Ricky Halsenbach



(Ep 74 - "Full Moon Rising")

Fact was, we all knew the bottom-line. To be truly free and functioning high-school men, what we needed...was a car.
(In Kevin's bedroom with Ricky, Purdle and Randy, Kevin is reading questions from the DMV booklet to Ricky.)
OK, you're coming up to a four-way stop.
What we had...was Ricky Halsenbach - the first kid in our class to turn sixteen.
Four-way stop...(gestures)...I'm there.
All cars...arrive at the same time.
Same time...I'm there.
Now...which car...has the right-of-way?
(Jeopardy "Think Music" plays as Ricky thinks.)
(Smiles.) Hnnhh - I don't know.
The car on your right!
By quirk of fate, and the fact that he'd repeated third-grade twice, our ticket to ride...was riding on his ill-equipped shoulders.
We knew you could do it, Ricky.
I can't do it! I just got too much stuff going on in my head. (Gestures.)
Interesting theory...
Look. Ricky, if you get your license, you won't ever have to beg for a ride again.
We'll be the coolest guys in tenth-grade!
Yeah, the chicks will be climbing all over us!
(Smile.) Ask me another one!
OK. You're going forty miles an hour - how many car-lengths should you allow between you, and the car in front of you?
Whoa, hnnn...that's a good question. (Smiles.)
(Sound of penalty buzzer.)
It was almost too much to bear.
(Cut to Ricky at his driver's license test. He is running over cones.)
Here we were, poised to leap into the stratosphere of manhood...
Sorry...
And we couldn't even get out of the parking lot.
Uh. S-Sorry...
(Kevin, Randy and Purdle are watching from the building.)
Is this as bad as it looks?
Well, I think he's killed every one of those orange cones.
Well, he's still got a chance. I got him at about an eighty-one.
(Ricky runs over a row of cones.)
Sorry!
Alright, Mr. Halsenbach.
Ah...you can call me Ricky.
Just give me a three-point turn, and we're done.
(Ricky grinds the transmission.)
This much seemed clear. When it came to hitching our wagon to a star...
(Ricky hits more cones.)
We'd picked the wrong wagon.
Uh, uh, sorry.
Man! This is an embarrassment!
Unbelievable!
We stood there, knowing it was a lost cause, but clinging desperately to some hope for a miracle.
(Ricky parks the car. He and the instructor get out.)
There you are, Mr. Halsenbach.
And then...the miracle occurred.
(Ricky points at his score and celebrates. Kevin, Randy and Purdle celebrate.)
Call it chance, call it error. The State had entrusted Ricky Holsenback with a two-ton lethal weapon on an open highway. And we...were on our way.
(Cut to on the bus.)
Did you see my three-point turn?
Yeah, they're still talking about it!
Sure, maybe we were still sardines, but at least we knew we were about to bust out of our can.
Looks like...we're cruisin' for chicks.
We can go anywhere we want!
Yeah! And everybody is gonna see us!
Especially the chicks.
And there you had it. Rising up before us was the dawn of a new era. An era of freedom. An era of adventure. An era of fun.
And my mom said I can have the car Friday night!
An era of bad timing.
Friday night? This Friday night?
What's wrong?
I told ya - I got a date!
*
Sure, maybe the wheels belonged to Ricky's mother...but the night...belonged to us. The possibilities seemed endless.
(Ricky is driving the guys around, and slowly pulls to the curb. The car is smoking from the rear wheels.)
What's that smell?
As soon as Ricky released the parking brake.
So, uh, where we goin'?
What do you mean, "where are we goin'"?
Well, what? Does it matter?
Well, we oughtta go somewhere...(Gestures.)
Why?
Hey! How about a movie?
Come on - that is definitely uncool.
It is?
Nobody's gonna see us at a movie.
Look, Ricky, the whole point of driving around is...driving around.
I know...Hey! But have you guys seen "Willard"? I don't know how they get those rats to do those things!
It was our first crisis. We were momentarily floundering...like baby eagles freshly sprung from the nest. What we needed here was a sign. Inspiration...direction.
(A Mustang Mach 1 fastback pulls up next to them.)
Whoa! Nice wheels!
Hey...!
Hey! (Smiles.)
What we got was...
Moon patrol! (They laugh.)
Pressed hams.
(Sound of a wolf howling. Fade to Ricky's car approaching an intersection.)
That night, as we drove around...
(Ricky slows to a stop.)
We began to understand the awesome responsibility of having a car.
(All) Chinese fire-drill!
(The guys get out, run around the car a couple times, as the driver behind them honks. The guys pile back in.)
We were exploring the uncharted regions of our new frontier...
(The car goes through the tunnel. Kevin presses the horn.)
And laying on the horn, alot. Still...we knew we preparing ourselves for something much, much, more meaningful.
Come on, guys. Let's pick up some chicks!
Yeah, chicks!
Women!
The reason God had invented cars.
So, where are they?
They're everywhere.
Just waiting to jump on us...grab us...smother us...
It was an awesome thought.
So, where are they?
Hmmm. Good question.
(Cut to Zesty's Restaurant.)
Fortunately, there was an answer - Zesty's - the place to go for burgers, fries, and...
Whoa! Check out the hooters!
Man, can't take you anywhere...
Still, the fact remained, if it was girls we were looking for...
OK, we found 'em!
Now what do we do?
Hmmm. Good question.
*
(Kevin orders food, meets his non-date, Cindy, and is trying to weasel away from her.)
Seeya later.
The thing to do was amskray before she discovered who my cousins -
Hey, hey, hey! Ba-by...!
Really were.
Hey, Kevin? Who's the fox? Owwwwww!
Introduce us, man!
Yeah. Come right over here - we got room!
She didn't actually say anything - her face did all the talking.
Looking good!
It said my rain-check had been revoked - permanently.
Have you seen "Willard"?
*
(The guys are driving around. Purdle and Randy are arguing.)
You guys just can it for awhile!
What's eating you?
Nothing! I just can't believe I broke a date for this, that's all.
Surely these guys could understand that. After all...they were reasonably intelligent human beings.
You guys ever wonder how onion rings got their name?
On the other hand...
No!
I mean I think about that stuff sometimes. And what about hamburgers. I mean, hamburgers don't have ham in them, ya know! What about submarine sandwiches - and eggplant!
Just think about your driving.
Let's face it. On the main-street of life, we'd just about reached a dead-end.
(They pull next to the Mustang at the stop sign.)
And then...
Hey, look! There's those guys!
Uh-oh! I hope they don't moon us again.
(Ricky frowns and shakes his head. He sticks his arm past Kevin and waves his hand.)
Hey! We don't want to see it!
But it seemed there was more at stake here...than just pressed hams.
Hey-hey, what does he want?
He wants to drag.
Drag?
(The Mustang driver revs the motor, and inches up.)
Do it, Ricky.
But my mom said -
Come on, Ricky! Let's just do it!
(Randy's leans out the window.)
You're on!
And that's when it happened. As we sat there, the roar of a hundred-and-eighty-five hordepower engine pulsing beneath our bodies...our basic primal nature began to erupt.
Let's take 'em, Ricky.
I'm there.
We weren't boys anymore. We were outlaws. Rebels. Guys with guts. And we knew what we had to do.
(The Mustang squeals away. Ricky pulls forward about six feet and stops.)
What are you doing?!
There's a stop sign! (Gestures.)
Will you go? We can still take 'em!
Hnhhh, but it's a commercial zone - thirty-five miles per hour. (Points.) Those guys were speeding!
Of course they were speeding! This is a drag-race!
(The camera pans from one car to another at the intersection.)
Fortunately our driver was a law-abiding citizen.
(The camera pans to another car, then up to the stop-sign in front of Ricky's car.)
Four cars...four-way stop...
Will you guys just get real? (Nods.) This race is over!
Yeah, thanks to Halsenbach. I don't even know why the hell we're hanging around with you!
Hey...cuz it's my car.
Yeah! That's the only reason we'd be hangin' out with a bozo like you.
Hey! You're the bozo.
I'm the bozo? You're the bozo...
No, I'm not!
You're all bozos! (To Ricky) You're the biggest bozo of...
(They all continue to argue.)
You can't even drive!
We were reaching critical-mass, here. Our night was wearing thin. So was our vocabulary.
(The guys are still arguing, as they stop at a stop-sign. Sound of a car horn. The Mustang crosses the intersection.)
Wussies!
It was the final straw. If we were going to hold on to our dignity, we had to strike back.
Let's...moon...somebody.
Yeah. Good idea!
Perfect.
Alright! (Nods.)
It was time for us to take our rightful place among men of the road. We were gonna take on the first victim that came our way.
(An approaching car moves over to the open lane. Kevin smiles and looks out the window. He looks surprised.)
Alright! Do it! Do it!
(Jack and Norma are in the other car. Norma is putting on make up. Jack is looking forward, then starts to glance toward Kevin.)
Whoa -
(Kevin ducks down.)
Just one little problem.
(Purdle turns his butt to the window and starts to drop his pants.)
Moon patrol!
(Jack glances toward Purdle. The other guys laugh. Jack looks forward, as Norma looks over her shoulder. Jack glances back and frowns, then drives off.)
Did ya see that guy's face?!
Well, my eyes were looking in a different direction!
Man, it looked like he was having a cow!
And his wife was like "uhhuhhh". (Smiles.)
Will you guys just shut up?!
What's your problem?
For starters, that was my mom and dad.
It was?
Yeah. You guys just mooned my parents. (Frowns.)
You're kidding...
Hey, we all wanted to do it.
Yeah, but it was you who had your butt out hangin' out the window! (Gestures.)
Oh, come on. Like how was I supposed to know?
See - this is great! Just great. You know it's real great hangin' out with a bunch of morons! Do you know where that word comes from, Ricky! This is the stupidest...(gestures)...dumbest night of my life! (Gestures.) I mean, I don't even know why I agreed to come with you in the first place. Can anyone tell me why?!
It was the kind of question...that could only be answered by a Nobel prize-winning philosopher.
I know...
Or a guy like Ricky Halsenbach.
It's because they're round - like rings! And they've got onions in them. That's why the call 'em onion rings!
What?
What?
Looking back...it made about as much sense as anything else that night.
Can we just go home, guys?
Yeah. Let's get out of here.
We were veterans. We'd paid our dues.
(Ricky smiles and nods as he tries to start the car.)
We'd mooned, and been mooned...and now...
Uh-oh.
What's the matter?
We're out of gas.
(Cut to the guys pushing the car.)
Can you guys believe tonight?
The worst.
Yeah, no kidding.
We didn't really accomplish anything that night. Nothing of any real importance, anyway. But through the high school years that lay ahead...there would be a thousand other nights, just like that one. Stupid, ridiculous...and glorious.
Hey! I can get the car again, next Friday...
I'm in.
Me, too.
Wouldn't miss it.

Also see "Full Transcript"



(Ep 75 - "Triangle")

(At the dance, Purdle and Ricky and their "dates" approach Kevin.)
Hey. Kevin, how ya doin'?
OK. (Smiles.)
(The girls look at each other.)
Let's go.
Uh-huh. (Nods.)
(The girls exit.)
Your dates are cool. (Smiles.)
Oh, thanks...I hope they come back...(Smiles.)



Also see "Full Transcript"



(Ep 78 - "Christmas Party")

(Jack insists Kevin attend the family Christmas party. They are hanging up lights.)
At least I could take solice in the firm knowledge no one else I knew had any great plans for the holidays.
(Cut to lockers with Randy and Ricky.)
Skiing! You're going skiing?!
Yeah. My parents are takin' me. It's gonna be great!
I don't believe this!
(Kevin looks at Ricky.)
What about you? You want to do somethin' over the holidays?
Oh, I can't. Going to Montana. Getting my sister out of the commune! (Smiles.)

Also see "Full Transcript"



(Ep 82 - "Kodachrome")

(Miss Shaw's class is on the grass, discussing "The Catcher In The Rye".)
Why do you think Holden ended up in a mental hospital?
Obviously, Holden Caulfield has a problem perceiving reality as it is.
Well, cuz he's nuts! (Frowns.)
He's not nuts! (Gestures.) He just couldn't put up with the system.
*
(Still on the grass.)
Any other questions? Comments? Yes, Felicia?
Are you gonna tell us our mid-term grades...before you record them?
I wouldn't worry about grades, if I were you, Felicia. I only give two. "Pass" and "no pass".
Again, please?
I said "pass", and "no pass".
"Pass"...and "no pass". It was...amazing. A ground-breaking concept. And we reacted as any tenth-grade class would.
But my dad gives me a buck for every "A". (Frowns.)
But what will happen to my grade-point average?
You mean I'm not gonna get an "F"? (Smiles.)
With total confusion.
*
(In the classroom.)
I'd like to tell you about a very interesting conversation I had with Dr. Valenti, this morning. Or rather, one he had with me. I was informed that I had broken several important regulations. Now, according to policy...it is required each of you receive a traditional grade. So, therefore, I have decided all of you will be getting...traditional grades.
(The students groan. Ricky taps Kevin on the elbow.)
Bummer. There goes my "P".

Also see "Full Transcript"



(Ep 84 - "Of Mastodons and Men")

(In the hallway with Chuck and Paul.)
Listen you guys want to, uh...(demonstrates)...shoot some hoops after school?
Oh, yeah - count me in!
Got it!
Hey, Kev? You playin'?
Sure! Course!
The tribe. That year we were inseparable. We'd faced all the challenges.
Kev-in!
All but one, anyway.
(A girl smiles at Kevin.)
Women.
Uh, look - guys? I gotta take a rain-check, OK?

*
(In the restroom, Kevin is begging off another game.)
I thought you were gonna be playing ball with us this afternoon!
I just made these kinda...plans. (Gestures.)
What plans? (Gestures.)
Nothing. I was...just gonna go over...
(Chuck puts his hands behind his head and swivels his hips.)
Ju-lie's house...
Well, we were gonna play three-on-three!
OK! (Nods.) No problem. I'll be there.

*
(Another day in class.)
So! We gonna play some football this afternoon?
Yeah, I'll be there.
Yeah - me too.
By the next day...one thing was clear.
Hey, guys - what time are you playing?
(Chuck looks toward the ceiling, feigning surprise.)
Did you guys hear something?
Not me!
In my tribe...my name was mud. Still, I had one skill...
(Cut to the hallway.)
Primitive man did not.
Come on, guys!
I could whine.
What?!
I wanna play!
Look, Kev? You bailed on us yesterday.
And you didn't even tell us.

Also see "Full Transcript"



(Ep 85 - "Double Double Date")

(In the library, Kevin, Paul and Ricky are admiring the Swedish exchange student, Inga, from a distance.)
Can you believe we sent Marvin Grotsky to Venezuela and got her back?
Unbelievable.
It was the greatest trade in the history of the United States.
Man, if I didn't already have a date, I'd ask her to the spring formal.
(Kevin and Paul look at each other.)
Hey, it was just a thought!
Who're you taking, anyway?
Ramona Storkman. (Smiles.)
Really?
That's great, Ricky.
Still, even Ramona Storkman was better than nothing.

Also see "Full Transcript"



(Ep 87 - "Lunch Stories")

(Kevin and Chuck sit with Ricky in the cafeteria.)
Hey, guys.
That was the thing about lunch...you always sat with the same people because...well...you always sat with the same people.
(Chuck holds up some food. Ricky looks toward Chuck's tray, then turns toward Chuck.)
Hey - I get the pickle.
(Chuck holds the food away from Ricky.)
Uh.
Please. (Frowns.)
(Chuck gives the pickle to Ricky, who nods. Paul approaches, wearing a blue jacket and white pants.)
Hey, guys!
(Paul sets a light tan bag over the chair back, looks at the guys who are looking at him, and pauses.)
What?
Nice tie. (Nods.)
What...your mom dress you again? (Smiles.)
Oh, very funny. Look, I-I got a debate tournament this afternoon...(shrugs)...I gotta look nice.
Now, of course, Paul was the brain of our group. So we treated him with the respect he deserved.
Well, sit down...before somebody sees you! (Laughs.)
Oh, remind me to laugh. (Frowns.)
(Paul sits down. Ricky looks at him.)
Hey, are you gonna have those mashed potatoes?
Ricky, I just got here.
(Alice approaches.)
Ricky! Ricky! Did you do your report for *Calvin's" class?
Uh, report...(frowns)...what report?
The report! The one that's due today! A thousand words on the day in the life of a citizen of ancient Rome - and if I don't get it done, I'm gonna fail. I'm gonna look like an idiot! (Frowns.)
Are you sure it's due today? (Frowns.)
Fourteen people told me it was.
Well, well, how come we didn't know about it? (Frowns.)
I have to go. (Gestures.) I have to find a pencil.
(She turns and collects her things from her table. Ricky looks forward as she exits.)
Oh, my God!
Ricky! Calm down.
A thousand words...what am I gonna do?
(Ricky opens a book nervously.)
I-I...I don't know...
(He leafs through the book quickly.)
It was inevitable. Every day, somewhere between fish sticks and Jell-O...Ricky Halsenbach would have at least one academic crisis.
(Ricky takes a pen from Chuck.)
OK, OK - I can do this.
(He begins to write.)
A day...in the life...of...ancient Rome. By...Ricky...Halsenbach.
(Ricky moves his pen quickly across each word.)
One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten...
(Ricky writes again.)
Ricky...
(The guys nod and mouth simutaneously with Ricky.)
David Halsenbach.
*
(Kevin returns from the vending machine.)
Meanwhile, back at the zoo...
OK.
(Ricky reads his paper.)
An ancient Roman...lived in a Roman house...with a Roman wife and spoke Roman to a lot of Roman people.
(Ricky looks up.)
What do you think so far?
Don't change a word.
Have you noticed Sheila's skin? It's not like regular skin. It's like that thin paper that we use in typing class.
(Paul slaps something on the table and looks at Chuck.)
Sheila, Sheila - why don't you just go talk to her?
I can't...
Why not?
She's eating. (Frowns.)
It's a cafeteria, Chuck. (Frowns.)
Paul, you can't ask a girl out when she's eating! (Frowns.) It's like a landmine. What happens if she smiles, and she has all these particles of tuna on her teeth? She'd be humiliated. You can't recover from something like that.
Chuck, will ya stop acting like such a geek? (Frowns.)
Well, what do you mean?
If you want to ask her out...(gestures)...ask her out. (Frowns.)
And, from small ideas do great decisions grow.
You're right, Kevin.
(Chuck stands up and smoothes his shirt inside his pants.)
So began that long march. That test of fortitude and manhood.
(Chuck walks forward stiffly, then bends down out of the shot.)
What's he doing?
He's tying his shoes. (Frowns.)
(Ricky puts his hand on his face in disbelief.)
But he's got loafers on. (Frowns.)
(Chuck stands up.)
OK - here we go.
(Chuck walks forward, pauses, then smoothes the back of his shirt inside his pants.)
Now, what?
He's tucking in his shirt.
(Ricky half stands and gestures.)
It's tucked, ya doofus!
(Chuck pauses, looks off, and waves.)
Who's he waving at?
(Chuck continues forward.)
OK - he's gonna do it now.
(Chuck turns around with a worried look on his face and approaches, twitching nervously.)
He's running away.
What's the matter with him?
He did better than I thought he would...(Gestures.)
(Chuck approaches and reaches for his chair.)
What happened? (Gestures.)
You were right there!
*
(Later.)
Hey - do any of you guys know how to spell "org-y"?
It's "orgy", Ricky. "O", "R", "G", Y".
*
(Later.)
There! I did it. I finished it!
(Ricky looks up and smiles at Kevin as he gathers his papers.)
A thousand words?
(Ricky looks at his paper.)
Yeah! Ya know, it's pretty good. I think I might actually get a "C" on this. (Smiles.)
(Ricky stands up as Alice hurriedly approaches.)
Ricky, Ricky - did you finish your report?!
Yeah - I just got it done. (Smiles.)
You did? (Frowns.) It's not fair! (Sighs.) I couldn't do mine - I drew a blank.
I'm sorry, Alice.
I'm gonna get an "F" - my parents are gonna kill me! I'm not gonna get into fashion school! (Frowns.)
But most of all...there was still time for heroes to emerge. Heroes as noble and virtuous...
(Ricky frowns as he thumbs through his paper, then looks at Alice.)
As the Roman gods. Or, as simple as...
Here, Alice. Take mine. (Smiles.) I don't need to go to fashion school.
Ricky Halsenbach.
You'd do that for me?
(Ricky looks down and smiles as he sighs slightly, then looks at Alice.)
I want to.

Also see "Full Transcript"



(Ep 88 - "Carnal Knowledge")

(In the cafeteria, Chuck slaps a folded newspaper onto the table. Most of the page is an image of Ann-Margaret, under the title "Carnal Knowledge".)
Here it is, guys. Our invitation...to paradise.
(Ricky looks at the paper.)
What? (Frowns.)"Bedknobs and Broomsticks"? (Gestures.)
Look again, doofus. "Carnal...knowledge". (Nods.)
In adolescent terms...it meant one thing. A three-letter word, starting with "S", ending with "X"...and sandwiched in the middle...
Ann-Margaret. (Smiles.)
You got it.
Lemme see that.
(Kevin picks up the paper and looks at it.)
Not that I was some kind of fiend, ya understand. I was just...sixteen.
So, when do we go? (Smiles.)
How about Friday night? (Nods.)
I'm there!
Count me in!
(Paul approaches and sits next to Kevin.)
After all, it was a major cinematic event.
(Paul looks at the paper.)
Something no red-blooded male could turn down.
Forget it - you can't see this. (Frowns.)
What?!
You heard me. Says right here - ya gotta be seventeen.
That was Paul for ya. Grandma in size twelve desert boots.
So? We've all got fake ID's, right? (Smiles.)
Right! (Smiles.)
Besides, Paul...I think you're missin' the point.
Yeah - lemme lay this out for you. In this movie, they...do...everything.
Everything?
Everything. (Nods.)
Like what? (Frowns.)
(Ricky looks down and frowns.)
Now, keep in mind, this was nineteen-seventy-two.
Well, uh...
Lust and ignorance went hand-in-hand.
Well, if you don't know, we're not gonna tell you.
*
(Kevin, Chuck and Ricky park across the street from the Culver theater. The marquee reads "Now playing...Carnal Knowledge...Rated R")
Well...(points)...this is it. (Smiles.)
Yeah...(Smiles.)
And so, we'd arrived. Minus one best-friend, maybe...but ready for anything.
Wow...
There it was. Beneath that marquee lay forbidden experience. Mysteries unveiled. Mysteries like...
So, who's gonna buy the tickets?
What do ya mean "who's gonna buy the tickets"? I thought you we're gonna buy the tickets. (Frowns.)
What? (Frowns.) Why me?
Cause you're the one with the fake ID.
Me? I don't have a fake ID. I thought you had a fake ID.
What?!
You told me you had a fake ID. Hey, Kev? You have a fake ID?
I don't believe this. (Frowns.)
It was incredible. Here we were...fifty feet from the consciousness-raising experience of our lives...and we'd been shut down for lack of a petty forgery.
So what are we gonna do?
Hmmmm...
(Cut to inside the theater. Shot of the exit door curtain.)
Chuck! What are ya doin'?
(Kevin spreads the curtain slowly and enters, followed by Chuck and Ricky.)
OK - we were breaking and entering. Maybe it was wrong, but these things happen when you're keeping an appointment with...
(The guys take seats behind a woman.)
ANN-MARGARET: My God - you're hot.
Destiny.
There she is...
Shhhh!
It was...awe-inspiring. We sat there, three under-age pilgrims at the Mecca of forbidden fruit. Just us...Ann-Margaret...and, of course...
(A light shines on the side of Kevin's face. Kevin turns toward it.)
One angry usher.
*
(In the cafeteria, after Paul asks Kevin not to talk about Paul's casual sexual encounter from the previous night. Ricky is tipping a straw full of milk upside down into his mouth.)
I was leading a pretty exciting life of my own.
Ricky! (Frowns.) Do ya have to do that?
What?
Dump the...(gestures)...milk in your mouth like that.
(Ricky turns the straw upside down into his mouth, then looks at Kevin.)
Can't ya just drink it? Like a person?
Sorry. (Nods.)
(Ricky sets his milk down.)
The thing is, suddenly my friends all seemed like...
(Chuck sits next to Ricky.)
Children.
OK, gents. (Smiles.) We are in!
In where? (Frowns.)
You know...the movie! My brother said he'd buy us the tickets if we pay his way in!
Cool!
Great. (Smirks.)
What's the matter with him?
Nothing. (Frowns.) It's just you guys should hear yourselves. (Frowns.) "We're in"...(gestures)..."cool"... I mean you guys are sixteen years old, sneaking into a movie theater. Doesn't that tell you anything? (Frowns.)
(Chuck shakes his head slightly. Ricky frowns and rubs his chin.)
Apparently it didn't.
Look. Has it even occured to you...(frowns)...that people here - people our age...are doing exactly the things that the people in the movies are just pretending to do?
(Ricky looks off and frowns. Chuck chews and twitches.)
OK - so it didn't make real sense. I knew what I meant.
(Ricky looks from Kevin to Chuck and back.)
Unfortunately...
What "people"? (Smiles.)
Oh, no.
(Chuck sucks up some spaghetti and pauses in thought.)
It was amazing. These two dolts, who couldn't grapple with the concept of grilled cheese...had suddenly turned into geniuses.
Hey, Kevin - tell us his initials.
Forget it! (Frowns.)
If we guess...(gestures)...will ya tell us if we're right?
No.
Come on, Kev - we'd tell you...
I told ya - it's no one, OK?
(Paul approaches with his tray and handles his wallet.)
Hey, guys.
And that's when it happened.
(Kevin looks toward Ricky and Chuck, who look toward Paul. Paul looks at Ricky and Chuck and pauses.)
What?
Now, of course, to an impartial jury...I may have been innocent.
It's him!
(Paul closes his wallet slowly. Ricky and Chuck smile at him.)
I don't believe it! (Points.) It's Pfeiffer! Pfeiffer you dog! (Smiles.)
Way to go, Pfeiff! Who's the lucky girl?
(Paul looks slowly toward Kevin, who looks off.)
Still...deep down, I knew...
(Kevin looks at Paul.)
Paul, I didn't...
Thanks a lot, Kev.
I was guilty as hell.

Also see "Full Transcript"



(Ep 89 - "The Lost Weekend")

(In the cafeteria with Paul and Chuck.)
After all, certain rules had been set...and nothing could be said to make me break them.
Look, guys...if Kevin's parents said not to have anyone in the house, then he shouldn't have anyone in the house. Period.
Nothing...except that.
I didn't say that, Paul. (Frowns.)
Great! (Gestures.) So are we havin' a party or not?!
Yeah, well...maybe we could do something. Play poker. But just us guys.
Yeah, alright! (Smiles.)
*
(At the poker game.)
Ricky, come on, will ya? (Gestures.)
Don't rush me...(gestures)...I'm thinking. (Frowns.) I fold.
(Randy looks at Ricky.)
After all that, you fold?
I wasn't sure.
*
(Later in the game.)
Man, this is the worst party I've ever been to...
You said it.
The thing was...they were right. We had hit rock-bottom.
*
(The guys start to phone some girls.)
From now on, just one per guy, OK? (Nods.)
And, from such tiny concessions...
My turn.
Do full-scale catastrophies grow.
(Cut to the front door as Kevin opens it and sees Alice.)
Hi, Kevin! (Smiles.)
Oh, hi, Alice! (Smiles.)
Not that it started out so badly.
(More people make their way up the walkway.)
Hey, this is it! Are we here?
Alright!
Who are they?
This is my brother, Charlie, his friend, Eddy, Eddy's cousin Deborah and her best friend Carolyn - I needed a ride. (Frowns.) Is that OK with you?
Well...(Frowns.)
Hey, yeah. The more the merrier. (Gestures.) Come on in!

Also see "Full Transcript"



(Ep 93 - "Broken Hearts and Burgers")

(Winnie is sitting apart from Kevin at a restaurant after getting jealous. He is joined by Randy, Chuck, Paul and Ricky.)
Adolescence. The age of maturity, confidence, boundless self-assurance. And let's not forget...unutterable misery. Fortunately, in times of crisis, every teenager has a secret weapon. His friends.
So, uh...what happened?
What?
Winnie! What did you do? (Nods.)
That's just it. I didn't really do anything. (Shrugs.) I just ordered some food.
(They look at the girl behind the counter. She smiles at Kevin, slightly embarrassed.)
(All): Right!
Man, you blew it!
Thanks, Paul.
Hey, come on. Take it easy on the guy. I mean, his best girl just walked out on him.
Yeah, that's right. (Nods.)
Yeah, that's the thing about friends. They're always there. With sympathy...support.
So...she's probably not going to eat that hamburger, right? (Smiles.)

Also see "Full Transcript"



(Ep 94 - "Homecoming")

(Kevin, Paul and Jeff in the hallway as the school mascot approaches.)
That's pathetic. Look at that.
What happened?
They gave him back.
Well, that's good, right?
Well, they kept his armor, man.
Oh...
Oh, fine. Be that way! I'm just saying someone ought to do something about it.
Yeah, know what, he-he's right. We could write a letter.
We should file a complaint.
Yeah, knight-napping.
Or we could steal their owl.
Hmmmm.
Ah, no. Forget it, man. We don't even know where they keep it.
Hey, I know where they keep it. I got a friend who goes to Central.
Bingo.
*
(In front of Central High.)
And so...
(Kevin and Jeff come out the door. Sound of a hooting owl.)
That night, thanks to fate...
(Ricky is watching at from Kevin's car.)
And Ricky Halsenbach...
Guys? Is that you?!
I saw my chance to go to war.
(Kevin and Jeff approach.)
Put this in the back.
(They hand the cage to Ricky, who looks a little scared.)
Holy cow!
Sure, maybe it was crazy.
Forget it. I'll do it myself.
(Kevin hurries toward the back of the car with the cage.)
But in some way...it was absolutely necessary.

Also see "Full Transcript"



(Ep 97 - "Sex and Economics")

(At the gas-station, Kevin hands the attendant some money.)
You're forty-nine cents short.
Uh...one second.
(Kevin turns to Ricky and Randy.)
Any of you guys got fifty cents?
Not me. (Frowns.)
Sorry, man. I'm tapped.
Wait a minute. Between the two of you, you can't come up with a lousy half-buck?
Hey, I paid last week.
*
After all, if there was one thing I didn't need, it was my family bringing me down.
Are you out of you're mind?
I had my friends to do that.
Paint a house? A whole house?
That sounds like work! (Frowns.)
I thought you guys needed the money.
(Randy and Ricky look at each other and nod in agreement.)
How much you payin'?
Let's see, here...five-hundred divided by three, comes to...
Twenty bucks a man?
(Randy and Ricky look at each other and start laughing, then walk away.)

Also see "Full Transcript"



(Ep 109 - "Nose")

(Shot of a guy looking at himself in the mirror, then a girl looking at herself in the mirror.)
In high school, appearances are everything. The way you look. The way you wish you didn't look. Nobody is satisfied. Which is maybe why, throughout the halls and classrooms, we hear the one universal cry.
(Bell rings. Cut to library with Kevin, Ricky, Chuck and Jeff.)
What's wrong with me?
Ricky Halsenbach. When it came to inferiority complexes, he had them all.
Everybody's got a date for the dance but me.
Ah, come on Ricky. Everyone doesn't have a date.
I do.
It's not just the dance. It seems like every guy I know has got a girl.
Oh, come on - that's not true.
Maybe it's my technique. You know, sometimes I walk by couples just to try to listen in on what they're saying - figure out how they're doing it. And ya know, they're not saying anything special. They're just saying stuff like..."pass the pepper". I can say that. So what's wrong with me?
Now, of course, the guy was a friend, so we wanted to be supportive.
Hey, Ricky...ya know, you're gonna find a girl - it just takes time, that's all.
Sometimes it takes years.
(Ricky watches a couple pass by. Boy says to girl...)
I'll seeya tonight, alright?
Look at that guy. What's he got that I don't?
But if there was one essential rule in high school, it was that certain questions were better left unanswered.
I don't know, man. (Shrugs.)
(Bell rings.)
*
(In Mr. Atkinson's class.)
Brett...what about you? What really gets to you?
Brett Davis. Class president, captain of the football team, and voted the boy most likely to be better than everybody else.
Well, uh, sometimes in the middle of a game I get worried that I'm not stepping up into the pocket fast enough. (Nods.)
Yee-ah.
(Ricky leans toward Kevin.)
Yeah. He's got a lot of problems. (Smiles.)
For your next assignment, I want you all to write about something that really bothers you about yourself.
And there ya had it. There was an unspoken code not to speak.
(A girl approaches the door from outside, and knocks on it.)
Except when you had something to speak about.
Come in.
(The girl enters.)
Hello.
Yes - may I help you?
Whoa...
Look at her. (Smiles.)
And you are...uh?
Hayley Green. I just started school here.
It was a moment you don't forget. This girl was beautiful.
Great. You can take that desk right over there. (Gestures.)
(Hayley walks forward.)
She had absolutely everything.
(She turns in profile, revealing a large nose.)
Holy cow.
And, a little bit more.
Holy cow. (Frowns.)
And there was nothing more to say except...
Holy cow. (Smiles.)
(Ricky leans toward Kevin.)
She's beautiful. (Smiles.)
Ricky Halsenbach...
(Cut to cafeteria.)
Was in love.
Look at her. She's really gorgeous. (Smiles.)
And not just in love. I'm talking deeply, madly, head-over-heels, blind-as-a-bat, in love.
As soon as I saw her, I knew she was the one.
(Jeff approaches and sits down.)
Who's the one?
Her.
(Jeff looks over his shoulder.)
Whoa!
Yeah...she's really something, isn't she?
Yeah - she's uh, definitely hard to forget.
Yeah - I wish I could meet her.
Well, if you like her so much, go and talk to her. (Gestures.)
Well, I mean...what would I say?
How about "pass the pepper"? (Smiles.)
Just say "hi".
Well, you think that'll work?
Go over there and see. (Gestures.)
OK. OK - here I go. I'm gonna do it. I'm going.
(Ricky stands slowly.)
And as Ricky boldly ventured forth...we, of course, gave him all the encouragement we could.
Don't spit when you talk.
(The guys look at each other and start to giggle. Ricky approaches Hayley.)
After all, it was kind of a big moment for the guy.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi. (Nods.)
(Kevin, Chuck and Jeff joke and laugh about Ricky and Hayley. Later, Winnie tells Kevin not to make fun of Hayley.)
*
(Now, evening at the diner. Kevin, Winnie, Chuck and Jeff are in a booth.)
Oh, God...
What?
They're walking in here right now.
Yep. Here comes the three of them.
(Jeff and Chuck giggle as Ricky and Hayley approach.)
That was real funny, Kevin. (Frowns.)
Well, I didn't say anything. (Gestures.)
That's no excuse.
(Ricky and Hayley stop next to the booth.)
Hey guys.
Uh, hi.
Hi.
Hi. You must be Hayley.
Yeah. That's right.
I'm Winnie. It's nice to meet you. (Smiles.)
So, uh...what have you guys been doing? (Smiles.)
Ah, we went to the movies together. (Smiles.)
We saw "Harold and Maude". It's about this old lady - eighty years old, and this young guy, about nineteen...and they fall in love.
Well, that sounds...nice. (Gestures.)
I mean, it was really kind of beautiful. Nothing else mattered except how they felt about each other.
We're goin' to the Spring dance together... (Smiles.)
That's great! (Smiles.)
Yeah, I, uh...I asked her, and she said "yes". (Smiles.)
Well that's usually how it works, Ricky. (Smiles.)
Sitting there, watching Hayley, I started to see what Ricky saw in her. She was nice, friendly...it almost made you completely forget about...
Oh...
("Jaws"-like music starts.)
What's the matter?
(Hayley fans her face with her hand and rolls her eyes up.)
That nose.
I'm gonna sneeze.
(Kevin and Winnie look worried.)
It was horrible.
(Jeff and Chuck slowly slide their food away from Hayley.)
It was like battening down for a hurricane...
(Hayley continues to wind up her sneeze.)
Heading for the storm-cellar during a tornado.
(Hayley covers her nose and makes a small high-pitched sneeze, then smiles. Everyone relaxes.)
Geshundheit. (Smiles.)
Thank you.
Well, ah...we gotta be going.
(Ricky waves slightly and they walk off.)
It was nice meeting you.
Bye...
It was all we could do to keep a straight face and hope that nobody would notice.
(The guys look at each other and laugh. Winnie frowns at Kevin. Ricky looks over his shoulder in the distance. Cut to hallway.)
Unfortunately, somebody did.
What was everybody laughing at yesterday?
Laughing? (Gestures.) Were we laughing?
Yeah. At the diner. Did Hayley say something funny?
No. I don't think so...
Well, you weren't...laughing at her nose, were you?
Woops.
Nose? (Frowns.) What nose?
(They look toward Hayley in the distance.)
Haven't you noticed? It's a little big, isn't it?
No. I mean, it...it's just a...nose. Just like anyone else's nose. I mean, it's uh...just...a nose. That's all it is...a nose.
I figured if I said the word "nose" three thousand times, maybe he'd believe me.
(Ricky nods slightly as the bell rings.)
*
(Later, in the library.)
I've gotta dump her.
What are you talking about?
It's hard for me to even look at her.
Well...but I thought you said she was beautiful.
Well, I did. And then she made that speech. And then I started to notice everybody looking at her. And now...when I see her...all I see is her nose. And it seems like every day...it's just getting bigger!
(Sound of an elephant trumpeting.)
I keep thinking...it's gonna wrap around her head like a giant turban!
Ricky! You sound crazy!
I can't take her to that dance.
(Ricky walks off. Kevin follows.)
This was getting totally out of control.
Man, that's tomorrow night.
I can't help it.
Come on, Ricky - you really like her. (Gestures.)
Yeah, well...I got my reputation to think about.
Wait a minute.
You don't have a reputation.
If I take her to the dance, everybody's gonna be laughing at me.
Look. You can't break the date with her. I mean, you're really gonna hurt her feelings.
I know. I know.
(Ricky turns to Kevin quickly.)
Will you do it?
Me?!
Yeah. Well, you're always nice to people.
Oh, God.
And you're always sensitive to their feelings...
Look - I'm not going to do your dirty work for you. This is your responsibility. (Gestures.)
Right. I'll do it then.
Well then go do it. (Gestures.)
I'm gonna do it.
(Ricky exits. Kevin watches him leave.)
But even though I'd washed my hands of the whole mess...I couldn't help but feel a little bit...
(Cut to class.)
You can't go to the dance?
Guilty.
Yeah. Well, uh, my uh, my-my cousin's coming in from out of town, and, and she's got this medical condition, and it's a, it's a, it's a webbed-foot duck thing.
A webbed-foot duck thing...
Ricky somehow came up with the worst excuse known to mankind.
Yeah. And there's only like sixty-three known cases. (Nods.)
And then he embellished it.
And ya know it's when you're born with your toes stuck together by some sort of...s-stuff. (Frowns.)
That doesn't sound very good.
I-I hate to miss the dance, but uh, we're gonna have to take her to the hospital tomorrow night.
Yeah. Uh...I hope she's OK.
Of course, Hayley must have known it was a lie.
(Hayley and Ricky turn away from each other.)
But she handled it with dignity.
*
(Later at the dance. Winnie has left Kevin to go to the restroom in a snit. Jeff approaches Kevin.)
So - you enjoying yourself?
Yeah.
Pass out the party hats.
(Jeff and Kevin look over their shoulder toward Ricky standing alone in the distance.)
Look at him. Well, he does look bad, huh?
Yeah...
(Kevin taps Jeff on the arm, then approaches Ricky.)
Hey. How ya doin'?
(Ricky smiles and nods.)
Good...I'm just, uh, tryin' to figure out who I'm gonna dance with next.
Right.
Next?
Next...first - one of those things.
Yeah. Right. (Smiles.)
Yeah. I'm really having a great time and everything. I'm really glad I didn't bring Hayley. (Nods.)
(Ricky looks away.)
But the fact was...
Maybe I should have brought Hayley.
I guess we were both feeling kind of bad.
(Ricky looks off.)
I don't believe it!
And then it happened.
(Hayley enters in the distance.)
Ricky Halsenbach got a second chance.
(Kevin looks toward Hayley as Ricky scurries off.)
Ricky, this is great!
(Kevin looks toward Ricky suddenly. Cut to restroom. Kevin enters as Ricky looks in the mirror.)
Ricky, what are you doing?
I can't let her see me - she thinks I'm at the hospital.
Well, so make up an excuse and let's go out there.
How? I told her that stupid web-foot duck story.
OK - a minor detail.
Well, then go out there and tell her the truth.
I can't. (Frowns.)
Ricky...remember when you first met her. I mean, you were crazy about her.
(Ricky smiles.)
You two were meant for each other. And then you had to start listening to us jerks, and everything. (Smiles.) I mean half the time, we don't even know what we're talking about. We just...talk just to talk. Don't ya understand? I mean, you had somethin' great together. So just...go out there and tell her that. Don't let anything get in your way.
I don't know - maybe I was trying to make up for all my bad jokes and cruelty.
Let's do it.
(Cut to the dance as Ricky and Kevin return. They see Hayley alone in the distance.)
But as we went out there...I couldn't help feeling we were both lucky...you don't get that many opportunities to make amends. To rectify a wrong. To lose a love and find it again.
(They stop next to Hayley.)
Hi.
Hi. I thought you were supposed to be with your cousin.
Yeah, well the truth is...they decided to put off the operation.
(Kevin frowns and looks at Ricky.)
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Well...yeah.
Well...I'm really glad. (Smiles.) Do you want to dance?
And there it was. Romance was finally in the air.
Actually, to tell you the truth, Ricky...I-I came with a date.
(Brett approaches with punch.)
There you are.
Hi, Brett.
And then "guess who" stepped up into the pocket.
Oh, Brett, you know Kevin, Ricky...(Gestures.)
Yeah...you're in my English class.
Uh, yeah. (Gestures.) We both are.
Didn't Hayley give a great speech the other day? (Smiles.)
It wasn't that good.
Yeah, it was...It took a lot of guts. I wish I had that kinda courage. It was good seein' ya, Kevin. And uh...uh...
Ricky.
Ricky.
(Brett and Hayley exit as "You Are So Beautiful" - Joe Cocker starts.)
And as Hayley set off hand-in-hand with her new beau...one question naturally came to mind.
What's he got that I don't?
And of course, there was only one answer. He had her.

Also see "Full Transcript"



McKinley Crowd
Character "Clips"

Wonder Years Menu

11/26/14 10:25