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My Favorite Quotes...and writing.

Note: Not all are humorous. More quotes are in the "Clips"

Fact! ********* Bingo!

That's When It Hit Me

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(Ep 1 - "Pilot")

(Paul and Kevin are looking at the "woman's" book "Our Bodies, Our Selves".)
PAUL: Holy cow!
KEVIN: Try not to drool on it, OK? If Karen finds out I have this, she'll kill me.
Paul and I decided that the best way to prepare for junior high school girls was to look at them naked.
*

Homeroom. I sat between Eric Antonio and Gail Aslanian. They had met on the bus and had taken a liking to each other.
ERIC: I love you.
GAIL: I love you, too.
(They move in to kiss. Kevin interrupts.)
KEVIN: And I love you both, but I'm having a little trouble breathing here.
I was about to have my first sexual experience, and I wasn't even one of the principle players.
*

In one of those quirks of scheduling, my first class was gym. This meant that I had to wake up in the morning, shower, get dressed, go to school, get undressed, shower and get dressed - all in the space of about 45 minutes.
MR. CUTLIP: Well, people. A lot of you probably think...this is gym class, huh?
I was overwhelmed by a sudden panic. Things hadn't been going that well so far but if this wasn't gym class I was in bigger trouble than I thought.
MR. CUTLIP: Well it's not. People, it's physical education class. Through those doors they educate your minds. In here, I educate your bodies. I'm an educator, OK? A body educator.

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(Ep 2 - "Swingers")


Life's two greatest forces, love and death, were tearing me apart - at the waist.
*

WAYNE: Ha, working on your sex education I see. Not sure you boys are old enough for this.
(Wayne snatches the book from Kevin.)
KEVIN: Give it back, Wayne.
WAYNE: Let's see, oh pretty hot stuff. Ya know I bet the guys who wrote this stuff have never even been to second base.
PAUL: Well, what's that supposed to mean?
WAYNE: You don't know what second base is?
KEVIN: Course we know what second base is, sort of.
And then with an air of authority that only an idiot, or an older brother, can have...Wayne proceeded to elaborate a baseball metaphor that changed the way we looked at women - and baseball - forever.
(Wayne swings an imaginary baseball bat. The boys follow the imaginary homerun.)
WAYNE: And I'm telling you, everybody gets to at least second base by the seventh grade.
This was a lot of pressure. Especially since most of the girls we knew had no second bases.

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(Ep 3 - "My Father's Office")


KEVIN: When did you decide you wanted to become a manager of distribution and product support services?
JACK: Hah! (Smiles.) Sorry. Just a funny sort of a thought - really wanting to be manager of distribution and product support services. I mean it's a good job, but, uh...it's not what I thought I'd be doing with my life.
KEVIN: What did you want to do?
JACK: What - are you kiddin'? A professional baseball player.
KEVIN: No, really.
JACK: Really? Well, I...did have a fallback position...
KEVIN: This job?
JACK: No. Not this job. I never told anybody this before...not even your mother. When I was your age, I wanted to be a captain of a ship.
KEVIN: A captain of a ship?
JACK: Yeah. Ya know, one of those big oceanliners...or a freighter...or an oil tanker...Be out there on the ocean in the middle of the night, navigating by the stars. Course, they use instruments for all that now, but...I didn't know that. Yeah, thought it would be the greatest thing in the world.
KEVIN: How come you didn't do it?
JACK: How come? Well, ya know...one thing leads to another...went off to college...met your mom. Next summer I got a job on a loading dock here at NORCOM. Rest is history.
KEVIN: You'd have made a great ship's captain, Dad.
JACK: Nahhhh - probably not. Probably get sea sick. Huh. Ya know, Kevin, you can't do every silly little thing in life. You have to make your choices...you have to try to be happy with them.

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(Ep 4 - "Angel")


For two weeks, all we heard was "Louis says this" and "Louis says that". Then one day, we all got to meet him.
(Louis parks his VW bus, gets out, and tosses his felt hat onto the seat.)
This...was Louis. He was a junior at the State university, an honor-student at political philosophy, active in student government and various non-profit social causes. But I didn't know that. All I knew was that he was on my sister like mold on cheese.

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(Ep 5 - "The Phone Call")


(Kevin is trying to work up the courage to call "a really cute 12-year-old girl".)
I realized then, that there were special things a man says to a woman.
(Kevin dials the phone.)
KEVIN: Ugh!
(He slams down the phone.)
I also realized I had no idea what those things were.
*

KEVIN: Dad, I'm calling about returning a tie.
As he looked at me, I knew we both sensed the cycle of family history poignantly repeating itself.
JACK: Since when do you wear ties? Don't touch my pens.
*

Well, I still had one minute before eight o'clock. If I had a shred of manhood in me I would call her now.
(Kevin picks up the phone and dials. Sound of a heart beating.)
T minus seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...
(Shot of Lisa in her room.)
LISA: Hello.....This is Lisa.....Kevin who? Kevin Arnold?
(Lisa smiles, then looks at her friend next to her. She holds the phone against herself.)
LISA: Who's Kevin Arnold?
(Lisa's friend whispers something.)
LISA: Oh, hi, Kevin.
(Lisa looks at her friends.)
LISA: Hey, you guys. You've got to hear this.
(Her friends gather around her.)
LISA: I'm fine Kevin, how are you? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You don't say.
(Lisa giggles. Her friends start laughing. A crowd has gathered around Lisa, including Mrs. Ritvo, Mr. Katz, Tommy Rygot, and two newscasters.)
(Shot of Kevin panicking, then back to Lisa's room.)
NEWSCASTER FRANK: We're here live at the Lisa Berlini house where Lisa is talking to Kevin Arnold on the telephone. Jim, maybe you have an answer to the question we've been wondering about. Why would Kevin call Lisa when it's so obvious she thinks he's a total jerk?
(The crowd begins to laugh uncontrollably.)
NEWSCASTER JIM: I really don't know Frank, but if we put our microphone up close to the phone we can actually listen in on the call, although I don't know if our audience will be able to hear above all this laughing.
(Shot of Kevin frowning. The phone is still ringing. Kevin slams down the handset.)
Eight o'clock had come and gone. I guess...I just couldn't do it.

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(Ep 6 - "Dance With Me")


I had assumed my standard homeroom position - drooling in the general direction of Lisa Berlini.
*

Sitting alone outside the school, I kept wondering what it would be like if I had asked Winnie first. Had I meant anything at all to her? How could she have forgotten me so quickly?
("Boink!" sound effect.)
WINNIE as JEANNIE: Oh, Master! Why so glum?
(Shot changes to black-and-white. Winnie, dressed as Jeannie, is standing next to Kevin. She approaches and sits down.)
WINNIE as JEANNIE: Please don't be upset with me, Master! I only wish to please you! (TV laugh-track.)
KEVIN: Huh?
WINNIE as JEANNIE: I was only using him to make you jealous. (More laugh-track.)
KEVIN: I knew it! (Frowns.) How could you slow-dance with him?! You never even said a word to me all n -
("Boink!" sound effect as "Jeannie" is popped out of the scene. The picture changes back to color.)
Well, you can't blame a guy for dreaming. But really, I knew I had blown it. First, I'd forgotten about Winnie, now she'd forgotten about me. I guess it was only fair.
WINNIE: Kevin? What are you doing out here?
KEVIN: Nothing. What are you doing out here?
WINNIE: I don't know.
KEVIN: Do you like him?
WINNIE: He's nice.
KEVIN: Winnie? Can I ask you one more thing?

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(Ep 7 - "Heart of Darkness")


And that's when it hit me. This thing was bigger than Kirk McCray. Our Winnie was ascending like an angel into junior high heaven. Our Winnie...was becoming a "cool" kid.
*

(Around a campfire, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes.)
GARY: You guys goin' out with anybody?
KEVIN: Nah. Not right now. I used to go out with this girl, Winnie Cooper. We broke up.
GARY: Whoa! Yeah, Winnie. She's pretty cute - a little flat - but cute.
PAUL (Giggling): Kevin likes 'em flat. (Giggles) Gimme a butt, man!
GARY: I thought you didn't smoke.
PAUL: Only when I drink! (Giggles).
KEVIN: Yeah, well Carly Healey is no Raquel Welch, Paul.
PAUL: She's got a handful!
KEVIN: Yeah, like you'll ever know.
GARY: You can't go out with one girl for too long. Before you know it, they like, want you to walk them in the hall. Everyday, and stuff.

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(Ep 8 - "Our Miss White")


(Kevin is looking at Miss White.)
What was it about her that affected me so profoundly? Her sensitivity? Her warmth? Her intelligence? Maybe all of those.
(The camera slowly pans down her white blouse and pauses.)
Maybe more. Maybe much more.
*

(Bell rings. Students stand up.)
MISS WHITE: People...I haven't dismissed you, have I?
(The students groan and sit down.)
MISS WHITE: Now, today is the last day to sign up for the Fall play, and there are still several key roles open. Now, as you know, the play is about the civil rights movement...and I hope that today's film will inspire some of you to participate. OK?
(The class is silent. Miss White she shrugs and throws her hands up.)
MISS WHITE: Class dismissed.
(Kevin and others cross in front of Miss White.)
MISS WHITE: Kevin, can I...speak with you a minute?
KEVIN: Sure.
MISS WHITE: I was wondering if you'd thought about...trying out for the play.
KEVIN: Oh, the play.
(Kevin smiles briefly, then glances off and back.)
I loved Miss White. But I hated...plays.
MISS WHITE: It's really an exciting new play. It's never been performed before. In fact...(sighs)...well, the truth is, i-i-it's actually, well...(smiles self-consciously)...I wrote it. (Smiles.)
God, she was cute, but...I hated plays.
MISS WHITE: You'd be perfect for the part of Robert Kennedy. (Nods.) I really think that...that you have the right presence.
(Kevin looks off as he takes a few steps across the front of the desk.)
Well, I guess I did have kind of a...Kennedyesque thing about me...
(Kevin turns toward Miss White and smiles slightly.)
But I hated plays.
MISS WHITE: So...what do you think? (Shrugs.)
(Kevin looks down and off.)
KEVIN: Um...
I hated the thought of acting...
(Kevin looks at Miss White and frowns slightly.)
I hated the thought of rehearsing...I hated the thought of standing up in front of 300 people and making a complete and total fool of myself.
(Kevin throws up both arms.)
KEVIN: Sure! (Smiles.)

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"Full Transcript"

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(Ep 9 - "Christmas")


WINNIE: Kevin?
She was alone. She was wearing perfume.
KEVIN: Hi...
WINNIE: Hi! I wanted to give you this.
KEVIN: What is it?
WINNIE: It's a present.
KEVIN: Sure. I knew that.
I wanted to tear it open with my teeth.
WINNIE: But don't open it till Christmas. 'Kay?
KEVIN: Course not.
A thousand thoughts were barrelling through my head - a million questions, a billion -
WINNIE: Well, seeya!
Wait - stop her! Stop her!
KEVIN: Uh, I - I got somethin' for you, too.
Good. A lie, but a - a good lie...
KEVIN: I just...don't have it with me.
WINNIE: Oh, that's OK. You don't have to.
KEVIN: Maybe I can...bring it to your house?
WINNIE: I guess so.
KEVIN: Then I'll seeya.
In a matter of seconds, my whole life had been bent into a question-mark. What did this mean? Was it a message? One thing I was sure of - Winnie Cooper had never smelled better.
*

HOUSEKEEPER: Yes?
KEVIN: Uh, is...Winnie home?
HOUSEKEEPER: No, she's not. Can I help you?
KEVIN: No that's OK.
HOUSEKEEPER: You're the boy next door aren't you? Gwendolyn said you might be stopping by.
KEVIN: She did?
HOUSEKEEPER: The Cooper's decided to spend the holidays with relatives. It was a last minute decision. She seemed to think you'd understand.
*

For me, that year Christmas stopped being about tinsel and wrapping paper, and started being about memory. At first I was disappointed. Until I learned that memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you wish to never lose. And I learned from Winnie, that in a world that changes too fast, the best we can do is wish each other Merry Christmas...and good luck.
(Kevin opens the gift from Winnie. It is a 4-leaf clover.)

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(Ep 10 - "Steady As She Goes")


PAUL: Man, he looks like he's ready to barf. Why would anyone want to go steady anyway?
KEVIN: Don't ask me.
PAUL: What's so great about going steady? Personally, I'd rather play the field.
KEVIN: Yeah, I know what you mean.
*

(At the skating rink, Paul has skated off to be with Carla.)
Well, that was the end of that. I'd lost him...to a woman.
*

Before I knew it, Becky and I had been going steady for a whole week. That's nearly six months in adult years.
WAITRESS: What'll it be, kids?
KEVIN: I'll have a Coke and some fries.
BECKY: I'll just have some of his.
Woof! This chick was gettin' in deep. First she splits your fries. Next thing you know, she'll be moving her textbooks into your locker.
*

KEVIN: For your information, I don't like Winnie Cooper!
BECKY: Tell me about it.
KEVIN: Alright, I used to like her. But I don't anymore.
BECKY: Ya, sure!
KEVIN: I don't!
BECKY: Do you like me?
KEVIN: I don't even really know you.
BECKY: Well, I don't know you, and I like you!
KEVIN: It was just this whole stupid "going-steady" thing. I didn't even want to go steady.
BECKY: Well then, why did you ask me in the first place?
KEVIN: I don't know, it -
(Becky's bus pulls away.)
BECKY: Wait! Great, there goes my bus.
Standing there alone with Becky, I felt a warmth - an attraction, a tenderness - for another girl for the first time since I'd lost Winnie Cooper.
BECKY: You're such a jerk! Thanks for nothing!
(Becky starts to walk away.)
KEVIN: Wait.
(Becky keeps walking. Kevin follows.)
KEVIN: How are you gonna get home?
BECKY: How do you think?
KEVIN: Well, do you want me to walk with you? It - it's on the way and stuff.
BECKY: Don't do me any favors!
KEVIN: No!
(Kevin holds Becky's arm and stops her.)
KEVIN: I want to.

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(Ep 11 - "Just Between You and Me...and Kirk and Paul and Carla and Becky")


KEVIN: Kirk wants to know if you still like him.
WINNIE: Huh?
KEVIN: Kirk wants to know if you still like him.
WINNIE: Why doesn't he ask me himself?
Because he's a coward and a fool, not worthy of your -
KEVIN: Uh, because...I guess, um, he really likes you, and he doesn't want to make you feel weird.
He just wants to make me feel weird.
*

KEVIN: Look, don't get all upset. I have to ask you something.
WINNIE: What?
KEVIN: I just have to know if you like me or not. And don't give any of that "like me like me" stuff.
Well, that was it - a straightforward, face-to-face, yes-or-no question. And I was going to stand there until I got my answer.
WINNIE: I don't know.
KEVIN: "I don't know"! What do you mean you don't know?
WINNIE: I mean I don't know. I really don't know!
(Winnie is on the verge of tears.)
WINNIE: I wish everyone would just leave me alone. I don't know what I'm doing.
This was something new. I mean, I always figured girls knew exactly what they wanted. They knew - they had a plan. Or maybe they didn't. Maybe they were just as confused as we were. Isn't that great? It - it's horrible. They don't know either. That means nobody knows.
KEVIN: You mean you really don't know?
WINNIE: No.
KEVIN: Oh. Well, I'm sorry.
WINNIE: What for?
KEVIN: I don't know.

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(Ep 12 - "Pottery Will Get You Nowhere")


I guess I never really thought of my parents as being in love. But maybe that's the best thing for a kid - to never have to think about it. It's just always there. Like the ground you walk on.
(Cut to science class.)
MR. CANTWELL: The surface of the earth may look stable, but it's in constant motion, shifted by molten forces below. The shapes of our continents, so familiar to us today, will shift and reform like so much pond scum.
Mr. Cantwell had such a rosy view of the miracles of science.
MR. CANTWELL: For example, scientists estimate that in a mere two million years, the United States, which now looks like this...will look like this.
It was a horrifing thought - our once-proud nation shaped...like a wiener-dog.
(Bell rings.)
MR. CANTWELL: Lights up. Tomorrow, Section 6, of "Our Changing Planet", "Earthquake and Cataclysm - Man's Dalliance with Death". Have a nice day...

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(Ep 13 - "Coda")


(Kevin is outside on his bike, listening to a piano recital in Mrs. Carples' house.)
When you're a little kid...you're a little bit of everything - artist, scientist, athlete, scholar...Sometimes it seems like growing up is the process of giving those things up, one by one. I guess we all have one thing we regret giving up, one thing we really miss...that we gave up because we were too lazy...or we couldn't stick it out...or because we were afraid.
*

(At dinner.)
NORMA: So, Kevin? How was your lesson?
KEVIN: OK.
NORMA: You know, I bumped into Mrs. Hirschmuller in the supermarket, today. And she told me how excited Ronald was about playing in the recital this year. I didn't know this years' recital was coming up. Did you know this years' recital was coming up?
KEVIN: Well...yeah...
NORMA: Are you gonna be playing in it?
KEVIN: Well...
WAYNE: Mom...(frowns)...recitals are for wusses. Of course he's gonna play.
KAREN: Wayne, there is nothing feminine about playing the piano. And even if there was, I think it's good that Kevin is in touch with that.
KEVIN: Look. (Gestures.) I'm not going to be playing in the recital, anyway. I already told Mrs. Carples that.
NORMA: Why not?
KEVIN: Cuz I just don't feel like it. Look. I'm not like Ronald Hirschmuller.
NORMA: Well, that's too bad, because, you know I bumped into Mrs. Carples at the supermarket, too.
Jeez, Mom. Did ya bump into any food?
NORMA: And she said...that you have real talent.
KEVIN: What?!
NORMA: She said you didn't practice enough, but that you have real talent.
Jeez - real talent.
NORMA: And she said it right in front of Mrs. Hirschmuller, too.
A key bit of information. But there was still one thing I wanted to know.
KEVIN: Well...Did she say I'm as good as Ronald Hirschmuller?
NORMA: Well, no...I-I don't think she said that.
KAREN: Isn't Ronald Hirschmuller like really, really good?
WAYNE: You as good as Ronald Hirschmuller...fat chance.
NORMA: Wayne! Now, no one expects you to be as good as Ronald Hirschmuller, honey...
KEVIN: Look - the only reason he's so good is cuz he practices all the time. I never practice, or I'd be better than him.
JACK: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Uh...did I just say that?
JACK: What do these lessons cost me? (Frowns.)
KEVIN: Ten dollars, I think.
JACK: Ten dollars? Is that ten dollars a year...or ten dollars a week?
KEVIN: A week.
JACK : I see. And your teacher says you never practice...
KEVIN: Yeah...
JACK: And you say you never practice.
KEVIN: Well...I mean, I don't really mean...never practice...(Gestures.) It's like...
JACK: And your teacher says you have talent, but the reason you're no good is because you don't practice. Am I getting that right? Is that what we're saying here?
KEVIN: I guess...
JACK: Well then...I'd say one of two things is possible. Either you're gonna start to practice like this...(gestures)...Ronald Hirschmuller I hear so much about...or you're just gonna quit the damn piano!
(Jack pauses, then nods slightly.)
JACK: It's your choice.
*

(Kevin is outside on his bike, listening to the piano recital in Mrs. Carples' house.)
I never did forget that night. I remember the light glowing from Mrs. Carples' window. And I remember the darkness falling as I sat out there on the street looking in. And now...more than twenty years later...I still remember every note of the music that wandered out into the still night air.
(Kevin rides away.)
The only thing is...I can't remember how to play it anymore.

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"Full Transcript"

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(Ep 14 - "Hiroshima, Mon Frere")


(Kevin is lying in bed, awake.)
Sometimes, when you're a kid, you lie awake at night and ponder the kinds of questions that grownups have long since stopped asking. Questions like - What did it feel like to be dead? Are time and space really infinite? What was there before the universe began?
(Kevin looks at Wayne.)
Why are there people like Wayne?
(Wayne snorts and tosses in his sleep.)
WAYNE: Butthead!
I could never figure it out. Even in his sleep, my brother seemed to hate my guts. I guess he just had never forgiven me for something I did to him very early in life - I'd been born. Then, to make things worse, I stayed.
*

(Wayne has just sucked up a hampster in the vacuum-cleaner.)
At that moment, as I looked at my brother - something snapped inside me. I didn't hate his guts - I hated him. I hated everything about him. And at that moment, I didn't care what it cost me - I didn't care about anything...I just wanted to hurt him.
KEVIN: You want to know why Angela wouldn't come over?!
WAYNE: Shut up.
KEVIN: Because she doesn't like you, Wayne!
WAYNE: Shut up!
KEVIN: She doesn't - nobody does!
WAYNE: Shut up!
KEVIN: No! You may be bigger than me...and stronger than me. But you know what, Wayne? I have friends! (Smiles.) Nobody likes you, Wayne! You're just mean...to everybody, all the time, because...nobody likes you!
(Wayne swallows and blinks.)
KEVIN: You're pathetic!
(Wayne's hair flies back in a bright white flash. Fade to a nuclear explosion and mushroom cloud.)

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(Ep 15 - "Loosiers")


It was an amazing thing to watch Mr. Cutlip's reaction to that word, "fair". It was if that simple utterance was cutting through layers of dead wood.
(Mr. Cutlip sneezes.)
Then again, maybe not.
MR. CUTLIP: Let me get this straight. (Frowns.) You're gonna sit there and tell me...that I'm being unfair?
KEVIN: No, I mean, I mean...
MR. CUTLIP: Life is not fair, Arnold! The world...isn't fair!
OK...he's getting dangerous...
MR. CUTLIP: I have a steel plate...
(He taps his head.)
MR. CUTLIP: In my head! (Frowns.)
(He stands up.)
MR. CUTLIP: Do you think that's fair?! (Frowns.)
KEVIN: No...no, I don't!
MR. CUTLIP: I've been teaching this class since before you were toilet-trained. But if you don't think it's...fair...(frowns)...I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna make some changes. And mister...you better like 'em!

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(Ep 16 - "Walk Out")


(The student-council has given a signed petition to Mr. Diperna.)
MR. DIPERNA: My, my, my. It's very impressive.
MARK: It's over four-hundred signatures.
MR. DIPERNA: Yes, indeed. I appreciate you showing these to me. (Nods.) Now, there's something I'd like to show to you.
(Mr. Diperna opens a large book.)
MR. DIPERNA: Section...one-seven-three-nine-point-five, of the State Education Code. Kevin? Read that for us?
KEVIN: All students shall remain in class at all times during school hours, unless otherwise authorized by the administration.
MR. DIPERNA: And that, ladies and gentlemen...is the law of the land. We can either obey that law, or we can suffer the consequences. Now, if you would like...to write your State assemblymen, and try and get the law changed...more power to you. But, as long as it's on the books...
(He drops the book on the desk in a cloud of dust.)
MR. DIPERNA: If I, or any other teacher, were to allow this, we'd be promoting truancy. And an educator can't advocate that, now can he? Now, I know you're disappointed, but think of this as a learning experience. Did you learn something?
KEVIN'S INNER VOICE: Yeah. I learned you're an even bigger butthead than I thought you were.
KEVIN: I guess so. (Nods and frowns.)
MR. DIPERNA: Well, that's what school's all about, isn't it?
(Mr. Diperna lifts the book and rests it on his shoulder.)
MR. DIPERNA: Uh, don't forget...for anyone who thinks that he's above the law...that's immediate suspension, and it will go on your permanent record - your permanent...record.

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(Ep 17 - "Nemesis")


KEVIN: Look, Becky, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we broke up, I'm sorry about the whole thing.
BECKY: Yeah?! Are you sorry you just used me to get to Winnie?! Are you sorry you just pretended to like me the whole time when you really just liked her?! Cuz, you know, I really think that's a terrible thing to do to a person.
KEVIN: Look. I really liked you. I really liked you a lot.
BECKY: Well, whoop-dee-doo.
KEVIN: Does it make you feel better making my life miserable?
BECKY: Yes, it does.
KEVIN: So, what are you gonna do? Go around and make everyone hate me forever?
BECKY: No, if you got some horrible disease, or got into a really bad accident, I'd probably stop.

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(Ep 18 - "Fate")


(Carla has just told Kevin and Paul that Winnie and Eddie are going together.)
And suddenly I heard the tumblers clicking into place.
PAUL: Holy cow!
Suddenly I understood everything. The reason...the message fate had sent me loud as a brass band. The message that said -
PAUL: Face it. You're doomed!
*

PAUL: Hey, come on! It's not so bad. Look on the bright side. I think maybe you hurt his fist!

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(Ep 19 - "Birthday Boy")


WAYNE: So what the hell's a bar mitzvah, anyways?
KEVIN: It's a ceremony when you become a man, stupid.
WAYNE: A man? Pfeiffer? Hah-hah. That's got to be the funniest thing I've heard all day. Steve? Are you hearing this? Pfeiffer's about to become a man...
PAUL: What's so funny about that?
STEVE: You're not a man until you lose your virginity.
WAYNE: That's right. So I'd say you guys are little boys until you're at least...forty-five.
STEVE: Oh, I think that's optimistic. (Nods.)
WAYNE: Well, I mean, if you're actually talking about having sex with another person.
KEVIN: Oh, shut up, Wayne! You're just jealous.
PAUL: Yeah, you're just jealous.
WAYNE: Jealous? (Frowns.) Why? Because you get to wear one of those little beanies on your head? (Gestures.)
PAUL: It's called a yarmulke. And for your information, it happens to be a very big deal! I get to stand up in front of all my friends and my whole family...(gestures)...and say prayers and make this big speech and stuff.
WAYNE: A speech? A speech? Well...(gestures)...now I'm jealous, now I'm jealous.
*

(Jack is looking at car ads.)
JACK: Two-thousand bucks for a '66 Impala? That's a joke. Huh.
KEVIN: Dad?
JACK: Hmmm?
KEVIN: Where'd Grampa Arnold come from?
JACK: Look at that - highway robbery...what'd ya say?
KEVIN: I said, um, where did Grampa Arnold come from?
JACK: Newark. Ya know, one of these days I'm just gonna get rid of the damn cars, and we'll all take the damn bus!

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(Ep 20 - "Brightwing")


In 1969, a lot of people were doing a lot of things a lot of other people didn't understand. "Love-ins"..."be-ins"..."happenings"...It was...different. It was weird.
(Cut to dinner.)
NORMA: Kevin, call your sister for dinner.
KEVIN: Karen! Dinner!
But where we lived, things were still pretty much normal.
(Karen enters the kitchen, "hippied out" with beads and sunglasses.)
With one exception. OK - we knew her name was Karen. But other than that...
(Wayne and Jack look at her and smile. Wayne shakes his head. Karen looks at them.)
She might as well have been from Mars. Mars, or...Pluto.

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(Ep 21 - "Square Dance")


(In gym, Mr. Cutlip is pairing up couples for square dancing.)
PAUL: God, I sure hope I don't get a loser.
KEVIN: I know what you mean.
MR. CUTLIP: Pfeiffer...and...Gambowski.
(Paul makes a fist and smiles.)
PAUL: Yes!
OK. So Paul had hit the jackpot. I wasn't worried. Still plenty of fillies left in this pasture.
MR. CUTLIP: Arnold...
Here we go! Lucky, lucky, lucky...
MR. CUTLIP: And...Farquhar.
(Kevin looks wide-eyed as the camera zooms in on him, accompanied by a twang of guitar.)
And suddenly, my life was over. I'd just been partnered with Margaret Farquhar. The flagship for seventh-grade weirdness. Some people march to the beat of a different drummer...Margaret had her own percussion section.
(Margaret raises her hand.)
MR. CUTLIP: Yes?
MARGARET: Are we going to do-si-do?
MR. CUTLIP: We'll get to that. (Nods.)
(Margaret raises her hand.)
MR. CUTLIP: Yes?!
MARGARET: Why is it called do-si-do? (Smiles.)
MR. CUTLIP: Because that's what it's called. Arnold!
(Margaret raises a finger.)
MARGARET: Is that clockwise, or the other way around?
(Kids start to giggle.)
MR. CUTLIP: Did I ask for questions? (Frowns.) I always ask for questions!
That was Maragaret. She could get on the nerves of any teacher. Including Gandhi.
MR. CUTLIP: Arnold! Step to the center. Now!
RANDY: Go get 'em, tiger!
*

(Kevin sees Margaret approaching the water-fountain.)
I'd made my decision. This couldn't go on. It was time to deal with it once and for all.
KEVIN: Margaret?
MARGARET: Hi, Kevin! (Smiles.) Were you at my house last night? My bell rang. Did you ring my bell?
That's right - pour on the old guilt, why don't ya?
MARGARET: My mother made popcorn.
KEVIN: Margaret...I-I can't talk to you anymore.
(Margaret pauses, then shrugs slightly.)
MARGARET: What? (Smiles.)
And then I had an idea. A great idea.
KEVIN: Well, you know...I like you, and...I think you're really nice.
(Margaret smiles.)
KEVIN: But, so - we can talk to each other. But...not at school.
(Margaret's smiles fades a little.)
KEVIN: Or at my house. Or, in front of anybody. But, ya know, we could...still be friends! You know...only...no one would have to know about it. We'd be, um...(shrugs)...secret friends. (Smiles.) OK?
Zowie! Talk about a solution.
(Margaret looks at Kevin a moment, then shakes her head slightly.)
MARGARET: Secret friends?
KEVIN: Well, yeah! (Shrugs.) Kinda.
Funny thing is...I actually believed she'd jump at the opportunity.
(Margaret frowns and shakes her head slightly.)
MARGARET: You don't want to talk to me?
She wasn't jumping.
MARGARET: Why don't you want to talk to me?!
KEVIN: Well, it's not that I don't want to talk to you, ya know...(Shrugs.)
MARGARET: You don't want me to talk to you?
See? She was twisting it all around...
MARGARET: How can you be friends if you don't want to talk to somebody?!
RANDY: Hey, hey, hey! What's goin' on here?
KEVIN: Uh...
MARGARET: I don't understand this! What's so awful about talking!
RANDY: Hey, Arnold - looks like honeymoon time! (Smiles.)
MIKE: Hey, Arnold? You pop the question yet?
KEVIN: Hah-hah. (Frowns.) Very funny.
RANDY: Hey, uh, Farky? Why do they call these things pigtails?
(Margaret frowns at Randy and slaps his hand away. Kevin and Margaret look at each other.)
It was horrible. I wanted to tell them to knock it off - leave her alone. And Margaret - I wanted to scream at her. Why did she have to be so weird? Why couldn't she just be normal?! I wanted to say something...but I didn't. I couldn't.
(Margaret drops her books on the floor.)
It was Margaret who did the talking.
MARGARET: I thought you were different.
(Margaret walks off.)
*

And so, that last day of square-dancing...
(Margaret approaches and puts her hand on Kevin's shoulder, and they spin around as she looks off.)
I danced alone. Maybe if I'd been a little braver, I could have been her friend, but...the truth is...in seventh-grade, who you are is what other seventh-grader's say you are.

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(Ep 22 - "Whose Woods Are These?")


KEVIN: Dad, I'm talking about Harper's Woods! We gotta stop them! We gotta do something!
NORMA: Kevin, you haven't played up there since you were children.
This was incredible - didn't these people have souls? They were talking about Harper's Woods like it was some kinda -
JACK: It's just a vacant lot, Kevin.
*

PAUL: I can't believe it. My mom's all excited because there's going to be a Yarn Barn.
WINNIE: My dad said its been in the papers for months.
It was irresponsible. Thirteen is a busy age. Who has time to read the papers?
PAUL: We depend on these people for information - and then they let you down.
*

CHAIRMAN: Your statement, Mr. Arnold?
KEVIN: I - I came here tonight...because...I have something to say. There's a little piece of land, not far from here. A place called Harper's Woods...ya might have passed it on your way here or there. It's not much to look at - a few acres of trees, some boulders...a couple squirrels and some birds. But there's something you didn't see, I'll wager. Something you can't see. 'Cause there's something in those woods...that you can't see with your eye's - you have to look with your heart. It's my childhood - and his...and hers...Ours is a world...too careless with its memories. Please, I beg of you...don't take our childhood.
*

(Jack has just grounded Kevin for scratching his initials in Mr. Diperna's desk.)
WAYNE: It was a real dumb stunt. (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Wayne!
(Wayne laughs and exits.)
Wayne was right. The fact was, I wasn't sure myself why I'd done it. Except that nothing seemed...permanent, anymore. Harper's Woods...Paul and Winnie...our friendship. What'd it all mean?
(Wayne opens the door and frowns at Kevin.)
WAYNE: Grow up, butthead.
*

(Paul and Winnie have coincidentally met Kevin at Harper's Woods at night.)
WINNIE: Remember when we carved those?
KEVIN: Yeah. Third grade. (Smiles.)
WINNIE: I thought it was second grade. (Frowns.)
PAUL: No, it was fourth grade - I remember it distinctly. (Nods.)
Well, one of those grades.
WINNIE: We heard about what you did in Diperna's office. Pretty stupid.
PAUL: Really stupid. (Nods.)
KEVIN: OK, I'm stupid - can you just forget about it?! (Gestures.)
PAUL: Kev? We have a plan.
KEVIN: Huh?
WINNIE: It just might work. (Smiles.)
KEVIN: Really? (Smiles.)
PAUL: See, first...we chain Winnie to the bulldozer. (Smiles.)
KEVIN: What?! (Frowns.)
PAUL: Well, ya see, it works better if it's a girl. (Shrugs.)
KEVIN: Are you crazy?! (Frowns.)
PAUL: And then tomorrow, when they try to -
KEVIN: Paul!
PAUL: We...
KEVIN: Will you stop it?
PAUL: Well, what? (Shrugs.)
KEVIN: Well, I mean...in the first place, it's not gonna work! (Gestures.) I mean...(gestures)...they're just gonna cut that thing with bolt-cutters, then you'll be out two-fifty for a new lock. And in the second place...(gestures)...Winnie's gonna get in trouble. If she doesn't freeze to death, first! And in the third place...
(Kevin turns away and sighs.)
KEVIN: It doesn't matter.
PAUL: Huh?
KEVIN: Well look around! It's just a vacant lot. In a couple years, we won't even remember!
I guess I wanted Paul and Winnie to face the facts, too. It wasn't gonna be easy. Maybe growing up never is.
(Winnie leans agains the tree.)
WINNIE: One...Two...Three...Four...Five...Six...
KEVIN: What is she doing? (Frowns.)
WINNIE: Seven - you better get going!
KEVIN: Forget it!
PAUL: Come on!
KEVIN: I'm not going to do this.
WINNIE: I'm only gonna count to twenty. Eight...
PAUL: Let's go, come on!
Maybe every human soul deals with loss and grief in its own way.
PAUL: Let's go!
Some curse the darkness....
PAUL: Kevin!
(Kevin hesitates, then smiles and runs toward Paul.)
PAUL: Yes!
Some play hide-and-seek. That night, Paul and Winnie and I found something we'd almost lost. We found our spirit - the spirit of children. The bond of memory. And the next day, they tore down Harper's Woods.
*

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(Ep 23 - "How I'm Spending My Summer Vacation")


KEVIN: What do you mean you're going away?! How come you never said anything?
PAUL: Well, the Schwartzes kept changing their minds.
KEVIN: The who?
PAUL: The people we're sharing the cabin with. And, look, it's not that bad - we'll only be there until Labor Day.
KEVIN: Paul, that's the whole summer.
PAUL: No, you see, not technically. The summer officially goes until September twenty-first.
KEVIN: Paul!
PAUL: OK, the whole summer. Anyway, I'm gonna have a lousy time.
KEVIN: Oh, yeah? Where you going?
PAUL: Lake Cohasset.
KEVIN: Oh, so basically you'll be swimming, fishing, sailing, and water-skiing.
PAUL: I guess.
KEVIN: Paul, why don't you just admit that you're gonna have a great time?
I was asking for the impossible. I'd have to try another tack.
KEVIN: OK, tell me one thing that's gonna make it lousy.
I had him on the ropes.
PAUL: Mosquitoes!
KEVIN: What?!
PAUL: Yeah, are you kidding? With all that standing water? Do you have any idea how many diseases are transmitted by mosquitoes?
The man was a master.
KEVIN (deflated): Well, at least we'll have the barbecue tomorrow night.
PAUL: Yeah, sure. Except I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon.
KEVIN: Well how about tonight then.
PAUL: I gotta pack.
(Cut to Cafeteria. Kevin is sitting by himself, looking unhappy.)
I was mad. Mad at Paul - how could he do this to me?! He was ruining my summer.
(Kevin sees Winnie sitting at another table.)
Wait a minute, I still had Winnie. Winnie wasn't the type to up and leave you, she wouldn't pull a stunt like that...she was thoughtful. Look at her - mulling over what to write in my yearbook, carefully choosing her words.
(Winnie appears to be deep in thought and squeezes her pencil.)
Wait a second, this was serious mulling. Sure, we'd had our ups and downs, our missteps...but we were older, wiser. It was time to let her know how I felt.
(Kevin picks up a pen and opens up Winnie's yearbook.)
It was time to make poetry.
(Some food splats on the table in front of Kevin, and he glares at it.)
No matter what the obstacles.
(Kevin writes, then looks up and smiles.)
There. I had filled an entire page with phrases like "never change", "always stay the same", and "good luck." Still something was missing. It needed something more. Something ...
(Kevin writes again: "I LOVE YOU. Kevin." A few bars of "Winnie's Theme" play.)
OK, it was a bold and reckless move, but I was a bold and reckless guy, and these were bold and reckless times.
(Kevin picks up the yearbook and walks over to the table where Winnie is sitting. She looks up.)
KEVIN: I'm finished. I tried not to hog up too much space.
WINNIE: Me, too. Here's yours. Well, I'll see you later.
KEVIN: (smiling) Yeah, see you later.
(Winnie exits. Kevin hurries back to his table and flips though the yearbook.)
I couldn't wait another second to read all those wonderful things Winnie had been too embarrassed to say in person. All those secret passions, and yearnings she'd kept bottled up inside for the past year.
(Kevin stops turning pages and looks stunned. The page is shown: "Have a neat summer! Winnie.")
"Have a neat summer"?!
*

KEVIN (Whining): Why can't we go on vacation?
NORMA: Maybe next summer.
KEVIN: Well it's not fair. I have nothing to do.
JACK: What was that?
KEVIN: Ah...
WAYNE: I'm not exactly sure, but I believe he said, "I have nothing to do."
JACK: "Nothing to do"?
Uh-ohhhhh.
(Cut to the garage.)
JACK: All right, start in the corner, you clean out the junk, then you work your way to the center. Then you sweep it out, and hose it down.
That's all?
JACK: After that...we'll see about the attic.
(Jack exits and Kevin rests his head on the broom handle dejectedly.)
Well, so much for madcap vacation plans.
(Fade to Kevin dragging a lawnchair out of the garage, past piles of junk in the driveway. He is wearing a filthy swim mask. He stops on the middle of the driveway and sits down, then flops back flat and stares up at the sky.)
I had finally hit bottom.
(Footsteps are heard approaching.)
WINNIE (V/O): Hi, Kevin.
(Kevin sits up and slides the mask on top of his head.)
KEVIN: What are you doing here?
WINNIE: I was just taking a walk. It's a little hectic at my house right now. Do you need any help with this?
KEVIN: No, that's OK. I can handle it.(Gestures.) It's part of my "really neat summer". (Frowns and gestures.)
WINNIE: Oh.
"Oh"?! I'm dying of embarrassment and she gives me "oh"?!
WINNIE: Well maybe we can talk about it tonight. At the party.
KEVIN: Yeah, well I don't think I'm gonna be there.
WINNIE: Oh...
Boy, now she was really makin' me mad.
(Kevin looks expectant.)
KEVIN: Well? Did you show it to anybody?
WINNIE: Show what?
KEVIN: Well, the yearbook. (Shrugs.) You know - what I wrote?
WINNIE: Oh.
KEVIN: Yeah, well you can just forget about it, OK?! 'Cause I didn't mean a word of it! I mean, you can just rip out the page and throw it in the garbage because -
(Winnie takes Kevin by the shoulders and kisses him on the mouth. She pulls away and Kevin stares at her, wide-eyed and dumbfounded. Winnie looks blankly at Kevin for a moment, then turns away quickly and runs off.)
It was amazing. It was our first kiss since that day last fall in Harper's Woods, the day Winnie's brother Brian died. I'd been waiting to kiss her again all year. And now that it had happened, I felt as confused as ever. There was only one thing I was sure of - I was a man on fire!
*

What do you say after a kiss?
WINNIE: What's that smell?
KEVIN: Huh?
WINNIE: It smells like...a saddle!
KEVIN: Oh, I...guess it's my after-shave lotion.
WINNIE: Really?
KEVIN: Yeah. (He nods and shrugs.) Well, I mean, I didn't actually shave, I just, sorta, put it on.
*

In the course of the next hour, I watched Winnie wear a groove in the patio between her parents. There was only one possible explanation - she was avoiding me.
(Kevin approaches Winnie.)
KEVIN: Wait a minute.
WINNIE: Hi!
Yeah, we'd already said that.
KEVIN: Listen -
WINNIE: Did you have a burger?
KEVIN: Winnie, are we gonna have some time alone or not?
MRS. COOPER: Win-nie!
WINNIE: OK, I promise, in a few minutes. I gotta go.
(Fade to Kevin sitting on a folding chair, holding a mostly-empty plate. He sets the plate down and leans back, looking dejected.)
Five burgers and three hot dogs later, I was finally fed up.
(Kevin sees Winnie standing alone, facing away.)
She wasn't helping her parents, she wasn't doing anything, she was just standing there. OK, enough was enough. The game was over, let's lay out the cards.
(Kevin approaches from behind Winnie. He pauses, but Winnie doesn't notice him.)
KEVIN: What is with you, huh?!
(Winnie turns suddenly to look at him. She looks sad and turns away.)
KEVIN: One minute you like me and then the next minute you don't! First you kiss me, and then...you act like you don't even know me. You've doing this all year! I mean, if you like me, then say so. But if you don't...then...(shrugs)...don't act like you do, OK? OK?!
(Winnie turns around.)
WINNIE: Kevin, I have to go away this summer.
KEVIN: What?!
WINNIE: With my mom. We're going to my aunt's in Maine.
KEVIN: I don't believe this! I mean, what about my summer?! Paul's going away with his parents... (gestures)...and now you're going away with your mom...(gestures)...and -
(He stops abruptly, and just looks at Winnie. She looks at Kevin sadly, then runs toward the house.)
And then, for the first time that night, I looked around. The music was playing...couples were dancing, holding each other tight. But not everybody.
(Mrs. Cooper is standing near the bar, unsmiling. Mr. Cooper is scraping the barbeque grill, also unsmiling.)
And suddenly I began to understand.
(Fade to Winnie sitting on the edge of the flower bed along the front porch, staring out toward the street. Kevin appraoches and pauses.)
I wanted to tell Winnie I understood what was happening to her family. I wanted to say something that would give her comfort. Something incredibly wise.
KEVIN: Sorry.
WINNIE: Will you write to me when I'm away?
KEVIN: Sure.
(Kevin sits next to Winnie. Winnie turns toward Kevin.)
WINNIE: I miss my brother.
KEVIN: Yeah...
(Kevin slowly puts his arm around Winnie, and she quickly looks at him as he touches her shoulder, then they both look away.)
That summer, kids everywhere swam, water-skied, and sailed - while Winnie Cooper struggled to keep her head above water, in a family torn apart by anger, and grief.
(Fade to day in the Arnold backyard. Kevin is naping in a hammock.)
I pretty much stayed close to home. I mowed Mr. Ermin's lawn. I went fishin' with my dad. I watched a man walk on the moon. I considered myself pretty lucky.

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12/01/14 18:55