Episode 97 - "Sex and Economics"



OPENING SEQUENCE


(Classroom. The camera slowly pans across the students.)

For most guys I went to school with in nineteen-seventy-two, junior year was a time of...exploration. A time for expanding horizons, broadening perspectives, seeking answers to little-known questions. It was an opportunity to grapple with the great issues of our day, which as it happened, boiled down to only two.

(The camera stops on Kevin. He is looking down.)

(Shot of Miss Farmer's legs as she walks across the classroom.)

MISS FARMER:...there were only four independent republics, as compared to now. By the end of 1972, there's gonna be forty-one.

(The camera slowly pans up Miss Farmer as she leans against her desk and smiles.)

One of them was sex.

MISS FARMER: So...now is eveybody paying attention?

Miss Farmer.

(Close shot of Kevin looking up.)

Our social studies teacher.

(Close shot of Miss Farmer.)

MISS FARMER: Who can tell me the names...of three African republics?

(Shot from behind Miss Farmer of the class.)

MISS FARMER: No one?

(Shot of Miss Farmer sitting agains the edge of the desk, with the blackboard behind her.)

MISS FARMER: Let's look at a map.

(Miss Farmer moves to the map and reaches up to pull it down.)

In one of the great cosmic ironies of our time...

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Miss Farmer off-screen. He squeezes his pencil, which breaks.)

(Shot of Miss Farmer. The camera pans up her legs.)

The board of education had hired her to mold and develop our formative young minds.

(Miss Farmer turns toward the class.)

MISS FARMER: Domenick? Can you point out Liberia on the map?

(Close shot of Domenick at his desk.)

DOMENICK: It's, uh...that yellow one.

(Shot past students of Miss Farmer, hands on hips, as Domenick points.)

DOMENICK: Right there.

(Miss Farmer turns and glances at the map, then back to the students. She laughs.)

MISS FARMER: Perhaps you could come up and show us.

(Close shot of Kevin leaning forward and looking at Domenick off-screen.)

(Close shot of Domenick.)

(Close shot of Miss Farmer smiling, with her arms folded.)

DOMENICK (V/O): Uh...

(Close shot of Domenick.)

DOMENICK: Can't...m-my foot's asleep.

Not an uncommon ailment in social studies that year.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Miss Farmer off-screen as the bell rings.)

(Close shot of Miss Farmer.)

MISS FARMER: Alright. (Gestures.) Why doesn't everybody just pass up their assignments...

(Shot of Kevin and other students getting their things together.)

All in all, if you were sixteen and male, it was agony. And no one was immune. Which brings me back to the point.

(Close shot of Miss Farmer.)

For teenage boys, there were only two great issues - sex...

Cut to

Ext. Day - Gas-station

(Close shot of the gas pump ringing up the amount.)

(Wider shot of the pump through the car window as the attendant cuts into the shot.)

ATTENDANT: That'll be three-sixty-nine.

(Shot past the attendant of Kevin.)

And, of course, economics.

KEVIN: Uh...sure.

And let me be clear about this...

(Wider shot of the car and attendant.)

By "economics", I mean cold, hard, cash. Not that I had any.

(Kevin hands the attendant some money.)

(Shot of Randy and Kevin, and the attendant.)

ATTENDANT: You're forty-nine cents short.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at the money.)

KEVIN: Uh...one second.

(Shot from behind Kevin as he turns to Ricky in the back seat.)

KEVIN: Any of you guys got fifty cents?

(Close shot of Ricky frowning.)

RICKY: Not me.

(Shot of Randy, Kevin and the attendant.)

RANDY: Sorry, man. I'm tapped.

KEVIN: Wait a minute. Between the two of you, you can't come up with a lousy half-buck?

(Close shot of Randy.)

RANDY: Hey, I paid last week.

(Shot of Randy, Kevin and the attendant. Kevin frowns, and starts to look in the glove-box.)

Amazing. Even with my job delivering Chinese food two nights a week...

(Kevin glances back at the attendant.)

KEVIN: Be right with you.

The best I could do when it came to cash-flow, was...

(Kevin puts something in the attendant's hand.)

KEVIN: There.

ATTENDANT: It's a potato chip.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at it.)

KEVIN: Oh, yeah.

(Close shot of the attendant.)

KEVIN (V/O): Guess it is.

ATTENDANT: Get outta here...(Frowns.)

(Close shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: Right.

(Wide shot of the "Chongmobile" as Kevin drives off.)

Face it, poverty was ruining my good name, my reputation. Not to mention my my credit-rating.

Cut to

Ext. Night - "The point"

(Wide shot from behind the cars lined up at the point.)

KEVIN (V/O): What's that sound?

Not to mention my love-life.

(Shot through the windshield of Kevin and Winnie looking at each other.)

WINNIE: What sound?

KEVIN: That one.

(Kevin looks around and frowns.)

KEVIN: There it is again.

WINNIE: It's...my stomach. It's growling.

(Winnie smiles self-consciously.)

KEVIN: Oh.

Not to mention my girlfriend's digestive tract.

(Winnie looks off.)

WINNIE: I thought you said you were taking me out to dinner tonight.

(They look at each other.)

(Close shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: Oh.

(He looks down.)

KEVIN: Yeah.

(Close shot of Winnie looking at Kevin off-screen.)

WINNIE: Kevin, I'm really hungry. Can't we just...get something?

(Close shot of Kevin looking down, then looking off and frowning.)

KEVIN: Well, uh, yeah I think...eating out is over-rated.

(He looks toward Winnie off-screen.)

KEVIN: And you know, the service is always slow. (Frowns.)

(Close shot of Winnie looking at Kevin off-screen.)

KEVIN (V/O): Plus the food is never that good.

(Winnie frowns slightly.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Winnie off-screen.)

KEVIN: You know, I read somewhere that anything ya eat after nine o'clock goes right to your hips.

(Close shot of Winnie frowning slightly at Kevin off-screen.)

KEVIN (V/O): Didn't you read that?

(Winnie turns forward.)

(Wider shot of both as Winnie slides away from Kevin.)

WINNIE: I think I'd like to go home now.

KEVIN: Right...

(Kevin starts the car.)

Fact. This cashflow thing was beginning to cloud my judgement.

Cut to

School Hallway

(Shot of Kevin walking up the crowded hallway.)

And so, desperation led me to consider once-unthinkable options.

(Kevin pauses and looks at a bulletin board.)

In other words...

(Shot of the bulletin board with a small sign reading "Jobs" and many small cards with ads.)

I needed a second job.

(The camera pans down the bulletin board.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at the board off-screen.)

Preferably something that didn't require a name-tag...

(Close shot of an ad for construction work.)

And a shovel.

(Close shot of an ad for a dog-walker.)

Or a Baggie and a scoop.

(Close shot of Kevin. He sighs.)

KEVIN: Brother....

(Wider shot of Kevin and the bulletin board as Miss Farmer approaches and pins up a card.)

And then, just as luck and money were running out...

(Miss Farmer looks at Kevin and smiles.)

MISS FARMER: Oh! Hi, Kevin.

(Shot past Miss Farmer of Kevin looking at her.)

KEVIN: Hi. (Smiles.)

(Shot of Miss Farmer walking away down the hallway as some guitar plays.)

Lust and fortune stepped in.

(Close shot of Kevin looking back to the bulletin board off-screen.)

(Close shot of Miss Farmer's card. "Students wanted for painting project. 123 Dixon St. After school")

And opportunity knocked.

Cut to

Ext. Day - Miss Farmer's House

(Close shot of the door-knocker as Kevin bangs it.)

(Wider shot from behind Kevin as Miss Farmer opens the door, slightly surprised.)

MISS FARMER: Kevin! Hi! (Smiles.)

(Shot past Miss Farmer of Kevin looking at her.)

KEVIN: Hi.

(He holds up the card.)

KEVIN: I, uh, came about the job.

(Close shot past Kevin of Miss Farmer as she laughs.)

MISS FARMER: Well, gee...(smiles)...you certainly got here fast!

(Shot past Miss Farmer of Kevin looking over his shoulder, then at her.)

KEVIN: Yeah, well, it's right on the way.

(Shot past Kevin of Miss Farmer.)

MISS FARMER: Oh...

(Shot past Miss Farmer of Kevin looking at her.)

KEVIN: Besides, you know what they say - "the early worm gets the bird".

(Shot past Kevin of Miss Farmer looking slightly puzzled as the sound of a howling wolf is heard.)

KEVIN: Anyway, uh...

(Shot past Miss Farmer of Kevin looking at her.)

KEVIN: Here I am.

(Shot past Kevin of Miss Farmer.)

MISS FARMER: Well, good! Why don't you come on in? I'm making some lemonade. (Smiles.)

(Shot of both as they turn toward the door.)

And the formalities out of the way...

Cut to

Int. Miss Farmer's Kitchen

(Shot past Kevin seated at a table, and Miss Farmer at the counter.)

Negotiations began.

(She turns toward Kevin.)

MISS FARMER: Sugar?

(Shot of Kevin looking at Miss Farmer off-screen.)

KEVIN: Hmmm?

MISS FARMER (V/O): For your lemonade?

(Shot of Kevin looking at Miss Farmer off-screen.)

KEVIN: Oh. Yeah...

(Kevin smiles and looks down.)

MISS FARMER (V/O): So?

(Close shot of Miss Farmer looking at Kevin off-screen.)

MISS FARMER: Don't you even want to know what the job is?

(Shot of Kevin looking at the card off-screen.)

KEVIN: Well, it's, uh...

(He looks at Miss Farmer off-screen.)

KEVIN: Painting, right? (Shrugs.) I've mean I've done lots of painting - all over the place.

Two storm-windows for Dad, and Wayne's forehead when I was six. But who was counting?

(Shot of Miss Farmer stirring the pitcher of lemonade.)

MISS FARMER: Oh, I don't know...(sighs)...maybe I should have it done professionally.

(She reaches up into a cupboard.)

But at that moment...

(Shot of Kevin looking at Miss Farmer off-screen and smiling slightly.)

I'd have killed to keep professionals from her house.

KEVIN: Hey, why hire them when you got me? (Smiles.)

Babe.

(Wide shot of Kevin at the table as Miss Farmer approaches with the lemonade and glasses.)

MISS FARMER: Well...if you really think you can.

(She pours Kevin a glass.)

(Shot past Miss Farmer of Kevin glancing off.)

KEVIN: Course I can. So...

(He takes a sip and looks around the kitchen.)

KEVIN: What would I be painting?

(Close shot of Miss Farmer looking at Kevin off-screen.)

MISS FARMER: The house. (Smiles.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at her off-screen.)

KEVIN: The house?

(Kevin looks up at the ceiling.)

KEVIN: The whole house? (Frowns.)

(Shot of Miss Farmer at the counter as she giggles.)

MISS FARMER: No - just the outside.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at her off-screen.)

MISS FARMER (V/O): The thing is...

(Shot of Miss Farmer looking at Kevin off-screen as she walks across the kitchen.)

MISS FARMER: I don't have much money. (Frowns.)

And of course, right then...

(Miss Farmer moves to the cookie jar on a shelf.)

I should have known I was in over my head.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at her off-screen.)

I should have known.

(Kevin looks off and frowns.)

(Close shot of Miss Farmer approaching.)

I should have known, but...

MISS FARMER: How does...five-hundred dollars sound?

(Close shot of Kevin perking up slightly.)

(Close shot of Miss Farmer looking down. The camera pans down to her hands holding five one-hundred-dollar bills. Bit of heavenly music, and "We're in the Money".)

And that's when it happened. Right then. Right there.

(Close shot past the money of Kevin. The camera zooms in slowly as he licks his lips.)

Two great forces of nature converged. Beauty...and cash.

MISS FARMER (V/O): Course, you would take care of supplies.

(Close shot of Miss Farmer looking at him off-screen.)

MISS FARMER: Can you start this weekend?

(Close shot past the money of Kevin looking at it.)

KEVIN: Well...

JACK (V/O): Painting?

Cut to

Int. Evening - Arnold Living Room

(Wide shot of Jack and Kevin sitting on opposite ends of the couch.)

JACK: What do you know about painting?

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Jack off-screen.)

KEVIN: Dad, what's there to know? (Frowns.) I mean, there's the house, and...(gestures)...you paint it. (Frowns.)

Seemed simple enough to me.

(Close shot of Jack looking at Kevin off-screen, then looking toward the TV off-screen and sighing.)

JACK: What kind of paint are you using? Latex or enamel?

(Wide shot of both of them.)

KEVIN: Uh...blue.

JACK: You know what supplies to buy?

KEVIN: Well...(Gestures.)

JACK: You have a crew to work with?

Jeez, what was this - trade school?

KEVIN: Hey, I have a couple guys...in mind.

(Close shot of Jack looking toward the TV off-screen.)

JACK: Well, just make sure you know what you're doing. Painting's hard enough even when you're good at it.

(Jack changes the channel with the remote.)

(Close shot of Kevin frowning and looking away.)

And there you had it.

(Wide shot of Kevin rising and walking toward the kitchen.)

The unflagging support of hearth and home.

(He passes Wayne who is repairing a lava-lamp.)

WAYNE: Better hope it's one of those paint-by-number houses.

KEVIN: Shut up, butthead!

(Kevin exits past the camera.)

(Wayne makes a face at Kevin off-screen, then seps the lamp down and frowns at it.)

After all, if there was one thing I didn't need, it was my family bringing me down.

Cut to

School Hallway

(Shot of Randy, Ricky and Kevin near Kevin's locker.)

RANDY: Are you out of your mind?

I had my friends to do that.

(Shot past Kevin of Randy and Ricky looking at him.)

RANDY: Paint a house? A whole house?

RICKY: That sounds like work! (Frowns.)

(Shot of Kevin looking at them off-screen.)

KEVIN: I thought you guys needed the money.

(Shot of Ricky and Randy looking at each other, and nodding in agreement.)

RANDY: How much you payin'?

(Shot of Kevin looking at them off-screen.)

Let's see, here...five-hundred divided by three, comes to...

KEVIN: Twenty bucks a man?

(Shot past Kevin of Randy and Ricky as they look at each other and start laughing. They walk away.)

(Shot of Kevin looking at them off-screen and frowning slightly.)

OK, if that's the way they wanted it - fine.

(Bell rings.)

Cut to

Cafeteria

(Close shot of Kevin tapping his pencil on a table, and glancing around.)

After all, I didn't need them. What I needed were men. Men who took joy in their work. Solid, blue-collar men.

(Wide shot of Kevin past Donnelly. Donnelly has his feet up.)

Men like...

(Close shot of Donnelly launching a rubberband toward the ceiling.)

Jimmy Donnelly...

(The camera pans across.)

Eddie Horvath...

(Horvath has a long string of gum hanging off his nose.)

And Joey Spinoza.

(Spinoza shoots a spitwad through a straw at a piece of paper.)

(Shot past Donnelly's feet of Kevin looking at the guys, then walking toward them.)

I dunno, call it instinct, but somehow, I knew I'd found my crew.

(Kevin pauses, then clears his throat.)

KEVIN: So guys. Want to make a few dollars?

(Wide shot past Kevin of the guys straightening up.)

Bingo.

(Close shot of Donnelly looking at Kevin off-screen.)

DONNELLY: Dollars?

Cut to

Int. Day - Paint Store

(Close shot of a paint can on the mixing-machine.)

And so with that, my team was complete.

(The camera pulls back. Spinoza is trying to watch the paint can, while Horvath touches it gingerly.)

Sure, maybe they weren't much on experience...

(The camera pulls back to reveal Kevin walking past the guys, holding a paint tray. Donnelly follows him.)

But they did have their good points. They worked hard, they worked fast. But most of all, they worked cheap.

(Kevin and Donnelly pause near a stack of paint cans.)

DONNELLY: So, Arnold. When you said a few dollars, exactly how few were you talkin' about?

(Shot of Kevin looking at Donnelly off-screen.)

KEVIN: I'm not sure. Ya know...

(Kevin picks up a can of paint and gestures with it.)

KEVIN: I gotta buy supplies...

(Kevin walks forward.)

KEVIN: And there's overhead...(Gestures.)

(Shot of Donnelly looking off.)

DONNELLY: In ballpark figures.

(Shot of Kevin looking at Donnelly off-screen.)

KEVIN: Twenty...

(Close shot of Donnelly frowning at Kevin off-screen.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Donnelly off-screen.)

KEVIN: Four...

(Close shot of Donnelly frowning at Kevin off-screen.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Donnelly off-screen.)

KEVIN: Ninety-five.

(Shot of Donnelly looking off and shaking his head.)

DONNELLY: Thirty.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Donnelly off-screen.)

KEVIN: Thirty!? (Frowns.)

So this guy wanted to play hardball, huh?

(Kevin pause, and gets another can of paint.)

KEVIN: Sorry. Twenty-six is my limit.

(Shot of Donnelly looking off.)

DONNELLY: Twenty-eight. That's as low as I go.

(Close shot of Kevin pausing and looking at Donnelly off-screen as some dramatic music plays. Kevin squints slightly.)

KEVIN: Twenty-seven.

(Close shot of Donnelly frowning at Kevin off-screen. The music ends.)

DONNELLY: I'll go talk to my boys.

(Wide shot of both as Donnelly walks away.)

Heh-heh. Game, set, and match...

(Close shot of Kevin approaching the counter.)

Arnold. At eighty-some bucks for labor, plus materials, I'd have enough left from the five-hundred to qualify as a small fortune.

(The camera pulls back behind the clerk as Kevin sets his paint and supplies down.)

CLERK: OK. One-forty-two...for the paint.

(Shot past Kevin of the clerk.)

CLERK: That's twenty-eight...for the brushes.

(Close shot of Kevin frowning and glancing off.)

CLERK (V/O): Thirty-five for the rollers. And sixteen bucks for the tarp.

A very small fortune.

KEVIN: One-forty-two for the paint? (Frowns.) How'd you get that?

(Close shot of the clerk looking at Kevin off-screen.)

CLERK: I added! (Frowns.)

(Shot of Kevin looking in his wallet as Donnelly and Horvath approach from behind.)

CLERK (V/O): You got a grand-total of two-fifty-eight eighty-eight.

DONNELLY: OK. We're in.

(Donnelly walks off, followed by Horvath, followed by Spinoza.)

It was kinda like watching my wallet bleed to death.

(Kevin looks at the clerk off-screen.)

Still, at least now maybe the hemorrhage was complete.

(Close shot of the clerk looking at Kevin off-screen.)

CASHIER: Plus tax.

(Close shot of Kevin frowning at the clerk off-screen as he sets his money down.)

Cut to

Ext. Day - Miss Farmer's House

(Wide shot of the house. Sound of a rooster Kevin and his "crew" walk past the camera into the shot.)

The next morning, we arrived - on time, ready to tackle the task before us.

(Wide shot of the guys.)

DONNELLY: Wait a minute.

With just one little problem.

(Donnelly turns to face Kevin.)

DONNELLY: You never said anything about it being two storeys.

(Kevin frowns, and points with a brush.)

KEVIN: That's not two storeys.

(Wide shot of the guys and the house.)

DONNELLY: That's a window! Right there! Man, this is gonna cost more.

(Close shot of Donnelly.)

DONNELLY: I'd say...at least - fifty.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Donnelly off-screen.)

KEVIN: Fifty!? (Frowns.) Yeah, but we agreed on -

(Close shot of Donnelly looking at Kevin off-screen.)

DONNELLY: Fifty. Up front, and in cash.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Donnelly off-screen.)

It was a holdup worthy of Jesse James.

(Shot of all as Donnelly and Spinoza hold out their hands.)

And I wasn't buying.

KEVIN: Oh, no. No way, forget it! (Gestures.)

DONNELLY: But, Arnold -

KEVIN: Donnelly, we had a deal. (Gestures.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Donnelly off-screen.)

KEVIN: And a deal's a deal. Period.

Hey, I was no patsy.

(Close shot of Donnelly looking at Kevin off-screen.)

After all, I had an investment here.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Donnelly off-screen.)

MISS FARMER (V/O): Kevin!

(Kevin looks toward Miss Farmer off-screen.)

(Close shot of Miss Farmer's feet as she steps onto the porch.)

Unfortunately, at that moment...

(The camera pans up to her face.)

The stock market crashed.

MISS FARMER: I'm so glad you're here! (Smiles.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Miss Farmer off-screen.)

MISS FARMER (V/O): Are you just about ready to get started?

(Kevin glances at Donnelly off-screen, then looks at Miss Farmer off-screen.)

KEVIN: Uh, sure! (Smiles.) Just about.

(Shot of Miss Farmer holding a glass of lemonade.)

MISS FARMER: Good! (Smiles.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Donnelly off-screen.)

(Close shot of Donnelly looking at Kevin off-screen.)

DONNELLY: OK, Arnold. So we have a deal?

(Wider shot of the guys as Donnelly holds out his hand and Miss Farmer goes inside.)

KEVIN: Fine...(Frowns.)

(Kevin takes out his wallet.)

What else could I do? I was stymied.

(Kevin opens his wallet and looks in it.)

Greed and temptation had conspired against me.

(Kevin hands some bills to Donnelly.)

KEVIN: Let's just get to work now, OK?

DONNELLY: You got it.

(Donnelly divides up the money and passes it out.)

And then there was really nothing left to say, but -

DONNELLY: Boys? Breaktime!

(Shot of all as the guys walk away. Kevin looks after them, then glances at the house off-screen.)

(Closer shot of Kevin looking after the guys off-screen.)

Right.

Fade to

Ext. Day - Miss Farmer's House

(Close shot of Spinoza spreading out a tarp.)

("Takin' Care of Business" - Bachman-Turner Overdrive plays through the scene.)

(Close shot of paint cans as they are opened.)

(Kevin pours some paint into a tray, and hands it to Donnelly.)

(The camera pulls back to show the guys painting.)

So that weekend we got to work. We banded together as a team. It was time to put economic differences behind us.

(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)

It was time...to paint.

(Shot of a gloved hand painting the window-frame, then the glass. The camera pans to show Horvath looking at his mistake.)

Sure, maybe we had no idea what we were doing. So what?

(Shot of Donnelly using a paint-scraper.)

What we lacked in experience, we made up for with...

(Donnelly bangs the scraper into the wood.)

(Close shot of Kevin frowning.)

Lack of experience. And after two days of work...

(Shot of Spinoza painting his shoe.)

One thing was crystal-clear...

(Wide shot of the guys. Kevin steps off the ladder.)

This was a disaster.

(The music fades out.)

KEVIN: Can't you guys go any faster?

DONNELLY: We're going as fast as we can.

(Close shot of Kevin getting more paint. He looks up and gestures toward Donnelly off-screen.)

KEVIN: Hey, Donnelly, why don't you take that top window up there?

(Close shot of Donnelly looking at Kevin off-screen.)

DONNELLY: I'm afraid of heights.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Donnelly off-screen.)

KEVIN: I paid you for a second floor. (Frowns.)

(Close shot of Donnelly looking at Kevin off-screen.)

DONNELLY: I know. I appreciate it! (Smiles.)

(Shot of Spinoza on a ladder as he bumps a can of paint off it.)

(Shot of Kevin as the can of paint falls near him.)

(Close shot of Spinoza on the ladder.)

SPINOZA: Hey, Arnold, uh, we're gonna need some more paint.

(Close shot of Kevin. He frowns.)

Time was money, paint was money...so it was obvious what I had to do.

(Kevin gets up, walks around the house to a military march.)

I had to ask Miss Farmer for an extra hundred dollars. It shouldn't be difficult.

(Kevin opens the gate to the backyard, walks forward and pauses.)

This was business - simple economics. It had nothing to do with anything else.

(Close shot of Miss Farmer, wearing a zebra-patterned bathing suit and reclining on a chaise-lounge, reading as some bluesy saxophone plays.)

(Close shot of Kevin smiling a little. The camera zooms in slowly.)

Nothing to do with long legs, with soft skin, with the way a woman smelled in the morning.

(Shot of Miss Farmer.)

KEVIN (V/O): Miss Farmer? You got a second?

(She takes off her sunglasses.)

MISS FARMER: Hi, Kevin! (Smiles.)

(Shot past Miss Farmer as Kevin approaches.)

KEVIN: Uh...hi!

(Close shot of Miss Farmer looking at Kevin off-screen.)

MISS FARMER: I guess it must look kind of silly - me sunbathing here without a pool. (Smiles.)

(Close shot of Kevin as he looks off.)

But somehow, "silly" wasn't exactly the word that came to mind.

(Close shot of Miss Farmer looking at Kevin off-screen.)

MISS FARMER: So? How's it going?

KEVIN (V/O): Oh, fine! It's just...

(Close shot of Kevin lookng at Miss Farmer off-screen.)

KEVIN: Actually, uh, what I came to tell ya is I think it's gonna cost more than I thought.

(Shot past Kevin of Miss Farmer looking at him with mild concern.)

MISS FARMER: Really? Well, you should have told me! You can always come to me when you have a problem.

(Shot of a bag hanging from the chaise longue as she reaches into it, and pulls out some bills.)

(Close shot of Kevin smiling.)

Holy cow! This was gonna be easier than I thought. I was funded, I was flush!

(Miss Farmer holds the money toward Kevin off-screen.)

I was back in the chips.

MISS FARMER: Here! (Smiles.) Here's an extra ten dollars.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at the money.)

I was working...for peanuts.

(Close shot of Kevin. He forces a smile.)

KEVIN: Thanks.

(Close shot of Miss Farmer smiling.)

MISS FARMER: I'm glad I could help.

Cut to

Int. Day - Paint Store

(Wide shot of Kevin and the clerk at the counter.)

CLERK: There's paint, paint remover, pans, brushes...anything else?

(Kevin looks over his shoulder.)

KEVIN: A ladder.

(Close shot of the clerk.)

CLERK: Oh, yeah!

(Shot past the clerk of Kevin frowning.)

CLERK: You starting a new house?

(Kevin frowns and nods.)

KEVIN: Yeah, I'm painting the whole block.

(Close shot of the clerk. He smiles.)

CLERK: Oooh...

(Shot past the clerk of Kevin as he gets his wallet.)

CLERK: OK...let's add it up. That's forty-one dollars.

It was amazing. Forty-one on the nose. My once-magnificent fortune was now completely gone.

CLERK: Plus there's tax. (Smiles.)

(Wide shot of both as Kevin slaps some money into the clerk's hand.)

CLERK: Thanks! (Smiles.)

Cut to

Ext. Day - Miss Farmer's House

(Kevin is up on a ladder.)

I was flat broke. Busted. My only hope was to cut my losses and finish the job before it finished me.

HORVATH (V/O): Hey, Donnelly, over here. Look.

(Shot of Horvath and Spinoza looking in a window. Donnelly approaches.)

HORVATH: Look.

DONNELLY: Whoa!

(Close shot of Kevin frowning.)

KEVIN: Hey guys!

(Shot from behind Kevin of the guys. They look up.)

KEVIN: You think we can get a little painting done here?

DONNELLY: Lighten up, Arnold. We're on a break!

(Close shot of Kevin frowning.)

KEVIN: Alright, that's it!

(Kevin comes down the ladder.)

I'd had enough.

(Close shot of Donnelly frowning at Kevin, then looking through the window.)

I was fed up with these jokers. I'd been pushed to my limits.

(Kevin approaches the guys.)

KEVIN: Hey, you guys took a break twenty minutes ago. It's time to get some work done now.

DONNELLY: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

And maybe that's when it hit me...

(Kevin frowns, moves to the window, and looks in.)

The horrible truth.

(Shot of Miss Farmer dusting some shelves.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at the guys.)

I was letting this poor school teacher's house be painted by...a bunch of perverts.

KEVIN: You know, I can't believe you! I am really, really surprised.

(Shot of the guys looking at Kevin.)

KEVIN: Donnelly, Spinoza, Horvath. I hired you. And from the first day all you've been doing is gold-bricking...and daydreaming.

(Shot past Kevin of the guys.)

KEVIN: And from now on, there's gonna be no more breaks, and no daydreaming. Do I make myself clear?!

(Close shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: Now, you're gonna take pride in your work. And you're gonna paint! And you're not gonna stop painting until this job is finished!

(Close shot of the guys. They are thinking.)

There! It was a summons to arms.

(Close shot of Kevin.)

An appeal to old-fashioned red-blooded ethics that called for only one reply.

(Shot of the guys.)

DONNELLY: We quit!

(Shot of the guys walking past Kevin. Kevin gestures.)

HORVATH: Seeya.

KEVIN: What do you mean, "you quit"? You can't just quit.

(Close shot of Kevin gesturing.)

KEVIN: I already paid you. I paid for those overalls!

(Shot past Kevin of the guys walking away.)

KEVIN: And those gloves...

(Close shot of Kevin.)

But suddenly - I was on my own.

Cut to

Int. Evening - Arnold Dining Room

(Wide shot of the Arnold's at the table. Norma is serving.)

(Close shot of Norma looking with concern at Kevin off-screen.)

NORMA: Kevin? Honey, are you alright?

(Wide shot of all.)

KEVIN: Yeah, I'm fine.

(Norma sits down.)

WAYNE: Hey, there's paint in my potatoes!

KEVIN: Shut up, butthead!

That night I was in no mood for jokes. Or potatoes.

(Close shot of Norma.)

NORMA: You sure you're not working too hard?

(Close shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: Yeah! Mom, I told ya, I'm fine.

(Close shot of Norma serving herself.)

KEVIN (V/O): Really.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at his food.)

KEVIN: Besides...it's my job.

(Close shot of Jack smiling, and looking at his food.)

NORMA (V/O): I know. But you look exhausted.

(Close shot of Norma.)

NORMA: Honey, no one would blame you if you quit.

(Shot past Norma of Kevin. He pauses with a forkful of food, and glances to Jack, then back to Norma.)

KEVIN: They wouldn't?

(Close shot of Norma. She smiles and shakes her head.)

And there it was - peace with honor.

(Shot past Norma of Kevin. He looks at the carrot on his fork.)

JACK (V/O): Quit?!

(Kevin looks toward Jack off-screen.)

(Close shot of Jack. He glances from Kevin to Norma off-screen.)

JACK: He's not gonna quit.

(Close shot of Norma looking at Jack off-screen.)

Woops.

(Wide shot of all.)

JACK: Ya know, Kevin, at first I had my doubts.

(Close shot past Jack of Kevin.)

JACK: But seeing how hard you've been working...

(Close shot of Jack.)

JACK: I gotta say...I'm impressed, son.

(Jack pats Kevin's shoulder.)

(Close shot past Jack of Kevin.)

And I guess that's when I realized, looking into my father's eye's...

(Kevin and Jack glance at Norma off-screen.)

(Close shot of Jack smiling.)

Seeing his admiration, his trust, his total mis-reading of the situation...

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Jack off-screen then looking away.)

I knew there was only one thing to do.

Cut to

Ext. Night - Miss Farmer's House

(Wide shot of the house and street as Kevin parks in front.)

(Kevin gets out and trots toward the house.)

I was gonna turn a profit from this thing, or die trying.

(Close shot of Kevin approaching the camera.)

Sure, I'd gotten confused by beauty, by lust, by greed.

(Shot of the door as Kevin walks past the camera and knocks on the door.)

But no more. Nope.

(Kevin turns around and rests on a post.)

From now on, business was business, was...

(Fantasy scene. Miss Farmer opens the door, all dolled-up in a sequined red dress. Bluesy saxophone music plays. Kevin turns around, and she grabs Kevin's shirt and pulls him toward her.)

MISS FARMER: I've been waiting for you.

Never mind...

KEVIN: You have?

(Back to reality. Shot of the inside of the door as Miss Farmer opens it, revealing Kevin. He turns around.)

MISS FARMER: Oh, Kevin!

KEVIN: Oh, hi.

(Close shot of Miss Farmer.)

MISS FARMER: I'm glad you stopped by. Won't you come in? (Gestures.)

(Wider shot of the kitchen as they enter.)

MISS FARMER: I just made some lemonade. Would you like some?

(Miss Farmer walks out of the shot while Kevin closes the door.)

KEVIN: No thanks. I just came over to tell you something.

(Shot of Miss Farmer approaching the sink, and glancing over her shoulder.)

MISS FARMER: Oh? What?

(Shot of Kevin approaching, then pausing.)

At that moment, I noticed something about Miss Farmer that I'd never before seen.

(Shot of Miss Farmer looking at Kevin expectantly. The camera pans across the room to a man holding some papers.)

She had a large man in her kitchen.

(Wide shot of the three of them.)

MISS FARMER: Oh, Kevin. This is Mr. Kaplan.

(Close shot of Miss Farmer. She smiles.)

MISS FARMER: He just...bought my house.

(Close shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: What?!

(Close shot of Mr. Kaplan.)

MR. KAPLAN: Please, Lisa...(smiles)...Dave.

(Close shot of Miss Farmer.)

MISS FARMER: We just signed the papers this morning.

(Shot of Kevin and Miss Farmer. Kevin glances at Mr. Kaplan off-screen, while Miss Farmer turns to the counter.)

I couldn't believe it. She'd really done this?

(Kevin frowns and steps closer.)

KEVIN: You're moving?

(Close shot past Kevin of Miss Farmer.)

MISS FARMER: Not far...just an apartment across town.

(Shot past Miss Farmer of Kevin looking concerned.)

(Shot past Kevin of Miss Farmer. She looks down, then off and smiles.)

MISS FARMER: I love this house. You know, when I first moved in, I thought one day I'd get married, and raise my family here...

(Close shot of Mr. Kaplan frowning.)

(Shot past Miss Farmer of Kevin.)

MISS FARMER: I just don't know what it is about this neighborhood.

(Close shot of Miss Farmer. She looks off.)

MISS FARMER: The mailman, my next-door neighbor with his lawn-mower...seems these guys see a single girl and all they want to do is take advantage of her.

(Miss Farmer looks at Kevin.)

(Close shot of Kevin glancing off.)

KEVIN: Oh...

(Close shot of Mr. Kaplan. He gestures with the papers.)

MR. KAPLAN: Uh...

(Close shot of Kevin.)

(Close shot of Miss Farmer looking down.)

And somehow, right then, I began to get an inkling of what was really going on here.

(Close shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: Well, uh...I guess you won't want me to finish painting the house, then, right?

(Kevin smiles and gestures.)

(Close shot of Miss Farmer smiling.)

MISS FARMER: Why, Kevin! Of course I do! After all, we made a deal, didn't we?

(Miss Farmer crosses in front of Kevin to the lemonade.)

I guess I already knew what came next.

(Miss Farmer smiles at Kevin.)

MISS FARMER: And a deal's a deal.

(Wide shot from behind Mr. Kaplan. Kevin and Miss Farmer are at the counter in the background.)

Yeah, that was it - the bottom-line. In anyone's ledger.

(Kevin approaches Mr. Kaplan.)

KEVIN: Mr. Kaplan...

(Close shot of Mr. Kaplan looking up from his paper.)

KEVIN: Ya know, this painting is getting pretty expensive. I'm gonna need some extra money to finish it.

MR. KAPLAN: Don't look at me kid. I just paid fifty-five grand, for a forty-thousand-dollar house.

(Mr. Kaplan nods, and looks past Kevin.)

(Kevin looks over his shoulder.)

In a world where everyone was taking advantage of everybody else...

(Shot of Miss Farmer reaching up into a cabinet.)

Sex and economics were facts of life.

(Shot of Kevin and Mr. Kaplan looking at her off-screen.)

For all of us.

Cut to

Classroom

(Shot of the empty teacher's desk and the blackboard.)

(Miss Farmer walks into the shot.)

MISS FARMER: The teenagers in Africa have a life that's very much different than yours...

(Shot of Kevin looking at her off-screen, and writing in his book.)

I continued to see Miss Farmer every day, but, somehow, it wasn't the same after that.

MISS FARMER: They usually spend their time working...

Cut to

Ext. Day - "Mr. Kaplan's" House

(Close shot of Kevin on a ladder, painting.)

After all, in a way, she'd done me a favor - taught me a lesson in "life".

(Kevin looks around and sighs.)

To wit, when it came to beautiful women and money, it would always end like this -

(Kevin resumes painting.)

Some guy would get stuck on a ladder in November...

MR. KAPLAN (V/O): Hey!

(Kevin glances down.)

(Close shot of Mr. Kaplan in his bathrobe on the porch, holding his newspaper.)

MR. KAPLAN: You missed a spot! (Gestures.)

("If I Didn't Care" - The Inkspots starts.)

(Mr. Kaplan walks toward the open door.)

(Wide shot of the house as Mr. Kaplan closes the door, and Kevin resumes painting.)

(The camera slowly pulls back to take in the entire house.)

And some guy would end up alone. All I know for sure is, it took me six weeks to finish painting that house. It cost me two-hundred-and-fourteen dollars of my own hard-earned money. And the next spring, Mr. Kaplan put up aluminum siding.

Fade to

CLOSING CREDITS

Music
"If I Didn't Care" - The Inkspots

Supporting Cast
Miss Farmer - Rebecca Staab
Donnelly - Seth Green
Paint Clerk - William Bronder
Mr. Kaplan - Jack McGee



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05/19/01 20:50