Mom said take the 15 to the 22-B and -
What are ya talkin' about?! (Frowns.)
(Jack looks toward the odometer and points.)
It's not for another eight miles...I'm trackin' it, here.
Yeah, but Mom said -
Hey! (Frowns.) Your mother never drove a half-track halfway across Korea, OK?
Maybe so. But unless I was mistaken, this was not Korea.
Dad, I really think -
Trust me.
(Jack turns to Kevin, smiling and nodding slightly.)
It's the next one.
Whatever you say...
(Jack whistles to the music on the radio.)
(Cut to a rural winding road, as the car approaches around the bend.)
So...we took the next exit.
(The car slows and stops. Jack frowns. There is a "dead-end" sign on a fence in front of the car. Jack frowns and glances off.)
What's this?
I think it's a dead-end.
(Jack glances around suspiciously, slightly shaking his head.)
This isn't supposed to be here.
True - theoretically speaking.
Well...maybe we should just...turn around.
Turn around?!
Yeah. You know, go back to the highway...(gestures)...and follow Mom's directions.
(Jack frowns and looks off, shaking his head.)
I'm not turnin' around.
Well, we can't keep going, can we?
(Jack frowns heavily at Kevin.)
Hmmm. Seemed we'd reached a stand-off, here.
(Shot of the "dead-end" sign.)
The irresistable force.
(Jack frowns with his tongue in his cheek, as he glances off in thought.)
The immovable object.
Dad?
Till the immovable object...
(Jack raises his finger and starts to smile as he looks off.)
Blinked.
Hand me a map.
Of course! Maps!
(Jack opens the door and steps out as Kevin opens the glove-box and starts thumbing through a stack of maps.)
My father had charts of every street, every town, every county in the known free world.
(Kevin holds up a map and smiles.)
Got it!
(Kevin gets out and trots around the front of the car to Jack.)
It was time to scout-out the terrain. Together.
(Jack takes the map and spreads it on the roof of the car.)
Let's...take a look.
(Kevin tries to look at the map.)
One little problem.
Dad? I can't see it.
(Jack studies the map.)
What do you need to see it for?
Well, I just...thought I'd -
Let's see...we must be near to Loudenville...
(Kevin tries to look at the map.)
It was hard to tell, standing four feet below sea-level.
Hhh - Come on, Dad! (Frowns.)
Huh?
Can I help?
Oh - sure! Fold it up for me, will ya?
(Kevin smiles, then frowns, as he takes the map.)
But, I -
Come on - we're wastin' time.
(Jack opens the door and gets in while Kevin tries to fold the map.)
Now, we all know map companies hire guys who specialize in making map-folding a physical impossibility.
Oh, here!
(Jack glances away again and frowns. He looks back to Kevin and frowns as he starts to get out.)
See if this way'll work...
(Jack reaches past the door and takes the map.)
Get in - we gotta go.
(Jack folds the map and Kevin gets in.)
Two rights, three lefts, and we're back in business - right, sport?
(Jack put the car in reverse, and looks over his shoulder as he backs up.)
Right, Dad.
Maybe so...maybe not. Seemed pretty clear, it was time for me and the big guy to have a chat.
Dad?
Hmmm?
Can we talk?
'Bout what?
It's just...I wanted to fold the map.
(Jack frowns at Kevin. Then the car backs into a mud-puddle and stops. Kevin looks worriedly at Jack, who frowns in surprise at Kevin.)
And I guess that kinda...summed it up.
(Kevin leans out the window and looks at the mud-puddle as the wheel spins.)
In a word...
I think we're stuck.
We're not stuck!
(Jack looks forward, guns the motor, and goes nowhere as the wheels spin.)
But we were.
(Fade to the car approaching on the highway.)
By two o'clock, we were on our way again.
(The car slows as Jack turns into a driveway.)
Muddier, but wiser.
(Jack pulls next to a gas-pump. The attendant trots around the rear of the car.)
Still, at least, now we knew where we were.
(Jack rolls down his window, then turns to Kevin and smiles.)
Loudenville...
(The attendant bends down to look at Jack.)
Welcome to Hillsdale - can I help you!
(Jack turns forward slowly.)
Uh, yeah, please. We need some -
Gas. Fill it up. (Frowns.)
And some -
Oil. Check it.
Gotcha!
Dad - shouldn't we ask for directions? (Nods.)
Why? We know where we are.
(Jack sighs, and looks forward.)
Hillsdale.
Course I should have known better. My father would rather face a firing-squad before asking a qualified stranger for information.
(The attendant returns from the pump and wipes off the side-view mirror and points.)
Say - you know, that front right tire of yours -
Tire's fine! (Frowns.)
(Jack looks at Kevin.)
Come on! Let's wash up.
(Kevin gets out.)
Fine with me.
Gotcha!
(Jack and Kevin walk off.)
Anything was better than sitting in that car together.
(Cut to inside the diner as Jack and Kevin enter.)
Besides, here, in this humble inn, we could refresh our weary spirits - sit down as equals.
(They pause.)
Get me some coffee, huh?
(Jack turns and walks toward the restroom. Kevin glances over his shoulder and frowns as he walks forward.)
What do I look like - your slave?
(Kevin talks a seat in the middle of the counter. A man is reading a newspaper on the far end. Kevin sighs and looks down as the waitress approaches.)
Can I get you something?
One coffee, please.
Sure, handsome. (Smiles.)
(Twang of guitar as Kevin looks up. The waitress turns and walks toward the serving counter.)
Hold the phone...
(A bit of Hill's Brother's (?) coffee "bubble music" plays as the camera pans down to her rear-end. Kevin smiles slightly and shrugs.)
Make that...two coffees.
Are you from around here?
Uh...
Haven't seen you in here before.
Well...I...mostly hang out...somewhere else.
Like - junior high school.
(The waitress brings the coffee-pot.)
But why quibble?
Two coffees...(Smiles.) Anything else?
Hmmmmmm....let's see, here...
(Close shot of a plate of food, and the waitress's hand as she points.)
Scrambled eggs...bacon, crisp...wheat toast...home fries...applesauce...and a couple of corn muffins.
Uh-huh. (Smiles.)
(Close shot of the waitress's, uh, name-tag region. The camera pans up to her face.)
Can I warm that up for you? (Smiles.)
Oh...thanks.
So I'd gone a little overboard - true love does that to you.
(Jack approaches with his hands in his pockets. Kevin watches him approach.)
And, I knew Dad would understand.
(Jack pauses and looks at the food.)
What the hell is all this?
Dad!
(Kevin nods toward the waitress, who is turned away, humming to herself. Jack looks toward her as she reaches up for the coffee-pot. Jack frowns, then raises his eye-brows.)
Oh...
(Jack smiles and shrugs slightly toward Kevin as he smiles.)
Huh, well...
And suddenly, we were...connecting.
(The waitress approaches with the coffee-pot.)
This was something that went beyond mere words...the thing guys understand.
(The waitress smiles at Jack.)
Hi, handsome.
(Jack smiles broadly as he puts his elbow on the counter and leans slightly in front of Kevin.)
Hi.
The thing Greek tragedies are made of.
Can I warm that up for you? (Smiles.)
Oh - sure...
(The waitress smiles as she pours. Jack looks at his coffee, and nods toward Kevin.)
And, uh, get the kid a ginger-ale.
"Kid"? "Ginger-ale"?
(Kevin glances toward the waitress, then turns toward Jack.)
Dad - I'm drinking coffee, OK?
(Jack pauses in surprise, glances at Kevin, then the waitress, then turning toward Kevin.)
Oh - right.
(Jack turns to the waitress and smiles.)
He's drinking coffee...
(Jack smiles and winks. The waitress smiles and giggles.)
I couldn't believe it!
(Jack chuckles at the waitress, then sips his coffee.)
The big lummox had sold me out! OK, then. If he wanted to play rough...
So, Dad?
Hmmm?
Think Mom's expecting us?
(Jack pauses and looks at Kevin.)
Huh?
(Kevin raises his voice.)
You know. My mom...your wife?!
(Kevin glances toward the waitress as Jack frowns.)
What are you talkin' about?
Of course, you can't get us home...
(Kevin glances at the waitress, who glances over her shoulder.)
Because you got us lost! Right?!
(Jack turns toward the waitress. He smiles and chuckles, embarrassed. The waitress smiles, then turns away. Kevin smiles toward the waitress.)
Heh-heh.
(Kevin turns toward Jack.)
Take that!
(Jack smiles toward the waitress, then turns toward Kevin and frowns heavily. A few notes of "Jaws" music plays. Kevin looks worried.)
Gulp.
(Kevin closes his mouth and opens his eyes wider.)
(Cut to the parking lot as the car turns sharply ans pulls away.)
(Cut to on the road. "Champagne music" is on the car-radio.)
And so...the battle-lines were drawn. Words had failed us. Negotiations had broken down. Hostilities had broken out.
(Kevin leans forward and changes the radio - R&R guitar. Jack frowns and changes the station - "Moon River". Jack whistles as he drives. Kevin changes the staion - R&R guitar. Jack frowns, then changes the station - "Moon River". Kevin changes the station - R&R guitar. Jack changes the station - A "Ken-L Ration" jingle plays - "My dog's better than your dog..." Kevin changes the staion - country rock guitar. Jack frowns and changes the station - an excited country DJ. Kevin changes the station - R&R sax. Jack changes the station - "Largo al Factotum" from the opera "Barber of Seville" plays, in Italian. They frown at each other, then look forward.)
And this time...no one was blinking.
(The Italian opera continues into the next scene, louder.)
(Fade to evening in front of the clothes store. The manager flips the "open" sign to "closed", and steps outside. Kevin and Jack sit in the car and frown. The opera is winding through the crescendo.)
Three hours, six wrong turns, and two gas-stations later...
(The manager walks away. Final blast of opera. The right-front tire pops, hissing out air, and the car lists to one side. Kevin looks at Jack, as Jack frowns.)
Somebody...finally...spoke.
I'll get the jack.
(Jack sighs and looks off.)
(Cut to Jack pumping the jack up and down.)
You need any help with that?
I can handle it.
Dad, can't you just lower -
I said I can handle it!
(Jack kneels and pops off the hubcap, which rattles to a stop.)
I stood there, feeling like...a fifth-wheel. Not even that.
(Jack glances toward Kevin, then looks at the tire.)
Awright...gimme some room here...
(Jack strains on the lug-wrench.)
Great. Lug-nut's jammed.
(Jack tries again.)
Damn thing won't budge!
(Jack strains again.)
Might as well be...welded on...solid.
(Jack sighs heavily and stands up.)
How could this have happened?
Course, he probably meant that to be rhetorical. Still...
Maybe because you didn't listen to that guy back at the gas-station! (Nods.)
(Jack wipes his forehead slowly as he looks at Kevin.)
I seemed to feel the need to shoot off my big mouth.
What?! (Frowns.)
Well...you should've.
Let me tell ya something, Kevin! We wouldn't be here...
(Jack shakes the lug-wrench.)
If it wasn't for that damn suit of yours!
My suit?! (Frowns.) Look - I didn't even want to come here!
Well, neither did I! Travellin' half-way around the country!
Yeah, well...(gestures)...that's just 'cause you got us lost!
I did not get us lost! (Frowns.)
Did so! (Nods.)
I did not! (Frowns.)
Did so! (Nods.)
Dammit!
(Jack turns away and points with the lug-wrench.)
Does this look like we're lost?!
But the aweful truth was...we were. He knew it...and I knew it. We were lost - in a way that had nothing to do with Rand-McNally, or Route 22-B.
(Jack drops the lug-wrench and walks a few steps past Kevin, then mills around with his hands in his pockets.)
And I guess that's when I knew what I had to do.
(Kevin picks up the lug-wrench as Jack turns around. Kevin kneels down.)
What are you doing?
I'm changing the tire.
What?!
You heard me!
Are you out of your mind? (Frowns.)
Maybe I was...but I didn't care.
(Kevin puts the lug-wrench on, and braces himself.)
I was gonna budge that lug-nut...
(Kevin strains.)
If it was the last thing I ever did. I was gonna budge it...or die trying. Budge it...or give up the ghost.
(Kevin pauses and pants, glances toward Jack, and strains again.)
And then, something completely unexpected happened.
(The lug-wrench rotates out of Kevin's hand.)
Ah!
(Kevin sprawls backwards as the lug-wrench spins in front of him and clatters to the ground. Kevin looks toward the tire, then Jack takes a step closer and looks at the tire.)
I budged the lug-nut. It was kind of a big moment.
(Jack holds his hand out toward Kevin. Kevin looks at Jack's hand, then Jack, then grabs Jack's hand and rises. He holds the lug-wrench toward him.)
Go ahead...(Gestures.)
(Kevin loosens another lug-nut. He looks at Jack and they both smile.)
(Fade to the road as the car approaches in the far distance, on a dark wet road.)
We didn't talk any more on the way home than we did on the way out. But maybe we listened a little bit more to what was being said in the silence.
(Fade to the Arnold house as the car approaches. Jack pulls to the curb across the street. Jack looks toward the house, and Kevin yawns.)
Tired?
A little. (Smiles.)
Hmmm. (Nods.)
(Jack looks toward the house.)
Your mom's gonna kill us, comin' home without a suit. Guess we'll have to face the music, though.
Yeah...
Huh.
(Jack smiles slightly, then turns toward Kevin.)
I'll tell ya what...I heard of this place...(nods)...out on the highway. Supposed to have great apple pie.
(Jack looks off.)
Maybe we'll go and try it.
(Jack frowns and nods slightly, then turns to Kevin.)
We could get our stories straight - have a cup of Joe. What do ya say?
(Kevin pauses, then reaches down for a map and starts to open it.)
What's that for?
In case we get lost.
(Jack glances off and chuckles, then smiles at Kevin.)
We won't need it. We'll find our own way. (Nods.)
(Kevin smiling at Jack as he folds up the map.)
Maybe he was right.
(The car pulls away from the curb.)
Where we were headed, there were no maps. It was uncharted territory. From now on...we were flying by the seat of our pants.

See also "Full Transcript"



(Ep 63 - "When Worlds Collide")

(In the living room, the guys are watching basketball as Norma straightens up.)
Still, like a lot of housewives of her time, what Mom knew was pretty much limited to her domain.
Oh, Jack, the dryer's been acting up again - I had to change the filter on it today.
Eh...(Nods.)
And I put a new shower curtain up in the bathroom.
And, so long as what she did in her world didn't interfere with our world...that was fine with us.
(Norma walks to the TV and stands in front of it, holding some magazines.)
And...I've got some news. I was in line this morning at the A & P...
(Jack frowns and rests the remote against his head.)
And Marietta Milburn was ahead of me. She mentioned that her next-door neighbor had just quit her job, and they needed someone to fill her position.
(Jack, Kevin and Wayne have no reaction.)
Just temporarily. (Smiles.)
So? (Gestures.)
So, I went in. (Smiles.)
(Jack and Kevin look at each other.)
It's...mostly just light typing and filing, nothing difficult...and I'd be home in plenty of time to cook dinner. (Smiles.) What do you think? (Nods.)
Now obviously what was required here was a show of enthusiasm. However half-hearted.
Fine with me then...(Gestures.)
Sounds great, Mom. (Smiles.)
Mom!
(Norma looks at Wayne expectantly.)
You're blocking the TV!
Oh! I'm sorry!
(She giggles and moves over.)
And, the decision had been made.
Well, then...I guess...(gestures)...that's that! (Nods.)
(Norma walks behind the couch.)
After all, if a little meaningless clerical work could brighten her day, nothin' wrong with that.
So where is this job?
In the attendance office at Kevin's school. (Smiles.)
It was the cool kid's worst nightmare.
*
(Norma caught Kevin trying to steal a hall pass for Barbella, then was fired from work, and is late arriving home for dinner. The guys are impatiently waiting in the kitchen.)
So where is she?
(Jack is watching baseball on TV.)
I'm hungry . (Gestures.)
How should I know?! (Gestures.)
That night I didn't feel up to explanations.
Something happen at school?
No! I-I mean...nothing that I know of.
I knew I was gonna be in trouble for what I'd done, but, that's not what troubled me most. Standing in that kitchen where Mom had made her family grilled-cheese sandwiches for past eighteen years, I knew that something had changed.
(Sound of Norma pulling up, and flash of headlights on Kevin's face. Kevin turns toward Jack and Wayne.)
About time...
Um-hmmm.
(Jack adjusts the TV.)
Dad? Wayne?
The least I could do was prepare them for the shattered soul about to walk through that door.
(Norma enters quickly, smiling.)
Hi! (Smiles.) Anybody hungry?
Uh-hnnnnn. (Smiles.)
Sorry! I lost track of time. We'll eat in twenty minutes. Just let me get this casserole in the oven. Oh! And I stopped by and picked up the crumb-cake you all love. (Smiles.)
Great...
Oh...
You need that freshened, honey?
(Norma takes Jack's glass.)
Thanks.
It was incredible! This was the most un-shattered soul I'd ever laid eyes on. She seemed...happy. Almost confidant. Almost...
Oh, Kevin - did you tell your father about school today?
Completely out of her mind.
What about school?
I won't be working there anymore.
(Jack looks puzzled.)
What? Why?
Well, it's pretty simple, really. (Smiles.)
And I knew she was gonna tell them. About everything. Only for some reason - she didn't.
It's just not the right job for me. (Shrugs.) Not right now. And, I think I can do better! (Smiles.) So I won't be going back there.
(She looks at Kevin, and nods slightly.)
Right, honey?
Well, then...if that's what you want.
That's what I want. (Nods.)

See also "Full Transcript"



(Ep 64 - "Separate Rooms")

(Kevin and Wayne are noisily fighting in their room. Jack approaches in the doorway, holding the ends of his untied tie.)
Eh! What's goin' on here? (Frowns.)
(Kevin and Wayne look at each other, then Jack.)
(K & W): Nuthin'.
Try and get along, will ya? (Frowns.)
Right, Dad. (Smiles.)
(Jack frowns as he exits.)
But it wasn't that simple.
(Wayne rubs a sock in Kevin's face.)
Dork! (Frowns.)
Buffoon!
After fourteen years of living cheek-to-jowl...Wayne and I were drowning in a rising tide of old comic books, smelly sweat socks, and petty disputes.
(Kevin picks up an album.)
Hey! That's mine! (Frowns.)
No, it's not! (Frowns.)
Gimme that!
(Wayne reaches for the album. They start fighting again.)
No. No.
(Jack appears at the doorway.)
Boys?!
(They pause, then look at Jack. Jack frowns.)
(K & W): Right, Dad. (Smiles.)
(Jack frowns, then backs away and turns.)
*
(Eating in the dining room.)
My sister, Karen, was home from college. Which could only mean one of three things.
So...how's school?
Great, Dad. (Nods.)
(Jack looks at Karen, and nods slightly as he chews.)
Grades? (Gestures.)
OK, I think.
Leaving only...
(He nods slightly, then frowns and sighs.)
Money?
Well, that's what I want to talk to you about.
(Jack looks off slightly.)
Here it came...
(Jack stops chewing and looks at Norma, then looking off slightly.)
The mid-semester bite. The freshman pinch.
How much?
Nothing. (Smiles.) I got a job.
(Wayne chokes on his milk.)
A job? (Frowns.)
You're kidding.
Job? (Nods.)
Yes, Dad - a job.
(Norma frowns slightly at Jack, then look at Karen.)
Well, that's nice, honey. (Smiles.) What kind of a job?
At the co-op. On campus for the summertime.
But I thought you were...coming home this summer.
Nope. I'm gonna be living up there. (Nods.)
(Jack looks at Norma, then smirks slightly and looks toward Karen.)
Now, let's take moment to consider what just happened here. My sister had told her family she wouldn't be home for the summer. To my parents, that meant losing their eldest child. Their only girl. Their flesh-and-blood. But, to Wayne and me, it meant something much more immense.
(Wayne and Kevin turn toward Jack ans speak simultaneously.)
(K & W): Can we have her room?
(Cut to Jack frowning as he slams the front door closed. The camera pulls back to reveal Wayne and Kevin standing on the porch.)
Hmmmm. Musta been something we said.
(Kevin and Wayne frown and look off, then turn and run around the house and look int the window.)
There they are.
(Inside, Jack and Norma are facing Karen.)
What do you mean, you're not coming home? (Gestures.)
Look, Daddy...(Gestures.)
You could tell Karen was fighting for her freedom.
(Jack gestures and turns away.)
But there was more than just her freedom at stake, here.
Man, I hope they'll let her go. (Frowns.)
(Jack looks toward the window and sees Kevin and Wayne.)
Mom, we do have to discuss...
(Kevin and Wayne smile self-consciously. Jack frowns, then approaches the window. He glances at the rope, then pulls the blinds closed.)
*
(Karen has left. Kevin and Wayne can't decide who has to move into Karen's room. Now, everyone is watching TV.)
The thing is, I wasn't sure myself why Wayne and I couldn't agree on the one thing we both wanted so much.
(Jack glances at Norma, then looks forward.)
So, uh...who's movin' into Karen's room?
(Jack looks toward Kevin. Kevin and Wayne point at each other.)
(K & W): He is.
All I knew was...neither one of us...was backing down.
*
(The boys are fighting again. Jack emerges from his bedroom as he puts on his robe, and approaches the boys' room, pausing in the doorway.)
The hell's goin' on here?! (Frowns.)
(Kevin and Wayne sit up and look at him.)
It's about that damn room, isn't it?
Look, Dad -
Fine.
(Jack points at them.)
You can't make a decision...
(Jack points to himself.)
I'll make it for ya. Nobody gets it. (Frowns.)
But, Dad...(Frowns.)
You heard me. Nobody. (Frowns.) I'll turn it into a den.
Uh, but, Dad...(Frowns.)
And I don't want to hear another word about it. You've been bickering long enough. (Frowns.) Am I understood? (Nods.)
(Kevin and Wayne look off.)
Good. (Frowns.)
(Jack starts to back away, then glances at the door. He pulls the door closed quickly.)

See also "Full Transcript"



(Ep 67 - "The House That Jack Built")

Once upon a time...
(The camera pans across a photo of a happy crowd. One man in the photo holds up a newspaper reading "Germany Quits!" in large headlines.)
America's sons came home from a just, and noble war. Home to their families, and an ideal called suburbia. It was a place where peace-of-mind came by the square foot. Where the space between every linoleum floor, and shingled roof...was to be filled with children. And dreams. And where...into every inch of concrete...hard working men...
(Cut to the Arnold driveway where Jack is kneeling, patching a crack in the side of the house with cement.)
Poured their values.
(Jack looks over his shoulder.)
There. This oughtta take care of it. (Smiles.)
(Jack resumes trowelling cement.)
My father was one of those men. His values were simple. As solid as the walls of the house he took care of.
(Kevin is stirring cement in a large bucket with a big stick.)
And he trusted the preservation of those four walls to nothing less than his own two hands.
Dad? Could I stop stirring now?
(Jack looks toward the bucket.)
With maybe a little help from my two hands.
(Jack frowns and shakes his head.)
Not just yet.
Think it'll hold?
Sure.
(Norma steps outside, wiping her hands on a towel and looking at Jack.)
A little cement, a little paint...
(Jack looks up and gestures at Kevin.)
Good as new. (Smiles.)
(Norma approaches, looking at Jack's work.)
Course, his family trusted his capable hands as well.
Jack? Are you sure we shouldn't call a repairman?
We don't need a repairman, Norma.
(Jack looks up toward Norma.)
Just a little crack. (Smiles.)
(Jack looks down.)
Oh, I know honey, but, I mean...(shrugs)...isn't that pretty serious? (Frowns.)
(Jack turns slowly to Norma.)
I know what I'm doing. (Nods.)
(Jack looks at Kevin, then tilts his head and smiles slightly.)
All in all...the old man had built a pretty solid foundation for us.
*
(In the kitchen, Karen has told Kevin and Norma she is going to live in a house instead of a college dorm.)
What do you need a house for? (Frowns.)
Well, I mean, it's roomier, and it's...closer to work. It's what I'm going to do.
(Jack enters from the living room.)
What are you goin' to do?
(Jack walks to a cabinet near the camera.)
Jack? Karen's thinking of moving into a house.
(Jack closes the cabinet door, holding a glass. He looks at Norma, then Karen.)
She's not moving into any house.
(Jack looks at Karen, then approaches Norma.)
Why not, Daddy?
(Norma pours Jack a glass of lemonade.)
Now, obviously, my father had his carefully-considered reasons.
(Jack looks at Karen.)
Because you're not moving into any house!
Look, Daddy - I've already made plans. (Gestures.) And the dorms are really crowded...and...
(Jack looks off as he swallows.)
But it was clear nothin' was gonna budge the big guy on this one.
(Jack shakes his head slightly.)
Until...
It was gonna be a lot cheaper than the dorm.
(Jack looks off. Sound of a cash register as Jack looks toward Karen and raises his eyebrows.)
Cheaper?
Karen evoked my father's fourth commandment. "Thou shalt save money on rent".
(Jack looks off and puckers his lips.)
Sounds good to me. (Nods.)
(Jack smiles slightly at Karen, then walks past the camera.)
*
(At dinner, Norma is asking Karen about the house and her roommate.)
(Norma looks at Jack and shrugs.)
Well, maybe we should...drive up and see it.
All of us? (Frowns.)
Come on, Mom. (Frowns.) We don't need to go up there.
Yeah, Mom. Besides...the house still needs a lot of work, and...that's why we're getting such a good deal. Maybe you should wait a few weeks.
Well, if you think so. (Smiles.)
And once again, the issue was settled.
(Jack drops his fork onto his plate, and pauses, then wipes his mouth with a napkin slowly. He puts his napkin in his lap, and looks at Karen.)
Needs a little fix-up, hah?
Oh, no.
Daddy...(smiles)...it's being handled.
Yeah...
(Jack looks off, then at Karen.)
But someone's gotta make sure it's done right.
(Jack looks at Norma.)
Maybe we should drive up - take a look, huh? (Nods.)
(Jack picks up his fork and looks at Kevin.)
Right, Kev?
Me?! (Frowns.) Why can't he help?
Looks like you're Daddy's little helper. (Smiles.) Sucker.
So, how about next Saturday?
(Karen looks uncomfortable, then smiles and sighs heavily.)
Sure. Next Saturday's OK.
And at long last, the issue was put to rest for good.
*
(At Karen's house, Jack, Norma and Kevin look around.)
I told you it still needs some work, but the landlord's giving us a real deal if we do some of the repairs. You just gotta have a little vision. (Smiles.)
Uh-huh. We had vision, alright. While Mom was envisioning walls festering with cockroaches and rats...
It's...nice honey!
I was envisioning sweat...splinters...and hard labor. Whereas...Dad saw something we didn't.
(Jack looks off and nods slightly.)
Lotta work in this place.
Pure opportunity.
(Jack sets his toolbox down.)
OK.
(Jack claps his hands together.)
Kev...(gestures)...where do we want to start? (Smiles.)BR> Uh, actually, Daddy...(gestures)...lunch is almost ready.
(Jack shrugs, then smiles.)
Well, in that case - where's the john?
(Karen gestures, and Jack walks off.)
*
(While Jack was in the john, a young man brought groceries. Karen looked a little uncomfortable, as did the man, and the man left. Norma and Kevin are seated at the table as Jack approaches.)
OK, everybody.
(Jack smiles as he sits down, then leans toward a big bowl and sniffs. He pauses, then looks toward Karen.)
What's that smell?
Stir-fried vegetables, sauteed bean-curd...and hikama salad on the side.
(Jack frowns at a large spoon of bean-curd.)
Well...it looks wonderful, honey. Right, Kevin? (Smiles.)
(Kevin is looking at a white glob on his spoon.)
Uh...Yeah! (Shrugs.) Wonderful. (Smiles.)
Hey, what could be better? A hearty meal with the family...a new hearth and home...
(Jack looks down as he gets a forkful of food.)
Back-breaking projects ahead...
(Jack looks up at Norma and nods slightly.)
Lotsa work to do.
So it's a good thing we came up, right? (Smiles.)
No kidding. Place needs a man's help. (Smiles.)
(The young man enters the door behind Karen and pauses.)
Hi. (Smiles.)
(Jack glances at him, then looks at him with surprise.)
Hi.
Can I come in? (Gestures.)
Sure.
(The man approaches the chair next to Karen. Jack looks at the man as he sits down next to him.)
Hi. (Nods.)
Hi.
What?
(The man serves himself some food.)
Did the guy change his mind about the tip?
(Jack holds a serving spoon of bean-curd, and frowns at the man.)
I...uh...
Seemed pretty clear...
(Jack holds the spoon of bean-curd, and frowns at the man.)
An explanation was in order.
And who are you? (Frowns.)
I live here.
(Jack frowns at the man and tosses the spoon down.)
Uh...everybody...this is Michael.
(Karen puts her hand on Michael's.)
And, with those polite formalities out of the way...we sat down to break bread.
(Jack frowns at Michael.)
What do you mean you live here?
(Michael looks at Karen. Jack frowns at Karen.)
What does he mean...(gestures)...he lives here?
You didn't tell 'em, yet.
W-well, I-I didn't quite get around to it yet.
Tell us what?! (Frowns.)
Mom...Dad...you know I-I told you that I was gonna be sharing a house with somebody...(Nods.)
(Jack frowns at Michael, unmoving. Michael gestures.)
Nice to meet you. (Nods.)
Somehow I guess I'd envisioned Karen's roommate a little less...male.
You know, um...Michael's a carpenter...and he's...gonna be renovating the house.
Yeah. You can probably tell..it needs some pretty serious work. (Laughs.)
(Jack holds his fist in front of him, and purses his lips, looking off.)
Like I said, the landlord's giving us a huge break...on the rent.
But I had a hunch rent was no longer foremost on Dad's mind.
You know, Daddy, maybe...Michael can help help you out. (Shrugs.) Or...(frowns)...you could help him out.
Yeah. Yeah! (Gestures.) I got a lot of work to do upstairs. (Gestures.)
(Jack looks off.)
And we were thinking of renting out three of the bedrooms.
This place has five bedrooms?
Uh, actually...(gestures)...it only has four.
Let's see here. A little quick math...four minus three equals...
(Kevin looks toward Michael.)
Where do you sleep? (Gestures.)
Believe it or not...at the time...
(Norma looks sideways at Karen.)
It was an innocent question.
(Sound of a locomotive as the camera rolls slowly up to Jack, who is frowning. Jack bangs the table, scattering silverware onto the floor, then stands up.)
We braced ourselves for the inevitable. My father was gonna make mince-meat of this guy. Tear him limb from limb.
(Jack puts his fork on his plate.)
I'm gonna take a walk.
(Jack starts to walk off, and holds up his hand toward Norma.)
Or, he was gonna take a walk.
Jack...
(Jack exits.)
(Kevin and Michael go out for a hamburger. Jack is still gone when they return. Kevin is at the screen door, looking at Karen and Michael who are hugging on the porch, as Jack approaches in the background. Jack pauses with his hands in his pockets.)
Look, Mr. Arnold, I know we -
(Jack gestures. He looks down than at Karen and Michael.)
I, uh...took a walk - did some thinking.
(Jack looks off.)
I asked myself if, uh...
(Jack sighs, then looks at them.)
Maybe I'm the one who's wrong, here.
(Jack shakes his head slightly.)
But I just keep coming back to the same answer.
(Norma approaches behind Kevin.)
I can't allow this, Karen.
What do you want me to say to that, Daddy? You want me to move back into the dorm?
As a matter of fact, I do. (Nods.)
(Karen looks at Michael, then down, then at Jack.)
No.
(Jack looks at Karen, then glances toward Norma. Norma takes a step forward and holds Kevin, squeezing his arm. Kevin looks at her.)
Your mother, and I...didn't raise you to live this way!
What? (Frowns.) You mean you didn't raise me to fall in love? You mean you didn't raise me to want to share my life...(gestures)...with a loving man? (Frowns.)
You know damn well what I mean! (Frowns.)
Daddy! These aren't the Dark Ages. Times have changed...things have changed.
(Jack violently makes a fist.)
I haven't changed!!
(Norma frowns and steps outside. Jack frowns at Karen, then Norma.)
You never listen, Daddy.
I'm not listening to this.
(Jack looks from Norma to Karen.)
You're moving out of here.
Look, maybe you're being a little hard on her. (Gestures.)
(Jack comes up the steps.)
This is between my daughter and me. (Frowns.)
(Jack pauses on the porch.)
May be, sir, but...it's also between your daughter and me.
(Jack looks at Michael.)
We're going. Kevin...(gestures)...get my toolbox.
Daddy...
(Jack looks at Michael as he raises his hand.)
I'm not staying here.
(Jack turns to leave, then walks forward down the walkway. Karen hurries down the steps after him.)
You were the ones who wanted to come see how I'm living!
(Norma follows.)
Well, this is how I'm living!
(Jack hurries toward the front of the car. Karen follows.)
I don't have to take that!
Fine, Daddy, dont take it - but this is how it is!
(Kevin walks down the walkway as Karen stands on the driver's side of the car, and Norma looks in the passenger side of the car, as Jack slams the door.)
I raised you with values. I raised you have better values than this!
I don't need your values!
*
(Jack, Norma and Kevin arrive home in the middle of a rain storm. Wayne is at the kitchen table watching TV and drinking from a glass as Kevin hurries inside. Thunder sounds. Kevin brushes some rain water off his head.)
Welcome back.
(Norma and Jack enter, and brush some water off themselves.)
Hey, Dad - you better check the basement.
(Jack pauses and turns slightly over his shoulder.)
What?
The floor's a little wet.
(Jack looks at Norma, then walks across the kitchen.)
*
(Kevin goes into the basement and sees Jack and Norma in the corner, looking at the wall. Lightning and thunder goes off, and Jack and Norma look out the window. Jack runs his hand over the wall, then turns toward Norma.)
Guess I didn't fix it very well. (Gestures.)
(Jack looks at the wall. Norma sets her hand on his shoulder. Jack turns to her and gestures, then looks at the wall.)
You did your best, honey. I know that.
(Jack looks at Norma.)
Yeah.
(Jack looks at the wall again, then turns to walk past Norma. Norma put her hands up on Jack's shoulders. They hug a long time.)

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(Ep 68 - "Graduation")

(In the kitchen.)
My mother, on the other hand, was standing guard between the rock...
(Jack enters with his tie loosened, holding his jacket and briefcase.)
Oh, welcome home, honey!
And the hard place.
(Jack sets his jacket on a chair and tosses his briefcase on the floor.)
Ehhh...
Here's your drink.
Seemed my father had all but abandoned the concept of communication as we know it.
(Jack sits at the table, lookng forward blankly.)
Jack? The contractor stopped by today. About the foundation?
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, he didin't seem to think it would be too bad. Just a matter of repouring a few walls...
I don't want to talk about it.
My guess was...the old man didn't want to talk about it.
Well, then...(shrugs)...shall we have dinner? (Smiles.)
Good idea, Mom. (Smiles.)
Good. Have a seat.
And there ya had it. In the great scheme of Arnold family life, things were moving on. For some of us, anyway.
Hi! (Waves.)
(Jack looks at Kevin, begins to speak, then sighs.)
Hnnnn...

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(Ep 70 - "The Lake")

Lake Wennahatchee...For one week that summer of 1971, my family and Paul Pfeiffer's rented side-by-side cabins along its placid shores.
(Both fathers are fishing on the dock.)
Dammit!
It was a place to get away from the aggravations of modern suburban life.
(Alvin smiles and reels in.)
I got one!
Escape from the petty everyday competition.
Ha, ha, hahhhhh. Ha, ha.
Jack...Honey? Hotdogs or hamburgers for dinner?
(Jack looks over his shoulder as he reels in.)
We're gonna have fish, dammit!
(A clump of lake-plant swings on the end of his line.)
The kind of paradise that made you wish you could stay forever.



*
(Kevin and Paul are walkng from the cabin toward the lake.)
Where we went didn't matter. Getting away was all that counted.
(They meet Jack coming up.)
Say...you boys want to do some fishing?
No thanks, Dad!
(Jack looks puzzled, but continues up the hill.)
*
After three-and-a-half days of hanging out, even my best friend was starting to get on my nerves.
(Cut to the Arnold's, Pfeiffer's and Wart eating at a picnic table.)
Not to mention my folks.
(Norma is trying to open a large jar.)
I wish you wouldn't put the top on so tight!
You rather have pickle juice on your back seat, Norma?
That summer, I had the profound revelation that my parents had suddenly become blithering idiots.
(Jack takes the jar from Norma, and tries unsucessfully to open it.)
Thing's on tighter than I thought.
Maybe if we beat it on the table.
(Norma bangs the jar upside down on the table. Jack frowns and flinches.)
Sometimes it was as if they were speaking a whole different language.
(Jack and Norma have a short conversation of several lines, apparently about the pickle jar, over-dubbed in a foreign language.)
You sure you don't want some of my trout, Jack? Plenty of it.
Hamburger's fine, thank you...Tomorrow I'll show you how to catch a real fish. (Smiles.) Right, Kev?
(Kevin snaps out of a daydream.)
Whatever.
All the family togetherness was more than my adolescent soul could take. What I needed was...a saviour.
(Wayne and Wart careen around through the campground. Wayne squeals to a stop, with the radio blasting. Parents look on with amazement. Wayne and Wart hop out. Wayne perfunctorily straightens clothes and hair, as his car gives a final shuddering backfire. Wayne approaches and grabs a hamburger.)
Sorry we're late.
You guys were supposed to be here three hours ago.
*
(Kevin and Paul are siing on the shore. Jack is fishing off the dock.)
The next day seemed to last about eleven centuries.
Kev? You want me to bait a hook for ya?
No thanks, Dad.
(Jack gestures, then returns to fishing.)
No matter how I tried, I couldn't get that girl off my mind.
*
(Jack and Kevin are walking toward lake, going fishing. Jack is loaded up with hip boots, nets and pails, and is whistling.)
The next day, I tried to be a good son to my dad. To my family.
Hey, Kevin!
(Jack and Kevin turn toward Cara, a girl Kevin met earlier. She is standing in front of her brother's truck, dressed in a red top, cut-offs, and hiking boots, and is smiling. Jack looks at Kevin. Kevin looks at Jack, then toward Cara.)
But somehow, something kept calling me away.
I gotta go, Dad.
(Kevin tries handing his fishing pole to Jack, who is puzzled, but leans it against him instead. Kevin runs up past the camera to Cara. Jack looks on, starts to say something, but stops in futility.)
*
(Ida has just found Paul's "Red Chief" condom in his wallet, and yelled for Alvin.)
I got one! I got one!
Guess you could call it a red-letter day.
(Jack is out in the water, and holds up a fish.)
Ha?
(Cut to the Arnold's and Wart at dinner in the cabin.)
Here we go!
(He places a cooked fish on an aluminum tray in the center of the table, and smiles.)
Eat up.
Fish turned out great, honey. Aren't you all proud of your father?
Yeah, we've got fish for days, hehehh.
Yeah, hehhh, we've got fish for days.
Of course I was more than glad to be there for Dad's moment of triumph.
(Kevin puts his napkin on his plate.)
Well, I gotta run.
Honey? Run where?
To the drive-in. You know, with Paul.
'Fraid not, honeybunch. The Pfeiffster's not going anywhere. Mr. Rubberhead's grounded for life.
Wayne!
Hnnnn...
Look, Mom, I just have something I have to do, OK?
Wait a minute! You know why I brought the whole family up here? Because I thought it might be nice for the whole family to spend a little time...together. I caught that fish so we could all enjoy it...together.
(Jack looks at Norma, and softens a little.)
And since this is our last night...I thought we'd spend it with each other...together.
But, Dad -
Kev! I mean it.
Part of me knew he was right. But another part of me knew something more.
(Kevin stands up.)
I can't stay, Dad.
Kevin - sit down!
Why?
Because I said so! And I'm your father.
There it was. My whole life, they'd been his final words.
I'm sorry. I'm goin'.
(Kevin picks up his jacket, looks at Jack, and exits.)

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(Ep 72 - "The Hardware Store")
So, how was work today?
My father had gotten me the job.
Work's work.
Old man's runnin' your tail off, huh? (Smiles.)
Kinda.
(Jack chuckles.)
For some reason, Dad seemed to find a certain humor in seeing his youngest child do time at hard labor. Come to think of it - so did my entire family.
So how was your day, hon-ey?
Shut up, butthead!
I think it sounds like fun - working in a store...meeting people, talking to customers...
Well...see, Mom, that's kind of the problem. No one -
Old Man Harris - he's one-of-a-kind. Nobody knows hardware like he does. Do you know, he sold me my first full set of tools I ever owned.
Yes. I do, Dad. But -
That was before either of you was even born.
Look! It's boring, it's hard work, and it's no fun, OK? OK?!
Just to set the record straight, here.
No fun?
Oh, no...
Who the hell ever said a job is supposed to be fun?
Well, I didn't mean -
Let me just give you a piece of advice. Listen to the old guy - pay attention. He just might teach you something.
*
Dad? I've been thinkin'.
Unh?
You work hard for your money, right?
Hnh.
So say you workin' somewhere, and you thought you deserved more. You'd do somethin' about it, right?
You betcha.
Even if it meant...makin' your boss mad?
A buck's a buck.
There. Sounded like a clear mandate to me.
Thinkin' about asking old man Harris for a raise?
Kinda...
Hnnhnh.
*
(Another morning, after Kevin has a nightmare about work. Kevin approaches Jack who is trying to fix a leaky faucet.)
Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?
I had to act...put this in perspective. Job-stress was getting me down.
Huh? Yeah, sure...Your mother and I were up half the night. This damn drip. What's up?
It's about Mr. Harris.
Yeah...I heard you got a raise. That's terrific.
Yeah...well...
(Jack grimaces as he tries to tighten the part.)
What's the matter?
Well, it came apart OK...Put in a new washer, and now I can't seem to get it to hold together. (Gestures.)
Where's your bib screw?
Huh?
You know - your bib screw. Probably fell down the drain. It happens all the time. They're easy to replace.
And the way he looked at me, for one second I almost felt good about...hardware.
You know, we sell bib screws down at Harris'.
Ah, that's OK. I'll probably shoot over to the mall.
The mall?
Well, it's closer...easier to park. Besides, you know the old man...If I stop in...(gestures)...he'll talk to me for hours, chewin' my ear off. I don't have that kind of time. You know what I mean.
I couldn't believe it. This man - "Mr. Listen-and-Learn" - was telling me, he didn't have time?
Sure, Dad. I know what you mean.
(They nod slightly at each other, and Kevin exits. Kevin pauses near the door and they look at each other.)
But I didn't.
(Kevin exits.)
I just didn't.

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(Ep 74 - "Full Moon Rising")

(In class, Kevin is trying to break a date with Cindy.)
Maybe I could take a rain-check?
Sure! That'd be great! (Smiles.)
Great! (Smiles.)
There. Artfully done. Now there was nothin' standing between me, the guys...
(Cut to evening in the living room. Jack puts on his jacket and sighs.)
And the open road.
Where're you goin'?
(Jack looks at his watch as he walks toward the window.)
Nothin' except...a little game of twenty questions.
We haven't decided yet.
Well, who's driving, honey?
No one. Well...Ricky Halsenbach.
Ohhhh yeahhhh....I know him.
Right! (Smiles.) You know Ricky!
(Kevin glances past Jack toward the window.)
He's that dopey-lookin' kid. He's an idiot.
Jack...
W-...come on, Dad - he's a very good driver.
I don't know about this.
(Ricky pulls up and over the curb into the front yard. Jack looks at Norma.)
He did really well on his driver's test.
(Ricky backs off the lawn into the street. Kevin swallows and looks worried.)
You should see this guy parallel-park.
Jack, we have to go. Just...don't forget - your curfew's at eleven, honey. (Smiles.)
(Sound of sqealing tires.)
I won't.
(Kevin smiles, and hurries off.)
Have a nice night!

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(Ep 75 - "Triangle")

(Wayne has his girlfriend over for dinner.)
So...how did you two meet?
Lemme tell. (Giggles.) I was running to class...and I tripped on the stairs, and I was falling, and all of a sudden...there was Wayne. (Smiles.)
Lucky me.
J&K: I'll say.
*
(Kevin is looking at himself in the mirror as a rooster cockadoodle-doos.)
The next morning I was feeling extremely guilty. I had kissed my brother's girlfriend. At the same time...I kept playing it over and over again in my mind. Sandy had just...
(Kevin closes his eyes and puckers up, then leans toward the mirror. Jack approaches and pauses in the doorway.)
Leaned over, and...
Ahem.
(Kevin opens his eyes, and looks at Jack.)
Uh...hi, Dad! (Smiles.)
Hi.
I-I was, just...(gestures)...uh...seeing if...you, uh...(nods)...making sure that, uh...I wasn't...(shrugs)...doing anything. (Smiles.)
(Jack smirks and nods.)
I didn't see anything.
Oh.
(Kevin looks off.)
One thing was clear...
(Kevin glances at Jack, then quickly steps forward.)
I couldn't handle this thing alone.
(Jack looks at Kevin, as Kevin passes him and exits, then looks off, growling, and shakes his head.)
*
(Kevin and Sandy have been making out around school.)
Sure, I knew it was wrong, but...I didn't care.
(Cut to dinner.)
Dad? Can I borrow a couple bucks?
Until that Friday.
Well, I'm takin' Sandy to the dance, tonight.
Oh...(Nods.)
Things were getting a little complicated.
Are you going, Kevin?
To put it mildly.
Are you kidding? Butthead can't get a date. (Laughs.)
(Wayne looks at Kevin and winks.)
Yeah...I'm goin'.
Oh, well that's good. Maybe you'll meet someone there. (Smiles.)
If only she knew.
You know...your father and I met at a school dance. Do you remember that, Jack? (Smiles.)
Uh-huh...(Smiles.)
It was the last time you talked to Dick Claiborne.
Great. I'm stuck in this terrible situation...and my mother is gonna relive old times.
He was your father's best friend. (Nods.) Dick took me to the dance...but I saw your father there.
(Jack looks off and smiles slightly.)
Of course I had seen him before, but...he was in a new suit. Skinny as a rail.
(Kevin and Wayne look at each other and chuckle.)
Anyway...they had this terrible fight over me, and...they haven't talked since. (Smiles.)
So? (Shrugs.)
(Jack looks toward Wayne.)
So...it was worth it.
(He looks at Norma and winks.)
And for some reason...suddenly, I was listening. Had he really said that?
(Shot of Jack. Special effect of the film rewinding, then playing forward. Jack's voice is distorted very low.)
So...it was worth it.
He had. And as those words rang in my head like a gong...I made up my mind.

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(Ep 76 - "Soccer")

(At dinner.)
Soccer? Is that where they use the brooms to sweep in front of the little...thingy?
That's curling, Mom. Soccer's where...little boys chase the ball around in shorts and knee-socks.
Shut up, butthead!
Well, I'm very proud of you, honey.
Thanks, Mom.
Who's coachin'?
Uh, nobody.
Nobody?
Well, just some old guy named McIntyre.
McIntyre. (Frowns.) Pops McIntyre? (Smiles.)
You know him?
Huh. (Chuckles.) He was only the greatest football coach the school ever had.
Really?
Sure. The guy was a legend. Yeah, that guy was one hell of a coach. They called him "the bear". (Smiles.)
Hmmm. Hard to believe the man my father was talking about was the same Pops McIntyre.
The bear...always pacin', always growlin'...he never sat down. (Smiles.)

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(Ep 77 - "Dinner Out")

(Home movie of a birthday party in the back yard for Jack.)
My dad was always a sucker for birthdays. Every year, he loved the ritual. The attention. The cake. Heck, we all loved the cake. But most of all...Dad loved our gifts. No matter what we gave him...it was his moment of glory. His time in the sun.
(Karen puts a cardboard crown on Jack's head, then hugs him around the neck.)
His chance...
(Jack holds the crown up and looks at it, then puts it back on.)
To be king for a day.
(He kisses Karen on the cheek. Fade to the kitchen. Jack looks off and frowns.)
Unfortunately by birthday-time, nineteen-seventy-one...
(He is trying to cut some meat with his knife.)
The king wasn't looking so...
(Wayne burps, and the others look at him.)
Kingly.
Sorry. (Smiles.)
(Jack frowns at Wayne.)
Maybe it was because he was about to turn forty-three in a week. Maybe it was the day-to-day irritations. Maybe it was something else.
Jack? I spoke to Karen today. (Smiles.)
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, she just wanted to know how we're all doing. (Smiles.)
We're doing fine.
And she mentioned that she and...
(Jack looks forward.)
I don't want to talk about it.
Face it. For the past six months, ever since he'd found out my sister was co-habitating without benefit of clergy...
(Jack opens his mouth wide as he puts a piece of meat in it.)
Dad had become kinda...
(He chews a few times and shrugs.)
Monosyllabic.
(He sighs.)
We, of course, did our best to humor the big guy.
So, Dad...(smiles)...who do you think's gonna be in the superbowl this year?
(Jack frowns at Kevin as he cuts some meat.)
I don't get it. I mean, what's the big deal? Just because she's shacking up...with some guy. (Frowns.)
(Jack looks up from his plate and growls at Wayne.)
Jack...maybe if you just talk to her...
But no matter how hard we tried, there was just no mending the hole in our family.
(Jack glances at Norma, then looks forward.)
I don't...wanna talk about it.
*
(Kevin is shopping for a present for Jack. The saleswoman suggested socks.)
Well...no...you see, I wanted to get him somethin', you know...better. (Frowns.)
Well, that shouldn't be too hard. Why don't you tell me a little bit about him?
Well...he's my dad. (Smiles.) And, uh...
Let's see now.
Well, he-he's sort of...well, he's kinda like...(Smiles.)
Trouble was...how do you put a man like that into words.
(Cut to the kitchen. Jack is lying on his back, with his head and shoulders under the sink cabinet. A bucket is nearby, and Kevin is standing next to him. Sound of banging metal.)
Damn.
That was one way.
Dad?
What?!
What do you want for your birthday? (Smiles.)
Figured maybe I'd get an insight, here.
(Jack raises his open hand.)
Screwdriver.
Or maybe not.
(Kevin hands Jack a screwdriver.)
I mean...is there somethin' you might really need, but...no one ever gotcha? (Smiles.) You know, somethin' really...
No!
Oh.
(Jack sits up, frowning, looks at the "U"-shaped pipe, then looks at Kevin.)
Great.(Frowns.)
(Jack holds the pipe up and looks in it.)
It's all I needed. Whole place is comin' apart in my hands.
(He frowns, then digs in the end of the pipe with the screwdriver.)
The thing is, I'd never seen the guy so down in the dumps. Someone was gonna have to do something...and fast.
(Norma enters slowly from the dining room.)
Jack?
Heh?
And then...my mother did.
I've been thinking. About your party...(Nods.)
(Jack frowns and shakes his head.)
I don't want a party.
(He stands up.)
Fine, then. It won't be a party. (Gestures.) It'll be more like a...family get-together.
But if Mom thought she was gonna lead this horse to water...she picked the wrong horse.
Forget it, Norma. (Frowns.)
Yeah, come on, Mom. (Frowns.) He doesn't...
I know that Karen would love to come.
(Jack looks up from the sink.)
She would? (Frowns.)
I talked to her this morning.
And she said that...(nods)...that she'd like to come? (Frowns.)
Uh-hmmm. (Smiles.)
(Jack looks off.)
It was the first glimmer of a smile I'd seen on the guy in weeks.
She and Michael spoke, and...they thought they'd drive down here on Saturday, and...
What?!
(Jack looks angrily at Norma.)
Over my dead body! (Frowns.)
(Jack tosses the pipe down, then walks past Norma.)
But, honey...
No! I don't wanna talk about it!
(Jack heads toward the living room, where Wayne is watching TV. Norma follows him through the doorway.)
Listen to me, Jack!
(Jack pauses and turns toward Norma.)
She's our daughter! (Frowns.) How can you treat her like this?!
What about her?! (Frowns.) She's the one who moved in with that...
(Jack pauses and frowns heavily.)
Hmmm.
That...
Cad? Cradle robber?
She wants to come to your birthday, Jack. (Gestures.)
Not with that guy! (Points.) Not in my house! (Frowns.)
And there it was. Dad's final proclamation. End of discussion. There was nothing left to say, except...
(Wayne looks toward them and gestures.)
So why don't we go someplace else? (Frowns.)
Huh?
It may have been the most inspired moment of Wayne's long and abysmal adolescence.
Well...yeah! You know, like a...a restaurant.
(Jack looks at Kevin, then down.)
A restaurant...
And sudenly, Dad had been caught dead to rights.
What do you think, honey?
In one fell swoop...the great wall of protocol had been smashed. What else could the old man say, other than...
(Jack quickly looks toward Norma and Kevin.)
Who gets to pick the restaurant? (Frowns.)
You.
You do. (Nods.)
(Jack looks off.)
Oh.
(He shrugs slightly. Cut to outside a restaurant.)
The Briarcliff Lodge. Our very own demilitarized zone.
Not bad...
(Kevin takes out his wallet and checks the money.)
As for me...I'd decided on a surprise gift for Dad. I was gonna blow the proceeds from my summer on dinner for the whole family.
(Wayne approaches behind Kevin and looks over Kevin's shoulder.)
Assuming it didn't get stolen.
(Wayne reaches around Kevin, who turns toward him.)
Get outta here! (Frowns.)
(Wayne smiles and laughs.)
Well...(shrugs)...shall we go in? (Smiles.)
(Jack nods, and they head toward the door.)
Yep. All that remained was awaiting the arrival of loved-ones and friends.
(Sound of a motorcycle. The group pauses, and they look over their shoulders as Michael and Karen pull up.)
Or, the Hell's Angels. Which ever came first.
(Michael sets his helmet on the handlebar, and looks at the Arnold's.)
Hi. Sorry we're late.
They couldn't come in a car?
They don't have a car. (Frowns.)
(Karen and Michael approach.)
Hi, Dad.
(Jack growls.)
Hey, Mr. Arnold.
(Jack holds his hands together as Michael holds his out toward him. Michael pauses, then Norma shakes his hand.)

*
(The maitre d' did not find Norma's reservation.)
This bozo was playing Mom for all she was worth. And the birthday boy was getting antsy.
(Jack clears his throat impatiently.)
There a problem, Norma?
Uh, no, honey...everything's fine. (Smiles.)
*
(Kevin has tipped the maitre d' a dollar to get a good table. It is small, with wooden chairs.)
Well...(nods)...this is...(gestures)...nice.
Yeah.
Yeah...
So, where do we sit?
Well, let me see, uh...(frowns)...how about...(shrugs)...boy-girl, boy-girl? (Smiles.)
There. Sound thinking.
(Jack sits in a chair and grunts, then looks toward Norma, slightly startled.)
What a plan. Boy.
(The camera passes Karen.)
Girl.
(The camera passes Wayne.)
Boy.
(The camera passes Norma.)
Girl.
(The camera passes Kevin.)
Boy.
(The passes Michael.)
Boy.
(The camera pauses on Jack.)
Whoa, boy.
(Jack glances toward Michael, who looks off.)
Leading to one unmistakable conclusion.
Guess we ran out of girls, huh? (Smiles.)
(Jack frowns and looks off.)
Yeah. That would be it.
(The waitress approaches.)
And how are we all this evening? (Smiles.)
If only she only.
Can I get you folks a drink?
Uh, yeah! I'll have a double...
(Wayne smiles at Jack, then looks at the waitress.)
Scotch-rocks, with a twist. (Nods.)
(Jack looks at Wayne and frowns slightly. The waitress frowns at Wayne. Wayne looks toward Jack and points.)
For him. (Smiles.) Natch.
Oh...(Nods.)
If we could just see the menus, please.
Oh, our special tonight is a sixteen-ounce prime rib. (Smiles.)
(Jack looks at the waitress and raises his eyebrows.)
Prime rib, huh?
(He nods slightly and looks at his menu.)
Alright - this was the ticket. Mellow the guy out with a good old fashioned hunk o'...
Dead cow. (Frowns.)
(Jack frowns slightly at Karen as he closes his menu.)
Uh, Karen...
Well, that's what prime rib is, isn't it?
(Jack rolls his eyes.)
Cow flesh?
(Karen frowns at the waitress.)
How many innocent beasts had to be slaughtered so we could have this meal?
I don't know, honey...(nods)...I just work here. I'll be back to take your orders. (Exits.)
Who chose this place, anyway?
Dad did. (Points.)
(Karen looks down and frowns, then looks toward Jack.)
Which left us about...
(Jack looks at Karen and smirks slightly.)
Oh, five seconds from meltdown.
(Kevin and Micake looks slightly uncomfortable.)
So, uh, Mr. Arnold...how are things at Norplant? Norcorp. Norfleet. (Frowns.) Nor...
(Sound of a timer clicking as Michael looks toward Karen, who mouthes "com".)
Com!
(Ding of the timer bell as Michael looks at Jack, who is looking forward and frowning. Jack glances sideways at Michael.)
Norcom! (Nods.) That's-that's where you work, right? How are things there?
(Jack nods slightly and frowns heavily at Michael.)
Work's work.
And, back to me.
Well, uh...I have to go to the bathroom.
Yeah, me too.
*
(In the rest room.)
If I could just figure out how to talk to the guy. What's he interested in? I mean...(frowns)...besides murder.
So I searched my brain for that one elusive universal language that could somehow forge a bond between men.
What about golf? (Smiles.)
(Cut to the salad bar.)
Golf? (Nods.)
(Jack takes a bite of a carrot stick.)
Sure - Dad loved golf.
(Kevin and Michael glance at each other.)
Uh-huh.
My short game's crap, my putting's gone to pot, and last weekend I lost twelve bucks on a three-man Nassau. I hate...golf.
*
(At the table.)
Why don't we all give your father his gifts. (Smiles.)
(Jack looks at Norma, and shakes his head and frowns.)
Ah, Norma, I don't...
Don't be silly, Jack - it's your birthday. You have to have presents. (Smiles.)
(Jack looks down as he raises his eyebrows and sighs.)
Well...it was worth a try, anyway.
(Wayne hands Jack a manila envelope. Jack pulls out a colorful op-art designed tie.)
Sorry I didn't have time to wrap it, but uh...(frowns)...it's really cool, huh? (Nods.)
Thanks.
(He nods and frowns slightly.)
Fortunately...as it turned out...the evening didn't hinge on Wayne's taste in haberdashery.
(Norma stands next to Jack and hands him a flat rectangular present.)
Go on - open it.
(Jack opens the present. It is a brown photo album. He opens the cover. A small note is on the page.)
November sixth, nineteen-twenty-seven. Forty-three years ago, today. (Smiles.)
Where did you get this? (Smiles.)
I asked your father if he had any old pictures of you. He gave me a box your mother left in the attic.
(Jack turns a page.)
My birth certificate? Look at the tiny little footprints. Huh - they're smaller than my thumbs. (Smiles.)
(Jack chuckles and smiles toward Karen as he tilts the album toward her.)
See?
And that's when it happened. For the first time that night, you could feel something between us. Something real.
Here you are at your college graduation. (Points.) And here you are, leaving for Korea.
(She puts her hand on Jack's chest, and looks at Karen.)
Isn't he handsome in his uniform? (Points.)
(Norma turns another page and giggles. The page has a black-and-white photo of Jack and Norma. She is pregnant.)
Oh, look at me...(laughs)...I'm as big as a house. That was a week before Karen was born. You remember what you said to me when I called you from the hospital?
Yeah. I remember. I said, "I hope it's a girl."
In that moment...almost from out of nowhere...we were drawn together again.
(Wide shot of all.)
Oh...here's the whole family. (Smiles.) That was a long time ago, huh? (Smiles.)
It was the family we remembered. The family we loved. The family we'd once been.
Here. Open mine next, Daddy.
(She hands a red-wrapped present to Jack.)
Oh...
(Jack flips a small latch, and opens it.)
A ratchet set! (Smiles.) I could really use this. Thank you!
(Karen reaches across the table and puts her hand on Michael's.)
It was Michael's idea. (Smiles.)
Guess you say it was kind of the high point of the evening.
(Jack flips the lid closed.)
Thanks.
(He puts it down, then frowns and rubs his ear.)
Well, gee, Dad - don't get all choked up about it. (Frowns.)
I said "thank you".
Did you see what he just did? (Gestures.) Mom, did you just see?
Honey...(Frowns.)
Come on, Karen, give the guy a break - it's his birthday.
Hey, when I need your help, I'll ask for it.
Look, I was just trying to ease the -
You've done enough, dammit. (Frowns.)
(Karen stands up.)
That's it.
(She tosses her napkin down.)
I'm leaving.
Karen!
You know...I-I don't know why I thought tonight would be any different. (Frowns.) Come on, Michael - we're out of here.
(Jack scoots his chair back and stands up.)
No. You're not out of here.
(He tosses his napkin down.)
We're out of here. (Frowns.)
(He reaches for his wallet.)
Where's the check? (Frowns.)
It was horrible.
No, wait a minute, Dad - I was gonna pay...
(Jack tosses some bills down and walks off.)
*
(Later that night, Kevin is sitting on the couch.)
That night I sat and looked at old photos of my dad. The things he'd done. His life and times. Maybe I was searching for some way to make things better. But somehow I knew...
(Fade to the kitchen. Jack is sitting at the table, as he takes a sip from his coffee cup and looks down.)
It wasn't up to me to set this right.
(Kevin hears a motorcycle pull up, and walks to the dining room doorway. Kevin approaches and pauses. Sound of knocking. Jack opens the kitchen door and Karen looks in.)
Hi.
(Jack sighs.)
Daddy, can we talk?
I think I'd like that.
(He nods directionally.)
You comin' in?
I-I can't stay.
(Jack nods slightly.)
I know.
(He looks down.)
Not for long, anyway.
(Karen steps inside, looking down. They look at each other and smile slightly.)
I know.
Only, where to begin. (Smiles.)
I couldn't hear exactly what they said. But watching them...I finally knew what my father needed for his birthday. Not a funny tie, or a forty-seven dollar meal...or even a ratchet set. What he needed was...
Happy birthday.
(They hug.)
Was to know, deep down...
(Fade to more home movie of Jack's birthday, similar to the opening. Karen hugs Jack around the neck as he adjusts a cardboard crown on his head, then kisses Karen on the cheek.)
That she remembered what he remembered. And to feel...even for that briefest moment...
(Jack and Karen look at the camera. Jack points to himself and smiles.)
Like king for a day.
(Jack kisses Karen on the cheek, and she kisses him back.)

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(Ep 78 - "Christmas Party")

(Series of slides play. Sound of people talking and laughing, and clinking glasses, plays in the background. Music "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" - Brenda Lee plays.)
Every year when I was a kid, my parents threw a Christmas party. Everybody in the neighborhood came. Dad played the "big cheese"...Mom played "Donna Reed". And a really stupid time was had by all. It was a time when hopes were high. When the neighborhood was young. It was fun, before fun got so...complicated.
(Fade to dinner in the kitchen. Close shot of a TV-dinner tray in Norma's oven-mitted hand, as she approaches the camera.)
Before life got so...
(The camera pans as she places the tray on the table in front of Jack's stomach.)
Voila!
(Shot of Jack's knife and fork as he starts to cut the food, and pauses. The camera pans up to Jack's face. He looks down, dumbfounded.)
Simple.
What's this?
Salisbury steak.
(Norma holds up the box and smiles.)
See?
(Jack glances down.)
Oh...
By December of 1971...
(Norma sets a TV-dinner on front of Kevin and Wayne.)
My family was afloat in the conveniences of modern life.
(Norma returns to the kitchen.)
Whether we liked it or not.
Hey, Mom? What happened to, ya know, like...dinner?
Oh, well, with classes today...I didn't get home in time to cook. So, I stopped by the market to pick these up.
(Norma smiles, then frowns, as she sits down.)
Why? Is anything wrong?
(Jack turns to her and smiles.)
No.
(He shakes his head and looks down.)
After all...Mom was goin' to college part-time, now. She deserved our support. As for Dad...
So how was work today, honey?
Lousy.
Well, Dad was Dad.
Jack - you think you could help me with the party invitations this weekend?
Me?
Yeah, I have a mid-term on Monday - I've gotta study.
Well...But, I gotta go to the off -
We gotta get that coffee urn out of the garage. And I'm not sure that it's still working...so, maybe you could check it for rust?
I'll take a look.
Mom? Dad? You sure you want to have this...Christmas party this year?
Course, I was just an ignorant teen-ager. But it seemed to me this was a bad time to be throwing a neighborhood bash.>
Don't be silly, honey!
(Norma gestures and smiles.)
Of course were having the party!
Why? (Frowns.)
(Everyone pauses and looks at Wayne.)
Well...
(She glances toward Jack, then back toward Wayne, and gestures.)
Because we always have a party. Isn't that right, Jack? (Smiles.)
(Jack smiles half-heartedly at Norma and chuckles, then glances toward Kevin and Wayne. He looks forward as he puts a forkful in his mouth, and sighs.)
And there ya had it. Come yuletide, high-water, or Salisbury steak...the annual Arnold Christmas shindig lived on.
(Cut to outside as Kevin is untangling Christmas lights. Jack is up a ladder.)
Hurry up with those lights.
Not that I hated parties, you understand. What I hated was...
Watch it, Kevin! Hah?
Helping out.
Those bulbs cost me thirty-two cents apiece!
Right, Dad.
Every year, for two weeks before the big night...Dad roped us into something akin to indentured servitude. Kinda like...elves.
Dad? Do I have to stand here?
No! You can go sweep off the driveway...(Gestures.) And hose out those ice-buckets for spiders. I don't want you guys to run out of ice Saturday night. Got that?
It was humiliating.
You know, uh, Dad...I've been thinking, you know, maybe I...(shrugs)...wouldn't come to the party this year.
Yeah, me too.
What do you mean not come to the party?
Well, I don't want to hang out with your friends. I've got my own life.
Me, too!
You know, I'm not a little kid anymore. I could be a father.
Me, too!
(Jack looks over his shoulder and frowns at Kevin. Kevin shrugs and smiles slightly.)
But even iron-clad logic couldn't alter one unescapable fact.
(Kevin looks toward the street as a Cadillac pulls up and honks.)
The neighbors.
Heh-heh. Hey, Jack! Gettin' ready for the big shindig?
Sure am!
That was Ed Ermin. King of lawn-care. Biggest wheel on the block.
The whole damn neighborhood's lookin' forward to this party, you know! Wouldn't be the holidays without a night at the Arnold's!
You bet!
Ya-ha-ha. Seeya later, OK?!
(The car pulls away.)
Yeah. You bet.
So, Dad?
What!?
About the party? What do you say? (Smiles.)
Make sure there's ice.
*
(Another day at the market. Jack holds up a liter-size bottle of wine, and frowns.)
I don't believe it. Four bucks.
Meanwhile, my father was on a vigil of his own.
(Jack sets the bottle down and walks across the store.)
Four bucks for a lousy bottle of wine...
(Jack approaches a salesman, who turns around.)
Need any help?
My wife wants me to buy a bottle of white wine.
Ah, well, we've got Sauvignon Blanc, Chardonnay, Chablis, Peignot Chardonnay, Reisling, Fumin Blanc...
(The saleman pauses. Jack points.)
I'll take the one with the handle.
(The saleman frowns as Jack picks up a bottle, looks at it, and nods.)
Thanks.
(Jack approaches Kevin and Wayne.)
Doesn't anyone drink Scotch, anymore?
(Jack puts the bottle in the cart, and pushes it away. Kevin and Wayne watch him walk away.)
While Dad was pondering economics, we were plotting our escape.
Who's gonna talk to him?
You. (Smiles.)
Me?! You talk to him, butthead.
OK, I will! (Gestures.) I'll handle this. (Frowns.)
Wait a minute...
(Kevin follows after Wayne.)
Wayne? Wayne - no - I'll talk to him.
(Jack is at the cashier, and pulls out his wallet.)
After all, we were hittin' Dad where he lived. This was gonna require tact...timing...diplomacy.
Dad? Um, we were thing about the party...and...we've decided that -
We wanna get paid.
Paid?
Yeah - for the work we're gonna do at the party. (Frowns.)
Paid...Fine! You wanna get paid?! (Frowns.)
(Jack slaps the change - three cents - into Kevin's hand.)
There! Split it up. (Exits.)
(Cut to evening in the living room. Wayne hands Kevin an ornament, and Kevin attaches it to the Christmas tree.)
As the party got nearer, two things became obvious.
(Jack is sitting on the couch, frowning at the plug on the coffee-maker.)
Shoulda kept the manual.
(Jack holds the coffee-maker and strains while "fixing" it.)
One...the old coffee-maker wasn't working. And two...the elves were getting restless.
Hand me the manger, idiot!
No thanks.
Wayne? (Frowns.)
I'm on a break. (Smiles.)
Your brain's on break.
Shut up, dork.
(Jack frowns at the coffee-maker.)
Honey? I just spoke to Ida. The Pfeiffer's won't be able to make it.
(Jack turns over his shoulder and looks at Norma.)
Alvin has to visit his mother in Florida. And I ran into Joyce Medrakis. They won't be able to make it, either.
(Jack fiddles with the plug.)
Jack...maybe...having this party wasn't such a good idea after all.
And then that's when the first faint glimmer of hope appeared.
I mean we're so busy. Karen won't be able to make it, anyway.
Maybe you're right.
And just for a second...it seemed we might actually get out of this wing-ding.
(Jack smiles slightly as he spins the plug slowly.)
Remember when we first got this?
With the green-stamps? (Smiles.)
(Jack chuckles and glances at Norma. She laughs.)
Just for a second, though.
Oh, no...
You remember the kids in the kitchen...pasting those things into the book...(Smiles.)
(Norma looks toward the boys and laughs a little. Jack smiles.)
Wayne always got 'em stuck on his elbow.
They were so cute...
Seems like yesterday.
"Seemed like yesterday". Those dreaded three words could only mean one thing.
Norma?
(Jack holds the plug up and looks at it.)
I think I can get this to work.
Wayne and I...
(Jack leans over to plug in the coffee-maker.)
Were doomed.
(Jack inserts the plug and sparks fly.)


*
(Later, as the party is just beginning. Norma is in the kitchen. Kevin and Wayne are at the table. Jack is at the dining room cabinet.)
Party night. And my parents, through some miracle of modern science, had managed to pull it off.
Jack? Hurry up!
Norma! Where's my shot-glass?!
Oh, it's in the hutch! (Gestures.)
It's not in the hutch!
(Jack enters the kitchen.)
Oh, there it is on the stove.
(Norma and Jack bump into each other.)
Even if they did seem a little ragged around the edges.
(They pull apart. Norma sighs, Jack gestures.)
We, on the other hand, were just...happy to be there.
So! Dad?
(Wayne picks up a drink-mixer and shakes it.)
How dry do you want your Martinis tonight, ah?
Just crack the ice!
Nice try!
Still, for all their hard work and preparation...the host and hostess...weren't exactly brimming with cheer.
Oh, no...! This ambrosia's all runny...and there aren't any raisins in it. That's not how I woulda made it - I woulda made it with raisins in it.
(Norma picks up the bowl and turns toward Jack. Jack pauses and frowns at Norma, then the bowl.)
It was almost as if they had lost sight of why they were throwing this bash in the first place.
(Sound of the doorbell. Jack and Norma looking up from the bowl, to each other.)


*
(Later, the party is happenin'. Jack approaches Lou, an old friend.)
Lou, old duffer! (Smiles.)
And, for a while, anyway...things went on like they always had.
Jack!
How's the short-game?
Just great! (Gestures.) I sank a putt last weekend - would have made you weep!
(Jack chuckles as Kevin approaches with hors d'oeuvres on a plate. Lou turns to take one.)
Oh...
Uh...ya need a drink to go with that? Lemme, lemme mix ya one.
Well, actually, Jack, I don't drink anymore.
(Jack pauses in mid-smile.)
Yeah, I've been dry for five months!
No kiddin'...
Nope - I feel like a million bucks. Look at this. I lost four inches. Say, uh...you got any carrot juice?
(Jack looks off and shrugs slightly.)
I'll look. (Exits.)
*
(Later, another guest shows up.)
Dad's old war-buddy, Bill Foster.
(Jack approaches.)
Bill, you old...
(Jack and Bill stick their hands out to shake, as a younger woman follows Bill in.)
No party was complete...
(Jack and Norma smile. Jack has his hand out as they glance toward the woman.)
Without Bill and Marsha. Or, in this case...
(Jack and Norma's smiles fade. Jack still has his hand out. Wayne peeks around Jack.)
Bill and a woman half his age.
Oh, uh...Jack? Norma? (Gestures.) This is Carol.
(Jack and Norma frown. Jack still has his hand out. Wayne ogles the woman.)
Obviously, this was a ticklish situation.
Where the hell is Marsha?
Wh - has it been that long? Y-you know Marsha and I split. In April.
(Norma smiles awkwardly.)
Of course...!
Here.
(Marsha holds up a bakery box.)
This is for you. (Smiles.)
(Wayne reaches out toward the woman and sighs.)
Uh-huh. And a partridge in a pear tree.
(Jack steps in front of Wayne, frowning, as Norma frowns at Wayne.)
*
(Later, Mr. Ermin approaches Kevin in the kitchen.)
Oh! Say! Has your father finished off that basement, yet? (Smiles.)
Huh? (Frowns.)
(Mr. Ermin moves toward the basement stairs.)
Uh, I'm gonna go take a look at this, 'kay?
(Mr. Ermin waves and exits toward the basement.)
The strange thing was, Dad had finished off that basement fourteen years ago.
(Kevin resumes putting cheeze-whiz on crackers as Norma enters, followed by Jack.)
We need more chips.
Oh, in the cabinet, honey.
But it seemed there was more going on here, than just chips and dip.
Carol seems very, uh...nice.
(Jack frowns at Norma as they cross the kitchen in opposite directions.)
I don't want to talk about it!
I mean, she's very, uh...sophisticated! (Shrugs.) For her age.
(Jack frowns as he pulls a bag of chips from the cabinet, and turns toward Norma.)
"For her age"?! "For her age"?!
(Carol enters and pauses at the dining room doorway, holdong a cup. Jack and Norma don't notice her.)
Uh-oh.
Uh, Dad? (Gestures.)
Norma, for God's sake! The guy's old enough to be her father!
Hhmm!
(Carol touches her throat and looks toward Jack. Norma and Jack frown as they look at her.)
Um...I'm afraid something may be wrong with your urn. (Smiles.) This coffee's a little chilly.
(Jack with his tongue in his cheek, looks toward Carol.)
And I suppose, there was really only one thing to say.
(Norma is still a little stunned.)
I have an idea! Let's play Twister!
(Norma looks at Jack.)
*
(Later, Kevin and Wayne head to the basement, and find Mr. Ermin smoking marijuana. Jack approaches down the stairs.)
Wayne? Kevin? What the hell's goin' on down here? Smells like a mattress is burnin'.
(Jack looks toward Mr. Ermin and frowns. Mr. Ermin looks embarrassed.)
Jah-ah-ah-ah, I - I...
(Mr. Ermin raises his eggnog.)
Hey, hey, Jack...! The boys and I were, were...we were just chatting about, uh...
(Kevin looks at Wayne, as Wayne giggles. Jack takes a step down.)
About, uh...uh...
(A seed in the roach pops.)
Ouch! Ouch!
(Mr. Ermin drops the roach and puts his finger in his mouth.)
Mmmm!
(Mr. Ermin steps on the roach with his toe. Norma approaches down the stairs.)
Jack? (Sniffs.) Ho-ney? (Sniffs.) What's that -
(She pauses, then glances open-mouthed at Jack, then toward Mr. Ermin.)
And then came the dawn. After years of sowing it, growing it, and mowing it...Mr. Ermin, king of lawn-care...had decided to smoke it. In our basement.
Oh...!
Wayne. Kevin. Go to the garage and get some sodas.
Why? (Frowns.)
Because I said so.
(Wayne exits. Norma motions Kevin out.)
And the rest...is history.
(Jack frowns at Mr. Ermin and descends the stairs.)
*
(In the garage getting soda, Kevin and Wayne hear Jack and Norma outside.)
S'matter with you?
Nothing, OK?
But there was something wrong. I knew it, Wayne knew it...
I'm just saying, you could have handled it a little better.
Better? How was I supposed to handle it better?! Tell me.
You simply could have asked him to leave.
Maybe Mom and Dad knew it, too.
You've known him for twenty years, Jack.
(Kevin and Wayne peek around the doorway.)
Then he shouldn't have done somethin' so stupid!
No - you should not have pushed him all the way up the stairs - he could have gotten hurt!
The guy's a jerk!
No - the man is a friend!
Look, Norma! It was not my idea to have this damn party in the first place!
Now it's my fault?!
No, it -
(Kevin and Wayne fall forward as they jockey for position, and a bunch of stuff clatters to the ground. Jack and Norma turn toward the sound. Kevin and Wayne pop up, as a hubcap rattles to a stop.)
Hi, Dad! (Smiles.)
Hi, Mom! (Smiles.)
(Jack jerks his head.)
Get outta here.
(Jack turns away.)
What?
(Jack waves his hand.)
Go to the store and get some soda.
(Jack looks down as he pulls out his wallet.)
We got sodas in the garage! (Gestures.)
Then go get more.
*
(Kevin and Wayne return from the soda run. All the house is dark.)
I wasn't sure what to expect - chaos...mayhem...
(They enter. Norma and Jack are on the couch, alone, watching the fire in the fire-place, listening to Mel Torme.)
Or, maybe, two love-birds on a couch.
Ahem! We got some soda.
Thanks, honey. (Smiles.)
Well, I'll just...put 'em in the 'fridge. (Exits.)
In a way, it was crazy. There they sat - amidst the wreckage of a party gone wrong...and they didn't seem to care.
Mom? Dad? Sorry about what happened.
Oh, it's OK, honey.
Maybe it'll be better next year.
Maybe...
Uh...I guess I better clean up.
Oh...let it wait till tomorrow.
(Jack puts an arm around Norma. She smiles and settles back.)
And I guess that's when I understood.
(Kevin smiles slightly, and starts to walk toward the hallway.)
For Mom and Dad, the party hadn't been a disaster. For as much as things were changing all around them...
(Kevin pauses in the doorway, and looks back at Jack and Norma.)
What Jack and Norma had - what drew people to their house every Christmas for sixteen years...was still the same.
(Jack has his arms around Norma on the couch.)
The thing they started out with. The one they'd never lose.
(Cut to Kevin's bedroom s Kevin flops onto his bed.)
My parents never did throw another Christmas bash. And that was OK - I guess. But I still think about those parties.
(Kevin smiles and looks toward the door.)
What they stood for.
(Shot of the crack of light under the door.)
The time before TV dinners and two-car families. And grass was green and we were young...
(The light brightens, as sounds of a party can be heard. The light reaches a little further into the room.)
And those nights when I'd lie awake in my bed...
(Shadows play across the light.)
Watching the light dance under my door.
(The camera slowly pans away from the door.)
And listening...for my father's laugh.
(The camera pans across a young Wayne sleeping in bed.)
Bill! Marsha!
(Sound of Jack laughing.)
Son of a gun...
(The camera pans across to a young Kevie sleeping in bed.)

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(Ep 79 - "Pfeiffer's Fortune")

(Jack is trying to fix the livingroom TV. Wayne and Kevin are on the couch. Sparks fly.)
Damn!
You OK, Dad?
Fine.
That was my dad. He had his own way of taking care of his family.
(Jack reaches for tools.)
More of the "do-it-yourself" approach. Of course, we tried to give him as much support as possible.
(Wayne looks at his watch and frowns.)
Hey! "Get Smart" starts in fifteen minutes. Maybe we should drop in on the Pfeiffer's.
After all, billionaire or not, he was the man we looked up to, and trusted.
(Norma approaches.)
Jack? Maybe we should call someone before you electricute yourself.
Everything's under control, Norma.
Hey! I got an idea. You should buy some land like old man Pfeiffster.
Shut up, butthead!
You shut up!
Wayne! Your father takes good care of us. Besides, I like this old TV.
Alvin's lucky he didn't lose his shirt. (Frowns.)
Yeah - instead he got a color TV.
But the fact was, when it came to high-finance, my dad was just more of a conservative man. A man of quiet wisdom.
(Jack holds up a vacuum tube.)
What the hell is this?
In short - a man of small parts.
(Cut to the lawnmower shop as a repairman examines Jack's lawnmower.)
Whatcha do to this thing?
(Jack glares at the repairman.)
I dropped it from the top of my house.
Gene's mower shop. The great suburban leveller.
Yeah - it's the carburetor.
How much?
Have to look it up, uh...I don't know if they make parts for these things anymore.
(Jack and Kevin look at each other as the repairman exits.)
Wiseguy.
Come on, Dad - let's take a look around.
Why not? In a world where male bonding was at a minimum...this place was a treasure-trove of guy things.
(Kevin and Jack cruise an aisle.)
Blowers...mulchers...four-pronged widgets. You could find almost anything here.
(Alvin sits on a large John Deere 70 mower and Paul stands next to it.)
There's the clutch.
Cool!
Including Al Pfeiffer on a tractor the size of a Sherman tank.
(Paul sees Jack and Kevin approaching.)
Dad...
Huh?
(Alvin sees Jack and Kevin.)
Jack! Hey there.
Alvin - what the hell are ya doin' on that thing? (Frowns.)
Just checkin' her out.
OK - nothin' wrong with that.
Lotta mower...(Smiles.)
You betcha.
(Everyone bends closer to examine the mower.)
Yep - we were sharing a time-honored tribal tradition here. Eating our guts out over a hunk of big-dollar technology no ordinary mortal could ever -
(A saleman approaches.)
OK, Mr. Pfeiffer! We'll have her wrapped up and delivered by this afternoon.
(Jack pauses.)
Uh-oh.
You bought it, Al?
Well, I figure you only live once. Right Jack? (Smiles.)
(The saleman smiles and looks at Jack.)
Oh - how about you sir? She's got eleven horses, a forty-seven inch cutting deck with reversible blades. Interested?
Now possibly this guy was new on the job.
Uh-uh.
Oh, come on, sir. You know what they say..."your neighbors will be green with envy". (Smiles.)
Or maybe he was just looking to start a neighborhood war.
I got a mower. A good one.
In any event...
(The saleman exits as the repairman returns, pushing Jack's squeaky mower.)
OK - I can fix it. But I can't promise it's gonna last longer than six weeks.
Fine.
OK...
(The repairman nods and starts to wheel the lawnmower back.)
We'll take it someplace else.
And at that moment, there was really only one thing to say.
(Kevin smiles at Paul.)
Nice talkin'.
Uh-huh.
(Cut to Jack and Kevin on the road.)
The thing is...it was only a stupid mower. Still, that afternoon...
(They drive past the Pfeiffer's house. Alvin is riding the mower in the front yard as his family watches.)
I couldn't shake the feeling that there was more at stake here than just...lawn care.
Show off.
*
(A truck labelled "Forrester Pools" passes the Arnold's house as Jack, Wayne and Kevin wax the car.)
Over the next few days, as the Pfeiffer's continued to parade their god-fortune, the Arnold community spirit began to run a little thin.
Now he's puttin' in a pool. (Gestures.) Can you believe that guy?
Why can't we have a pool?
You want a pool? (Frowns.) Start diggin'!
*
(Jack is trying to fix the kitchen TV during dinner. Earlier Alvin told Kevin that Jack could have invested with Alvin as well.)
Damn...
That's great, Dad. Now it matches the one in the living room.
I don't understand this. (Frowns.)
But Dad wasn't the only one feeling confused.
So how was your eye appointment today, honey?
Fine. Except...Mr. Pfeiffer said that -
Oh - that reminds me. Jack? Ida called today...she invited us all to the country club on Saturday.
Forget it - we're not going.
Why not?
Because. We got other things to do.
What other things? (Frowns.)
Things.
But Jack - it's just that...I already accepted. I-I thought it'd be fun, and we haven't spent -
I said...we're not going.
Of course we all knew what was going on here. So I guess it was up to me to put it all in perspective.
What's your problem, Dad? I mean, it's his money, isn't it? He earned it. He took the risk!
(Jack looks off.)
Looking back, it was one of those moments that makes you really, really proud to have been a smart-aleck kid.
*
(At the country club, Ida sees the Arnold's approaching and waves.)
Yoo-hoo! Over here!
Oh, brother.
Jack...
(Jack smiles woodenly and waves slightly.)
Let's get this over with.
Guess you could say, we were all in a festive mood.
(The Arnolds approach Ida.)
I'm so glad you could come!
(Norma and Ida kiss cheeks.)
Oh, it's lovely, here. Isn't it lovely Jack?
Where's Alvin?
Oh, he'll be joining us in a while. He had some business calls to make. Is anyone thirsty.
Sure.
No.
Great. (Frowns.)

*
(At lunch. Norma toasts Alvin's success.)
I guess human dignity can be a powerful force. Grace untrammelled can move mountains.
(Jack stands up.)
Congratulations, Alvin. I'm happy for you. (Smiles.)
(Alvin smiles slightly and looks down.)
Um-hmm.
Me, too.
And in that simple moment, with those simple gestures...you could feel a burden lift.
(Everyone clinks glasses.)
It was...wonderful.
(Alvin starts to cry.)
It was...horrible.
Al...honey?
It's gone.
What?
I said it's gone. The whole investment. The whole shebang.
Oh, God!
Not the beach, Dad!
Under water. All of it.

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(Ep 80 - "Road Test")

Fact! In the suburbs, a boy's first steps towards manhood start behind a lawnmower.
Hey, Kevin! You missed a patch.
Sorry, Dad.
Still for me, at sixteen, lawn care had given way to something much, much, more important - the driver's license. The thing that separates boys...
(Boy parks car, girl gets in and kisses him.)
Lucky stiff.
...from the men. And so on, and so forth...
Kev! Kev!! The hell are ya doin' there?
I was just...-
You're burning a hole in the yard!
Right, Dad!
And don't forget to put the mower away when you're finished.
OK, I will!
But the truth was, by the spring of tenth grade, it was time to put the mower in mothballs. Time to make the jump from two cylinders...(Drivers ed car.)...to real horsepower.
*



(Kevin is trying to park the driver's ed car. Alice is back-seat driving.)
He missed! Hah! (Laughs.)
Good, Arnold. Maybe the next time we can park the whole car. Heh-heh.

*
(Kevin is pushing the lawnmower into the garage.)
That weekend, for some reason, the old lawnmower felt kinda...good. Familiar. Not like...driving.
(Jack approaches.)
Kevin?
I know, I know - I'm putting it away. (Gestures.)
Nah, we gotta go pick up new shower doors. (Gestures.)
Oh...
Here! You drive.
(Jack tosses the car-keys to Kevin.)
Oh!
You got your driver's-test coming up. You wanna practice, don't you?
Sure, but, uh...
Course any other day I'd have jumped at the chance to hit the road in Dad's gas-guzzler, but -
I don't know, Dad. Maybe I'll just...(gestures)...stay here. (Smiles.)
What? Somethin' wrong?
No, it's just that...
I should've told him. I should've told him, but I didn't.
Never mind.
Then come on, let's go.
(Cut to residential street.)
I don't know, maybe I just needed some time to think it over.
Not bad...(Nods.) You're OK.
Thanks!
Or maybe I needed a little confidence-building from the big man. In any event, by the time we reached town, I was back on my game again. Ready for anything.
Why don't you pull her in over there? (Points.)
(Kevin looks at a row of cars around the corner on a commercial street. One car is pulling out.)
Yikes.
Go ahead, slip her in! (Gestures.)
Uh...Sure! I'm on it, Dad.
Of course this was no time to panic - I knew that. This was simple. Just a matter of wedging two tons of steel in a twelve-by-four parking space. Nothing to it. Nope, all I had to do was think it through calmly. Rationally. And that's when I made my fatal mistake. I thought about it a second too long.
Kev?
Huh?
What are you waiting for?
Uh...
(A car honks its horn.)
Nothing.
But as I sat there...completely paralyzed, I knew one thing. Only a miracle was gonna get me out of this now.
(Sound of a VW horn. The VW pulls into the parking space.)
Or...a 1970 Volkswagen Super-beetle.
What does that guy think he's doing? Didn't he see the blinker? The idiot shouldn't be allowed on the road!
Tell me about it.
Well then, just...go around. (Gestures.)
Sure, Dad. (Nods.)
But even though I escaped this time...the truth seemed clearer than ever. Instead of living life in the fast lane...I was doomed to spend the rest of mine...circling the block.
(Fade to the Arnold front yard. Kevin is mowing.)
Coming of age in suburbia - the ritual, the ceremony, the grandeur.
(The red Mustang pulls up across the street, and honks.)
For anybody who could parallel park anyway. With my driver's-test only a few days away...
Hey, Kevin! Don't forget to put that away!
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
It was beginning to seem like the only wheels I'd ever be in charge of would come with a leaf-bag and a mulch attachment.
*
(Norma and Jack give Kevin a cake, after he pretends to get his license.)
Congratulations, Kev! (Smiles.)
You did it honey! (Smiles.)
Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad. This is really - great.
It was horrible. I was a failure, and a liar - right in front of my family.
Well? Let's see it, butthead!
See what?
Your driver's license - where is it?
Uh...
You didn't lose it already, did ya?
No! No! I just...left it in my other pants. In my other wallet! Besides it's just a temporary.
I can't believe it. I can still remember your father teaching you to ride a bike. (Frowns.) And now you're driving! I guess I didn't expect you kids to grow up so fast.
(She makes a face, then looks at Jack and smiles. She pats Jack's head. They smile at Kevin.)
I couldn't believe it. My parents were getting spongy on me...washing away in sentimentality. So, there was only one thing to say.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
(Kevin stands up. Jack puts his hand up.)
Not...so...fast.
(Kevin sits down slowly.)
Yeah, Dad?
(Jack smiles at Norma, then pulls a small wrapped box from his pocket and holds it out.)
Here. Your mother and I got you something.
(Kevin takes the box and starts to unwrap it.)
You're gonna need these. (Smiles.) It's your own set of keys to the car.
Ah, Geez...
(Kevin looks at the keys uncomfortably.)
Thanks.
(Jack squeezes Kevin's shoulder.)
I'm proud of you, son. (Smiles.)
(Kevin smiles uncomfortably.)
Yee-ah.
(Cut to Kevin tossing and turning in bed.)
I couldn't get to sleep that night. I kept thinking about my future - I was going to grow up, go to college, raise a family, and be the only All-Pro quarterback who had to ride his bicycle to the Superbowl.
(V/O) I'm proud of you, son.
(V/O) I can't believe it.
(V/O) Your own set of keys to the car...
(V/O) You did it, honey.
(V/O) Your driver's license - where is it?
(V/O) Your turn, Bo-Peep.
(V/O) Proud of you son...proud of you son...
(Sound of sheep bah-ing. Kevin sits up suddenly and looks toward the window. Sound of a dog howling.)
And that's when I knew what I had to do. Like the young warrior cast out into the darkness of the jungle to prove his manhood...I was going to learn how to parallel park, the only way I knew how. Alone.
(Kevin starts Jack's car.)
This is it!
Sure, I was committing grand-theft auto. But there was a greater need here. I had to take the chance. And I had to do it now. And the path was clear ahead.
(Kevin noisily backs into the lawnmower.)
Or so I thought.
(Kevin gets out and gets the lawnmower from under the car.)
At that moment I hit rock bottom. I couldn't drive, I couldn't park, I couldn't even remember to put away my father's lawnmower. I didn't think I couldn't feel any worse.
(Sound of a door opening, and light shines on Kevin. He looks toward the house. Jack steps out in his bathrobe, frowning.)
Hey! Who's out there?!
Except then I did.
What the hell's going on here?!
I don't know how to park! I lied about my driver's license. I never took the test. Here. (Keys.) Take 'em. I don't want 'em.
And maybe in that moment, I learned something...about being a man.
Yeah, you do. Come on, let's go.
Where?
You gotta start somewhere.
And I learned it...from the guy who wrote the book.
(Jack is coaching Kevin.)
Little bit more - that's good! Awright...awright. Awright, now - straighten it out, straighten it out. Good! Good! Alright!
That night my Dad tought me a lot. How to parallel park...why you put away the lawnmower...And in some small way - what it takes to grow up. That Monday he took the afternoon off, and we went and got my license. He was so proud. And then he took it away - and grounded me for a month.

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(Ep 81 - "Grandpa's Car")

When I was a kid, anytime I needed a lift..there was my grandfather. The guy was always good for a ride. Sure, he was as old as the hills...but to me...Gramps was Hercules in bi-focals. Superman in suspenders. He was ageless...timeless...One man in a million. You could always count on him.
(Fade to Arnold kitchen.)
Where is he? He's late - again.
Not that everyone shared my view.
Probably just Friday traffic on the turnpike.
He said five o'clock. I come home early...you're making his lambchops - for him...
The lambchops will keep, Jack!
I know lambchops, Norma. (Points.) They dry out! And then he'll show up, and he'll start complaining...(gestures)...about dry lambchops.
It was kind of a ritual around our house. When Gramps visited, Mom cooked, Dad groused...and I...
Dad? Can I have the keys to the car, tonight?
I'd borrow the keys to the car.
I gotta go out - I'm pickin' up the guys.
What guys?
Dad?!
Oh, honey...aren't you gonna wait till your grandfather gets here?
Mom, he'll see me when I come back. OK?
Not that I wasn't anxious to swap boring stories with the old guy. It's just...
So, Dad - can I have 'em?
When you're sixteen, there are priorities.
Well...
(Jack looks down as he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the keys. Jack starts to put the keys in Kevin's hand, then pulls them back.)
Wait...a minute. (Frowns.) Where'd you say you were goin'?
Come on, Dad! Do I really have to answer that?
It didn't seem fair. The Spanish Inquisition for two lousy hours in a four-door sedan.
(Jack holds the keys toward Kevin.)
OK.
(The phone rings as Kevin reaches for the keys. Jack pulls them back.)
But be careful.
I will, Dad. (Nods.)
After all, I was a responsible driver...
(On the phone): Hello?
Good on turns...fair on parking.
(Kevin walks toward the living room.)
Kevin - wait.
Bad on exits.
(To Jack) It's your father.
Where is he?
The police station.
What the hell is he doin' at the police station?
He's had an accident. (Frowns.)
(Jack looks off. Sound of a police siren. Cut to police station. Albert and Jack walk hurriedly through a hallway, followed by Kevin.)
OK, let's get out of here!
Dad! What happened?
Absolutely nothing, John - now let's go find my car! (Gestures.)
One thing was clear, anyway. Gramps's accident had been something less than fatal.
(They exit throught the front door.)
What, ya hit somebody?
It was nothin' like that. (Gestures.) It was a little fender-bender...couldn't be avoided!
Wait a minute - wait a minute! Let me get this straight.
Just a minute. (Gestures.) The car was parked on the side of the road...(gestures)...I just nicked it as I went by. (Gestures.) That's all.
You hit a parked car?! (Frowns.)
John - don't start with me on this!
Dad, you -
John, the important thing is...(gestures)...nobody got hurt! Isn't that right, Kevin?!
Uh...
Good!
(Albert pats Kevin's shoulder and points.)
Now let's go find my car!
(Albert approaches Norma and a policeman talking near Albert's car.)
Oh, Albert! Are you alright?
Yes, I am, Norma.
(Albert looks at Jack, then back to Norma.)
And thank you...very much...for asking. Now, if we could all stop standing around, gawking...we might go home and have some dinner!
(The policeman taps Albert on the back.)
Just a minute, Mr. Arnold.
Huh?
(The cop takes the keys from Albert.)
What do you think you're doin'?
(The policeman gestures toward Jack.)
This your designated driver?
What?! (Frowns.)
The man's had three accidents in six months.
Hmmm. Seems there were one or two things Gramps had failed to mention to us.
Albert?
Now listen, sonny...(nods)...don't you have somethin' better to do than goin' around...(gestures)...harassing tax-payers?
You were driving on probation, sir. Probationary accidents result in the immediate suspension of driving privileges. I believe you were informed of that.
Well...(points)....just let me inform you of something. I have an Oldsmobile to drive here!
I'll drive, Gramps! (Smiles.)
After all...no sense letting a golden opportunity go to waste, here.
No you won't...(sighs)...I'll drive.
You most certainly will not! (Frowns.)
(Kevin turns to Jack.)
Well, fine...I'll drive your car, then.
You ride with your mother - we've had enough accidents for one day.
But, Dad! (Frowns.) I -
Kevin!
John!
Folks...don't forget to buckle up.
And there it was.
(The policeman puts the keys in Jack's hand, then walks toward the building.)
The final word.
(Albert points at the policeman.)
You can't do this, ya know!
(Cut to Arnold dining table.)
He can't do this, ya know.
Hell hath no fury like a grandfather scorned.
Dad? He can do it...He did it...It's done.
Come on, Albert. I made your lambchops just the way you like 'em. (Smiles.)
That cop wouldn't know a good driver if he got run over by one.
(Wayne looks at Albert.)
Honest, Gramps, I mean...did ya have the peddle to the metal? (Gestures.) Were you gunnin' it? (Gestures.)
What are ya talkin' about? Twenty-five miles an hour.
Twenty-five miles an hour, and you-you still hit the guy? (Frowns and laughs.)
You had to admit - it didn't really make sense.
Because he wasn't wearing his glasses. Am I right, Dad? You weren't wearing your driving glasses, were you?
They don't fit right, is the thing.
(Albert frowns and points at his ear.)
There's this cockamamy earpiece that don't work right. Besides, my eyes are just fine! (Frowns.)
Dad...earpiece or not...you're stuck. You don't have a license...(gestures)...so you can't drive a car...and that is that! (Gestures.) Do we understand each other?
It was a bitter pill. But there was nothing more Gramps could say. Except, of course...
Aren't lambchops supposed to be juicy?! (Frowns.)
(Norma looks at Albert, then hesitates and frowns. Jack leans back and hooks an arm over his chair. Cut to morning in the kitchen. Wayne and Kevin are eating cereal at the table. Jack paces. Norma's at the sink.)
He's gone. Again. I haven't seen anyone so stubborn in all my life.
Now, calm down, honey.
He behaves like a teenager. Where the hell did he go?!
(Albert enters quickly from outside, carrying a brown bag.)
Morning, people!
Albert?
Dad, where have you been?!
Ah, just out for a ride.
Dad - what the hell were you doing in the car?!
I was getting fresh-squeezed juice...and some eggs. I came down early this morning to make my famous waffles...couldn't find and egg in the house! (Smiles.)
Dammit, Dad. You're weren't supposed to drive - you don't have a license, and your eye-sight's shot!
What are you talkin' about? (Gestures.) I see like an owl. Here! Lemme show ya.
(Albert hurries over to Kevin with a box.)
Hold that. Hold it right there.
(Albert hurries back across the kitchen.)
Now. "Lulla May's great buttermilk-flavor pancakes and waffle mix...since 1917." And on the bottom..."seven cent coupon...inside."
It was amazing. A virtuoso display of visual pyrotechnics.
(Jack looks away, with his tongue in his cheek, then looks down.)
Now read a box...
(Jack looks at Albert.)
You haven't been buying for twenty-five years, Dad.
A box is a box, John.
Aw, this is ridiculous...(Frowns.)
Albert...It's just that we're worried about you.
Worried? (Frowns.) Well let me tell you something right now. You don't have to worry about me! (Nods.)
(Wayne looks down as he eats.)
Come on, Gramps - be reasonable...
You too, huh? Anybody else? (Frowns.)
I felt sorry for the guy. I wanted to say something, but...
(Kevin looks down. Albert frowns at Kevin.)
I see. (Nods.) Well, I can tell I'm on my own, here! (Nods.) Maybe I'll come back, when somebody appreciates me...and my waffles!
(Albert walks toward the living room.)
Just a minute, Dad - where are you going?
Home!
Now we all knew Gramps was bluffing.
(Cut to Kevin's bedroom.)
Problem was, he was also packing.
You're not drivin' home, Dad.
John...I am driving home.
You're not driving home!
And there it was again. The final word.
Fine. (Nods.) Let the boy drive me.
Aw, Gramps, I-I don't wanna...(Frowns.)
Not you...him!
Me? (Frowns.)
Kevin?!
He's got his license, doesn't he? That's what you need in this State to drive isn't it - a license? How about it, son? (Nods.) You want to drive your dottering old grampa home?
(Wayne looks at Kevin.)
And suddenly, I was trapped between a Gramps, and a hard place.
Sure! (Shrugs.) I guess I could.
Good. Let's get moving.
(Albert walks out.)
And from that point on, there was nothing left to say but...
(Jack looks at Norma and throws his hands up. Cut to the driveway.)
Drive carefully, honey.
OK, Mom. I will.

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(Ep 82 - "Kodachrome")

(At the dinner table. Jack is looking at Kevin's report card.)
"P". What the hell's a "P"?
Oh, I think it means "pass", honey.
(Jack frowns and looks at Norma in the kitchen.)
I can see it means "pass" - what I mean is where is his grade?
Well, see Dad, Miss Shaw doesn't -
(Norma brings some coffee.)
You know, they're starting to do this in a lot of the courses at the university.
Great. When he goes to a university...
(Jack looks at Kevin and gestures.)
On his own money...
(Jack looks at Norma.)
He can get a "P". But as long as I'm payin' taxes...
(Jack gestures, then looks at the report card.)
I want to see a grade. (Frowns.)
Hmmm. Seemed this plan wasn't playing so well in the hinterlands.
(Norma glances at Jack, then Kevin.)
Dad, I don't think you really understand.
(Jack looks at him and frowns.)
Oh, I don't?
Well, I mean... this isn't a math class. There are no...right or wrong answers.
(Jack looks at him.)
I mean, you can't grade people's thoughts. Or society'd turn into uh, an abyss of mediocrity. (Frowns.)
(Jack looks at him. Kevin pauses, then looks at Norma. Norma looks at Jack.)
Well, besides, it doesn't even matter what you think of me. It only matters what I think of me. (Smiles.)
(Jack looks at him.)
There!
(Jack looks off and nods slightly, then looks at Kevin.)
Philosophically speaking...you couldn't argue with that.
As long as you're living under my roof, you damn well better care what I think of you.
(Jack nods and smiles slightly, then tosses the report card toward Kevin.)
Right. (Smiles.)
(Wayne puts his hand on Kevin's, and waits for Kevin to look at him.)
I think you're swell. (Laughs and snorts.)
So much for philosophy.

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11/17/14 19:05