Purdle



(Ep 73 - "Frank and Denise")

(Purdle, Kevin and Lewis are sitting in the cafeteria. Denise sits a few tables away.)
Unbelievable.
What was I supposed to do? (Gestures) Ignore her?
Yes! Frank put a guy in the hospital just for lookin' at her at Ocean City last year.
Unbelievable.
So this isn't America? I can't talk to who I want?
It's hard to talk without your teeth.
Unbelievable.
(Kevin stands up and walks off with his tray toward Denise.)
Ah, what did these guys know? So I'd spoken to Denise - so what? After all, we had a history now. We were practically...soul mates. And if I wanted to talk to her I would.
(Kevin walks past Denise toward the trashcan. Denise looks up and smiles.)
And if I didn't, then I -
Hey, Calvin!
(Kevin noisily dumps his tray contents in the garbage.)
How's it goin'? (Smiles.)
Not bad...The more I read it, the more I understand. It's like...like love is on trial.
(Denise stands up and approaches.)
Uh-huh.
And-and Swift says "and mortals here to stay into love". It's like he's saying the whole thing's a sham - like there is no true love. Right?
Uh...
Hey - when in doubt, say -
Sure! Of course! (Smiles.)
I liked talkin' to you. (Smiles and exits.)
You heard it - she liked...talking...to me.
(Lewis and Purdle run up, excitedly.)
(L & P): What'd she say?!
Of course, a gentleman didn't discuss these things.
She said she liked talking to me...(Smiles.)
(Lewis sighs and sits on a chair-back.)
Unbelievable.
*
(Another day. Kevin, Purdle and Lewis have just exited the building. Lewis points at Kevin.)
You kissed Denise "The Grease"?
Unbelievable.
You don't expect us to swallow this, do you?
OK - I told two people.
Her gum was in my mouth!
Unbelievable!
(Lewis smacks Purdle with his notebook.)
Get off it! No way a chick like Denise is gonna go for a dingleberry like him.
(Denise approaches from the background.)
Calvin! I have a huge favor to ask. I have to go to work. I can't face him, anyway. Not after that fight we had yesterday.
(Denise undoes her necklace and puts it in Kevin's hand.)
Just give him this. He'll know what it means. I gotta go...Thanks. (Exits.)
(Lewis points at Kevin.)
You broke up "The Stank" and "The Grease".
Jeez, Kevin - bad karma!



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(Ep 74 - "Full Moon Rising")

Cars - the ultimate dream of every red-blooded American kid. Cars meant freedom, status, maturity. If you were old enough to drive, the world was your oyster. But, if you weren't...
(Cut to Kevin, Purdle and Randy getting on the bus.)
Your world was more of a sardine - to really stretch an analogy.
Excuse me! Can you move your...instrument? (Frowns.)
Without wheels, life was one indignity after another.
This bus smells like lunch.
Tell me about it.
(Purdle pauses and smiles at two girls.)
Oh, I think I'll stick around here for awhile.
(The girls smile in disbelief and look at each other.)
A series of humiliations.
(Randy taps Purdle on the shoulder.)
Will you move?! Can't take you anywhere.
(Purdle and Randy take a seat together, across the aisle from Kevin.)
And faced with these constant embarrassments...you look for any small way to elevate your status.
So what are you guys doin' this weekend?
(Shrugs). What about you?
I got a date Friday night.
Alright, Kevin! (Smiles.)
The trick was to keep your friends jealous.
So, uh, how, uh...you gettin' there? (Smiles.)
My mom's drivin' us.
Whoa! Walk on the wild side. (Smiles.)
Yeah! Tell your mom not to look in the rear-view mirror.
Fact was, we all knew the bottom-line. To be truly free and functioning high-school men, what we needed...was a car.
(Cut to Kevin's bedroom as he reads a DMV test booklet.)
OK, you're coming up to a four-way stop.
What we had...was Ricky Halsenbach - the first kid in our class to turn sixteen.
Four-way stop...I'm there.
All cars...arrive at the same time.
Same time...(gestures)...I'm there.
Now...which car...has the right-of-way?
Hhhhh - I don't know! (Smiles.)
The car on your right!
(Kevin tosses the booklet in Ricky's lap, and walks toward the door in frustration.)
By quirk of fate...and the fact that he'd repeated third-grade twice...our ticket to ride...was riding on his ill-equipped shoulders.
(Purdle leans forward and pats Ricky on the shoulder.)
We knew you could do it, Ricky.
I can't do it! I just got too much stuff going on in my head.
Interesting theory...
Look. Ricky, if you get your license, you won't ever have to beg for a ride again.
We'll be the coolest guys in tenth-grade!
Yeah, the chicks will be climbing all over us!
*
(The guys watch Ricky driving around the DMV parking lot, running over cones.)
Is this as bad as it looks?
Well, I think he's killed every one of those orange cones.
Well, he's still got a chance. (Gestures.) I got him at about an eighty-one.
(Ricky runs over a row of cones.)
Sorry!
Alright, Mr. Halsenbach.
Uh...you can call me Ricky. (Smiles.)
Just give me a three-point turn, and we're done.
This much seemed clear. When it came to hitching our wagon to a star...we'd picked the wrong wagon.
(Ricky backs up over some cones.)
Uh, uh, sorry...
Man! This is an embarrassment!
Unbelievable!
We stood there, knowing it was a lost cause...
(Ricky parks the car. He and the tester get out.)
But clinging desperately to some hope for a miracle. And then...
There you are, Mr. Halsenbach.
The miracle occurred.
(Ricky looks at his test, then holds it toward the guys and smiles.)
Yes! Yes!
Call it chance...
Yes!
Call it error. The State had entrusted Ricky Halsenbach...with a two-ton lethal weapon on an open highway. And we...were on our way.
(Cut to on the bus.)
Did you see my three-point turn?
Yeah, they're still talking about it!
(The guys laugh. Randy whacks Purdle on the shoulder.)
Ow!
Sure, maybe we were still sardines...but at least we knew we were about to bust out of our can.
Looks like...we're cruisin' for chicks.
We can go anywhere we want!
Yeah! And everybody is gonna see us!
Especially the chicks. (Smiles.)
And there you had it. Rising up before us...was the dawn of a new era. An era of freedom. An era of adventure. An era of fun.
And my mom said I can have the car Friday night!
(Sound of squealing tires and a collision.)
An era of bad timing.
Friday night? This Friday night?
What's wrong?
I told ya - I got a date!
Look, you can have a date any Friday night.
What am I supposed to do about Cindy?
Easy. Dump her.
*
(Kevin did dump Cindy. Now, the guys are on the road.)
Sure, maybe the wheels belonged to Ricky's mother...but the night...belonged to us. The possibilities seemed endless.
(Ricky pulls to the curb.)
What's that smell?
As soon as Ricky released the parking brake.
So, uh, where we goin'?
What do you mean, "where are we goin'"?
Well, what? Does it matter?
Well, we oughtta go somewhere...(Gestures.)
*
(After being mooned, doing a "Chinese fire drill", then driving around some more.)
Come on, guys. Let's go pick up some chicks!
Yeah, chicks!
Women!
The reason God had invented cars.
So, where are they?
Man, they're everywhere.
Yeah! Just waiting to jump on us...grab us...smother us...
It was an awesome thought.
So, where are they?
Hmmm. Good question.
(Cut to Zesty's Restaurant. The guys are parked in the lot.)
Fortunately, there was an answer - Zesty's - the place to go for burgers, fries, and...
Whoa! Check out the hooters!
Man...
(Randy smacks Purdle.)
Can't take you anywhere...
Still, the fact remained, if it was girls we were looking for...
OK, we found 'em!
Well, now what do we do?
Hmmm. Good question.
(Kevin orders some food from the take-out window and is spotted by Cindy. Now he is trying to weasle away.)
Yeah, I'm - I'm just...here with...my cousins. And, we have to get back with the shakes. Look...they're melting, see? (Smiles.)
Well, if you're with relatives, uh...(shrugs)...I guess I'll see you on Monday?
Uh...yeah! Monday! (Smiles.)
After all, no reason to dally.
Seeya later. (Smiles.)
The best thing to do was amskray before she discovered who my cousins -
Hey, hey, hey! Ba-by...!
Really were.
Hey, Kevin? Who's the fox? Owwwwww!
Introduce us, man!
Yeah. Come right over here...(Gestures.) We got room!
(Kevin hesitantly looks over his shoulder at Cindy, who frowns haughtily.)
She didn't actually say anything. Her face did all the talking.
Looking good!
It said my rain-check had been revoked. Permanently.
Have you seen "Willard"?
(Kevin approaches the passenger door, crouching down.)
Let's get out of here!
What's the matter with you?
Nothing. Just, let's get out of here! Open the door, will ya?
Hey, where's my corndog?
Yeah, and you only got two orders of onion rings.
Will you just open the stupid door?!
Kev...!
Here!
(Kevin holds the box of food out. Purdle takes it.)
You're getting shakes all over me, man! (Frowns.)
(Kevin gets in.)
Good! Now come on, Ricky, drive.
Sheesh - what a grouch!
(Cut to the road.)
The night was still young, but somehow the adventure wasn't panning out quite the way we'd imagined. And the car was starting to smell.
Just ten more minutes, and I could have had any girl there.
Just when did you lose touch with reality?
Did you see the way they were looking at me, huh?
They couldn't believe your shirt!
You guys just can it for awhile!
What's eating you?
Nothing! I just can't believe I broke a date for this, that's all.
*
(After aborting a drag-race with the guys who mooned them earlier, the guys are arguing.)
We were reaching critical-mass, here. Our night was wearing thin. So was our vocabulary.
(They stop at a stop sign. A horn sounds as the Mustang crosses the intersection.)
Wussies!
It was the final straw. If we were going to hold on to our dignity, we had to strike back.
Let's...moon...somebody.
Yeah. Good idea!
Perfect.
Alright! (Nod.)
It was time for us to take our rightful place among men of the road. We were gonna take on the first victim that came our way.
(A car pulls next to them. Kevin smiles and looks out the window and looks surprised it is Jack and Norma.)
Alright! Do it! Do it!
Whoa -
(Kevin ducks down.)
Just one little problem.
(Purdle turns his butt to the window and starts to drop his pants.)
Moon patrol!
(Jack looks surprised, then frowns and drives off.)
Did ya see that guy's face?!
Well, my eyes were looking in a different direction!
Man, it looked like he was having a cow!
And his wife was like "uhhuhhh". (Smiles.)
Will you guys just shut up?!
What's your problem?
For starters, that was my mom and dad.
It was?
Yeah. You guys just mooned my parents. (Frowns.)
You're kidding...
Hey, we all wanted to do it.
Yeah, but it was you who had your butt out hangin' out the window! (Gestures.)
Oh, come on. Like how was I supposed to know?
See - this is great! Just great. You know it's real great hangin' out with a bunch of morons! Do you know where that word comes from, Ricky! This is the stupidest...dumbest night of my life! (Gestures.) I mean, I don't even know why I agreed to come with you in the first place. Can anyone tell me why?!
It was the kind of question that could only be answered by a Nobel prize-winning philosopher.
I know...
Or a guy like Ricky Halsenbach.
It's because they're round - like rings! And they've got onions in them. That's why the call 'em onion rings!
What?
What?
Looking back...it made about as much sense as anything else that night.
Can we just go home, guys?
Yeah. Let's get out of here.
We were veterans. We'd paid our dues. We'd mooned, and been mooned...and now...
Uh-oh.
What's the matter?
We're out of gas.
(Cut to the guys pushing the car.)
Can you guys believe tonight?
The worst.
Yeah, no kidding.
We didn't really accomplish anything that night. Nothing of any real importance, anyway. But through the high school years that lay ahead...there would be a thousand other nights, just like that one. Stupid, ridiculous...and glorious.
Hey! I can get the car again, next Friday...
I'm in.
Me, too.
Wouldn't miss it.

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(Ep 75 - "Triangle")

(Kevin and Purdle watch Wayne and Sandy outside school.)
The nineteen-seventies were filled with improbable events. Strange occurrences. Unexpected happenings. But nothing quite as improbable as my brother...and his new girlfriend.
Why is Sandy Tyler dating your brother?
Got me.
What is it? Like some kind of science experiment?
Got me.
It defied explanation. Sandy Tyler was a seemingly-intelligent eleventh-grader. She was smart. She was pretty.
She's out...of her mind. (Exits.)
Seemed as good an explanation as any.
*
(At the dance, Purdle, Ricky and two girls approach Kevin.)
Hey. Kevin...how ya doin'?
OK. (Smiles.)
(The girls look at each other.)
Let's go.
Uh-huh. (Nods.)
(The girls exit.)
Your dates are cool. (Smiles.)
Oh, thanks. I hope they come back...(Smiles.)


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