Randall Mitchell



(Ep 10 - "Steady As she Goes")

Becky Slater...is breaking up with you.
What? She's breaking up with me?
Oh, God. We didn't mean to tell you. We thought everybody knew.
(Randy approaches and taps Kevin's arm.)
Hey, Arnold. Tough luck about Slater.

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(Ep 21 - "Square Dance")

(In gym, Kevin is paired with the weird girl, Margaret, for square dancing. She is asking Mr. Cutlip a lot of questions.)
Is that clockwise, or the other way around?
Did I ask for questions? (Frowns.) I always ask for questions!
That was Maragaret. She could get on the nerves of any teacher. Including Gandhi.
Arnold! Step to the center. Now!
Go get 'em, tiger!

*
(After gym. In the hallway, Mike and Randy catch up to Kevin.)
Hey, Arnold!
Here it came. The sharks to the kill.
Looked pretty happy out there with Farquhar. (Smiles.)
Yeah. Thrilled. (Frowns.)
Uh, excuse me, but, uh...why do they call it "do-si-do"?
(Mike taps Randy on the shoulder.)
Duhhhh...
Duhhhh...
(Kevin opens his locker. Randy smiles and reaches toward Kevin's ear.)
Scrub behind your ears, Arnold? Gotta watch out for cooties!
OK - I had to nip this in the bud. I had a reputation at stake here.
Well, maybe I'll be sick this week, and then one of you will have to dance with her.
(Randy and Mike look at each other.)
Keep this boy healthy!
(Randy smiles and rubs Kevin's head, then Mike rubs Kevin's head.)
Duhhhh...
(The boys walk away.)
Duhhhh...
Duhhhh...
*
(Mr. Cutlip is calling the square dance.)
Girls to the center - form a star.
Suddenly, I felt singled out.
Boys to the center - same as before.
(Kevin steps forward.)
A marked man.
(The boys join hands and Kevin sighs as they start to circle around.)
Havin' fun? (Smiles.)
In your dreams. (Frowns.)
*
(In the locker room.)
Hey, Romeo! (Smiles.)
Yeah! Romeo and Farquharet!
Oh, Romeo! Oh, Romeo! Where Farquhart thou oh, Romeo?
Duhhhh...
Duhhhh...
Duhhhh...
Duhhhh...
*
That night I went to Margaret's house. But only because I promised. OK - maybe it was more than that. Heck - she did have a tarantula in there. And it was dark...no one would ever see me...
(Kevin rings the doorbell.)
Unless of course, someone happened to pass by. Someone I knew...someone who knew Margaret. Someone like...
Yoohoo!
(Kevin turns around quickly. In a fantasy, Randy and Mike stand in the street, and Randy has a bullhorn.)
Ke-vin! Look, everybody! It's Kevin Arnold!
*
(In the hallway, Kevin and Margaret are in an argument.)
Why don't you want to talk to me?!
Well, it's not that I don't want to talk to you, ya know...(Shrugs.)
You don't want me to talk to you?
See? She was twisting it all around...
How can you be friends if you don't want to talk to somebody?!
(Randy and Mike approach.)
Hey, hey, hey! What's goin' on here?
Uh...
I don't understand this! What's so awful about talking!
Hey, Arnold - looks like honeymoon time! (Smiles.)
Hey, Arnold? You pop the question yet?
Hah-hah. (Frowns.) Very funny.
Hey, uh, Farky? Why do they call these things pigtails?
(Margaret frowns at Randy and slaps his hand away.)
It was horrible. I wanted to tell them to knock it off - leave her alone. And Margaret - I wanted to scream at her. Why did she have to be so weird? Why couldn't she just be normal?! I wanted to say something...but I didn't. I couldn't.
Duhhhh...
(Margaret angrily drops her books.)
It was Margaret who did the talking.
I thought you were different.
(Mike and Randy turn to each other.)
Oohhh...(Smiles.)
(Margaret looks at Kevin a moment, then turns and walks away.)

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(Ep 27 - "Mom Wars")

(The guys are playing "no equipment" football in the park.)
Sure it was reckless. But nobody got hurt.
(Doug is lying on his back, after getting gang-tackled.)
Doug?
Much.
Is he breathing?
I think so.
Are you breathing, Doug?
*
(In the kitchen, Norma is worried someone is going to get hurt.)
No one's going to get injured, Mom.
(The guys): Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
(Cut to the park. Randy is running back a kick-off, and gets gang tackled. Paul and Kevin run up and look at him.)
At least not permanently.
Jeez, Paul! (Frowns.) Where were ya?! I told ya I was gonna lateral it to you!
Well, I tripped. This is a very poor playing surface.
Hey, Randy - you OK?
(Randy is still on the ground.)
Yeah...
*
(Kevin returns a kick-off and gets creamed.)
OK - alright! This game is over!
Says who?
Says me! This game is called on account of darkness. And that's all, there's nothing else to say. Now everyone just go home! Go on!
He's probably right - it's gettin' late.
Yeah, I got dinner.
We'll do it again tomorrow.

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(Ep 39 - "Glee Club")

(In glee club with Paul.)
It isn't fair. Every other group gets to sing some songs and stuff - why can't we? (Frowns.)
Well, maybe because we...(big smile)...stink!
Then why are we here?
Because we have to be here. Right, Warren?
Warren Gander. No one had ever heard him sing a note, much less say a word.
*
(In the locker room.)
Miss Haycock's arrival had sent a shudder of fear through all of us.
I don't want to sing. That's why I took glee club in the first place.
(Randy approaches carrying a basketball. Joey looks toward the guys.)
Yeah, why do we have to have a student-teacher, anyway.
Relax, guys. There's nothin' to worry about. This won't last long.
What do you mean? (Frowns.)
I mean...this is her first job - she has to look like she's trying...
Mitchell did have a point. In theory.
Maybe he's right. Maybe she'll...get over it. (Smiles.)
Trust me - in a couple of days...(nods)...she'll be acting just like Frace. (Smiles.)
*
(Another day in the locker room. Randy smacks Kevin with a towel.)
Ow! Hey!
Nice goin', Arnold. (Frowns.)
What's that for? (Frowns.)
(Joey looks toward Kevin.)
"That'd be great Miss Haycock." (Frowns.) "We'd love to sing in the Spring Sing."
Come on, I didn't say that.
Well...not exactly.
(Doug approaches.)
We're gonna look like idiots in front of the whole school...(Gestures.) Not to mention our parents. What are we gonna do?
(Randy is leaning back against the lockers with his arms crossed.)
Well, for one thing, we're not gonna mention it to our parents. Deal?
There's something else we could do. We could practice...(Shrugs.)
Look, you got us into this, Arnold. So you gotta get us out.
How?
Talk to her.
She's never gonna listen to me. (Frowns.)
Why not? You're Mr. Passion. You're the only one she will listen to.
Talk to her. Our lives are depending on it.
*
(In glee club, Miss Haycock is demonstrating marching in place.)
We wanted to believe in her...but it was pretty clear, sooner or later, someone was gonna have to burst this bubble. Someone like...
Pssst! Arnold...Huh-hmmm!
Me.
It's now or never, Arnold.
Aw, what the heck...was I a stout-hearted man? Or a craven coward.
Miss Haycock?
Yes, Kevin? (Smiles.)
We've been...(nods)...thinking this whole thing over. And...see...we don't really wanna be in the Spring Sing. It's just that...(gestures)...we're not any good. So...maybe we shouldn't do it.
There. Difficult, of course, but best for everyone concerned.
You...really feel this way? (Nods.) All of you?
(The guys nod and say "uh-huh".)
I see. Well...I had no idea...
And there ya had it. We'd finally gotten through to her.
(Randy nods at Kevin.)
Miss Haycock was coming to her senses. She was going to see reason. She was going...
(She frowns heavily and turns away.)
To cry...Needless to say, we handled it...
(Randy looks at her and frowns, shaking his head slightly.)
With a certain maturity.
(Randy looks at Kevin.)
Well, what'd you do that for, Arnold? (Frowns.)
Me? (Gestures.) You told me to!

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(Ep 44 - "Cocoa and Sympathy")

(Paul has been named "brainiest", and is getting razzed in the hallway.)
Look at it this way, Pfeiffer...Brainy's not so bad. There are a lot of librarians out there lookin' for a man! (Smiles.)
OK - that was my cue. Time to come to the rescue.
Well, I guess being brainy is something you'll never have to worry about.
Or, maybe not.
Oh - very funny..."four-eyes". (Frowns.)
Hey, pal - Arthur Miller wears glasses.
Who's Arthur Miller? (Frowns.)
Why don't you ask Marilyn Monroe?
Huh?
Well, well, well. Seemed we had a new Paul on our hands.
*
(The guys are in the bleachers, watching girls on the field.)
Article Five, Section Six of the Eighth-grade Boys' Code of Conduct...When faced with a popularity poll you don't like...make up your own. Of course, we took it seriously.
(Hobson makes notes in a notebook.)
There was an art to this. Points awarded for intelligence...political awareness...and of course...
Best body?
(All): Deedee Rodriguez. (Nods.)
(Doug looks at the others.)
No way! Holly Stern! She shaves her legs!
Doug, you're droolin'.
Of course he was drooling - that's what adolescents do.
(Paul steps up the bleachers.)
Hi.
Well, most adolescents.
What are you guys doing?
(Kevin frowns and looks off.)
Oh...decide to spend some time with people your own age, huh?
We're doing a poll. (Nods.) To get back at Lisa Berlini.

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(Ep 49 - "The Journey")

I got information. Pescarelli's having a party. At her house.
So? (Frowns.) A party. So what? (Frowns.)
A slumber party?
But hold on! Did he say..."slumber party"?
And we're invited. (Smiles.)
(ALL): What?!
Fiesta del chiquitas, guys! Pony-tails...pillow fights, negligees...
Wait a minute. You're saying high-school girls invited us?
Well, almost. Practically. OK, so we don't have a formal letter of introduction. (Frowns.) Who cares? We know when, we know where...so we crash it! (Smiles.)
McHafferty, you're dreamin'...
Yeah, he's dreaming.
When is it?
Tomorrow night. Late.
No, we can't make it. We're goin' camping tomorrow night. In my backyard. Right, Paul?
Oh. Yeah. (Smiles.) Right.
Suit yourself. You're not the men I though you were.
Ooohh...
*
(In the cafeteria.)
We were thinking. Maybe we should go to that party.
Yeah, why not?
Right.
Yeah.
I couldn't understand it. These were guys I'd known all my adult life. Now, they were acting like....fourteen-year olds.
Look. Randy...
Yeah, we know. But that's before we heard about the beer.
What beer?
Well, Walter's sister says...all we have to do is show up with a few brewskis...and it's "babe-o-rama". (Frowns.)
Uh-huh. That sounded like Walter's sister.
Beer. Where are you guys gonna get beer?
(Randy looks down in thought.)
Hmmm. You could almost hear the wheels grinding.
It's not going to work.
Of course it's not going to work.
Sure it will. Once we find a place to tell our parents we're spending the night. (Smiles).
Any ideas?
Uh-oh. I could sense my quiet evening of camping about to go up in a blaze of futility.
Nobody has any ideas. (Frowns.) Paul. (Nods). Nobody.
(Cut to the tent.)
This is a great idea.
Pass the cookies.
Made ya wonder if Daniel Boone had nights like this.
(Randy holds up some binoculars.)
Look at these. (Smiles.)
Not that I couldn't be hospitable.
Guys? Get out.
What? (Frowns.)
That's not very nice.
You heard me. This tent isn't big enough for all of us.
Don't worry. We're only stayin' till Walter shows up with the beers.
Randy, it's not gonna happen.
Make way for the suds! (Smiles.)
That a way, Walter.
Way to go!
It was beer! Actual barley and hops! The kind cowboys and ballplayers drank.
Here it is...our ticket to paradise, gents.
Oh!
Right!
Yeah! This is great.
Alright. That's it.
I had enough. It was time to set these guys straight. Once and for all.
You guys are nuts - d'you know that? I mean you don't have a chance. You'll never make it to the party and you'll probably get caught - and you'll never get in! I mean this idea's completely...(shrugs)...stupid.
It was a bitter pill, maybe...but something any idiot could understand. Almost any idiot.
Maybe he's right. (Frowns.)
Of course I am. (Nods.)
And I was. Except...at that moment...something happened.
(Dramatic music starts.)
Something made me realize some things were bigger than logic.
(A shadow looms larger and larger on the tent behind Kevin.)
Mightier than reason.
Look out!
Wah!
(Wayne collapses to tent and holds Kevin down. The others emerge and stand up.)
Well, well, well. What do we have here? A rabbit? A fox? Why, no - it's a Kevie! (Smiles.)
Wayne, get off you butthead!
Can't do it. (Smiles.)
Get off him.
Back off! One move and he dies. (Frowns.)
*
(Wayne eventually finishes by pushing Kevin's face, laughing, then exiting.)
It was kind of a low moment.
There goes the beer. (Gestures.)
*
(The guys dive into the bushes when they think the cops are chasing them.)
Everybody OK?
I think I'm hurt.
Lemme see it.
How's it look?
Not too good. It startin' to swell up.
No, it always looks like that.
So now what are we gonna do?
We'll just have to carry 'em.
Are you nuts? (Frowns.) Carry Doug? Who's gonna do that?
Step back.
Randy Mitchell. A real buddy.
(Randy bends down.)
The kind of guy you could count on.
(Randy loads Doug over his shoulder.)
Uh.
The kind of guy who could move mountains.
Ah! Oh! (Frowns).
Gentle. Gentle.
(Cut to under the bleachers. Doug flops onto his back.)
Half a block later, we understood why mountains...
(Close shot of Randy with his hands on his hips.)
Don't move.
Maybe we should leave 'em.
Not that! Anything but that!
Alright. Here. Hold these...
(Walter hands a bottle to Paul and the other bottle to Kevin.)
I'll go find 'em a crutch.
And suddenly, right under those bleachers, it hit me...something was happening to us. Something...important. Right here. Right now. Events were bringing out our true personalities. The leader. The wounded.
(Close shot of Randy rubbing his shoulder and frowning.)
The stalwart.
(Close shot of Paul covering his nose and mouth and sneezing again.)
The allergic.
(Close shot of Kevin setting a bottle on the bleacher. It falls and breaks.)
The klutz.
The beer.
Nice play, Shakespeare.
Sorry, guys. (Shrugs.)
Great. Now we're down to one lousy beer.
Tell me about it.
*
(They have returned to Walter's garage.)
OK - here's the plan. I sneak into the house...grab some more beers...then we head out. Everybody understand?
Sounds simple enough.
Don't we need a signal?
Why? (Frowns.)
I don't know. (Shrugs). Seems like we ought to have a signal.
"Coo-coo, coo-coo". OK?
(Randy nods.)
Alright.
(Walter takes the beer from his jacket.)
It's the last one, man. Guard it...with your life.
Don't worry. I will.
Well...I'm outta here.
*
(Too bad for Walter, because...)
It was horrible. Not more than twenty yards from where we stood...Walter McHafferty was being grounded by his mother. And there was nothin' we could do about it.
Right now, young man! Right to bed!
And then, it was over.
I don't believe it.
Maybe he'll come back.
He's not coming back.
So, we did what all good troops do when they lose their leader. We started whining.
I'm hungry.
You're always hungry, Doug. (Frowns.)
Which turned into bickering.
Leave him alone. This isn't his fault.
No, it's your fault - for doing that stupid signal. (Gestures.)
Hey look, we wouldn't even be here if you hadn't dropped the beer.
Yeah? Well, for your information, I didn't even want to come on this stupid trip.
That's obvious. That's why you sabotaged the beer.
*
(On the street again, in the rain.)
I'm not sure how long we walked. Maybe days. Maybe...hours. Maybe about fifteen minutes. All I knew is we weren't the same bright-eyed kids who's started out those hours earlier that autumn night.
(Cut to the fence in front of Donna Pescarelli's house. They guys approach, crouched down.)
We were veterans. We'd seen the worst, and we'd survived. And now...
(A girls' silhouette is on a window shade.)
I think we're here. (Smiles.)
(Two girls are silhouetted, and their voices can be heard.)
Definitely!
We made it.
I'm gonna rest.
(Doug sits down.)
You guys wait here. I'll go scout it out. (Exits.)
*
"Coo-coo, coo-coo"!
Doug, let's go. Doug?
(Doug is asleep. Paul sighs and Kevin smiles as they exit and join Randy.)
The events of battle are never quite clear. Smoke obscures the battlefield. Things get confused.
Go ahead - knock on the window.
(Kevin knocks on the window pane.)
Only later did historians sort out the facts.
(A girl raises the window shade.)
It's enough to say that that night...we met the enemy. Face...to face.
Who is it?
It's just a bunch of ninth-graders.
(The girl pulls the shade down.)
And the rest...
(A man shines a light on the guys.)
Who's out there?!
Is history.
The old man! Scatter!

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(Ep 51 - "It's A Mad, Mad, Madeline World")

(At the Pizza Barn, talking about Madeline.)
You dog! She picked your name? I don't believe it. (To Paul.): He gets all the luck!
Come on! It's just the homework assignment. What's the big deal?
Are you kidding? He is gonna be in her house, after dark? Anything can happen!
Which, as it happened was exactly what I'd been afraid of.
Knock it off, will you?
Look, Mitchell, for your information, Kevin has a girlfriend. He is practically married.
Yeah, right. I want a full report - including details.(Exits.)

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(Ep 52 - "Little Debbie")

(Randy, Doug and Paul meet Kevin outside Debbie's cotillion.)
What are you guys doin' here?
Bad news, Kev.
Was it the game? Did we lose?
Worse.
Worse?
Paul...you had the binoculars - you tell 'em.
Well, when we got to the game...
And thus Paul launched into a story I was to hear over and over again, at cocktail parties and class reunions. A tale of woe. The subject?
It was Deanna...Deanna Delgado...
According to Paul, it happened in mere seconds. Something that broke young mens' hearts, and shattered long-held illusions. Something slipped through Deanna's sweater. And in the light of this horrible revelation, a new conciousness was born. A single undeniable truth.
Deanna Delgado...stuffs!
Falsies.
They looked so...real!
It was a moment of rare understanding - sympathy for a dream lost.
(Randy looks down and shakes his head.)
And of course, compassion.
Come on. We're on our way to TP Delgado's front yard.
Compassion in junior high...being expressed in many ways.

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(Ep 55 - "A Very Cutlip Christmas")

(The locker room with Tommy, Doug, Randy and Paul.)
Cutlip's a raving lunatic!
He has absolutely no Christmas spirit.
He makes us dust the floor in front of the girl's gym class. And Doug with his underwear hangin' out.
My underwear was showing?!
Somebody oughtta do something to that guy.
Hey don't get me involved with this. I gotta play basketball for the guy.
It seemed Paul was about the only one of my colleagues who had a real sense of reality.
What I wouldn't give just once to have something over Cutlip.
Yeah, take him down a peg.
Maybe we should talk to him.
Aw, get real. (Frowns.)
What?
You can't talk to the guy. Cutlip's from another planet.
(Mr. Cutlip enters.)
Men. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking...you let me down. Well, don't give it a second thought. There's always maņana. (Exits.)
Bottom line - the guy was completely out of touch with humanity.
*
(Kevin recognized Mr. Cutlip as the "Santa" at the mall. Mr. Cutlip is trying to keep Kevin silent about it, and appointed Kevin to be the timekeeper in gym. Now, Kevin is walking down the hall, carrying his school books.)
The next couple days in gym class, my popularity was...
(Kevin turns a corner and sees Tommy, Randy and Doug.)
Hey, guys.
(Tommy knocks Kevin's books out of his hand.)
Hey!
(He leans over to pick up his books.)
Teacher's pet.
Not exactly at an all-time high.
We should just call you Cutlip-in-training.
Oh, come on, guys, it's not like that.
Oh, yeah?
I'm one of you.
(Mr. Cutlip comes up behind Kevin, carrying his clipboard in one hand and a small bag in the other.)
Pistachio, Arnold? Red ones.
Uh...sure.
Keep the whole bag. (Exits.)
One of us, huh?
*
(Earlier, Kevin told Doug that Mr. Cutlip works in the mall. Now, Kevin and Doug are getting on the bus.)
Doug, you can't tell anybody what I told you before.
Oh. OK.
You didn't, did you? (Frowns.)
Well...only Randy. (Points.)
(Tommy and Randy sit in front of Doug and Kevin.)
So, um, what exactly does Cutlip do at the mall?
Forget it.
Does he sell Orange Julius?
You gotta tell us where he works, Kev.
No way!
Well, we've got eyes. We'll, uh, we'll just go find out for ourself.
Holy cow, these guys were serious. The vultures were circling, and it was all my fault. And right there, right then, I knew what I had to do.
*
(Kevin goes to see Mr. Cutlip (as Santa) at the mall, and warns him the guys are looking for him.)
Let them come if they must. (Stands.) I am who I am.
I'll always remember that look on his face. He was at once heroic and stupid.
Move along, Arnold.
(Kevin walks away.)
There was nothing more I could do. The die was cast. It was Santa's Last Stand.
(Randy spots Kevin.)
It's Arnold! Come on!
(The guys run toward Kevin.)
Look, guys...
Where is he, Kev?
Might as well tell us.
Forget it!
Fine, we're just gonna have to find him ourselves. Come on, guys, split up.
I stood there, helpless, outnumbered. And that's when it happened. Doug Porter looked first, directly into the eyes of the man who had taught him gym for three long years. Then Tommy Kisling looked, too, and Randy Mitchell. Those three skeptics gazed straight at that white beard, dead into the eyes of Coach Cutlip not thirty feet away. But all that they saw...was Santa Claus.
(Doug, Tommy, and Randy all smile at "Santa". Doug turns to Tommy and Randy.)
Come on, guys. Let's keep looking.

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(Ep 56 - "The Candidate")
(In the cafeteria, where Becky has handed out political buttons.)
This is a disgrace. (Frowns.)
Paul.
An outrage! (Gestures.) The nominations haven't even closed yet, and she's giving out buttons.
Paul, calm down.
An election with just one candidate - how could this happen?!
Simple. It's Becky Slater. Nobody's stupid enough to run against her.
This is a democracy. We should have a choice.
Poor Paul. A lone Jeffersonian in a sea of teenage apathy. Me, I was more of a realist.
Paul, it's just a stupid election. No one really cares who wins. (Smiles.)
Well, I refuse to accept that. I'm not gonna vote for her.
Me neither. (Frowns.) I'm gonna vote for...Donald Duck. (Nods.)
Very funny.
*
(Arnold Basement. Paul has promised Kevin to get the best minds to help with Kevin's campaign.)
Hey, Kev? Do you have any more potato chips upstairs?
And a couple more sodas, too.
And could you grab some Ring Dings while you're up?
OK, OK...I've heard enough. This meeting's officially over.
Hey, it was just an idea...
Yeah, look, if you don't want our help...
I heard the had fried chicken at Becky's meeting...
*
(In the cafeteria. Becky's cheerleaders are cheering.)
Gimme a "B"...Gimme an "E"...Gimme a "C"..."K"..."Y". What d'ya get? Becky Slater! Yeahhhhh!
We'd been out-manned, out-gunned, out-cheerleadered. Out-Slatered. Not that we were ready to throw in the towel.
That's it. (Gestures.) I give up.
What?! (Frowns.)
He's right. She's got better posters than us, better volunteers than us...and better snacks than us.
*
(Science Class. Close shot of a box of stinkbombs as a hand opens the lid.)
Stinkbombs?
For tomorrow. At the campaign speeches.
What are you gonna do with stinkbombs? (Frowns.)
Simple. When Becky gets up to speak...(points)...we set those babies off. (Nods.)
Kapowee!

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(Ep 57 - "Heartbreak")
(Hallway with Doug and Paul.)
Know what I heard? This museum is supposed to have an exhibit of an Indian tribal village. And I heard that a lot of the Indian women...aren't wearing any tops.
I just can't imagine they're going to let us see that!
Yeah? Well I know something even better than that!
Better?
Better!
What could possibly be better than that?
Well, my cousin told me that up on the fourth floor they have a room the public isn't allowed into. And in this room they keep something you'll never believe. You ever hear of that gangster, John Dillinger?
Now, I think we all know what Randy Mitchell was talking about here.
...and they put it in jar of formaldehyde, and saved it, and...
While Randy was peddling schoolboy legends, I was thinking about more important things.
*
(At the museum.)
So where are the jars with the you-know-what?
It's hard to tell. You know, this guidebook doesn't even say they have a fourth floor.
What!? You think they'd advertise something like that? We're going to have to find it ourselves. Keep your eyes open for any unmarked doors.

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(Ep 68 - "Graduation")

(At the graduation rehearsal, some kids are goofing off, and Kevin, Randy and Doug smile.)
Shhh! Come on, guys. This is serious.
(Mr. Diperna is at the podium.)
Alright, people...
Yeah, come on - Pfeiffster's gotta make a speech. (Smiles.)
After my opening remarks...when your names are called...you'll walk up the right-hand aisle, to collect your diplomas.
(Barbella raises his hand.)
Yes.
Do I get one this year?
(The audience giggles.)
I fail to see the humor in that, Mr. Barbella.
Just checkin'. (Smiles.)
I don't get it. (Frowns.) This is a major moment in our lives. Isn't anyone aware of that?
But if Paul was looking for allies...
(Randy and Doug frown and shake their heads.)
He was in the wrong camp.
Get off it, Pfeiffer.
Yeah, come on Paul - lighten up. It's just a stupid graduation. (Frowns.)
To you maybe. Not to me.

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(Ep 74 - "Full Moon Rising")

(Kevin, Randy and Purdle are getting on the bus.)
Without wheels, life was one indignity after another.
This bus smells like lunch.
Tell me about it.
(Purdle sees two pretty girls.)
Oh, I think I'll stick around here for awhile.
A series of humiliations.
Will you move?! Can't take you anywhere.
And faced with these constant embarrassments, you look for any small way to elevate your status.
So what are you guys doin' this weekend?
(Shrugs) What about you?
I got a date Friday night.
Alright, Kevin!
The trick was to keep your friends jealous.
So, uh...how you gettin' there?
My mom's drivin' us.
Whoa! Walk on the wild side.
Yeah! Tell your mom not to look in the rear-view mirror. Hah-hah.
*
(The guys are helping Ricky study for the DMV test.)
I can't do it! I just got too much stuff going on in my head. (Gestures.)
Interesting theory...
Look. Ricky, if you get your license, you won't ever have to beg for a ride again.
We'll be the coolest guys in tenth-grade!
Yeah, the chicks will be climbing all over us!
(Smiles.) Ask me another one!
OK. You're going forty miles an hour - how many car-lengths should you allow between you, and the car in front of you?
Whoa, hnnn...that's a good question. (Smiles.)
(Sound of penalty buzzer.)
*
(At Ricky's driving test, the guys watch from the building.)
It was almost too much to bear. Here we were, poised to leap into the stratosphere of manhood...and we couldn't even get out of the parking lot.
Is this as bad as it looks?
Well, I think he's killed every one of those orange cones.
Well, he's still got a chance. I got him at about an eighty-one.
This much seemed clear. When it came to hitching our wagon to a star...
(Ricky hits more cones.)
We'd picked the wrong wagon.
Man! This is an embarrassment!
Unbelievable!
We stood there, knowing it was a lost cause, but clinging desperately to some hope for a miracle.
*
(Miraculously, Ricky gets his license. Now, the guys are on the bus.)
Did you see my three-point turn?
Yeah, they're still talking about it!
Sure, maybe we were still sardines, but at least we knew we were about to bust out of our can.
Looks like...we're cruisin' for chicks.
We can go anywhere we want!
Yeah! And everybody is gonna see us!
Especially the chicks.
And there you had it. Rising up before us was the dawn of a new era. An era of freedom. An era of adventure. An era of fun.
And my mom said I can have the car Friday night!
An era of bad timing.
Friday night? This Friday night?
What's wrong?
I told ya - I got a date!
Look, you can have a date any Friday night.
What am I supposed to do about Cindy?
Easy. Dump her.
I can't do that!
Kevin! This is everything we ever dreamed of! We're talkin' us - the guys, in a car! Don't you get it? This is cool!
*
(In Ricky's car.)
So, uh, where we goin'?
What do you mean, "where are we goin'"?
Well, what? Does it matter?
Well, we oughtta go somewhere...(Gestures.)
Why?
Hey! How about a movie?
Come on - that is definitely uncool.
It is?
Nobody's gonna see us at a movie.
Look, Ricky, the whole point of driving around is...driving around.
I know...Hey! But have you guys seen "Willard"? I don't know how they get those rats to do those things!
It was our first crisis. We were momentarily floundering...like baby eagles freshly sprung from the nest. What we needed here was a sign...Inspiration...direction.
(A Mustang Mach 1 fastback pulls up next to them.)
Whoa! Nice wheels!
Hey...!
Hey! (Smiles.)
What we got was...
Moon patrol! (They laugh.)
Pressed hams.

*
(Later, on the road.)
We knew we preparing ourselves for something much, much, more meaningful.
Come on, guys. Let's go pick up some chicks!
Yeah, chicks!
Women!
The reason God had invented cars.
So, where are they?
Man, they're everywhere.
Yeah! Just waiting to jump on us...grab us...smother us...
It was an awesome thought.
So, where are they?
Hmmm. Good question.
(Cut to Zesty's Restaurant.)
Fortunately, there was an answer - Zesty's - the place to go for burgers, fries, and...
Whoa! Check out the hooters!
Man...can't take you anywhere...
Still, the fact remained, if it was girls we were looking for...
OK, we found 'em!
Well, now what do we do?
Hmmm. Good question.
*
(Kevin orders food from the take-out window, meets his non-date, Cindy, and is trying to weasel away from her.)
Seeya later.
The thing to do was amskray before she discovered who my cousins -
Hey, hey, hey! Ba-by...!
Really were.
Hey, Kevin? Who's the fox? Owwwwww!
Introduce us, man!
Yeah. Come right over here - we got room!
She didn't actually say anything - her face did all the talking.
Looking good!
It said my rain-check had been revoked - permanently.

*
(On the road.)
Just ten more minutes, and I could have had any girl there.
Just when did you lose touch with reality?
Did you see the way they were looking at me, huh?
They couldn't believe your shirt!
*
Let's face it. On the main-street of life, we'd just about reached a dead-end.
(They pull next to the Mustang at the stop sign.)
And then...
Hey, look! There's those guys!
Uh-oh! I hope they don't moon us again. (Waves.) Hey! We don't want to see it!
But it seemed there was more at stake here...than just pressed hams.
Hey-hey, what does he want?
He wants to drag.
Drag?
Do it, Ricky.
But my mom said -
Come on, Ricky! Let's just do it!
(Randy leans out the window.)
You're on!
(The Mustang zooms off. Ricky goes about six feet, then stops.)
What are you doing?!
There's a stop sign! (Gestures.)
Will you go? We can still take 'em!
Hnhhh, but it's a commercial zone - thirty-five miles per hour. (Points.) Those guys were speeding!
Of course they were speeding! This is a drag-race!
Fortunately our driver was a law-abiding citizen.
Four cars...four-way stop...
Will you guys just get real? (Nods.) This race is over!
Yeah, thanks to Holsenbach. I don't even know why the hell we're hanging around with you!
Hey...Cuz it's my car.
Yeah! That's the only reason we'd be hangin' out with a bozo like you.
Hey! You're the bozo.
I'm the bozo? (Points.) You're the bozo...
No, I'm not!
You're all bozos! (To Ricky) You're the biggest bozo of...
(They all continue to argue.)
You can't even drive!
We were reaching critical-mass, here. Our night was wearing thin. So was our vocabulary.
(The guys are still arguing, as they stop at a stop-sign. Sound of a car horn. The Mustang crosses the intersection.)
Wussies!
It was the final straw. If we were going to hold on to our dignity, we had to strike back.
Let's...moon...somebody.
Yeah. Good idea!
Perfect.
Alright! (Nods.)
It was time for us to take our rightful place among men of the road. We were gonna take on the first victim that came our way.
(An approaching car moves over to the open lane. Kevin smiles and looks out the window, then looks surprised.)
Alright! Do it! Do it!
(Jack and Norma are in the other car.)
Whoa -
(Kevin ducks down.)
Just one little problem.
(Purdle turns his butt to the window and starts to drop his pants.)
Moon patrol!
(Jack glances toward Purdle. The other guys laugh. Jack looks forward, as Norma looks over her shoulder. Jack glances back and frowns, then drives off.)
Did ya see that guy's face?!
Well, my eyes were looking in a different direction!
Man, it looked like he was having a cow!
And his wife was like "uhhuhhh". (Smiles.)
Will you guys just shut up?!
What's your problem?
For starters, that was my mom and dad.
It was?
Yeah. You guys just mooned my parents. (Frowns.)
You're kidding...
Hey, we all wanted to do it.
Yeah, but it was you who had your butt out hangin' out the window! (Gestures.)
Oh, come on. Like how was I supposed to know?
See - this is great! Just great. You know it's real great hangin' out with a bunch of morons! Do you know where that word comes from, Ricky! This is the stupidest...(gestures)...dumbest night of my life! (Gestures.) I mean, I don't even know why I agreed to come with you in the first place. Can anyone tell me why?!
It was the kind of question...that could only be answered by a Nobel prize-winning philosopher.
I know...
Or a guy like Ricky Holsenbach.
It's because they're round - like rings! And they've got onions in them. That's why the call 'em onion rings!
What?
What?
Looking back...it made about as much sense as anything else that night.
Can we just go home, guys?
Yeah. Let's get out of here.
We were veterans. We'd paid our dues. We'd mooned, and been mooned...and now...
Uh-oh.
What's the matter?
We're out of gas.
(Cut to the guys pushing the car.)
Can you guys believe tonight?
The worst.
Yeah, no kidding.
We didn't really accomplish anything that night. Nothing of any real importance, anyway. But through the high school years that lay ahead...there would be a thousand other nights, just like that one. Stupid, ridiculous...and glorious.
Hey! I can get the car again, next Friday...
I'm in.
Me, too.
Wouldn't miss it.

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(Ep 78 - "Christmas Party")

(Jack insists Kevin attend the family Christmas party. They are hanging up lights.)
At least I could take solice in the firm knowledge no one else I knew had any great plans for the holidays.
(Cut to lockers with Randy and Ricky.)
Skiing! You're going skiing?!
Yeah. My parents are takin' me. It's gonna be great!
I don't believe this!
(Kevin looks at Ricky.)
What about you? You want to do somethin' over the holidays?
Oh, I can't. Going to Montana. Getting my sister out of the commune! (Smiles.)
Made you wonder whatever happened to the days when all people did on Christmas was watch football and over-eat.
Well...
(Randy slaps Kevin's shoulder.)
Seeya on the slopes.
Yeah.

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(Ep 82 - "Kodachrome")

(Miss Shaw's class is on the grass, discussing "The Catcher In The Rye".)
Why do you think Holden ended up in a mental hospital?
Obviously, Holden Caulfield has a problem perceiving reality as it is.
(Ricky frowns.)
Well, cuz he's nuts!
He's not nuts! (Gestures.) He just couldn't put up with the system.
(Harold looks at Kevin and Ricky.)
The system stinks!
Yeah. Kinda like school! (Smiles.)
Well, that's certainly one way to look at it.
That was the great thing about Miss Shaw. You never had to worry about anything you said in her class. Everything was up for grabs.
Any other questions? Comments?
And I mean everything.
Yes, Felicia?
Are you gonna tell us our mid-term grades...before you record them?
I wouldn't worry about grades, if I were you, Felicia. I only give two. "Pass" and "no pass".
Again, please?
I said "pass", and "no pass".
"Pass"...and "no pass". It was...amazing. A ground-breaking concept. And we reacted as any tenth-grade class would.
But my dad gives me a buck for every "A". (Frowns.)
*
(In gym with Paul.)
What a crock!
Not that all the discourse was positive.
I can't believe she's letting you bozos choose your own grades.
Why not? We're responsible students.
Oh, is that so? What are you gonna give yourselves?
Gee...lemme see...I, uh, think I'll give myself an "A".
I knew it. It's madness!
OK - "A plus".
Apparently, opinion on this question was divided into two camps. The revolutionaries...and the slugs.
Come on, Paul. Admit it - you're jealous! (Gestures.)
No, I am not! I just don't think it's fair, that's all.
To who? (Frowns.)
To "whom".
Sorry!
I mean, what if every teacher did something like this?
Well...
He's right. It would affect the curve. (Nods.)
(Randy looks toward Kevin and points.)
You get a "B".

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(Ep 89 - "The Lost Weekend")

(Norma and Jack have gone to a wedding. Wayne is driving off, ditching school.)
And suddenly, for the first time in my life...I found myself completely alone - with one empty house...two days to myself...and nothing to do but...
(Cut to cafeteria with Chuck, Randy, Ricky and Paul.)
I know...let's have a party!
Head directly for trouble.
Come on, guys - my parents said they didn't want a lot of people there.
What people? It's just us guys.
We just thought...since you have a whole house to yourself, you might want to take advantage of it! (Smiles.)
What are we gonna do at my house? (Smiles.)
Everything! (Smiles.)
Hang out.
Stuff our faces...
Order pizza.
Stupid question.
Maybe we could get some beer. (Nods.)
Yeah! We can drink till our heads hurt! (Smiles.)
*
(Wayne is bailing out of helping Kevin with Jack's list of chores.)
There's a guy from North Central, who's having a beer-blast, so...don't leave the light on for me. (Smiles.)
Fine! I won't.
Hey, what did I care? After all, I was gonna have a pretty wild time of my own.
(Cut to playing poker in the basement.)
Who's bet is it?
I don't know...
Is there any more pizza?
Assuming your idea of a wild time was an evening of never-ending boredom.
Ricky, come on, will ya? (Gestures.)
Don't rush me...(gestures)...I'm thinking. (Frowns.) I fold.
After all that, you fold?
I wasn't sure.
I don't believe this...
I'll raise.
I'll see ya.
(Randy tosses the chips in the pot, and knocks a glass with his hand.)
Randy! Watch it will ya? This is my dad's good card-table!
Yes, Mrs. Arnold!
You'll never be able to see it once it dries...
Man, this is the worst party I've ever been to...
You said it.
The thing was...they were right. We had hit rock-bottom.
Look - this was your idea in the first place! If you guys know so much about havin' a great time...well, what are ya gonna do about it?
We could invite some girls...(Smiles.)
*
(Chuck is talking to a girl on the phone.)
Great! Uh, seeya.
(Chuck hangs up.)
(P, R & R): What'd she say?!
She's coming. (Smiles.)
Great!
Cool!
And...(smiles)...she's bringing her sister!
Hold the phone.
What?! (Frowns.)
A party was one thing. A full-scale orgy was something else.
Chuck, wait a minute. I thought I said one girl each.
What was I supposed to do? Tell her she couldn't come?
Yeah...give him a break.
*
(The front door. Alice and about four others have arrived. They file past Kevin.)
It's really neat!
Yeah, sure! (Smiles.) Just make yourselves at home...(Frowns.)
(Randy approaches and pats Kevin on the shoulder.)
What's the matter, Kev?
Randy - I said a couple of people. Now I got...(gestures)...brothers and cousins and friends...
Come on, Kev - you gonna relax and have a good time or not?
Well...(shrugs)...OK. (Smiles.)
(Fade to "later". More people have arrived.)
Still, I kept telling myself, things were under control.
(Chuck is holding out a plate of sandwiches. A guy smoking a cigarette takes all of them.)
Nice.
Even though they weren't.
Kev - great party! (Gestures.)
What are you talking about?! This is a disaster! (Frowns.)
I'll say it's a disaster. (Nods.)
And there, finally - the voice of reason in the crowd.
We're out of food!
What?! (Frowns.)
We're down to mayonnaise sandwiches.
Hey - why don't you go pick up some stuff?
(Chuck taps Randy on the shoulder.)
That's a great idea. (Exits.)

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(Ep 93 - "Broken Hearts and Burgers")

(Winnie has just left Kevin in the diner in a fit of jealousy.)
Like I said, at sixteen - you've learned nothing. Nothing at all. Adolescence. The age of maturity, confidence, boundless self-assurance. And let's not forget, unutterable misery. Fortunately, in times of crisis, every teenager has a secret weapon - his friends.
(Kevin is joined by Randy, Chuck, Paul and Ricky.)
So, uh, what happened?
What?
Winnie! What did you do?
That's just it. I didn't really do anything. I just ordered some food.
(The group looks at the waitress in question, who smiles at Kevin.)
(All): Right!
Man, you blew it!
Thanks, Paul.
Hey, come on. Take it easy on the guy. I mean, his best girl just walked out on him.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, that's the thing about friends. They're always there. With sympathy...support.
So, she's probably not going to eat that hamburger, right?
Yeah, can I have her fries?
Don't let that shake go to waste!
But most off all, growing up, they're the guys that never failed you.
*
(Later, Winnie is still giving Kevin the cold shoulder.)
Kev, you gotta do something about this.
Like what?
Like...talk to her.
Yeah, it always worked for me.
When did it ever work for you?
Well, hypothetically.
Yeah, you're right.
After all, there are some quandaries in a young man's life that even his friends can't solve for him.
Go on, Kev. Give it a shot!
Yeah!

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(Ep 97 - "Sex and Economics")

(At the gas-station, Kevin hands the attendant some money.)
You're forty-nine cents short.
Uh...one second.
(Kevin turns to Ricky and Randy.)
Any of you guys got fifty cents?
Not me. (Frowns.)
Sorry, man. I'm tapped.
Wait a minute. Between the two of you, you can't come up with a lousy half-buck?
Hey, I paid last week.
*
After all, if there was one thing I didn't need, it was my family bringing me down.
Are you out of you're mind?
I had my friends to do that.
Paint a house? A whole house?
That sounds like work! (Frowns.)
I thought you guys needed the money.
(Randy and Ricky look at each other and nod in agreement.)
How much you payin'?
Let's see, here...five-hundred divided by three, comes to...
Twenty bucks a man?
(Randy and Ricky look at each other and start laughing, then walk away.)

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(Ep 102 - "The Test")

(Mr. Glavin's English class.)
"Metamorphosis". Is it "A" - transformation, "B" - integration, "C" - resurrection, or "D" - none of the above?
Eleventh-grade. The year of decisions.
Anyone?
(Randy raises his hand.)
Yes.
"B".
(Mr. Glavin frowns.)
"C" - "D"!
"A"!
Around the middle of junior year, the risks increase.
*
(Restroom with Chuck, Randy and Paul.)
The day before the test was torture.
Oh man. This is gonna be a disaster.
Panic had given way to...raw superstition.
You know, I heard that there's a pattern - if you break the code, you can figure out the answers.
Yeah. I heard they have this card they put over the answers, so if you fill in all the circles you get a perfect score.
No, I heard that if you use the serial number from **** and divide it by your birthday.
It was crazy - the last minute ravings of desperate men.
That's ridiculous - how're they gonna know your birthday?
Hey - they know everything! And then you take the question number and you add it, and you multiply the whole thing -
I can't believe you guys are wasting your time on these stupid rumors! I mean, don't you have something better to do? You should be studying.
Why?
Enough was enough. It was time to put some sense to this whole fiasco.
Who says we have to take this stupid test, anyway? Why should we let this one test affect our entire life? Why should one test make us this crazy? I say we're more important than that stupid test, and I for one, am not gonna let it control my life!
There. Finally, A statement of principle. A manifesto of defiance. A cry for unity no red-blooded kid could fail to admire.
(Randy and Chuck make chicken-clucking sounds, and exit.)

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(Ep 111 - "Poker")

(Playing poker with Randy, Chuck, Paul and Jeff.)
Alright - I call. Pair of queens. (Gestures.) So let's see 'em.
Two twos.
Nothin' but ace-high.
Two pair. Nines and fours. (Smiles.)
The bi-monthly, Friday-night, high-stakes poker game.
Jeff? (Gestures.)
Junior year...it was ritual.
Three kings. (Smiles.) Don't worry guys.
(Jeff pulls the coins toward himself.)
It's goin' to a good cause. Me.
Course, it was more than just a rotating tournament, depending on whose parents where out for the evening...and it was about more than just cold hard cash.
OK - nickel ante.
This game was defined by personality. Ours.
OK, boys.
(Chuck rubs his hands together and smiles.)
How about a little night baseball, huh? Nines are wild...threes are wild. Any picture-card with facial hair...(gestures)...wild. (Nods.)
There was the over-enthusiastic...
Straight poker.
(Randy looks at his cards and spreads them apart.)
And the all-American.
Paul, your bet.
There was the cautious...
I don't know - lemme think for a sec.
Paul? (Nods.) While we're still young? (Gestures.)
And, the impatient.
OK...three cents.
And of course...
(Jeff looks forward and makes a face.)
The supremely confident.
A...quarter.
A quarter? That's kinda steep, isn't it? (Smiles.)
Quarter. (Gestures.)
And despite our different styles...we maintained the easy give-and-take of friendship that I knew would endure well into the future.
(Fade to fantasy. The image of Kevin is replaced by that of an old man. Some tuba music plays thoughout.)
Don't put the glass right on the table. (Gestures.) My father'll kill me if he sees a stain.
(Randy and Paul look at their cards. Their images are replaced by those of old men.)
I'm fairly certain these old chairs of yours are aggravating my prostate.
This hand's an all-time beaut. You should frame it.
OK, then...who needs cards?
Gimme four.
Anyone else?
Three.
(Old Randy deals a few cards toward old Kevin, then looks at old Paul.)
Uh, give me two.
(Old Randy deals out two cards.)
Uh, uh, no wait, um...better make that three.
Jeff?
None. (Gestures.)
None? (Gestures.) You sure?
I fold. (Frowns.)
(Old Kevin flips his cards face-down onto the table, as do old Chuck and old Randy.)
I fold.
Well, then...guess I'm the lucky winner.
(Fade to reality as Jeff slides the money toward himself, and the music fades.)
Still, we weren't old men yet. We were teenage boys. Innocent. Uncomplicated.
So is anyone hungry? (Nods.)
Hungry.
(They all smile, stand up, and head to the kitchen.)
*
(Paul has gone to his car for an orange.)
Uh, Kev? About the ski-trip over Spring vacation...
Yeah, we're all still goin', right?
See the thing is...we don't think we're gonna have room for Pfeiffer.
Well, what do ya mean? I thought all of us were goin'.
Well, it's not Paul so much. It's just that, uh...Chuck's car...only-only fits four people.
You can check the manual.
And my uncle's cabin only has four beds.
*
(Back at the game, Chuck is looking glum.)
By eight-thirty, Chuck Coleman's natural ebullience was fading fast.
So, Chuck - what's wrong with you?
Nothin'! I just...have some stuff on my mind.
What kind of stuff?
Uh, you know...(gestures)...eh, me and Alice. (Frowns.)
What - are you guys fighting again?
No, it's nothing like that. (Frowns.)
Well, if you're not fighting, what are you two doing?
(Chuck looks off, then frowns and looks down. Music "Piano Concerto No. 1" - Tchaichovsky starts.)
There are moments in life that alter history, and change the course of human events.
You didn't...
This was one of them.
Alright, Chuck! (Smiles.)
*
(Jeff lights a cigar, and Paul goes to get air-freshener from his car. Kevin went with him and told him to "lighten up". Now, they are back at the game. Randy lays his cards down.)
Straight.
That's not a straight.
Of course it is. (Points.) Look. Two-three-four-five-six.
Two-three-four-five...nine. You know what two-three-four-five-nine is? Nothing.
Boy, Randy...maybe you should be studying your math. (Smiles.)
Yeah, really funny.
(The others giggle.)
Which, of course, it was. To us, anyway.
Hey, will you guys just shut up? For your information, I failed my last three trigonometry tests. When I flunk out, I bet it'll be really hilarious.
Oh, come on - you're not gonna flunk out.
Oh, yeah? My guidance counsellor says if I don't pass, I'm not gonna graduate. What do ya say to that?
And of course, there was only one thing to say.
Three kings.
Of course, some of us were taking the news harder than others.
(Chuck starts to cry. Randy puts his hand on Chuck's shoulder.)
Chuck, it'll be OK...I still have a chance to pass. If I apply myself, maybe -
Who cares about you?
What's the matter, Chuck? You can't beat three kings? (Laughs.)
I think Alice is pregnant.
Here, congratulations - have a cigar.
I knew it. I knew it.
Shut up, Paul!
I was just tryin to help.
Yeah, well, don't.
It's been said sobering news travels in bunches. And after ninety minutes of poker, there was no shortage of sobering news.
How could I be so stupid?
Chuck was on the brink of fatherhood...
Well, at least you're passing trig.
Randy was on the brink of repeating the eleventh grade...
(Paul sprays air-freshener toward Jeff, who blows smoke back to Paul.)
And I was on the brink of hating my best friend.
(Kevin finds a card under Jeff's foot, and accuses him of cheating. Chuck exits to the kitchen, and Kevin talks to him about Alice. Kevin is mad a Paul who came in to make a phone call. Now, they are back at the game.)
I mean, my dad expects me to go to some great college. I don't know how to tell him I might not even graduate from high school.
I would suggest doing it over a nice dessert.
Thanks.
Hey, I'm watching you Billings, so hang on to your cards ****.
OK. I'm back.
Oh, were you gone?
(Jeff deals the cards, flipping many of them over.)
And so, there we were - five friends playing poker.
Hey. Maybe if you dealt a little slower, my cards wouldn't end up in the cheese puffs.
Five friends arguing and sniping. Carping, and whining. Taking humbrage at even the pettiest offense.
Yeah, well maybe if you learned how to shuffle, you could deal once in a while, huh?v
You call that dealing?
Suffer.
Five friends who couldn't agree on a thing.
Hey. We're out of food.
(They decide everyone should go together. They pull into the parking lot.)
God, why does it take five guys to go get food?
Because we're hungry.
(In the store, Kevin and Paul argue, then the guys join them.)
Hey, I can't even sit in the car with you morons.
Shut up, Chuck.
(Randy looks at Jeff.)
You know, I wouldn't have be here if it wasn't for your cheating.
Hey, Mr. Mathwiz, don't you have some studying to do, or something?
Look, shut up about my math already. At least I don't cheat.
*
(Back at the game.)
The last hand of the night.
Cards?
Two.
The play was intense. The conversation...at a minimum.
Two.
What had begun three hours ago, as a simple game among friends...
Three.
Had, by ten-thirty, developed into an all-out grudge-match.
One.
I'll take two.
Suddenly, we were no longer boys playing a man's game. We were men. Men at war. Defending our turf. Standing our ground.
Alright. I bet twenty cents.
Thirty.
Thirty-five.
And I'll raise you...fifty.
Fifty-one.
It was time to show no mercy. Take no prisoners. The bets were down.
Pair 'o jacks.
A straight. Almost.
Two pair - jacks and nines. (Smiles.)
Three sevens.
It's up to you, Jeff.
And then...
I fold. I got nothin'.
You mean, I win?
You win.
I won. (Smiles.) I can't believe it - I won.
At the very brink of disillusionment and despair...Randy Mitchell, the perpetual loser...finally won a hand.
*
(On the porch as everyone leaves.)
Seeya later, guys.
Thanks, Kev. Guess I'll go hit the books.
*
(Kevin turns off the light in the living room, then looks toward the table, where the images of the guys as old men fade in.)
Come on, Paul...let's see what ya got.
Uh, is this a three, or an eight?
Eight.
After forty years, I should think you could afford a new deck of cards.
Still, ya never knew.
Jeff...what's that under your sleeve?
My cufflink.
Yeah? Well that cufflink better not be able to beat three queens.
With a little luck...things just might turn out OK.

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(Ep 112 - "The Little Women")

(School cafeteria. Jeff slaps his SAT results on the table in front on Kevin, Winnie and Randy.)
Five-forty verbal and five-eighty math. Read it and weep, man.
And speaking of numbers...
Oh, they came?
Yeah!
The SAT scores. For six weeks we had been waiting for the two numbers which would determine the next four years of our lives.
Didn't you check your mailbox?
No.
I did.
Yeah, what did you get? (Smiles.)
Seven-thirty.
Verbal or math?
Combined.
Yeah, well, I wouldn't worry about it - you can always come work for me.
Yeah, very funny.
It was social Darwinism at its cruelest.
(Kevin turns to Winnie.)
So, you get yours?
I don't think it's such a good idea to talk about them like this. (Frowns.) They're kind of private.
Oh. Well...sure - I understand.
"I don't want to talk about it". It was practically code...for Ed's Junior College and Autobody Repair.
I mean, besides, it is no big deal. I mean, after all, they're only numbers, right?
Sure, easy for you to say - you haven't got yours yet.
So what? When they come, they come.

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11/15/14 13:40