(On the road to the company picnic.)
NORMA: You know, honey, I am really looking forward to this. It's been years since I've seen the old gang.
JACK: Like who?
NORMA: Well, like...Charlie Wilson, from accounting. You think he's gonna be there?
JACK: Retired.
NORMA: What about Al Pinella? He had that lovely wife, Nancy...
JACK: Sacked.
NORMA: Ed Berwitz?
JACK: Dead. And that about covered the full range of possibilities.
JACK: Detweiler'll be there, though.
KAREN: Harry Detweiler? Harry Detweiler - the office clown. Big on palm-buzzers and whoopie-cushions. The one Dad had always referred to as -
KEVIN: Mr. Deadwood, huh, Dad? (Smiles.)
*
MR. DETWEILER: Say, you remember my daughter, don't you? - Mimi, over here! (Points.) It's Kevin Ar-nold! Great. The only thing worse than Detweiler was his kid. Mimi the tomboy, the one we used to call "The Stick".
(Swell of music as Mimi bounces over in slow-motion.)
MIMI: Kevin? Hi.
(Kevin looks surprised.)
KEVIN: Mimi?
(Mimi nods slightly.)
MIMI: Do you like boating? Did I like boating?
(Sound of a boat horn.) Admiral Arnold to my close naval associates.
*
I didn't do much the rest of that afternoon. Took a long walk, got stung by a hornet. Did some thinking. I couldn't understand what was happening. To me...to my family.
(Kevin approaches Wayne, sitting by himself glumly.)
KEVIN: Wayne? (Long pause.) Where's Angela?
WAYNE: Shut up, butthead. Which, I guess, was Wayne's way of saying he'd been dumped.
WAYNE: I can't believe it.
KEVIN: I'm sorry.
WAYNE: Eat it. I don't get it - what did I do?
KEVIN: Well, you -
WAYNE: You shut up, OK?
KEVIN: OK...
WAYNE: Nobody liked her anyway. The aweful thing was - it was true.
WAYNE: Why do these things always happen to me? Maybe it was the cry of every kid who'd ever put on long pants. Who'd ever had his heart-broken - who'd ever been disappointed. In any event...
KEVIN: I know what you mean. (Smiles.)
(Wayne frowns at Kevin, then smiles.) For that one moment, I actually felt...close...to my brother.
(Jack approaches, accompanied by thunder and lightning.)
WAYNE: I'm outta here! (Exits.) It's funny - the thoughts that go through your head in those moments before death. I remembered Winnie. I wondered - who was gonna feed my fish?
KEVIN: Hi, Dad! As it turned out though, Dad hadn't come to kill me.
JACK: Guess you heard about Detweiler.
KEVIN: Uh...
JACK: Sorry. And then I realized - I guess Dad wore long pants, too.
KEVIN: It's OK, Dad.
(Jack touches his bandaged forehead.)
JACK: Was a lucky shot, back there.
KEVIN: Shoulda ducked.
JACK: Yeah...
(Jack sits down, puts his head on his fists, and sighs.)
JACK: Don't ever get old, Kev. I wasn't sure whether he meant me, or him. I guess we both knew it didn't really matter. We didn't have a choice.
*
Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves...for growing up.
Once upon a time life was simple. Evolutionarily speaking. Then, things began to change. The competition got tougher. There were winners...and losers. The struggle continued. Then in the fall of 1970, a new creature appeared...the likes of which had never been seen before. Noble, upright, virtuous. Ninth-grade man. Master of all he surveyed.
(In the Pizza Barn.)
PAUL: Patchy dry spots! I'm getting patchy dry spots.
KEVIN: Relax, Paul. You're just having back-to-school jitters. By tomorrow you'll be fine.
PAUL: Sure. Only...what if something goes wrong? What if I wear the wrong clothes? What if I forget...?
KEVIN: Paul!
PAUL: I got to go put on some ointment. OK, so not everyone shared my sense of well-being. That was understandable. Not everyone had a steady girl like mine. Winnie Cooper. So long as we had each other, we had nothing to fear.
WINNIE: I'm scared.
KEVIN: What?
WINNIE: Well, I am.
KEVIN: Winnie, stop worrying. Everybody's gonna like you.
WINNIE: That's easy for you to say. You're not starting in a new school. All the strange classrooms. The strange people. And you'll be so far away. You won't forget about me, will you?
KEVIN: What?!
WINNIE: Will you think about me?
KEVIN: Of course I'll think about you!
WINNIE: Think about me every hour. On the hour. And I'll think about you.
KEVIN: Winnie...!
WINNIE: Promise? Every hour?
KEVIN: I promise. Sure. I'd promise her the world. Why not? I was ninth-grade man. And I was ready. For anything.
*
KEVIN: Tony?
PAUL: Barbella?
TONY: Welcome back.
PAUL (To Kevin): I thought he graduated...
TONY: I graduate every year.
*
(Kevin is running laps in street clothes.) Well, think of it this way. Every cloud has a silver lining. The way this day was going, I was probably better off being alone.
(Kevin hears the sound of running hoofs. Kevin looks over his shoulder and sees a herd of girls, led by Becky, behind him.) And suddenly I knew what Custer felt like. Great Sitting Bull herself. And she was gaining on me.
(They are running side-by-side.) Instinctively I knew - this was a challenge, a test - and I was up to it. Sure, it was dumb. But at that moment, all I knew was - I had to win!
(Girls are watching, and cheering for Becky.) I pulled up even. I pulled ahead. As we rounded that final turn, I felt like I had wings. Sure, maybe I couldn't find a locker. Maybe I was stuck in shop...But I was gonna beat this girl. And I was gonna win this race.
(Kevin crosses the finish line first.) This was going to be a massacre.
(Theme from "2001" plays throughout as Kevin jumps up and down in victory, with his arms up. Becky frowns at Kevin.) Heh-heh. No hard feelings, huh "Slates"?
(Kevin walks toward Becky.)
KEVIN: Ughhhhh...
(Becky retracts her fist from Kevin's stomach. Kevin collapses. Becky smiles and walks away.)
*
MADELINE: Kevin?
KEVIN: Madeline? She'd seen the whole thing...the whole humiliating episode! It was pretty clear that she'd just come over to laugh at me.
MADELINE: I just came over to thank you...
KEVIN: Huh?
MADELINE: For being nice to me. You don't know how hard it is to be the new girl in school.
*
Ninth-grade man. Noble, upright, virtuous. I went into my last year of junior high thinking I knew all the answers. And suddenly all I had were questions. Plus a dislocated thumb. It's funny. I remembered the time when I knew who I was. But that was eight hours ago. Suddenly I felt on the outside, looking in. Looking for...
(Winnie is alone at a table, looking away. She spots Kevin, and smiles and waves.) Winnie.
WINNIE: Hi!
KEVIN: Hi.
WINNIE: How was your day? I wanted to tell her everything, every bit of it. All the setbacks, all the screw-ups.
KEVIN: Fine. Heck. I knew she'd understand.
KEVIN: How about yours?
WINNIE: OK.
(Winnie rests her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes.) After all when you are fourteen, you can't always put words to life. All I knew was - I felt home again.
(Madeline pauses at the edge of the table. Kevin looks up with some trepidation. Kevin glances after her, then looks forward somberly. Madeline walks to the jukebox, leans against it, and looks over her shoulder at Kevin and Winnie. Winnie's eyes flutter open.)
WINNIE: You don't know how hard it is to be the new girl in school.
(Kevin knocks three times on Madeline's door. It opens almost immediately, revealing Madeline holding a mixing bowl.) It was time to study French.
MADELINE: Bon jour, Kevin.
(Kevin looks on with awe. The camera pans up from the mixing bowl to Madeline's face. She has tied her white blouse up, revealing her stomach.) In our underwear.
KEVIN: Oh.
(Madeline notices his gaze.)
MADELINE: Oh, this!
(She looks at her clothes.)
MADELINE: I am sorry that I'm such a mess. But I really didn't have a chance to get fixed up. (Nods.) Oh.
KEVIN: Oh.
MADELINE: And since it is school night and we'll be cooking, I figured why worry about clothes. (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Oh, uh, sure. Sure that explained it. Why worry about clothes...?
MADELINE: Here! You just stir and leave everything else to me. OK? And even so, a little voice inside was telling me to watch my step.
MADELINE: Entrez! I guess little voices don't speak French.
*
KEVIN: It's kind of funny, isn't it?
MADELINE: What's funny?
KEVIN: Oh, well, you know, how you and me were paired up. It's kind of a...coincidence. You know? And then it happened.
MADELINE: What makes you think it was a coincidence?
KEVIN: Oh, well, you picked my name and...
(Madeline takes off her apron. Kevin gets nervous.)
KEVIN: Eh, I think I better go.
MADELINE: Come on! We haven't even tasted it yet.
KEVIN: No, no, I...
(Madeline licks her finger and smiles.)
MADELINE: Mmmmm.
(Madeline puts her finger inches from Kevin's mouth.)
KEVIN: I...
MADELINE: Go ahead...Taste it!
KEVIN: I-I gotta go. (Exits.)
*
(At Winnie's bus stop.)
WINNIE: Kevin, what are you doing here?
KEVIN: I-I was just riding my bike. Guess I got a little lost. Which was true in more ways than one.
KEVIN: Oh! I was thinking about you. Which was true, too.
WINNIE: Well, that's nice. And it was nice. It made me feel sure again. Made me feel brave.
WINNIE: So, how did it go last night?
(Flashback of "Taste it!") Made me feel like throwing up.
(Kevin looks away a bit guiltily.)
KEVIN: Uh, yeah, it went OK. Just a lot of cooking more or less. (Smiles.)
WINNIE: What did you make?
(Kevin tries to sound nonchalant.)
KEVIN: Nothing special. Just, you know, chocolate mousse.
WINNIE: Oh, that sounds delicious! (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Probably - but I-I didn't taste it!
*
(In the theater, Kevin sees Madeline approaching.)
WINNIE: Kevin, are you alright?
KEVIN: Me?
WINNIE: You're all sweaty. Are you sick?
KEVIN: Uh, I...well...
WINNIE: Maybe we should leave. But at that moment I knew leaving wouldn't solve the problem.
(Madeline sits behind them.) There was no escape from this. I had reached the dead end.
KEVIN: Listen Winnie, we have to talk. About my bracelet. You see, I, I kinda...
(Madeline's hand reaches out between them.)
MADELINE: Excuse me. I think you dropped this.
(Winnie takes the bracelet out of Madeline's hand.)
WINNIE: Thank you!
MADELINE: It's very nice.
WINNIE: I gave it to him.
MADELINE: Well, it must be nice to have someone you love like that.
WINNIE: That was so nice of her, wasn't it?
I was gonna make the best of this - come hell or high water.
WOMAN: And now everyone, it's time for our Sweetheart Waltz. And then the rains came.
WOMAN: And leading us off will be Deborah Pfeiffer and Kevin Arnold.
DEBBIE: See, I told you I felt lucky! There was just one small problem here - I didn't know how to waltz.
DEBBIE: Come on! So, in front of 200,000 gawking seventh-graders, I prepared to make a fool of myself. It was humiliating. There I was, Kevin Arnold, teen hero, stumbling like a lame duck through the single longest waltz in recorded history. And to make matters worse, I was being led through it, step by clumsy step...by a little girl.
(Dance ends.) But at least now the hard part was over. Now, finally, little Debbie would realize her hero had two left feet - both of them clay.
DEBBIE: Kevin you were great!
KEVIN: Huh?
DEBBIE: Oh, Kevin, this must be the most wonderful night of my life! You and me waltzing - I feel just like Cinderella. That's when I knew, once and for all...
(Debbie takes off her glasses and smiles at Kevin.) Debbie Pfeiffer's love for me...was blind.
*
KEVIN: What are you guys doin' here?
RANDY: Bad news, Kev.
KEVIN: Was it the game? Did we lose?
DOUG: Worse.
KEVIN: Worse?
RANDY: Paul...you had the binoculars - you tell him.
PAUL: Well, when we got to the game... And thus Paul launched into a story I was to hear over and over again, at cocktail parties and class reunions. A tale of woe. The subject?
PAUL: It was Deanna...Deanna Delgado... According to Paul, it happened in mere seconds. Something that broke young mens' hearts, and shattered long-held illusions. Something slipped through Deanna's sweater. And in the light of this horrible revelation, a new conciousness was born. A single undeniable truth.
RANDY: Deanna Delgado...stuffs!
DOUG: Falsies.
PAUL: They looked so...real! It was a moment of rare understanding - sympathy for a dream lost.
Everybody know politics is a dirty business. Yet our greatest national heroes have always been politicians. Maybe there's a reason for that. Maybe it takes a certain kind of person to get down in the mud...and come out with the bricks of statecraft. After all, in America, they say any kid can grow up to be president. What they don't say...is how.
*
Facts were facts. It was time to face the truth. Take my medicine like a man.
BECKY: Kevin? And the doctor was in.
BECKY: I just dropped over to see how things were going.
KEVIN: Well...
PAUL: I'll handle this. For your information, Becky, our campaign is going quite well.
BECKY: Really?! That's odd. I didn't realize Kevin was still in the race.
PAUL: Hey, we're doing OK!
KEVIN: Guys!
(Becky sits on Kevin's posters.)
BECKY: Maybe you'd like me to throw some votes your way - just to make it exciting.
PAUL: He doesn't need your votes, thank you very much.
BECKY: Well, don't say I didn't offer.
(Becky stands up. The posters are stuck to her dress.) And that was that. It was hopeless. This race was over.
(Kids start to laugh and point at Becky.) Except, maybe it wasn't.
Winnie Cooper and I had been through it all. The good times, bad times, the ups and downs. And we were still together.
KEVIN: OK, you're right. (He smiles.) Satisfied?
(Winnie smiles teasingly.)
WINNIE: I knew it! You can't fool me - I know that look on your face. We'd known each other since we were kids. And to me she was still the girl next door - even though she didn't live next door anymore.
KEVIN: Hey, did you know Patsy Paddock broke up with Jim *Reed*?
WINNIE: Really? I didn't even know they were going steady.
KEVIN: Well, they are - I mean, or were.
WINNIE: Oh, then I guess it's too bad they split up. Fact is now that we were going to a different schools, there were a few obstacles to overcome. Things like basic communication.
WINNIE: Brian Burns got suspended from school for two weeks for smoking in the boys' room.
KEVIN: No kidding? Who's Brian Burns?
ROGER: Hey, Winnie!
WINNIE: Hi! (She waves.)
KEVIN: Who are they?
WINNIE: Just some kids from Lincoln.
KEVIN: Oh. But even if our lives had changed, we knew it didn't matter.
(Winnie is looking at her friends.)
KEVIN: Winnie?
WINNIE: I'm sorry. What were you going to say?
KEVIN: Never mind. We'd been together too long to let time and distance come between us. And if Winnie had her life, well...so be it. After all...I had mine, too.
*
(At the museum.)
KEVIN: Are you going to spend the whole day waving at them?
(Winnie frowns at Kevin.) Oops!
KEVIN: I mean, I just thought we were here together, you know?
WINNIE: I know, I'm sorry.
*
KEVIN: I don't get it. What's so special about them?
EXHIBIT FILM (V/O): The continents began to drift. And suddenly, the temperature fell.
WINNIE: I don't know. They're just real nice.
KEVIN: Yeah, real nice, real nice...They make a cute couple.
WINNIE: Except they're not a couple.
KEVIN: Couple, not a couple. Winnie, who cares? You don't see me talking to my friends, do you?
(Winnie looks offended. Paul comes up behind Kevin.)
PAUL: Hi, Kevin. Hi, Winnie!
(Randy and Doug are next to Paul.)
EXHIBIT FILM (V/O): New life forms began to appear. OK, OK. Bad timing.
KEVIN: Uh...Hi, guys.
*
(Later,Winnie has run off, after seeing Madeline and Kevin together. Kevin finds her in the parking lot.)
KEVIN: Winnie! Wait! Can we talk about this?
WINNIE: I don't know.
KEVIN: Look... I wanted to tell her she was the only one. That she had always been the only one. Ever since we were kids. Ever since she lived across the street.
WINNIE: I don't know what to say to you.
KEVIN: Winnie, it's not what you think.
WINNIE: I never thought this could happen to me!
KEVIN: Believe me. Nothing's happened.
WINNIE: Yes. It has.
(Winnie starts to cry.)
WINNIE: Kevin...I've met someone!
KEVIN: Wh...?
WINNIE: Oh, Kevin. I'm sorry.
KEVIN: This is all a mistake!
PAUL: Huh?
KEVIN: What happened - with Winnie and me?
PAUL: Oh, that.
KEVIN: It's just a big understanding, right?
PAUL: Well...
KEVIN: She's probably just mad at me. Don't you think?
PAUL: Kev...
KEVIN: Yeah?
PAUL: It's over.
KEVIN: What?
PAUL: Well, I'm sorry, but that's what I think. I mean it's pretty clear. She met this guy...she likes him better...
KEVIN: Who asked you?!
PAUL: Well, you did. Remember?
KEVIN: That's not the point.
PETER: Hey, Arnold! Heard the "Super Cooper" dropped you like a rotten egg. Sorry!
KEVIN: Great. One little tiff with my girlfriend, and suddenly I'm headline news.
PAUL: Kev? Maybe you should just...accept it.
KEVIN: Yeah? Well, I don't, OK?! Hey, I was fourteen. Acceptance was not exactly a major part of my emotional repertoire. What I needed was a little support - a sympathetic ear.
MADELINE: Kevin? A wolf in sheep's clothing.
KEVIN: Madeline!
MADELINE: I'm sorry about what happened with you and Winnie. I guess...breaking up is hard to do.
KEVIN: Yeah. Well we're not really broken up.
MADELINE: Oh. I just thought...
KEVIN: Yeah. Well it's not like that, OK? (Smiles.) We're just working it out.
MADELINE: Well if you want to talk...I'm always available.
KEVIN: Thanks, but I won't need that. The whole thing has been blown out of proportion.
*
(At a party. Kevin has brought Madeline as his date, to make Winnie jealous.) The gauntlet was down. I had no choice but to become the life of that party. I danced with abandon. I answered the question on everybody's lips. "Is there life after Winnie Cooper?" You better believe it! Kevin Arnold was a fun-loving guy with a beautiful date.
(Kevin is dancing again, showing off for Madeline, and bumps into a girl, spilling her drink. Everybody looks at Kevin.) No doubt about it. I was the center of attention.
KEVIN: Sorry.
PAUL: Maybe it's time for you to take a breather, Kev.
KEVIN: Hey! Is this a party or what?
PAUL: I don't get it. Sheesh. What was this guy's problem?
(Kevin turns toward Winnie. She looks away.) I wasn't hurting anybody.
(Kevin approaches Madeline, who is looking down.)
KEVIN: Do you want to dance?
MADELINE: That depends.
KEVIN: What do you mean?
MADELINE: Are you going to be dancing with me...or her?
KEVIN: What are you talking about?
MADELINE: Maybe it's time you made up your mind. About Winnie.
KEVIN: Huh?
MADELINE: She's making a fool of you.
(Winnie and Roger start to dance. Kevin watches Winnie and smiles. Madeline notices him looking at Winnie and rolls her eyes.)
MADELINE: Kevin! Find me when you make up your mind. (Exits.)
Every American family has its own unique blend of personalities. My family was no exception. Within our four suburban walls...we ranged the full spectrum of types.
(The camera pans across Jack, Norma, Wayne and Kevin.) From the flamboyant...to the demure. From the repellant...to the ideal. Somehow, we managed to fit together in a kind of fragile alliance. One for all, and all for one. With one exception.
(Buster barks.)
KEVIN: Buster! Buster - the family dog. When he was little...he was...cute. Everyone wanted to cuddle him. He was the perfect puppy. Then something happened. Buster...grew up. Suddenly he wasn't so cute.
(Buster barks. Jack leans forward and turns toward Kevin.)
JACK: Kevin!
(Norma leans forward and turns.)
NORMA: Honey!
(Wayne leans forward and turns.)
WAYNE: Scrote!
*
KEVIN: Mom? Dad? Wayne? I took Buster to the vet.
WAYNE: And?
KEVIN: Well...
NORMA: Honey? Is there something wrong with him?
KEVIN: Well, nothing that can't be fixed. I mean... There was no sense holding back. This was a family issue. A matter for the alliance.
KEVIN: Well... So...I told them.
KEVIN: She said it was the conscientious thing to do. I explained to them exactly what was involved...making every detail crystal-clear.
(Jack frowns and squirms.) And, when it was over...
(Jack and Wayne cross their legs, uncomfortably.) Seemed the decision was pretty much up to them.
JACK: That's what she said, huh?
KEVIN: Uh-huh. But at least the burden was off me. This problem was too big for one small kid. My family would handle it now, together - one for all...all for one.
WAYNE: May I be excused?
NORMA: I should go finish the laundry.
JACK: Um...there's a...lightbulb in the bedroom, uh...that needs to be replaced.
*
NORMA: Kevin?! Where have you been?!
KEVIN: I was at the park. Buster got loose...I had to chase 'em.
JACK: Saw what he did? I'll be up all night, trying to...patch this thing together.
KEVIN: I'm sorry... But somehow, Dad's report didn't seem all that important anymore.
WAYNE: Hey...where's the pooch?
KEVIN: He ran away. I think he wanted to. I let him down. I think we all let him down.
JACK: I'll get my coat.
*
(The Arnold's are driving around, looking for Buster.) That night, I think we all realized something. About Buster. About ourselves. About being a family. Sometimes it's not enough just to enjoy the good times...the cute times. Sometimes it's when your puppies grow up that the work begins. The hard decisions.
(The car pulls to the curb. Jack sighs.)
JACK: OK. We'll look again tomorrow when it's light.
The biggest thing in a young boys world...is his dad. The "big enchilada". You do what he says. You do what he does. He's your guide through the mysteries of manhood - your confidant. Your pal - until the day comes when -
(Kevin is at the bathroom mirror as Jack opens the door, holding a cross-word puzzle.)
JACK: Oh!
KEVIN: Uh...
JACK: You in here?
(They smile at each other uncomfortably, and Jack exits.) For some reason, things change.
(Evening on the couch.) Your confidant becomes...that guy on the other end of the couch.
(Kevin and Jack glance at each other.) You stop communicating. Except through an interpreter.
NORMA: Kevin, how'd you do on your test today?
KEVIN: Fine, Mom.
NORMA: You hear that, honey? Kevin did well on his French test.
(Jack says nothing. Kevin looks at him.)
NORMA: Jack, did you tell Kevin about your trip to Cincinnati?
(Jack turns toward Kevin.)
JACK: Rained.
KEVIN: Uh-huh.
JACK: Cold.
KEVIN: Uh-huh.
NORMA: Well, I guess that roasting pan has soaked long enough. Even a skilled mediator can't always bridge the widening gulf.
(Go-go dancers on TV. Jack chuckles, Kevin smiles.) Truth is, when you're fourteen, the absolute worst part of being with your dad...is being with your dad.
(They look at each other.)
KEVIN: I gotta study.
JACK: I gotta work. And you never, ever, want to be alone with each other.
*
(Jack and Kevin have spent about six hours trying to get to the clothes store to buy a suit for Kevin. They arrive just as the store closes.) Three hours, six wrong turns, and two gas-stations later...
(A tire pops, hissing out air and flattening. The car lists to one side, as Kevin and Jack look at each other.) Somebody...finally...spoke.
JACK: I'll get the lug-wrench.
KEVIN: You need any help with that?
JACK: I can handle it.
KEVIN: Dad, can't you just lower -
JACK: I said I can handle it! I stood there, feeling like...a fifth-wheel. Not even that.
JACK: Awright...gimme some room...
(Jack strains on the lug-wrench.)
JACK: Great. Lug-nut's jammed. Damn thing won't budge!
(Jack strains on the wrench.)
JACK: Might as well be...welded on...solid.
(Jack sighs and stands up.)
JACK: How could this have happened? He probably meant that to be rhetorical. Still...
KEVIN: Probably because you didn't listen to that guy back at the gas-station! (Nods.)
(Jack wipes his forehead slowly, then looks at Kevin.) I seemed to feel the need to shoot off my big mouth.
JACK: What?!
KEVIN: Well...you should've...
JACK: Let me tell ya something, Kevin! We wouldn't be here...
(Jack shakes the lug-wrench.)
JACK: If it wasn't for that damn suit of yours!
KEVIN: My suit! (Frowns.) Look - I didn't even want to come here!
JACK: Well, neither did I! Travellin' half-way around the country!
KEVIN: Yeah, well...(gestures)...that's because you got us lost!
JACK: I did not get us lost!
KEVIN: Did so!
JACK: I did not!
KEVIN: Did so!
JACK: Dammit!
(Jack turns away and points with the lug-wrench.)
JACK: Does this look like we're lost?! But the aweful truth was...we we're. He knew it...And I knew it. We were lost - in a way that had nothing to do with Rand-McNally, or Route 22-B.
I knew the walk. I knew the talk. I had my own kinda...style. But like a lot of cool kids my age, I did have one tragic flaw. One secret that threatened the very fabric of my fragile image. I, Kevin Arnold...
NORMA: Hi, honey!
KEVIN: Hi, Mom. Had a mom.
NORMA: Did you have a good day at school?
KEVIN: Yeah.
NORMA: Well, I'm glad. Don't get me wrong - I liked my mother. She was good to me.
NORMA: Hungry?
KEVIN: Nah...
(Norma tilts her head and smiles.)
KEVIN: Well, a little.
NORMA: Good! I made you a grilled-cheese sandwich! She made me grilled-cheese sandwiches...
NORMA: Milk?
KEVIN: Thanks! She poured my milk...
NORMA: Oh - and I sewed that button on the shirt that you like - so you can wear it tomorrow. She sewed my buttons...
KEVIN: That's great, Mom.
NORMA: And, I went shopping for you today.
KEVIN: You did?
NORMA: Uh-huh. Face it. The woman loved me. She knew me better than anyone in the world. Which of course...was the problem.
NORMA: Look! Underpants! (Smiles.) Your favorite kind! She knew...too much.
NORMA: Kevin? Are those Wayne's socks you're wearing?
(Kevin looks, Wayne laughs.)
NORMA: You know - now that I think of it - I may have mixed up your bureau drawers yesterday. Did you boys notice whose underwear you put on this morning?
(Music of doom. Cut to sidewalk with Doug and Paul.)
DOUG: You wore his underwear? Ewww!
KEVIN: Look, just...don't remind me about it, OK?
DOUG: Man! I think I'd kill myself!
PAUL: Come on, guys - cut it out. I mean, it's not that bad.
DOUG: Oh, yeah? What could be worse?
PAUL: Well, lemme see...
KEVIN: Paul, just drop it, OK?
Any kid who's ever been to junior high school knows one great universal truth - image is everything. Who you are is pretty much who you appear to be. And who you appear to be is pretty much a matter of hard work and careful planning. For most kids, anyway. Meet Peter Armbruster - otherwise known as..."Pig".
PETER: Let's eat!
(Peter takes a big bite of hotdog, and waves at Kevin.)
PETER: Hey, guys.
KEVIN: Hey, Peter.
PAUL: Hey, Peter. Not that anyone ever called him "Pig" to his face. Still...
PAUL: Oh my God! He's gonna go for all five! As images go, it wasn't pretty.
(Peter talks with his mouth full of French fries.)
PETER: Woops - ketchup!
(Peter goes for ketchup.)
PETER: Excuse me! Face it. In the looks-conscious world of ninth-grade...
(A boy bumps into Peter, and Peter drops something on the floor.)
BOY: Watch it, man! There was only one way to sum up a guy like Peter.
(Peter shrugs and sighs.)
PETER: Uh-oh.
(Peter bends over to pick up the item, and shows his butt-crack to Kevin and Paul.)
KEVIN & PAUL: Ohhhhhhh! He just didn't seem to care.
*
MR. DIPERNA: Did you honestly think you were gonna get away with this prank?
KEVIN: Prank?
MR. DIPERNA: "Oink! Oink!"
KEVIN: Uh...
MR. DIPERNA: Did you honestly think that was funny?!
KEVIN: Well...No! I mean, I guess you...kinda had to be there. But that's -
MR. DIPERNA: Luckily, not all your fellow students share in your brand of humor, Arnold. Wait a minute - what was this guy saying?
MR. DIPERNA: Some of the more conscientious members of the yearbook editorial staff told me you were trying to sneak this quote in.
KEVIN: Brad and Marcy said that?
MR. DIPERNA: It's not important who said it - the important thing is that you didn't get away with it. My only question now is...what length detention you deserve? (Long pause.) Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
KEVIN: Well...I.... But there was really only one thing to say.
KEVIN: I'm sorry.
*
PETER: Hey, Kevin! Call me "Pig". Everybody else does!
There are things about your childhood you hold on to, because they were so much a part of you. The places you went, the people you knew. Somewhere, in every memory I had, was Winnie Cooper. She was a part of me, and I was a part of her. By the end of ninth grade I knew everything about her. What I didn't know was that she was falling apart.
*
(At the roller-skating rink.) I decided to devote my life to skating. Skating was simple really. As opposed to, say, Winnie.
(Kevin falls down and Winnie approaches him.)
WINNIE: Are you OK?
KEVIN: Yeah. I'm fine.
WINNIE: It was a pretty bad spill.
KEVIN: Yeah, well, thanks for asking!
WINNIE: Kevin? Oh no.
WINNIE: Can we talk? And here we went again.
WINNIE: I guess you think I've been acting kind of weird lately.
KEVIN: Well, no...(frowns)...Yes.
WINNIE: I wish I could explain -
KEVIN: Yeah, well why don't you try then?
WINNIE: It's just...(Gestures.) And for a second I thought I might actually get an answer.
JUNIOR: Hey Winnie! Hey, come on, we're goin' for a drive!
WINNIE: Great! I gotta go...
KEVIN: Winnie! Stop.
WINNIE: Kevin, you're scaring me!
KEVIN: What's going on?
WINNIE: I don't know what you mean...
KEVIN: Winnie, I know you. Or I used to know you, and you're not acting like yourself!
WINNIE: How am I supposed to act?
KEVIN: Like you! Like the Winnie Cooper I know!
WINNIE: Kevin, let me go.
KEVIN: No! Why are you acting like this?
WINNIE: Because when I act like myself, everything goes bad!
KEVIN: What?
WINNIE: I just want to forget the past three years!
KEVIN: What about me?
WINNIE: You just don't understand.
KEVIN: Well, what do you want me to say? (Gestures.)
WINNIE: Nothing! The funny thing is, those three years had been the best years of my whole life.
*
(Winnie was in a car accident. Kevin is waiting for the Cooper's at their house as they pull up.)
MR. COOPER: Kevin?
KEVIN: Mr. Cooper! Is she all right?
MR. COOPER: Well, it's a broken leg and some cuts. She's gonna need some time to recover. She'll be OK.
KEVIN: Can I see her?
MRS. COOPER: Hello Kevin.
KEVIN: Mrs. Cooper, may I talk to her?
MR. COOPER: Kevin, maybe you should go home now.
KEVIN: What?
MRS. COOPER: Kevin, Winnie doesn't want to see you right now.
KEVIN: Wh...but that's impossible. I know she wants to see me. (Smiles.)
MRS. COOPER: Kevin...Please go home. And I guess that's when I finally understood. I'd been part of Winnie's past - a past she wanted to forget. And now...there was nothing to do...but go. Only I didn't...I couldn't. There are things in a life that matter, things in a past which can't be denied. Winnie Cooper was part of me, and I was part of her. And no matter what, for as long as we lived, I knew I could never let her go.
