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Doug Porter

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(Ep 13 - "Coda")

(Kevin, Paul and Doug are playing football in the street. They huddle up.)
The '68 Jets. We had all the moves. There wasn't an imaginary team in the league that could beat us.
OK...it's late in the fourth, the ball's on the six...and Oakland's up by three.
(Paul frowns.)
That would be Don Maynard.
(Paul sneezes twice.)
In Paul's case, the only wide-receiver in pro football that was allergic to grass.
I want you to slant left, buttonhook, then cut the post. OK?
(Paul nods. Doug gestures.)
Who am I?
You're Emerson Booser. You provide vital pass protection.
Blocking? Again? Well, well why do I always gotta block?
Cuz you're good at it! Ready...break!
(Kevin tosses the ball to Doug as they walk toward the center of the street. Sound of a cheering crowd as they line up.)
football And the crowd's goin' wild...
OK...eighty-nine! Two-hundred-thirty-five! Hut, hut, hut. Hut!
(Doug snaps the ball, and Paul runs a pass pattern as Kevin back-pedals.)
Joe "Willie" Namath...fades back to pass...he's looking for a receiver...
(Paul runs his pattern, then looks over his shoulder with his arms outstretched.)
And Maynard breaks free in the end-zone...
(Doug blocks an imaginary opponent.)
Oh, what a block by Booser!
(Sound of the cheering crowd.)
Scrambling. scrambling!
He's wide open...!
(Kevin throws the ball to Paul. They jump up and down.)
Touchdown!

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(Ep 16 - "Walkout")

(In the student-council meeting.)
About an hour into the meeting, I began to see the true nature of student-council. It was basically organized whining.
How come we only have ice-cream sandwiches in our ice-cream machines? I mean at Madison, they have three choices. I think we should have push-ups.

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(Ep 27 - "Mom Wars")

(The guys are playing no-equipment football in the park. Doug recovers Pauls fumble.)
I got it!
Get 'em!
(Doug gets gang-tackled.)
Sure it was reckless. But nobody got hurt.
(Randy looks at Doug.)
Doug?
(Doug lies face-up, his arms across his stomach.)
Much.
Is he breathing?
I think so.
Are you breathing, Doug?
(Doug pauses, then coughs.)
I think he's hurt! (Gestures.) Maybe we should stop!
(Hobson looks at Doug.)
Nah...He just got the wind knocked out of him - he's alright.
Yeah, I'm awright...
*

(Another day at he park. Kevin has told Norma he's gonna play. even though she doesn't like it. He has just scored.)
Touchdown! Whoo-oo!
OK - new game!
Hey, it's gettin' kinda late...
Yeah, i-i-it's getting cold. Is anyone cold?
Arnold?
New game! Losers walk.
Let's go!
Hey, Kev - you think this is a good idea?
Oh, come on, Paul. Don't be a wuss.
Woops - maybe that was a little rough.
Hey, sorry - I didn't mean that.
It's OK.
But heck - let's face it. I was feeling my oats.
Are you ready?!!
Yep, I'd fought a battle, and I'd won. Things were gonna be different from now on.
(Hobson throws the "kick-off". Kevin returns it.)
Yeah, things were gonna be alright. And then it hit me. Actually, Craig Hobson hit me. Then Randy Mitchell. And Mike Donovan. After that, I kinda stopped taking names.
Man! That was amazing! (Smiles.)
Come on, guys - get off! Kevin?
(Kevin rolls onto his back.)
You're bleeding!
OK, your ball. First down.
OK - alright! This game is over!
Says who?
Says me! This game is called on account of darkness. And that's all, there's nothing else to say. Now everyone just go home! Go on!
He's probably right - it's gettin' late.
Yeah, I got dinner.

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(Ep 29 - "Odd Man Out")

(Kevin and Paul are watching "The Addams Family". Paul is mimicking the theme.)
When Paul and I reached a familiar deadlock of stagnation...there was generally one agreed-upon solution.
(Sound of knocking. The camera pans over to the door, where Doug is smiling and looking in.)
Hey, guys! What's happening?
Doug Porter.
(Doug smiles and waves slightly. Cut to the basement. They are playing Monopoly. Doug rolls the dice.)
He was the most agreeable kid we'd ever met.
(Doug smiles at the guys as he moves his token.)
Alright! Boardwalk! (Frowns.) How much is it?
It's four hundred big ones. (Nods.)
Yeah...(frowns)...that's pretty expensive, Doug. You sure you want to buy it?
Yeah...(shrugs)...look how much it costs to put hotels on it.
(Paul hands the card to Doug.)
Well, maybe you're right.
(Doug hands the card back. Paul flips the dice to him.)
Your turn...you got doubles.
(Doug shakes the dice and smiles.)
Doug's blandness was like buttered toast to an upset stomach.
(Doug rolls, and frowns heavily as he moves his token.)
Vroom, vroom...vroom!
But, so long as he got to be the car in Monopoly...he was happy.
Vroom, vroom!
(Kevin and Paul glance at each other.)
Vroom, vroom!
And we were happy in his company.
Errrrk!
(Fade to "later" in the game.)
29couch In small doses.
Doubles, again! Boy - today's my lucky day. (Smiles.)
(Doug moves his token.)
Vroom! Vroom! Vroom!
(Paul and Kevin glance at each other.)
Uh...I think that's about it for me, guys.
Huh?
(Paul hops over the back of the couch.)
But...(Sighs.)
Sorry, guys. (Gestures.) I gotta get home. (Gestures.) Ya know, stuff to do. (Nods.)
Oh, well...I'll see ya, Paul.
Yeah. (Gestures.) Seeya later. (Exits.)
(Doug turns toward Kevin.)
You wanna play again? (Smiles.)
Nah...(Frowns.) I gotta lot of homework to do.
(Doug stands up, and Kevin kneels in front of the table.)
OK. Well, um...maybe I'll see ya tomorrow. (Gestures.)
Yeah, maybe. Seeya.
(Doug walks toward the stairs and exits. Kevin scoops the game into the box, then rolls his eyes and shakes his head.)
Yep. Three games of Monopoly was just about the limit with Doug.
(Kevin walks toward the stairs.)
After that...
(Kevin turns his back to the stairs and smiles.)
Paul?
(Paul hurries down the stairs and pauses.)
You called?
Hoops?
You're on, sucker!
(Kevin tosses the ball to Paul, then ties his shoelace.)
We never felt wonderful about ditching the guy. But it was nothing personal. Doug was just kinda...odd man out.
*

(In Kevin's room, Kevin and Paul were "negotiating" baseball cards, then get into an argument.)
Total butthead! (Exits.)
(Kevin looks after him.)
Loser!
(Kevin throws thing around his room.)
Years of suppressed frustration had finally reared their ugly head.
Uhhh!
I was sick of it. Why did it always have to be so difficult? Why did it have to require so much effort? Why couldn't it be more like...
(Sound of a knock. Kevin turns toward the sound. Doug is looking in the window and waving.
Hey? Are you busy?
(Kevin glances off, then smiles slightly. Cut to Doug's house. Kevin and Doug lay their bikes down in the front yard. Doug heads toward the door.)
Come on in!
Now, under normal circumstances...
(Kevin pauses as Doug enters, and looks over his shoulder.)
A visit to Doug Porter's house would have weighed in just under the dentist's office.
(Kevin enters. Cut to Doug's bedroom. Doug is in the open doorway as Kevin enters slowly and glances around.)
Mom! Kevin Arnold's here!
These, however...were not normal circumstances.
(The corner of the room is filled with shelves with lots of games, and a gumball machine.)
And this was definitely not a normal bedroom.
(Another corner of the room has a bed frame shaped like a sports car. Sitting on the bed are a 1/48 scale model of a B-17 airplane, three smaller fighter planes, and a large figure which appears to be a baseball player. A dart board hangs on the wall. Mrs. Porter approaches carrying a plate of donuts.)
Hello, Kevin! (Smiles.)
Oh - hi, Mrs. Porter. (Smiles.)
Doug has told me so much about you, it's about time you came to visit. (Smiles.)
Heck - maybe she was right. It was about time.
Why don't I put these down right here? Can I get you boys something to drink?
Sure, Mom...
(Doug looks at Kevin.)
Um...(Gestures.) How about Yoohoo? You like Yoohoo?
Well, if it's alright with...
Whatever you like, Kevin. (Smiles.)
Yoohoo sounds great. (Smiles.)
Yoohoo it is. (Smiles.)
And suddenly, I felt like visiting royalty.
Kev...want a gumball?
(Kevin nods.)
Yeah. This was more like it.
What color? (Smiles.)
Uh...how about red?
Red's definitely the best.
Here was a guy who would listen to what I had to say.
OK - hold out your hands!
A guy who treated me with a little respect.
(Doug turns the handle.)
Here they come!
(About twenty gumballs roll out.)
A fella who...appreciated me.
*

(In Doug's bedroom, they are "negotiating" baseball cards.)
OK. Who do you want for your McCovey...
I don't know...
Yep - I was hangin' out int the heart of fun central.
How about this one?
Doug...(frowns)...that's a Don Schwartz.
Great! (Smiles.)
No. No. This is a terrible trade. (Frowns.)
Sorry. (Frowns.)
There was just one problem. With Paul, everything had been a struggle. With Doug...I pushed and he fell over.
What if I throw in Willie Mays to sweeten it up a little? (Smiles.)
No, Doug - you're missing the point. (Gestures.) You have to bargain a little bit.
Oh, alright, OK...(gestures)...I'll throw in Mays and Johnny Bench! (Smiles.)
It was like trying to give spine to Jell-O.
OK. Let's forget about trading for right now. What do you want to do?
I don't care...um, what do you want to do?
Isn't there anything you want to do?
W-we could eat some more. (Smiles.)
(Doug takes a bite of a Twinkie and smiles. Fade to "later". Doug is standing near the shelves of toys.)
It took about two hours to realize the mission was impossible.
How about some Tiddly-winks? (Smiles.)
Tiddly-winks? (Frowns.)
Doug was looking desperate. Nothing could salvage this relationship. Short of...
How about we fly my dad's model airplane?
Did he say...airplane?
(Cut to the street. Kevin is watching Doug fly the airplane.)
OK. I knew it was wrong. Still, flying Mr. Porter's incredible expensive radio-controlled airplane...might be just the opportunity for me and Doug to forge a new bond. Or so I told myself.
Doug, are you sure you've done this before? (Gestures.)
All the time. Watch. I can make it do loop-the-loops. Isn't that cool?
Sure, cool. But foolhardy.
Listen. I think -
(Kevin notices Paul and Brady approaching on bikes.)
But hold on. What have we here? Old Paul just happens to ride by? On Doug's street? I think not! Well, two can play this game.
Doug, come on.
(Kevin reaches for the transmitter.)
Let me have a shot at those controls, huh?
OK...ya gotta be real careful. The stick on the left makes it go...
Yeah, yeah..(Nods.)
Up and down...(Gestures.)
Alright, alright. (Gestuers.) I know, I know...
(Kevin looks toward Paul and Brady and smils.)
Looks like fun, doesn't it? Well, read 'em and weep, Pfeiffer! Tell me who's in the driver's seat, now?
Kev! Look out!
(The plane flies about ten feet off the ground, then into a tree. Doug puts his hands on the top of his head.)
Holy cow! (Frowns.)
(Paul taps Brady on the arm, mouthes "come on - let's go", and smiles. They ride off. Cut to Doug in the tree. Kevin holds the ladder.)
My dad is gonna kill me. (Frowns.)
Uh, it won't be that bad.
No. You don't know my dad. His - his eyes bulge out like...(gestures)...like boiled eggs, and...and his forehead starts sweating...and...he scratches his neck...(gestures)...like he's gonna rip his skin off! (Frowns.)
Look, Doug? Just concentrate on what you're doing, OK?
You're not mad, are you? (Frowns.)
I wasn't mad. I was just...tired. Of Doug...of the whole mess. Time to put and end to this. Time to make a clean break.
Doug? I think that...
(Sound of a tree limb cracking.)
Whoa...
(Kevin hurriedly ducks as Doug thuds onto the ground near him.)
Oh...
But speaking of clean breaks...
(Cut to cafeteria. Kevin is signing Doug's cast.)
Uh, gee - it looks great, Kev. (Smiles.)
Thirty-three Dong Dongs, two gallons of Yoohoo...and one radio-controlled airplane had brought me to this. I was a prisoner of guilt.
I can't wait to show it to everybody. (Smiles.)
Yeah, sure.
(Kevin frowns slightly and looks away.)
My only consolation was that there were at least two other Kevin's in our class.
(Doug looks over his shoulder and holds his arm up.)
Hey, everybody - Kevin Arnold signed my cast! (Smiles.)
(Kevin quickly looks toward Doug and grabs his arm.)
Doug - Doug...
(Doug sets his arm down, and his cast bangs the table.)
No. Please.
Sorry. (Frowns.)
(Brady approaches.)
Kevin? Paul has a message for you.
He does?
What was this?
(Paul is at another table, drinking milk, then looking at a book on the table.)
A little thaw in relations? A possible break in the impass?
(Brady glances toward Doug and his eyes get bigger.)
Whoa! What happened?!
Uh, I...fell out of a tree.
I had to wear one like that...(gestures)...for two months last year.
(Kevin looks off and frowns slightly.)
The itching drove me nuts.
Tell me about it. (Frowns.) I've lost two plastic forks down there already.
Try a ball-point pen.
(Kevin quickly turns toward them.)
Excuse me. Is there some reason you came over here in the first place?
(Kevin smiles slightly and looks toward Paul.)
Heh-heh. Look at him. Sittin' there, reminiscing about the good times...waiting for me to give him the nod...
Oh, yeah...(Gestures.) Paul says he wants his baseball cards back.
He said what? (Frowns.)
Well...(gestures)...I'll see ya guys around. (Exits.)
OK - that ripped it.
(Kevin bangs the table and stands up.)
Once and for all.
Say, Kev...I was thinking...
(Kevin frowns toward Paul and breathes heavily.)
Brady I couldn't believe it! The little weasel had sent his lapdog to do his dirty work?
The nurse said I should find someone to help me. You know - do stuff for me around school...
(Kevin is frowning at Paul and Brady.)
He couldn't treat me like that.
So, I was...wondering if you thought it was a good idea?
Yeah - sure. (Gestures.)
(Kevin frowns at Paul.)
So this was what it came to. Stabbed in the back by someone who used to call himself my - hah - best friend!
Great! Then you'll do it? (Smiles.)
(Kevin turns toward Doug.)
What?! (Frowns.)
What was this guy talking about?
Well, you know, um...(shrugs)...carry my books...help put on my jacket. And...maybe you could even help me with my homework...
Doug! (Frowns.)
Was he nuts?! Help him with his homework?! Hadn't I been humiliated enough? Who'd he think I was, anyway?
Well, you are my best friend. Aren't you?
Look! (Frowns.) Number one - I'm not your best friend, OK?! And number two...carry your own stupid books!
(Doug frowns as Kevin slams his tray down and walks off.)
Kev! (Frowns.)
There. That felt better. Much better.
(Cut to Kevin's bedroom. Kevin tosses and turns in bed.)
That night I had a dream.
(Cut to fantasy. Doug and Kevin are silhoutetted against the side of the tent. Kevin's bike and the broken model airplane lies nearby.)
More like a nightmare.
You want Milk Duds? You want Yoohoo?
(Cut to inside the tent. Kevin sits in a waist-high pile of gumballs with his arms crossed, looking forward and frowing.)
You want donuts?
(Doug holds up some junk food packages.)
How about Sno-balls? How about Twinkies? If I give you Twinkies, will you be my best friend? (Smiles.)
Doug? (Frowns.)
(Doug frowns and raises his arm as he starts to sink in the gumballs.)
Ah...Kev!
Doug? (Frowns.)
Kev...help!
(Doug disappears into the gumballs.)
Doug! Doug!
(Cut to reality. Kevin tosses in bed, then sits upright. His face is sweaty.)
I felt awful. What had I done? He did kinda look up to me. And the truth is, I had acted, well...badly.
(Cut to Doug's house. Kevin rings the doorbell.)
There was only one right thing to do.
(Mrs. Porter opens the door.)
Oh, hi, Kevin!
Is Doug around?
I'm sorry...he - he can't come to the door right now. Is there something you wanted?
Well, uh...
I could tell by her look...that I had all but crushed him. The least I could do was show some class.
(Kevin reaches into his jacket pocket and hands a baseball card to Mrs. Porter.)
It's a Don Schwartz. (Smiles.) He...(nods)...likes Don Schwartz. (Smiles.)
I'll make sure he gets it. (Smiles.)
(Kevin turns around.)
Well, there ya had it. Poor Doug - I'd let him down.
(Kevin shrugs slighty and walks toward his bike.)
I could almost see him...alone in his room...trying to figure out what he'd done wrong. Lamenting his fate.
(Kevin holds the handlebars and seat of his bike, then looks over his shoulder toward the sound of laughter. He pauses, then walks toward the window of Doug's room and looks in. Doug and Brady are sitting on the floor, laughing, as they play a game.)
Or, having the time of his life with Brady Ryland. As I stood outside that window, I watched the easy give-and-take of two new friends. And I realized something. Doug Porter was no longer the odd man out. It was me.

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(Ep 38 - "The Treehouse")

doug In junior high school, looks mean a lot. There's the look of love. The look of rejection. The thrill of victory. The agony of defeat. But there was one look that was different. A once-in-a-lifetime look. The look that said that things would never be the same again.
Doug? Doug? You OK?
One glance at a face like that, and you knew...
Oh, man...when did it happen?
Last night.
Was it your dad?
(Nods.)
He gave you..."The Talk".
(Nods.)
"The Talk". The old birds and bees.
I actually had to listen to my father say - "genitals".
(K&P) Ohhhh!
It was horrible - too horrible to contemplate. The worst thing was, no one was immune. It could strike any time, any where.

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(Ep 39 - "Glee Club")

Miss Haycock's arrival had sent a shudder of fear through all of us.
I don't want to sing. That's why I took glee club in the first place.
*

gym

We're gonna look like idiots in front of the whole school...(Gestures.) Not to mention our parents. What are we gonna do?
(Randy is leaning back against the lockers with his arms crossed.)
Well, for one thing, we're not gonna mention it to our parents. Deal?


*

(In glee club.)
It's now or never, Arnold.
Aw, what the heck...was I a stout-hearted man? Or a craven coward.
Miss Haycock?
Yes, Kevin? (Smiles.)
We've been...(nods)..thinking this whole thing over. And...see...we don't really wanna be in the Spring Sing. It's just that...(gestures)...we're not any good. So...maybe we shouldn't do it.
There. Difficult, of course, but best for everyone concerned.
You...really feel this way? (Nods.) All of you?
(The guys nod and say "uh-huh".)
I see. Well...I had no idea...
And there ya had it. We'd finally gotten through to her. Miss Haycock was coming to her senses. She was going to see reason. She was going...
(She frowns heavily and turns away.)
To cry...Needless to say, we handled it with a certain maturity.
Well, what you do that for, Arnold? (Frowns.)
Me? (Gestures.) You told me to!
Way to go, Kev. (Frowns.)
I can't believe you did that.
You were supposed to talk to her. (Frowns.) Not make her cry.

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(Ep 44 - "Cocoa and Sympathy")

(In the restroom, Paul and Kevin look at Paul's cowlick as Craig enters.)
Hey, Alfalfa! Nice "'do".
Get bent, Hobson!
Careful what you say, Pfeiffer, or I might not let you see the Berlini poll.
What?
poll The "Lisa Berlini poll" - the definitive rating of the male faction at RFK Junior High. It was the kind of document that eventually led to deep-seated neuroses and psychotherapy - not that we knew about that stuff in eigth-grade.
(Hobson sticks it on the mirror with his gum.)
Read 'em and weep, cupcakes.
Is my name on it?
"Best eyes"? I got "best eyes"?! What about the rest of my face?
Well. I guess it could have been worse.
"Brainiest".
I could have been Paul.
Does anybody see my name?!
Man, last time at least I got "best-mannered".
Hey! There's nothing wrong with being brainy.
(Boy): Thank God I didn't get "brainiest".
Man, first a cow-lick the size of Mount Rushmore, and now this.
*

(Kevin, Randy, Doug and Hobson are on the bleachers watching girls on the athletic field.)
Article Five, Section Six of the Eight-grade Boys' Code of Conduct. When faced with a popularity poll you don't like...make up your own. Of course, we took it seriously. There was an art to this. Points awarded for intelligence...political awareness...and of course...
Best body...?
(All): Deedee Rodriguez. (Nods.)
No way! Holly Stern! She shaves her legs!
Doug, you're droolin'.
Of course he was drooling - that's what adolescents do.
(Paul joins them.)
Hi.
Well, most adolescents.
What are you guys doing?
(Kevin frowns and looks off.)
bleachers Oh...decide to spend some time with people your own age, huh?
We're doing a poll. To get back at Lisa Berlini.
How about "best smile". (Smiles.)
You know who has a nice smile? Your mom. (Nods.)
Was he nuts? When the guys found out what he thought about my mother...they would -
Ya know...Arnold's mom's not bad.
Agree...
She shaves her legs, too. (Smiles.)

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(Ep 47 - "Growing Up")

(At a community pool with Doug, Paul and Walter.)
Sometimes it seemed like the whole world was exploding with new ideas.
(Doug is eating an ice-cream cone while looking at a girl.)
Reaching out for new experiences. Seeing through new eyes.
(The girl, face-down on a chaise-lounge, reaches to untie her bikini top.)
Wow...
(The girl undoes the strap.)
(All) Oh...
(The girl looks toward the guys. The guys quickly turn around, embarrassed.)
Adolescence. It's never a pretty sight.
She wants us..she definitely wants us!
Definitely.
Us? Why us?
"Why us?" The battle-cry of the 14-year-old.
OK, here's the plan.
(Walter takes some ice from Paul's cup.)
We walk past her, casually...
(He drops the ice into his other hand.)
And drop this on her back.
Then what?
Then we strike up a conversation!
Thing were confusing, alright.
Forget it, Walter. It'll never work!
(Winnie approaches.)
What'll never work?
(Paul, Doug and Walter act nervous.)
Uh..uh...
Sometimes even crazy.
Uh...
(Kevin shakes his head.)
Nothing.

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(Ep 49 - "The Journey")

(Walter hold his hand under Doug's nose.)
Go on!
It's perfume.
Not just perfume..."Eau de Donna Pescarelli". (Gestures.) I got information. Pescarelli's having a party. At her house.
So? (Frowns.) A party. So what? (Frowns.)
A slumber party?
But hold on! Did he say..."slumber party"?
And we're invited. (Smiles.)
What?!
Fiesta del chiquitas, guys! Pony-tails...pillow fights, negligees...
Wait a minute. You're saying high-school girls invited us?
Well, almost. Practically. OK, so we don't have a formal letter of introduction. (Frowns.) Who cares? We know when, we know where...so we crash it! (Smiles.)
McHafferty, you're dreamin'...
Yeah, he's dreaming.
When is it?
Tomorrow night. Late.
No, we can't make it. We're goin' camping tomorrow night. In my backyard. Right, Paul?
Oh. Yeah. (Smiles.) Right.
Suit yourself. You're not the men I though you were. (Exits.)
Ooohh...
*

(Cafeteria)
We were thinking. Maybe we should go to that party.
Yeah, why not?
Right.
Yeah.
I couldn't understand it. These were guys I'd known all my adult life. Now, they were acting like....fourteen-year olds.
Look. Randy...
Yeah, we know. But that's before we heard about the beer.
What beer?
Well, Walter's sister says all we have to do is show up with a few brewskis...and it's "babe-o-rama". (Frowns.)
Uh-huh. That sounded like Walter's sister.
Beer. Where are you guys gonna get beer?
(Randy looks down.)
Hmmm.
(Doug frowns and makes a face.)
You could almost hear the wheels grinding.
It's not going to work.
Of course it's not going to work.
Sure it will. Once we find a place to tell our parents we're spending the night. (Smiles).
Any ideas?
Uh-oh. I could sense my quiet evening of camping about to go up in a blaze of futility.
Nobody has any ideas. Paul. (Nods). Nobody.
(Cut to the tent.)
This is a great idea.
Pass the cookies.
Made ya wonder if Daniel Boone had nights like this.
(Randy holds up some binoculars.)
Look at these. (Smiles.)
Not that I couldn't be hospitable.
Guys? Get out.
What? (Frowns.)
That's not very nice.
You heard me. This tent isn't big enough for all of us.
Don't worry. We're only stayin' till Walter shows up with the beers.
Rand, it's not gonna happen.
(Walter enters holding a bottle of beer in each hand.)
Make way for the suds! (Smiles.)
That a way, Walter.
Way to go!
It was beer! Actual barley and hops! The kind cowboys and ballplayer drank.
Here it is...our ticket to paradise, gents.
Oh!
Right!
Yeah! This is great.
Alright. That's it.
I had enough. It was time to set these guys straight. Once and for all.
You guys are nuts - d'you know that? I mean you don't have a chance. You'll never make it to the party and you'll probably get caught - and you'll never get in! I mean this idea's completely...(shrugs)...stupid.
It was a bitter pill, maybe...but something any idiot could understand. Almost any idiot.
(Doug puts a potato chip in his mouth.)
Maybe he's right. (Frowns.)
Of course I am. (Nods.)
And I was. Except...at that moment...something happened.
(Dramatic music starts.)
Something made me realize some things were bigger than logic.
(A shadow looms larger and larger on the tent behind Kevin.)
Mightier than reason.
(Doug opens his eyes wide.)
Look out!
*

(Wayne has finished beating up Kevin and has left with the beer.)
It was kind of a low moment.
(Shot of the four guys.)
There goes the beer. (Gestures.)
There goes the whole night.
*

(The guys jump over a hedge when they think the police are chasing them.)
Everybody OK?
Yeah.
(Doug rubs his ankle.)
I think I'm hurt.
Lemme see it.
How's it look?
Not too good. It startin' to swell up.
No, it always looks like that.
So now what are we gonna do?
We'll just have to carry 'em.
Are you nuts? Carry Doug? Who's gonna do that?
Step back.
Randy Mitchell. A real buddy. The kind of guy you could count on.
(Randy loads Doug over his shoulder.)
Uh.
The kind of guy who could move mountains.
Ah! Oh! (Frowns.)
Gentle. Gentle.
(Cut to under the bleachers as Doug flops onto his back.)
Half a block later, we understood why mountains don't move.
Maybe we should leave 'em.
(Doug looks around worriedly.)
Not that! Anything but that!
*

Events were bringing out our true personalities. The leader.
(Doug is looking down.)
The wounded. The stalwart.
(Paul sneezes.)
The allergic.
(Kevin sets a bottle on the bleacher. It falls onto the ground and breaks.)
The klutz.
The beer.
(Doug looks horrified and steps back.)
Nice play, Shakespeare. (Frowns.)
Sorry, guys. (Shrugs.)
Great. Now we're down to one lousy beer.
*

(In Walter's garage.)
OK - here's the plan. I sneak into the house...grab some more beers...then we head out. Everybody understand?
Sounds simple enough.
Don't we need a signal?
Why? (Frowns.)
I don't know. (Shrugs). Seems like we ought to have a signal.
"Coo-coo, coo-coo". OK? Alright.
(Walter takes the beer from his jacket and hands it to Kevin.)
It's the last one, man. Guard it...with your life.
Don't worry. I will.
Well...I'm outta here.
Hey, Walt?
Yeah?
I guess Doug was gonna speak what was in all our hearts.
Could you maybe...grab some, some peanut butter and some bread while you're in there? I'm starving.
*

(Too bad for Walter, because...)
It was horrible. Not more than twenty yards from where we stood...Walter McHafferty was being grounded by his mother. And there was nothin' we could do about it.
Right now, young man! Right to bed!
And then, it was over.
I don't believe it.
Maybe he'll come back.
He's not coming back.
So, we did what all good troops do when they lose their leader. We started whining.
I'm hungry.
You're always hungry, Doug. (Frowns.)
Which turned into bickering.
Leave him alone. This isn't his fault.
No, it's your fault - for doing that stupid signal. (Gestures.)
Hey look, we wouldn't even be here if you hadn't dropped the beer.
Yeah? Well, for your information, I didn't even want to come on this stupid trip.
That's obvious. That's why you sabotaged the beer.
What are we gonna do?
How should I know?
We were near total meltdown, and there was no one to save us. And then...it happened.
What are we gonna do? I'll tell ya what we're gonna do. We're gonna go. And we're gonna...keep...going. We're gonna get to Donna Pescarelli's house...not because we have to, or even because we want to...but because...well...Walter would have wanted it that way. (Nods.)
The funny thing is...he didn't even sneeze once.
Come on. Let's move out. Let's go!
Wait for me!
*

(The guys are in front of Donna Pescarelli's house. Two girls are silhouetted on a window shade, and their voices can be heard.)
I think we're here. (Smiles.)
Definitely!
We made it.
I'm gonna rest.
(Doug lies down.)

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(Ep 50 - "The Cost of Living")

(At home, Kevin has gotten two dollars for allowance.)
You can't squeeze sympathy from a stone.
(Cut to the cafeteria with Doug and Paul.)
Twenty cents for a Nutty-Buddy? (Frowns.)
Sympathy from those in my tax-bracket, however, was easy to come by.
I'm barely getting by as it is!
Unbelievable...
By the fall of ninth-grade, poverty was making paupers of us all. Most of us, anyway.
Whoa! Check out Kovinsky!
(A boy stands next to a couple of girls, and holds his jacket open.)
Mark Kovinsky. The Howard Hughes of RFK.
(Mark kisses a girl's hand.)
He had more money than General Motors. Naturally, we all admired him.
I hate him.
That jacket must have cost a fortune.

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rainbow

(Ep 52 - "Little Debbie")

(Randy, Doug and Paul meet Kevin outside Debbie's cotillion.)
What are you guys doin' here?
Bad news, Kev.
Was it the game? Did we lose?
Worse.
Worse?
Paul...you had the binoculars - you tell 'em.
Well, when we got to the game...
And thus Paul launched into a story I was to hear over and over again, at cocktail parties and class reunions. A tale of woe. The subject?
It was Deanna...Deanna Delgado...
According to Paul, it happened in mere seconds. Something that broke young mens' hearts, and shattered long-held illusions. Something slipped through Deanna's sweater. And in the light of this horrible revelation, a new conciousness was born. A single undeniable truth.
Deanna Delgado...stuffs!
Falsies.
They looked so...real!
It was a moment of rare understanding - sympathy for a dream lost.

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rainbow

(Ep 55 - "A Very Cutlip Christmas")

By December of 1970, it was pretty clear Christmas meant nothing to Coach Cutlip. While most human beings were brimming with Yuletide cheer, he was brimming with...
(Mr. Cutlip goes down the list he has written on the chalkboard.)
Chin-ups. Sit-ups. The shuttle run. Various calisthenics. And, of course...the rope climb.
(The class groans.)
Face it. The guy was Scrooge in a baseball cap.
(Mr. Cutlip sneezes and sniffs.)
Scoozie. OK now, who wants to start?
(He blows his whistle.)
Not that it was anything new to us. The pain, the exhaustion, the humiliation. It was something we had come to expect from the guy. Still, that year, a new thought was forming in our collective ninth grade minds.
(Cut to the locker room with Tommy, Doug and Randy and Paul.)
Cutlip's a raving lunatic!
He has absolutely no Christmas spirit.
He makes us dust the floor in front of the girl's gym class. And Doug with his underwear hangin' out.
My underwear was showing?!
Somebody oughtta do something to that guy.
Hey don't get me involved with this. I gotta play basketball for the guy.
It seemed Paul was about the only one of my colleagues who had a real sense of reality.
What I wouldn't give just once to have something over Cutlip.
Yeah, take him down a peg.
Maybe we should talk to him.
(Scoffs.) Aw, get real.
What?
You can't talk to the guy. Cutlip's from another planet.
(Mr. Cutlip enters.)
Men. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking...you let me down. Well, don't give it a second thought. There's always maņana. (Exits.)
Bottom line - the guy was completely out of touch with humanity.
*

(Kevin recognized Mr. Cutlip as the "Santa" at the mall. Mr. Cutlip is trying to keep Kevin silent about it, and appointed Kevin to be the timekeeper in gym. Now, Kevin is walking down the hall, carrying his school books.)
The next couple days in gym class, my popularity was...
(Kevin turns a corner and sees Tommy, Randy and Doug.)
Hey, guys.
(Tommy knocks Kevin's books out of his hand.)
Hey!
(He leans over to pick up his books.)
Teacher's pet.
Not exactly at an all-time high.
We should just call you Cutlip-in-training.
Oh, come on, guys, it's not like that.
Oh, yeah?
I'm one of you.
(Mr. Cutlip comes up behind Kevin, carrying his clipboard in one hand and a small bag in the other.)
Pistachio, Arnold? Red ones.
(He shakes the bag. Kevin looks back at the guys, who are looking at him with disgust.)
Uh...
(He turns back to Mr. Cutlip.)
Sure.
Keep the whole bag.
(He hands the bag to Kevin, then walks away.)
One of us, huh?
(The guys walk away. Doug takes the bag from Kevin as he passes by.)
*

(In study hall, Kevin and Doug sit across from each other.)
Your wrist hurt from holding the stopwatch?
(Tommy walks up behind Kevin, kicks his chair, looks at him with contempt, then walks away.)
The walls were pushing in all around me.
Doug, this isn't my fault.
Yeah, right.
(He takes a bite from a candy bar.)
This is ridiculous. Just 'cause I saw Cutlip working at the Brightlin Mall -
You what?!
Uh-oh.
Forget it.
You saw Cutlip in the mall?
Yeah, and now my life's ruined. You happy?
*

(Kevin is getting on the bus.)
I headed home, feeling pretty good about not having spilled the beans.
(Kevin sees Doug in the back of the bus.)
Until I remembered the beans had already been spilled.
(Kevin sits next to Doug.)
Doug, you can't tell anybody what I told you before.
Oh. OK.
You didn't, did you? (Frowns.)
Well...only Randy. (Points.)
(Randy and Tommy have just gotten on the bus, and sit ahead of Doug and Kevin.)
So, um, what exactly does Cutlip do at the mall?
Forget it.
Does he sell Orange Julius?
You gotta tell us where he works, Kev.
No way!
Well, we've got eyes. We'll, uh, we'll just go find out for ourself.
Holy cow, these guys were serious. The vultures were circling, and it was all my fault. And right there, right then, I knew what I had to do.
*

(At the mall, Kevin warns Mr. Cutlip that the guys are looking for him.)
Let them come if they must. (Stands.) I am who I am.
I'll always remember that look on his face. He was at once heroic and stupid.
Move along, Arnold.
(Kevin walks away.)
There was nothing more I could do. The die was cast. It was Santa's Last Stand.
(Randy spots Kevin.)
It's Arnold! Come on!
(The guys run toward Kevin.)
Look, guys...
Where is he, Kev?
Might as well tell us.
Forget it!
Fine, we're just gonna have to find him ourselves. Come on, guys, split up.
I stood there, helpless, outnumbered. And that's when it happened. Doug Porter looked first, directly into the eyes of the man who had taught him gym for three long years. Then Tommy Kisling looked, too, and Randy Mitchell. Those three skeptics gazed straight at that white beard, dead into the eyes of Coach Cutlip not thirty feet away. But all that they saw...was Santa Claus.
Come on, guys. Let's keep looking.

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rainbow

(Ep 56 - "The Candidate")

(In Kevin's basement, where Paul has gathered the greatest minds to help with Kevin's campaign.)
Hey, Kev? Do you have any more potato chips upstairs?
And a couple more sodas, too.
And could you grab some Ring Dings while you're up?
OK, OK...I've heard enough. This meeting's officially over.
Hey, it was just an idea...
Yeah, look, if you don't want our help...
I heard the had fried chicken at Becky's meeting...
And it might have all ended right there. Except...
Wait. Guys. Let's take a look at this.
(Paul unrolls a poster and puts it on the coffee table.)
That's when it happened.
It's simple, direct, and to the point, but I think it might work...
It was beautiful.
(The poster reads "Kevin Arnold - The Right Man For The Job".)
A four-color, Roman-faced testament to hope...and service...and nobility. Plus, it was the first time I had ever seen my name on anything bigger than a report card.
Wow.
And in that moment...I did what every politician since time began has done...I believed my own press.
Cool...(Nods.)
*

(In the quad, trying to interest passing students.)
How ya doin'?
Have a campaign button.
Kevin Arnold - hope you'll vote...
So began my campaign for student council president.
Anybody want a button?
Fact is, it was fun getting out and pressing the flesh. Not that there was a lot of flesh interested in being pressed.
*

(Cafeteria. Becky's cheerleaders are cheering.)
Gimme a "B"...Gimme an "E"...Gimme a "C"..."K"..."Y". What d'ya get? Becky Slater! Yeahhhhh!
We'd been out-manned, out-gunned, out-cheerleadered. Out-Slatered. Not that we were ready to throw in the towel.
That's it. (Gestures.) I give up.
What?! (Frowns.)
He's right. She's got better posters than us, better volunteers than us...and better snacks than us.
*

(Science Class. Close shot of a box of stinkbombs as Doug's hand opens the lid.)
Stinkbombs?
For tomorrow. At the campaign speeches.
What are you gonna do with stinkbombs? (Frowns.)
Simple. When Becky gets up to speak...(points)...we set those babies off. (Nods.)
Kapowee!
As for my brain-trust...they finally found their calling.
(Paul takes the box from Doug.)
You guys are out of your minds, you know that?
(Doug takes the box back.)
Hey, be careful!

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(Ep 57 - "Heartbreak")

And I heard that a lot of the Indian women...aren't wearing any tops.
I just can't imagine they're going to let us see that!
Yeah? Well I know something even better than that!
Better?
Better!
What could possibly be better than that?
Well, my cousin told me that up on the fourth floor they have a room the public isn't allowed into. And in this room they keep something you'll never believe. You ever hear of that gangster, John Dillinger?
Now, I think we all know what Randy Mitchell was talking about here.
...and they put it in jar of formaldehyde, and saved it, and...
While Randy was peddling schoolboy legends, I was thinking about more important things.
*

So where are the jars with the you-know-what?
It's hard to tell. You know, this guidebook doesn't even say they have a fourth floor.
What!? You think they'd advertise something like that? We're going to have to find it ourselves. Keep your eyes open for any unmarked doors.

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rainbow

(Ep 60 - "Courage")

basement (In Kevin's basement with Paul and Tommy, Doug holds a whoopee-cushion toward Paul.)
What's the matter - you chicken?
Courage in ninth-grade being a relative thing.
No, I'm not chicken. I'm just not crazy. (Gestures.)
He's chicken.
(Tommy and Doug make chicken-clucking sounds.)
Come on, guys, knock it off! Will ya? (Frowns.)
Look, all he has to do is slip this thing onto Mr. Gardenia's chair in study hall.
(Doug blows some air into the whoopee-cushion.)
It'll be a riot! (Smiles.)
Maybe he'll think it's not so funny. (Nods.)
(Doug and Tommy lean closer and make chicken-clucking sounds.)
Guys, give it up! If he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't want to do it. (Gestures.)
Yeah.
OK, then - you do it!
Why don't you do it? It's your idea.
(Doug and Tommy look at Kevin and make chicken-clucking sounds.)
At fourteen, true heroism has less to do with actual logic...
(Doug frowns and flaps his arms.)
And more to do with pure stupidity.
OK - I'll do it! But you guys have to do it next time.
Yeah! (Smiles.)
Alright! (Smiles.)

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(Ep 64 - "Separate Rooms")

(In the kitchen, Norma looks at Kevin's socks.)
Kevin? Are those Wayne's socks you're wearing?
(Kevin looks, Wayne laughs.)
You know - now that I think of it - I may have mixed up your bureau drawers yesterday. Did you boys notice whose underwear you put on this morning?
(Music of doom. Cut to sidewalk with Doug and Paul.)
You wore his underwear? Ewww!
Look, just...don't remind me about it, OK?
Man! I think I'd kill myself!
Come on, guys - cut it out. It's not that bad.
Oh, yeah? What could be worse?
Well, lemme see...
Paul, just drop it, OK?
*

(In the cafeteria.)
I don't get it. What's the big deal? It's just a room.
Look, Paul - it's not that simple. (Gestures.) There are principles at stake, here!
What principles?
Well...(gestures)...it's my room! (Frowns.)
True. But it's his room, too, right? And he is older, which gives him seniority.
Oh, OK. (Nods.) Take his side. (Gestures.)
Well, sorry. But you did say...
Well, just forget I said anything. (Frowns.) OK? (Nods.)
Maybe he's just afraid to be alone.
What?
Or maybe he's afraid of the dark.
(Doug raises his eyebrows as he shakes his head.)
"Oooooh, ooooh..."
Very funny. (Smirks.)
Hey, everybody...Kevin Arnold's afraid of the dark. "Oooohhh..."
(Doug makes a face, and other students giggle.)
I am not! (Frowns.)

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rainbow

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11/15/14 14:55