Chuck Coleman and/or Alice Pedermeir



(Ep 75 - "Triangle")

(Cafeteria line.)
It was true. While my worthless brother was hitting his stride, I seemed to be losing ground - and fast. For one thing, I was in a very serious dating-slump - I'm not sure why, exactly.
(Kevin and a girl look at each other.)
Hey! I'd watch out for those mashed potatoes! I bet there's a lot of parasites in 'em.
Creep!
Possibly, just possibly, it had something to do with my technique. Seemed the harder I tried, the worse things got.
(In the hallway, Kevin sees Alice at her locker.)
Batter up!
Hey, Alice! How ya doin'?
Hi, Kevin...
What's wrong?
My geometry teacher caught me cheating. I don't even think it is cheating!
Well, it's not!
You weren't there! (Frowns.)
Right! But, I bet it wasn't.
Instead of copying the notes from the book, I copied them from someone else's paper. It's not like I wrote the answer on my hand! What difference does it make who I copied from? Now my teacher's gonna tell my parents, and I'm gonna get an "F", and it's gonna be on my permanent record!
You wanna go to the dance with me on Friday?
Huh?
OK, my timing might have been a little off.
I'm sorry...I know you're upset and everything.
No, it's OK. I'd like to go with you.
Great!
But...Richard Rockman already asked me.
Oh. Yeah. Richard.
He's very sensitive.
The guy sniffed his gym socks.
Yeah. He's...real sensitive. Well, I hope you feel better.
Thanks.
(They start to walk off in opposite directions. Alice turns back.)
Kevin? Can I copy your history notes?

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 76 - "Soccer")

(Kevin goes to check out the soccer team.)
It was worth a look. But what I saw when I got there, was the biggest collection of dorks...
(Chuck is repeatedly bouncing the ball off his chest.)
Since my fourth-grade cotillion class, playing on a moth-eaten field that was half-way to grandma's house. This was definitely not for me.
(Kevin starts to turn away as Nick spots him.)
Hey, you! Glad you showed up. We're pioneering the uncharted universe here. (Smiles.)
Great.
Uh-huh.
But, uh...I don't think I really...(frowns)...fit in. (Shrugs.)
Why? I think you'd be great! And besides...(gestures)...we're one guy short! (Smiles.)
Yeah. Well...thanks for telling me about it, anyway. (Smiles.)
(Nick heads back.)
Hey, being on a team was one thing. But...playing with these jokers?
(A ball rolls toward Kevin. Chuck is in the background.)
Hey! A little help?
(Kevin stops the ball with his foot.)
Kick it back!
(Kevin kicks it back. Chuck picks it up.)
Wow. (Smiles.) Where'd you learn how to do that?
What?
Kick like that.
I don't know. (Gestures.) Lucky, I guess. (Smiles.)
(Chuck and others approach slowly as Chuck tosses the ball from hand to hand.)
Yeah, well...good shot! Superstar.
The amazing thing was...these guys were serious.
So. You gonna join us?
And that's when I realized...in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
Well...maybe I'll go talk to the coach. (Smiles.)
*
(Later, Coach McIntyre reaches down for his juice as a ball rolls near him.)
Pops?
(Chuck frowns, then cups his hands to his mouth.)
Pops? (Gestures.) Kick it back?
(Coach McIntyre puts the lid back on the bottle.)
Pops?
(Chuck frowns and shrugs, then turns toward the other guys.)
Has anybody got another ball?
(Kevin approaches the coach to retrieve tha ball.)
It just didn't add up. What was with this guy?
So. How we doin'?
Fine, fine.
Well, what do you think about our prospects for this season? (Gestures.)
Terrific. Where's my cushion? I know I left it somewhere...
At least one thing seemed clear...when it came to coaching...this coach couldn't care less. Of course, maybe there was a reason for that. Take Nick Bott, for example. The most uncoordinated kid I ever met. Not to mention the biggest "Star Trek" fan. And Andy Collins. I never saw a lazier kid. And who could forget Chuck Coleman? "Mr. Fidget".
(Chuck hops around, twitches, and swats flies, then taps himself on the chest.)
The kid meant well enough...but he elevated annoying to an art form.
(Chuck hops around and taps himself again. He frowns and grimaces as the ball hits him in the chest.)
*
(Later, the guys enter the locker room.)
Guys, I think we are really gettin' good out there!
Yeah. We only kicked the ball over the fence three times today.
Dorks, goofballs, a coach who wouldn't coach...somehow this whole thing wasn't working out the way I'd planned.
What do you think, Kev?
About what?
Well, about how things are goin'.
Well...I don't know, guys. I mean, I'm new here, but...doesn't it seem like somethin's missing? (Frowns.)
Missing? (Shrugs.) Like what?
Well, I mean, we are playing soccer, right? (Nods.) So...maybe we should start learning some plays.
Course, it was only a suggestion. Still...
(The guys look at Kevin. Chuck smiles.)
Plays. (Nods.) Great idea!
It was like watching Edison invent the lightbulb.
(Cut to Coach McIntyre's office.)
What can I do for ya?
Well...we-we wanted to talk about learning some plays.
Plays?
Look, it's not that we don't appreciate what you've done for us so far, it's...just that...
Plays? (Frowns.)
Well, look...
(Chuck picks up a black book from the coaches desk.)
What about this play-book? (Smiles.)
Well...(nods)...those are plays. (Frowns.)
(Chuck looks at the book and chews his gum.)
Well...
(He looks toward Coach McIntyre.)
Can we at least work from it?
I don't think that book's gonna do you a lot of good.
(Chuck frowns slightly.)
Still, even Pops couldn't quell the tide of youth. Enthusiasm.
(Coach McIntyre looks toward the window and frowns as he sees other players looking in.)
Dorkdom.
But...if ya wanna learn plays...suit yourself.
(Chuck looks up and smiles as he chews his gum.)
Terrific!
Great!
Great! Thanks!
And there ya had it.
(Chuck and Nick exit to the locker room.)
Guys! We got plays!
Sure, it wasn't much, but...it was a start.
(Cut to the field as Kevin approaches.)
And who knew? Maybe with the right combination of coaching and raw talent, we'd actually make something of ourselves.
(The guys are lined up in a football formation, with Chuck as QB.)
OK - seventeen! Thirty-four! Set back! OK. Twenty-four. Red right! And...
(Chuck swats some flies off his leg.)
Hike!
(The center hikes the ball. Leigh starts running down the field, and Chuck punts the ball. All the guys start running down the field waving their arms and yelling. Leigh catches the ball and runs forward with it.)
Or maybe, just maybe...
(Leigh drops the ball and kicks it into the goal.)
It was gonna be the longest season in recorded history.
*
(In the locker room, Chuck hops over the bench toward Kevin.)
Call me crazy, call me naive, but I think we really have a chance today. (Smiles.)
(Chuck exits past Kevin.)
Come on - let's go!
These jokers just weren't giving up.
(Cut to the field. The guys are trotting down the path, chanting in unison.)
Maybe it was a tribute to the team spirit. The power of positive thinking. The triumph of will over adversity. Or...
(The guys slow up as they see the opposing team practicing.)
Oh, my God...
Maybe it was plain stupidity.
Are those guys for real?
Our opponents could have passed for the Italian national all-stars.
*
(In the locker room at half-time, trailing 0-11.)
Eleven to zip - I can't believe it.
I hate this stupid game.
(Kevin gives a pep-talk after the coach said nothing to the team. Now Kevin approaches the ball alone.)
When I got back on that field, I was mad.
(The other team takes positions.)
I'd take these guys on myself, if I had to.
Hey! Wait for us!
When that whistle blew...
(The game starts.)
We actually got possession of the ball.
Over here!
And what's more amazing...we actually completed a pass.
Back to me, back to me!
(Kevin gets the ball and pases it to Leigh, who lines up a shot on the goal.)
Come on! Go, Leigh!
(Leigh kicks it in the net. All the guys hop around and celebrate.)
It was our finest hour. Unfortunately...we'd kicked the ball into the wrong net.
I don't believe it! You scored on our goal, bozo. (Frowns.)
Don't call me bozo - "Spock brain"!
Hey!
(Chuck steps slightly between them, trying to hold them apart.)
Listen, will you jerks just break it up?
Who you callin' a jerk?
(Leigh pushes Chuck.)
This is ridiculous! Who needs this?!
(Everyone starts to scuffle.)
Look, you guys, calm down!
We completely fell apart.
(Everyone falls to the ground.)
It was like "Lord of the Flies".

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(Ep 80 - "Road Test")

(Alice is driving the driver's ed car. Kevin, Harold and Slovoski are in back. Alice screeches to a halt.)
OK, now, Miss Pedermeir - let's try it again.
OK.
Only this time - easy on the brake. (Gestures.) 'Kay?
Which one's the brake?
Driver's ed. The final demarcation line between those who could...and those who probably shouldn't.
Easy gas, easy brake...easy gas -
(Alice screeches to a stop.)
By the second week of on-the-road training, one thing was abundantly clear.
Yucccch - old gum.
Yeah? What flavor?
When it came to operating a motor-vehicle, these other kids were gonna need a lot of help.
OK. I think that's fine for today, Miss Pedermeir.
I thought you said we were gonna do freeways - I want to do freeways!
*
(Kevin is trying to park.)
You knocked over a cone...(smiles)...he knocked over a cone! (Laughs.)
*
(Kevin screwed up parking - again.)
And that was that. A small miscalculation, nothing more. Not even worth a second thought.
(Cut to the cafeteria with Paul and Chuck.)
So? You ran over a cone - so what's the big deal?
OK, two thoughts. But that's all.
Yeah, it's not like you ran over somebody's pet schnauzer or anything!
That's disgusting! (Smiles.)
Yeah, you're probably right.
Listen, I don't know what you're so worried about, Kevin, you're a really good driver! I've seen you!
Thanks.
Course he's never seen you park!
What's that supposed to mean? (Gestures.)
Nothing - it's a joke!
Boy, Kev, are you jumpy!
Come on, anyone could flub up the first couple of times they parallel park. Right?
Absolutely! (Nods.)
The trouble was...this wasn't just anybody we were talking about, this was - me!
Hey, I never said a couple of times! (Frowns.) It was once, OK? So let's drop it!
Fine! (Smiles.)
Besides, no one's ever failed their driver's test just because they couldn't parallel park, right?
Right!
Right.

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(Ep 84 - "Of Mastodons and Men")

(Hallway.)
Listen you guys want to, uh...(demonstrates)...shoot some hoops after school?
Oh, yeah - count me in!
Got it!
Hey, Kev? You playin'?
Sure! Course!
The tribe. That year we were inseparable. We'd faced all the challenges.
Kev-in!
All but one, anyway.
(Students in the hallway separating to reveal a girl smiling at Kevin off-screen.)
Women.
Uh, look - guys? I gotta take a rain-check, OK?
(The guys frown and snort, then back away, smiling, as Kevin walks toward Julie.)
Kev-in...
*
(Restroom.)
I thought you were gonna be playing ball with us this afternoon!
I just made these kinda...plans. (Gestures.)
What plans? (Gestures.)
Nothing. I was...just gonna go over...
(Chuck puts his hands behind his head and swivels his hips.)
Ju-lie's house...
Well, we were gonna play three-on-three!
OK! (Nods.) No problem. I'll be there.
Yeah - right!
And that's when I felt a cold chill.
What?!
She's really smothering you.
What are you talking about?
But I guess I knew. It was written all over their faces.
*
(The guys are watching a slide-show.)
Primitive man derived his power from the tribe. But occasionally, one of its members betrayed the rest. Soon, this lone hunter was set adrift from the pack. Cast asunder. Shunned, and ostracized.
So! We gonna play some football this afternoon?
Yeah, I'll be there.
Yeah - me too.
By the next day...one thing was clear.
Hey, guys - what time are you playing?
(Chuck looks toward the ceiling, surprised.)
Did you guys hear something?
Not me!
In my tribe...my name was mud. Still, I had one skill...
(Cut to hallway)
Primitive man did not.
Come on, guys!
I could whine.
What?!
I wanna play!
Look, Kev? You bailed on us yesterday.
And you didn't even tell us.
Well, I got tied up. (Shrugs.) It was an emergency. (Gestures.)
It was Julie! (Nods.) Wasn't it?
It was one time! I promise - it'll never happen again. Please?
And with that...I'd bared my soul. Thrown myself on the mercy of the tribe. They in turn, pronounced their verdict.
(Sound of trumpeting mastodon. Chuck looks at the other guys, then looks at Kevin and shrugs.)
What the hell? (Exits.)

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 86 - "Hero")

(At a basketball game, Chuck, Paul, Winnie and Kevin are clapping and shouting "DE-fense - DE-fense - DE-fense".)
The final game of our regular season. Win this and we moved on to the regional playoffs.
(An opposing player takes a jump-shot.)
Our future was hanging in the balance.
(The ball swishes through the basket.)
What's going on here? I thought you told me these guys were supposed to skate...
Don't worry. We'll pull it out.
"Don't worry"?
(Chuck looks up toward the scoreboard.)
We're three points down, with thirty seconds left. I'm worried!
*
(At halftime of the championship game, Chuck and Kevin approach Kevin and Jack at the snackbar.)
So what do you want on your hotdog? (Smiles.)
I'll have the works.
Hey, Kev! (Smiles.)
Hey!
Man, this is close.
I'm not that worried.
Did you see that lay-up Bobby made from behind the basket?!
The guy's amazing.
OK - we were all in agreement. To a man.
So, Mr. Arnold...What do you think?
I don't know...(Smiles.) I just hope Southwestern doesn't have Bobby's number.
(Paul and Chuck frown slightly.)
What are you talkin' about? (Smiles.) The guys got like...nineteen points. (Frowns.)
That was before they double-teamed 'em. Looks like they'll keep two men on Bobby, and use the three-man zone to defend the rest of the team.
And in the face of this sage piece of basketball wisdom...there was only one response.
I think we'd better get back to the seats. (Frowns.)
Yeah. Seeya.
(Kevin smiles slightly in acknowledgment. Paul and Chuck frown, then turn and walk away. Chuck looks at Paul.)
Jeez - what's his problem?

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(Ep 87 - "Lunch Stories")

(Chuck and Kevin have gotten their food in the cafeteria. Chuck is looking off.)
I don't believe it. Isn't she beautiful?
Chuck Coleman had one obsession in life. Sheila McCaffrey - clarinet player.
(They walk toward a table.)
I mean, she is hot!
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
I mean, not just regular hot - I mean, she is...diaphanous.
For the past three weeks, Chuck had been using that word. I'm pretty sure he thought it meant..."stacked".
So, why don't you just ask her out? (Frowns.)
(They pause next to the table.)
You can't just make a move on a girl like that! (Gestures.) You have to find the precise moment! The perfect thing to say. (Gestures.) The right shirt!
Face it. The guy was scared witless.
Chuck?
What?
We're here.
Oh.
(They sit down.)
Hey, Ricky.
Hey, guys.
That was the thing about lunch. You always sat with the same people because...well...you always sa with the same people.
(Chuck picks up some food, and Ricky looks at him.)
Hey - I get the pickle.
(Chuck holds his food away from Ricky.)
Uh.
Please. (Frowns.)
(Chuck gives the pickle to Ricky, who nods. Paul approaches, wearing a blue jacket and white pants.)
Hey, guys!
(Paul sets a light tan bag over the chair back, looks at the guys who are looking at him, and pauses.)
What?
Nice tie. (Nods.)
What...your mom dress you again? (Smiles.)
Oh, very funny. Look, I-I got a debate tournament this afternoon...(shrugs)...I gotta look nice.
Now, of course, Paul was the brain of our group. So we treated him with the respect he deserved.
Well, sit down...before somebody sees you! (Laughs.)
Oh, remind me to laugh. (Frowns.)
Hey, are you gonna have those mashed potatoes?
Ricky, I just got here.
Ricky! Ricky! Did you do your report for *Calvin's" class?
Uh, report...(frowns)...what report?
The report! The one that's due today! A thousand words on the day in the life of a citizen of ancient Rome - and if I don't get it done, I'm gonna fail. I'm gonna look like an idiot! (Frowns.)
Are you sure it's due today? (Frowns.)
Fourteen people told me it was.
Well, well, how come we didn't know about it? (Frowns.)
I have to go. (Gestures.) I have to find a pencil.
Oh, my God!
Ricky! Calm down.
A thousand words...what am I gonna do?
(Ricky opens a book nervously.)
I-I...I don't know...
(He leafs through the book quickly.)
It was inevitable. Every day, somewhere between fish sticks and Jell-O...Ricky Holsenbach would have at least one academic crisis.
OK, OK - I can do this. A day...in the life...of...ancient Rome. By...Ricky...Holsenbach.
(Ricky moves his pen quickly across each word.)
One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten...
(He writes again.)
Ricky...
(The guys nod and mouth simutaneously with Ricky.)
David Holsenbach.
Sure, we weren't exactly the "A" table...
(A boy wearing glasses and a pocket protector pauses behind Paul and Kevin.)
Excuse me...is-is this seat...
(ALL): Taken...
But we had our standards.
(The boy walks off slowly.)
Such as they were.
(Chuck looks toward Sheila and twitches nervously.)
Look at her, Kev...doesn't she look just like Ali McGraw?
(Chuck blinks nervously.)
I'm gonna get a soda.

*
(Later, Kevin returns.)
Meanwhile, back at the zoo...
(Kevin sits down.)
OK. An ancient Roman...lived in a Roman house...with a Roman wife and spoke Roman to a lot of Roman people. What do you think so far?
Don't change a word.
Have you noticed Sheila's skin? It's not like regular skin. It's like that thin paper that we use in typing class.
(Paul slaps something on the table and looks at Chuck.)
Sheila, Sheila - why don't you just go talk to her?
I can't...
Why not?
She's eating. (Frowns.)
It's a cafeteria, Chuck. (Frowns.)
Paul, you can't ask a girl out when she's eating! (Frowns.) It's like a landmine. What happens if she smiles, and she has all these particles of tuna on her teeth? She'd be humiliated. You can't recover from something like that.
Chuck, will ya stop acting like such a geek? (Frowns.)
Well, what do you mean?
If you want to ask her out...(gestures)...ask her out. (Frowns.)
(Chuck looks down and nods slightly.)
And, from small ideas do great decisions grow.
You're right, Kevin.
(Chuck stands up and smoothes his shirt inside his pants.)
So began that long march. That test of fortitude and manhood.
(Chuck walks forward stiffly, then bends down out of the shot.)
What's he doing?
He's tying his shoes. (Frowns.)
But he's got loafers on. (Frowns.)
(Chuck stands up.)
OK - here we go.
(Chuck walks forward, pauses, and smoothes the back of his shirt inside his pants.)
Now, what?
He's tucking in his shirt.
It's tucked, ya doofus!
(Chuck pauses, looks off, and waves.)
Who's he waving at?
(Chuck continues forward.)
OK - he's gonna do it now.
(Chuck turns around, with a worried look on his face and approaches the camera, twitching nervously.)
He's running away.
What's the matter with him?
He did better than I thought he would...(Gestures.)
(Chuck approaches and reaches for his chair.)
What happened? (Gestures.)
You were right there!
(Chuck sits down.)
My part was off.
You're so full of it. (Frowns.)
I'll ask her out later! (Frowns.)
Well, if she turns you down, you can always go out with the guy with the hair-net.
Shut up, Pfeiffer! (Frowns.)
*
(Later.)
Hey - do any of you guys know how to spell "org-y"?
It's "orgy", Ricky. "O", "R", "G", Y".
(Chuck looks off and frowns, shaking his head.)
I shoulda asked her out. I'm spineless. That's what I am. If they cut me open, I wouldn't have a spine. I blew it. I totally blew it.
Chuck, it'll be OK.
(Sheila she stands up.)
Oh, no. Oh, no. Here she comes. (Frowns.) I gotta talk to her. I gotta talk to her. I can't.
(Chuck shakes his head.)
I'm not ready. (Gestures.)
(Chuck looks toward Paul and Kevin.)
I can't do it. I got to. I can't. I can't.
(Chuck looks toward Sheila.)
I got to. I got to. Uh...I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.
(Chuck stands up, holding his tray, and steps in front of Sheila.)
Stop...please.
(Chuck looks at Sheila and swallows nervously.)
Hi...I'm Chuck. (Smiles.)
Hi. (Smiles.)
(Chuck swallows his gum and frowns slightly.)
I was just wondering, um...if maybe you'd like to...
(Chuck blinks nervously.)
Uh...go out sometime.
Amazing. After three months, Chuck had finally done it.
Gee, Chuck...that'd be nice. (Smiles.)
And hit pay-dirt.
Great. (Smiles.)
And that's when it happened.
(Chuck starts to nervously shake his tray as ominous music plays. Sheila looks at his tray and frowns slightly.)
Uh, how about Friday?
Friday. (Frowns.) Uh, Friday...I have band practice this Friday.
Saturday - uh, we could go skating.
(Sheila looks up and off.)
Oh...gee...guests from out of town.
It was horrible. Right before our eyes...the kid was twitching his way toward total self-destruction.
Uh, how about next weekend?
Uh, I think I'm gonna have to study that weekend.
(She starts to step sideways. Chuck steps in front of her.)
The weekend after that?
I may have band festival. (Frowns.)
Um, you know, maybe we should just try this, ya know, when you're not so busy.
Yeah. It was great talking to you. (Exits.)
Yeah.
*
(Kevin returns after giving blood.)
It was time for a moment of teenage compassion.
Hey, Chuck...
(Chuck looks up at him.)
How ya doin'?
(Chuck looks down and shrugs slightly.)
OK. I guess.
Ya know...(frowns)...I really didn't think she was that hot, anyway.
(Chuck looks down and snorts slightly as he shakes his head.)
Yeah...
(Chuck looks off, then at Kevin as he shrugs.)
Neither did I. (Smiles.)
*
(Later, Alice hurriedly approaches Ricky.)
Ricky, Ricky - did you finish your report?!
Yeah - I just got it done. (Smiles.)
You did? (Frowns.) It's not fair! (Sighs.) I couldn't do mine - I drew a blank.
I'm sorry, Alice.
I'm gonna get an "F" - my parents are gonna kill me! I'm not gonna get into fashion school! (Frowns.)
(Ricky looks down and frowns.)
But most of all...there was still time for heroes to emerge. Heroes as noble and virtuous as the Roman gods. Or, as simple as...
Here, Alice. Take mine. (Smiles.) I don't need to go to fashion school.
Ricky Holsenbach.
(Alice frowns at the paper, then Ricky.)
You'd do that for me?
I want to.
And, there ya had it. Lunch. Where romances bloomed and died...and returned again.
(Ricky and Alice walk off together.)
Like last weeks leftover tuna casserole.
(Alice looks at the paper, then at Ricky.)
What's an "org-y"? (Frowns.)

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(Ep 88 - "Carnal Knowledge")

(In the cafeteria, Chuck slaps a folded newspaper onto the table near Ricky and Kevin. Most of the page is an image of Ann-Margaret, under the title "Carnal Knowledge".)
Here it is, guys. Our invitation...to paradise.
What? (Frowns.)"Bedknobs and Broomsticks"? (Gestures.)
Look again, doofus. "Carnal...Knowledge". (Nods.)
In adolescent terms it meant one thing. A three-letter word, starting with "S", ending with "X"...and sandwiched in the middle...
Ann-Margaret.
You got it.
Lemme see that.
Not that I was some kind of fiend, ya understand. I was just...sixteen.
So, when do we go? (Smiles.)
How about Friday night? (Nods.)
(Paul approaches.)
I'm there!
Count me in!
(Paul sits next to Kevin.)
After all, it was a major cinematic event. Something no red-blooded male could turn down.
Forget it - you can't see this. (Frowns.)
What?!
You heard me. Says right here - ya gotta be seventeen.
That was Paul for ya. Grandma in size twelve desert boots.
So? We've all got fake ID's, right? (Smiles.)
Right! (Smiles.)
Besides, Paul...I think you're missin' the point.
Yeah - lemme lay this out for you.
(Chuck reaches for the paper.)
In this movie...
(Chuck makes a little dramatic face.)
They...do...everything.
Everything?
Everything. (Nods.)
Like what? (Frowns.)
Now, keep in mind, this was nineteen-seventy-two.
Well, uh...
Lust and ignorance went hand-in-hand.
Well, if you don't know, we're not gonna tell you.
*
(Kevin, Chuck and Ricky park across the street from the Culver theater. The marquee reads "Now playing...Carnal Knowledge...Rated R")
Well...(points)...this is it. (Smiles.)
Yeah...(Smiles.)
And so, we'd arrived. Minus one best-friend, maybe...but ready for anything.
Wow...
There it was. Beneath that marquee lay forbidden experience. Mysteries unveiled. Mysteries like...
So, who's gonna buy the tickets?
What do ya mean "who's gonna buy the tickets"? I thought you we're gonna buy the tickets. (Frowns.)
What? (Frowns.) Why me?
Cause you're the one with the fake ID.
Me? I don't have a fake ID. I thought you had a fake ID.
What?!
(Chuck turns forward in disbelief and puts his hand on his forehead.)
You told me you had a fake ID. Hey, Kev? You have a fake ID?
I don't believe this. (Frowns.)
It was incredible. Here we were...fifty feet from the conscienceness-raising experience of our lives...and we'd been shut down for lack of a petty forgery.
So what are we gonna do?
Hmmmm...
*
(In the cafeteria, after Paul asks Kevin not to talk about Paul's casual sexual encounter from the previous night. Chuck sits next to Ricky.)
OK, gents. (Smiles.) We are in!
In where? (Frowns.)
You know...the movie! My brother said he'd buy us the tickets if we pay his way in!
Cool!
Great. (Smirks.)
What's the matter with him?
Nothing. (Frowns.) It's just you guys should hear yourselves. (Frowns.) "We're in"...(gestures)..."cool"...I mean you guys are sixteen years old, sneaking into a movie theater. Doesn't that tell you anything? (Frowns.)
(Chuck shakes his head slightly. Ricky frowns and rubs his chin.)
Apparently it didn't.
Look. Has it even occured to you...(frowns)...that people here - people our age...are doing exactly the things that the people in the movies are just pretending to do?
(Ricky looks off and frowns as Chuck chews and twitches.)
OK - so it didn't make real sense. I knew what I meant. Unfortunately...
What "people"? (Smiles.)
Oh, no.
(Chuck sucks up some spaghetti and pauses in thought.)
It was amazing. These two dolts, who couldn't grapple with the concept of grilled cheese...had suddenly turned into geniuses.
Hey, Kevin - tell us his initials.
Forget it! (Frowns.)
If we guess...(gestures)...will ya tell us if we're right?
No.
Come on, Kev - we'd tell you...
I told ya - it's no one, OK?
(Paul approaches with his tray.)
Hey, guys.
And that's when it happened.
(Kevin looks toward Ricky and Chuck, who look toward Paul. Paul look at Ricky and Chuck and pauses.)
What?
Now, of course, to an impartial jury...I may have been innocent.
It's him!
(Paul closes his wallet slowly.)
I don't believe it! (Points.) It's Pfeiffer! Pfeiffer you dog! (Smiles.)
Way to go, Pfeiff! Who's the lucky girl?
(Paul looks slowly toward Kevin, who looks off.)
Still...deep down, I knew...
(Kevin looks at Paul.)
Paul, I didn't...
Thanks a lot, Kev.
I was guilty as hell.

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(Ep 89 - "The Lost Weekend")

(Friday morning. Jack and Norma have gone to a wedding out of town, and Wayne is ditching school and has just left.)
I found myself completely alone - with one empty house...two days to myself...and nothing to do but...
(Cut to the cafeteria as Chuck smiles and looks around at the guys.)
I know! Let's have a party!
Head directly for trouble.
Come on, guys - my parents said they didn't want a lot of people there.
(Randy looks at Kevin.)
What people? It's just us guys.
We just thought...since you have a whole house to yourself, you might want to take advantage of it! (Smiles.)
What are we gonna do at my house? (Smiles.)
Everything! (Smiles.)
Hang out.
Stuff our faces...
Order pizza.
Stupid question.
Maybe we could get some beer. (Nods.)
Yeah! We can drink till our heads hurt! (Smiles.)
Come on, Kevin - it'll be great!
I don't know...
After all, certain rules had been set...and nothing could be said to make me break them.
(Paul frowns.)
Look, guys...if Kevin's parents said not to have anyone in the house, then he shouldn't have anyone in the house. Period.
Nothing...except that.
I didn't say that, Paul. (Frowns.)
Great! (Gestures.) So are we havin' a party or not?!
Yeah, well...maybe we could do something. Play poker...but just us guys.
(Ricky smiles.)
Yeah, alright!
(Cut to evening in the Arnold basement).
Who's bet is it?
I don't know...
Is there any more pizza?
*
(Later in the scene, Paul tosses some chips in the pot.)
I'll raise.
I'll see ya.
(Randy tosses some chips, and knocks over a glass with his hand.)
Randy!
(Kevin wipes the table with a napkin.)
Watch it will ya? This is my dad's good card-table!
Yes, Mrs. Arnold!
*
(Later in the scene, the guys are bored and decide to call some girls. Chuck is on the phone.)
Uh-huh...well, I know it's late, but...(gestures)...well, it's gonna be a lot of fun! Um, his parents are out of town.
The first rule of sophomore boys. If it's female - call it. If it answers - invite it.
Chuck...Chuck! (Gestures.) I'm in your bio class. No. Not Chuck Thorson. Chuck Coleman.
(Chuck glances off and starts to twitch.)
But, um...(shrugs)...Chuck Thorson'll be there...(Nods.)
(Chuck listens, then makes a face and clenches his fist.)
Great! Uh, seeya.
(Chuck hangs up the phone.)
(All): What'd she say?!
She's coming. (Smiles.)
Great!
Cool!
And...(smiles)...she's bringing her sister!
Hold the phone.
What?!
A party was one thing. A full-scale orgy was something else.
Chuck, wait a minute. I thought I said one girl each.
What was I supposed to do? Tell her she couldn't come?
*
(Alice is on the porch as Kevin opens the front door.)
Hi, Kevin! (Smiles.)
(Kevin smiles, and Ricky bumps him.)
Oh, hi, Alice!
Not that it started out so badly.
(Alice smiles, as a few more people make their way up the walkway.)
Hey, this is it! Are we here?
Alright!
Who are they?
This is my brother, Charlie, his friend, Eddy, Eddy's cousin Deborah and her best friend Carolyn - I needed a ride. (Frowns.) Is that OK with you?
(Kevin frowns and Ricky smiles.)
Well...
Hey, yeah. The more the merrier. (Gestures.) Come on in!
*
(Later at the party.)
Still, I kept telling myself, things were under control.
(Wide shot of the smoky living room. One guy with a guitar approaches the camera which pulls back past Chuck, who is holding out a plate of sandwiches. A second guy smoking a cigarette takes all of them.)
Nice.
Even though they weren't.
Kev - great party! (Gestures.)
What are you talking about?! This is a disaster!
(Kevin frowns and gestures with both arms. Chuck approaches Kevin and Paul.)
I'll say it's a disaster. (Nods.)
And there, finally - the voice of reason in the crowd.
(Chuck gestures at the empty plate.)
We're out of food!
What?! (Frowns.)
We're down to mayonnaise sandwiches.
(Randy walks up to Chuck.)
Hey - why don't you go pick up some stuff?
(Chuck taps Randy on the shoulder.)
That's a great idea.
(Chuck walks off.)
*
(Later in the kitchen.)
And just when I thought things had reached rock-bottom...
(The phone rings.)
They went into negative numbers.
Shut up, everyone! I think it's my parents!
(Everyone, including the music, is silent. The phone rings again. Kevin approaches it, and looks toward the crowd behind him. Phone rings again.)
Shhh!
(The phone rings again and Kevin picks it up.)
Hello? (Smiles.)
(Kevin frowns and sighs.)
Chuck...where are you?
(The party noise resumes.)
(Cut to Kevin and Chuck at a liquor store. Kevin slides a wallet across the counter toward Chuck.)
Chuck - how could you leave your wallet on my dresser?
(Chuck picks up the wallet.)
Shhh. Keep your voice down. I took it out when the girls came over.
Why?! (Frowns.)
Cuz it made my rear-end look lumpy. Alright?
Look - just hurry up, OK?!
(Chuck unloads a basket as the cashier watches.)
All I wanted to do was get back to my unprotected house as soon as possible.
OK!
(Chuck sets items on the counter.)
Got candy...potato chips...some pretzles...crackers...
(The cashier looks at Chuck.)
That'll be two-sixty-four.
(Chuck bends down to the basket on the floor.)
And uh...we'll, uh...
(Chuck stands up, nervously holding a six-pack of beer.)
We'll also take, uh, we'll take this.
(Chuck sets the six-pack on the counter. The cashier frowns at Chuck.)
Chuck!
Don't worry, Kev! (Smiles.) I'll pay for it!
You got an I.D. for that?
Sure! Sure...
(Chuck reaches in his pocket, pulls out his wallet and looks at it, then hands it to the cashier.)
(License reads: Richard Piedmont. 303 Grant Av. Culver City, IA 02266. Valid from 1/1/71-1/1/72.)
(Sound of a police siren in the background.)
"Richard Piedmont"? (Frowns.)
Well, it...(squirms)...it's Chuck...for short. (Nods.)
(The cashier looks at the license, then at Chuck.)
Twenty-seven?
My mother smoked. (Nods.)
What year were you born?
April twenty-second, 1945...I live at three-oh-three Grant street, I weigh a hundred-and-sixty-six pounds, I have blue eyes...and I'm...near-sighted.
(The cashier smiles, then laughs. Chuck smiles as the cashier tosses the wallet to him, then laughs. He looks at Kevin and smiles, then looks at the cashier and nods. The cashier smiles at Chuck, then shakes his head.)
(Cut to outside the liquor store as Kevin and Chuck exit.)
How did he know?
Maybe you don't look near-sighted, Chuck!
You know, next time...I'm gonna squint.
Look, Chuck...(gestures)...let's just get out of here, OK?!
Jeez, Kev. (Nods.) You're a little testy, tonight. (Frowns.) You know that?!
"Testy"? I was fed up.
Look. Chuck - I've had it! (Frowns.) This whole thing has gotten completely out of control!
(Chuck frowns and looks down.)
As a matter of fact, the minute I get home - everyone's out of there! OK?!
(Chuck nods as they walk along the sidewalk.)
And, that was that. Case closed.
(Chuck slows up and points into the back seat of the convertible. The driver is leaning back against the door.)
Look! Beer! A whole keg! (Smiles.)
Yeah...we're goin' to a great party. You guys need a lift?
No!
Where is it? (Smiles.)
Uh, it's...about ten blocks from here.
(The guy looks off.)
Some kid named, uh...
(Sound of a police siren as the guy turns to Kevin.)
Arnold.

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(Ep 93 - "Broken Hearts and Burgers")

(Winnie is sitting apart from Kevin at a restaurant after getting jealous. Kevin is joined by Randy, Chuck, Paul and Ricky.)
Adolescence. The age of maturity, confidence, boundless self-assurance. And let's not forget...unutterable misery. Fortunately, in times of crisis, every teenager has a secret weapon. His friends.
So, uh...what happened?
What?
Winnie! What did you do? (Nods.)
That's just it. I didn't really do anything. (Shrugs.) I just ordered some food.
(They look at the girl behind the counter. She smiles at Kevin, slightly embarrassed.)
(All): Right!
Man, you blew it!
Thanks, Paul.
Hey, come on. Take it easy on the guy. I mean, his best girl just walked out on him.
Yeah, that's right. (Nods.)
Yeah, that's the thing about friends. They're always there. With sympathy...support.
So...she's probably not going to eat that hamburger, right? (Smiles.)
Yeah, can I have her fries?
Don't let that shake go to waste!
*
(Later, Winnie is still giving Kevin the cold shoulder.)
Kev, you gotta do something about this.
Like what?
Like...talk to her.
Yeah, it always worked for me.
When did it ever work for you?
Well, hypothetically.
Yeah, you're right.
After all, there are some quandaries in a young man's life that even his friends can't solve for him.
Go on, Kev. Give it a shot!
Yeah!

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(99 - "White Lies")

(Locker Room with Steuben and Jeff, et al.)
I think I'm going to give Carol Masuchi another chance this weekend.
Oh, you mean she finally returned your calls?
(Kevin and the guys laugh.)
Hey! She called me.
Guys: Oooh...!
Face it. Every day was a trial, by a jury of your peers.
Chuck, how'd your date go with Marilyn last night?
Well, you know. Was fun.
Fun?
Yeah. Well...we did stuff.
Well, what kind of stuff?
You know...stuff.
And those who left themselves exposed bore the full wrath of the adolescent mob.
He didn't!
Did too!
Nah, you didn't!
It could be brutal.
Hey, come on. Lay off him.
But never so brutal as when the mob turned on you.
You're right, Arnold. Maybe we should be talking about you and the Coopster.
*
You OK?
Yeah. Why?
Oh, I don't know, just looked like you were going to take a life out there.
Ah, I don't know. I'm just feeling...frustrated.
(Steuben looks up.)
Uh-oh...
(General pause in activity.)
I mean, I'm just having a bad day.
Right...
But it was too late. I'd broken the first rule of the locker room.
What's the matter, Arnold. Trouble in paradise?
Yes, is...Winnie shutting you out?
Well, uh, no, no. It's just, we...she and I, uh just...You know.
Come on, Kev! Tell us something interesting.
We're waiting, Arnold.
Woops.
Or is there just really nothing to tell?

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(Ep 102 - "The Test")

(Mr. Glavin's English class.)
As the SAT's loomed closer, our brains loomed smaller.
Come on - concentrate! Anyone? Mr. Coleman...
Yes?
Harassment is to intimidation as compliment is to...(gestures.)
Panic had officially descended upon my class.
I have to go to the bathroom.
(Chuck hurries out. The class laughs.)
*
(Restroom with Chuck, Randy and Paul.)
The day before the test was torture.
Oh man. This is gonna be a disaster.
Panic had given way to...raw superstition.
You know, I heard that there's a pattern - if you break the code, you can figure out the answers.
Yeah. I heard they have this card they put over the answers, so if you fill in all the circles you get a perfect score.
No, I heard that if you use the serial number from **** and divide it by your birthday.
It was crazy - the last minute ravings of desperate men.
That's ridiculous - how're they gonna know your birthday?
Hey - they know everything! And then you take the question number and you add it, and you multiply the whole thing -
I can't believe you guys are wasting your time on these stupid rumors! I mean, don't you have something better to do? You should be studying.
Why?
Enough was enough. It was time to put some sense to this whole fiasco.
Who says we have to take this stupid test, anyway? Why should we let this one test affect our entire life? Why should one test make us this crazy? I say we're more important than that stupid test, and I for one, am not gonna let it control my life!
There. Finally, A statement of principle. A manifesto of defiance. A cry for unity no red-blooded kid could fail to admire.
(Randy and Chuck make chicken-clucking sounds, and exit.)

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(Ep 103 - "Let Nothing You Dismay")

(Cafeteria with Paul and Jeff.)
Come on, you gotta be joking! I mean a hundred bucks?! For a sweater?!
Well, it-it's cashmere.
The fabric of royalty.
So? Ninety-nine bucks is too much to spend for any woman.
What am I supposed to do? I think she's gonna buy me something really expensive.
Well, maybe you should go for it. Last year, I spent eighty-seven bucks on a gift - and she loved it!
Who was that for?
Uh, just someone I know.
Oh, come on, Chuck. It was for your mother, wasn't?
Maybe...

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(Ep 104 - "New Year")

In the first ten days of Christmas recess, I'd participated in thirteen semi-organized, semi-suicidal touch football games.
(Kevin is gang-tackled. Chuck gets up.)
Jeez. This ground is rock-solid.
(Jeff holds his knee.)
I think I broke somethin'.
(Paul gets up.)
What are we doing here?
Of course, the reason was obvious.
(Kevin gets up.)
Gotcha outta the house, didn't it?
He's right. Come on, guys - let's huddle up. (Claps.)
At sixteen, we were men on the run, fleeing house, home, and parents. Afraid of nothing. Except, maybe...
(In the huddle.)
What are you guys doin' for New Year's eve?
Uh. Serving drinks at my parents' party. You?
My uncle's showing home-movies. (Frowns.)
New Year's eve. The nightmare of family togetherness.
Hey, ya know...Eddie Putnam's having a big party.
Yeah?
Yeah, at his parents' ski-condo. In the mountains.
Yeah?
Plus, Eddie's folks are gonna be out of town, in Aruba.

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(Ep 105 - "Alice In Autoland")

(Clips of "The Honeymooners", James Cagney and a woman, Frankenstein, etc.)
Throughout time, there have been some pretty obnoxious couples. Couples who constantly bickered. Couples who had trouble communicating. But never, in the history of men and women, had there been a couple more horrifying, more terrifying, than...
(Frankenstein: "Friend?". Vertical-Hair Woman: "Ahhhhhhhhh!")
(Cut to a party.)
I don't get it - what did I do?
You know exactly what you did!
Alice Pedermeir...
I don't know!
You do to!
And Chuck Coleman.
I do not! I brought you punch! Shoot me in the head!
You know that I like ginger ale!
I made a mistake!
So - you don't know anything about me!
I know everything about you.
(Alice closes her eyes.)
What color are my eyes?
Ah...
In the three months they'd been dating, they'd broken up twenty-seven times - a class record.
Uh...gray! Green! Uh...gray-green!
(Alice opens her eyes. Chuck points.)
Brown!
That's right, Chuck!
(Alice stomps off.)
Make that twenty-eight times.
(Paul and Jeff spin around in their chairs.)
You think we should do something?
Nope.
I mean, look at the guy! Looks like he needs us, man.
Nope.
And in situations like these, there was one cardinal rule.
We just can't leave him standing there, can we?
Yep.
Never, never, get in the middle of someone else's relationship.
Pooky? They're playing our song...("Swayin' To The Music").
I know. I'm ready..."brown-eyes".
It was a tried-and-true theory. Leave well enough alone, and things would work out.
I'm sorry, Pooky.
*
(Cafeteria.)
...And if that weren't bad enough, I had to sit there and watch "Lady and the Tramp".
(Chuck and Alice suck up a piece of spaghetti and kiss.)
That is really disgusting. You know, you guys must have just broken - what - nine or ten health codes?
(To Jeff) What's the matter with him?
Rickshaw trouble.
(To Alice) Kevin's car's a lemon.
It's not a lemon! It just needs...a little work.
Well, why don't you just get a new one?
What, are you joking? I can't afford a new car...
And that's when fate stepped in.
Maybe my dad could help you out.
Who's your dad?
"Pistol Pete" Pedermeir - the used-car cowboy?
Oh, I didn't know that.
It was like being in the presence of a celebrity.
You think maybe he could help me out?
Uh-hmm...
Are you kidding? "Pistol Pete" Pedermeir...help someone out?
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing - just that he's uh, uh, a car salesman.
Well, what about your father?
My father's a dry-cleaner.
Yeah, well, my father is a pillar of the community!
Guys!
I wanted to keep this on track.
I bet my dad could get you a really good deal. Do you want to go down there this afternoon?
OK, maybe I should have known better...
Well, maybe we could just...check it out.
But it was worth a try. After all, this was Alice's dad - a pillar of the community.
Hang on to your wallet, Kev.
(Cut to car show-room. "Pistol Pete" is pressuring a customer.)
I'm tellin' you partner - I know cars, and I know people, and this is the car for you!
Or an urban cowboy.
Well, I'm just not sure...
Well, I am, so come on, this is your chance!
What did I tell ya?
Now, I'll give you one more minute - then I'm walkin'...
Well, uh...
I'm starting to walk...
But, uh...
I'm...walkin' right now.
I'll take it!
Congratulations, partner! Now you just talk to my sales manager right over there...(pushes customer)...and he'll fix you right up.
Daddy!
Oh, hello, sweetheart - this is a pleasant surprise.
Hi, Pete.
Who are you?
I'm Chuck. Chuck? Chuck Coleman?
Oh. Right...
And this is Kevin Arnold.
Hi, sir!
He's looking for a car.
Oh - Howdy, partner! You came to the right corral!
Daddy!
Sorry. Uh, how much you looking to spend?
Well, I was kind of hoping, sir, for uh, you know, an equal trade.
Trade, huh? Well, what have you got to trade?
An Olds. That one.
(Kevin points to his car, as the front bumper falls off one side.)
I see...
Uh, Daddy? I kind of promised Kevin a good deal. Please, Daddy?
Well...
But I guess even a used-car king couldn't resist a daughter's batting eyes.
Alright. Come back tomorrow. We got a new shipment coming in.
Bingo.
Really?
Sure, Kevin. Any friend o' Alie's is a friend of mine.
And with that, it began to look like this whole thing was gonna have a happy ending.
(Cut to on the road in Kevin's car.)
I got you a great deal on a car!
All you got me was a lousy set of floormats!
Those floormats were top-of-the-line.
They already fell apart!
Well, that's because you didn't use them right!
All I did was put my feet on them!
Yeah, well your father said he was gonna get that stain out of my blouse......
It was like being trapped in the middle of an Excedrin commercial.
But he never did!
It's salad oil! You can't get out salad oil!
Guys! (Gestures.) Do you always have to argue like this?
What do you mean?
Never mind.
After all, if they wanted to fight, that was their business. Me, I had more important things on my mind.
(Cut to morning in the school hallway.)
And so the next morning, there was nothing more to do but...spread the word of my good fortune.
(Kevin sees Winnie at her locker.)
Heh-heh. Winnie was gonna flip, when I told her about -
Kev!
Chuck!
Listen, we gotta talk!
(Chuck pulls Kevin into the restroom.)
Chuck, what is it?
She dumped me!
What?!
She dumped me - Alice!
Why?
How should I know? She says that...that she deserved better than me. Can you believe that?
Well...
She said she never wanted to talk to me again! Me!
(Chuck looks in the mirror.)
Am I not human? Do I not bleed?
It was kinda tragic, really.
Well, gee, Chuck, I'm - I'm sorry. I mean, that's...rotten.
Yeah? And it's all your fault!
Mine?!
Yeah! Well, I mean, if we wouldn't have gone for that car...then we wouldn't have gotten into this fight...and I would be with my girl - right here, right now!
It was a leap of logic only a love-struck teenager could make.
Chuck, if there's anything I can do...
As a matter-of-fact, there is. You can forget about that car!
What?
Well, I mean, Kev - come on, you're not gonna sit...in a Pedermeir car now, are you?!
Oh, come on, Chuck. You can't be serious. I mean, you can't be serious.
Her father hates me. She hates me! I mean, doing business with them, well, it'd be like stabbing me in the heart. Right?
Now remember, I really needed those wheels. So there was only one thing I could say.
Listen. Chuck. Lemme just talk to her...
No, no - it won't do any good.
Let me just try.
Alright...you can try. But it won't do any good!
(Cut to library.)
Ah, what did Chuck know about women? She was probably pining away for him right now.
Alice...
I never want to see him again! He's scum, he's a pig, he's a rodent!
Shhh!
He's a cockroach.
On the other hand, maybe the guy had a point.
Alice, a lot of relationships have their ups and downs.
Yeah? Well this one's gone to China. It's over - finished, finito, history! Dead. So...when do you want to go look at my dad's cars?
What?!
Well, we can go this afternoon - I'm not busy.
And the thing was...I was tempted.
Well, the thing is...
(V/O) Am I not human? Do I not bleed?
But...
I don't think I can.
Fine! Then forget it!
And there went my new car.
*
(Cafeteria.)
I was gonna spend the rest of my life as a laughing-stock, a loser.
(Alice walks past Kevin.)
Unless I did something - and soon.
Listen. Alice...
What?
About the car.
Yes?
Maybe it was a mistake, but desperate times require desperate measures.
I changed my mind.
OK! Great!
So...I'll see you after school?
Sure!
And with that, my problems were solved.
(Kevin sees Chuck moping at a table.)
Or maybe...they were just beginning.
(Cut to "Pistol Pete's" used-car corral. Pete, Kevin and Alice are watching Pete's commercial on TV.)
That was a great one, Daddy! Wasn't it, Kevin?
Uh, yeah, sure, it's...great.
And so, that afternoon, I found myself in the thick of it.
So, uh, Mr. Pedermeir...about that car...
Please, son - call me Pete! Helluva guy here, Alice. You know, that other fellow made me nervous, all that twitching and turning around...Well, come on, son! Let's take a look at that car.
Let's go, Kevin!
The more I told myself I was doing the right thing, the more I knew I wasn't.
She's right over here.
After all, this was Chuck's girl.
Alice, are you sure we should be doing this?
What are you talking about?
Well, you see -
There she is...
(Shot of a red sports-car (Sprite?) "Gentlemen, start your engines".)
Four-on-the-floor, fifty-five big horses...zero-to-sixty in one city block.
(Alice grabs Kevin's arm.)
Isn't she beautiful?
Yep, I wanted to say something about Chuck, but all I said was...
I love it!
And ten minutes later, I was in the driver's seat.
She's really something, isn't she?
She sure is.
Why don't you take it out for a test-spin? Get the feel of it.
I could imagine going for a spin with Winnie. The wind in her hair...just the two of us.
Well, let's go!
Or, the three of us.
Oh. Well, uh...ya know, I thought, maybe...(gestures)...I could, maybe, take it out. (Frowns.) By myself. You know...just to, uh, get a feel for it.
Oh. (Frowns.)
Oh. (Frowns.)
There should have been a law against faces that sad.
Or, you know, we could...(gestures)...both...(smiles)...take it for a spin or something.
Great! (Smiles.)
Great! (Smiles.)
*
(On the road.)
And so, we were off. After all, Alice did help me.
It really moves, doesn't it?
Yeah.
We were just two friends. Two friends out for a ride.
You're really a good driver!
Thanks.
Friends enjoying each other's company.
(Alice puts her hand on Kevin's.)
Maybe a little too much.
Well, uh, you know, it's-it's time we better head back.
Why? It's still early...
But...
Come on, this is fun!
OK, maybe I was just imagining things...but it seemed clear it was time for a little talk.
(They stop at a signal.)
Maybe I'd ease into it with some friendly banter.
This car's really somethin'.
(Alice looks at Kevin silently.)
But it took two to banter.
You're really something.
Oh, God - it was worse than I thought.
Well...lot's of people are really somethin'. I mean, you're really somethin'...and, Chuck, well, Chuck - he's really somethin'.
Chuck's a twerp!
And then I heard the twenty-four words I dreaded most.
Kevin, maybe I shouldn't be saying this...
That was seven of them.
I mean, it's kind of hard to admit...
And that was eight more.
But I have always had a crush on you.
And that made the dreaded twenty-four.
Alice...
It was from the first time I saw you. Remember you opened the boy's room door, and I accidentally bumped into it? And you went on and on about how sorry you were?
I didn't have a clue.
Course I remember. (Smiles) But it's just...the way things are now. I mean, there's Winnie, and -
Kevin? When you're in love, you can't let anything stand in your way.
There comes a time when you have to be honest. When you have to lay it all on the line - no matter how much it hurts.
Listen. Alice...I like you - a lot! But -
Oh, Kevin!
(Alice hugs Kevin, as Chuck pulls up next to them.)
I'm so happy! I thought you felt that way!
It was about as bad as things could get.
(Kevin turns and sees Chuck, as Chuck sees them.)
And then it got worse.
You mean everything to me!
Oh, my God!
(Kevin pushes Alice away.)
Chuck! She doesn't mean anything to me, Chuck! Believe me, Chuck - nothing!
(Alice starts to cry.)
Nothing. She - she doesn't mean anything to me, Chuck!
(Chuck speeds off.)
Nothing! She - Chuck?! Nothing, Chuck!
At that moment, my only thought was to get out of there, fast.
(Kevin tries to start the car, which has evidentally stalled.)
Unfortunately, the car wouldn't cooperate.
What's wrong with this thing, anyway?
It's the alternator.
And there it was. An evening full of broken friendships, broken cars, and broken hearts.
(Shot of a tow-truck returning the car to "Pete's".)
I don't know what hurt more - finding out my new car was a lemon, or that I was.
(Cut to school hallway. Kevin sees Chuck at his locker.)
And that next day, no matter how much I tried to avoid it, I was gonna have to face the music. An angry suitor. A jilted lover. A friend betrayed.
Uh...Chuck?
Hey...Kevo. What do ya say?
Uh...
Great day, huh?
Yeah...
Amazing! For a man who had been practically suicidal, this guy was looking decidedly chipper.
Listen, Chuck, uh...about last night.
Hey, don't worry about it!
(Chuck is shoving books into his locker.)
I mean, I understand.
You do?
Yeah. Alice told me the whole story.
She did?
Yeah. She told me...how, uh, you told her that...you had this crush on her for all these years. And that, you know, you were just using your car...to get closer and everything. I mean, actually, it's kind of pathetic. Because, you know, all you had to do was tell me how you felt, but no...you had to go behind my back instead.
(Chuck stuffs more books in his locker.)
Not that I blame you. I mean really, who could resist a girl like Alice? Right?
And that's when I realized...when it comes to love, there is no truth.
Exactly...
(Chuck slams his locker, and Alice approaches and holds Chuck's arm.)
Chuck? Hi, Pooky!
Hey...
So, uh, I guess everything's...OK now, right?
Yeah.
(Chuck motions Alice to step back.)
Except for, uh, one thing.
The weird thing was, I actually thought he was going to thank me for bringing them back together.
(Chuck slugs Kevin, who falls down.)
Are you OK, Pooky?
I'm fine, sweet-potatuh.
Bye, Kev!
You want to go out tonight?
Yeah, sure!
(Cut to a party. Chuck and Alice are dancing.)
I never did get that car. I got my old one back from "Pistol Pete". But I guess I did learn a few things from this mess. When it comes to couples, mind your own business. When it comes to women, you'll never understand them. And, when it comes to cars...
(Cut to Kevin and Winnie looking at the motor of Kevin's car.)
Right - I'll have this fixed in a minute.
Sure.
Always bring a wrench.

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(Ep 106 - "Ladies and Gentlemen...The Rolling Stones)

(In the cafeteria.)
This is totally ridiculous, Chuck! (Gestures.)
I swear to God, it's true! (Gestures.)
Well, I'm sorry - the Rolling Stones don't come within...(gestures)...three hundred miles of this town.
It was a dull week in the winter of 'seventy-three. So the rumor had spread like wildfire.
I'm tellin' ya...Friday night, the Stones are gonna be at a place called "Joe's", out on Highway 9!
Right...(Nods.)
(Chuck frowns and nods slightly at Kevin.)
By junior year, I'd been down the old rumor-trail one too many times.
There's no way. Paul? Tell 'em.
It's a zillion-to-one. It's not gonna happen!
I rest my case. (Gestures.)
(Chuck frowns slightly.)
Maybe I was a little tough on the guy...but it was so clear to anyone with even a semblance of intelligence.
(Jeff approaches and sits down next to Chuck.)
Hey, you guys hear about the Stones?
(Chuck smirks at Kevin and gestures toward Jeff.)
*
(At the diner.)
Absolute confirmation! Alright, Gary Zerwinski's sister...she's a, she's a stewardess, right? (Nods.) She met Keith Richards on a flight to New York last year.
(Winnie smiles excitedly.)
Ooooh!
Yeah - so, so?
I don't believe this!
Anyways, they got to New York, had a couple drinks - plural...and now the Stones are back in...the US of A...and who does Keith Richards want to see?
Shirley...
Zerwinski. (Smiles.)
Voila!

*
(Night on the road, in Jack's car.)
And so that night, in a semi-stolen car...we were en route to the experience of a lifetime. Me, my girl...
(Shot of Paul, Chuck and Jeff in the back seat.)
And Larry, Moe, and Curly.
(Chuck chews some Raisinets, puts more in his mouth, then leans forward, between Winnie and Kevin.)
Hey, you want some?
Hey - no food in the car. (Frowns.)
This isn't food!
(Chuck holds the box toward Winnie.)
Here.
(Winnie cups her hand under the box as Chuck pours some out.)
Thanks.
(The car hits a bump, and Chuck spills some Raisinets.)
Wups...(Laughs.)
Oh, man - nice move. (Frowns.)
*
(Later on the road.)
So...forty-seven miles, three pit stops, and any number of squashed Raisinets later...we arrived at -
Here it is - "Joe's Place".
Just one little problem.
(Cut to shot a man in suspenders approaching the camera, carrying a tray with two beer bottles on it. Country music plays.)
The who? (Frowns.)
(Chuck rest his hands on Jeff and Kevin's shoulder and leans forward, smiling.)
Not "The Who" - the Rolling Stones.
(The man turns toward an older couple.)
Hey, Joe?
(The woman looks at him.)
Hmmm?
Ya got the Rolling Stones comin' here?
The who?
(The man turns toward the guys.)
I reckon not.
(Chuck walks off.)
And, faced with the first disappointment of the evening...we did what red-blooded teenagers did best.
(Kevin stands directly in front of Jeff.)
You mean we drove over an hour...and there's...(gestures)...no Rolling Stones?
We turned on each other.
Well don't look at me - it's not my fault. (Frowns.)
And then we passed the buck.
(They look at Winnie.)
What? (Frowns.) It's not mine, either!
And...we pointed fingers.
(They look at Paul.)
No way! (Frowns.) It was Chuck! (Points.)
(Chuck is standing next to a pay-phone, holding an open telephone book.)
Hey, look at this! (Points.) There're a whole mess of "Joe's".
(Chuck rips out a page.)
Hey, you! That's my Yellow Pages!
Woops. Uh, yeah, let's hit it.
(They all run toward the door.)
Bye!
(Cut to shot of the rear tire and ground as the car pulls away.)
Come on - gun it!
And with that...we were once again off on our mission.
(Sound of a police siren.)
Only this time...we had company.
Pull your vehicle to the side of the road!
I don't believe this! (Gestures.)
Now!
Holy Cow! (Frowns.)
(Chuck tries to stuff the telephone book page in his shirt, then rapidly puts it in his mouth as the policeman walks toward the car.)
It was almost ironic. We had travelled halfway across the world...to get busted for stealing page two-hundred-and-nineteen of the Bell telephone book.
Kind of a jack-rabbit start back there, wasn't it pal?
Uh, uh...no sir...I-I mean...yessir.
May I see your driver's license please?
And no amount of logic was gonna get me out of this one.
(Chuck frowns slightly and a little of the paper sticks out of his mouth.)
I was stuck. Dead.
*
(Winnie talked the policeman out of giving Kevin a ticket. They ended up at "Wally's Inn", with a big crowd, but were told the Stones were not there.)
Kevin, I'm really sorry.
Nah, forget about it. (Smiles.)
What the heck. This wasn't the time for "I told you so's" or rubbing it in.
No, you were the only one who knew how ridiculous we sounded.
Ah, come on. I mean we came here...we had a good time...what more could you ask? Right, guys?
(Paul, Chuck and Jeff look glum.)
It felt pretty good.
(Kevin smiles as he starts the car.)
I was was generous, I was non-chalant. I was...
(The car goes backward about four feet and bumps another car.)
An idiot! Suddenly my goodwill ebbed.
(Kevin kicks the bumper and points at it.)
Now look at what you made me do! (Frowns.)
Hey! (Gestures.) We weren't driving.

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(Ep 108 - "Hulk Arnold")

(Wrestling in gym, Kevin has Chuck in a headlock.)
Around the middle of my junior year, I found out something about myself.
Kevin, I can't breathe!
It'll just take a second.
For some strange reason - don't ask me how, don't ask me why...
(The teacher slaps the mat.)
Pin!
I was good at wrestling.
Good combinations in there! Alright - who's next, for Arnold?
(The guys hem and haw nervously.)
Not to brag, or anything.
(Cut to the locker room. Kevin is buttoning his shirt as Chuck limps to his locker.)
Hey, sorry, Chuck! I guess you're just havin' a bad day...
Course, I didn't mind gloating a little.
I don't understand it - I did everything right!
Ah, no, when you do everything right - it's the other guy who's sore.
That's very funny. I just wish we'd start softball, again.
Well, you are showing improvement.
(Chuck shakes his heads and limps away.)
*
(Kevin has joined the wrestling team. Now, in the caferteria.)
So how's it going, hay-stacks?
How's what going?
The wrestling, what else?!
Well, it's going...OK, Chuck?
During the next couple of days, the pressure bagan to build.
A little edgy, aren't we?
It's just that the first meet is coming up. You gonna wrestle that guy, Gurney?
What's a Gurney?
Doug Gurney! This guy took State, last year. The kid's made out of like, titanium, or something!
(Kevin tosses his fork down in exasperation.)
Chuck!
He's pinned everybody he's faced. He's like, the King Kong of wrestling! I'm definitely going to this match.
I wouldn't miss it.
No, you don't want to do that! I mean, I might not even get to wrestle.
Much less make the team.
Of course you're gonna get a chance to wrestle - you're a natural! Heh, you beat me, didn't you?
Face it, Kev - I mean you've-you've-you've got a gift. (Gestures.)
Terrific. I was the only non-starter with his own personalized fanclub.
You're gonna be great!
Can't wait to see ya out there.
Thanks.
Yeah.

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(Ep 109 - "Nose")

(Shot of a boy, then a girl, looking at themselves in the mirror.)
In high school, appearances are everything. The way you look. The way you wish you look. Nobody is satisfied. Which is maybe why, throughout the halls and classrooms, we hear the one universal cry.
(Bell rings. Cut to library.)
What's wrong with me?
Ricky Halsenbach. When it came to inferiority complexes, he had them all.
Everybody's got a date for the dance but me.
Ah, come on Ricky. Everyone doesn't have a date.
I do.
It's not just the dance. It seems like every guy I know has got a girl.
Oh, come on - that's not true.
Maybe it's my technique. You know, sometimes I walk by couples just to try to listen in on what they're saying. And ya know, they're not saying anything special. They're just saying stuff like..."pass the pepper". I can say that. So what's wrong with me?
Now, of course, the guy was a friend, so we wanted to be supportive.
Hey, Ricky...ya know, you're gonna find a girl - it just takes time.
Sometimes it takes years.
*
(In the cafeteria, Ricky is eyeing Hayley.)
Ricky Holsenbach...was in love.
Look at her. She's really gorgeous. (Smiles.)
And not just in love. I'm talking madly, head-over-heels, blind-as-a-bat, in love.
As soon as I saw her, I knew she was the one.
(Jeff approaches and sits down.)
Who's the one?
Her.
(Jeff looks over his shoulder.)
Whoa!
Yeah...she's really something, isn't she?
Yeah - she's uh, definitely hard to forget.
Yeah - I wish I could meet her.
Well, if you like her so much, go over and talk to her. (Gestures.)
Well, I mean...what would I say?
How about "pass the pepper"? (Smiles.)
Just say "hi".
Well, you think that'll work?
Go over and see. (Gestures.)
OK. OK - here I go. I'm gonna do it. I'm going.
(Ricky stands slowly.)
And as Ricky boldly ventured forth...we, of course, gave him all the encouragement we could.
Don't spit when you talk.
(The guys look at each other and start to giggle. Ricky approaches Hayley.)
After all, it was kind of a big moment for the guy.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi. (Nods.)
But while Ricky was doing his best to be noticed...
They uh, they look good together.
Yeah-yeah...I think they make a nice couple.
They seem...right for each other.
We were doing our best not to notice the obvious.
Hey, ya know...it seems she's got a lot on the ball. (Nods.)
Yeah. And she has a...lot on her face.
(The guys laugh.)
Until we did.
Come on guys - we shouldn't be doing this.
Yeah, I guess you're right. We shouldn't be doing this.
They look good together. (Nods.)
Yeah. She's got...great eyes, and great hair...
And a...great sense of smell.
(The guys laugh again.)
*
(In the hallway, Kevin has just promised Winnie not to make fun of Hayley's nose.)
After all, did I look like an insensitive cretin?
(Cut to the diner. Kevin, Winnie, Chuck and Jeff are in a booth. Sound of a car horn.)
Can you believe the size of that honker?
(Chuck smiles and Jeff laughs under his breath.)
They were the insensitive cretins.
(Winnie frowns. Chuck looks off.)
Oh, God...
What?
They're walking in here right now.
Yep. Here comes the three of them.
(Jeff and Chuck giggle as Ricky and Hayley approach.)

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(Ep 110 - "Eclipse")

(Kevin, Winnie, Chuck and Alice in the bus on the way to the planetarium.)
Truth or dare?
Truth.
Who is the best kisser you've ever kissed?
The best? That would be...you!
Are you going to play for real or not?
We are! I asked her an honest question, and...she gave me an honest answer.
Right!
I mean, no one is taking this seriously.
Yeah. You could really learn a lot from this game.
Maybe that's what they're afraid of. Right, Pooh Bear?
Uh-huh, huh, huh.
OK. Truth or dare?
Truth.
Make it a hard one.
OK. If you had to change one thing about me, what would it be?
Now, of course, moments like this had to be handled carefully.
I wouldn't change a thing.
Oh, come on, Kevin. There's gotta be something about me you want to change. You can tell me.
No. Nothing.
Forget it! This is joke.
Come on, Kevin. You can tell me.
Well, I am! I mean, you're perfect. In fact, if I was absolutely forced to pick one thing, that would be it.
What would?
Well, I'd have to say, if anything, sometimes you're too perfect.
Heh-heh.
Too perfect?
Uh-oh!
*
Come on, Pooky, we'll show them how it's done.
Chucky, what's the one thing you would change about me? Honestly!
I guess it would have to be, uh...your voice.
What do you mean? What's wrong with my voice?
Not your voice. Ah, your hair.
You don't like my hair?!
No, I like it.
Oh, you ought to talk, Brillohead!
Come on, guys.
Pooky, this is just a game!
Fine! My turn. Truth or dare? I choose truth! Who is the weasliest, most disgusting, grossest thing that I have ever laid eyes on in my whole entire life!?
Maybe we should not play this anymore.
I'm glad I found out how you really feel about me.
(Alice gets up.)
Pooky?
Get out of my way!
(Alice approaches Louis' seat. He is reading a magazine about World War II. Alice stops. Louis looks up.)
Move over. Move! I'm so mad I could explode!
*
(Outside the rest stop.)
Alice, you have a beautiful voice! Like a nightingale.
Shut up, ratface!
*
(Roadside restroom.)
It's no use. She won't even come out of the ladies' room.
Remember, Arnold, two-fifteen sharp. Cover your ears. (Louis leaves.)
Wait a minute. (Frowns.) I thought we just weren't supposed to look at the eclipse. (Nods.)
Forget it, Chuck.
What am I supposed to do? I should have played it safe like you.
Yeah, right.
(Harlan passes by them on his way out.)
Excuse me.
(Mary Jo is leaning against the wall outside the door.)
Harlan, right?
(Harlan nods slightly, and Mary Jo holds out a "Yodel" snack.)
Want a Yodel?
(The door closes.)
Yodel-ay-ee-hoo.
I was just so confused. I mean there were so many things to choose from.
Look, Chuck, I've got my own problems, OK?
(He leaves Chuck in the men's room.)
The way I saw it, in the dog-eat-dog world of scientific exploration, it was every man for himself.
I don't think it looks like Brillo...
(Chuck turns the doorknob, but it won't open.)
Somebody let me out! I'm going to miss the bus!
*
(On the bus.)
He better not try to sit here, either. I don't want him anywhere near me!
As things turned out, that wouldn't really be a problem.
*
Hey, don't you joke. Let me out now! I'm counting to three. One, two, three...four! Let me out!
*
(Outside the planetarium. Alice approaches Kevin.)
Kevin, have you seen Chuck anywhere?
No!
Well, can you tell him wherever he went to stay away, because I don't want to see him!
Sure. Fine. I gotta go. (Exits.)
Men!
All in all, it promised to be one heck of an eclipse.
*
(Roadside Reststop.)
As for Chuck...from now on, he was navigating by the seat of his pants.
(Chuck climbs through the window of the men's room and runs toward the road.)
Where is everybody? Hey. Hey! Hello. Hello? Taxi?! (Gestures.)
(Chuck sees a truck coming up the road in distance. He waves and jumps around.)
Hey, hey! Ride! Gimme a ride!
(The truck slows up and Chuck get in.)
Man, thanks for the ride. You won't believe this but you probably just saved my -
(Chuck looks at the driver, who looks like Charles Manson.)
Don't mention it.
So, I guess we're probably getting pretty close to the planetarium. Thanks for picking me up. You know what I was thinking about? You know that Al-Alfred Hitchcock episode? The one where this guy is picking up all these hitchhikers., and... He's got this big butcher knife and he k-. Never mind. You probably didn't see the episode, did you?
Twenty-seven times.
(Chuck blinks, jumps out of the truck and rolls down a slope.)
*
(On a hill next to the planetarium.)
Alice! Pooky! I made it!
*
(Outside the planetarium.)
And then, finally, I jumped out of the truck and I ran all the way to the planetarium so that I could see y-
Chuck? Instead of making up these idiotic stories, just be a man for once and say that you're sorry.
But I-I. I mean I did.
(Alice shakes her head.)
I'm sorry, Pooky.
I forgive you, Pooh Bear.
(They smile and hug.)

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(Ep 111 - "Poker")

(Chuck sets his cards on the table.)
Nothin' but ace-high.
(Chuck rubs his forehead as Paul sets his cards on the table.)
Two pair. Nines and fours. (Smiles.)
The bi-monthly, Friday-night, high-stakes poker game.
Jeff? (Gestures.)
Junior year...it was ritual.
Three kings. (Smiles.)
(The others frown as Jeff pulls in the money.)
Don't worry guys. It's goin' to a good cause. Me.
Course, it was more than just a rotating tournament, depending on whose parents where out for the evening...and it was about more than just cold hard cash.
OK - nickel ante.
This game was defined by personality. Ours.
OK, boys.
(Chuck rubs his hands together and smiles.)
How about a little night baseball, huh?
(He sticks out his thumb.)
Nines are wild...
(He sticks out his index finger.)
Threes are wild. Any picture-card with facial hair...(gestures)...wild. (Nods.)
*
(Later in the scene...)
And despite our different styles...we maintained the easy give-and-take of friendship that I knew would endure well into the future.
(Fade to fantasy. The images of the guys are replaced by those of old men. Some tuba music plays thoughout.)
Don't put the glass right on the table. (Gestures.) My father'll kill me if he sees a stain.
I'm fairly certain these old chairs of yours are aggravating my prostate.
This hand's an all-time beaut. You should frame it.
OK, then...who needs cards?
Gimme four.
Anyone else?
Three.
Uh, give me two. Uh, uh, no wait, um...better make that three.
Jeff?
None. (Gestures.)
None? (Gestures.) You sure?
I fold.<BR> I fold.
Well, then...guess I'm the lucky winner.
(Fade to reality.)
Still, we weren't old men yet. We were teenage boys. Innocent. Uncomplicated.
So, is anyone hungry? (Nods.)
Hungry.
Let's go.
(Cut to the kitchen. Chuck flips on the light as the guys enter, then he opens a cabinet.)
I got chips...
The eight-o'clock snack break. A chance to mix simple pleasantries with complex carbohydrates and starch.
(Paul gives the guys a hard time about eating junk-food, then exits to get an orange from his car.)
Boy, he doesn't quit, does he?
What do you mean? (Smiles.)
Well, it's just that he's kinda like, um...how shall I say it? Not fun. (Gestures.)
A major downer. (Nods.)
What are you guys talking about?
Uh, Kev? About the ski-trip over Spring vacation...
Yeah, we're all still goin', right?
See the thing is...(gestures)...we don't think we're gonna have room for Pfeiffer.
What do ya mean? I thought...(gestures)...all of us were goin'.
Well, it's not Paul so much. It's just that, uh...(gestures)...Chuck's car...only-only fits four people.
You can check the manual.
And my uncle's cabin only has four beds. (Gestures.)
So, what are you guys trying to say?
Even though it was pretty clear.
(Jeff looks past Kevin, covers his mouth and coughs as Paul returns.)
So, what did I miss?
Now, Paul Pfeiffer has been my best friend for seventeen years. I'd always told him everything.
(Kevin smiles and shakes his head slightly.)
Nothing. Really. No, we were just, uh...talking.
Well, come on guys. Let's get back to the game.
*
(Back at the game, Chuck puts a coin in the pot and frowns at his cards.)
Chuck, the bet is a quarter. You threw in a nickel.
(Chuck looks up distractedly.)
Uh...right.
(Chuck removes his coin and puts it in his pile. He holds up another coin.)
Quarter.
(He puts it in the pot.)
By eight-thirty, Chuck Coleman's natural ebullience was fading fast.
So, Chuck - what's wrong with you? (Frowns.)
Nothin'! (Gestures.) I just...have some stuff on my mind.
What kind of stuff?
Uh, you know. Eh...(gestures)...me and Alice. (Frowns.)
What - are you guys fighting again?
No, it's nothing like that. (Frowns.)
Well, if you're not fighting, what are you two doing?
(Chuck looks off, then frowns and looks down. Music "Piano Concerto No. 1" - Tchaikovsky starts. Kevin looks at his cards, then pauses and looks up. Jeff glances toward Kevin, then Chuck.)
There are moments in life that alter history...and change the course of human events.
You didn't...
This was one of them.
(Chuck looks off and smiles, and nods slightly.)
Alright, Chuck!
Way to go, Coleman.
It was a stirring revelation which merited only one response.
You know, I hope you used some kind of protection. (Frowns.)
(Kevin and Chuck smile, then frown as the music grinds down slowly.)
Huh?
I said, I hope you used protection. (Nods.)
(Chuck looks off, then shrugs and gestures.)
Course I did, Pfeiffer. I mean, what kind of stooge do you take me for?
Ask an idiotic question...
Look - are we gonna play cards or not?
No, I'm out.
Me, too.
Yeah, me too.
(Paul give Jeff a hard time about smoking a cigar, then goes to his car for air-freshener.)
I guess you could say Paul's consistency...was getting a little too consistent.
(Chuck puts his head down and rubs his neck.)
Uh...brother.

*
(Kevin talked to Paul outside about "lightening up". Now, they are back at the game. Paul is spraying air-freshener toward Jeff, who blows smoke toward Paul.)
Straight.
That's not a straight.
Of course it is. Look. Two-three-four-five-six.
Two-three-four-five...nine. You know what two-three-four-five-nine is? Nothing.
Boy, Randy...maybe you should be studying your math.
Yeah, really funny.
Which, of course, it was. To us, anyway.
Hey, will you guys just shut up? (Gestures.) For your information...I failed my last three trigonometry tests. When I flunk out, I bet it'll be really hilarious.
Oh, come on...(gestures)...you're not gonna flunk out.
Oh, yeah? My guidance counsellor says if I don't pass, I'm not gonna graduate. What do ya say to that?
And of course, there was only one thing to say.
Three kings.
(Chuck looks down, and shakes his head as he frowns and starts to cry.)
Of course, some of us were taking the news harder than others.
(Randy frowns slightly, then rubs Chucks shoulder.)
Chuck, it'll be OK...I still have a chance to pass. (Gestures.) If I apply myself, maybe -
Who cares about you? (Gestures.)
What's the matter, Chuck? (Gestures.) You can't beat three kings? (Chuckles.)
I think Alice is pregnant.
Here, congratulations.
(Jeff leans forward and holds his cigar toward Chuck.)
Have a cigar.
(Chuck frowns and swats Jeff's hand.)
I knew it. I knew it. (Frowns.)
Shut up, Paul!
I was just tryin' to help. (Gestures.)
Yeah, well, don't.
It's been said sobering news travels in bunches. And after ninety minutes of poker...there was no shortage of sobering news.
How could I be so stupid?
(Kevin finds a playing card under Jeff's shoe.)
You cheated. (Frowns.)
I did not. My fingers were greasy from the potato chips. (Gestures.) I-I-I'm sure a card, ya know, just...shot right outta my hands.
(Jeff puffs his cigar.)
Alright. Alright. (Gestures.) Then ask yourselves this - why would I possibly cheat at cards? (Smiles.)
Well, the way I see it...your motive is greed.
Excuse me, Lieutenant Columbo, maybe I'm just a better card-player than all you guys. (Smiles.) You ever think of that?!
I can't take this anymore.
(Chuck stands up and exits toward the kitchen.)
This is insane!
(Jeff blows some smoke toward Paul who sprays air-freshener.)
And somehow...I couldn't avoid the thought maybe Chuck was right.
(Cut to the dark kitchen, where Kevin joins Chuck.)
You OK?
(Chuck looks at him, then down, then back to Kevin.)
Listen, I-I know what you're thinking. (Gestures.) That my life would be over.
No...(Smiles.)
No, I-I know how it sounds. But it wouldn't be that bad, really. I mean, Alice and I...we could live in my parents' attic until we graduate high school...and after that...we could live in the garage...
Chuck, why don't you wait till you find out for sure? (Gestures.) I mean, it's not like you're a doctor, or anything. (Smiles.)
(Chuck frowns at Kevin.)
You think so? (Smiles.)
Yeah. (Gestures.) Yeah, I mean...how much do you really know about biology, anyway?
Apparently just enough to be dangerous.
*
(Back at the game, Jeff deals, flipping over several cards in the process.)
And so, there we were - five friends playing poker.
Hey. Maybe if you dealt a little slower...
(Jeff deals a card face up to Chuck, who picks it up.)
My cards wouldn't end up in the cheese puffs. (Frowns.)
Five friends arguing and sniping. Carping, and whining. Taking humbrage at even the pettiest offense.
Yeah, well maybe if you learned how to shuffle, you could deal once in a while, huh?
You call that dealing?
Suffer.
Five friends who couldn't agree on a thing.
Hey. We're out of food.
Except one thing.
Yeah, someone should run out and get more.
So, who wants to go? Kev?
What...(gestures)...leave you guys with all the cards?
*
(They decide to all go together, and are just parking outside the market.)
God, why does it take five guys to go get food?
Because we're hungry. (Gestures.)
Because we're morons.
Hey, who you callin' a moron.
Hey, figure it out, Sherlock.
Hey - you guys maybe quit pickin' on each other?
I'm gonna go get stuff, OK?
No, you go...and you'll come back with twelve pounds of fruit.
Woops.
(Paul looks off.)
Stupid. (Frowns.)
What did you say, Paul? (Frowns.)
Nothing.
No - because I heard you say something. (Nods.)
I didn't say anything.
Well, here's what I say. Maybe you're a moron, but let me tell you something. Stewart and Irene Coleman didn't raise any morons.
No, you deserve all the credit for that, right?
I'm outta here. (Exits.)
Me, too. (Exits.)
*
(Inside, Kevin and Paul argue about the other guys, who now follow them in.)
Hey, I can't even sit in the car with you morons.
Shut up, Chuck.
(Randy looks at Jeff.)
You know, I wouldn't have be here if it wasn't for your cheating.
Hey, Mr. Mathwhiz, don't you have some studying to do, or something?
Look, shut up about my math already. At least I don't cheat.
Maybe you should - you haven't won a hand in three months.
Why don't you both take a hike. You sound like you're married.
I don't believe you guys. (Nods.) You know you make me sick?
Oh, yeah? (Frowns.) Well...(shrugs)...what are ya gonna do about it?
What am I gonna do about it? (Frowns.) What are you gonna do about it? (Nods.)
*
(The last hand of the night, Chuck sets two cards face down on the table.)
Two.
The play was intense. The conversation...at a minimum.
Two.
What had begun three hours ago as a simple game among friends...
Three.
Had, by ten-thirty, developed into an all-out grudge-match.
One.
(Chuck frowns at Jeff, then glances at Kevin.)
I'll take two.
Suddenly, we were no longer boys playing a man's game. We were men. Men at war. Defending our turf. Standing our ground.
Alright. I bet twenty cents.
(Chuck puts in some money, then looks at Randy, who puts money in the pot.)
Thirty.
Thirty-five.
And I'll raise you...fifty.
Fifty-one.
It was time to show no mercy. Take no prisoners. The bets were down.
Pair 'o jacks.
A straight. Almost.
Two pair - jacks and nines.
Three sevens.
It's up to you, Jeff.
And then...
I fold. I got nothin'.
You mean, I win?
You win.
I won. (Smiles.) I can't believe it - I won.
At the very brink of disillusionment and despair...Randy Mitchell, the perpetual loser...finally won a hand.
(The telephone rings.)
I'll get it.
(Kevin walks to the phone and picks it up.)
Hello? .......Yeah. Yeah, hang on. Chuck, it's Alice.
(Chuck looks at the guys, then stands up and takes the phone from Kevin, then shrugs and shakes his head slightly.)
Alice?.........That's great. (Smiles.) Uh...that-that's great.........Yeah. Me, too. I'll call you when I get home. OK, bye.
(Chuck hangs up the phone, looks at Kevin, then looks at the guys and gestures.)
She's not pregnant! (Smiles.)
And there you had it. Fortune in men's lives. Face it. In poker, and friendship...anything could happen.
(Cut to the porch as Kevin opens the door and steps outside.)
And anything usually did.
(Randy leads the others out of the house.)
Seeya later, guys.
Thanks, Kev. Guess I'll go hit the books. (Gestures.)
Seeya.
Boy...(gestures)...I will never have sex again. (Frowns.)
(Chuck passes the camera.)
(Faintly): Hey, wait up!
Hey, Jeff. Sorry about that last hand.
Well...(gestures)...he deserved to win one. Seeya Monday, man. (Exits.)
Bye. (Smiles.)
(Faintly): Hey, Coleman...you owe me seven bucks.
(Faintly): I do not.
(Faintly): I want an IOU.
*
(Kevin imagines the guys as old men.)
Jeff...what's that under your sleeve?
My cufflink.
Yeah? Well that cufflink better not be able to beat three queens.
Never mind...
With a little luck...
(Present-day Kevin smiles, turns off the light, and turns toward his room.)
Things just might turn out OK.
So, whatcha got?
I got bupkus.
So. Anyone hungry?

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(Ep 114 - "Summer")

Oh well, so my plans for summer had turned to carpenter's glue.
(Jeff enters the diner, and sits at a booth next to Chuck, opposite Kevin and Paul, and spreads out a map.)
At least I still had my loyal friends.
We're leaving.
What?!
We're driving cross-country.
You're kidding!
Well, we're going to New York, then New Orleans, then San Francisco.
This town is closing in on us.
Great. (To Paul): I guess it's just me and you this summer.
Yeeeeah, except, uh, I'm going to be busy with advanced summer-school courses.
Oh, oh, yeah, I was gonna do that, too, but I decided to have a life.
Terrific. What am I supposed to do now?
Well...why don't you come with us?
Yeah. What do you say, Kev?
Y-yeah, we'll be on the road!
We'll be living by our wits.
Go wherever we want to go.
Do what we want to do.
If we want to wake up in Kansas City -
We'll wake up in Kansas City. Think about it...
(Kevin looks interested.)
And faced with the call of the open road, the song of the highway, the lure of total irresponsibility...
You're dreamin'. Your parents are never gonna let you go.
(Kevin ponders.)
There was really only one reply.
I'm in.
* (At dinner, Kevin tells Jack about his plans.)
You're out.
* Look. There's no sense in discussing this any further. You're not going, and that's final!
*
(Kevin puts his sleeping bag in the back of Chuck's car.)
And so, three days later, I got up at dawn.
Hey, thanks for letting us use your sleeping bag.
No problem.
To say goodbye to my friends.
Hey! We'll send you a post-card from New Orleans.
You're gonna have a great time.
Nah, come on, it won't be that good.
J&C: Yes it will! (Smiles.)
I keep thinkin' were gonna meet these two girls, and they're both gonna fall in love with me.
Hnnn!
Good luck!
We're not eating till St. Louis.
(Kevin looks after Chuck and Jeff, as they wave their outstretched hands.)
Seeya!
(Big car backfire. Chuck honks.)

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11/27/14 08:59