Paul Pfeiffer



(Ep 1 - "Pilot")

(In the street during football, Wayne looks toward some girls on the sidelines.)
Hey girls, come on over here. Kevin's gonna show you what a French kiss is! Hah-hah. (Smiles.)
Buttface. (Frowns.)
What did you say? (Frowns.)
Nothing.
(Wayne frowns heavily and steps forward, pushes Kevin over, and pounds Kevin's shoulder with his fist.)
This is the way most of my conversations with my brother Wayne ended. Apparently he just deeply regretted the fact that I had been born, and he wanted me to feel the same way.
(Paul reaches for Wayne's arm.)
Come on Wayne, let him up! (Frowns.)
I'm sorry Paul, this is a family matter.
(Wayne resumes pounding Kevin as Paul pulls on Wayne's shoulder.)
That was my best friend, Paul Pfeiffer. Paul was allergic to everything. Wayne used to say he was even allergic to his own snot. Wayne was really a funny guy.


*
(After the game, Kevin and Paul enter from outside. Paul is limping and coughing as Kevin supports him. Norma is in another room.)
(Yelling): Mom, can Paul stay for dinner?
Sure, if his mom knows.
What are you having?
(Yelling): What are we having?
Meat loaf.
(Paul shakes his head.)
I'm allergic to it.
(Yelling): What else?
Salad.
(Paul frowns and shakes his head slowly.)
*
(Kevin and Paul are looking at the "woman's" book "Our Bodies, Our Selves".)
This was it. The last night of summer.
Holy cow!
Try not to drool on it, OK? If Karen finds out I have this, she'll kill me. (Gestures.)
Paul and I decided that the best way to prepare for junior high school girls was to look at them naked.
(Norma knocks on the door, opens it and looks in. Paul tries to hide the book by sitting on it.)
Paul, your mother called. She wants you to come home right away.
OK.
(Paul walks through the doorway, then pauses and turns toward Kevin.)
Well, I guess I'll see you at bus-stop.
Yeah...(Smiles.)
(Paul turns to leave, then pauses and looks at Kevin.)
Last night I had a dream that...when I got to school I realized I had no clothes on.
If you're naked when you get to the bus-stop, I'll tell ya. (Nods.)
Thanks.
(Paul turns to leave, then hesitates and looks at Kevin.)
Do you know what you're gonna wear?
Paul, I have no idea.
Actually, I had been planning my wardrobe for about six weeks.
*
(Kevin is standing at the bus stop, wearing brown pants and a blue shirt - not the wardrobe he had "planned".)
Don't worry about it, you look fine.
(Paul is wearing a bad outfit of brown striped pants, a white shirt with browns decorations, and carries a violin case. Paul reaches around in his pocket.)
Let me see our class schedule one more time.
No!
He was gonna have to get a grip on himself. This was the junior high bus stop. And if we were gonna hold our own with the older kids, we were gonna have to act mature.
(Wayne is measuring boys tongues with a ruler. Paul has his tongue out, trying to get Wayne's attention. Wayne measures Paul, then smacks him on the head. Two older girls walk past.)
We seemed to have something of a height disadvantage, so we did out best to fit in.
(Kevin and Paul turn to look after the girls, with their tongues out, and spot Winnie in the distance walking toward the bus stop.)
(With tongue out): Hooth that?
What an incredible stroke of luck - a new kid. A helpless waif who would be even more lost than we were. A helpless waif...in fishnet tights, and gogo boots!
(Winnie stops in front of the boys.)
Hi Kevin. Hi Paul.
Winnie Cooper?
Gwendolyn. I don't want to be called Winnie anymore. My real name is Gwendolyn.
*
(In the cafeteria, Kevin and Paul are holding their lunch trays.)
Lunch. At last, something I figured even I couldn't screw up.
Where do you want to sit?
Anywhere. (Shrugs.) Let's just sit here.
(They walk to a nearby table.)
A suburban junior high school cafeteria is like a microcosm of the world. The goal is to protect yourself, and safety comes in groups. You have your cool kids...you have your smart kids...you have your greasers...and in those days, of course...you had your hippies. And in a fact in junior high school...who you are is defined less by who you are...than by who's the person sitting next to you.
(Kevin looks at Paul, who is sucking spaghetti.)
A sobering thought.
Try to look like you're having fun. (Frowns.)

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(Ep 2 - "Swingers")

(Kevin, Paul, and a couple other kids look at the open book Kevin is holding.)
Chapter fourteen...the human reproductive system.
Lemme see it!
(Paul reaches for the book, and Kevin turns away slightly.)
Hey! Come on!
Telling us not to read ahead was like telling a pack of wolves to stay away from red meat.
What's the matter Arnold. Are you horny?
Yeah, I think Arnold's horny!
Yeah, I think Arnold's horny! (Giggles.)
(Kevin's sees Winnie getting out of the Cooper's car next to Brian's car in the driveway.)
Shut up you guys!
(Paul snatches the book from Kevin, and exits toward the other guys. Kevin walks into the street toward Winnie.)
Oh my God!
Hi! (Smiles.)
Hi.
Hi. (Smiles.)
Whatcha doing?
Nothing.
Oh.
When are you coming back to school?
Monday.
Oh...(Nods.)
But...maybe we could do something, tomorrow. I mean, if you want.
Yeah. I mean, sure! If you want.
Well, I'm going to my uncles in the morning. But I'll be back around three.
(Shouting): Come on, Kev!
(Paul stands in the distance, motioning to Kevin.)
(Shouting): Let's go!
OK, well...bye! (Smiles.) See you tomorrow.
OK, bye.
Bye.
*
(Paul and Kevin are sitting on Kevin's bed, looking at the open textbook Kevin is holding.)
And thusly, a women's anatomical construction is fantastically adaptive to the needs of a...what's that word?
Burgeoning.
To the needs of a...burgeoning human life. (Nods.)
This stuffs not that good.
Well...(shrugs)...we could look up burgeoning.
But we had already looked up "pre-natal"...and "amniotic fluid"...and it was clear we were barking up the wrong tree.
(Wayne enters.)
Ha...working on your sex education I see.
(Wayne takes the book from Kevin.)
Not sure you boys are old enough for this.
Give it back, Wayne. (Frowns.)
Let's see...oh, pretty hot stuff. Ya know...I bet the guys who wrote this stuff have never even been to second base.
Well, what's that supposed to mean? (Nods.)
You don't know what second base is?
Course we know what second base is. Sort of.
Awright...
And with an air of confident authority that only an idiot...or an older brother can have...Wayne proceeded to elaborate a baseball metaphor that changed the way we looked at women...and baseball...forever.
And I'm tellin' ya...(gestures)...everybody gets to at least second base, by the...(gestures)...seventh grade.
This was a lot of pressure. Especially since most of the girls we knew had no second bases.
Look...I'll tell you what you guys should do. You should get a real book.
A real book?
Yeah. You should get "Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask". (Nods.)
There's a book called that?
Yeah sure, it was a best seller. Just go to a bookstore.
Well...(frowns)...have you read it?
No, I don't have to. The great ones go on instinct.
Oh...(Frowns.)
Oh, yeah. I go on instinct too.
I go on instinct...(Smiles.)
Yeah. (Nods.)
(Cut to the bookstore.)
Instinctively...we went to the bookstore first thing the next morning.
(They see a display of the books.)
Holy mackerel!
(A man frowns at them. Kevin grabs Paul's arm as he reaches for a book, and leads Paul down an aisle.)
You idiot!
What? That was it. Didn't you see it?
Of course I saw it. But you can't just rush in and grab one. (Frowns.)
Why not?
Why not? Because he'll think we're perverts that's why not.
Well what do you want to do?
We've got to look around...get some other stuff. Clean stuff. Here - this looks good.
"Ivanhoe"?
Here, lets get one of these "War and Peace's", too.
OK.
Right. Now we get the sex book.
(Paul hurriedly leans over and sneaks a book from the display.)
Alright...now put it on the bottom...and the guy will never even notice what it is. Maybe.
(They head toward the register, then Kevin drags Paul back into the aisle.)
It's a lady! Forget it. We've gotta go. Let's put this back.
No!
I'd known Paul since he was thirty-six hours old...and never before had I seen that kind of fire in his eyes.
(Paul slides the book into his polo sweater and zips it up.)
Buy those books, and act...casual.
What are you crazy?! (Nods.)
This was going too far. I was a pervert...not a felon.
Kevin, it's everything you always wanted to know about sex. Everything!
(At the counter.)
I'd like to buy these.
Its pretty advanced reading for a boy of your age. (Smiles.)
Thanks.
OK...it'll be seven ninety-five.
(Kevin takes the bag and sets some money down.)
Thanks!
(Kevin and Paul run out toward the door.)
Hey, there's twenty dollars here!
(Cut to Kevin's bedroom.)
It was about two miles from the bookstore to my house...we made it in just under four seconds.
Come on, get it out!
(Paul gets the book out, and they both lean toward it as Paul flips it open.)
Kevin! Lunch!
Oh no!
(Kevin takes the book from Paul, and pushes the book under the mattress.)
Maybe I should stay here. To watch the book.
Paul!
(Kevin takes Paul's arm, pulling him toward the door. Cut to the kitchen. Kevin is rapidly eating lunch.)
Kevin, slow down. You're going to make yourself sick.
(Paul enters from outside.)
You done yet?
Paul! You just left, you couldn't possibly have gone all the way home.
I couldn't?
Mom, can I be excused?
No, you may not be excused. Now just sit down and finish your lunch. Don't forget - it's your day to do the dishes.
We had about fifty dishes. We did 'em in...just under four seconds.
(Kevin and Paul hurry into the bedroom. They kneel down next to the bed, lift the cover and mattress, and lean under it. Kevin straightens up, then Paul straightens up, and they look at each other.)
It's gone! (Gestures.)
It's gone.
Oh my God! My parents! No, wait, we'd stolen it. Of course - the pretty lady. The police!
(Kevin hears a snicker, and looks toward the other bed.)
Wayne! (Frowns.)
Oh, looking for this? (Laughs.)
Gimme that, you jerk!
Well, I don't know. Think I'm going to have to preview this for you boys.
Thought you didn't need it, Wayne. (Frowns.)
Yeah, give it back. We got it!
Now, I bet you'd like to try this with your little girlfriend Win-nie! (Nods.)
Shut up, Wayne. (Frowns.)
Or this! No, wait a minute. (Frowns.) I think Winnie...(gestures)...kinda might like this one. (Nods.)
Shut up, Wayne!
How far are you gonna go with her Kev? You gonna try for a home run pal, huh? No wait a minute, wait a minute. Now this one looks like a lotta fun, why don't I read it to you?
(Kevin grabs Wayne, pulling him onto the bed.)
It's hard to know just how it happened...but suddenly at that moment...with an intensity that no one in that room had previously thought possible...twelve-and-a-half years of pent up impotent rage became potent!
(Wayne lifts Kevin slightly.)
Sort of...
(Wayne tosses Kevin onto the bed.)
Ugh!
Wayne still outweighed me by a good thirty pounds.
What's the matter with you!?
(Kevin lunges at Wayne again. They wrestle, and Norma opens the door and frowns.)
What is going on in here? (Frowns.)
(Norma glances from the boys to the book on the floor.)
Oh my God! Uh, Paul, I think you better go home now.
(Paul bends down, picks up the book, tucks it under his polo sweater, and approaches Norma. She puts her arm out, stopping Paul. She holds her hand toward him, and looks down as Paul hands her the book and exits.)
Well, you gotta give Paul credit for trying.

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(Ep 3 - "My Father's Office")

(Kevin, Steve, Wayne and Paul are on the bus.)
Now look, first you have to have something you really want to be, and then you have to have a fallback position. So like, I wanna be a professional baseball player, but my fallbacks...are either...a astronaut or a forest ranger.
OK. OK, I want to be a professional baseball player too.
Well what's your fallback?
A professional football player.
Why don't you fall back a little further.
I don't know. I'd probably go into business with my father.
Well, what's your dad do?
I don't know - he works.
You don't know what your father does? That's the most stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah, well what does your father do?
He works at NORCOM.
Yeah, he works at NORCOM.
Nor-com? What the hell is that?
(Paul hangs his tongue out and makes a "duh" face.)
It's a company, moron.
What does he do there? Is he the janitor?
No, he's the manager, jerk.
What does he manage, toilet bowls?
No, business, stupid! (Gestures.) He manages business.
"He manages business"? What the hell's that supposed to mean?
And that's when it hit me. I had absolutely no idea what that meant. Fortunately, Wayne was able to salvage some of our family dignity.
So, you're too stupid to understand anyway, so, so...
(Wayne makes farting noises.)
Oh yeah?
(Steve starts making retaliatory farting noises. Paul joins in. Kevin frowns and looks out the window.)

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(Ep 4 - "Angel")

(In class Miss White's English class.)
Now, do we always agree on, on...what values should be?
(A boy raises his hand.)
That was Joey Santano. He'd always wait for Miss White to ask a really easy rhetorical question.
Yes.
And then he'd get it wrong.
Anybody else?
(Paul raises his hand.)
Yes, Mr. Pfeiffer.
No. (Smiles.)
(Kevin frowns and gestures at Paul, who shrugs.)
*
For two weeks, all we heard about was "Louis says this", and "Louis says that".
(Kevin throws a football to Paul as a wildly-painted VW bus approaches.)
And then one day...we all got to meet him.
(Louis parks the car and gets out.)
This...was Louis. He was a junior at the State university...an honor-student at political philosophy...active in student government and various non-profit social causes.
(Louis joins Karen on the front yard . He kisses her on the back of the head. Kevin frowns.)
But I didn't know that. All I knew...
(Karen and Louis kiss.)
Was that he was on my sister like mold on cheese.
(They kiss more heavily. Paul looks at them.)
Wow...
Paul! She's my sister! (Frowns.)
So what, she's not my sister.

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(Ep 5 - "The Phone Call")

(Kevin and Paul are standing in the cafeteria, holding their trays of food.)
Can we sit down now? I'm getting leg cramps.
(Kevin looks around earnestly.)
Who are you looking for?
I'm not looking for anybody!
Why are you staring at Lisa Berlini?
(Kevin gags Paul with his hand. Paul struggles.)
What are you trying to do to me?! Are you crazy?! Alright, if I let go will you promise to be quiet? You swear?
(Paul nods. Kevin releases him. Paul shrugs.)
Did I say something wrong?
(Kevin looks toward Lisa.)
What? Do you like her or something?
What? Are you crazy? (Frowns.) Where do you get ideas like that? Well, sort of.
Wow, really? Does she like you too?
Paul, I have no idea.
Do you know who'd know?
Paul, you've got to promise me this once, don't let anybody know, ever!
OK, OK.
(Paul starts to eat an apple.)
Who?
(Paul nods and swallows heavily.)
And so began the great intermediary fiasco.
Patty Galvin. She lives right next door to her, and she knows everything about her. Do you want me to ask?
Torn between the forces of torturous love and the fear of horrible humiliation...I agreed on the sworn promise that not a word would ever be mentioned directly to Lisa Berlini...to let Paul ask Patty Galvin whether or not Lisa liked me. After all, Patty did know everything about Lisa.
(Paul returns and sits down.)
She had no idea.
Well, what's she doing? Where's she going now?
She's asking Tommy Rygot.
Oh god, it's going to be all over the school!
And Tommy Rygot of course...had absolutely no idea. But he was thoughtful enough to inquire of...of...
Who's she?
I've never seen her before in my life.
Of someone we'd never seen before in our lives.
*
After the great intermediary fiasco had...fiascoed...it was clear I could never be seen by Lisa Berlini again. There were certain places I felt I was unlikely to bump into her.
(In the restroom, Kevin is sitting on a the toilets. Paul stands in the stall door, holding a sandwich.)
I'm going to flush this tuna fish sandwich if you don't want it.
Paul, what did she do after the girl asked her if she liked me?
I don't know, I was watching you run out.
(The bell rings.)
Well, I guess we've got to go to O'Brien's class.
Nuh-uh. I'm not going anywhere, she might see me.
Well you can't just stay here all day.
Why not?
"Why not?" is right. I had running water, indoor plumbing, tuna...I could last weeks.
You're going to see her on the bus anyway.
Not if I walk home.
Yeah, but what about tomorrow?

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(Ep 6 - "Dance With Me")

(Lockers.)
You're gonna ask Lisa Berlini, aren't you?
I don't know. Maybe.
Then who am I supposed to go with?
I don't know. Hey! Why don't you ask Carla Healey?
(Paul starts sneezing.)
No way. No way.
Why not? (Smiles.) I hear she likes you.
(Paul rubs his nose.)
Just stop talking about her, OK?
(Paul pulls out a hankerchief and blows his nose.)
The words "Carla" and "Healey" had the same effect on Paul as seafood and grass pollen...
(Winnie approaches in the background.)
Severe membrane inflammation.
What's wrong with him?
I said the "C" word.
Carla Healey? (Smiles.)
(Paul sneezes violently. Winnie looks at him.)
Are you gonna ask her to the dance or something?
No way, I'm not.
(Winnie smiles at Kevin.)
You mean, you're asking Carla Healey?
No he's asking Lisa Berlini.
Lisa Berlini, huh?
Yeah. I don't know. I might not.
You know, you should. She's nice.
She's OK.
Well...I guess I'll see you guys later. (Exits.)
(Kevin looks over Winnie, then slams his locker, looks at Paul, and exits.)
What?! (Gestures.)
*
(Cafeteria.)
Tough break with this Lisa Berlini thing, huh? (Smiles.)
At least Paul was happy to hear of my rejection. It meant he wouldn't have to ask Carla Healy to be his date.
Aren't you gonna eat your hamburger?
I'm not hungry.
I wouldn't eat it either. You see how they make the hamburgers? (Frowns.) They put all this gross stuff in it.
It tastes alright to me.
I heard Eddie Obin bit into a hamburger and a bug flew out from under the bun.
No way.
That's what he said.
I don't believe it.
I do. It's documented fact.
Alright, that did it. There was only so much one guy could take.
First of all, there's no way a bug can breathe under a hamburger bun. And it probably would have suffocated before Eddie even bit into it.
That's right! And besides that...a bug is too quick to get caught in a hamburger to begin with.
Let's say it did get caught under the bun, but didn't suffocate. It probably would have flown away when...
(K & W):...Eddie put the ketchup on.
Winnie and I always saw eye to eye on stuff like that. It was like we were born under the same sign or something.
Suit yourselves. I'm getting an ice cream sandwich. (Exits.)
*
(Lockers. Kevin and Paul watch Kirk and Winnie in the distance..)
God, Winnie Cooper and an eighth grader. Can you believe it?
Really amazing. (Frowns.)
I mean...he's actually...cool.
So I'm told.
Captain of the football team...Mr. Popularity.
Look, Paul. There's more to life than being cool, athletic and popular!
It was all too much to take. First Lisa Berlini had opened the wound...now Winnie Cooper poured the salt. There was only one solution left with regards to the upcoming dance.
(Paul crosses around Kevin, and pats him on the shoulder.)
So I guess it's just you and me for the dance on Friday, huh? (Smiles.)
Nope, I'm not going!
What?!
(Cut to bus-stop.)
You've got to go.
No, I don't.
Kevin, you know I can't go if you don't go.
Yes, you can. You can do anything you want. I'm staying home.
Kevin, only losers stay home.
Then I guess I'm a loser. What's the big deal anyway, it's just a stupid dance.
Just a dance? (Frowns.) Just a dance?!
(Cut to Kevin's bedroom.)
Just a dance?!
(Kevin flops face-down under the pillow.)
Kev, you're making a big mistake!
No I'm not! Now go away!
I just can't show up to this thing alone!
(Kevin sits up.)
Then don't! Go ask Carla Healey. And stop bothering me!
Maybe I will!
Fine!
Good! (Exits.)
(Sound of a door slamming and Paul sneezing.)
*
(At the dance.)
Are you sure I look better without my glasses?
You look like a million bucks. (Gestures.) How do I look?
I have absolutely no idea. There's Winnie!
Where?
Over there, by the punch bowl.
That's Mr. Cutlip, Paul. (Frowns.)
Oh, yeah.
(Fade to the refreshment table. Kevin and Paul walk away with cups of punch.)
The goal at a junior high school dance is to look as busy as possible...without actually setting foot on the dance floor.
(Two girls walk past, Kevin and Paul look at them, and then at their cups. Kevin crumples his cup, and throws it into the trashcan next to the table. Paul throws his cup, which hits Carla in the shoulder. She turns around.)
Good job, Paul. (Smiles.) Look who you just hit.
(Paul squints and looks off, then looks surprised, and starts sneezing.)
Why don't you go over and ask her to dance?
Is she looking over here?
No, she's not looking over here.
Good. (Frowns.)
She's coming over here.
(Paul looks shocked as Carla approaches.)
Hi, Paul. (Smiles.)
Hi, Carla. (Frowns.)
(Paul looks down. Carla smiles, then and sighs and looks down. Paul swallows, then looks up.)
Carla?
(Kevin joins Paul and Carla's hands together.)
I think Paul over here has a little something to ask you.
(Paul looks at Carla in surprise.)
OK! (Smiles.)
(Paul smiles as Carla pulls him onto the dance floor. Carla starts to dance. Paul kinda stands there, snapping his fingers.)
It was as sorrowful a spectacle as I had ever seen on the evening news.

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(Ep 7 - "Heart of Darkness")

(Lockers.)
Do you want to stand, or do you want to walk around?
Well...what did we do yesterday?
We...walked around awhile, and then we stood.
Well...let's stand around awhile, then...we'll walk.
The crucial thing was not to let the conversation die. Then you'd look like two guys with nothing to do.
(Paul hums "The Star-Spangled Banner". Kevin frowns at him, and Paul looks away casually and stops humming.)
*
(In homeroom with Gary. They are taking a test.)
Psst! What'd you get for number one?
Get outta here.
Come on, man. Don't be such a wuss.
Forget it. Get outta here.
(Paul glances in Mrs. Ritvo's direction.)
Don't worry about it. The old bag can't even hear herself fart.
(Gary tries to take Paul's test paper.)
Forget it. Get outta here, jerk.
(Gary turns forward and mimics Paul's voice.)
"Get outta here, jerk".
Gary Cosay. You know the type. The kind of guy, who at the tender age of twelve-and-a-half, looks like he shouldn't come out by day.
(Gary looks at Kevin.)
Psst. What did you get for number one?
What a joker. This guy thought he was so cool...people would just be waiting in line to give him their answers.
X equals 7.
(Paul looks at Kevin with amazement, then at Gary.)
See? (Gestures.) Did he burst into flames?
Hey, what can I say? It just seemed like the thing to do at the time. OK, it happened once. Let's not make a huge deal out of it.
What did you get for number 2?
X is greater than or equal to 14.
(Paul looks at Kevin in amazement.)
Great minds think alike. That's what I got.
(Gary reaches toward Kevin's paper.)
Psst.
(Gary motions with his fingers. Kevin sighs, and releases his paper. Gary slides it off the desk.)
Kevin. Are you crazy? You're gonna get caught.
Paul, forget it.
Forget it? What do you mean, forget it?
(Mrs. Ritvo approaches from behind. Kevin makes warning faces at Paul.)
Ritvo's gonna nail you. She's not as stupid as she looks, you know.
Thank you, Mr. Pfeiffer.
You're welcome? (Smiles.)
(Cut to a table where Kevin, Gary, and Paul are sitting side-by-side.)
Detention. Paul and I were a tad out of our element. My hunch was that one or two of our colleagues were repeat offenders. I felt like Dennis the Menace on a chain-gang with Lee Harvey Oswald and the Boston Strangler.
I thought you said she couldn't her herself fart.
Yeah, well. I guess you talk louder than she farts.
My mother's going to kill me.
Relax. Your mother's never going to find out.
Oh, yeah. Like my mother is just going to sign my detention slip and forget to look at it.
(Gary takes Paul's detention slip.)
What's her first name?
(Paul is speechless.)
Ida.
Ida.
(Gary signs Paul's slip.)
Life's not that hard, man. Take it easy.
(Kevin slides his detention slip to Gary.)
Norma.
You can't just do that!
Why not?
Paul was right. What was I thinking - cheating in class, forging my mother's name - this wasn't me.
Yeah. Why not?
*
(Lockers. Kevin and Paul watch Kirk and Winnie in the distance.)
You know what it is? It's the contacts. Ever since she got contacts, she thinks she's so cool. She's turned into a real snob. You know when my mother took me to get contacts and I found out I was allergic to them? Well now I'm glad. I'd much rather wear glasses and be a nice person than have contacts and be a snob. I can't believe she thinks she's better than -
Paul! Who cares what she thinks?
Yeah, who cared? So what if Winnie was making new friends. We were making new friends too.
(Gary exits the restroom, exhaling cigarette smoke, and approaches.)
Hey, man. Can you do me a favor?
Sure, what?
(Gary hands a full brown paper bag to Kevin.)
Could you keep this in your locker till lunch?
(Paul shakes his head at Kevin and mouthes "no". Kevin takes the bag.)
Um, sure. No sweat!
(Paul shrugs and looks dejected.)
What is it?
Hey, you're paranoid, man. You know that? It's just some stuff I need for Friday night.
Well, what's Friday night?
Uh, you know, sometimes I just crash out in the woods all night.
Yeah?
Yeah, my old lady is always hassling me. Sometimes, you know, I just gotta get out.
Yeah, I know what you mean. (Nods.)
You do?
Yeah. My old lady's the same way.
(Paul mouths "old lady?")
Yeah? Hey, look if you guys want to come, then, that's cool.
No thanks.
Yeah, sure!
Yeah, like my mother is just going to want me to sleep out in the woods.
Just tell her you're sleeping over at my house. Don't be so paranoid, man.
It was a cheap trick - turning a 12-year-old's sense of manhood against his his sense of intelligence.
OK...
(Paul shrugs and smiles.)
Cheap - but dependable.
(Gary and Kevin "high-five". Gary slowly "high-five's" Paul, and gentle slaps Paul's face.)
Keep the change. (Exits.)
*
(At night, Kevin and Paul are sitting next to each other on a log near a small campfire.)
God, I hope my mother doesn't call your mother.
She won't.
I hope your mother doesn't call Gary's mother.
She won't. (Gestures.)
I hope Gary's mom doesn't call -
Paul!
(Gary approaches and sits down opposite them.)
Hey, man. Sorry I'm late. (Shrugs.) I needed to get some stuff.
No problem. (Shrugs.) We brought some stuff, too.
Great. Whatta ya got?
Well, lots of good stuff. We got...marshmellows...some Kool-Aid...I think there's some Twinkies in here somewhere. Look here.
(He pauses when he sees Gary's cartons of cigarettes.)
Oh, and I got a snakebite kit, too, just in...case...
I can see it's going to be up to me to liven you guys up a little.
(Gary reaches down and puts an 8-track tape in the player. "Sunshine of Your Love" starts. Gary opens the carton and removes a pack of Cools. He starts to take a cigarette out, then offers the pack to Paul, who spreads his hands in front of him, and frowns.)
No, thanks. I don't smoke.
(Gary takes a can of beer from his paper bag.)
You can start on a brew, Pfeiffer. Unless you'd rather have Kool-Aid.
(Paul reaches forward, takes the beer, and smiles at it.)
I couldn't believe it - a can of beer? A 16-ounce can of beer? This thing was going too far!
(Paul holds the beer and looks uncertain.)
Thank God Paul at least had a level head! Go on Paul, say it. Go ahead and say it - just say "no". Just say "no". Just say "no"!
(Paul tilts his head back and chugs the beer.)
Huh, well, let's face it - kids in those days just weren't as smart as kids of today.
God, I love to party. I could party twenty-four hours a day, man.
Yeah...(puffs)... me too, man.
You guys remember *Ben, **** and Andy*? They go to Central.
(K & P): Yeah.
I usually party with them. My girlfriend goes to Central, too. She's got honkers out to here, man.
(He holds his hands about a foot from his chest.)
Whoa...
You guys goin' out with anybody?
Nah. Not right now. I used to be going out with this girl, Winnie Cooper. We broke up.
Whoa! Yeah, Winnie. She's pretty cute - a little flat - but cute.
(Giggling): Kevin likes 'em flat. (Giggles.) Gimme a butt, man!
I thought you didn't smoke.
(Paul lifts the beer.)
Only when I drink! (Giggles).
Yeah, well Carly Healey's no Raquel Welch, Paul.
She's got a handful!
Yeah, like you'll ever know.
You can't go out with one girl for too long. Before you know it, they like, want you to walk them in the hall. Everyday, and stuff.
Yeah, I know.
I was starting to feel a little better about this whole Winnie Cooper thing. Hell - she was flat. And I'd be damned if I was gonna walk with her every day.
Give me another hit.
(Kevin takes the beer from Paul, and takes a big drink. Paul starts to giggle.)
What? (Shrugs.)
What, man? (Gestures.)
(Paul gestures with both hands. He is giggling and can't speak.)
I, uh, uh...I don't know. Let's go do something. (Giggles.)
Like what?
I don't care. Anything!
I know. About a quarter-mile from here, there's a cave. It's really cool.
Did he say - a cave?
(The kids walk through trees and bushes. They each have a flashlight.)
I couldn't believe it. It was just like my dream. I wanted to stop, but something kept propelling me forward. Beneath my placid innocent suburban world lurked a subterranean land of nightmare. And I was about to enter.
(They shine their flashlights on the circular entrance to a storm drain.)
OK, that was fun. Let's go back.
What are you talking about, man?
That's not a cave. That's a sewer. I'm not going in a sewer.
It's not a sewer. It's a storm drain.
Come on, Kevin. Don't be paranoid, man!
My god, I'd created a monster.
(Cut to in the dark storm drain. in. Eerie music plays as Gary leads Paul and Kevin across the shot.)
You know what it's called when you explore a cave?
What?
Hey, you know what it's called when you explore a cave?
What?
Hey, hey, guys...you know what it's called when you explore a cave?
What! (Frowns.)
(Paul turns excitedly toward Kevin, leans closer and smiles.)
Spelunking! (Giggles).
Say it - don't spray it. (Frowns.)
Spelunking!
(Paul continues on, smiling.)
Lunking, lunking...
I think I liked Paul better when he wasn't such a fun guy.
(The guys assemble in a larger area. Sound of dripping water is heard.)
OK! This is it. Isn't this cool?
Wow, man, this is great!
This pipe comes all the way from Crestview shopping center. You can crawl in there, and you'll end up right behind Sears.
Cool!
This one comes from over by the rec center, near where the men's room is.
Wow!
I know I was impressed.
And this one - nobody knows...where this one goes. Shhh! I thought I heard something. There was a guy once, went into that pipe to try to find out where it went...he never came out. They say he starved to death. And then there was this big storm - and the whole thing flooded, and he drowned. They didn't find him till...six...months...later.
OK, now I was really scared. And like any 12-year old boy who's trying not to show he's scared, I got argumentative.
Wait a minute. Which one was it? Did he starve to death, or did he drown?
Both!
You can't do both. It's either one or the other.
How do you know?!
Because it doesn't make any sense! I mean, he can get really, really hungry, and then drown...or he can starve to death, but he can't drown 'cause he'd be already dead.
Hey, man, look. I knew the guy. He was a friend of mine's cousin.
That means he can die twice?!
Alls I know...they just found parts of him. The rats ate the rest. Unless there's still parts of him in there.
Let's get out of here!
Hey, you're the one that wanted to come in here in the first place.
That's before I knew there were dead body parts.
Shhhh! I heard it again. Listen!
(Kevin and Paul listen. Gary makes "ghost" sounds.)
"Oooohhh-ooohhhh...woooo-oooooo! Oooohhh-ooohhhh...woooo-oooooo!"
Shut up, Gary.
Come on, guys, stop!
"Ooooooooh-ooooo-hoooooo!"
Stop it! Come on! Stop it!!
Oooooh, I'm dying...help me! Oooooh, help me...I'm dying, oh!
Shut up, Gary.
I'm not kidding, Gary, knock it off!
"Ooooooh-oooooooooh!"
Cut it out!
Stop it Gary! Stop it!
"Ooooooooooooh-oooooooooooh!"
Stop it!
(Paul turns to hurry out, but trips and falls down.)
Ow! My leg! Stop it! Stop it!
Paul, you OK?
"Oooooooooh-ooooooooooooooh!"
Shut up, you jerk!
Heh-heh. God, I can't believe you guys! You're really scared? Aw, what's the matter, Pfeiffer, are you crying? Heh, God, I can't believe you - you're crying! "Ooooooooooh.. I'm dying". Heh-heh.
You're a real jackass, you know that!
"Help me... I'm dying...Oooooooh!" Heh-heh.
Shut up! Just - shut - the hell - up!
"Oooooooooh!" Heh-heh-heh. "Oh, I'm dying...ooooh"
(Kevin helps Paul up, and they start to leave.)
Hey! Hey, where are you going? Hey, come on - I was just kidding.
(Cut to the street as Kevin and Paul walk up the sidewalk.)
When I look back on it now, I feel sorry for Gary. When all was said and done, he was just a little kid, and I guess he needed friends. But all Paul and I knew that night was - that we wanted to go home.
*
(Kevin and Paul are sitting on the curb in front of Kevin's house, looking at baseball cards.)
That's orange!
No, it's not, it's red. Look at the Orlando Cepeda, they're both the same.
No way, but that's like practically maroon!
But it's the same team.
Hi, you guys.
(Winnie approaches them, wearing glasses. Kevin and Paul glance up at Winnie, but are disinterested and look back at the cards.)
Hi.
Hi.
Are you guys mad at me?
What do you mean?
Well, yesterday in the hall...you just looked like you were mad at me.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah. Me neither.
OK. Forget it.
(Winnie slowly walks toward her house. Kevin and Paul glance at each other, then Paul looks after Winnie.)
Hey, Winnie! How come you're wearing your glasses?
Huh?
How come you're wearing your glasses?
Oh, I lost one of my contacts. I look so stupid in these things.
(She adjust her glasses, and looks embarrassed. Kevin looks directly at her.)
No you don't. You look good. (Gestures.) I'm serious! You look much smarter. In fact, Paul and I were just saying the other day how dumb you look in contacts. Weren't we, Paul?
Oh, yeah. (Smiles.) Tell me about it.
No, really! I'm surprised the teachers don't start grading you down just because you look dumb.
Oh, you're one to talk! (Smiles.)
Hey, I'm just being honest. (Gestures.) I would not lie about a this. Would I lie about this, Paul?
I've known him for twelve years and he would not lie about this. You definitely look stupid in contacts.
You guys!
Who's gonna tell you these things, if not your friends?

See also Full Transcript



(Ep 8 - "Our Miss White")

(Kevin and Paul have just finished rehearsing Miss White's play.)
Do you think I came off as unlikable?
Paul, you're playing J. Edgar Hoover. You're supposed to be unlikable.
I know. But Miss White said I should try to find the complexity in the man.
(Paul walks away slowly.)
That man is a threat...to the American way of life. That man is ...(gestures)...a threat to the American way of life. That man is a threat to the American way of life.
*
(Another day of rehearsal.)
Can I make a phone call?
(Miss White shrugs and rolls her head.)
Well, sure. Of course. Take five everybody.
Five what? (Frowns.)
*
Waiting backstage that night, I started thinking of that first day I fell in love with Miss White, back in the classroom. I thought of the way she had cried at Dr. King's speech. And I thought of the way that made me feel. And you know something? In my heart, I really believed that Miss White loved me, too. It wasn't something that could be a part of real life, but that didn't mean it wasn't there. And that's when I knew what was going to happen. That's when I knew what I was going to do.
Hey, Kevin! You ready? You're almost on!
I was going to cry.
Hey-hey, Kevin - what's the matter?
I was about to go out to deliver a speech in front of three-hundred people...and I was gonna cry.
Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty, we are free at last.
OK, Kevin, this is you. You're on!
(Paul pushes Kevin gently.)v
Come on, Kev.

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(Ep 9 - "Christmas")

(Lockers.)
I mean on average.
Counting socks and underwear?
Total annual tonnage.
See, well, I thought we were talking quality, not quantity.
Oh, come on, Paul. (Shrugs.) I mean, you get Hanukkah presents every day for a week.
Paul and I had a standing argument over who made out better on the holidays. Paul's lasted eight days which I thought gave him the edge.
Well, let's see. (Gestures.) I'll give you an example. What's the one thing you really want for Christmas?
What's that got to do with it?
Just answer the question!
What did I want? What would make things absolutely perfect?
(Slow-motion shot of Winnie approaching with a group of friends. "Winnie's Theme" plays. Winnie smiles and tosses her hair, and smiles at a friend. Kevin smiles. Kirk joins Winnie and takes her hand. The music grinds down. Kevin frowns.)
A TV. I guess I want a color TV.
(Winnie approaches.)
Kevin?
She was alone. She was wearing perfume.
Hi...
Hi! (Smiles.)
(She holds up a small white box with red ribbon.)
I wanted to give you this.
What is it?
It's a present.
Sure. I knew that.
I wanted to tear it open with my teeth.
But don't open it till Christmas. 'Kay?
Course not.
A thousand thoughts were barrelling through my head. A million questions, a billion -
Well, seeya!
Wait - stop her! Stop her!
Uh, I - I got somethin' for you, too.
Good. A lie, but a - a good lie...
I just...don't have it with me.
Oh, that's OK. You don't have to.
Maybe I can...bring it to your house?
I guess so.
Then I'll seeya. (Smiles.)
In a matter of seconds...my whole life had been bent into a question-mark. What did this mean? Was it a message? One thing I was sure of - Winnie Cooper...had never smelled better.
You're dreamin'.
Huh?
You're never gonna get a color TV!
*
But I had problems of my own. I had to find a present for Winnie. It had to be perfect. It had to say everything - without saying anything. And it had to be under six bucks.
How about a book? How about one of those paperweights, with the ice-skater inside, and the swirling snow? (Gestures.)
Are you kidding?! (Frowns.) I hate those!
Well, my mother liked the one I got her.
Sorry. (Frowns.)
It's OK.
Compromise was out of the question. I had to find the right gift - or die trying.
(Kevin is at the perfume counter. A woman's hands opens a bottle of perfume, holding it toward Kevin. Kevin smells the perfume. Paul is holding a hankerchief to his nose.)
I can't tell.
I think I'm dying.
It smells like...leaves...(gestures)...i-in the ocean, at night. Do you have anything like that? (Frowns.)
(The woman walks off.)
Why don't we just pick up the phone, and ask Winnie what it's called?
We can't.
Why not? We can disguise our voices. We could be Avon calling.
Paul could be amazingly dense when it came to women. Fortunately, he had me to set him straight.
It's gotta be a surprise! That's what she's expecting!
Oh.
See - that's why she gave me the present in the first place. She wants me to make the next move.
Ohhhh...
Yeah...
(The woman returns with a tray of perfume bottles. Paul looks at the perfume and sighs as Kevin smells them, finally finding the right one.)
One question. If she already has some - why get her more?
(Shot of the paperweight with the swirly snow.)
OK - so it wasn't what James Bond would give Pussy Galore. "Double-Oh-Seven" wasn't gettin' by on fifty-cents-a-week in allowance. Besides...
It's the thought that counts.
I had to believe that...I had no choice.

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(Ep 10 - "Steady As She Goes")

(Lockers. Kevin and Paul watch a girl and boy in the distance.)
Man, he looks like he's ready to barf. Why would anyone want to go steady anyway?
Don't ask me.
What's so great about going steady? Personally, I'd rather play the field.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
(Kirk and Winnie walk past.)
Paul was right. You didn't want to get tied down too early in life. I mean, look at Kirk McCray. Winnie Cooper had him wrapped around her little finger. Thank God I was a free man.
Kevin?!
Huh?
I said, did you hear about Kirk and Winnie?
No.
Well supposedly...they might break up. I heard it from Becky Slater.
(Kevin brightens momentarily, then looks off and frowns.)
So, who cares? (Shrugs.)
I hear Kirk thinks Winnie likes someone else.
Big deal.
(Paul frowns and looks off in the other direction.)
Oh, great. Now he clams up. What was he gonna make me do? Ask him?
So? (Nods.) Who does she like? (Nods.)
I don't know. But whoever it is, it'll be a big step down from Kirk McCray, I can tell you that. I mean, he's like the coolest guy in the whole school. I don't know who she thinks she's gonna get even half as good as he is, because he's like the...(gestures)...top of the -
Paul, you should really stop worrying about Winnie Cooper's love life. I mean, it's kinda pathetic.
I was just saying.
I'd been toyed with too many times to get excited about one measley rumor.
(Winnie turns and exits. Kirk slams the locker shut and sighs. Cut to the cafeteria. Kevin and Paul are playing paper football.)
Besides, Paul and I had plenty to do...without girls getting in the way.
It's good. (Smiles.)
No.
No way! Your finger's crooked!
I'm going straight!
Not that I don't trust you, or anything.
These surfaces are too slick. (Frowns.)
Are you kidding? (Frowns.) These are the best in the school.
No way! They are not the best tables...(fades out.)
Competition. Accusations. Common cruelty. These were things we understood. Why did it ever have to change?
(Becky approaches.)
Hi, Paul. Hi, Kevin.
(Kevin stops laughing and looks toward Becky off-screen.)
Oh. Hi, Becky.
Hi, Becky.
You want to hear something? (Smiles.)
I don't care. (Shrugs.)
I know someone who likes you. (Smiles.)
Big deal. Well...who is it?
Well, I can't tell you her name. But her initials are C.H.
"C.H." (Frowns.) "C.H." (Frowns.) "C.H." (Frowns.)
Big mystery here. Carla Healey. She was the only female in Paul's life who wasn't a blood relative.
"C.H."?
If you're interested, she'll be at the skating rink tonight.
Thanks, I'll keep it in mind.
See you guys later. (Exits.)
"C.H." (Frowns.) I wonder who that is? (Shrugs.) Who cares?
Yeah. Who cares?
Yeah. Who cares?
(Paul looks off and smiles slightly.)
So...
(Paul looks at Kevin.)
You feel like going skating tonight? (Smiles.)
(Cut to singing class. Mr. Frace plays the piano as the kids sing "Yellow Bird". The kids get out of sync. Mr. Frace frowns at the kids and bangs the keys in frustration.)
What's the wrong with you kids? You forget how to sing since yesterday? Alright...(gestures)...we'll try something more contemporary. Page six, West Side Story.
(Paul and Kevin flip their songbooks to the page. They whisper to each other instead of singing.)
Alls I'm saying is that I think it would be fun to go skating.
I hate skating. Why don't we just go bowling?
I'm sick of bowling. All we ever do is bowl, bowl, bowl.
Do not.
I'd rather get some exercise, some fresh air.
It's an indoor rink, Paul. (Frowns.)
Come on, Kevin. (Frowns.)
Alright. This had gone far enough. It was time to do what any red-blooded twelve year old would do when his buddy's about to dump him for a girl - torture him for it.
Well, uh, what's the matter, Paul? Wanna skate with Carla Healey?
No!
Well, I thought you didn't like her anymore.
I don't! (Frowns.)
Oh. Well, you know, I think you two would look very cute skating across the ice, hand in -
I'm not gonna skate with Carla Healey. I just think it's gonna be fun. We'll go skating. That's all.
It was hopeless. He was a goner. One lousy "I-know-someone-who-likes-you," and he's ready to sell out our -
(Kevin sees Winnie looking toward him while singing.)
Hold the phone. What have we here? That was no "I'm-glad we're-still-friends" look. That was "Tony, Tony! Take me, I'm yours!" My God, it was a moment. Maybe those rumors about Winnie and Kirk were true.
(Music changes to an orchestra version.)
(Singing, with V/O of Maria from West Side Story): Hold my hand, and I'll take you there!
(Singing, with V/O of Tony): Somehow!
(As Maria): Someday!
(As Tony): Somewhere!
(K & W as Maria and Tony) Somewhere!
(Paul taps Kevin on the shoulder as the music crescendos, and directs his attention to the door behind him. The camera pans slightly as Kevin looks over his shoulder, toward Kirk holding a sign up to the window: "I'm sorry Winnie." Winnie smiles at Kirk.)
What'd I tell you?
(Cut to the skating rink. Carla holds Paul around the neck and skates awkwardly. They wave and smile at Kevin who is on the sidelines, frowning.)
Well, one minute you're up, the next minute you're down.
(Paul skates up to him.)
How's it goin'? (Smiles.)
Just wonderful. (Frowns.) The time of my life. (Gestures.)
(Carla waves and smiles at Paul.)
She's all over me. (Smiles.)
Paul...(gestures)...she doesn't know how to skate.
Well, what should I do?
I don't care. (Frowns.) Why don't you just ask her? (Gestures.)
You could say that I was being unfair. But there were two hours until Mom came back to pick us up...and I was losing the best friend I ever had.
You're not mad at me, are you?
Mad? (Gestures.) Why should I be mad? (Shrugs.) Look let's just skate, OK? (Gestures.)
(Kevin heads toward the ice.
(Over speaker): Next song will be couples only. Couples only. All others please clear the ice.
We'll do some tag team later, OK? (Gestures.)
Well, that was the end of that. I'd lost him...to a woman.
*
(Hallway with Carla.)
Paul? You'd better tell him.
Me? (Gestures.)
Paul!
Becky Slater...is breaking up with you.
What? (Frowns.) She's breaking up with me?
Oh, God. We didn't mean to tell you. We thought everybody knew.
(Randy approaches.)
Hey, Arnold. Tough luck about Slater. (Exits.)
Hey, I didn't even like her! Who was that guy? (Frowns.)
Kev, look. There's other fish in the sea.
I can't believe this. (Frowns.) How could she break up with me?
Kevin, you really can't blame her. I mean, it's so obvious.
What?
That you still like Winnie Cooper. (Gestures.)
What?!
Well, that did it. I'd had it up to here...with Winnie Cooper.

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(Ep 11 - "Just Between You and Me...and Kirk and Paul and Carla and Becky")

(Cafeteria.)
You're gonna what?! (Frowns.)
He just wants me to ask Winnie if she still...you know, still likes him? (Shrugs.)
You can't do that. (Smiles.)
Yes, I can. (Frowns.)
Kevin, we're talking about Winnie Cooper here. I mean, get real. (Smiles.)
Well, what's your point?
Look, I just know that if Carla dumped me, I could never go and talk to her about liking the guy she dumped me for.
She didn't dump me, Paul. (Frowns.)
Especially for somebody like Kirk McCray. (Nods.)
It doesn't bother me, OK? (Frowns.)
Somebody older who's, like, twice my size.
What difference does that make?
Who's got muscles out to here...(gestures)...and a dark tan in the middle of the winter.
(Yelling): Well, maybe I'm not like you, Paul!
(The cafeteria gets quiet as kids look at Kevin. Kevin notices people staring and lowers his voice.)
Maybe I'm just a little more secure than that, OK? (Frowns.)
(Kevin angrily stands and picks up his lunch tray, spilling the empty milk carton.)
Yeah, sure.
*
Now, Kirk raises an interesting question. What if she does like someone else? Maybe that's what this whole thing is about. But how can you find out without -
(Cut to the cafeteria.)
Paul-bo!
"Paul-bo"?! (Frowns.)
I need you to ask Winnie something for me.
(Paul frowns slightly.)
Come on, Paul. If you liked Winnie, I'd do it for you.
You would not. You'd be mad at me.
Come on, Paul. (Frowns.) What's the big deal?
Well, I can't go up to Winnie and just...ask her if she likes you.
You don't. First, you say "Hi, Winnie!". And she says...
(Paul looks at Kevin blankly. Kevin gestures.)
Hi, Paul?
Good! (Gestures.) OK..."How are you doing?"
(Paul looks off.)
Fine! You're fine! (Frowns.)
Fine. I'm fine. (Nods.)
"So, I heard you broke up with Kirk".
Yeah. (Nods.) I guess I did.
"Is it because you still like Kevin?"
Kevin? (Smiles.) Kevin Arnold? (Giggles.) You must be joking! (Laughs.)
(Kevin bounces a French fry off Paul's tray.)
Forget it. Forget the whole thing. (Frowns.) I thought you were my friend. (Frowns.)
Take it easy. (Gestures.) I'll talk to her.
Never mind.
I'll talk to her! (Nods.)
Yeah?
Sure.
Great! (Smiles.)
(Paul picks up his milk carton and drinks from the straw.)
What are you going to say to her? (Frowns.)
Trust me. (Gestures.)

*
(Kevin is talking to Kirk outside. Paul runs up between them.)
Kevin! Come here for a second.
(Paul steps to the other side of Kevin. Kevin faces him.)
Did you ask Winnie for me?
Why would he talk to Winnie?
I couldn't talk to Winnie. She was with Eric Antonio all afternoon. I think he likes her.
(K & K): What?! (Frowns.)
*
You mean you "like her" like her?
Yeah, I like her. (Gestures.) I liked before you liked her.
You mean you went to talk to her for me...when all this time you liked her?
(Kirk looks at Eric.)
Now you like her? (Frowns.) Jeez, is there anybody else that likes Winnie Cooper I should know about? Paul?!
Well, she does have those tiny little freckles on her nose.
(Kirk frowns at Paul, who raises his hand and smiles.)
A joke! A joke! (Gestures.)
Well...who does she like?
I don't know...(Frowns.) She likes you both.
You mean she "likes us" likes us? (Gestures.)
Well, who does she like better?
Yeah, who does she like better?
Yeah, who does she like better?
I don't know. I'll ask her tonight. We're going skating.
(K, K & P): What?!
*
(Becky has just slugged Kevin, who lies on the floor. Kevin starts to fantasize. Kevin, Paul, Kirk, and Eric, dressed in Star Trek uniforms, get up from lying down on the floor. They glance around and Kevin looks at his uniform and smoothes it.)
(As alien woman): Interesting specimens.
(Winnie, Carla, and Becky, dressed as Star Trek women, take a step forward.)
(As Captain Kirk): Spock, where are we?
(As Spock): It appears, Captain, that we are on an alien planet, inhabited by strange beings with long hair and very short skirts. (Smiles.)
Well, hey, since I was having the fantasy anyway, I figured I might as well do it right.
(As Captain Kirk): Who are you? What do want from us? (Gestures.)
(Winnie raises a wristband and presses it - "boi-oi-ing". Kevin reels backward.)
(As Spock): Highly illogical question, Captain. These are alien beings. They think and act...in ways you cannot hope to understand.
(As Captain Kirk): Well...(gestures)...what can we do? There must be some way of fighting back.
(Kevin glances toward Kirk and Eric.)
(As Captain Kirk): Bones? Scotty?
("Bones" and "Scotty" shrug.)
(As Spock): I'm afraid we have no choice but to submit to their every whim. We are their captives. They control us completely.
(As Captain Kirk): No, this can't be. We're human beings. Can't you understand that? We're men!
(Winnie presses her wristband. The guys writhe in pain and fall to the ground.)
(As Captain Kirk): We're men! Men!
Kev! Hey, Kev!
(Kevin opens his eyes groggily.)
Huh? (Frowns.)
(Paul appears upside down, looking at Kevin.)
You OK?

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(Ep 12 - "Pottery Will Get You Nowhere")

(Mr. Cantwell's science class.)
Tomorrow, Section 6, of "Our Changing Planet", "Earthquake and Cataclysm. Man's Dalliance with Death". Have a nice day...
Paul, are you coming?
(Paul is looking off.)
Why does our planet have to change?
What?
Why does our planet have to change? I like it the way it is.
Paul had a way of taking things a little too much to heart.
(Paul jerks upright suddenly.)
Did you feel something?! I think I just felt something.
Paul. (Frowns.)
(Paul looks at Kevin.)
I swear I felt something!
Paul. It's not gonna happen for billions of years - it's not like the world's gonna turn upside down overnight or something.
*
(Kevin and Paul are doing homework. Paul looks at a book.)
Listen to this. The entire sub-continent of India was once an island. In the early Tertiary period, it began moving toward Asia, and eventually the two collided, forcing the Himalayas violently upward.
Paul...(gestures)...all we have to do is find four major fault-lines, and then we'll be done.
Where is India going? Asia's not gonna budge! It's crazy!
Come on, Paul. (Gestures.) Fault-lines.
Oh, you want fault-lines? There's millions of 'em. (Gestures.) They're everywhere!
I don't care about millions of 'em. (Gestures.) We only need four.
There could be one running right under this house - it could blow any time.
Paul!
OK, um...where's the map?
But Paul was startin' to get to me. I kept thinkin' of the time we cut open the golf ball. All nice and smooth on the inside - all that wound up, wormy rubber. It was creepy. And, then I started to think, what if -
Kevin?
Huh?
W-what's this?
I don't know...I think it's...(shrugs)...a candle-holder, or something.
It's weird!
No, it's not weird. (Frowns.) My mom made it. She's taking a pottery class.
How come?
I don't know. (Shrugs.) Maybe she figured we needed...(gestures)...pots! (Smiles.)

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(Ep 13 - "Coda")

He's gonna go long!
(Kevin throws a football.)
What a pass!
(Paul catches the pass, then points up and smiles.)
Nice spiral, Joe!
You guys, come in. (Gestures.) Huddle up.
The '68 Jets. We had all the moves. There wasn't an imaginary team in the league that could beat us.
OK...it's late in the fourth, the ball's on the six...and Oakland's up by three.
(Paul frowns.)
That would be Don Maynard.
(Paul covers his mouth and nose and sneezes.)
In Paul's case, the only wide-receiver in pro football that was allergic to grass.
I want you to slant left, buttonhook, then cut the post. OK?
(Doug looks at Kevin and gestures.)
Who am I?
You're Emerson Booser. You provide vital pass protection.
Blocking? (Frowns.) Again? Well, well why do I always gotta block?
Cuz you're good at it! Ready...break!
(They line up.)
And the crowd's goin' wild...
OK...eighty-nine! Two-hundred-thirty-five! Hut, hut, hut. Hut!
(Doug snaps the ball and Paul runs a pattern as Kevin back-pedals.)
Joe "Willie" Namath...fades back to pass...he's looking for a receiver...
(Paul looks over his shoulder with his arms outstretched.)
And Maynard breaks free in the end-zone...
Oh, what a block by Booser!
Scrambling, scrambling!
He's wide open...!
(Kevin throws the ball and Paul catches it.)
Touchdown! And the Jets win twenty-six, twenty-three!
Kevin! It's four-thirty...better get a move on! (Frowns.)
And so the AFL championship game of 1968 came to a grinding halt. In front of 60,000 screaming fans...the league's leading passer...had to go to his weekly piano lesson.
*
(Paul, as "Jim", is conducting a player interview with "Joe Namath".)
(As "Jim"): So, Joe...you predicted the Jets would beat the mighty Colts. And here you are, the game's MVP...Well, how does it feel?
(As Joe): Oh, it feels great, Jim! I mean, I can't describe it! It's like being on top of the world! (Smiles.)
(Kevin looks toward the "interview camera", and waves and smiles.)
(As Joe): Hi, mom!
(As Jim): Well, looks like it's getting a little dark here in the locker room...so I guess we'll have to wrap up...
Yeah, it's gettin' kinda late. I better start headin' back. You comin', Paul?
Oh, no, not yet. (Gestures.) Emerson wants to be interviewed. (Smiles.)
OK! See ya guys later!
(As Jim): Oh, hey, Joe! Any last thoughts for our TV audience?
(As Joe): Yeah! Tell 'em it's a night I'll never forget. (Smiles.)

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(Ep 14 - "Hiroshima, Mon Frere")

(Mr. Cantwell's science class.)
And so we conclude Section 7 of "Our Dying Planet". Any questions? Very well. Next week we turn to Section 8, "Radiation and Mutation - What are the Risks?"
(Mr. Cantwell removes his glasses and reads from a 3x5 card.)
We will explore the proposition that your generation may very well be the first to experience the widespread...uh, widespread...
(Mr. Cantwell leans over to Paul.)
Can you read that word?
Uh, it looks like "cancer".
Oh, yes - of course. Widespread cancer ...sure to follow nuclear industrial accidents.
Hey, Sunshine, don't sugar coat it - we can take it.
And now, on a lighter note...let's turn to our science projects, on pollutants and toxic waste. Miss Clark, Miss Rodino, are you prepared?
(Two girls stand up, pick up their experiment, and walk toward the front of the class.)
What are we gonna do? (Gestures.)
I don't know. (Shrugs.)
We pour in the hazardous waste here...let it stand, overnight, and then we study the ecological impact on wildlife and their environment.
Well, he's gonna call on us!
I could understand Paul's concern. Our project was due today. But hey, all we really needed was a conclusion, and uh, a theory, maybe a test subject - another week or so to finish.
Mr. Arnold, Mr. Pfeiffer...
Uh, we need a little more time to -
I see. Are you having a...problem?
Uh, our results have been, um...(gestures)...uh, inconclusive.
Very well. But I'll expect to see something on Monday morning. You understand?
Yes, sir.
*
(An empty science classroom.)
Here, this one looks easy.
Hey, let's do one with these little guys.
Hampsters?
Yeah - they're neat! (Smiles.)
No, it's too much trouble. (Frowns. We need something simple.
I want to work with animals.
Paul's mother wouldn't let him have a pet. And I guess he felt a little deprived. Once I caught him petting the angora sweaters at Sears. It was pretty embarrassing for both of us.
I don't know, Paul.
(Paul bends close to a hampster.)
Hi! Hi! Hi, there! Yeah, you - I'm talking to you!
Did I have a heart of stone?
You're so cute!
Alright - we'll do the hampsters.
Yeah! Alright - did you hear that? I'm taking you home!
This is a scientific experiment, Paul! And we can not think of these as pets.
Oh, yeah - I understand that.
(Paul holds up the cage and looks in.)
And you understand that too - don't you? Yes you do, yes you do!
(Cut to on the bus.)
Paul, you better close the cage, or they're gonna get away.
They wouldn't do that.
(Paul holds a hampster and pets it.)
They like us.
If we lose these guys...Cantwell'll kill us.
(Wayne approaches, smiling.)
Oh, here! I'll protect them for ya! (Laughs.)
No, Wayne...
(Wayne takes the hampster from Paul.)
No, Wayne, stop.
Hey, hey, hey!
Wayne! (Frowns.)
He's fighting me - he's gonna make a break for it!
Wayne! Wayne! Give him back!
Give him back, Wayne!
(Wayne holds the hampster out the window.)
Back boys. Wouldn't want to see anything to happen to your little rat now, would we? (Frowns.)
They're hampsters! (Frowns.)
*
(In the kitchen with a maze and hampsters. Paul looks at his clipboard.)
OK, um...the effects of a bad diet on laboratory hampsters. We feed the test hampster a steady diet of processed snack-foods. (Points.) This. The control hampster receives regular hampster-chow. We then compare the times it takes for the two hampsters to successfully run through the maze. They're still upset from this afternoon. Wheezer's breathing very fast, and, uh Puffy - I mean the control-subject - has the, uh...hiccups. Maybe we should go to my house and do this.
Relax. Wayne won't try anything - not with Mom and Dad around. (Smiles.)
*
(Later in the kitchen.)
Well - alright! Where do we stand? Dad's gone. Mom's gone. Karen's gone. Well, who's next in the chain of command? Of course - how silly of me. Why, it's me. (Frowns.) And I say, you two are out of here, right now!
You get out of here! (Frowns.)
Alright - I didn't want it to come to this...
(Wayne takes a hampster from the cage.)
Stop it, Wayne!
Leave Wheezer alone!
"Wheezer"? (Smiles.) Oh, don't want to hurt little Wheezer, do we?
Give him back, or I'll -
What?! (Frowns.)
(Kevin hesitates.)
Give me a break - the guy out-weighed me by four-thousand pounds.
Or, I'll take 'em back.
He'll take 'em back!
(Wayne hurries to the garbage-disposal and turns it on.)
Back!
(Wayne holds the hampster over the disposal.)
You wouldn't dare!
Observe.
(Wayne drops a carrot in the disposal.)
Stop him!
You don't scare me, Wayne.
He's getting heavy...
(Wayne lowers the hampster.)
Alright! Alright.
Say "I give up, oh mighty Wayne, my lord and master"!
Eat it! (Frowns.)
Um! The blades whirl so fast...you can hardly see 'em!
Stop him!
"I give up, oh mighty Wayne, my lord and master" - now turn it off!
First - I want you to pick up all that junk, take it into your bedroom, and then close the door. And I don't want to see either of you for the rest of the night!
Gimme the hampster! (Frowns.)
When you're in your room, and not before...and then I'll give it to your little lab-partner, here.
(Kevin and Paul walk off.)
That's what I like to see, boys. (Smiles.) A little cooperation!
(Kevin heads to the bedroom. Paul waits next to Wayne.)
Alright! Give it!
All the way in - not in the hallway.
I'm in!
Paul? Check him. (Frowns.)
He's in the bedroom.
(Wayne hands the hampster to Paul.)
This is the last I want to see of you, Pfeiffer.
(Paul exits as Wayne kicks him in the butt. Cut to the bedroom.)
One of these days! I'm gonna kill 'em! I'm gonna smash his brains out! Rip 'em to pieces!
Rip his eyeballs out and roll 'em down the sewer!
Are you OK, Wheezer?
Uh! I'll...
Split his head open like a ripe melon!
Come on, Kevin. (Gestures.) It's time to feed them!
What? Oh! Right, right.
Next time...I'm not backin' down. I don't care what he does.
*
(Wayne pleads with Angela for her to come over.)
*
(Kevin is sitting on his bed holding a clipboard, as Paul joins him.)
We should make another column right here...(points)...so we put the results side-by-side.
OK.
And later, we correlate them.
Alright. Now what was his last time running the maze?
(Kevin holds up a stop-watch as Paul plays with the hampster.)
Paul? (Gestures.)
Do you think his experiment is safe?
Sure it is! Mr. Cantwell wouldn't let us do a project that was dangerous.
No, I mean for Wheezer and Puffy.
They'll be fine! They are kinda cute, though, aren't they?
He likes it when you scratch him behind his ears.
(Kevin pets the hampster.)
Hi! Hi, there! Hi! You're cute, aren't you? Yes, you are.
Uh...
Alright, now, uh...let's look at the data.
Right - data.
Alright, now, next we have to measure the test subjects response, to a highly sugared substance. Where's the rootbeer?
Oh, it's in the...
(Paul looks toward the door, and pauses.)
Kitchen.
(Paul sighs. Kevin stands up.)
Hey! We can't go back in there! Wayne said if we were in -
Hey! This is my house, too! He can't control our lives!
*
(Kevin returns with rootbeer.)
He's starting to turn orange!
No - that's from the Cheese-Doodles. See? It brushes off.
Oh...
(Kevin puts some rootbeer into a small feeding bottle.)
OK...
OK...
(A hampster sucks from the tube.)
OK - now let's check his heart-rate.
(Kevin reaches into he cage.)
No, no, no - not yet.
Hey, why not?
He doesn't like it when you handle him right after he's eaten. I think it gives him a tummy ache.
Paul was starting to lose any semblance of objectivity about this project. I realized a better put my foot down before it got out of hand.
Maybe you're right. Let's give him five minutes to digest.
OK - so I have a very light foot. What could five minutes hurt? I didn't want to make the little guy sick.
*
(Wayne again pleads with Angela to come over. After waiting over an hour, she does not show up.)
*
He doesn't look too good.
His times are much slower.
No, Wheezer - not that way!
You can't interfere, Paul.
Dead end! Dead end!
You can't help him, Paul! (Gestures.)
He's confused! I'm telling you - the diet is getting to him!
That's the purpose of the experiment!
We're playing God here!
(Paul picks up the hampster.)
Paul! (Frowns.)
We have no right.
Paul...
It's unnatural!
Paul! It's not like it's poison - millions of people eat this food everyday! (Gestures.)
Well, who's fault is that?! (Frowns.)
Look. This'll be his last run through the maze, then we can put him in -
He needs a drink of water!
We're supposed to be giving him rootbeer.
He needs a drink of water!
I could see that Paul was past reasoning with.
OK - I'll get him some water.
And some Alka-Seltzer.
*
(Wayne was on the phone to Angela, so Kevin returned without the water.)
W-Where's the water?
Forget it.
But he needs a glass of water!
Paul! Let's just finish the experiment. (Gestures.)
(Wayne pushes the door open with his foot, holding a vacuum-cleaner, and wearing a kid's plastic fireman's hat. Wheezer runs out of Paul's hand and under the bed.)
Hampster patrol!
Stay outta here, Wayne!
Stay outta out of here, Wayne!"
(Wayne turns on the vacuum, and points with the hose.)
Your mother told you to be sure to clean up after those little devils...(Smiles and laughs.)
(Kevin rises to intercept Wayne, and jumps on him.)
Wayne, gimme that! Wayne! Get out of here!
Work, work, work. It's all I ever do around here.
Get out of here!
Just tryin' to help...
You're gonna hurt them!
Would I do somethin' like that? I'm just tryin' to...
(The hose slides under the bed, and thhe vacuum sound changes.)
No! Wheezer!

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(Ep 15 - "Loosiers")

It's hard to imagine being twelve years old...and going without certain things.
Like three months off in the summertime. Or a good bicycle to cruise the neighborhood on.
More than anything though, it's hard to imagine being twelve years old...and not having a best-friend like Paul Pfeiffer.
Paul was the nicest kid I ever knew. He would have done anything for me - I know it.
And I would have done anything for him. At least, I always thought I would.
(Fade to Kevin and Paul looking at baseball cards.)
How many homeruns did the Yaz hit in 'sixty-four?
(Paul looks down and rubs his forehead.)
Oh, ummmmmm...fifteen.
Career batting average?
That would be...three-oh...no, wait - two-ninety-eight.
Hobbies?
Kayaking...(Frowns.) And...
(Paul rubs his forehead.)
Trout-fishing! (Smiles.)
What could ya say? The kid loved to talk sports.
(Cut to the driveway.)
OK...One more game. Check.
The kid loved to play sports.
OK - now you're a dead man.
(Kevin bounces the ball to Paul. Paul dribbles and Kevin guards him.)
There's nothing stopping this kid! He's like a machine out there!
More than anything, though...the kid loved to talk while playing sports.
He dribbles right...he dribbles left...he's looking for his sweet-spot...he stops...
(Paul shoots.)
He pops. Ooh, just off the rim. But he gets his own rebound - unbelievable!
The fact that Paul sank maybe two buckets per season...really didn't matter that much.
And Pfeiffer's deliberately working with the ball now. Ever the faking player.
The title-winning shot was always right around the corner.
And the pressure's on...he looks for his sweet-spot...here comes his super-supreme fade-away hookshot!
No, Paul! Don't!
(The ball sails over the roof.)
*
(Locker room. Paul is sitting on the bench, buttoning his shirt as Kevin approaches.)
Hey, Paul. Sure beats cross-country, huh?
You didn't even pass it to me.
Well, you weren't open.
Oh, yeah, right. I wasn't even being covered. (Frowns.) I'm not that bad, am I?
Ouch. The question you hoped they'd never ask.
No, you're not...(shrugs)...that bad.
You think I stink, don't you?
Paul, I didn't say that. I think you're...(shrugs)...good.
No you don't.
Yes, I do.
Shut up...
Look, Paul...I think you're good - how many times do you want me to say it?! You're good, you're good, you're good!
(Paul gather his books quickly.)
Just forget it, alright?!
(Paul hurries past Kevin and exits.)
*
(Kevin and Paul are playing the card game "War".)
(K & P): One, two, three...war!
Oh, man - matching aces!
Yeah, Kevin - I got eyes. (Frowns.)
Before long, the situation at school began to affect our home-life.
(K & P): One, two, three - war!
Yes!
In retrospect...I suppose I could have done more to bolster his self-esteem.
Congratulations - I quit. (Frowns.)
Well, what do you want to do now? You wanna go shoot some hoops?
Nah - I don't feel like it.
Why not?
I just don't feel like it.
I'll spot ya ten points...
Oh, don't do me any favors.
Oh, come on, Paul - we haven't played in two weeks.
I said I don't feel like it. And stop bending my cards.
Paul...(Frowns.)
Stop bending my cards!
How do you help a friend without ruining his ego. There are so many things you aren't supposed to say.
Look, Paul...just because you aren't any good in gym doesn't mean we should stop playing.
Like that, for example.
(Paul stands up, takes the cards from Kevin, and walks toward the door.)
Paul, where are you going?
Home!
I thought you didn't have to be home -
(Paul exits, pulling the door closed behind him.)
*
(In gym, Mr. Cutlip has made Kevin a captain.)
As if it wasn't bad enough watching the other kids pick Paul last...now...I was gonna have to do it, myself.
I'll take...Pfeiffer!
Like a flash, it hit me. I'd buck the system. Stand up for the little guy. Win back the best friend I ever had.
(Paul walks forward and the class laughs.)
Or, say...
Thanks, Kevin - thanks a lot!
Completely humiliate the best friend I'd ever had.
*
Unfortunately, we were not only very unathletic, we were also...very stupid. And we had a very bad attitude.
What are you doing?! (Frowns.)
I'm playing basketball. Maybe you've heard of it?
You're not even trying!
So what? Just leave me alone. (Frowns.)
No, I won't! That play was pathetic!
Who cares...(Frowns.)
Look - I know you're not this bad.
Well, maybe I am.
Well maybe if you got off your butt a little bit, you might be doin' better!
(Paul glancing around as kids laugh.)
Gimme the ball.
Nope. Forget it.
(Kevin holds the ball up, slightly behind him.)
Not if you're not gonna try.
I said - give me the ball.
(Kevin looks at Paul a moment, then tosses the ball to him. Paul turns and starts to dribble.)
And then it happened. It was the miracle. It was the impossible. It was the dream come true.
(Paul shoots a hook-shot, which hits Mr. Cutlip on the head.)
In that instant - that brief ping of rubber against steel - basketball...became fun again.
(They play again.)
Well, we still got slaughtered. But for the first time in a long time, it just didn't seem to matter. And Paul and I got back to the way things used to be.
(Cut to the driveway. Kevin and Paul are playing basketball as Paul narrates his action. Fade to sunset, as two adults play basketball in silhouette.)
The way they would stay...for many years to come.
(One player shoots a hook-shot, which sails over the backboard.)

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(Ep 16 - "Walk Out")

(Kevin has been elected home room representative to the student council.)
Well...some men pursue greatness...and some men have greatness thrust upon them, while they're in the bathroom.
(Kevin sees Paul as the meeting is about to start.)
Paul!
Kevin - what are you doing here?
(Kevin rolls his eyes.)
They made me home room representative...(nods)...Can ya believe it?
Yeah...(smiles)...me too. (Nods.)
How'd you get stuck with it?
I dunno. It was either the balloons...
(He nods and holds up a pencil.)
Or the pencils. (Smiles.)
*
(At the end of the meeting, the student council president looks at everyone.)
Don't forget...(gestures)...to sign up for a committee. This meeting is adjourned.
(He bangs his gavel. Kevin looks at Paul.)
We have to join a committee? (Gestures.)
Yeah, come on! (Gestures.)
(Paul itemizes on his fingers.)
There's school spirit, social, ice-cream, jukebox, or walk out. So...(gestures)...what do you say - jukebox?
No, the line's too long for jukebox. (Frowns.)
Well, I'd say social...but Nancy Cardian's the chairman for that, and Mrs. Gambino's the advisor. And I can't stand either one of those, so...I don't know - maybe ice-cream...
Well, which one is Mr. Tyler advisor for?
I don't know. Looks like he's doing walk out.
Let's do walk out. (Shrugs.)
*
(Later at the walk out meeting, Mr. Tyler looks around the group.)
Well, I mean, what is the point of this walk out? How is standing around in a football field...going to end the war? Who's gonna know the difference? Kevin? (Smiles.)
I-I don't know, unless...
(Kevin looks off, then gets a bright idea.)
Unless we can get on TV, or something. Or, or in the papers!
Yeah, wait, wait! That's good, that's good! We could use - we could use the media.
We could...we could write a letter to Channel 5, and we could tell them -
We could get other schools to do it too - like Madison and Whitman...
Yeah! I mean, it'll be like this whole big thing...(gestures)...where all the kids from all the schools -
(Mr. Diperna enters.)
Ahem. Mr Tyler. Could I speak to you for a moment? (Nods.)
*
(Mr. Diperna warns the students not to do the walk out. After he leaves, they decide to go ahead.)
What's our strategy?
Well, few people are aware of this, but I happen to know for a fact that Paul Pfeiffer here is a great political strategist.
I am?
Come on, Paul - you're among friends. You don't have to keep up the cover. Let's show 'em how tha mind works.
OK, I think I got it. How about...if we start a petition-drive?
A petition-drive?
Well, yeah! You know...if we could collect enough signatures, then we could force Diperna to take us seriously! (Smiles.)
(Mr. Tyler frowns and shakes his head slowly. Paul looks down.)
OK. Maybe it's a dumb idea...
It's brilliant. (Smiles.)
*
(Later, they present the petition to Mr. Diperna, who reads them "the law of the land", and threatening suspension. Now, they are in another meeting.)
Well it was a bit of a set-back. But we were getting used to locking horns with authority figures. We reacted pretty maturely.
It's not fair!
Diperna's a jerk.
We whined.
He can't get away with this.
What about our rights? What about the petition? Over four-hundred signatures!
What's the use of having a student government, if you can't take any action? I mean, what is he - king?
And it's a free country! He can't stop us, can he, Mr. Tyler?
(Mr. Tyler rubs his chin and looks at Kevin.)
Boy - he was really goin' after the old chin. I was afraid he was gonna rub it right off.
No, he can't stop ya. You can do whatever you want to do. But...you should give your actions serious consideration, because they may have serious consequences.

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(Ep 17 - "Nemesis")

(Kevin meets Becky in the hallway.)
Oh, you know, Winnie wanted me to say hi to you if I saw you. She's still sick, you know.
Oh, I know. (Frowns.) The poor thing. I'm gonna stop by and visit her on my way home from school today.
Great! That's really great! Maybe I'll see you there. (Smiles.)
Maybe. (Smiles.)
See ya!
See ya!
What a girl! I'd completely misjudged her, she wasn't holding a grudge against me, she was my friend. I had so many friends.
(Paul, Carla, and Kirk frown at Kevin.)
Sea monkey?! You think I dance like a sea monkey?!
Uh-oh.
What is that supposed to mean, I dance like a sea monkey?!
Paul, I didn't call you a sea mon - well, OK, fine, I called you a sea monkey, but I -
Funny, Kevin. You're a real laugh riot!
Carla, you know how sometimes you say silly things that you don't really mean -
Like some people look like they're dancing in Jell-O?!
Yeah, that would be one. Kirk-bo -
What's your point, Arnold?! You think I'm stuck up?!
No, I mean, I -
Let's just get out of here, you guys! We don't need to hang around somebody like this. (Frowns.)
Yeah! (Frowns.)
Yeah! (Frowns.)
(Paul, Carla, and Kirk walk away.)
Aw, come on, you guys! You guys!
*
This was weird. Becky had told Winnie everything I'd said about everybody except her. But I wasn't gonna spend my teen years waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was gonna have it out with her. Nothing was gonna get in my way. Nothing.
(Kevin stops and sees Paul.)
Certainly not my best friend in the whole world whom I'd ridiculed and treated shabbily, who was sulking around my locker trying his hardest not to look like he was giving me the chance to make it up to him.
Paul?
I don't wanna talk to you!
(He slams his locker, and turns his back on Kevin.)
Paul, look...
(Kevin walks over to Paul, who turns back around to face him.)
I know I hurt your feelings and I'm really, really sorry. And I'm gonna make it up to you really, really soon.
I said I don't want to talk to you!
(He turns his back on Kevin again. Kevin walks away while Paul's back is turned, and disappears around a corner.)
Anyone that could be so mean that -
(He turns around again, and looks after Kevin.)
Hey, where are you going?!
(Kevin stops and comes back around the corner.)
Oh, I'm gonna be right back, and then you can be as mean to me as you want.
(Kevin walks around the corner again.)
Hey, wait a minute! Fine, go!
(Kevin returns.)
Alright. Come on. Come on! Slam me.
Just forget it.
No, come on, lay into me.
No!
Paul, I was mean to you, now you be mean to me. Imitate me. Make fun of me.
Who wants to imitate you? (Frowns.)
Alright, fine, I'll imitate myself. Here.
(He clears his throat, then pauses, and appears puzzled.)
Well?
Well, it's hard. Can't really think of anything I do stupid.
Oh, yeah, right! Try the way you look - the way you talk - the way you walk!
Huh?
You have those stupid chipmunk cheeks! And your hair? You look like you're wearing a cat on your head!
See? That wasn't so hard.
And let's face it, you're not exactly Mister Coordination! You couldn't catch a football if your life depended on it!
Mm-hm, great. (Nods.)
And that stupid jacket! You've never been to a Jets game in your life!
(Kevin is starting to get upset.)
Uh-huh.
I hate the way you sing!
Alright, Paul...
Let me tell you, your breath is not -
Alright, Paul! So are we still friends?
Well, why would I wanna be friends with a guy who wears a cat on his head?
(Kevin hears a locker slam, and looks up to see Becky walking down the hall.)
I gotta go.
(He runs after Becky.)
Hey, wait! We haven't even scratched the surface yet! We could spend the rest of the day on your chin!

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04/08/05 19:50