Stuart Carpazian


(Ep 71 - "Day One")

(Kevin and a girl are eyeing each other as they dial their locker combos. Stuart cuts between them.)
backnow Kevin Arnold?! Stuart Carpazian. Remember me? We both had Miss Serita for fourth grade.
Oh, hi, Stuart.
(Kevin looks past Stuart to the girl.)
Wow, it's good to see ya! You're probably wondering what happened to me. See, my dad got a job in Tucson when I was in fifth grade...so we moved. But, I'm back now! Jujubee?
No, thanks.
So, how's your mom? Hey, remember when she chaperoned our field-trip to the zoo...and the elephants are doing it?
Jeez, was this kid blind?
(The girl looks at Kevin as she closes her locker.)
Couldn't he see what was happening here?
Remember that time you came down with the Hong Kong flu?
(The girl smiles and approaches.)
Here she came.
It was right after lunch.
(Kevin smiles. The girl smiles.)
Fishsticks and peas, and ya threw up all over your desk.
(Kevin frowns. The girl frowns and walks past Kevin.)
Well, I gotta go to class now. It's been nice talking to you. Seeya later!
Oh, well, one thing about a big public high school...

(Class Room. Kevin is seated at a desk. Stuart approaches up the aisle behind Kevin.)
With any luck, Stuart Carpazian would be lost in the system.
(Stuart sits next to Kevin.)
Hey, would you look at this? Talk about luck. Hey, you know what I was thinking about? That time we were playing basketball, you ran into the pole and knocked a hole in your head.
Stuart, class is gonna start, OK? We'll talk later.
Oh, sure, sure.

(Later in class.)
thats Now! Can anyone tell me the name of this country's "living document"?...anyone?...no one? Grutner!
Good job. Callio!
Ah...I'm not sure.
Huh. Perfect. Carpazon!
Uh, that's "Carpazian", sir.
What did you say?
Uh, it's...not important.

winnie (Cafeteria. Winnie is surrounded at her table by football players.)
Come on, Kevin, you can squeeze in!
(Kevin smiles half-heartedly.)
Uh, no thanks. See, I'm, I'm just gonna...walk around for awhile, and...build up an appetite. OK?
I mean, hey - I didn't need charity. I could manage on my own. Plenty of folks I could sit with. Good folks. Honest folks. Folks like, say -
(Kevin sits at a table, unknowingly across from Stuart.)
Ummmmm! Hey, Kev! Pretty neat cafeteria, huh?
Remember that time you got that pencil stuck up in your nose? Hmmm?
I always had Stuart.
(Stuart motions with his milk straw.)

(Shot from behind Kevin as he drives in the simulator.)
After the first day at McKinley, I was lost. But as the week wore on...
(The camera moves sideways slowly to reveal Stuart behind Kevin.)
The true significance of high school became more clear to me.
Wow, you really flattened that little kid back there. That must have cost you ten points.
I know, Stuart! I know...
backseat For instance, where else would they give you a back-seat driver, for driver education?
Boy, isn't high school great? Ya know, they're gonna have an assembly next week.
(Kevin turns around toward Stuart.)
Stuart. We're coming up to a 4-way stop sign. Can we cut the small-talk?
Well, yeah, sure...
You might want to watch out for that truck!
(Kevin swerves violently.)
But traffic wasn't my only problem.

(Kevin exits the restroom and walks up the hallway. His hair and shirt are wet from getting "the boosh". He is joined by Stuart who has come down the stairs.)
goaway Hey, Kev, wait up! I want to know if you're going to the football game tonight. You know, afterwards, I hear they're gonna toilet-paper Cheryl Manning's house.
Go away, Stuart.
You remember her. You hit her in the head with a tetherball once.
Go away!
Gee, Kev, your hair's all wet. You know, speaking to you as a friend, you should really -
Look, Stuart, don't you get it? We're not friends. Just because you sat behind me in the fourth grade doesn't mean we're friends - we weren't even friends then! So why don't you get someone else to hang around with, OK? 'Cause I can't take it any more! Do you hear me?

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11/26/14 18:50