Episode 83 - "Private Butthead"



OPENING SEQUENCE


(Clip of Army helicopters flying over fields.)

In nineteen-seventy-two, the war was still raging in Vietnam.

(Clip of a single American soldier wading though thigh-high water.)

Politicians kept talking.

(Clip of a group of American soldiers as a helicopter lands behind them.)

Soldiers kept dying.

(Clip of a twin-rotor helicopter hovering, while men climb up rope ladders.)

And no one seemed to know why.

(Clip of two soldiers on rope ladders.)

But, maybe because the war had gone on too long...

(Clip of a B-52 dropping its stick of bombs.)

Or maybe, because it had caused too much pain...

(Clip of falling bombs.)

Whatever the reason...

(Clip of explosions in a jungle.)

Most of us managed to keep it at a distance.

Cut to

Int. Evening - Arnold Kitchen

(Shot of Norma and Wayne at the kitchen table. Norma is flipping through an SAT-prep book. Wayne is sticking a paperclip in his nose.)

And go on, with our everyday, normal lives.

(Norma smoothes the book out.)

NORMA: Oh, come on, Wayne - you know this one.

(Norma looks at Wayne.)

NORMA: "Obsequious".

(Norma reads from the book.)

NORMA: "A", toxic... "B", easily upset, "C"...

(Shot of the doorway as Kevin enters from the dining room.)

NORMA (V/O): Fawning..."D", ambitious.

(Kevin pauses at the refrigerator, and looks toward Wayne and Norma off-screen.)

(Close shot of Wayne and Norma. Wayne pushes the paperclip into his nose as Norma looks at him.)

My brother, for example, was studying for his college entrance exams.

(Wayne pulls the paperclip out.)

WAYNE: Ow!

(He grabs his nose.)

(Shot past Wayne of Norma.)

NORMA: What's the matter?

(Shot past Norma of Wayne.)

WAYNE: I just cut my nose with this paperclip! (Frowns.)

(Shot of Kevin pouring a drink, and looking at Wayne off-screen.)

Well, "studying" may have been an overstatement.

NORMA (V/O): Wayne...

(Wider shot of Norma and Wayne.)

NORMA: You have to concentrate, or you're never gonna be ready for your SAT's!

(Norma adjusts the book. Kevin moves past the camera slightly.)

WAYNE: Well, I don't know why I have to take 'em - I already took 'em once. (Gestures.)

(Shot past Wayne of Norma.)

NORMA: I know, honey, but...

(Norma pats Wayne's hand.)

NORMA: You just...

(She looks at the book.)

NORMA: Need to do a little bit better.

WAYNE: You know... (Gestures.)

(Shot past Norma of Wayne.)

WAYNE: I don't know what the big deal is about college anyway. It's not like if I don't go...(gestures)...I'm gonna get drafted or somethin'. (Frowns.)

(Wayne shakes his head and wipes his nose. Norma looks at the book.)

Luckily, Wayne's draft lottery number was 312...

(Close shot of Kevin frowning slightly.)

Unfortunately, that was also his first SAT score.

(Shot past Kevin of Wayne and Norma.)

NORMA: "Obsequious"...means...

(She looks at Wayne expectantly.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Wayne off-screen.)

(Shot past Wayne of Norma as she frowns and nods.)

NORMA: Fawning.

WAYNE: OK, OK...

NORMA: OK?

WAYNE: OK.

NORMA: OK...

(Shot past Norma of Wayne, as she looks at the book.)

WAYNE: I hope this doesn't get infected.

(Wayne squeezes his nose, looks at his fingers, then rubs his nose.)

The thing is, the guy wasn't a total idiot.

(Shot past Wayne of Norma as she looks at him.)

NORMA: So, obsequious is...

(Norma nods and looks at Wayne expectantly.)

(Shot past Norma of Wayne as he looks up suddenly at her, blankly.)

He was just...unconscious.

(Close shot of Kevin. He frowns.)

KEVIN: Fawning!

(Shot past Kevin of Wayne and Norma. They both look at him, then Norma looks at the book.)

WAYNE: Great! Break my concentration!

(Wayne throws the paperclip at Kevin.)

(Close shot of Kevin as he frowns.)

But no matter how much of a problem the SAT's were...

(Shot past Norma of Wayne as she looks at him, and he sticks a pencil in his ear.)

NORMA: "Lugubrious".

(Norma reads from the book.)

NORMA: "A", tasty...

Wayne had an even bigger problem.

NORMA: "B", mournful..."C", unnatural...

A problem of cosmic proportions.

NORMA: "D", sympathetic.

(Norma looks up at Wayne and pulls the pencil out of his ear.)

WAYNE: Ow!

(Wayne grabs his ear, as Norma looks at the book.)

Cut to

Ext. Morning - Arnold Roof

(Shot of the sun flaring the lens, and Jack's shoulder in one corner.)

A problem...

(Jack stands up, wearing his football sweatshirt, holding a hammer.)

That could block the sun.

JACK: Wayne?! What are you doin'?

(Shot of Wayne sitting, and Kevin kneeling, on the roof, holding hammers.)

WAYNE: What?

(Wayne looks at the shingles.)

WAYNE: What'd I do, now?

(Wider shot of Jack standing next to Wayne and Kevin.)

JACK: I told you...(points)...the shingles have to overlap.

WAYNE: They are overlapped.

(Jack moves over to his area of roof.)

JACK: And there's supposed to be two nails in every shingle.

(Jack kneels.)

JACK: How many nails you got in there?

(Jack reaches for a shingle.)

WAYNE: About two...

(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Jack looking over his shoulder.)

JACK: Pay attention, will ya?

(Jack lays the shingle down.)

(Shot of Wayne and Kevin.)

WAYNE: Whatever you say, Dad.

(They resume hammering.)

As Wayne inched his way towards graduation...

(Wide shot of Jack looking over his shoulder toward the camera.)

Dad worried about everything he did.

(Jack looks at his shingle.)

(Shot of Wayne and Kevin. Wayne reaches for some shingles.)

And his worries came out as complaints.

(A roll of tar-paper rolls down the roof past Kevin.)

WAYNE: Oh!

(Kevin tries to hook the roll with his hammer as it rolls over a stack of shingles, off the roof.)

KEVIN: Hey! Hey!

(Close shot of Wayne grimacing.)

(Wide shot of the front yard, ladder, and house, as the roll drops onto a trash can.)

WAYNE: Oops!

(Shot of Jack looking toward the camera, frowning.)

Unfortunately, the more Dad complained...

(Close shot of Wayne smiling and shrugging.)

The worse Wayne did.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Wayne off-screen.)

It was almost as if Wayne thought he was expected to screw up.

(Kevin looks toward Jack off-screen.)

(Shot of Jack frowning.)

JACK: I don't believe it...

(Jack looks down, then at Wayne off-screen.)

(Shot of Wayne and Kevin.)

WAYNE: Dad, I know what I'm doin', OK?! (Gestures.)

(Close shot of Jack.)

JACK: Then do it. Use your head, will ya?

(Jack frowns, shakes his head slightly, and turns away.)

(Close shot of Wayne looking down, then at Jack off-screen.)

WAYNE: Whatever you say, Dad.

(Wayne looks down.)

(Shot of Jack as he looks over his shoulder, and back.)

But even though the problem seemed clear enough...

(Close shot of Kevin looking toward Wayne off-screen, frowning.)

KEVIN: Look, Wayne...Dad's just tryin' to help.

(Close shot of Wayne looking up at Kevin off-screen.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking toward Wayne off-screen.)

KEVIN: He cares about ya - that's why he does this.

(Close shot of Wayne looking at Kevin off-screen.)

For some reason...

(Close shot of Kevin glancing toward Jack off-screen, then down.)

The solution just wasn't that simple.

(Close shot of Wayne looking at Kevin off-screen, then lurching forward.)

(Shot of Kevin and Wayne, as Wayne hits Kevin on the arm.)

WAYNE: Butthead!

KEVIN: Butt breath!

(Kevin hits Wayne's shingle with his hand. Wayne hits Kevin's shingle with his hammer.)

Ironically...

(Shot of Jack looking over his shoulder. He frowns and shakes his head, then adjust his shingle.)

While the long arm of the future was reaching out for Wayne...

Cut to

Guidance Office

(Close shot of Mrs. Ruebner, a middle-aged woman, sitting at a desk, leafing through manila folders.)

MRS. RUEBNER: Arnold...Arnold...Arnold. Ah... (Smiles.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at her off-screen.)

The long arm of my guidance counselor was reaching out for me.

(Close shot of Mrs. Ruebner. She looks up from the folder.)

MRS. RUEBNER: Are you related to Wayne Arnold? (Squints.)

(Close shot of Kevin. He smiles uncomfortably.)

KEVIN: No.

MRS. RUEBNER (V/O): Very well, then...

(Shot past Kevin of Mrs. Ruebner. She sets the folders down and crosses hers arms, leaning on the desk.)

MRS. RUEBNER: What do you plan to do with your life?

(Close shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: My life? (Frowns.) All of it? (Frowns.)

MRS. RUEBNER (V/O): Yes.

(Close shot of Mrs. Ruebner.)

MRS. RUEBNER: What are you interested in?

(Close shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: Well...

(He looks off.)

Let's see. There were cars...girls, sports, and...girls...

(He frowns and nods.)

KEVIN: I like to read a lot.

(Close shot of Mrs. Ruebner.)

MRS. RUEBNER: Oh - anything in particular?

(Close shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: Well...

(He looks off.)

Let's see. There were books about cars, girls, sports, and...girls.

KEVIN: I like the classics. (Smiles.)

(Close shot of Mrs. Ruebner.)

MRS. RUEBNER: You should start thinking about what college you want to go to.

(She looks across her desk.)

(Close shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: Really?! (Frowns.)

(Shot past Kevin of Mrs. Ruebner. She interlocks her fingers.)

MRS. RUEBNER: You have a chance to really do something with your life...(points)...you should start thinking about the future.

(She stands. Kevin stands.)

And faced with that mature logic...

(Close shot of Kevin looking at her off-screen.)

There was only one thing to say.

KEVIN: Do I need a hall pass to get back into class?

(Shot past Kevin of Mrs. Ruebner. She frowns as she hands a pass to Kevin.)

(Shot past Mrs. Ruebner of Kevin as he takes the pass.)

KEVIN: Thanks. (Smiles.)

(Kevin turns and exits.)

(Shot from the outer office as Kevin comes out the door.)

OK.

(Kevin closes the door and walks across the office.)

So I wasn't exactly panicked about my plans. Hey - I was sixteen years old.

(Kevin punches his pass in the time-clock on the counter. Kevin turns and pauses.)

To me, the future...

(Shot of Wayne and Wart sitting on a bench.)

Was someone else's worry.

(Wart smiles as a girl walks past, and shoots her with a spit-wad launched from a rubber band.)

GIRL (V/O): Jerk!

WAYNE: Ummmm!

(Shot across the counter of Kevin.)

KEVIN: Wayne...

(He takes a few steps, pauses, and frowns.)

WAYNE (V/O): Hey, look!

(Shot of Wayne and Wart. Wayne points.)

WAYNE: It's butthead!

WART: Yeah. It's butthead! (Smiles.)

That was Wayne's friend, Wart.

(Wart frowns as a boy passes, and Wart shoots him. Wart looks at Wayne and laughs.)

They were two pea-heads in a pod.

KEVIN: What are you doing here?

(Shot past Kevin of Wayne and Wart. Some students pass between them. Wayne runs his hands on his legs.)

WAYNE: We're getting an award for being the top students in our class.

WART: Yeah. We're valedorians. (Giggles.)

(Wayne smiles and points at Wart.)

(Shot of Mr. Quaranta, with his hand on a boy's shoulder.)

MR. QUARANTA: Arnold!

(Shot past Kevin of Wayne and Wart. They look toward Mr. Quaranta off-screen.)

COUNSELOR (V/O): Wirtshafter! Get over here.

(They slowly rise.)

KEVIN (V/O): Wayne, what's going on?

(Wayne frowns while looking toward Mr. Quaranta off-screen.)

WAYNE: None of your business.

(Wart looks at Kevin.)

WART: Yeah, none of your business.

(Close shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: What'd you do? (Nods.) Murder someone?

(Shot of Wayne and Wart. Wayne smirks.)

WAYNE: Eh-heh.

(Wart frowns and takes a step forward.)

WART: You're next!

(Wart rips a folio, and walks off.)

WAYNE: We just skipped school. (Shrugs.)

(Close shot of Kevin.)

WAYNE (V/O): That's all.

(Wayne smacks Kevin on the forehead, and walks past him. Kevin turns around with him, as Wayne walks off.)

Hmmm...

Cut to

Int. Evening - Arnold Living Room

(Close shot of Jack frowning. A "western" can be heard on TV.)

JACK: You skipped school?

(Shot past Jack's legs of Wayne sitting on the couch with his feet on the table, eating popcorn. Norma sits next to him. Wayne leans over and looks at Kevin off-screen.)

(Shot past Jack of Kevin sitting at the dining room table, studying. He looks up and gestures.)

KEVIN: Oh, I didn't say anything.

(Close shot of Jack frowning.)

JACK: He didn't have to - the principal called.

(Jack turns, and the camera pans as he takes a few steps.)

NORMA (V/O): Honey?

(Shot of Norma and Wayne.)

NORMA: How could you skip school?

WAYNE: Well...(gestures)...we didn't skip...I mean...

(Shot of Jack with his arms folded, looking at Wayne off-screen.)

WAYNE (V/O): We were gonna go, but then we just...didn't go, at the last minute.

(Jack turns his head slightly, and frowns.)

(Shot of Norma and Wayne.)

NORMA: Well...where did you go? (Nods.)

WAYNE: Nowhere. (Gestures.) We didn't do anything.

(Shot of Kevin looking up.)

KEVIN: Coulda done that at school...

(Kevin flips a few pages of his book.)

NORMA (V/O): Honey?

(Shot of Norma and Wayne. Wayne is looking toward the TV off-screen.)

NORMA: This is going to go on your permanent record!

(Wayne looks toward Norma. He smiles and gestures.)

WAYNE: So?

(Shot of Jack. He drops his arms and moves forward.)

JACK: So...

(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Jack approaching Wayne and Norma.)

JACK: Suppose you don't get into college?

(The camera moves in slightly.)

JACK: What are you gonna do then?

(Wayne gestures.)

WAYNE: I don't know...then I'll work at NORCOM.

(Shot of Kevin looking up and smiling.)

KEVIN: Fat chance.

(He flips a page.)

(Shot of Norma and Wayne.)

WAYNE: What do you mean? (Points.) Dad did it!

JACK (V/O): Wayne.

(Shot of Jack looking at Wayne off-screen.)

JACK: First I went to college, then I went into the Marines, and then I went to work at NORCOM. (Nods.)

(Close shot of Wayne frowning, then gesturing.)

WAYNE: So, I'll just get there a little faster. (Smiles.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Wayne, then Jack off-screen.)

But if my brother was looking for a free lunch...

(Shot of Jack looking at Wayne off-screen.)

JACK: You wouldn't get in the front gate.

(Close shot of Wayne turning to Jack off-screen.)

Seemed the kitchen was closed.

WAYNE: Well, thanks for your support, Dad. (Nods.)

(Wayne picks up the TV remote.)

WAYNE: I really appreciate it.

(Wayne looks toward the TV off-screen.)

(Close shot of Jack.)

JACK: Wayne...

(Jack looks down and sighs, then looks at Wayne off-screen.)

JACK: Go into your room, and study for your SAT's.

(Close shot of Wayne. He is looking at the TV off-screen. He shakes his head slightly.)

WAYNE: No, thanks.

(He clicks the remote.)

(Shot of Kevin looking up.)

And there it was.

(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Norma, Wayne, and Jack. Jack takes a step closer.)

A classic power-struggle. A stand-off between generations.

(Close shot of Jack looking at Wayne off-screen.)

JACK: Son...

(Close shot of Wayne holding the remote. He frowns and slowly looks at Jack off-screen.)

(Close shot of Jack looking at Wayne off-screen.)

JACK: Now!

(Close shot of Wayne as he hurriedly sets the bowl of popcorn down and stands up.)

(Shot from Kevin's perspective as Wayne hops over the couch and hurries into the hall.)

Not that the outcome was really in doubt.

(Wayne shuts the door behind him.)

Cut to

Arnold Hallway

(Shot of the closed bathroom door as Kevin opens it, wearing pajamas. He turns off the light and walks toward the camera.)

Still, it was becoming clear to me, that in the war between Dad and Wayne...

(Kevin glances in Wayne's room and pauses.)

The casualties were beginning to mount.

(Kevin turns at the doorway. The camera pans slightly to show Wayne sitting on his bed, looking at a book.)

KEVIN: Wayne? What are you doing?

(Wayne looks up, surprised, then frowns.)

WAYNE: Bowling.

(He looks at the book again.)

(Shot of Kevin as he approaches the camera. He gestures.)

KEVIN: You want me to ask you some questions or somethin'?

(Closer shot of Wayne as he looks up and frowns.)

WAYNE: Buzz off.

(Close shot of Kevin.)

(Shot of Wayne looking at the book. He gestures.)

WAYNE: I don't even know why I'm bothering with this stuff.

(He points to a word with his pencil.)

WAYNE: Eh, I mean, look at this word - "phlegmatic".

(He looks at Kevin off-screen and frowns.)

WAYNE: Do you know what that means? (Gestures.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Wayne off-screen.)

Calm.

(Shot of Wayne looking at Kevin off-screen.)

WAYNE: "Calm". (Gestures.) Can you believe that.

(Wayne looks at the book and shakes his head.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Wayne off-screen.)

WAYNE (V/O): I mean, it doesn't even sound like calm.

(Shot of Wayne as he shakes his head, frowns, and looks forward.)

WAYNE: "Phlegmatic".

(Wayne looks at Kevin and gestures with the pencil.)

WAYNE: Sounds like...when your nose is stuffed up...

(He draws circles in the air.)

WAYNE: And you have a cold...you're...(shrugs)..."phlegmatic".

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Wayne off-screen.)

KEVIN: Yeah, you're right. (Smiles.)

WAYNE (V/O): Shut up, will ya!

(Shot of Wayne looking off and frowning, then looking at Kevin off-screen.)

WAYNE: And why can't people just say they're calm? Why say...(gestures)... they're "phlegmatic"?

KEVIN (V/O): They're just jerks...

WAYNE: Yeah.

KEVIN (V/O): Anyway...

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Wayne off-screen.)

KEVIN: You have a few more days...

(Close shot of Wayne. He glances at Kevin off-screen.)

WAYNE: Yeah.

(He looks down.)

WAYNE: You're right.

(He looks toward Kevin again.)

WAYNE: Gotta be more...phlegmatic.

(He frowns and looks down, then at Kevin.)

KEVIN (V/O): Yeah.

(Shot of Kevin as he turns and walks out the door. He pauses in the hall and looks over his shoulder.)

But I guess we both knew...

(Shot past Kevin of Wayne in the background, looking off, frowning.)

WAYNE: What am I gonna do?

(Close shot of Kevin looking over his shoulder.)

Somehow...this problem went deeper than phlegm.

(Kevin looks off.)

Cut to

Ext. Day - Arnold Driveway

(High shot from the roof of Norma as she unloads groceries from the car. She shuts the car door and walks next to it.)

NORMA: Jack?!

(She looks up.)

(Shot of Kevin kneeling on the roof, as Jack takes a few steps and sets some shingles down.)

NORMA (V/O): Jack?!

(High shot of Norma looking up at Jack off-screen.)

NORMA: Is Wayne home, yet?

(Low shot of Jack looking down at Norma off-screen.)

JACK: Not yet!

(High shot of Norma looking up at Jack off-screen.)

NORMA: Oh, he was so nervous this morning. I hope he remembers what obsequious means...

(Low shot of Jack looking down at Norma off-screen.)

JACK: I hope he remembered his pencil. (Smiles.)

(High shot of Norma as she walks out of the shot.)

(Wider shot of Jack with his hands on his hips, as he turns and approaches Kevin.)

By that Saturday, I guess we were all feeling a little tense.

(Shot of Kevin kneeling, and looking up as Jack passes the camera.)

I knew I was.

(Jack hands Kevin a box of nails, then sighs and sits near Kevin.)

KEVIN: You know, Dad, Wayne really studied like crazy for his SAT's.

JACK: 'Bout time...

(Jack pulls a nail from his belt, and adjusts a shingle.)

KEVIN: Well, what I'm saying is, sometimes, he just has trouble gettin' it.

(Shot from behind Kevin of Jack as he looks over his shoulder.)

JACK: What are you talkin' about? Wayne's a smart kid - if he stopped actin' so dumb.

(Shot of Jack and Kevin as Jack starts to pound a nail.)

KEVIN: Well, yeah, but, what I'm saying is that...

(Jack looks at Kevin.)

JACK: Look. A lot of kids don't do that well in high school. (Gestures.) I didn't do that well, myself. It's a chance for Wayne to turn things around.

(Jack hammers. He reaches in his belt for more nails.)

But it seemed to me that Dad was missing the point, here.

KEVIN: But what if he can't?

(Close shot of Jack as he looks at Kevin off-screen and sighs.)

JACK: You know, Wayne had a lot of trouble taking his first step. Took him a long time to do it. But when he finally did it...

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Jack off-screen.)

JACK (V/O): He didn't just take a step...he ran across the room.

(Close shot of Jack looking off and smiling slightly.)

JACK: Then he fell on his butt.

(He looks toward Kevin, and nods.)

JACK: But he got back up again. (Smiles.)

(Jack looks at the shingles.)

And for the first time in a long time...

(Jack looks over his shoulder and smiles, then back to the shingles as he hammers.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking toward Jack off-screen and smiling.)

I could see how much Dad was rooting for Wayne.

(Close shot of Kevin as he resumes hammering.)

How proud he was of him.

(Shot of Kevin and Jack. Jack is looking at Kevin and smiling. Sound of a horn playing "I Wish I Was In Dixie". They look toward the street.)

(Shot from Kevin's perspective as Wart's car pulls up to the curb.)

And at that moment...

(Shot of Kevin and Jack looking toward the car off-screen.)

I actually had the feeling everything was gonna be alright.

(Shot from Kevin's perspective as Wayne and Wart get out. Wayne trots onto the grass, smiling. Wart follows.)

WAYNE: Hey! Dad!

(Shot from behind Wayne of Jack and Kevin sitting on the roof.)

JACK: How was the test? Was it tough?

(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Wayne and Wart.)

WAYNE: Well, um...

(Wayne looks down and gestures.)

WAYNE: About the test...

WART: We didn't take it.

(Closer shot of Jack and Kevin. Jack glances at Kevin, then Wayne off-screen and frowns.)

JACK: What do you mean you didn't take it?

(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Wayne and Wart.)

WAYNE: Well, we did somethin' a little better! (Gestures.)

WART: A lot better.

(Wart smiles and nods.)

(Shot of Jack and Kevin.)

JACK: What'd you do?

(Closer shot of Wayne and Wart. Wayne looks down, and gestures with both arms.)

WAYNE: Well...

(Wayne looks up.)

WAYNE: We've been thinkin'...

WART: Yeah, we were thinkin'.

(Wayne frowns and gestures.)

WAYNE: And, why spend four years in a college, when there's a much better way to get a career? (Smiles.)

(Close shot of Jack frowning, then glancing at Kevin off-screen.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking from Wayne to Jack off-screen.)

(Close shot of Jack frowning at Wayne off-screen.)

JACK: Wayne!

(Jack stands up.)

JACK: What did you do?!

(Shot of Wayne and Wart. Wayne looks off and smiles.)

WAYNE: Well, we talked it over, and -

(He looks up and gestures.)

WART: We joined the Army! (Smiles.)

(Close shot of Kevin. He looks surprised, and glances at Jack off-screen.)

(Close shot of Jack frowning.)

(Shot of Wayne and Wart laughing and gesturing.)

(Shot from behind Wayne and Wart of Jack and Kevin standing on the roof. Wayne and Wart walk out of the shot toward the house as Jack and Kevin look at each other.)

Fade to

Int. Day - Arnold Kitchen

(Close shot of Norma frowning toward Jack off-screen.)

NORMA: This can't be happening!

(Shot past Wart of Kevin standing near the kitchen table.)

Even so, it had.

(Shot from Kevin's perspective of the kitchen. Norma sits in a chair in the center. Wayne and Wart are getting food at a counter, and Jack stands with his back to the camera.)

My mother's worst nightmare was coming true.

(Norma turns to Wayne.)

NORMA: Honey - you are just in high school!

(Close shot of Wayne, and Wart beyond him.)

WAYNE: Mom, we're eighteen years old...

(Wayne looks at Wart, then at Norma off-screen.)

WAYNE: And besides, the sergeant really liked us.

(Wayne and Wart look at each other. Wart holds a piece of bread and smiles at Norma off-screen.)

WART: Yeah! He said we were special.

(Wart looks toward Jack off-screen and takes a bite of bread.)

WAYNE: Yeah!

(Shot of Kevin looking blank, glancing from Jack off-screen, toward Wayne off-screen.)

It was unbelievable. My brother had joined the Army.

(Kevin frowns.)

KEVIN: You guys are kidding, right?

(Shot from Kevin's perspective as Wart and Wayne look over their shoulder toward him.)

WAYNE: No, butthead.

(Wayne smiles, then turns back.)

(Shot of Kevin looking at Wayne off-screen.)

Which left only one sane reasonable response.

(He glances toward Jack off-screen.)

(Shot from Kevin's perspective as Jack turns toward Wayne, frowning.)

JACK: How did you come up with such a dumb, stupid, idiotic idea!

(Shot of Wayne and Wart. Wayne hesitates then looks down and gestures. Wart gestures.)

WART: Well, actually...it was my idea. (Smiles.)

(Close shot of Jack looking at Wayne off-screen.)

JACK: And you listened to him? That's real bright. (Nods.)

(Shot of Wayne and Wart. They look at each other, then Wart looks at Jack off-screen.)

WART: Thanks! (Smiles.)

(Close shot of Jack frowning at Wart off-screen.)

WAYNE (V/O): Dad...

(Shot of Wayne and Wart as Wayne gestures.)

WAYNE: Listen, you know...It's not as dumb...as it sounds. I mean, if you just think about it - it makes sense! (Frowns.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Jack off-screen.)

WAYNE (V/O): The pay is good...

(He looks toward Wayne off-screen.)

WAYNE: And besides, they'll teach us to be anything we want - mechanics, uh, engineers, uh...

(Wayne turns toward Wart and gestures.)

WART: Topographical specialists...

(Wart smiles and nods at Jack off-screen.)

WAYNE: Yeah!

JACK (V/O): Wart?

(Close shot of Jack looking at Wart off-screen. He raises his eye-brows.)

JACK: Go home...

(Shot of Wart and Wayne.)

WAYNE: Well, I asked him to stay for dinner...

(Close shot of Jack.)

JACK: Goodbye, Wart.

(Shot of Wart and Wayne. Wart frowns as Wayne looks at him. They look at each other and shrug. Wart turns out of the shot as Wayne looks after him.)

(Shot of Kevin as Wart passes the camera.)

And with those social pleasantries out of the way...

(Wart turns around and gestures with the bread.)

WART: Nice seeing you folks.

(Wart smiles and gives a left-handed salute with the bread. He exits through the dining room.)

It was time for the family to talk turkey.

(Kevin looks over his shoulder.)

NORMA (V/O): Jack!

(Kevin turns forward.)

(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Norma sitting in the middle of the kitchen, Jack with his hands on his hips, and Wayne facing the counter making something to eat.)

NORMA: We can't let this happen.

(Jack sighs.)

JACK: You didn't take your physical yet, right?

(Wayne sets down the mustard bottle and turns around.)

WAYNE: No, but, you know, that's just...(Gestures.)

(Close shot of Jack looking at Norma off-screen.)

JACK: He's not in the Army.

(Jack looks at Wayne off-screen.)

JACK: Tomorrow, you'll go down there and tell 'em you changed your mind.

(Close shot of Wayne as he glances off then looks at Jack off-screen.)

WAYNE: No, you don't understand...

JACK (V/O): You don't understand.

(Close shot of Jack frowning.)

JACK: They're gonna send you off to Vietnam!

(Close shot of Norma as she looks down.)

JACK (V/O): They're gonna pack you up and ship you off so fast...

(Close shot of Kevin looking from Jack to Wayne off-screen.)

JACK (V/O): Your head's gonna spin!

(Close shot of Wayne frowning and glancing off.)

WAYNE: That's not what the sergeant said.

(Wayne shrugs and shakes his head.)

WAYNE: The sergeant said that -

(Close shot of Jack frowning.)

JACK: What's the matter with you?! They'll tell you anything!

(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Jack and Wayne standing face-to-face, with Norma sitting in the background.)

WAYNE: Well, you went to Korea.

JACK: That was different.

WAYNE: Why? (Gestures.) What was different about it?

JACK: Because you're a dumb young kid!

(Close shot of Wayne.)

WAYNE: Well, you were a young dumb kid, too.

JACK (V/O): Wayne! Listen to me!

(Close shot of Jack.)

JACK: You're not goin'.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at them off-screen.)

(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Jack and Wayne looking at each other.)

(Close shot of Wayne as he glances down. He looks up and shrugs.)

WAYNE: Whatever you say, Dad.

(Wayne nods and looks down, then looks at Jack off-screen and walks away.)

And with that...

(Close shot of Jack looking after Wayne off-screen.)

(Shot of Kevin as Wayne walks past him and through the doorway.)

So ended my brother's brief career in the military.

(Kevin looks over his shoulder after him.)

Cut to

Cafeteria

(Shot of Wayne and Wart sitting face-to-face, as they bang their straws on the table simutaneously to open them.)

For the next few days...

(They put the straws in their mouth, turn toward a girl at the next table, and blow the paper for the straws at her.)

Things pretty much went back to normal.

(They look at each other and smile.)

Normal for Wayne, anyway.

(A girl walks past them. Wart smiles and rolls his head around, looking at her.)
Cut to

Guidance Office

(Shot of Wayne and Wart on a bench. Wart shoots a spit-wad at passing girl with a rubber band.)

At school, he and Wart...

GIRL (V/O): Hey!

(Wart reloads and smiles at Wayne.)

Continued to pursue their stellar academic careers.

(Wayne and Wart slap hands.)

While at home...

Cut to


Ext. Day - Arnold Driveway

(Close shot of Kevin and Jack, as Jack grimaces. The camera pulls back to include the car with the hood up, and Wayne spinning a wrench on his finger.)

He and Dad settled back into the same old father-son routine.

(Kevin and Jack are looking at the motor.)

JACK: Wayne? Wayne!

(Jack taps Wayne's arm, and holds his hand out.)

WAYNE: What?

(The wrench slips of Wayne's finger and clatters onto the ground.)

(Jack straightens up and frowns at Wayne. Kevin and Jack look at each other.)

Cut to

Kevin's Bedroom

(Close shot of Kevin lying on his bed, holding a MAD magazine in front of his face.)

In a way, it was almost...reassuring.

WAYNE (V/O): Hey!

(Kevin moves the magazine aside and looks toward Wayne off-screen.)

KEVIN: Hey.

(Shot past Kevin of Wayne approaching with a box of stuff. Kevin sits up.)

KEVIN: What's goin' on?

WAYNE: Well, I was just cleaning out my room, and I...thought maybe you'd want to buy some of this stuff.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Wayne off-screen.)

WAYNE (V/O): Five bucks each...

(Kevin frowns.)

KEVIN: Hey...

(Kevin stands up.)

KEVIN: That's my football.

(Close shot of Wayne looking at the box.)

WAYNE: Oh. Oh.

(Wayne looks at Kevin off-screen.)

WAYNE: That I'll sell ya for two.

(Wayne smiles and laughs.)

(Close shot of Kevin shrugging.)

KEVIN: I'm not gonna pay ya to get my own stuff back.

(Shot from behind Kevin of Wayne.)

WAYNE: Fine. (Shrugs.) Take it all. Take whatever you want.

(Wayne sets the box on Kevin's bed.)

KEVIN: What's going on?

(Wayne looks down and rubs his forehead.)

WAYNE: I, uh...

(Wayne frowns and looks off, sucking his little finger. He looks at Kevin.)

WAYNE: I'm goin' down to take my physical, now.

(Close shot of Kevin blinking in surprise.)

KEVIN: What?!

(Close shot of Wayne as he gives a left-handed salute.)

(Close shot of Kevin.)

KEVIN: Wayne, you can't do this. (Frowns.)

(Close shot of Wayne frowning.)

WAYNE: Hey - it's my life!

JACK (V/O): Wayne?!

(Close shot of Kevin. He shrugs and gestures.)

KEVIN: Yeah, but...you told Dad that you...

(Shot from behind Kevin of Wayne.)

WAYNE: Well, I had to get him off my back!

(Jack enters the doorway in the background.)

JACK: Told Dad what? (Frowns.)

(Close shot of Wayne frowning and looking at Jack off-screen, then to Kevin off-screen.)

Course I knew I should keep my mouth shut.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Wayne off-screen.)

Still, brotherly confidentiality was one thing...

(Kevin looks at Jack off-screen.)

KEVIN: He's going in to take his physical.

(Close shot of Wayne turning from Kevin to Jack off-screen.)

The Army...was quite another.

(Close shot of Jack frowning.)

JACK: What are you talkin' about?

(Close shot of Wayne.)

WAYNE: You heard him.

(Wayne starts to put on his jacket.)

(Shot past Wayne of Jack, as Wayne puts his jacket on.)

JACK: Uh-uh...

And suddenly...

(Shot of Kevin looking at Jack off-screen.)

War had broken out again.

(Kevin looks at Wayne off-screen.)

(Shot past Wayne of Jack.)

JACK: I thought we said you weren't gonna do that.

(Close shot of Wayne as he takes a step forward.)

WAYNE: No, Dad. (Gestures.) You said...I wasn't gonna do it.

(Shot from behind Wayne as he steps toward the door. Jack blocks him.)

JACK: Wayne.

(Wayne shakes his head.)

JACK: You're not goin' anywhere.

(Close shot of Wayne looking at Jack off-screen and nodding.)

WAYNE: Oh, yes I am, Dad. (Shrugs.) And this time you're not gonna stop me.

(Shot of Wayne and Jack. Jack takes his hands out of his pockets, pauses, and steps aside.)

JACK: Fine.

(Wayne steps forward, and Jack pokes him on the chest.)

JACK: But if you go down there...

(Close shot of Wayne.)

JACK (V/O): Don't expect me to get ya out of this.

(Close shot of Jack.)

Maybe Dad was bluffing...maybe not.

(Close shot of Wayne. He looks down.)

In any event...

(Wayne looks at Jack off-screen.)

WAYNE: Bye, Dad.

(Shot of Wayne and Jack as Wayne exits. Jack glances down.)

This time...

(Jack looks at Kevin off-screen.)

Wayne didn't blink.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at Jack off-screen.)

KEVIN: I'm going with him, Dad.

(Shot from behind Kevin as he picks up his jacket and hurries past Jack.)

(Jack looks down for a few moments, then turns in the doorway.)

(Sound of the front door closing.)

Cut to

Ext. Day - AFEES Station

(Shot of Wayne's car approaching up the street. An olive drab bus is in the backround, and a jeep is parked on the other side of the street. Three long-haired civilians walk across the street.)

I'm not sure why I went along. Maybe I thought I could help.

(Wayne turns the car as it gets close to the camera. The camera pans as Wayne pulls into a parking spot directly in front of a large brick building.)

Maybe I just didn't want him to go there alone.

WAYNE: Well...

(Wayne sets the parking brake.)

(Shot through the windshield of Kevin and Wayne Kevin is loking toward the building. Wayne looks at Kevin. He takes a deep breath, turns toward the building, and sighs. Wayne looks at Kevin, then the building again.)

WAYNE: This is it.

(Shot through the windshield of the building. A soldier walks toward the camera, and others mingle near the entrance.)

KEVIN (V/O): Yeah.

(Shot past Kevin of Wayne as Wayne turns toward him.)

WAYNE: Look, um...I'm not gonna be around to take care of you anymore.

(Kevin turns toward Wayne.)

(Shot past Wayne of Kevin, who raises his eye-brows. Wayne looks down.)

WAYNE: Well, see - the thing is...(Gestures.)

(Shot past Kevin of Wayne.)

WAYNE: Even when I'm not around...I'm gonna be around. (Nods.)

(Shot past Kevin of Wayne.)

(Wayne looks forward.)

WAYNE: I mean, I want you to have fun...

(Wayne gestures and frowns.)

WAYNE: Uh, get into trouble...

(Shot past Kevin of Wayne.)

WAYNE: Don't be...obsequious...or...phlegmatic, and, and...(frowns)...when you think of me, don't be...

(Wayne turns forward and looks off.)

WAYNE: Lugubrious.

(Wayne looks at Kevin, then forward.)

Let's face it.

(Shot past Wayne of Kevin.)

The guy was no orator.

KEVIN: I won't.

(Kevin glances away.)

(Shot past Kevin of Wayne. Wayne looks at Kevin, then forward.)

WAYNE: I better get in there.

(Kevin looks at Wayne.)

(Shot through the windshield of the building.)

I knew there was something I should say.

(Close shot through the windshield of Kevin as he looks at Wayne off-screen.)

Some way to tell him all the things I was feeling.

KEVIN: Good luck.

(Close shot through the windshield of Wayne looking at Kevin off-screen.)

(Wayne turns toward the door and opens it.)

(Close shot through the windshield of Kevin as he looks after Wayne off-screen.)

I guess I just didn't say it very well.

(Shot through the windshield of Wayne walking toward the building. He looks over his shoulder and continues walking.)

Fade to

(Shot of a cannon on the grass in front of the building as Kevin approaches it.)

That afternoon, I thought about all the times that Wayne and I had had.

(Kevin bends down and looks down the barrel of the cannon.)

(Closer shot of the barrel as Kevin looks in it.)

When growing up was still a game.

(Kevin straightens up and looks over his shoulder.)

And life was what we made it.

(The camera pans as Kevin walks forward.)

(Fade to shot of Kevin sitting cross-legged on a bench. A column of soldiers walks through the shot as Kevin looks at them.)

I thought about how we'd played at war, afternoons in Harper's Woods.

(Fade to shot of Kevin's legs as he walks on cement.)

And how every night we'd shared a room.

(The camera pans up to him as he pauses and looks over his shoulder.)

(Fade to wide shot of Kevin sitting on the hood of Wayne's car looking over his shoulder.)

And how much I would miss him.

(Jack's car pulls up and turns into the parking space next to Wayne's car.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking toward Jack off-screen.)

I guess...

(Shot across the hood of Jack's car as Jack gets out, closes the door, and looks at Kevin off-screen.)

I wasn't the only one.

(Close shot of Kevin looking toward Jack off-screen.)

(Wider shot of Jack's car, as Kevin slides of Wayne's car, as Jack approaches.)

JACK: He still in there?

KEVIN: Yeah.

JACK: Takes awhile...

(They slow up and stop. They look toward the building off-screen, then glance around, waiting.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking toward Jack off-screen.)

(Close shot of Jack looking toward the building off-screen. He puffs his cheeks and sighs, then looks at Kevin off-screen.)

(Close shot of Kevin turning forward.)

(Telephoto shot of the building entrance. Two guys walk toward the camera as Wayne comes through the door.)

(Close shot of Jack looking toward Wayne off-screen.)

(Kevin walks forward next to him, and Jack puts arm out.)

JACK: Kevin, uh...let me have a minute. (Frowns.)

(Jack glances at Kevin.)

JACK: OK?

(Shot of Kevin as Jack walks past him. Kevin looks after him off-screen.)

(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Jack approaching Wayne. They slow up as Wayne puts his hands in his jacket pockets.)

JACK: How'd it go?

(Shot past Jack of Wayne as he looks down.)

WAYNE: You know...

(Shot past Wayne of Jack.)

JACK: Yeah...

(Jack looks down, then toward the building and frowns. He looks at Wayne.)

JACK: I remember my physical - it's a real pain in the rear. (Smiles.)

(Shot past Jack of Wayne as he looks down.)

WAYNE: Is that what you came down to talk to me about?

(Shot past Wayne of Jack.)

JACK: Nah, I guess not...

(Jack looks down, then off, and frowns. He looks down again.)

JACK: Wayne...you know I'm against this.

(Jack looks at Wayne.)

JACK: I haven't prepared you for it...

(Shot past Jack of Wayne as he shakes his head and frowns.)

WAYNE: Dad...

JACK: Let me - let me finish...

(Close shot of Jack as he looks off, then at Wayne.)

JACK: I haven't prepared you for anything.

(He shrugs and shakes his head slightly.)

(Close shot past Jack of Wayne. He looks down and sighs.)

JACK (V/O): You've been lookin' for my help...

(Close shot of Jack as he frowns, then shrugs and shakes his head slightly.)

JACK: I don't know where I've been.

(Jack pauses, then looks down.)

JACK: I, uh...

(Jack looks at Wayne.)

JACK: I wanted so much more for ya.

(Close shot past Jack of Wayne looking down.)

JACK (V/O): I wanted -

(Wayne shrugs.)

WAYNE: I failed my physical. (Nods.)

(Close shot past Wayne of Jack. He frowns slightly.)

(Close shot past Jack of Wayne looking down.)

WAYNE: I've got psoriasis. They're afraid my back will really peel in the jungle. (Frowns.)

(Close shot of Jack.)

WAYNE (V/O): Psoriasis...

(Close shot past Jack of Wayne looking down.)

WAYNE: Can you believe that? (Shrugs.)

(Close shot of Jack. He frowns then looks down.)

(Close shot past Jack of Wayne looking down. He nods slightly and hesitates.)

WAYNE: I couldn't even do this right.

(Shot past Wayne of Jack. Wayne glances off, then down, and shakes his head.)

(Jack steps closer and puts his hand on Wayne's shoulder.)

JACK: It's OK...It's OK.

(Wayne looks down and shakes his head slightly.)

(Close shot of Wayne, and Jack's hand on his shoulder.)

(Wayne looks toward Jack off-screen.)

WAYNE: I just didn't know what else to do...

(Shot from behind Wayne as Jack puts his arms around him. They hug, and Jack rubs his back.)

("Forever Young" starts and plays throughout.)

(Close shot of Kevin looking at them off-screen. The camera moves in slowly.)

Love is never simple. Not for fathers and sons.

(Shot of Jack and Wayne hugging. The camera moves in slowly as Jack pats Wayne's back.)

We spend our lives full of hope and expectations.

(Close shot of Kevin looking at them off-screen.)

And, most of the time...we're bound to fail.

(Shot of Jack and Wayne hugging. The camera pulls back and up.)

But that afternoon, as I watched my father sheltering his son...against a future that was so unsure...all I knew was...

(Kevin approaches them. The camera is quite high and far back.)

They didn't want to let each other down, anymore.

Fade to

Ext. Day - AFEES Station

(Shot of Wart and his parents behind him, standing in front of a soldier holding a clipboard.)

SERGEANT: Name?

WART: David Wirtshafter.

(The camera rolls back as the soldier gestures over his shoulder, and the Wirtshafters walk past him.)

(Shot of Kevin and Wayne looking at Wart off-screen.)

(Shot of Wart. The camera pans with him as he approaches Wayne and Kevin.)

WART: Hey, you buttheads.

(Close shot of Wart smiling.)

WART: Hey, you take care of yourself.

(Shot past Wart as Wayne shake hands.)

WAYNE: You take care of yourself, man.

(Close shot of Wart.)

WART: Don't take any crud from anyone. (Nods.)

(Close shot of Wayne. He licks his lip and shakes his head.)

WAYNE: I won't. (Nods.)

(Close shot of Wart smiling.)

WART: Wish you were coming with me!

(Wider shot of the three of them. Wart pats Wayne on the shoulder and walks past him, toward his parents waitng near the bus door. Kevin and Wayne turn to watch him.)

A few days later, Wart left for basic training.

(Wart hugs his mother.)

(Shot of Kevin and Wayne looking at Wart off-screen.)

He spent two months at Fort Polk, Louisiana.

(Closer shot of Wart smiling and shaking his father's hand.)

And then, David Wirtshafter...

(Wart takes his suitcase from his father and turns toward the bus.)

(Shot of Kevin and Wayne looking at Wart off-screen.)

Was shipped to Vietnam.

(Close shot of the open bus door. Wart leans out and smiles. He gives a left-handed salute.)

A big goofy kid.

(He smiles again, then moves back into the bus.)

Who didn't know what his future would be.

Fade to

CLOSING CREDITS

Supporting Cast
Wart - Scott Menville
Mrs. Ruebner - Pat Crawford Brown
Mr. Quaranta - Joseph Whipp

Music
"Forever Young" - Joan Baez



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03/20/05 08:55