Linda Carr and Aunt Muriel



(Ep 96 - "Scenes from a Wedding")

(In the wedding reception line.)
And with that, the festivities got underway. Officially. Not that I was a stranger to these things. I knew the drill - the fake smiles, the small-talk...
Hi.
The incredible women.
Linda Carr.
Hi. Kevin - Kevin Arnold.
Hi, Kevin Kevin Arnold.
So...quite a place, huh? And how about that ceremony?
Hey! Nothin' wrong with being friendly, right?
This is aunt Muriel.
Aren't you...a peach! I was just gonna say I couldn't shake another hand if you paid me. But for you, I'll make an exception. (Giggles.)
Thanks.
Uh-huh. All-in-all, it was clear this night was gonna be some fun.

*
(Linda approaches behind Kevin, near the ice-swan he just broke.)
Hi, Kevin Kevin Arnold.
Oh! Hi. It's just Kevin, you know.
So, having the time of your life?
Yeah, it's great.
Well, I'm just bored crazy. You know, I think couples should do everyone a favor, and just elope.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Please don't walk away, and I promise I'll say something interesting.
So how old are you, anyway?
Let's see, here.
Nineteen.
Excellent.
I'm a sophomore at State.
Oh, a State man, huh?
Yep. That's me!
You know what would be a lotta fun...that is if you're a fun guy - are you a fun guy, Kevin Kevin?
Yeah, sure...I love fun.
Well, um...(glances around)...you got any grass?
Grass? Here?
(Nods.)
Yeah, I stashed a kilo in the hat-check room.
Sorry. Fresh out.
Hmmm...That's too bad. That would have been fun. Well - bye!
(Linda walks across the room.)
It may have been a turning-point. Sure, I had Winnie. But this was a wedding, and if weddings were a time for romance...
(Kevin walks across the room toward Linda.)
A time for possibility, a time when we might embrace the unexpected...
Linda.
Then this was my time.
Yeah?
I think I can get us some champagne.
Meet me at the gazebo in half an hour...OK?
Sure. The gazebo.
Whatever that was.
(Linda smiles and walks off.)
And suddenly, with Linda's words, everything changed. The annoying guests, Arthur Jensen, all became none other than harmless prologue to the day's main event. There was no other way to put it - things were definitely looking up.
*
(Kevin has been trying to get some champagne.)
Please?! Come on, Wayne. Let me have some of yours.
Get your own champagne! (Frowns.)
I'd do it for you!
You know, I believe you would. I could give you this bottle. As a matter of fact, if it was up to me, I'd give it to you right now.
Bingo.
But! According to the State drinking law, you're underage. So, if I did, I'd be committing a crime, and that would be wrong.
Great. Suddenly my brother had become Joe Friday.
(Wayne sees Candy in the distance.)
Candy! Candy, wait up!
(Wayne rises and passes Kevin as he walks toward Candy.)
Excuse me...
(Wayne hands the champagne bottle to Kevin.)
And, I was in the bubbly.
Hi! How about one dance with the bride?
No, I don't think that would be possible. (Frowns.)
Well, how-how about later, then?
No, I don't think that would be possible, either. (Exits.)
Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
Possibly, a mistake.
Gimme that!
(Wayne takes the champagne.)
Hey!
I had blown my last chance at romance, intrigue, adventure.
(In the distance, Linda taps her watch.)
My last chance...at Linda. And then, just as things seemed hopeless...
(Kevin sees the empty bar, and walks toward it.)
A miracle. Suddenly, nothing stood between me and destiny.
(Aunt Muriel grabs Kevin by the shoulders.)
There you are, handsome!
Nothing but - Mrs. Robinson's stunt-double.
Is it time for my dance yet?
Uh...
*
(On the dance floor.)
Ooh, your arms are so strong! I bet you could pick me up like a feather!
Sure! One of those rare, hundred-and-eighty-pound feathers.
You want to try?
No, uh...no, I better not.
Why don't you lead for awhile?
Actually, I gotta go. Thanks for the dance, though.
Sure thing, lambchop!
And once-and-for-all, I was on my way - driven, unrelenting, determined to get that champagne, no matter what it took.
(Kevin approaches the bar.)
Look!
(The bartender sets out a glass and a bottle, and smiles.)
As it happened, it didn't take much. And with that, I was on my way.
*
(Kevin is alone in the gazebo.)
I took a moment to contemplate my good-fortune, my incredible luck, the remarkable turn of events that had brought me here. Sitting with a cold bottle of champagne - waiting.
*
Pouring...sipping...
*
Slurping...
*
Guzzling...
*
Chugging...
*
Sprawling...
*
Sitting there one hour later, three-sheets-to-the-wind, drunk as a skunk - watching my amazing hand.
(Winnie appears in the palm of Kevin's hand. "Kevin, you know very well what you've done! How could you?")
Uh-oh.
(Linda approaches.)
Kevin?
Linda!
(Winnie: "Kevin?")
I had only one choice - attempt to play it straight.
I brought you some champagne!
(Kevin waves the empty bottle.)
Uh, look. I didn't really feel much like champagne, anyway.
(Linda's "friend" approaches.)
Oh. Yeah. Right.
And I guess that's when I realized a couple of things. One...I'd just lost out to a guy in a really bad tux.
I better be going now.
And two...for sixteen years, I'd taken standing up for granted.
Kevin, are you gonna be alright?
Yeah. Yeah, it's...no problem.
Even in my stupor I knew what I'd done. I behaved like an idiot. Betrayed my girlfriend. I'd acted like a fool. And now...
Linda.
Yes, Kevin?
It was time to face the truth. About myself. About my past. Time to stand up and act like a man. But maybe most of all, it was time to come clean.
I...
Yes, Kevin?
(Kevin vomits.)
Uh...blahhhhhhhhhh!
Ahh! Eeeew!!
So I did.

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11/15/14 10:45