Episode 80 - "Road Test"
OPENING SEQUENCE
(Sound of "jungle drums".)
(Clip of a group of dancing Nigerian men, dressed in ceremonial feathers and beads.)
Every culture has its own rites of passage.
(Clip of young Japanese? men dancing.)
Ways of marking that leap from childhood...
(Clip of dancing American Indian? man wearing a crested head-dress.)
To manhood.
(Clip of a Japanese? man beating a huge drum.)
Complex rituals...
(Clip of a Balinese? man dancing, surrounded by seated young children.)
Weird dances...
(Clip of two men carrying a wild boar on a stick between them.)
Acts of courage and survival.
(Clip of a man "bungee jumping" off a tower.)
It's a tradition as old as civilization. Or...
Cut to
Ext. Day - Arnold House
(Close shot of the front of a lawn-mover moving over a lawn.)
As recent as crabgrass.
(The camera pans up to Kevin pushing the lawn-mower past the camera.)
Fact! In the suburbs...
(Wide shot from behind Kevin as he approaches the driveway. Jack has the hood of the car open, working on it.)
A boy's first steps towards manhood start behind a lawnmower.
(Kevin turns and starts to mow toward the camera.)
JACK: Hey, Kevin!
(The drums end as Kevin chops the motor to idle, and looks over his shoulder.)
JACK: Watch where you're goin'. (Points.) You missed a patch.
(Kevin looks toward the patch, then back to Jack.)
KEVIN: Sorry, Dad.
(Kevin guns the motor, and continues to mow. The camera zooms in on him.)
Still, for me, at sixteen, lawn care had given way to something much, much, more important.
(Kevin pauses, and looks past the camera toward the street.)
(A car honks.)
(Shot of a young man backing a red Mustang convertible into the parking space across the street.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking toward the car off-screen.)
The driver's license.
(The car horn sounds.)
(Kevin sighs.)
The thing that separates the boys...
(Closer shot of the man looking in the side-view mirror, brushing his hair with his hand. A young woman approaches the car.)
KEVIN (V/O): Lucky stiff.
(The camera pans up to the woman as she happily trots toward the car.)
From the men.
(The woman opens the passenger door and sits down.)
And so on, and so forth...
(They couple leans toward each other and they kiss.)
JACK (V/O): Kev!
(Close shot of Kevin looking toward the couple off-screen. Jack is in the background, frowning.)
JACK: Kev!!
(Kevin looks over his shoulder at Jack.)
JACK: The hell are ya doin' there?
(Kevin looks down at the lawnmower.)
KEVIN: I was just -
(Kevin looks toward the couple off-screen.)
JACK: You're burning a hole in the yard!
(Kevin sighs and looks down at the mower.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Jack off-screen, with the street behind him.)
KEVIN: Right, Dad!
(Close shot of Jack.)
JACK: And don't forget to put the mower away when you're finished!
(Close shot of Kevin looking up from the mower toward Jack off-screen, and frowning and nodding.)
KEVIN: OK, I will!
(Close shot of Kevin, and Jack in the background. Jack looks at Kevin as he walks away with his toolbox.)
(Kevin frowns and turns forward.)
(Wide shot of Kevin and the street behind him, as he starts to mow again.)
But the truth was, by the spring of tenth grade, it was time to put the mower in mothballs.
(The camera moves in on Kevin as he approaches it.)
Forget the crabgrass. Make the jump from two cylinders...
(Kevin passes the camera.)
Fade to
Ext. Day - Driver's Ed Car
(High shot of a street as a car slowly drives into the shot from the bottom.)
To real horsepower.
(The camera lowers to eye-level behind the driver's-ed car, as it screeches to a stop.)
(Shot through the windshield of the car, of the instructor, Coach Meecham, and Alice who is driving. Kevin is in the back seat between Harold and Slovoski.)
COACH MEECHAM: OK, now, Miss Pedermeir - let's try it again.
ALICE: OK.
COACH MEECHAM: Only this time - easy on the brake. (Gestures.) 'Kay?
(Shot through the passenger window as Alice turns to Coach Meecham.)
ALICE: Which one's the brake?
(Coach Meecham's smile fades as he looks forward.)
Driver's ed.
(Close shot of Kevin frowning, and glancing from Alice to Coach Meecham off-screen.)
The final demarcation line between those who could...
(Kevin glances at Harold, then Slovoski off-screen.)
And those who probably shouldn't.
(Close shot of the front fender of the moving car.)
COACH MEECHAM (V/O): Easy gas...
(The camera pans over to Coach Meecham.)
COACH MEECHAM: Easy brake...easy gas -
(The camera pans to Harold, Kevin, and Slovoski. Alice screeches to a stop, and the guys jerk forward.)
(Harold is looking toward the inside of the door.)
By the second week of on-the-road training...
(Harold holds something up and looks at it.)
One thing was becoming clear.
HAROLD: Yucccch - old gum.
(Slovoski turns toward Harold.)
SLOVOSKI: Yeah? Heh - what flavor?
(Harold hands the gum to Slovoski.)
When it came to operating a motor-vehicle...
(Slovoski smiles at Kevin then looks at the gum as he picks stuff off it.)
These other kids were gonna need a lot of help.
(Shot from the passenger window of Coach Meecham and Alice.)
COACH MEECHAM: That's fine for today, Miss Pedermeir.
(Coach Meecham clenches his teeth and looks down at his clipboard as Alice turns toward him.)
ALICE: I thought you said we were gonna do freeways - I want to do freeways!
Fortunately, in this car full of jokers...
(Shot through the windshield of Coach Meecham looking at his clipboard.)
The coach had one ace up his sleeve.
COACH MEECHAM: Arnold!
(Coach Meecham looks over his shoulder as the camera pans toward Kevin.)
COACH MEECHAM (V/O): You ready?
(Kevin smiles.)
KEVIN: Sure am!
(Kevin leans forward to get out of the car.)
A man...
(Shot from the driver's window of Kevin and Coach Meecham as Kevin drives.)
Who was born to drive.
(Kevin looks over his shoulder to check traffic.)
(Shot from in front of the car as Kevin changes lanes.)
(Close shot through the windshield of Coach Meecham looking toward Kevin off-screen.)
COACH MEECHAM: Nice lane-change.
(He smiles and looks at his clipboard.)
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Well, I did my best. (Smiles.)
And, put simply...
(Kevin glances toward Coach Meecham, then forward, and smiles.)
(Shot of Alice, Slovoski, and Harold in the back seat.)
My best was a lot better than anyone else's.
(Shot from the driver's window of Kevin and Coach Meecham.)
COACH MEECHAM: I'd like everyone to note how Arnold here looked over his left shoulder before merging.
(Coach Meecham looks over his shoulder.)
COACH MEECHAM: That's, uh, this one...(taps his shoulder)...Slovoski. (Laughs.)
(Shot of Alice, Slovoski, and Harold in the back seat.)
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin smiling.)
COACH MEECHAM (V/O): And look at that hand-position, a perfect ten-and-two.
(Shot through the windshield of Coach Meecham looking toward the steering wheel off-screen.)
COACH MEECHAM: The motor-vehicle people are gonna be looking for that.
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin smiling.)
KEVIN: Thanks, coach.
(Shot from the driver's window of Kevin and Coach Meecham.)
Yeah, I didn't wanna brag...
(Shot of a portion of the school parking lot, with an area outlined with orange plastic cones. The car approaches the camera from the background.)
But let's face it - I had it all...the reflexes, the instincts, the timing. The whole repertoire.
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin concentrating as he stops the car.)
Well, almost the whole repertoire.
(Kevin turns toward Coach Meecham off-screen.)
(Shot through the windshield of Coach Meecham looking at his watch.)
COACH MEECHAM: OK, we got a couple of minutes here...
(Coach Meecham turns around in his seat.)
COACH MEECHAM: So why don't we jump ahead to our next section?
(Shot from the back seat of Kevin and Coach Meecham.)
COACH MEECHAM: Parallel parking. It will be on your road test.
(Shot of Harold, Slovoski, and Alice in the back seat.)
COACH MEECHAM: (V/O): I repeat, it will be on the test.
(Shot of Kevin smiling as he looks toward the back seat off-screen.)
Heh-heh, you almost had to feel sorry for the poor saps.
COACH MEECHAM (V/O): Arnold - why don't we show 'em how it's done?
(Shot of Coach Meecham looking toward Kevin off-screen.)
COACH MEECHAM: She's all yours.
(Shot of Kevin smiling and gesturing as he turns forward.)
KEVIN: Sure!
(Shot through the windshield of all.)
Course it was only right I should be the first.
(Kevin adjusts the shift-lever. Coach Meecham points.)
COACH MEECHAM: Left hand at noon...
(Kevin glances at Coach Meecham and puts his hand on the steering wheel.)
(Coach Meecham gestures.)
COACH MEECHAM: Right arm over the bench.
(Kevin put his arm over the seat, adjusts his postion, and looks at Coach Meecham.)
After all, I was the natural.
COACH MEECHAM: Now, ease her on in.
(High wide shot of the outlined parking space as the car backs toward it.)
Yep, here it was - the final frontier.
(Shot of Kevin's arm over the seat, and Coach Meecham looking over his shoulder, smiling.)
COACH MEECHAM: You...got it.
(Shot of Kevin smiling as he looks over his shoulder. He concentrates as he cranks the steering wheel.)
The last thing standing between me and the open road. Get this...and I was home free.
(Close shot of the cones, and the bumper and wheel of the car as it backs up.)
(The car rolls over the cones noisily.)
(Shot of Kevin frowning.)
(Shot of Coach Meecham turning forward, and making notes on his clipboard.)
And that's when it happened.
(Shot of Kevin frowning and looking over his shoulder. He looks forward and gestures.)
KEVIN: What happened?
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin, and Slovoski and Alice in the back. Alice smiles as she leans forward.)
ALICE: You knocked over a cone!
(Kevin frowns as Alice looks toward Slovoski and Harold.)
ALICE: He knocked over a cone!
KEVIN: I did?
(Kevin frowns and looks over his shoulder.)
SLOVOSKI: You creamed it!
(Slovoski and Alice laugh.)
HAROLD (V/O): Wow!
Course, it could have happened to anybody.
(Kevin turns forward.)
Still for some reason, it rattled me.
(Kevin turns toward Coach Meecham off-screen.)
KEVIN: Let me do that again!
(Shot through the windshield of Coach Meecham as he makes notes on his clipboard.)
(Bell rings.)
(Coach Meecham looks toward the bell.)
(Harold opens the rear door and starts to get out. Slovoski gets out on Alice's side.)
COACH MEECHAM: Sorry. We're out of time.
(Coach Meecham starts to get out of the car.)
COACH MEECHAM: We'll try it again next time.
(Shot of Kevin looking after Coach Meecham off-screen.)
COACH MEECHAM (V/O): See you all on Thursday!
KEVIN: Oh...
(Wide shot of the car as Coach Meecham and Harold approach the camera.)
And that was that. A small miscalculation, nothing more.
(Close shot through the windshield of Kevin. He looks off and shrugs.)
Not even worth a second thought.
Cut to
Cafeteria
(Shot past Kevin of Paul and Chuck as they eat.)
PAUL: So? You ran over a cone - so what's the big deal?
(Shot past Paul of Kevin.)
OK, two thoughts. But that's all.
(Kevin looks down.)
(Shot past Kevin of Paul and Chuck.)
CHUCK: Yeah, it's not like you ran over somebody's pet schnauzer or anything!
(Chuck smiles at Kevin, then at Paul.)
PAUL: That's disgusting!
(Paul smiles slightly and looks at Kevin.)
(Shot past Paul of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Yeah, you're probably right.
(Kevin smiles at Chuck, then pokes his food.)
(Wide shot of the three of them at the table.)
CHUCK: Listen, I don't know what you're so worried about, Kevin, you're a really good driver! I've seen you!
(Shot past Paul of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Thanks.
(Kevin smiles and looks at his food.)
(Shot past Kevin of Paul and Chuck.)
PAUL: Course he's never seen you park!
(Chuck snorts as Paul turns to him and smiles.)
(Shot past Paul of Kevin as he frowns.)
KEVIN: What's that supposed to mean? (Gestures.)
(Shot past Kevin of Paul and Chuck.)
PAUL: Nothing - it's a joke!
(Chuck smiles and nods.)
CHUCK: Boy, Kev, are you jumpy!
(Shot past Paul of Kevin glancing from Chuck to Paul.)
(Shot past Kevin of Paul and Chuck.)
PAUL: Come on, anyone could flub up the first couple of times they parallel park.
(Paul looks at Chuck.)
PAUL: Right?
CHUCK: Absolutely! (Nods.)
The trouble was...
(Close shot of Kevin looking at the guys off-screen.)
This wasn't just anybody we were talking about, this was - me!
KEVIN: Hey, I never said a couple of times! (Frowns.)
(Kevin holds up a finger.)
KEVIN: It was once, OK? So let's drop it!
(Close shot of Paul.)
PAUL: Fine! (Smiles.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking at Paul off-screen. He shrugs and nods.)
KEVIN: Besides, no one's ever failed their driver's test just because they couldn't parallel park, right?
(Close shot of Chuck as he gestures and glances at Paul then Kevin off-screen.)
CHUCK: Right!
(Close shot of Paul looking toward Chuck, then looking at Kevin off-screen and nodding slightly.)
(Close shot of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Right.
(He looks at his food as he pokes it.)
Cut to
Ext. Day - Driver's Ed Car
(Shot of cars in the parking lot as the driver's ed car enters the shot.)
And there you had it. Solid logic.
(The camera pans across the car to Kevin and Coach Meecham, as Kevin stops the car.)
In theory, anyway.
(Coach Meecham makes notes on his clipboard.)
COACH MEECHAM: OK, we'll try it again. (Gestures.) Left hand at noon...
(Kevin adjusts the shift-lever and puts his hand on the wheel.)
COACH MEECHAM: Right arm over the bench.
(Kevin puts his arm over the seat and looks at Coach Meecham.)
COACH MEECHAM: You ready, Arnold? (Nods.)
(Kevin looks forward and sighs.)
Hah!
KEVIN: Got it!
Of course I was ready.
(Kevin looks over his shoulder.)
(Shot from the behind the passenger seat of Kevin turned around, frowning.)
KEVIN: Slovoski, move your head!
(Shot through the windshield of Coach Meecham frowning at Kevin off-screen, and Slovoski ducking down in the back seat.)
I was just a little...
(Shot from the behind the passenger seat of Kevin as he turns forward and adjusts the shift-lever.)
Tense, that's all.
(Kevin turns to look over his shoulder.)
(Shot from the behind the driver's seat of Coach Meecham nodding at Kevin off-screen.)
After all, I had a reputation at stake here.
(Coach Meecham looks toward the back seat and smiles, then looks toward Kevin.)
(Shot from the behind the passenger seat of Kevin as he looks over his shoulder and starts to back up.)
(High wide shot of the designated parking space and cones as the car approaches.)
Still, with the proper amount of concentration...
(Shot from the behind the driver's seat of Coach Meecham looking over his shoulder and smiling.)
COACH MEECHAM: You got it...
(Shot from the behind the passenger seat of Kevin as he looks over his shoulder and steers.)
Plus the old God-given natural instincts...
(Shot through the windshield of Coach Meecham, and Harold in the back seat, both looking out the back window.)
COACH MEECHAM: You got it.
(Shot from the behind the passenger seat of Kevin smiling slightly as he steers. He stops the car and looks forward as he adjusts the shift-lever.)
Yeah, what a comeback.
(Kevin sits back excitedly and smiles at Coach Meecham off-screen.)
From here on in it was gonna be smooth sailin'.
(Shot from the behind the driver's seat of Coach Meecham making notes on his clipboard, then starting to open the door.)
(Shot from the rear along the side of the car as Coach Meecham opens the door and looks down.)
(Sound of a boat horn and bells.)
(High wide shot of the car parked about 3 or 4 feet from the edge of the parking space.)
If you didn't mind swimming to the curb.
(Coach Meecham closes the door.)
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin, and Alice in back, both looking toward the parking space.)
ALICE: He missed! (Laughs.)
COACH MEECHAM (V/O): Good, Arnold!
(Shot through the windshield of Coach Meecham making notes on his clipboard. Slovoski and Harold are smiling in the back seat.)
COACH MEECHAM: Maybe next time we can try parking the rest of the car. (Smiles.)
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin, and Harold and Alice in back. Kevin looks at Coach Meecham off-screen as everyone but Kevin laughs.)
Hmmm...
(Kevin looks off.)
Cut to
Ext. Day - Arnold Driveway
(Shot of the lawnmower and Kevin's legs as he pushes it across the cement toward the camera.)
That weekend, for some reason, the old lawnmower felt kinda...good.
(The camera pans with Kevin as he passes it, and pushes the lawnmower into the garage.)
Familiar. Not like...
(Shot of Jack coming out of the kitchen door (the one facing the garage, this time:-)
Driving.
(Jack looks down the driveway, then looks past the camera toward the garage.)
JACK: Kevin?
(Shot past Jack of the garage as Kevin walks out.)
KEVIN: I know, I know - I'm putting it away. (Gestures.)
(Close shot of Jack.)
JACK: Nah, we gotta go pick up new shower doors. (Gestures.)
(Close shot of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Oh...
(Kevin walks back into the garage.)
(Close shot of Jack frowning at his car keys.)
JACK: Here! You drive.
(Jack tosses the car-keys past the camera.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking surprised as he catches the keys.)
KEVIN: Oh!
(Shot from behind Jack of Kevin at the garage.)
JACK: You got your driver's-test coming up.
(Jack turns and approaches the camera.)
JACK: You wanna practice, don't you?
(Kevin walks quickly toward the camera.)
KEVIN: Sure, but, uh...
(Kevin slows up a little, and the camera rolls backwards as Kevin looks at the keys.)
Course any other day I'd have jumped at the chance to hit the road in Dad's gas-guzzler, but -
KEVIN: I don't know, Dad.
(The camera stops behind Jack, who is facing Kevin, as Kevin pauses.)
KEVIN: Maybe I'll just...(gestures)...stay here. (Smiles.)
JACK: What? Somethin' wrong?
(Kevin looks mildly surprised.)
KEVIN: No, it's just that...
I should've told him. I should've told him, but I didn't.
(Kevin smiles slightly.)
KEVIN: Never mind.
JACK: Then come on, let's go.
(Jack turns and passes the camera toward the passenger side of the car. Kevin hesitates, then passes the camera toward the driver's side of the car.)
Cut to
Ext. Day - Residential Street
(Wide shot of the street and some parked cars as Jack's car approaches.)
I don't know, maybe I just needed some time to think it over.
(Shot from the driver's window of Kevin and Jack, both looking forward. Jack nods slightly.)
JACK: Not bad...
(They glance at each other. Jack smiles and nods.)
JACK: You're OK.
KEVIN: Thanks!
(Kevin smiles, then looks forward.)
Or maybe I needed a little confidence-building from the big man.
(Shot of a street and house in the background. The camera pans with Jack's car as Kevin approaches slowly, then stops in front of the camera.)
In any event, by the time we reached town, I was back on my game again. Ready for anything.
(Shot through the passenger window as Jack looks past the camera, and Kevin looks at Jack and smiles.)
JACK: Why don't you pull her in over there? (Points.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of a row of cars around the corner on a commercial street. One car is pulling out.)
(Shot through the passenger window of Jack and Kevin. Kevin frowns.)
Yikes.
(Jack turns toward Kevin.)
JACK: Go ahead, slip her in! (Gestures.)
(They look past the camera toward the parking space.)
KEVIN: Uh...
(Jack looks at Kevin.)
KEVIN: Sure! I'm on it, Dad.
(Kevin smiles nervously as Jack looks toward the parking space.)
(Shot down the commercial street as Kevin turns the corner.)
Of course this was no time to panic - I knew that. This was simple. Just a matter of wedging two tons of steel in a twelve-by-four parking space.
(Kevin slow up and stops next to the camera.)
Nothing to it.
(Kevin looks at Jack, then adjusts the shift-lever. Jack watches him.)
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin looking forward in concentration. The camera moves in on him.)
Nope, all I had to do was think it through calmly. Rationally.
(Kevin looks over his shoulder.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspective through the rear window, of the empty parking space.)
(Shot from behind the passenger seat of Kevin looking over his shoulder.)
And that's when I made my fatal mistake.
(Shot from Kevin's perspective through the rear window, of the empty parking space.)
(Close shot from Jack's perspective of Kevin looking over his shoulder.)
I thought about it a second too long.
(Kevin hesitates and swallows.)
JACK (V/O): Kev?
(Kevin turns quickly toward Jack.)
KEVIN: Huh?
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Jack looking sideways at him.)
JACK: What are you waiting for?
(Shot from Jack's perspective of Kevin looking over his shoulder again.)
KEVIN: Uh...
(A car honks its horn.)
(Kevin looks toward Jack and smiles.)
KEVIN: Nothing.
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Jack looking sideways at him, and nodding slightly.)
(Shot from Jack's perspective of Kevin looking toward Jack, then over his shoulder.)
But as I sat there...
(Shot from Kevin's perspective through the rear window, of the empty parking space.)
Completely paralyzed, I knew one thing.
(Shot from behind the passenger seat of Kevin looking over his shoulder and shutting his eyes tightly. The camera moves closer slightly.)
Only a miracle was gonna get me out of this now.
(Sound of a VW horn.)
(Kevin opens his eyes.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspective through the rear window, as a VW pulls into the parking space.)
Or...
(Shot from behind the passenger seat of Kevin looking over his shoulder.)
A 1970 Volkswagen Super-beetle.
(Close shot through the windshield of Jack looking at Kevin off-screen.)
JACK: What does that guy think he's doing?
(Jack glances toward the dashboard.)
JACK: Didn't he see the blinker?
(Jack looks over his shoulder.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspective through the rear window, as a man gets out of the VW.)
JACK (V/O): The idiot shouldn't be allowed on the road!
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin as he turns forward and gestures in mock frustration.)
KEVIN: Tell me about it.
(Shot through the windshield of Jack as he looks forward and gestures.)
JACK: Well then, just...go around.
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Sure, Dad. (Nods.)
(Kevin adjusts the shift-lever. A car horn sounds.)
But even though I escaped this time...
(Kevin glances toward Jack off-screen.)
(Shot through the windshield of Jack as he looks over his shoulder.)
The truth seemed clearer than ever. Instead of living life in the fast lane...
(Jack turns forward and shakes his head, then looks off.)
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin as he turns forward and shakes his head slightly.)
I was doomed to spend the rest of mine...
(Shot from in front of the car as Kevin drives off past the camera.)
Circling the block.
(Two cars follow behind him.)
Fade to
Ext. Day - Arnold Front Yard
(Shot of the front yard as Kevin pushes the mover toward the camera.)
Coming of age in suburbia - the ritual, the ceremony, the grandeur.
(Kevin pauses and looks past the camera.)
(Shot of the red Mustang pulling up across the street, and honking.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking past the camera toward the car, as Jack pulls into the driveway in the background.)
For anybody who could parallel park anyway.
(Shot of the Mustang as it backs into the parking spot.)
(Close shot of Kevin looking past the camera toward the car, as Jack walks along his car in the background.)
(Sound of the car horn.)
(Kevin turns around.)
With my driver's-test only a few days away...
(Shot of Kevin and the street behind, as he approaches the camera.)
JACK (V/O): Hey, Kevin!
(Kevin pauses and looks up.)
(Shot of Jack pointing.)
JACK: Don't forget to put that away!
(Close shot of Kevin as he glances off and nods.)
KEVIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
(He looks toward Jack off-screen.)
(Shot from behind Kevin as Kevin pushes the mower toward the house. Jack watches in the background a moment, then walks toward the front door.)
It was beginning to seem like the only wheels I'd ever be in charge of would come with a leaf-bag and a mulch attachment.
Cut to
Ext. Day - Driver's Ed Car
(High shot, nearly overhead, of the driver's ed car slowly pulling into a parking space.)
COACH MEECHAM (V/O): OK now, ease her on in. And...perfect.
The thing was, the harder I tried, the worse things got.
(Shot from the rear seat of Coach Meecham making a note on his clipboard. He turns toward the driver.)
COACH MEECHAM: Good, Grubner!
(The camera pans across to Grubner, who turns around and smiles.)
(Close shot of Kevin in the middle of the back seat. He smiles slightly, then looks off.)
I guess you could say it was starting to affect my self-image.
(Shot from the rear seat of Coach Meecham looking toward Grubner off-screen.)
COACH MEECHAM: That's almost everyone.
(Coach Meecham looks over his shoulder toward Kevin off-screen.)
COACH MEECHAM: Your turn, Bo-Peep.
(Close shot of Kevin looking toward Coach Meecham off-screen as Coach Meecham laughs.)
(Shot of Coach Meecham laughing, as a music-box version of "Mary Had A Little Lamb" plays.)
(The camera pans over to Grubner, who is laughing also.)
(Close shot of Kevin dressed like "Mary", complete with bonnet. He glances around, then notices his clothes. He looks forward, surprised.)
(Music ends.)
Cut to
School Hallway
(Sound of the bell and slamming lockers.)
(Shot of the crowded hallway as Kevin walks around the corner and approaches the camera, which rolls back with him.)
It was clear if I wanted to pull out of this, I needed to re-establish my territory. Assert my masculinity. The question was - how?
JESSICA (V/O): Hi, Kevin!
(Kevin pauses and looks over his shoulder. The camera pans slightly to include Jessica at her open locker in the background.)
Hello!
(Kevin looks toward the camera and smiles. He turns around and approaches Jessica.)
KEVIN: Jessica! Hi!
(The camera moves in on them slightly.)
Jessica Thomas. Just the kind of woman that could turn a man around.
JESSICA: Hi, I was wondering if I could borrow your bio notes...from yesterday?
(Shot past Jessica of Kevin.)
And I had something she wanted.
(Kevin smiles slowly, and starts to open his notebook.)
KEVIN: Sure!
(Shot past Kevin of Jessica. She looks toward Kevin's notebook, then at Kevin, and smiles.)
(Shot past Jessica of Kevin.)
KEVIN: So, you, uh...busy Friday night? (Smiles.)
(Shot past Kevin of Jessica.)
JESSICA: Maybe...maybe not.
(Closer shot past Jessica of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Well, there's a dance...want to go?
(Closer shot past Kevin of Jessica. She looks toward her locker for a moment, then looks at Kevin and shakes her head.)
JESSICA: I'm not big on dances.
(Shot past Jessica of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Or...we could ditch it.
(Shot past Kevin of Jessica. She shrugs.)
JESSICA: I might have plans.
(Shot past Jessica of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Cancel 'em.
(Shot past Kevin of Jessica. She smiles slightly and bites her lip.)
(Shot past Jessica of Kevin.)
OK, it was a risk, but -
(Shot past Kevin of Jessica. She pauses, then smiles.)
JESSICA: Alright. I will!
(Shot past Jessica of Kevin. He smiles slightly.)
Bingo!
(Shot past Kevin of Jessica.)
JESSICA: So, Friday then?
(Shot past Jessica of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Friday!
Yes! I saw the mountain...and I took it.
(Shot past Kevin of Jessica. She raises her eyebrows.)
JESSICA: So pick me up at eight? You can park the car out front. (Smiles.)
(Shot past Jessica of Kevin.)
Park?
(Kevin looks a little worried.)
KEVIN: Car?
(Shot past Kevin of Jessica.)
JESSICA: And honk?
(Jessica closes her locker, smiles, and walks past the camera. Kevin looks after her off-screen.)
(Shot from Kevin's perspective of Jessica as she turns and smiles at him.)
Oh no, oh no, oh no!
(Close shot of Kevin dresses as "Mary", with bonnet and sheep-hook. Some low music of doom plays.)
(Wider shot past Jessica, of "Mary" in front of the lockers, surrounded by sheep. Jessica turns and walks past the camera. Music-box version of "Mary Had A Little Lamb" plays.)
(The camera moves in slowly as Kevin looks at the sheep, then at Jessica off-screen.)
Cut to
Int. Day - Dept. of Motor Vehicle Office
(Close shot of the counter at the DMV office as Kevin slaps his written-test down. The camera pans up to Kevin.)
KEVIN: I've come to take my road test.
(Shot past Kevin of the man behind the counter.)
KEVIN: Now!
(The man looks up over his glasses slowly.)
I'd had it.
(Close shot of Kevin.)
I wasn't gonna spend the rest of my life as a shepherdess!
(Shot past Kevin of the clerk. He points.)
CLERK: Take a seat. Wait your turn.
(The clerk looks down again.)
(Shot past the clerk as Kevin turns away, and walks across the crowded waiting room.)
OK - be rude about it. I didn't care. It was time to take the bull by the horns.
(Kevin pauses and looks through a divider window.)
No matter who was watching.
(Shot from behind Kevin of Norma in a waiting area. She smiles and waves as she atkes a seat.)
(Shot of a group of seated people as Kevin slides past them to an open seat. The DMV woman is in the far background.)
DMV WOMAN: Vogel!
And the thing is, now that I was there, I actually felt kind of - calm.
(Shot past Kevin and the crowd toward the DMV woman in the background.)
DMV WOMAN: Donlevy!
(Shot from the side of the group as Kevin looks over his shoulder toward the camera. Mr. Donlevy, in the row behind him, slides out.)
(The camera moves in on Kevin slowly as Mr. Donlevy passes it.)
No question about it. From here on in, it was just a matter of time.
(Shot of a large DMV test woman holding a clipboard, looking past the camera, glancing over the crowd. She turns and walks away.)
(Shot of a clock on the wall (3:15 PM) as loud tick-tocks are heard.)
DMV WOMAN (V/O): Eckhart!
(The clock hands fade and reform at 3:35 PM.)
(The camera pans down from the clock to an open area. The DMV woman moves in to the shot, and looks past the camera toward the crowd.)
DMV WOMAN: Riordan!
(Shot past the DMV woman of the crowd. A woman stands up and approaches.)
Uh-huh. Nothing to do but wait...
(Close shot of the clock, showing 4:01 PM. More ticking sounds.)
DMV WOMAN (V/O): Chang!
(Close shot from above Kevin as he folds his written test, impatiently.)
Ahem! Any minute now...
(Close shot of the clock. The hands fade and reform to show 4:35 PM. Ticking sounds continue.)
(Close shot of Kevin's hands twisting his written test.)
DMV WOMAN (V/O): Burns!
And then, the wheels came off.
(Sound of a bell-tower gong. The ticking stops.)
(Close shot of the DMV woman looking past the camera.)
DMV WOMAN: Arnold?
(Close shot of Kevin as he slowly turns toward the camera. Loud sound of a bell-tower gong.)
(Wider shot from the side of the crowd as Kevin stands up. The gong continues.)
Now I swear to you, I swear I was ready.
(Kevin hesitates as the camera moves in on him. He is nervously handling his test.)
To the deepest fiber of my being, I was focussed, confident, I was -
(Sound of a bell-tower gong.)
(A hand pulls Kevin's arm, and he turns. The camera pans across to an older woman in the row in front of him.)
WOMAN: Good luck! (Smiles.)
(The camera pans quickly back to Kevin as he looks toward the DMV woman off-screen.)
I was out of there.
(Kevin hurries out the side of the shot.)
KEVIN (V/O): 'Scuse me!
WOMAN1 (V/O): Hey!
MAN1 (V/O): Ow!
MAN2 (V/O): Watch it!
(Shot of Norma, and a man, sitting on a bench, reading, as Kevin bursts through the door in the background.)
NORMA: Oh, finished honey?
KEVIN: Yeah, come on!
(Norma grabs her purse, stands up, and walks past Kevin who is holding the door open.)
NORMA: How'd it go?
(The camera moves in on Kevin slightly as he glances toward the room.)
KEVIN: Piece of cake!
(Kevin exits the shot, and the door squeaks closed.)
You heard it.
Cut to
Int - Arnold Kitchen
(Close shot of a blue place-mat as a large cake is placed on it. A car is decorated in green icing.)
Piece of cake.
(Shot of Kevin in profile, sitting at the table, looking at the cake. Norma and Jack stand in the background.)
JACK: Congratulations, Kev! (Smiles.)
NORMA: You did it honey! (Smiles.)
(Kevin looks up.)
KEVIN: Thanks, Mom.
(Shot past Norma of Kevin smiling and looking from Norma toward Jack.)
KEVIN: Thanks, Dad.
(Kevin looks at the cake.)
KEVIN: This is really - great.
(Close shot of the cake.)
But it was horrible. I was a failure and a liar...
(Shot past Norma of Kevin as he looks up.)
In front of my whole family.
(Shot of Kevin in profile, as Wayne approaches from behind Jack and Norma.)
WAYNE: Well, let's see it, butthead!
(Wayne noisily sets a carton of milk on the table.)
(Shot past Wayne of Kevin.)
KEVIN: See what?
(Shot of all.)
WAYNE: The driver's-license - where is it?
(Shot past Wayne of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Uh...
(Close shot of Wayne, and Jack behind him.)
WAYNE: You didn't lose it already, did ya?
(Shot past Wayne of Kevin. He looks a little worried.)
KEVIN: No! No! I just left it...
(Shot of all, as Wayne circles behind Kevin.)
KEVIN: In my other pants - in my other wallet!
(Close shot of Kevin smiling and turning toward Jack and Norma off-screen.)
KEVIN: Besides, it's just a temporary!
(Close shot of Norma and Jack.)
NORMA: I can't believe it. I can still remember your father teaching you to ride a bike. (Frowns.) And now you're driving!
(She puts an arm around Jack's neck.)
NORMA: I guess I didn't expect you kids to grow up so fast.
(She makes a face, then looks at Jack and smiles. She pats Jack's head. They smile at Kevin off-screen.)
I couldn't believe it. My parents were getting spongy on me...
(Close shot of Kevin looking at them off-screen.)
Washing away in sentimentality.
(Kevin turns forward and looks toward the cake.)
So, there was only one thing to say.
(Kevin turns quickly toward Jack and Norma off-screen.)
KEVIN: I gotta go to the bathroom.
(Shot past Wayne of Kevin, Jack and Norma, as Kevin stands up. Jack puts his hand up.)
JACK: Not...so...fast.
(Close shot of Kevin over Jack's shoulder. Kevin sits down slowly.)
KEVIN: Yeah, Dad?
(Shot past Wayne of Kevin, Jack and Norma. Jack smiles at Norma, then pulls a small wrapped box from his pocket and holds it out.)
JACK: Here. Your mother and I got you something.
(Close shot of Kevin over Jack's shoulder as Kevin takes the box and starts to unwrap it.)
JACK: You're gonna need these.
(Close shot of Norma and Jack as he smiles.)
JACK: It's your own set of keys to the car.
Ah, Geez...
(Shot of Kevin over Jack's shoulder as Kevin takes the keys out and looks at Jack. He looks at the keys uncomfortably.)
KEVIN: Thanks.
(Jack squeezes Kevin's shoulder.)
(Shot past Kevin of Jack.)
JACK: I'm proud of you, son. (Smiles.)
(Shot of Kevin over Jack's shoulder as Kevin smiles uncomfortably.)
Yee-ah.
(Kevin looks off.)
Cut to
Int. Night - Kevin's Bedroom
(Shot of a wall and window. The camera pans toward Kevin tossing and turning in bed. Some music of doom plays in the background as the camera moves in slowly.)
I couldn't get to sleep that night. I kept thinking about my future. How I was gonna grow up, go to college, raise a family, and be the only All-Pro quarterback who ever had to ride his bicycle to the Superbowl.
JACK (V/O): I'm proud of you, son.
NORMA (V/O): I can't believe it.
JACK (V/O): Your own set of keys to the car...
NORMA (V/O): You did it, honey.
WAYNE (V/O): Your driver's license - where is it?
COACH MEECHAM (V/O): Your turn, Bo-Peep.
JACK (V/O): Proud of you son...proud of you son...
(Sound of sheep bah-ing.)
(Kevin sits up, then looks toward another window. Sound of a dog howling.)
And that's when I knew what I had to do.
(Kevin glances toward the door, and gets out of bed.)
Cut to
Ext. Night - Arnold Driveway
(Sound of jungle drums.)
(Close shot of Kevin outside, stealthily walking toward the car.)
Like the young warrior cast out into the darkness of the jungle to prove his manhood...
(Kevin puts the key in the door and opens it.)
I was going to learn how to parallel park, the only way I knew how.
(Kevin sits inside.)
Alone.
(Kevin glances up, then puts the car in neutral. He looks over his shoulder, then forward.)
KEVIN: This is it!
(Shot of the car rolling backward in the driveway and the house behind it.)
Sure, I was committing grand-theft auto...
(Kevin backs the car out slowly, without lights.)
But there was a greater need here.
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin.)
I had to take the chance...
(Kevin glances over his shoulder, then toward the house.)
And I had to do it now.
(Shot from behind the car as it backs up.)
And the path was clear ahead.
(Kevin noisily runs into the lawnmower.)
(Jungle drums end. Sound of a spiraling hubcap.)
Or so I thought.
(Shot through the windshield of Kevin as he looks concerned and puts the car in "park". Kevin starts to open the door hurriedly. Dogs bark.)
(Shot across the car roof as Kevin stands up and looks across the car. The camera pans with him as he trots around the back of the car, and kneels next to the lawnmower. He pulls it from under the car.)
At that moment I hit rock bottom. I couldn't drive, I couldn't park, I couldn't even remember to put away my father's lawnmower. I didn't think I couldn't feel any worse.
(Sound of a door opening, and light shines on Kevin. He looks toward the house.)
(Shot of the open front door as Jack steps out in his bathrobe, frowning.)
JACK: Hey! Who's out there?
(Shot of Kevin kneeling next to the car and lawnmower looking past the camera toward the house.)
Except then I did.
(Shot of Jack as he hurries down the walkway, out of the shot.)
(Shot of Kevin kneeling, watching Jack approach off-screen, then glancing over his shoulder.)
The funny thing is, for a second I actually thought about running for my life.
(Shot of Jack approaching.)
(Shot of Kevin kneeling as Jack walks past the camera.)
(Close shot of Jack frowning.)
JACK: What the hell's goin' on here?
(Shot past Jack of Kevin as he kneels and glances off, then looks at Jack.)
But somehow I guess I knew.
(Close shot of Jack.)
I just couldn't run anymore. It was time to face the truth.
(Shot past Jack's legs of Kevin kneeling, then standing up.)
(New shot past Jack of Kevin.)
KEVIN: I don't know how to park.
(Close shot of Jack.)
KEVIN (V/O): I lied about my license.
(Close shot of Kevin.)
KEVIN: I never took the test.
(Close shot of Jack. He frowns.)
(Close shot of Kevin as he takes the keys from his jacket pocket.)
KEVIN: Here.
(Kevin hands the keys toward Jack.)
(Close shot of Jack as he takes the keys and looks at them.)
(Close shot of Kevin.)
KEVIN: Take 'em. I don't want 'em.
(Close shot of Jack as he looks toward Kevin and rubs the keys.)
(Close shot of Kevin.)
And maybe in that moment...
(Close shot of Kevin.)
I learned something. About being a man.
(Close shot of Jack holding the keys. He nods slightly.)
JACK: Yeah, you do.
(Close shot of Kevin.)
(Close shot of Jack. He nods directionally.)
JACK: Come on, let's go.
KEVIN (V/O): Where?
(Jack pauses.)
JACK: You gotta start somewhere.
(Jack holds the keys out.)
(Shot past Jack's arm and keys, as Kevin looks at them.)
And I learned it...
(Kevin takes the keys.)
(Close shot of Jack. He smiles slightly and turns away.)
From the guy who wrote the book.
(Close shot of Kevin smiling and looking at Jack off-screen. Kevin turns and hurries off.)
Cut to
Parking Lot
(Shot of two trash cans, as the car backs up between them.)
JACK (V/O): Little bit more - that's good! Awright...awright. Awright, now - straighten it out, straighten it out. Good! Good!
(The camera pulls back slightly as Jack claps his hands, near the back of the car.)
JACK: Alright!
(Jack walks to the car and gets in the passenger door.)
That night my dad taught me a lot.
(The camera pulls up and back slowly.)
How to parallel park.
(Kevin pulls forward for another try.)
Why you put away the lawnmower. And in some small way - what it takes to grow up. That Monday he took the afternoon off...
(The car starts to back up.)
And we went and got my license. He was so proud.
(Kevin parks again.)
Then he took it away - and grounded me for a month.
Fade to
CLOSING CREDITS
Music
"Mary Had a Little Lamb" -
Supporting Cast
Coach Meecham - Michael Gregory
Alice Pedermeir - Lindsay Sloane
Harold Grubner - Josh Berman
Slovoski - Troy Fromin
Chuck Coleman - Andrew Mark Berman
Jessica Thomas - Alicia Silverstone
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Titles/Transcripts
Episode Info
Wonder Years Menu
3/19/98 12:05