From Ep 34 - "Don't you know anything about women?"



(Kevin, Paul and Carla are playing "Life".)
In the game of life, there are few certainties.
"Car Accident. Pay five-thousand dollars if not insured." Cough it up, Carla. Your turn, Kev.
In fact, most things are left to chance.
"Get Married". Gimme a pink one.
Who is she, Kevin?
Marsha Brady. No, no! Nancy Sinatra.
There's someone for everyone, we're told. But the search for that one person to ride through life beside you is serious business. Especially when you're thirteen.
(Paul and Carla are still giggling.)
Paul? It's your turn.
It's a matter of trial, error, and pure dumb luck.
(Cut to Cantwell's science class. Mr. Cantwell is in a fire-proof hood, as he pours a green liquid into a beaker.)
And of course...chemistry.
(There is a small explosion.)
Do not try this at home.
Ah, chemistry - nothin' like it.
(Kevin glances toward Susan at another table.)
Proceed with you experiment. Remember - observation is the key.
Uh-huh, there was lots to be learned by observing Susan Fisher.
Miss Fisher - will you please read from your laboratory manual?
The following experiment is one involvin' sodium and chloride - the basic components of salt.
Susan spanned the entire periodic table of elements. She was gorgeous, exotic...
(Susan's lab partner moves next to her.)
And thanks to Donald Wallach, totally unavailable.
(Kevin sighs and looks away.)
Still, there was something about the way that woman said...
Sodium chloride precipitate.
That set my blood boilin'.
(Kevin's lab partner holds a beaker under his nose.)
Hey!
Pay attention or you'll get burned. (Smiles.)
Linda Sloan, on the other hand, was my, well...lab partner.
I was paying attention.
Sure you were...
She was smart...funny...and comfortable.
Mix your precipitates, and stand back.
Think we're ready for this?
(Sighs) As we'll ever be...
No question about it - Linda was really, really...
(Linda pours one chemical into the other. There is not much reaction. They both frown.)
A great guy.
Here goes!
(Kevin and Linda look at Donald and Susan's experiment, which fizzes out of the beaker.)
Maybe next time.
Sure. (Smiles.)
But in chemistry, as in life, the realities are clear.
(Kevin looks at Susan.)
Some combinations make sparks...
(Kevin looks at Linda.)
Some don't. With one small footnote.
(Cut to hallway.)
Never get involved, Kev.
What's the matter, Paul? Carla problems?
She wants me to take her miniature golfing!
So?
So? I just took her miniature golfing. The woman is killing me! I mean, she has me on a leash!
Uh-huh.
You had to take Paul's belly-aching with a grain of salt - the guy was really happy only when he was hen-pecked.
Women!
Well, Paul, if you're so miserable, why don't you just break up with her?
I should. You know, I really should. But then who am I gonna take to the dance Friday night? I mean, I can't go alone - nobody goes alone.
Well, almost nobody.
So who are you goin' with?
Oh, I...I'm not sure yet. (Shrugs.)
Oh, I get it. You're plannin' your move, huh...checkin' out the field...(Nods.)
Yeah! Kinda. (Smiles and nods.)
Actually, I'd resigned myself to spending the evening watching Craig Hobson drop dead flies in the punchbowl.
I know...why don't you ask her?
(Susan is down the hallway.)
Susan Fisher? Are you nuts?
Why not? She's available.
Paul, she happens to be joined at the hip to Donald Wallach!
Man, you gotta put yourself in the loop! Donald and Susan broke up - Carla heard it from Melissa Bemil yesterday at lunch. (Smiles.) Go ahead, ask her.
No...I couldn't.
Come on, take a chance. You only live once.
It was powerful logic. Assuming, of course, that Paul, Carla, and Melissa Bemil were right.
(Cut to cafeteria.)
There was only one sure way to find out. I'd just gather up my courage, walk right up to her, and...
(Kevin passes Susan and takes a seat behind her.)
Eavesdrop.
I swear...
(Kevin leans his chair back, and listens.)
Donald can be so stuck-up sometimes. I told him so too.
Good - rumor confirmed. Now all I had to do was get her to notice old unstuck-up Kevin Arnold.
Well, I gotta get going, now. See y'all later. (Exits.)
Bye.
(Kevin falls backwards. Kids laugh and applaud.)
Or, I could just lie here until school was over, and ask the janitor to let me out.
Nice move overall, but your back was slightly arched on the dismount. I'll give it a "nine."
The chair broke, OK?
They'll do that on ya.
(Kevin stands, and looks after Susan.)
I don't think she saw you, anyway.
Who?
Susan Fisher! (Smiles.)
What makes you think I'd care if Susan Fisher saw me?
Oh, I don't know - a wild guess. (Smiles, then frowns.) Boy, when it comes to women, you don't know anything, do you?
What do you mean by that?
I mean you're technique is a little off. But don't worry - it's correctable. You just need a little advice.
Hnnh - me? Are you kidding? Why would I need advice? (Smiles.)
Sorry - you're right. What was I thinking of?
(Linda frowns, and waves.)
Seeya, Mr. Smooth. (Exits.)
How do you like that? Advice - what a joke!
(Cut to chemistry class. Kevin is looking at Susan, then turns to Linda.)
So, what's your advice?
You want to ask Susan Fisher to the dance, don't you?
Well...I...
Come on, don't kid a kidder - women know these things. You want to ask Susan, but you don't know what to say...
Well...
And you're afraid you gonna make a fool of yourself. Correct?
Kinda...(Nods.)
"Kinda"? This girl was reading my mind like a phone-book.
So, how should I do it?
Let's see...how about something like..."Hi, Susan, I was wondering if you'd like to go to the dance with me?" (Frowns.)
Really?
Works for me! Just be casual. Don't look anxious or nervous - be yourself.
You think she'll say "yes"?
That depends whether or not she wants to go to the dance with you.
I'm serious!
Well, why not? You're a cute guy. But don't let it go to your head. Look - there's only one way to find out. Just march right up and ask her.
Sounded simple enough.
(Cut to hallway.)
Just march right up and ask her.
(Kevin sees Susan alone at her locker, and hesitates.)
As soon as I had the nerve.
(Paul approaches and sighs.)
Carla's mad at me.
Again?
I forgot our three-month anniversary - she was expecting roses.
Oh, I'm sorry, Paul, but-
She knows I'm allergic to flowers! I'm telling you, I'm seriously thinking about becoming a bachelor again. I mean, look at you - no woman controls your life!
(Susan is walking away.)
Paul, I'll talk to you later, OK?
What if the day comes when I don't feel like playing miniature golf?
I'll seeya later!
(Kevin hurries after Susan.)
I couldn't worry about Paul. Right now I had a rendevous with fate.
Susan! Hi.
Hi...(Frowns.)
Kevin. Kevin!
Kevin.
Whew!
How are you?
Fine, thank you. How are you?
Alright! Now devastate her with your wit.
So...could you believe Cantwell today? (Smiles.)
He's quite the character. (Smiles.)
Yeah.
Good, good. Now Linda said just be myself. So, a little hesitation for just the right effect, and -
So, uh, I was wondering, if you, wanted to go, uh...
(Donald rushes down the stairs.)
Susan. Susan - we have to talk.
(He pulls Susan after him.)
Donald! I was talking to Kevin...
(Donald leads Susan away.)
Unbelievable. I'd blown a golden opportunity - and whose fault was it?
(Cut to outside school.)
Mine?
I just shouldn't have asked her in the first place. (Frowns and gestures.)
Seems to me you didn't ask her at all. Seems to me you chickened out. (Smiles.)
I didn't chicken out! Just that I think she's back together with Donald, that's all.
Oh...
Look, it's no big deal anyway - I'm just not going to the dance.
Oh...
(Kevin heads toward his bus. Linda frowns, and follows Kevin.)
Hey! Want to hear a stupid idea?
What?
Aw, nah, forget it - it's really stupid.
Come on, what?
Well, I was just thinking...since you're not going to the dance, and I'm not going to the dance...why don't we go together?
Together? (Frowns.)
Yeah. (Smiles.) As friends. (Nods.)
As friends?
Why not? It might be fun.
She did have a point. Another Friday night sharing the couch with Wayne and Delores wasn't exactly enticing.
Well, why not? (Smiles.)
Great! (Smiles.)
(Linda walks away to her bus.)
Sure, why shouldn't two friends go to a dance together? And to think I'd almost humiliated myself by asking -
(Susan approaches.)
Kevin? Where did you run off to?
I, uh...
I thought you were gonna ask me somethin'.
I was?
Somethin' about...science class?
Oh...that. Um, just...
OK, now - keep calm! Say something...brilliant!
What's the atomic weight of barium?
Ah-hah...
I'm sure I don't know...(Puzzled.)
Oh. Then, I'll just..look it up. (Smiles.)
Are you...goin' to the dance on Friday?
Yeah. I mean...I-I think so.
I hope so.
Hahhh?
Maybe you'll...save me a dance, then. OK? (Smiles and exits.)
Was she joking - save her a dance? I'd save every tango, every twist, every polka, every frug in the book! And suddenly my life was complete! This was bliss - no - more than bliss. This was Susan Fisher and me!
(Kevin walks by Linda's bus. She taps on the window and smiles.)
And, of course, Linda.
*
(Kevin is watching Paul do pull-ups in gym.)
The strain is killing me!
Don't give up now, it's only two.
No, I mean this whole thing with Carla.
Well, did you get her the roses?
It cost me eight dollars and sixty-seven cents. Not to mention this rash on my arm. It's a lucky thing she didn't ask for carnations. Carnations give me shingles. It's getting too complicated, Kev. Maybe I should break up with her.
Paul...
Maybe I'll go to the dance with you.
I, uh...I can't.
You're going with Susan Fisher?!
Not exactly...but, she did ask me to save her a dance. (Smiles.)
Alright!
Except, I...my date is Linda Sloan.
You dog!
Huh?
Babes crawling all over you - what a life.
Paul, it's not that great, OK?
Yeah. Right!
Paul, really! What am I gonna do - I can't be with two girls at one dance!
I see what you mean. In that case, there's only one solution. You gotta ditch one of 'em.
(Kevin hesitates.)
Hey! It's the only honorable thing to do.
(Cut to science class as Kevin pours a chemical into a beaker.)
Honorable, sure...but I wasn't gonna just ditch Linda. I was thinking of a more gallant plan of action. I was gonna weasel my way out of this.
So what time are you picking me up tomorrow night?
Uh, Linda? Did we say we were definitely, definitely, going together?
I thought so. Why?
Uh, nothing. It's -
(Linda points at Kevin with a tong of dry-ice.)
I hope you're not trying to weasel your way out of this. Cuz I already turned down Steve Padway.
Steve Padway asked you to the dance?
After you and I decided to go. I wasn't about to let you down.
(Kevin sighs.)
Look, if you want, I'll wear a sign that says "Kevin Arnold is just my friend". OK?
I'll pick you up at seven-thirty.
Great! (Smiles.)
(Cut to Linda's house as Kevin rings the doorbell.)
OK. So I'd failed as a weasel. Linda was right - I couldn't let a friend down.
(V/O) I'll get it, Mom!
Besides, it's not like I had to worry about getting flowers to match her dress. This was sorta like going to the dance with Paul.
Hi!
Only not at all.
Hi...(Smiles.)
Would you like to come in for a second?
Sure! (Smiles.)
(Kevin looks at a picture of Linda on a boat at a dock.)
You sail?
Yeah, my family goes every summer. I was in a competition last year.
You never told me that!
Here, I got something for you. It was either this or one of those plastic lizards. (Frowns.)
(Linda pins a red carnation on Kevins shirt.)
The amazing thing is, even with the pretty dress and all the make-up...and even though she was pinning a flower on my lapel...
(Linda smiles at Kevin.)
And even though her hair smelled like new-mown hay in a tropical garden on the first day of spring...
There!
(They smile at each other.)
She was still the same old Linda - my buddy. My pal.
(Cut to the dance.)
Twenty-foot waves?!
The boat was going crazy! If we hadn't cut the sheet, we would have gone over for sure!
Oh, it must be great out there on the high-seas like that! Ya know, someday I'm gonna take a boat around the world!
A sailboat?
Yeah, I think so - me and my dad. (Smiles.)
Have you plotted your course yet?
Well, we haven't really talked about it a lot, yet. (Smiles.)
Actually, I had never said that out loud to anyone in my life.
I've got this really great atlas you can borrow sometime if you want.
Sure!
OK - I admit it, I was having fun.
(They smile at each other.)
At least - more than I expected.
(They approach the punchbowl and Paul.)
Hey guys! Where have you been?
Paul, where's Carla?
History. I broke up with her - I'm a free man!
What?!
But you guys were so good together.
Hey, there's other fish in the sea...Boy, this is gonna be great! The babes...the music. I gotta got out there and sow my wild oats! (Exits.)
Wild oats?
It's just an expression.
He's fooling himself. He's not gonna be happy. He'll miss her.
(Steve Padway approaches.)
Linda?
Hi, Steve.
Padway, what do you want?
Uh, would you like to dance with me? Well, if you don't mind, Kevin.
(Linda looks at Kevin expectantly.)
Of course I could have said "no" - technically, I mean. Still...
Hey, you don't need my permission.
I'd love to, Steve. (Smiles.)
Great!
(Steve starts to walk off. Linda looks at Kevin.)
Thanks alot! (Smiles.)
He's crazy about you. It's obvious! (Shrugs.)
Yeah, right! Now what am I supposed to do?
Just be yourself - works for me.
(Linda smiles and joins Steve.)
It was strange. Watching Linda dance with Steve Padway, I felt almost...
(Linda looks at Kevin, shaking her head.)
Well, I mean, she was...funny.
(Linda sticks her tongue out and shrugs.)
And smart...
(Linda smiles at Kevin.)
And she -
Kevin?
(Kevin turns and smiles.)
Hi...
Humunuh-humunuh-humunuh.
Ready for our dance?
Was Rhett Butler ready for Scarlett O'Hara? Was Anthony ready for Cleopartra? And as we stepped out onto that dance-floor, I was prepared to take my place among the world's greatest romances.
(They start to dance.)
No more admiring Susan from the distance. She was here, in my arms. The perfect woman...the perfect song. ("Crimson and Clover"). The perfect moment.
(They continue to dance. Fade to the punchbowl. Kevin and Susan tap their cups, and smile at each other.)
Cheers.
Cheers.
To us. I wanted to enjoy this moment forever. Kevin Arnold, with Susan Fisher. Kevin Arnold, with the girl of his dreams. Kevin Arnold with...absolutely nothing to talk about.
Would you hold this a minute? I'll be right back.
No sweat.
(Kevin frowns.)
"No sweat"?
(Linda approaches.)
Where'd you disappear to?
Linda...hi. How was your dance with Steve?
It was OK. (Nods.)
(Kevin starts to sip his drink. Linda reaches for the other cup.)
For me?
(Kevin pulls the cup back.)
No - this is Susan's!
Oh.
Maybe I didn't say that in exactly the right way.
She's...gonna be right back. I mean, she already drank out of it...(frowns)...But there's more! (Nods.)
(Kevin turns to get Linda a cup.)
At that moment I guess I felt like crawling into that punch bowl and pulling the ice-cubes over my head. But I knew I couldn't.
She's not so great, you know.
Linda, I -
Don't say it.
("Unchained Melody" starts and plays throughout.)
I understand.
(Linda looks off and sighs.)
So, uh...you don't mind if I go find Steve Padway, do you?
I don't mind. (Shrugs.)
I'll seeya in science class. (Exits.)
(Kevin leans back on the table and frowns.)
It was the first heart I'd ever broken. And in a way, my own heart was aching a little, too. It didn't seem...fair. I really liked Linda, but the fact was, I just didn't feel about her the way...
(Kevin sees Susan and Donald dancing.)
Susan Fisher felt about Donald Wallach. Maybe she'd just been toying with me, or maybe she'd used me to get back with Donald. In any event, it was pretty clear...
(Kevin sees Paul moping in the bleachers, alone.)
Paul wasn't the only one who had been fooling himself.
(Over the speaker) This dance is for Paul, from Carla...(Giggles).
(Paul stands up excitedly, and (off-screen) finds Carla. They dance. Kevin is still moping, alone, looking at the crowd.)
All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners, and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak, and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect...who might be searching for us...
(Winnie enters the dance. Kevin and Winnie pass each other in the crowd.)

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11/15/14 09:45